My birthday is coming up and all I keep thinking is ..another year wasted.I haven't formed a family of my own. My motto in life has always been, “what is meant to be, will be”. Thoughts of being a dad and living life with a little hand in mine seemed within my reach. Then, almost as quickly as the dream appeared, it was gone and I was back to being my same old self.
I need to think of what the real driving force behind my “tick, tock” is and I have to learn not to dwell on what is not “meant to be”.Deep down I know i have a burning desire to have a child.What gets me most is my Mom. I can hear my Mom’s voice inside my head; “When are you going to give me a grandchild?”; “Well, I guess my end of the family line is going to end with you.”; and my favourite, “It hurts me to think of you being alone when I’m gone.” My heart strings tug to the point of near breaking. However they don’t break because for me, providing a child so that my mother can have a grandchild or having one to ensure that I am not alone or so that I stay young at heart are not good enough reasons to have a child. Maybe I’m just afraid of getting old?
Having a child is a huge responsibility – one that if I were meant to carry out I would handle with the utmost care. It’s also something I think I would feel a deep need for within my soul. When I see Dads with their child(ren), playing games or doing everyday Father/child things – I feel envious. In those moments I think how nice, The time when it's the stronger is when I think for a moment on what might have been. Every once and a while though, when I see a father and child together-What would life be like had my own. Only time will tell.My mind, at times, is a mess on this subject. Every time I come back to the same conclusion – “What is meant to be, will be.”
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
DATING/LOVE/THOUGHTS: THE TRUTH ABOUT PRINCE CHARMING
You know time and time again I ran into lots of women that end up all alone and all by themselves. Why? Because when Prince Charming walked through the door he wasn't good enough.
It's either he is not rich enough, he is too short. Not only that but if the guy don't have a high paying job he is not good enough for the parents.while her biological clock keep ticking away. Her Biological clock keep ticking away and then she can't have kids so the poor girl end up with no kids, no husband and all lonely and miserable in the end.While she keep waiting for this perfect man to walk through the door age is doing a number on her face. So she is now in her mid 40's and not many men are interested in her. All of a sudden her mother fall down and dead and then few years later her father fall down and dead so she is left all alone all by herself.So the Motto of the story is lots of women end up all alone because the man they took home wasn't good enough. There are thousands of women like that and they have nothing but regrets in their lives...In the end the Prince Charming find someone that accept him for who he is and living a happy life...
It's either he is not rich enough, he is too short. Not only that but if the guy don't have a high paying job he is not good enough for the parents.while her biological clock keep ticking away. Her Biological clock keep ticking away and then she can't have kids so the poor girl end up with no kids, no husband and all lonely and miserable in the end.While she keep waiting for this perfect man to walk through the door age is doing a number on her face. So she is now in her mid 40's and not many men are interested in her. All of a sudden her mother fall down and dead and then few years later her father fall down and dead so she is left all alone all by herself.So the Motto of the story is lots of women end up all alone because the man they took home wasn't good enough. There are thousands of women like that and they have nothing but regrets in their lives...In the end the Prince Charming find someone that accept him for who he is and living a happy life...
DATING/LOVE/THOUGHTS: WOMAN WHO ARE LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME
I am a man who I would consider to have normal goals, a good personality, and good looks,.While I may not be the most amazing man out there, I donít think it would be unreasonable to expect woman to be interested in me. Unfortunately however, my experience hasn't been great.. I have been very disappointed with the attitudes of the girls I have gone out with as far as their willingness to make a commitment goes.
My dentist recently set me up with a very nice girl. Our first date lasted for about three hours and I had a good time. A few days later, I tried to call her several times to ask her out on a second date, but could not get through to her. She finally emailed me described me as a very nice guy with similar interests to hers, she was too busy with law school to date anyone seriously right now. Now, if she isn't ready for a serious relationship yet, I understand, but in that case, why did she feel the need to waste my time and go out with me?
A friend of mine had a similar experience. He went out with a girl and tried to ask her out on a second date a few days later. She replied, she had had a good time with him, she was going to be studying in California for the next two months and therefore couldn't commit to getting into a serious relationship. While I'm sure she didn't intent to hurt my friend in any way, she succeeded in making him very upset by essentially playing with his emotions.
