In the rapidly changing world of light speed communications an infinite supply of competing vendors bombard us daily with a little better deal on a little better model of the latest gizmo. Stamps are virtually a thing of the past with Electronic Bill paying, online banking, and credit card auto pay. Gone are the days when we perused the Sears catalog and made out our wish lists for Christmas or Birthday. No longer do we need to visit local jewelers, retailers and department stores for that perfect gift or accessory for the home. Even traditional Car and Home buying have become obsolete. But is it a good thing?
Compromise is a word and a condition that are quickly becoming a curiosity of the past. Why settle for less than your ideal when the entire world is at your fingertips. Don’t buy that car in blue if you really want it in red, it’s available for the same price or less on the Internet in Cincinnati. Don’t consider that house on Elm Street, the back yard isn’t what you envisioned, and you can find a new job, home and mover all in one simple step at help-me-relocate.com
While the convenience of it all may be great, what are the long term effects of this very selective, demanding attitude we are developing as a result?
A hundred and fifty years ago, it wasn’t uncommon for a marriage proposal to occur between people who had never even held hands or spoken for more than five minutes. Commitments were made and kept, lifetimes were spent honoring those commitments. Today our unwillingness to compromise and adapt has created a flesh market where singles can select their Ideal Mate based purely on the lack of compromise. What exact features are you looking for? Is their appearance up to your standards? Does their personality profile indicate perfect compatibility? Do they share all the same interests? Are their life experiences the same as yours?
Humans are the single most adaptable creatures on the face of the planet. Our likes and dislikes, our opinions and attitudes change. As we mature we evolve and acclimate. New friends and acquaintances introduce us to new hobbies and activities. New opinions develop as a result of relationships and events. These all become part of our ever-changing personality. As we age our appearance changes, our moods change even our goals and aspirations change, often as a result of the relationships in our life. What we are is a constantly evolving complex assimilation of our past, present and future as influenced by our home, job, friends, family, life experiences and societal influences.
So how can we possibly narrow our field of vision when seeking a mate to a few check boxes? How can we say that we want a person that is Thin, Athletic or Average between 5’6” and 5’10”, lives within 25 miles, likes Nascar or Fishing, makes between 50,000 and 75,000 a year, wants kids and loves dogs.
What happens when we change? Will that person who once fit our profile perfectly change to suit our new ideals? Aren’t we dooming a relationship from the start by demanding they fit specific criteria that happen to be a snapshot in time of our wants and desires? When we change, or they change will we not instinctively reflect on our ideals as represented by check boxes and seek to find a new ‘perfect match’? If they gain a bit of weight, or color their hair, or change professions will we go back to the drawing board?
You may be obsessed with watching the Soprano’s or CSI or Football, if you expect the same wants from a mate what happens when other programs replace them? What if you don’t like the same ones? I used to watch the Dukes of Hazard and Starsky and Hutch everyday, but wouldn’t watch them now to save my life. How could I possibly have liked those shows?
Is there really such a thing as Love at First Sight? Any reasonably objective adult with a grip on reality will tell you no. Love is a work in progress, love is about compromise and commitment. Love takes work, and it’s painful, joyful and everything in between. How do we know if something is Hot? We know because we’ve all felt the Cold. Diversity is interesting, different is good. Is there such a thing as a match made in heaven? Perhaps, but will it always be a match made in heaven? I doubt it.
Online dating may be the latest craze, but be wary of people who have too clearly defined their criteria for a mate, you may be perfect now, but in the end the probability that you no longer live up to their standards is high.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
LOVE: WHAT DOES AN INTEGRATED MAN KNOW THAT OTHERS DON'T?
A IG(integrated) man know the difference between being really nice and being narcissistic between character and charisma. It is always a mistake to be so turned on by a woman's style that you ignore her substance. There are men out there who are attracted to great looking woman with a touch of glamour, sex appeal and charisma and don't notice mere mortals. Woman are the same also. Most woman say they are very picky and critical in their search for Mr. Right. So why does Mr. Right always turn to be Mr. Wrong? The truth is both men and woman are very picky and critical in their search for Mr or Ms Right, they are just not picky and critcal about the right things...Character---that intanglible quality that is reflected in a person's values and the way they treat the world and the person they are involved with. A IG man is never so blinded by the PY that he fails to pay attention to :
-her attitude towards money
-her attitude towards family
-her attitude towards career
-her ablility to share
-her ablility to laugh
-her religious and spirtual belief
Dating is something you do to find out whether or not you want to get involved with a woman
IG MAN KNOWS THAT HE IS NOT SMART IF HE THINKS:
-having a bad relationship is better than being alone
-need a woman to validate his sense worth
-put a hold on his life until he has a committed relationship
-can't find joy in music, movies, shopping, cooking...or anything unless there is a woman to share it
-forgets that having a relationship can create as many problems as it solves
-need a woman to make himself feel special
A IG man has a real home, real work, and real bills, and real way of dealing with them. IG man has the sense to stay away from grand obessions and focuses on woman with whom he can have an easy relationship. In short, he doesn't spend his life trying to prove that oil and water can mix. IG man allow relationships to grow slowly, don't push the development of sexual intimacy. He know that to develop a relationship without relying on brooding love poems, inappropirate gift, lavish entertainment, or soulful confession.The words " I love you" do not roll easily or quickly off the tongue of sincere man. It takes a long time for real love to build.
We all like to think we are a little special, a little different from everyone else. And we are.But sometimes..like Dr. Gover suggest this sense of knowing we are different from everyone else is what makes us believe that its' "going to be different"
Even though you may be the right man, the wrong woman will still be the wrong woman. In all my relationship, I believed that I just havn't met the right woman yet. A part of me believes that if I was good enough, accepting enough, giving enough, I will be rewarded with a love of a woman and that is all not true.
Any woman who doesn't know what she wants...doesn't deserve what she has.
IG man know It's time to end a relationship when:
-she makes your feel bad more often than she makes you feel good.
-your fears of losing her is making you disregard all your realistic needs
-her behavior is chipping away your self-esteem
-you tell her how upset or sad you feel, but she makes no attempt to change what she is doing (i learn this lesson with Melissa)
-she stop trying to please you
-you have a better time remembering the past than you do living the present(another lesson i learn from Melissa) For every hour that we have been together, there has been a bad day during which Melissa has done something to make me feel confused, hurt and lonely. I kept thinking that what has happening is some nightmare or test---that Melissa will wake up and things will go back to the way they were at the beginning. I thought that if i waited long enough, and is a model of virtue and understanding, everything will be okay. I realized that crying is for wedding and funerals, no for Saturday night and if you continue to love someone who is hurting you and eventually you will no longer love yourself.
I was dreaming..always dreaming of a better tommorrow in which the problems would disappear, I think most nice guys would listen to a woman problems,spent long hours trying to sort out the details of their unhappy childhoods. And I saw myself as strong enough to deal with their problems, and hoping that loving them no matter what, working through their problems with them, and trying to get them to change. It didn't make the my partner or even love me more....in fact it made them more resentful.
There is a difference between being caring and being co-dependent. And if you really want to spend your life dealing with other people's problems, you should become a social worker and get paid to do it. A woman's fatal flaws should be a turn off, not a turn-on.
Lets talk about sex...I usually want to have sex with a woman ASAP. This is something I am working on to change. Let's face it, no matter how worldly you are, you still want to know who you are sleeping with, you want to know for sure that she will call you again, you want to know that she's who she say she is, you want to know for sure whether she is married or in another serious relationship, you want to know if she's stable, if she's sincere.
-she is steady and reliable
-has a stable life
-isn't totally intriguing, but is totally dependable
-can comfortably and honestly discuss all the aspect of her life
- a good woman maybe hard to find, but she shouldn't be hard to phone. The woman who can't be reached easily is giving you a message: It is "You can't reach me!!!!!!!!!!" Any woman who is difficult to find is difficult to keep.
If a woman puts your down, she is trying to lower your self-esteem so that you will become more dependent on her
It is never smart to bend yourself into a pretzel trying to accommodate a man. When a man makes himselfs completely available to a woman, changing your schedule to accommodate her, he typically justifies it by saying that no one is forcing him to do it---it is totally a by choice ad what he wants to do. Nonetheless, IG man knows that this is nota smart way to behave. So many of us..including myself made a mistake of altering our lives so that all their choices will reflect waht they perceive to be woman needs, but few woman truly appreciate this behavior. Most of them utimately tend to view it as a statement of expectation, or a demand to behave accordingly.
