LOVE: THE MYTH OF POSSESSING THE MOST ATTRACTIVE PERSON

If you water and feed a rosebush with love and care, it rewards you with bigger blossoms and fragrances that delight the air around it. A rose pulled carelessly from its stem witehrs rapidly. If you become seduced by desire to control a beautiful person, that face contorts into the ugliness of anger, depression, or despair compounded by the helpless sadness over beauty's impermanence.

I know I shouldn't be so superficial, but I am. The truth is however, that we are all suckers for beauty to a greater or lesser extent. Even it's not ad addiction where we compulsively seek out someone who is spectacular to look at, and then become restless and agitated until we land that beautiful fish, that impulse can nevertheless exert a powerful influence over the way we behave. We are all victims, more or less of the same plot--a veritable double whammy from nature and culture. Our primary job as a species is to reproduce. Nature facilitates that by providing people who are attractive to us. Our culture has added to this mightily by become even more adept at merchandising beauty than licence plates. one out of a thousand people is chosen to be the epitome of desirability. The unspoken message our culture sends is that if you own, and especially if you can touch, the most wanted person, then you too are desirable. The cure lies in being able to identify specifically the quality you are attracted to and find a way to activate it in yourself---without changing your appearance.

If I had that gorgeous person, I'd be happy, powerful, turned on. complete and secure. That's what the storybooks tell us, and many people pursue beauty with those goal in mind. The truth is that you might have all those good feeling--at least transiently--with that beautiful person securely attached to your arm. You can get the same high by buying an expensive car. Like the car, your possession becomes old and less interesting. Love that is powered by the desire to control beauty produces hot passion that dies out quickly unless unconditional love of the deeper qualities within resparks the fire. I have all these beautiful picture of woman in the blog, but I know they are not real. What I like about them is not beauty, but their openness to sex.

When beauty fades or isn't there in the first place. One of my patients told me this about his wife. His hands and face were contorted by guilt and despair. He began, " The sweet innocence of her voice touched my heart, as it always has for the past twenty-four years. But then I looked up and was horrified by my reaction to her wrinkled skin and graying hair. It felt hypocritical to tell her I love her, even though somewhere deep down I knew I still felt that way. I couldn't stand the conflict inside of me. How do you tell someone you love, who has been the pivot of your life for many years, that you can't stand the way she looks and you want a divorce?

I had a friend who told me...."Mike is great. He's fun to be with. He loves kids, earn a good living, just the kind of guy I've been looking for for years. I'm 32,--the clock is running out for babies. He'd be a perfect father, but I'm just not turned on by him. His nose is too long, his legs are too thin. I feel broken-hearted about my decision to break off and not see him again. I'm afraid I will never find anyone half as nice as he is"

How many times have I heard this same larment? I love him/her, but I'm not attracted anymore. True beauty is a matter of the heart. This result in a behavior that can either nurture intimacy and love, or destroy it. It is worthwhile repeating the fact that passion based on desire to possess is accompanied by the need to control--to have things your way. The kind of love is very conditional, "I will only give love to you if you look and act in a certain way" The expectations always lead to disappointment and suffering. How can you turn desire into heartfelt caring, which is a prelude to love that last.