I just can't understand what these girls are looking for when they agree to go out on a date with someone. I find it hard to believe that a girl would just be looking for a good time. This reminds me of another experience that I had: I was set up with and went out with one girl five times. I really liked her and wanted to continue dating her, but after our fifth date, she told me that she didn't think we should go our anymore because she didn't think that the relationship was moving quickly enough. Since I really liked her, I asked her what she meant and expressed a willingness to get more serious with her. However, she told me that she just wasn't sure about me and didn't want to prolong the relationship by going out on, say, another five dates while she could have perhaps been meeting other people. Now that comment was not only extremely hurtful to me, but it led me to believe that she was not really interested in being in a serious relationship with anybody. She was a smart girl and I cannot imagine that she didn't realize that a relationship must develop between two people over the course of several months while they grow toward each other.
PERSONAL/DATING/LOVE:HOPEFULLY IT WILL ALL BE WORTH IT
Dating can be so incredibly hard. It’s hard meeting people. I’m constantly in limbo between, “when you stop looking, that’s when love finds you.” And, “You can’t play if you’re not in the game.” I’ve joined dating websites & apps. I have talk to some perfectly wonderful woman on here, but nothing can change how I feel about relationships. If you’re going to be with me, you should understand who I am. I will always talk about movies..music..books..and love. I wouldn’t be on dates if I didn’t want to end up with someone, and I certainly wouldn’t want to take anyone by surprise down the road by waiting to explain just what I want out of life. And then after a certain amount of consecutive failed with woman, I think that maybe if I stop looking — someone wonderful will fall right into my lap.
I had a couple of serious girlfriends in college, looking back, I didn’t have much in common with them— but I was much more able to fully trust these woman than the woman now. Is it easier to “fall in love” in college because we’re purer? I say “fall in love” because I’m not sure that I was in love with anyone when I was younger, but I do know that it all felt very real at the time. I was certain I was set for life once or twice. Was I more naïve and in turn just more trusting of good intentions? Was I just hopelessly devoting myself to anyone because subconsciously I thought this is the time to meet my girl? Who knows! I hate sounding so fluttery, but this has become a real concern to me.
I’ve been on a few dates since my divorce where I have been on the opposite side of things— I was smitten on one of these dates, convinced that I had found someone who shared similar wants. She left a voicemail to make sure that I had gotten home safely, and then I never heard from her again. Did I seem underwhelmed like so many of my past daters? What went wrong?
Truth is: you know when you know, right? At least that’s all I can tell myself in the meantime. I don’t expect anything anymore. My family have always called me a dating/love optimist. Almost all dates “went well” until a week has past and I haven’t heard from the woman since the date. Then I start to really think about the date and think about what I might have done wrong. Sometimes I’m too forward, sometimes I’m too reserved, sometimes I’m too critical — but in reality, I’m being myself. And I’m not with that person because we didn’t match as well as someone else could. And that’s okay, because I’ll find someone who matches me better too! The wait is hard, but hopefully it will all be worth it.
I had a couple of serious girlfriends in college, looking back, I didn’t have much in common with them— but I was much more able to fully trust these woman than the woman now. Is it easier to “fall in love” in college because we’re purer? I say “fall in love” because I’m not sure that I was in love with anyone when I was younger, but I do know that it all felt very real at the time. I was certain I was set for life once or twice. Was I more naïve and in turn just more trusting of good intentions? Was I just hopelessly devoting myself to anyone because subconsciously I thought this is the time to meet my girl? Who knows! I hate sounding so fluttery, but this has become a real concern to me.
I’ve been on a few dates since my divorce where I have been on the opposite side of things— I was smitten on one of these dates, convinced that I had found someone who shared similar wants. She left a voicemail to make sure that I had gotten home safely, and then I never heard from her again. Did I seem underwhelmed like so many of my past daters? What went wrong?
Truth is: you know when you know, right? At least that’s all I can tell myself in the meantime. I don’t expect anything anymore. My family have always called me a dating/love optimist. Almost all dates “went well” until a week has past and I haven’t heard from the woman since the date. Then I start to really think about the date and think about what I might have done wrong. Sometimes I’m too forward, sometimes I’m too reserved, sometimes I’m too critical — but in reality, I’m being myself. And I’m not with that person because we didn’t match as well as someone else could. And that’s okay, because I’ll find someone who matches me better too! The wait is hard, but hopefully it will all be worth it.
PERSONAL/DATING/LOVE: RAREST QUALITIES TO FIND IN A WOMAN IS KINDNESS
As a smart decent-looking man with an outward confidence and the ability to hold an intelligent conversation, online dating is much less a necessity than it is a tool. Meeting people in “real life” is easy, but quality meetings can be sparse and those in bars more than a little disingenuous, so the wide-net-fine-filter approach of an online dating profile seemed a perfect complement to my newfound hectic New York lifestyle.