DEPENDENCY IS A TURN OFF, NOT A TURN ON.
A relationship with a woman whould enrich your life, not define it. If a woman doesn't call you everyday or respond to every single email...in the past i would get anxious. If I didn't konw for sure when I would be seeing her again, I would get nervous. The best way to develop a good relationship is maintain the relationship you already have developed with yourself. A desirable man doesn't rearrange her priorities every time he meet a prospective partner. It is not smart to set up a pattern in a relationship win which she become the God and you a slave.
If you are trying to please a woman by behaving as though you are less than you are:
-you will start to believe that you are less than you are
-you will end up resenting her
-you will stunt your own growth, and you will limit the relationship.
you don't have to prove
-yourself worthy
-that you're smart
-that you are good person
-you are terrific
-that you are funny
-that you are sympathetic
-that you are supportive
....ect....
When a relationship with someone ends...there is a tendency to keep going over the details...every dinner you shared, every movie you watched, every conversation, every witty e-mail, ....i have done it. You worry whether you did something wrong, whether you did everything you could. and this is not healthy.
the only person you are totally compatible with is yourself. No matter how much you love each other, if you are human and have personalities, you are not going to agree about everything---difference are part of life, not immediate grounds for breaking up.
-her attitude towards money
-her attitude towards family
-her attitude towards career
-her ablility to share
-her ablility to laugh
-her religious and spirtual belief
Dating is something you do to find out whether or not you want to get involved with a woman
IG MAN KNOWS THAT HE IS NOT SMART IF HE THINKS:
-having a bad relationship is better than being alone
-need a woman to validate his sense worth
-put a hold on his life until he has a committed relationship
-can't find joy in music, movies, shopping, cooking...or anything unless there is a woman to share it
-forgets that having a relationship can create as many problems as it solves
-need a woman to make himself feel special
A IG man has a real home, real work, and real bills, and real way of dealing with them. IG man has the sense to stay away from grand obessions and focuses on woman with whom he can have an easy relationship. In short, he doesn't spend his life trying to prove that oil and water can mix. IG man allow relationships to grow slowly, don't push the development of sexual intimacy. He know that to develop a relationship without relying on brooding love poems, inappropirate gift, lavish entertainment, or soulful confession.The words " I love you" do not roll easily or quickly off the tongue of sincere man. It takes a long time for real love to build.
We all like to think we are a little special, a little different from everyone else. And we are.But sometimes..like Dr. Gover suggest this sense of knowing we are different from everyone else is what makes us believe that its' "going to be different"
Even though you may be the right man, the wrong woman will still be the wrong woman. In all my relationship, I believed that I just havn't met the right woman yet. A part of me believes that if I was good enough, accepting enough, giving enough, I will be rewarded with a love of a woman and that is all not true.
Any woman who doesn't know what she wants...doesn't deserve what she has.
IG man know It's time to end a relationship when:
-she makes your feel bad more often than she makes you feel good.
-your fears of losing her is making you disregard all your realistic needs
-her behavior is chipping away your self-esteem
-you tell her how upset or sad you feel, but she makes no attempt to change what she is doing (i learn this lesson with Melissa)
-she stop trying to please you
-you have a better time remembering the past than you do living the present(another lesson i learn from Melissa) For every hour that we have been together, there has been a bad day during which Melissa has done something to make me feel confused, hurt and lonely. I kept thinking that what has happening is some nightmare or test---that Melissa will wake up and things will go back to the way they were at the beginning. I thought that if i waited long enough, and is a model of virtue and understanding, everything will be okay. I realized that crying is for wedding and funerals, no for Saturday night and if you continue to love someone who is hurting you and eventually you will no longer love yourself.
I was dreaming..always dreaming of a better tommorrow in which the problems would disappear, I think most nice guys would listen to a woman problems,spent long hours trying to sort out the details of their unhappy childhoods. And I saw myself as strong enough to deal with their problems, and hoping that loving them no matter what, working through their problems with them, and trying to get them to change. It didn't make the my partner or even love me more....in fact it made them more resentful.
There is a difference between being caring and being co-dependent. And if you really want to spend your life dealing with other people's problems, you should become a social worker and get paid to do it. A woman's fatal flaws should be a turn off, not a turn-on.
Lets talk about sex...I usually want to have sex with a woman ASAP. This is something I am working on to change. Let's face it, no matter how worldly you are, you still want to know who you are sleeping with, you want to know for sure that she will call you again, you want to know that she's who she say she is, you want to know for sure whether she is married or in another serious relationship, you want to know if she's stable, if she's sincere.
-she is steady and reliable
-has a stable life
-isn't totally intriguing, but is totally dependable
-can comfortably and honestly discuss all the aspect of her life
- a good woman maybe hard to find, but she shouldn't be hard to phone. The woman who can't be reached easily is giving you a message: It is "You can't reach me!!!!!!!!!!" Any woman who is difficult to find is difficult to keep.
If a woman puts your down, she is trying to lower your self-esteem so that you will become more dependent on her
It is never smart to bend yourself into a pretzel trying to accommodate a man. When a man makes himselfs completely available to a woman, changing your schedule to accommodate her, he typically justifies it by saying that no one is forcing him to do it---it is totally a by choice ad what he wants to do. Nonetheless, IG man knows that this is nota smart way to behave. So many of us..including myself made a mistake of altering our lives so that all their choices will reflect waht they perceive to be woman needs, but few woman truly appreciate this behavior. Most of them utimately tend to view it as a statement of expectation, or a demand to behave accordingly.
DEPENDENCY IS A TURN OFF, NOT A TURN ON.
A relationship with a woman whould enrich your life, not define it. If a woman doesn't call you everyday or respond to every single email...in the past i would get anxious. If I didn't konw for sure when I would be seeing her again, I would get nervous. The best way to develop a good relationship is maintain the relationship you already have developed with yourself. A desirable man doesn't rearrange her priorities every time he meet a prospective partner. It is not smart to set up a pattern in a relationship win which she become the God and you a slave.
If you are trying to please a woman by behaving as though you are less than you are:
-you will start to believe that you are less than you are
-you will end up resenting her
-you will stunt your own growth, and you will limit the relationship.
you don't have to prove
-yourself worthy
-that you're smart
-that you are good person
-you are terrific
-that you are funny
-that you are sympathetic
-that you are supportive
....ect....
When a relationship with someone ends...there is a tendency to keep going over the details...every dinner you shared, every movie you watched, every conversation, every witty e-mail, ....i have done it. You worry whether you did something wrong, whether you did everything you could. and this is not healthy.
the only person you are totally compatible with is yourself. No matter how much you love each other, if you are human and have personalities, you are not going to agree about everything---difference are part of life, not immediate grounds for breaking up.
LOVE: GETTING READY FOR LOVE
So many people try to concentrate on just feeling the positive aspect of being in a relationship and avoid the negative feelings. But you can't avoid either of them in relationship. Part of being intimate is seeking and feeling the emotional stuff coming up. You can only avoid negative intensity by avoiding intimacy, or by avoiding relationships. Intimate relationship bring everything up, some part of which we are not yet ready to face. It's good to find out what those parts are. Then we know that when relationships bring those parts up we will feel like turning away from the relationship. Nobody wants to feel the negative feelings that arise in the midst of deep intimacy. Nobody wants to see their own psychological garbage that limits their gift of love. But intimacy itself is a call to grow thought these part of yourself. Remember...you will always attract someone as capable of loving as you are. you only sabotage yourself if you close down because you don't want to hurt again. If you do close down you will attract someone who is equally afraid of intimacy.
As a lover, you are choosing to embrace someone who is going to die as well as someone who isn't always going to be able to love you. You are choosing someone who, because they have unresolved childhood patterns, will be re-living their drama with their parents in the relationship with you. Once it become clear that love is what you are here to do, and that an intimate relationship provides the vehicle for growth in love. When you realize this, you can make a full commitment in love, knowing its inevitable limitation and pain....expect that whoever you are with will hurt you, turn away from you...and withhold their feelings occasionally. this is an normal part of a relationship because most of us have not yet transcended all of our pattern that are less than absolute love. We are only in the process of learning to be open. We are students in the school of love. True commitment is to love. If your commitment is to another person instead of love
As a lover, you are choosing to embrace someone who is going to die as well as someone who isn't always going to be able to love you. You are choosing someone who, because they have unresolved childhood patterns, will be re-living their drama with their parents in the relationship with you. Once it become clear that love is what you are here to do, and that an intimate relationship provides the vehicle for growth in love. When you realize this, you can make a full commitment in love, knowing its inevitable limitation and pain....expect that whoever you are with will hurt you, turn away from you...and withhold their feelings occasionally. this is an normal part of a relationship because most of us have not yet transcended all of our pattern that are less than absolute love. We are only in the process of learning to be open. We are students in the school of love. True commitment is to love. If your commitment is to another person instead of love
LOVE: A STORY THAT HAS NO BEGINNING
How do you start a story that has no beginning? How far back do you go when everything has been a part of this moment? Do you start with the first time you fell in love and your heart was broken? Do you start with the fears of abandonment when you first learned of your parents pending divorce? Or do you start with the phone call that scared and excited you with equal intensity at the same time?
You wonder if he is the one and wonder again if you dare to hope that there can be a One. The pain of the past has left you with scars that are obvious to your friends you have been asked why you are alone so many times that you have considered finding someone just to quiet the noise-makers but you can't betray your heart. You know that you are waiting for the real thing. Have you waited so long that you might let it slip between your fingers when it comes? Will you be able to know the truth about your heart and let yourself trust again?
You have just gotten off the phone with someone who has you asking yourself these questions. How could he invade you this way? You were happy for the most part. Turning down men has become a past time for you. Your beauty has become a yoke around your neck attracting every type of man who wants your body and forgets to look into your soul. You could curse the very thing that women hate you for your natural beauty and thin figure. Alex has you questioning everything all over again. How do you guard against this man who has touched you from the inside and left your heart exposed? Do you run and hide or run to him? You have no doubt that he can satisfy you in a physical way. His voice and manners on the phone are enough to make you melt with desire and passion you have never been so touched without meeting someone first In fact you have never been touched this way by anyone ever.
You are wondering how to stop your racing heart from the avalanche of emotions that are rushing through your mind and body. You hate the loss of control and fear the outcome of something that has this much energy. Can you trust a man with so much power over you? You have given up on this feeling after a married man lied to you and stole your heart two years ago. You never thought you would allow someone to touch you so deeply again, Again? How can you say 'again' when this is a new depth but you make a mental note that you didn't plan to ever let this happen? His voice echoes in your mind with the words "you don't get to choose who you fall in love with. Love isn't a decision or a choice, as much as it is an event. That is why it is called falling love, and not walking into love."
You wonder how there can be such an internal conflict that on one side screams for you to run to him and on the other warns you to stay away. Which can be telling the truth? Your day is full of him you have not been able to get much done. You are scared to death of meeting him and you are not sure if you are afraid, that maybe it isn't real or if it truly is. The though of love being real scares you more than if it were not. You don't want to give you heart again but do you have a choice?
Can you find love with a man with this much passion and think that it can last for the rest of your life? This is what fantasies are made of can real life offer the same?
Your phone wakes you up you had dozed off to sleep without realizing it your sleep was interrupted by your new imaginary lover Yes, imaginary because you have not had the nerve to meet him in person it is him on the phone. He sings into the phone to you: "Unbreak my heart make it last me forever Unbreak my heart I will love you forever I love you." You smile as you realize that you will meet him you do love him he is the one who will "Unbreak Your Heart". You say, " Yes."
You wonder if he is the one and wonder again if you dare to hope that there can be a One. The pain of the past has left you with scars that are obvious to your friends you have been asked why you are alone so many times that you have considered finding someone just to quiet the noise-makers but you can't betray your heart. You know that you are waiting for the real thing. Have you waited so long that you might let it slip between your fingers when it comes? Will you be able to know the truth about your heart and let yourself trust again?
You have just gotten off the phone with someone who has you asking yourself these questions. How could he invade you this way? You were happy for the most part. Turning down men has become a past time for you. Your beauty has become a yoke around your neck attracting every type of man who wants your body and forgets to look into your soul. You could curse the very thing that women hate you for your natural beauty and thin figure. Alex has you questioning everything all over again. How do you guard against this man who has touched you from the inside and left your heart exposed? Do you run and hide or run to him? You have no doubt that he can satisfy you in a physical way. His voice and manners on the phone are enough to make you melt with desire and passion you have never been so touched without meeting someone first In fact you have never been touched this way by anyone ever.
You are wondering how to stop your racing heart from the avalanche of emotions that are rushing through your mind and body. You hate the loss of control and fear the outcome of something that has this much energy. Can you trust a man with so much power over you? You have given up on this feeling after a married man lied to you and stole your heart two years ago. You never thought you would allow someone to touch you so deeply again, Again? How can you say 'again' when this is a new depth but you make a mental note that you didn't plan to ever let this happen? His voice echoes in your mind with the words "you don't get to choose who you fall in love with. Love isn't a decision or a choice, as much as it is an event. That is why it is called falling love, and not walking into love."
You wonder how there can be such an internal conflict that on one side screams for you to run to him and on the other warns you to stay away. Which can be telling the truth? Your day is full of him you have not been able to get much done. You are scared to death of meeting him and you are not sure if you are afraid, that maybe it isn't real or if it truly is. The though of love being real scares you more than if it were not. You don't want to give you heart again but do you have a choice?
Can you find love with a man with this much passion and think that it can last for the rest of your life? This is what fantasies are made of can real life offer the same?
Your phone wakes you up you had dozed off to sleep without realizing it your sleep was interrupted by your new imaginary lover Yes, imaginary because you have not had the nerve to meet him in person it is him on the phone. He sings into the phone to you: "Unbreak my heart make it last me forever Unbreak my heart I will love you forever I love you." You smile as you realize that you will meet him you do love him he is the one who will "Unbreak Your Heart". You say, " Yes."
LOVE: WANT TO KNOW WHY I AM NOT SO POSSESSIVE....READ ON
How can I have a truly satisfying relationship with my mate? The simple answer is that our intimate relationship are destroyed by the chronic desire to possess or suppress. This desire to possess is so prevalent that is almost seem congenital. Your relationship with other grow out of your relationship with yourself. The earliest relationship you have with your parents and this relationship determine how your see yourself.
Relationship with mates have a particular importance. If they are good and happy ones, we are strenghtened to cope with the problems of the outside world. If these relationship are bad and unhappy, they will cloud and ruin whatever other kinds of success we might have outside the relationship.
The fear of loss manifests itself in the desire to possess, which, in the simple sense, is that great destroyer of all intimate relationships. For, you see, to possess you give away your power. Possessive, controlling, or obsession are all the same. When you try to possess the other person, you become dependent upon that person for your love, happiness, and well-being. You forget that God is the source and that you are in control of your own life. This attempt at possession leads you to seek to change the other person because you see him or her as the source and the cause of your unhappiness. He or she resists being changed, and things just get worse.
Our fear tells us that if we let those we love go, if we release them, they will go away. As we begin to possess and act out of fear, the whole relationship changes and comes apart. We don't say what we want to say, we don't act the way we want to act, we don't live the way we want to live. We operate from the mistaken belief that, if we are honest and open, we will somehow lose the other person. Thus our goals are abandoned and we dare not express ourselves. We fear that those we love will abandon us. Sometimes we get so fed up with the situation that we leave, or force those we "love" to leave us. Either way we have created the very thing we feared most: they are gone. Paradoxically, when me move from the Spirit in our relationships, we are always willing to lose the other person because we know that relationship don't end, the just change.
What we seek in possession is ownership of the person, and when we try to won a person, we often feel we must hang on to them. It's much like hanging on to an old piece of furniture. Even thought we don't like it, even though it doesn't fit our needs, we feel we have too much invested in it to let it go. So we hang on to the relationship long after it has gone completely sour.
I remember my relationship with Melissa. Long after I had become fed up wit hteh relationship, long after the realization that there was no way to save it, I still remained in it. When I became honest with myself, I realized I was hanging on to Melissa because I didn't want another man to have her. That's how stupid possession can become. Our ego works out of fear,and we give our power to the other person. When you've accepted that God within as your source and are truly in full support of yourself and who you are, you stop creating so many suppressive people and are able to deal with them in a constructive manner. When you are in full support of yourself, your mate or other intimate person may express ideas and take actions that are contraty to your ideal; however, she won't succeed in knocking you off center because you will know that she is not the cause of either your happiness or your unhappiness. You can either thank her for sharing, or you can walk out of the room.