What started as an experiment has done for my dating life what the assembly line did for the Model T, but at an unfortunate and unexpected detriment to my “boyfriend material.” Being a person who has his head on his shoulder (I think this is 90% of it), educated, and dashingly handsome—not to mention incredibly modest—with a well-thought-out, original profile makes me stand out in a sea of middle-aged creeps, jobless hipsters and “lawnguyland” in backwards caps standing shirtless in front of a car that they probably don’t own. This gets me—for a man—a substantial volume of messages from attractive, interesting, and confident women (something of which New York thankfully has an abnormally high percentage).
This revelation led to an embarrassingly vulnerable, loneliness-induced update of my profile in which I bluntly—and frankly, a little cheesily—laid out exactly what I was looking for in my perfect relationship. From the new messages that came pouring in, I was apparently looking for exactly the same thing as quite a bit of female population, I’m not alone on my Sisyphean fool’s errand of trying to find love.
I told one person who responded to me that one of the rarest qualities to find in a woman today—at least towards eligible men—was kindness. So many men are simply starving for kindness from a woman but so often find sarcasm and cynicism instead. It is easy for a man to feel that some women are actually looking to find fault, ready to pounce on him at the slightest ill-chosen word or misspoken comment. Men complain that they often feel around women that they cannot win, or say or do anything right. Such women drive men away.
Perhaps women today may have good reasons for these attitudes, but they are very wounding to a man, especially to an interested man who is serious, sincere, and sensitive.
Such a man will not ask such a woman out.
He simply doesn't want to be around it. I understand that in today's world it can be imprudent and even downright dangerous for a woman to be too kind too soon to a man she doesn't know well, and even then there still is chance of betrayal. The Sexual Revolution has ruined it for everyone as far as trust goes, but sarcasm and cynicism towards men have become epidemic in our society, and it has become so ingrained, so second-nature, that most women are not even conscious that they're being that way—but the men are. And they go the other way.
In terms of the risk factor, traditionally it has always been up to the woman to control how far things went and how fast, and, if she liked him, still keep the man captivated. I said that in the confusion of the day that that was perhaps one more thing that was lost, or at least severely damaged. What has been lost, was an ancient womanly wisdom that women in previous ages had always intuitively known, on how to "handle" (not manipulate) a man—that is, how to anticipate him and keep him happy.
A modern woman might interpret this sort of thing as "game playing" but it is not. It is a deadly serious business that holds civilization together. Quails and pelicans have their mating rituals and dances and so do humans.
The wife can and ought to claim the primacy of love in the home, as the husband claims primacy of authority. The heart must balance the head and vice versa. So, far from playing games, the maintenance of this delicate and glorious dance between the sexes is all important, and often calls for special wisdom, the shrewdness of love, from the woman.
What started as an experiment has done for my dating life what the assembly line did for the Model T, but at an unfortunate and unexpected detriment to my “boyfriend material.” Being a person who has his head on his shoulder (I think this is 90% of it), educated, and dashingly handsome—not to mention incredibly modest—with a well-thought-out, original profile makes me stand out in a sea of middle-aged creeps, jobless hipsters and “lawnguyland” in backwards caps standing shirtless in front of a car that they probably don’t own. This gets me—for a man—a substantial volume of messages from attractive, interesting, and confident women (something of which New York thankfully has an abnormally high percentage).
This revelation led to an embarrassingly vulnerable, loneliness-induced update of my profile in which I bluntly—and frankly, a little cheesily—laid out exactly what I was looking for in my perfect relationship. From the new messages that came pouring in, I was apparently looking for exactly the same thing as quite a bit of female population, I’m not alone on my Sisyphean fool’s errand of trying to find love.
I told one person who responded to me that one of the rarest qualities to find in a woman today—at least towards eligible men—was kindness. So many men are simply starving for kindness from a woman but so often find sarcasm and cynicism instead. It is easy for a man to feel that some women are actually looking to find fault, ready to pounce on him at the slightest ill-chosen word or misspoken comment. Men complain that they often feel around women that they cannot win, or say or do anything right. Such women drive men away.
Perhaps women today may have good reasons for these attitudes, but they are very wounding to a man, especially to an interested man who is serious, sincere, and sensitive.
Such a man will not ask such a woman out.