So often we are afraid to just acknowledge her ideas or to walk out of the room because we fear that she will leave. As long as we react from the fear of her leaving, the relationship is founded on the avoidance of loss. It's not based on how you can add happiness to the relationship, or on how you can support the other, or even on how you can enhance and express yourself. Instead, you're caught up in how you can prevent the other from leaving.
The true grounds for such a relationship are that we chose to live our lives together and to continue, in that relationship, to expand the knowledge of who we are. We acknowledge that we both come from Spirit and intend to live out of the Spirit. Each must be willing to give up the relationship, if giving it up truly supports that other. That doesn't mean that either one is actually going to leave, but that each is willing to let go. Freedom begets freedom. Both must be willing to acknowledge that they can handle their lives comfortably and successfully without the other. Both must acknowledge that they are in the relationship because they choose to be, because each believes that she is receiving value from the relationship. Each must be willing for the other to express her own personality and uniqueness. Each wants the other to be loved by other people, to be happy in her works...and so on. And most important, each know that God, and not the partner, is the source of good
Relationship with mates have a particular importance. If they are good and happy ones, we are strenghtened to cope with the problems of the outside world. If these relationship are bad and unhappy, they will cloud and ruin whatever other kinds of success we might have outside the relationship.
The fear of loss manifests itself in the desire to possess, which, in the simple sense, is that great destroyer of all intimate relationships. For, you see, to possess you give away your power. Possessive, controlling, or obsession are all the same. When you try to possess the other person, you become dependent upon that person for your love, happiness, and well-being. You forget that God is the source and that you are in control of your own life. This attempt at possession leads you to seek to change the other person because you see him or her as the source and the cause of your unhappiness. He or she resists being changed, and things just get worse.
Our fear tells us that if we let those we love go, if we release them, they will go away. As we begin to possess and act out of fear, the whole relationship changes and comes apart. We don't say what we want to say, we don't act the way we want to act, we don't live the way we want to live. We operate from the mistaken belief that, if we are honest and open, we will somehow lose the other person. Thus our goals are abandoned and we dare not express ourselves. We fear that those we love will abandon us. Sometimes we get so fed up with the situation that we leave, or force those we "love" to leave us. Either way we have created the very thing we feared most: they are gone. Paradoxically, when me move from the Spirit in our relationships, we are always willing to lose the other person because we know that relationship don't end, the just change.
What we seek in possession is ownership of the person, and when we try to won a person, we often feel we must hang on to them. It's much like hanging on to an old piece of furniture. Even thought we don't like it, even though it doesn't fit our needs, we feel we have too much invested in it to let it go. So we hang on to the relationship long after it has gone completely sour.
I remember my relationship with Melissa. Long after I had become fed up wit hteh relationship, long after the realization that there was no way to save it, I still remained in it. When I became honest with myself, I realized I was hanging on to Melissa because I didn't want another man to have her. That's how stupid possession can become. Our ego works out of fear,and we give our power to the other person. When you've accepted that God within as your source and are truly in full support of yourself and who you are, you stop creating so many suppressive people and are able to deal with them in a constructive manner. When you are in full support of yourself, your mate or other intimate person may express ideas and take actions that are contraty to your ideal; however, she won't succeed in knocking you off center because you will know that she is not the cause of either your happiness or your unhappiness. You can either thank her for sharing, or you can walk out of the room.
So often we are afraid to just acknowledge her ideas or to walk out of the room because we fear that she will leave. As long as we react from the fear of her leaving, the relationship is founded on the avoidance of loss. It's not based on how you can add happiness to the relationship, or on how you can support the other, or even on how you can enhance and express yourself. Instead, you're caught up in how you can prevent the other from leaving.
The true grounds for such a relationship are that we chose to live our lives together and to continue, in that relationship, to expand the knowledge of who we are. We acknowledge that we both come from Spirit and intend to live out of the Spirit. Each must be willing to give up the relationship, if giving it up truly supports that other. That doesn't mean that either one is actually going to leave, but that each is willing to let go. Freedom begets freedom. Both must be willing to acknowledge that they can handle their lives comfortably and successfully without the other. Both must acknowledge that they are in the relationship because they choose to be, because each believes that she is receiving value from the relationship. Each must be willing for the other to express her own personality and uniqueness. Each wants the other to be loved by other people, to be happy in her works...and so on. And most important, each know that God, and not the partner, is the source of good
LOVE: BE YOURSELF IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
We are never separated from the source, from our power, but our power can be used constructively or destructively, to win or to lose. Your belief system determines whether you will use the power constructively or destructively. You have the choice. In the beginning of each new relationship, we have no way of knowing whether we will really grow together of whether we will grow apart. If we understand that our security lies within ourselves, we have a much better chance for a successful relationship. If we look to people, places and things for our well-being, we are almost certain to have disruptive relationship. A relationship can't be right for one partner and not for the other. It absolutely has to be right for both, or it doesn't work for either and some body's lying.
Partners have all these expectations as to what relationship is going to do. Relationship is going to solve all of their problems. When they discover on the morning after that they're still the same person they were the day before, disillusion sets in. Refusing to confront their own responsibility, they begin the familiar refrain: I'm still unhappy, so it must be you!!!!!!!!
What do you think single life is going to give you? The answer usually is- "At least I can be myself". I think that you should be yourself in the present situation, and you will find you will either stay in the relationship of you won't. What you do then won't be the effect or the other person. What people say is : I must leave the relationship to be free. I have to leave to have fun, to be healthy. Whether your relationship is nurturing to you? Are you alive or are you dying? Are you physically well or ill? Do you want to be there or not? Are you afraid of your partner?
Partners have all these expectations as to what relationship is going to do. Relationship is going to solve all of their problems. When they discover on the morning after that they're still the same person they were the day before, disillusion sets in. Refusing to confront their own responsibility, they begin the familiar refrain: I'm still unhappy, so it must be you!!!!!!!!
What do you think single life is going to give you? The answer usually is- "At least I can be myself". I think that you should be yourself in the present situation, and you will find you will either stay in the relationship of you won't. What you do then won't be the effect or the other person. What people say is : I must leave the relationship to be free. I have to leave to have fun, to be healthy. Whether your relationship is nurturing to you? Are you alive or are you dying? Are you physically well or ill? Do you want to be there or not? Are you afraid of your partner?
LOVE: THOSE WHO RESTRAIN DESIRE, DO SO BECAUSE THEIR IS A WEAK ENOUGH TO BE RESTRAINED"- WILLIAM BLAKE
William Blake writes that "those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained." Desire is a complicated term, way overused in songwriting and lousy poetry. Freud would call desire many things: sexual and aggressive instincts, libido, pleasure principle--even thematic is unreleased desire. We think of desire as want, and it often comes out in material terms: I satisfy my desires with my cars, and my electronic stuff. But does it mean sex to us--really? If someone is desirable, does that mean we want to fuck them? Hell yes, but we won't admit it. A lot of guys I think need to get shit-loaded drunk before they will even go near a girl. Many females wear this revealing clothing. To a nineteen year old male, a woman with a perfect body is too scary for words. Maybe that is why so many young guys have affairs with older women; they are more approachable, they don't play games and they are dying for sex. Many older women have husbands who have forgotten how to fuck; maybe they are divorced, maybe they never got married.
Blake wants us to live our lives to their greatest capacity. If we don't go after what we want, then we must not have wanted it in the first place. We let other things get in the way. I think it is fear. We self-sabotage ourselves with bad choices from chemical addiction to working meaningless jobs. You must choose what you love. But money becomes more important, and it isn't greed, it is the fear of being without in this grasping society.
In many ways, Blake preceded Freud's writings in his concern about unacted desire: it is our only sin in his view. Some people tend to take that statement literally, and constantly fight the meaning--what if we all pursued our desires? The world would be a chaotic mess. But if everyone went after their greatest wants, conflict would desist because everyone would be satisfied. The world would be in harmony. Freud would never agree because he doesn't think we have the capacity to make ourselves happy; our aggressive instincts will constantly fight with the norms that our collective superego has determined for our consistency in civilization. So there you go: another dream down the toilet and another person about to explode on the world. I think we are doomed. Don't you?
Blake wants us to live our lives to their greatest capacity. If we don't go after what we want, then we must not have wanted it in the first place. We let other things get in the way. I think it is fear. We self-sabotage ourselves with bad choices from chemical addiction to working meaningless jobs. You must choose what you love. But money becomes more important, and it isn't greed, it is the fear of being without in this grasping society.
In many ways, Blake preceded Freud's writings in his concern about unacted desire: it is our only sin in his view. Some people tend to take that statement literally, and constantly fight the meaning--what if we all pursued our desires? The world would be a chaotic mess. But if everyone went after their greatest wants, conflict would desist because everyone would be satisfied. The world would be in harmony. Freud would never agree because he doesn't think we have the capacity to make ourselves happy; our aggressive instincts will constantly fight with the norms that our collective superego has determined for our consistency in civilization. So there you go: another dream down the toilet and another person about to explode on the world. I think we are doomed. Don't you?
LOVE: LOVE IS DIFFICULT
Love is difficult. For one human being to love another is perhaps the most difficult task of all, the epitome, the ultimate test. It that striving for which all other striving is merely preparation. For that reason young people---who are beginners in everything---cannot yet love, they do not know how to love. They must learn it. With their whole being, with all strenght enveloping their lonely, disquieted heart, they must learn to love--- even while their heartbeat is quickening. Love does not at first have anything to do with arousal, surrender, and uniting with another being---for what union can be built upon uncertainty, immaturity, and lack of coherence? Love is a high inducement for individuals to ripen, to strive to mature in the inner self, to manifest maturity in the outer world, to become that manifestation for the sake of another. This is a great, demanding task; it calls one to expand one's horizon greatly. Only in this sense, as the task to work on themselves, day and night, and to listen, ought young people use the love granted to them. Opening one's self and surrendering, and every kind of communion are not for them yet; they must for a very very long time gather and harbor experience. It is the final goal, perhaps one which human being as yet hardly ever seek to attain. Young people often err, and that intensely so, in this way, since ti is their nature to be impatient: They throw them. They fragment themselves, just as they are, in all of their disarray and confusion. But what is to follow? What should fate do if this takes root, this heap of half-broken things that they call togetherness and that they would like to call their happiness. Questions of love are personal, intimate questions, from love one person to another, that in every case require a new, a special, and an exclusively personal answer. But then, having set no boundaries between each other, and being no longer able to differentiate, they let go
LOVE: WHETHER THE PERSON HAS SUBSTANCE OR NOT?
Originally I'd thought about discussing the balance between 'flash' and 'substance' when choosing a mate. Sure, flash is nice and it's perfectly natural to desire physical attraction for our mate. And substance of character must be there since what we are talking about is being with a person for the long-term, not just doing an afternoon photo shoot. In fact it is, I believe, 'substance' than can grant or remove physical attraction either by its presence or absence. But as I began to gather my thoughts together a chilling reality came to mind.. "Does it really matter?"
I don't mean, 'Does it matter whether the person has substance or not?' What I mean is, in the final analysis.. is it really possible to think we will sketch out the person we want, find them in a crowd and simply choose to have them for a mate? Cooperation on their part will be necessary and their ability to choose one way or the other is for the greater part out of our control. More to the point, just how much does our choice really have to do with things when it comes to falling in love? Do we really choose to fall in love with someone or does it simply 'happen'?
At first I was tempted with some pretty easy answers to these questions until I began to see if they held up to the acid test of actual Life. Remember the old adage, "Love is blind."? That phrase has endured for a reason. How many times have you tried to tell your best friend, "That guy/girl is no good for you, can't you see that?" And they tell you, "Yah, I know. You're right. I agree with you, he/she is a bad choice. But we just got engaged, isn't that exciting?!" Hmm. Now I know we have choice and control, but if we don't use it.. then I have to question whether it has any value when dealing with reality.
A mystery that's puzzled me to no end is how it is that, seemingly from the very get-go, certain people have just seemingly 'decided' that I was the best thing since sliced bread despite the fact that I gave them no attention or treatment different than I'd give anyone else. Or, I will have that favorable disposition for someone who in no way earned or merited it. I don't find particularly attractive in the physical sense. Yet in my eyes they always enjoy my unmerited favor. It wasn't a conscious decision, it just simply 'happened'.
On the other side of things, if love were simply a logical decision then it would seem to follow that if we could provide reasonable evidence to said person that we were indeed the person they were looking for then we would be able to sway their heart from 'no spark' to 'spark'. If someone said they wanted "X, Y and Z.. with a little Q." and lo and behold you were exactly an 'X,Y,Z and Q' kind of person then you'd be the man/woman for the job! But that's not how love works. If that spark is not there for you then it usually doesn't matter how good a case is presented, you know in your heart it just isn't going to happen.
So back to the original issue.. do we really have a choice or do we just react when that spark shows itself? I'm inclined to believe our actions are the carrying out of what our final choice is. Yet, at the same time, I don't think our choices are always in-sync with our desires. Seems strange, almost nutty. But looking back at some of the women I've gotten serious with, they didn't fit the 'sketch' of the person I'd planned to choose, yet by my actions I still chose to see if it was possible to work it out. Deep down I desire certain qualities in a woman, yet have seen myself choose the opposite of those desires. I'm sure you've seen this in others if not even in your own experience.
So, is there anything we can do about this? The first thing that comes to mind is the idea that we make a list of the qualities we absolutely must have in a person and refuse to get involved with anyone who does not meet that 'profile'. I guess that would eliminate the problem, along with the chance that perhaps you'd pass by the person you'd really be happiest with who is actually different than you'd imagined.. as many happy couples can attest to. (And all this is assuming you have the sheer will to turn away anyone with whom do feel 'spark' for.) You could stand there with your list, look out amongst the crowd, spot the person who finally does fit the 'profile' only to find.. perhaps you don't fit -their- profile. And then repeat the process. Hmm. Yes, we do need to have criteria, but I don't think this list idea is going to solve the issue of choice over 'chemistry'.
A friend of mine told me the other day, "Man, some things just aren't meant to be understood." I have difficulty with that concept. I still don't fully grasp to what degree our choice has to do with who we actually fall in love with, especially when you throw in the concept of destiny, if you believe in such a thing. I don't fully grasp how my stereo pulls songs out of thin air from something called radio-waves either, yet that doesn't preclude it from being understandable to mankind. So many times great couples have gotten together by circumstance or chance. It (love) had already happened before choice had anything to do with it. Some people do set out on a mission to find such and such in a mate and are happy with the results. Perhaps with time this will make sense. Until then I'll just have to play referee between my head.. which says, "This is the person we're looking for because it makes sense." and my heart.. which says, "This one has my undying favor, just because."
I don't mean, 'Does it matter whether the person has substance or not?' What I mean is, in the final analysis.. is it really possible to think we will sketch out the person we want, find them in a crowd and simply choose to have them for a mate? Cooperation on their part will be necessary and their ability to choose one way or the other is for the greater part out of our control. More to the point, just how much does our choice really have to do with things when it comes to falling in love? Do we really choose to fall in love with someone or does it simply 'happen'?
At first I was tempted with some pretty easy answers to these questions until I began to see if they held up to the acid test of actual Life. Remember the old adage, "Love is blind."? That phrase has endured for a reason. How many times have you tried to tell your best friend, "That guy/girl is no good for you, can't you see that?" And they tell you, "Yah, I know. You're right. I agree with you, he/she is a bad choice. But we just got engaged, isn't that exciting?!" Hmm. Now I know we have choice and control, but if we don't use it.. then I have to question whether it has any value when dealing with reality.
A mystery that's puzzled me to no end is how it is that, seemingly from the very get-go, certain people have just seemingly 'decided' that I was the best thing since sliced bread despite the fact that I gave them no attention or treatment different than I'd give anyone else. Or, I will have that favorable disposition for someone who in no way earned or merited it. I don't find particularly attractive in the physical sense. Yet in my eyes they always enjoy my unmerited favor. It wasn't a conscious decision, it just simply 'happened'.
On the other side of things, if love were simply a logical decision then it would seem to follow that if we could provide reasonable evidence to said person that we were indeed the person they were looking for then we would be able to sway their heart from 'no spark' to 'spark'. If someone said they wanted "X, Y and Z.. with a little Q." and lo and behold you were exactly an 'X,Y,Z and Q' kind of person then you'd be the man/woman for the job! But that's not how love works. If that spark is not there for you then it usually doesn't matter how good a case is presented, you know in your heart it just isn't going to happen.