He simply doesn't want to be around it. I understand that in today's world it can be imprudent and even downright dangerous for a woman to be too kind too soon to a man she doesn't know well, and even then there still is chance of betrayal. The Sexual Revolution has ruined it for everyone as far as trust goes, but sarcasm and cynicism towards men have become epidemic in our society, and it has become so ingrained, so second-nature, that most women are not even conscious that they're being that way—but the men are. And they go the other way.
In terms of the risk factor, traditionally it has always been up to the woman to control how far things went and how fast, and, if she liked him, still keep the man captivated. I said that in the confusion of the day that that was perhaps one more thing that was lost, or at least severely damaged. What has been lost, was an ancient womanly wisdom that women in previous ages had always intuitively known, on how to "handle" (not manipulate) a man—that is, how to anticipate him and keep him happy.
A modern woman might interpret this sort of thing as "game playing" but it is not. It is a deadly serious business that holds civilization together. Quails and pelicans have their mating rituals and dances and so do humans.
The wife can and ought to claim the primacy of love in the home, as the husband claims primacy of authority. The heart must balance the head and vice versa. So, far from playing games, the maintenance of this delicate and glorious dance between the sexes is all important, and often calls for special wisdom, the shrewdness of love, from the woman.
PERSONAL: WE ARE IN THE SAME BOAT
I should start off by noting that I understand your pain, ladies. Internet dating sites—especially the free ones—are filled with guys who are…less than savory.
They believe that shirtless (or worse) photos are going to make you quiver with barely-restrained passion. Their idea of witty repartee is, “Wazzup, cute thang,” or overt sexual come-ons. Men are pigs. And, yep, I’m saying this as a man.
But here’s the thing. I’m not one of those guys. I still believe in love. I still am searching for first dates that will lead to second dates and, possibly, to a long-term relationship.
I make initial contact with (what I at least hope is) a clever “shot across the bow.” I make reference to something the woman mentions in her profile. I only write to women with whom I am compatible…according to whatever byzantine logic is used by the particular dating site.
According to discussions with female friends and perusals of various sites that claim to give me the secrets of “what women want,” women want me. There, I said it.
But they don’t.
I’ve made it to one failed marriages, yet I remain (for the most part) a romantic and not a cynic. I’ve learned from my mistakes. I own my garbage, my baggage, and my issues.
Those of us dating online are in the same leaky boat. We want to get off that boat and onto dry land. Based on innumerable first dates that have run the gamut from “nothing there” to “couldn’t be better,” I’ve got to air my grievances.
Don’t say that you’re interested in a long-term relationship if you aren’t. I’ve had a couple of occasions during which I believe the “failure to launch” was due to the fact that the woman I met did not really believe she’d find someone special. Don’t be afraid to admit that there’s nothing there. I think I’m pretty good at reading energy, but I’m not infallible. I may be totally into a woman, think she feels the same way, but be completely off-base. If you sense that I’m feeling something you’re not, then—in a nice way—let me know that. I wouldn’t want to meet you if I didn’t think we had some potential. So, once again…We’re all in the same leaky boat. Let’s try not to torpedo one another while seeking the solace of calm seas. Good luck (to all of us reluctant sailors)
They believe that shirtless (or worse) photos are going to make you quiver with barely-restrained passion. Their idea of witty repartee is, “Wazzup, cute thang,” or overt sexual come-ons. Men are pigs. And, yep, I’m saying this as a man.
But here’s the thing. I’m not one of those guys. I still believe in love. I still am searching for first dates that will lead to second dates and, possibly, to a long-term relationship.
I make initial contact with (what I at least hope is) a clever “shot across the bow.” I make reference to something the woman mentions in her profile. I only write to women with whom I am compatible…according to whatever byzantine logic is used by the particular dating site.
According to discussions with female friends and perusals of various sites that claim to give me the secrets of “what women want,” women want me. There, I said it.
But they don’t.
I’ve made it to one failed marriages, yet I remain (for the most part) a romantic and not a cynic. I’ve learned from my mistakes. I own my garbage, my baggage, and my issues.
Those of us dating online are in the same leaky boat. We want to get off that boat and onto dry land. Based on innumerable first dates that have run the gamut from “nothing there” to “couldn’t be better,” I’ve got to air my grievances.