So back to the original issue.. do we really have a choice or do we just react when that spark shows itself? I'm inclined to believe our actions are the carrying out of what our final choice is. Yet, at the same time, I don't think our choices are always in-sync with our desires. Seems strange, almost nutty. But looking back at some of the women I've gotten serious with, they didn't fit the 'sketch' of the person I'd planned to choose, yet by my actions I still chose to see if it was possible to work it out. Deep down I desire certain qualities in a woman, yet have seen myself choose the opposite of those desires. I'm sure you've seen this in others if not even in your own experience.
So, is there anything we can do about this? The first thing that comes to mind is the idea that we make a list of the qualities we absolutely must have in a person and refuse to get involved with anyone who does not meet that 'profile'. I guess that would eliminate the problem, along with the chance that perhaps you'd pass by the person you'd really be happiest with who is actually different than you'd imagined.. as many happy couples can attest to. (And all this is assuming you have the sheer will to turn away anyone with whom do feel 'spark' for.) You could stand there with your list, look out amongst the crowd, spot the person who finally does fit the 'profile' only to find.. perhaps you don't fit -their- profile. And then repeat the process. Hmm. Yes, we do need to have criteria, but I don't think this list idea is going to solve the issue of choice over 'chemistry'.
A friend of mine told me the other day, "Man, some things just aren't meant to be understood." I have difficulty with that concept. I still don't fully grasp to what degree our choice has to do with who we actually fall in love with, especially when you throw in the concept of destiny, if you believe in such a thing. I don't fully grasp how my stereo pulls songs out of thin air from something called radio-waves either, yet that doesn't preclude it from being understandable to mankind. So many times great couples have gotten together by circumstance or chance. It (love) had already happened before choice had anything to do with it. Some people do set out on a mission to find such and such in a mate and are happy with the results. Perhaps with time this will make sense. Until then I'll just have to play referee between my head.. which says, "This is the person we're looking for because it makes sense." and my heart.. which says, "This one has my undying favor, just because."
LOVE: NEEDS
There is no” we” there is “me” and “me” is different than “you” so our needs are different accordingly..
Some can have similar needs , yet not all their needs are similar…
We all want to be happy.. healthy .. wealthy (or some modest would say “with no money problems”), successful , safe,,, having good sex etc in the general meaning of these needs ..while specific meaning of these needs can be individual to each and every one of us…
But each and every one of us has its own needs that are his/her specific needs that some of us can understand while others really can’t comprehend …
The lack of compassion and love towards one another cause us to make fun of each other’s needs in a way that creates arguments …or simply deny the need for those needs…
But believe it or not if we don’t start understanding the needs of the “another” then the “another” won’t show understanding to our needs and that can cause a chaos in a relationship , any relationship…
Did you ever think about your partner's needs as you were satisfying yours? Think hard ,,just as you were getting satisfied did you think of your partner needs ?
You know many couples simply split when they fail to consider, understand, satisfy their partner’s needs ,and others simply live happy ever after when they do ,,yet not always complying with your partner’s needs is a mission possible…
Trying though to react to your partner’s needs , understand it , to comply with it , to satisfy it would save your relationship…
Some can have similar needs , yet not all their needs are similar…
We all want to be happy.. healthy .. wealthy (or some modest would say “with no money problems”), successful , safe,,, having good sex etc in the general meaning of these needs ..while specific meaning of these needs can be individual to each and every one of us…
But each and every one of us has its own needs that are his/her specific needs that some of us can understand while others really can’t comprehend …
The lack of compassion and love towards one another cause us to make fun of each other’s needs in a way that creates arguments …or simply deny the need for those needs…
But believe it or not if we don’t start understanding the needs of the “another” then the “another” won’t show understanding to our needs and that can cause a chaos in a relationship , any relationship…
Did you ever think about your partner's needs as you were satisfying yours? Think hard ,,just as you were getting satisfied did you think of your partner needs ?
You know many couples simply split when they fail to consider, understand, satisfy their partner’s needs ,and others simply live happy ever after when they do ,,yet not always complying with your partner’s needs is a mission possible…
Trying though to react to your partner’s needs , understand it , to comply with it , to satisfy it would save your relationship…
LOVE: COMMITMENT ANXIETY
There is no such thing as perfection. If you try to be perfect, you will never enjoy the process of what you are doing because your fear you will not live up to your expectation. No matter how well you do something, you always feel like a failure because you not lived up to your own impossible goals. It creates a feeling of constant insecurity because you are never good enough. Your outer self bets up on your inner self.
Pleasure of intimacy is often consciously and unconsciously thwarted by fear that may cause us to back away from the very thing we desire. Anxiety is a signal that you are anticipating something bad happening in the future. Often, it appears as if out of nowhere, descending and foreboding. You find yourself closing in and withdrawing. Your child mind might say: " I don't love myself so there must be something wrong with you if you want to be close to me." In this scenario, you are being self-critical, and you expect anyone who cares about you to be the same if they really get to know you. Of course, criticizing yourself is bad enough, but when you imagine the person you are attracted to joining in the bashing, it can be overwhelming.
The anxiety represents a conflict between desire and fear. Your inner and outer self are battling it out. One part of you says, "My partner is wonderful and sexy, I am excited I can't wait to go to be with them. " Another part says, " He is just after sex', or "How many lovers has he had in the past? or "You're going to get hurt."
It can be difficult to tell the difference between control and and caring. For the person trying to stop controlling, it involves giving up perfectionist expectations, expecting your partner to do thins the way you do. For the person being controlled, it involves giving up having to please and facing the fear of being responsible. it requires being aware of the difference between the anxious, heavy feeling of being dependent and the light loving security of inter dependence.
As you get to know a person as someone you really enjoy being with, commitment becomes more and more of an issue. Unless you make conscious decision that balance your needs with thost of your lover, you may start to fee trapped because you invest more and more of your time and energy in the relationship, and attend less and less to yourself as an independent entity. This is a reality you must face as you think of giving up dating other people. It is, in fact, true: there is always someone out there who si smarter, more attractive, wealthier, funnier, more lively, or may possess any number of more appealing characteristics than the person to whom you have made a commitment. You can spend the rest of your life looking for them and still end up alone---and lonely.
So much of our life is spent looking for the right person to love us that we feel at a loose end when the search is over. There is a sense of loss-- the high and lows of the search itself is missing. Now that you've found that person who really matches your expectations, the excitement that came from desiring something in the future is not longer there. It that is true for you, you have not learned how to enjoy life in this moment--the only moment in which you can truly be alive. You have returned to being what the Buddhist describe as a hungry ghost. your mind is else where, leaving your body as a corpse. You do not feel excited, you many realize, to be with your lover. In such a cases, your responses to your lover's ardent expression of love sound hollow, even to you. Sex may revive things for a while, but that too loses luster. Guilt creeps in. You start distance yourself. Like a dog locked in a run, you want to jump the fence and sniff out there possibilities.
It's natural for you to want to do your part with attractive people who come your way. Making a commitment to be with one person requires a heart-felt decision that goes against the grain of your inner adolescent--but the reward in the currency of love are beyond measure. Loving each other exclusively is a big leap step forward and a necessary one to give deep intimacy a chance. When you have an urge to stray, remember your commitment not to anything that will hurt your partner. The guilt, insecurity, and jealousy it will produce are hardly worth any transient pleasure you might obtain. When you do feel an emotional tug toward someone else, it's okay to enjoy your excitement, then stop and love yourself for not following through with the impulse.
Pleasure of intimacy is often consciously and unconsciously thwarted by fear that may cause us to back away from the very thing we desire. Anxiety is a signal that you are anticipating something bad happening in the future. Often, it appears as if out of nowhere, descending and foreboding. You find yourself closing in and withdrawing. Your child mind might say: " I don't love myself so there must be something wrong with you if you want to be close to me." In this scenario, you are being self-critical, and you expect anyone who cares about you to be the same if they really get to know you. Of course, criticizing yourself is bad enough, but when you imagine the person you are attracted to joining in the bashing, it can be overwhelming.
The anxiety represents a conflict between desire and fear. Your inner and outer self are battling it out. One part of you says, "My partner is wonderful and sexy, I am excited I can't wait to go to be with them. " Another part says, " He is just after sex', or "How many lovers has he had in the past? or "You're going to get hurt."
It can be difficult to tell the difference between control and and caring. For the person trying to stop controlling, it involves giving up perfectionist expectations, expecting your partner to do thins the way you do. For the person being controlled, it involves giving up having to please and facing the fear of being responsible. it requires being aware of the difference between the anxious, heavy feeling of being dependent and the light loving security of inter dependence.
As you get to know a person as someone you really enjoy being with, commitment becomes more and more of an issue. Unless you make conscious decision that balance your needs with thost of your lover, you may start to fee trapped because you invest more and more of your time and energy in the relationship, and attend less and less to yourself as an independent entity. This is a reality you must face as you think of giving up dating other people. It is, in fact, true: there is always someone out there who si smarter, more attractive, wealthier, funnier, more lively, or may possess any number of more appealing characteristics than the person to whom you have made a commitment. You can spend the rest of your life looking for them and still end up alone---and lonely.
So much of our life is spent looking for the right person to love us that we feel at a loose end when the search is over. There is a sense of loss-- the high and lows of the search itself is missing. Now that you've found that person who really matches your expectations, the excitement that came from desiring something in the future is not longer there. It that is true for you, you have not learned how to enjoy life in this moment--the only moment in which you can truly be alive. You have returned to being what the Buddhist describe as a hungry ghost. your mind is else where, leaving your body as a corpse. You do not feel excited, you many realize, to be with your lover. In such a cases, your responses to your lover's ardent expression of love sound hollow, even to you. Sex may revive things for a while, but that too loses luster. Guilt creeps in. You start distance yourself. Like a dog locked in a run, you want to jump the fence and sniff out there possibilities.
It's natural for you to want to do your part with attractive people who come your way. Making a commitment to be with one person requires a heart-felt decision that goes against the grain of your inner adolescent--but the reward in the currency of love are beyond measure. Loving each other exclusively is a big leap step forward and a necessary one to give deep intimacy a chance. When you have an urge to stray, remember your commitment not to anything that will hurt your partner. The guilt, insecurity, and jealousy it will produce are hardly worth any transient pleasure you might obtain. When you do feel an emotional tug toward someone else, it's okay to enjoy your excitement, then stop and love yourself for not following through with the impulse.
LOVE: TAKING SOMEONE FOR GRANTED
I Miss You
To see you, when I wake up is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do is a three-fold utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said, I miss you.
I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wastin away.
I know I'll see you again whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care and I miss you.
Very weird, funny and painful at the same time is when we lose someone in irreversible way, then find out how much we loved them .. Did that ever happen to you ?
Someone who is close to us , so close , yet for some reason we take that someone for granted , maybe because we are so sure that this person will always be there , or maybe because we are sure that the love of this person is so true and unconditional and will always stay or for any other stupid , silly or unaware reason that simply makes us blind ( and usually that's the human nature we appreciate more the people who dislike us or that don't pay us any attention, the people that reject us , those damn people are our challenge usually to make our life a living hell ) or maybe because we were busy checking other options that treated us the same way ( took us for granted etc),and just when we lose that person in any way , either by death ,or maybe simply because that person woke up and realized you weren't worth that challenge and they are better off without you and that their human nature should change or maybe they found a better person to love and love them back etc..
Then we suddenly wake up ! and say :OMG what have I done ? Why do I feel so miserable ? What's missing ?? Damn "that person" is missed , their love , their presence, their talk , even when we thought it was a bother or too much love that we are smothered with it , we wake up to realize what a loss we had , how stupid we were , what kind of a fool we were to simply let such person go without giving them the credit ,they loved us unconditionally even when we were assholes and didn't show them they are loved back or appreciated, we let them leave without showing them the love we know that we had towards them but were not aware it was there because we were selfish ,,But I must say that it's so cruel that we realize their loss only when it's too late ,,,
So , folks , look around you , does the above remind you of someone around you ?? If it does , don't wait till you lose them to wake up , be wise and appreciate them and their pure love now , because believe it or not , there might not be another chance to share that love with them or with anyone else if so ever, because you can never be certain to get the same chance they gave you, by them or by anyone else
To see you, when I wake up is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do is a three-fold utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said, I miss you.
I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wastin away.
I know I'll see you again whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care and I miss you.
Very weird, funny and painful at the same time is when we lose someone in irreversible way, then find out how much we loved them .. Did that ever happen to you ?
Someone who is close to us , so close , yet for some reason we take that someone for granted , maybe because we are so sure that this person will always be there , or maybe because we are sure that the love of this person is so true and unconditional and will always stay or for any other stupid , silly or unaware reason that simply makes us blind ( and usually that's the human nature we appreciate more the people who dislike us or that don't pay us any attention, the people that reject us , those damn people are our challenge usually to make our life a living hell ) or maybe because we were busy checking other options that treated us the same way ( took us for granted etc),and just when we lose that person in any way , either by death ,or maybe simply because that person woke up and realized you weren't worth that challenge and they are better off without you and that their human nature should change or maybe they found a better person to love and love them back etc..
Then we suddenly wake up ! and say :OMG what have I done ? Why do I feel so miserable ? What's missing ?? Damn "that person" is missed , their love , their presence, their talk , even when we thought it was a bother or too much love that we are smothered with it , we wake up to realize what a loss we had , how stupid we were , what kind of a fool we were to simply let such person go without giving them the credit ,they loved us unconditionally even when we were assholes and didn't show them they are loved back or appreciated, we let them leave without showing them the love we know that we had towards them but were not aware it was there because we were selfish ,,But I must say that it's so cruel that we realize their loss only when it's too late ,,,
So , folks , look around you , does the above remind you of someone around you ?? If it does , don't wait till you lose them to wake up , be wise and appreciate them and their pure love now , because believe it or not , there might not be another chance to share that love with them or with anyone else if so ever, because you can never be certain to get the same chance they gave you, by them or by anyone else
LOVE: THE ORIGIN OF MY NEED TO BE LOVED
At my earlier years, I did not know how to appreciate and love myself. Instead, I longed for someone to love me. As children, we are not accepted for who we are, that would have given us the emotional security necessary for future relationships. The message: "You are fine and wonderful just the way you are" is necessary for each of us to hear. This knowledge is required for us to be able to have loving feelings, not longing feelings, which are painful and destructive. When you fall in love with is determined by a complex set of stimuli. Physically, it can have something to do with how your mother or father looked or did not look--even the smell of their body can play a part. It might have been affected by how the opposite sex was presented in a movie. The more unsatisfied you are with your own appearance, the more compelling it will be to find a more perfect physical image to fall in love with. If you snare that person to be yours alone, you someone believe you become more attractive.
The biggest reason is that romance is based in large part on delusion---you turned that person you are attracted to into a dream character who possess all the qualities you longed for. Then come the crash---the real person who is your lover or your partner is covered with moles. Filled with disappointment and anger--you leave and go off in search of a new high. The good news is that it doesn't have to be like this. You are capable of loving---you don't have to search for someone new to have a romantic fix. True love is unconditional--warts and all. It involve deep devotions on the well being of your lover in goof times and bad. You are fully present with them in the moment. Free of judgment and temptations, it is a deeper and broader feeling that goes beyond words. Real love provides solid ground for a romance to flower over and over again
The biggest reason is that romance is based in large part on delusion---you turned that person you are attracted to into a dream character who possess all the qualities you longed for. Then come the crash---the real person who is your lover or your partner is covered with moles. Filled with disappointment and anger--you leave and go off in search of a new high. The good news is that it doesn't have to be like this. You are capable of loving---you don't have to search for someone new to have a romantic fix. True love is unconditional--warts and all. It involve deep devotions on the well being of your lover in goof times and bad. You are fully present with them in the moment. Free of judgment and temptations, it is a deeper and broader feeling that goes beyond words. Real love provides solid ground for a romance to flower over and over again
LOVE: THE MYTH OF POSSESSING THE MOST ATTRACTIVE PERSON
If you water and feed a rosebush with love and care, it rewards you with bigger blossoms and fragrances that delight the air around it. A rose pulled carelessly from its stem witehrs rapidly. If you become seduced by desire to control a beautiful person, that face contorts into the ugliness of anger, depression, or despair compounded by the helpless sadness over beauty's impermanence.