Don’t say that you’re interested in a long-term relationship if you aren’t. I’ve had a couple of occasions during which I believe the “failure to launch” was due to the fact that the woman I met did not really believe she’d find someone special. Don’t be afraid to admit that there’s nothing there. I think I’m pretty good at reading energy, but I’m not infallible. I may be totally into a woman, think she feels the same way, but be completely off-base. If you sense that I’m feeling something you’re not, then—in a nice way—let me know that. I wouldn’t want to meet you if I didn’t think we had some potential. So, once again…We’re all in the same leaky boat. Let’s try not to torpedo one another while seeking the solace of calm seas. Good luck (to all of us reluctant sailors)
DATING/LOVE/THOUGHTS:TICKING CLOCK WOMAN
I been out of the dating scene for a couple of years and now that I am back...i notice a lot of woman aren't in any hurry to rush down and get married. Being independent and successful has proved to be heady mix that girls are finding hard to resist.Women now want a successful career before they head for the aisle. Do most woman find themselves saying, "I want achieve this or that before I have kids?" Do they worry that they'd live in poverty if they had kids too soon? Do they hold off because they worry they can't provide for a family (whether it's just the basics or more luxurious ideals with homes, cars, vacations, items, large bank accounts, etc.)?
It's like a career, traveling, and living together for prolonged periods of time, and delaying "growing up" have taken the place of thinking about settling down, preparing body, heart, and mind to start a family, making real commitments and getting married.People have adopted to the "norms" of our money/success focused society. I mean, it seems very normal for many men and women to feel the need to seek wealth, education, experiences, worldly success, security, and even luxuries first...before pursuing family life. It didn't use to be like this. People used to just have kids earlier and make do. But it seems priorities and expectations have really shifted
So many women really are fooled into thinking "they have time" to have kids. Maybe they hear of women in their thirties and forties having babies...but because infertility is such a silent journey for the majority of women, you don't often hear about the journey they went through to have a child...including often $20-$50k (or more) for fertility treatments, freezing eggs, and/or adoption, loads of dr. appts., and often the use of egg donors Also, there's a lot of sugar coating going on...people try to comfort one another by saying "You have time" when really, people are blowing smoke!!
Me? I want to get married and have kids. I usually finds a way to bring up the topic and if the woman is adamantly about marriage and kids and doesn't seem like she in rush for it..I don't waste my time with her. It’s just too important to me to risk falling in love with someone who doesn’t want them, only to have to end things because my desire to have family and kids soon is non-negotiable and so is their desire not to, I learned a long time agao... if you choose someone who doesn't match your core values but fool yourself into thinking you can change him or her, down the road, you are in for a big disappointment,
When a women’s “baby bells” get turned on, which can happen at any given moment, suddenly the sound of her biological clock ticking away gets louder and louder. There is a great scene, a classic one actually with Marisa Tomei & Joe Pesci where she tells him about her biological clock. In fact she earned an Academy award for her performance in this film. If you haven’t seen it look it up on YouTube, it is a telling scene.
The fertility window is closing, which, frankly, it is. On average, a woman's fertility drops precipitously after age 34, as both the quantity and quality of her eggs dwindle.When you're not seeing the truth of who they really are and where it's really going, and all you keep thinking is that he's cute and he's into you — that's when you do waste time,
If a woman is worried about her biological clock. I notice it usually helped them to get really focused on what they truly wanted in a partner. You see, all those qualities that most woman thought they wanted in a guy, all those must-haves list, were really all about their own insecurities and their earlier programming from the media, peers, family, etc., and had nothing to do with what they really wanted, which was a family of their own. While they were out searching for the elusive fireworks and butterflies, what they should have had an eye out for was someone with the qualities of a good husband and a good father.
So many woman evaluating men, tend to think it's an either-or scenario: either they're head over heels attracted to him or he's just not our type. But I can't tell you how many women I know who married the seemingly perfect guy they were head over heels for that turned out to be the wrong guy for them. I can't begin to express the heartbreak and pain of theseparation and divorce for everyone involved when in the end, the perfect guy turned out to be the player who just couldn't stop playing, or they finally realized that they just wanted different things in life. All of them realized, painfully too late, that if only they would have known what to look for earlier they would have chosen differently. I learn that with my ex wife.
If you're so concerned about your biological clock that you're thinking about having a child without a partner in your life (and it certainly can be done these days) remember that the reality is being a single mom is one of the most challenging and difficult roles you can take on. It's very common, but that doesn't mean that it's easy by any stretch. It also will make finding a romantic partner much harder, as supporting yourself and caring for a child leaves very little time for any kind of serious dating.
Being part of a couple when you're raising a child really is a much better scenario. The key is to make sure it's with someone who is on the same page, shares the same values and has the qualities that really matter, even if he's not what you currently think is your type. The fact that he’s going to be such a great dad to your kids, treats you well, and shares the same values is going to make him so attractive to you when you can look beyond the must give you butterflies entry on your current list. You'll be amazed at just how quickly love can grow when you respect and care for someone that respects and cares for you in return.
Most woman should start taking another look at that guy who's their good friend, or the one they just don't feel it with, or the one they think is missing something. Look at him in this new light of what they really want –a committed relationship with a guy that wants to be a dad as much as they want to be a mom. He might just be someone that they could fall in love with after all when you realize what’s really important to you. You'll start to see that most of the qualities that are important in a dad aren't the same as what you've been finding yourself attracted to in a man
PART II
You have to consider that when you are in your early 30s. Your biological clock is ticking away and you have a small window of opportunity to marry and bring children into this world. I would not, G-d forbid want to receive a email from you five years hence saying, “I should have married him. I’m so lonely. I want so desperately to have children.”
I can’t begin to tell you how many single woman have sounded that lament. I listen to them on the phone telling me how wonderful that they are devoted to their nieces and nephews, but at the end of the day, you want to have your own children. You not only want to be an aunt…you want to be a mommy.
So ask yourself these questions:
It's like a career, traveling, and living together for prolonged periods of time, and delaying "growing up" have taken the place of thinking about settling down, preparing body, heart, and mind to start a family, making real commitments and getting married.People have adopted to the "norms" of our money/success focused society. I mean, it seems very normal for many men and women to feel the need to seek wealth, education, experiences, worldly success, security, and even luxuries first...before pursuing family life. It didn't use to be like this. People used to just have kids earlier and make do. But it seems priorities and expectations have really shifted
So many women really are fooled into thinking "they have time" to have kids. Maybe they hear of women in their thirties and forties having babies...but because infertility is such a silent journey for the majority of women, you don't often hear about the journey they went through to have a child...including often $20-$50k (or more) for fertility treatments, freezing eggs, and/or adoption, loads of dr. appts., and often the use of egg donors Also, there's a lot of sugar coating going on...people try to comfort one another by saying "You have time" when really, people are blowing smoke!!
Me? I want to get married and have kids. I usually finds a way to bring up the topic and if the woman is adamantly about marriage and kids and doesn't seem like she in rush for it..I don't waste my time with her. It’s just too important to me to risk falling in love with someone who doesn’t want them, only to have to end things because my desire to have family and kids soon is non-negotiable and so is their desire not to, I learned a long time agao... if you choose someone who doesn't match your core values but fool yourself into thinking you can change him or her, down the road, you are in for a big disappointment,
When a women’s “baby bells” get turned on, which can happen at any given moment, suddenly the sound of her biological clock ticking away gets louder and louder. There is a great scene, a classic one actually with Marisa Tomei & Joe Pesci where she tells him about her biological clock. In fact she earned an Academy award for her performance in this film. If you haven’t seen it look it up on YouTube, it is a telling scene.
The fertility window is closing, which, frankly, it is. On average, a woman's fertility drops precipitously after age 34, as both the quantity and quality of her eggs dwindle.When you're not seeing the truth of who they really are and where it's really going, and all you keep thinking is that he's cute and he's into you — that's when you do waste time,
If a woman is worried about her biological clock. I notice it usually helped them to get really focused on what they truly wanted in a partner. You see, all those qualities that most woman thought they wanted in a guy, all those must-haves list, were really all about their own insecurities and their earlier programming from the media, peers, family, etc., and had nothing to do with what they really wanted, which was a family of their own. While they were out searching for the elusive fireworks and butterflies, what they should have had an eye out for was someone with the qualities of a good husband and a good father.
So many woman evaluating men, tend to think it's an either-or scenario: either they're head over heels attracted to him or he's just not our type. But I can't tell you how many women I know who married the seemingly perfect guy they were head over heels for that turned out to be the wrong guy for them. I can't begin to express the heartbreak and pain of theseparation and divorce for everyone involved when in the end, the perfect guy turned out to be the player who just couldn't stop playing, or they finally realized that they just wanted different things in life. All of them realized, painfully too late, that if only they would have known what to look for earlier they would have chosen differently. I learn that with my ex wife.