I know I shouldn't be so superficial, but I am. The truth is however, that we are all suckers for beauty to a greater or lesser extent. Even it's not ad addiction where we compulsively seek out someone who is spectacular to look at, and then become restless and agitated until we land that beautiful fish, that impulse can nevertheless exert a powerful influence over the way we behave. We are all victims, more or less of the same plot--a veritable double whammy from nature and culture. Our primary job as a species is to reproduce. Nature facilitates that by providing people who are attractive to us. Our culture has added to this mightily by become even more adept at merchandising beauty than licence plates. one out of a thousand people is chosen to be the epitome of desirability. The unspoken message our culture sends is that if you own, and especially if you can touch, the most wanted person, then you too are desirable. The cure lies in being able to identify specifically the quality you are attracted to and find a way to activate it in yourself---without changing your appearance.
If I had that gorgeous person, I'd be happy, powerful, turned on. complete and secure. That's what the storybooks tell us, and many people pursue beauty with those goal in mind. The truth is that you might have all those good feeling--at least transiently--with that beautiful person securely attached to your arm. You can get the same high by buying an expensive car. Like the car, your possession becomes old and less interesting. Love that is powered by the desire to control beauty produces hot passion that dies out quickly unless unconditional love of the deeper qualities within resparks the fire. I have all these beautiful picture of woman in the blog, but I know they are not real. What I like about them is not beauty, but their openness to sex.
When beauty fades or isn't there in the first place. One of my patients told me this about his wife. His hands and face were contorted by guilt and despair. He began, " The sweet innocence of her voice touched my heart, as it always has for the past twenty-four years. But then I looked up and was horrified by my reaction to her wrinkled skin and graying hair. It felt hypocritical to tell her I love her, even though somewhere deep down I knew I still felt that way. I couldn't stand the conflict inside of me. How do you tell someone you love, who has been the pivot of your life for many years, that you can't stand the way she looks and you want a divorce?
I had a friend who told me...."Mike is great. He's fun to be with. He loves kids, earn a good living, just the kind of guy I've been looking for for years. I'm 32,--the clock is running out for babies. He'd be a perfect father, but I'm just not turned on by him. His nose is too long, his legs are too thin. I feel broken-hearted about my decision to break off and not see him again. I'm afraid I will never find anyone half as nice as he is"
How many times have I heard this same larment? I love him/her, but I'm not attracted anymore. True beauty is a matter of the heart. This result in a behavior that can either nurture intimacy and love, or destroy it. It is worthwhile repeating the fact that passion based on desire to possess is accompanied by the need to control--to have things your way. The kind of love is very conditional, "I will only give love to you if you look and act in a certain way" The expectations always lead to disappointment and suffering. How can you turn desire into heartfelt caring, which is a prelude to love that last.
I know I shouldn't be so superficial, but I am. The truth is however, that we are all suckers for beauty to a greater or lesser extent. Even it's not ad addiction where we compulsively seek out someone who is spectacular to look at, and then become restless and agitated until we land that beautiful fish, that impulse can nevertheless exert a powerful influence over the way we behave. We are all victims, more or less of the same plot--a veritable double whammy from nature and culture. Our primary job as a species is to reproduce. Nature facilitates that by providing people who are attractive to us. Our culture has added to this mightily by become even more adept at merchandising beauty than licence plates. one out of a thousand people is chosen to be the epitome of desirability. The unspoken message our culture sends is that if you own, and especially if you can touch, the most wanted person, then you too are desirable. The cure lies in being able to identify specifically the quality you are attracted to and find a way to activate it in yourself---without changing your appearance.
If I had that gorgeous person, I'd be happy, powerful, turned on. complete and secure. That's what the storybooks tell us, and many people pursue beauty with those goal in mind. The truth is that you might have all those good feeling--at least transiently--with that beautiful person securely attached to your arm. You can get the same high by buying an expensive car. Like the car, your possession becomes old and less interesting. Love that is powered by the desire to control beauty produces hot passion that dies out quickly unless unconditional love of the deeper qualities within resparks the fire. I have all these beautiful picture of woman in the blog, but I know they are not real. What I like about them is not beauty, but their openness to sex.
When beauty fades or isn't there in the first place. One of my patients told me this about his wife. His hands and face were contorted by guilt and despair. He began, " The sweet innocence of her voice touched my heart, as it always has for the past twenty-four years. But then I looked up and was horrified by my reaction to her wrinkled skin and graying hair. It felt hypocritical to tell her I love her, even though somewhere deep down I knew I still felt that way. I couldn't stand the conflict inside of me. How do you tell someone you love, who has been the pivot of your life for many years, that you can't stand the way she looks and you want a divorce?
I had a friend who told me...."Mike is great. He's fun to be with. He loves kids, earn a good living, just the kind of guy I've been looking for for years. I'm 32,--the clock is running out for babies. He'd be a perfect father, but I'm just not turned on by him. His nose is too long, his legs are too thin. I feel broken-hearted about my decision to break off and not see him again. I'm afraid I will never find anyone half as nice as he is"
How many times have I heard this same larment? I love him/her, but I'm not attracted anymore. True beauty is a matter of the heart. This result in a behavior that can either nurture intimacy and love, or destroy it. It is worthwhile repeating the fact that passion based on desire to possess is accompanied by the need to control--to have things your way. The kind of love is very conditional, "I will only give love to you if you look and act in a certain way" The expectations always lead to disappointment and suffering. How can you turn desire into heartfelt caring, which is a prelude to love that last.
LOVE: WHAT YOU CALL LOVE
Be careful what you call love, for there are many kinds. All to often I see self love being touted off as love of another, but love of another should strive to be selfless even when it is not. Selfless love is a very hard thing to give from the frail human heart,(at least to another, but sometimes we give too much to ourselves) it's hard to get from a wounded spirit that needs just as much love back, so I understand the tricky nature of what I suggest. I ask only that we all try to tune into ourselves more, in order to lie less. It is important to understand also that not all deceptions are obvious even to the deceiver, nor are they aways intentional.( The devil's trickery at work, and yes the devil is real, if you doubt you make his struggle and that of all evil easier.) Knowing this myself I'm trying to point out we often deceive ourselves about our feelings with the best of intentions.
Please take time today to examine your love....What ever love you have in your life, be it self love, romantic love, love for a child. Let's take time to examine it and see the truth in it, we ordinarily might over look. What evil can lie in love you ask, what human emotion is more complex, do we every really see all it's facets, do we try?
When you love someone, do you love them to love them, nurture them and support them unconditionally, or do you love them to control them?
When you love someone do you love them because something about them is so dear to you, you cannot help yourself? Or do you love to be loved back?
When you love yourself, is it because you know you need self love to move forward on a spiritual or developmental level, or do you love yourself, purely so you can live with and over look your faults?
Do you love in order to protect and educate, or to have leverage to instill guilt and duty?
Be careful what you call love and how you love. Be careful what you call love, and most of all be careful how you allow yourself to define love and what you allow it to grow into over the test of time.
Love is not possession, love is freedom, when it becomes shackling and constrictive, and a burden, when you fear every misstep you may make could plunge you into loneliness and leave you in the cold, it is not love, but it isn't too late either. There is no place for fear in love, only trust.
This goes to the top because I need the reminder so badly too.
Please take time today to examine your love....What ever love you have in your life, be it self love, romantic love, love for a child. Let's take time to examine it and see the truth in it, we ordinarily might over look. What evil can lie in love you ask, what human emotion is more complex, do we every really see all it's facets, do we try?
When you love someone, do you love them to love them, nurture them and support them unconditionally, or do you love them to control them?
When you love someone do you love them because something about them is so dear to you, you cannot help yourself? Or do you love to be loved back?
When you love yourself, is it because you know you need self love to move forward on a spiritual or developmental level, or do you love yourself, purely so you can live with and over look your faults?
Do you love in order to protect and educate, or to have leverage to instill guilt and duty?
Be careful what you call love and how you love. Be careful what you call love, and most of all be careful how you allow yourself to define love and what you allow it to grow into over the test of time.
Love is not possession, love is freedom, when it becomes shackling and constrictive, and a burden, when you fear every misstep you may make could plunge you into loneliness and leave you in the cold, it is not love, but it isn't too late either. There is no place for fear in love, only trust.
This goes to the top because I need the reminder so badly too.
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