If you're so concerned about your biological clock that you're thinking about having a child without a partner in your life (and it certainly can be done these days) remember that the reality is being a single mom is one of the most challenging and difficult roles you can take on. It's very common, but that doesn't mean that it's easy by any stretch. It also will make finding a romantic partner much harder, as supporting yourself and caring for a child leaves very little time for any kind of serious dating.
Being part of a couple when you're raising a child really is a much better scenario. The key is to make sure it's with someone who is on the same page, shares the same values and has the qualities that really matter, even if he's not what you currently think is your type. The fact that he’s going to be such a great dad to your kids, treats you well, and shares the same values is going to make him so attractive to you when you can look beyond the must give you butterflies entry on your current list. You'll be amazed at just how quickly love can grow when you respect and care for someone that respects and cares for you in return.
Most woman should start taking another look at that guy who's their good friend, or the one they just don't feel it with, or the one they think is missing something. Look at him in this new light of what they really want –a committed relationship with a guy that wants to be a dad as much as they want to be a mom. He might just be someone that they could fall in love with after all when you realize what’s really important to you. You'll start to see that most of the qualities that are important in a dad aren't the same as what you've been finding yourself attracted to in a man
PART II
You have to consider that when you are in your early 30s. Your biological clock is ticking away and you have a small window of opportunity to marry and bring children into this world. I would not, G-d forbid want to receive a email from you five years hence saying, “I should have married him. I’m so lonely. I want so desperately to have children.”
I can’t begin to tell you how many single woman have sounded that lament. I listen to them on the phone telling me how wonderful that they are devoted to their nieces and nephews, but at the end of the day, you want to have your own children. You not only want to be an aunt…you want to be a mommy.
So ask yourself these questions:
1) Will this man be a good father to my children? Once you have children, they become your primary concern.
2) Is this man someone whom I can respect? If there is respect, love will follow, but if there is love without respect, then disdain follows.
3) Does this man share my aspirations for life? Does he have the same beliefs that I do? Does he want to raise our children in the same spirit as I do?
4) Is he good-hearted? Is he kind and considerate? (Even the most handsome face, the most brilliant mind and the wittiest personality can become repulsive overnight if he is not good-hearted.)
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
LOVE, DATING/ THOUGTHS: WOMAN ARE SO STUPID....YOU DON'T HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD
Age matters. You really do lose eggs quickly."
You know the #1 thing that people have said to woman for years? "You've got PLENTY of time! No worries!" OK, let me just put this out there: our culture seriously needs to stop saying that.
THERE IS LOADS OF RESEARCH that says the prime time to have a child is in your TWENTIES...as in 26 years of age and under. Fertility and egg quality begins to decline at age 27. Yet, it's practically taboo in some areas to have a baby in your mid-twenties! Strange (& tricky) that our cultural ideals do not line up with our biology any more. It's like a career, traveling, and living together for prolonged periods of time, and delaying "growing up" have taken the place of thinking about settling down, preparing body, heart, and mind to start a family, making real commitments and getting married (for both men and women).
Why do you think that is the case?
I think there are so many deep-rooted cultural shifts...but here's my stab at a few that come to mind
-It's unbelievably difficult to juggle a career and a family. I think many women feel the pressure to choose a career path (and hold off on kids) for as many years as possible because, unfortunately, most companies and work demands are not family-friendly. I think it can be a conflicting thing for women...as self-worth and dreams can be wrapped up in a career and successful pursuits, though sometimes that path often doesn't match up with their biology as women to give birth in their mid twenties and begin nurturing young kids.
-Many women and men don't feel any rush to settle down. I think birth control and the acceptable norm of living together before marriage has taken away - for many - the norm of getting married, settling down, and starting a family in your mid twenties.
-People have adopted to the "norms" of our money/success focused society. I mean, it seems very normal for many men and women to feel the need to seek wealth, education, experiences, worldly success, security, and even luxuries first...before pursuing family life. It didn't use to be like this. People used to just have kids earlier and make do. But it seems priorities and expectations have really shifted. Do most woman find themselves saying, "I want achieve this or that before I have kids?" Do they worry that they'd live in poverty if they had kids too soon? Do they hold off because they worry they can't provide for a family (whether it's just the basics or more luxurious ideals with homes, cars, vacations, items, large bank accounts, etc.)?
-So many women really are fooled into thinking "they have time" to have kids. Maybe they hear of women in their thirties and forties having babies...but because infertility is such a silent journey for the majority of women, you don't often hear about the journey they went through to have a child...including often $20-$50k (or more) for fertility treatments, freezing eggs, and/or adoption, loads of dr. appts., and often the use of egg donors Also, there's a lot of sugar coating going on...people try to comfort one another by saying "You have time" when really, people are blowing smoke!!
3 out of 4 women do NOT have concerns about being able to conceive. They believe they will have an average, or easier time becoming pregnant compared to most women." Yikes. But you know what - the stats are there. People clearly are not catching on that the FERTILE YEARS ARE IN YOUR EARLY TO MID TWENTIES. I don't think educating with facts is shaming. Since 3 out of 4 women don't know the facts, I say it's worth trying to educate people in a big way. Perhaps it can help change the script that we think and repeat to each other and grow up with...and perhaps that can lead to people re-thinking their life plans (at least among those who do desire to have children) and seeking partners who are on the same page.
You know the #1 thing that people have said to woman for years? "You've got PLENTY of time! No worries!" OK, let me just put this out there: our culture seriously needs to stop saying that.
THERE IS LOADS OF RESEARCH that says the prime time to have a child is in your TWENTIES...as in 26 years of age and under. Fertility and egg quality begins to decline at age 27. Yet, it's practically taboo in some areas to have a baby in your mid-twenties! Strange (& tricky) that our cultural ideals do not line up with our biology any more. It's like a career, traveling, and living together for prolonged periods of time, and delaying "growing up" have taken the place of thinking about settling down, preparing body, heart, and mind to start a family, making real commitments and getting married (for both men and women).
Why do you think that is the case?
I think there are so many deep-rooted cultural shifts...but here's my stab at a few that come to mind
-It's unbelievably difficult to juggle a career and a family. I think many women feel the pressure to choose a career path (and hold off on kids) for as many years as possible because, unfortunately, most companies and work demands are not family-friendly. I think it can be a conflicting thing for women...as self-worth and dreams can be wrapped up in a career and successful pursuits, though sometimes that path often doesn't match up with their biology as women to give birth in their mid twenties and begin nurturing young kids.
-Many women and men don't feel any rush to settle down. I think birth control and the acceptable norm of living together before marriage has taken away - for many - the norm of getting married, settling down, and starting a family in your mid twenties.
-People have adopted to the "norms" of our money/success focused society. I mean, it seems very normal for many men and women to feel the need to seek wealth, education, experiences, worldly success, security, and even luxuries first...before pursuing family life. It didn't use to be like this. People used to just have kids earlier and make do. But it seems priorities and expectations have really shifted. Do most woman find themselves saying, "I want achieve this or that before I have kids?" Do they worry that they'd live in poverty if they had kids too soon? Do they hold off because they worry they can't provide for a family (whether it's just the basics or more luxurious ideals with homes, cars, vacations, items, large bank accounts, etc.)?
-So many women really are fooled into thinking "they have time" to have kids. Maybe they hear of women in their thirties and forties having babies...but because infertility is such a silent journey for the majority of women, you don't often hear about the journey they went through to have a child...including often $20-$50k (or more) for fertility treatments, freezing eggs, and/or adoption, loads of dr. appts., and often the use of egg donors Also, there's a lot of sugar coating going on...people try to comfort one another by saying "You have time" when really, people are blowing smoke!!
3 out of 4 women do NOT have concerns about being able to conceive. They believe they will have an average, or easier time becoming pregnant compared to most women." Yikes. But you know what - the stats are there. People clearly are not catching on that the FERTILE YEARS ARE IN YOUR EARLY TO MID TWENTIES. I don't think educating with facts is shaming. Since 3 out of 4 women don't know the facts, I say it's worth trying to educate people in a big way. Perhaps it can help change the script that we think and repeat to each other and grow up with...and perhaps that can lead to people re-thinking their life plans (at least among those who do desire to have children) and seeking partners who are on the same page.
LOVE LETTER: DEAR SOULMATE
On a bright Sunday morning I wake up and see your face.I feel a rush of happiness,And hope to see you...Anytime, anyplace.The day I get to see you and to be alone by your side Is a day I wish to save in time, For in you I want to confide.What I would do without you?I don't have the first clue.All I know is that without your embrace, without the eyes that light up your face,
Without your sweet smile and soft touch,I would die, I know that much.With the soft kiss on my lips and my breath chokes for that second -The second I wish to tell you how much I love you,And how much I want to you for the rest of my life and for the rest of time.I wonder if it was fate that brought us together, or if it was love that will bind us forever.They often say be careful what you wish for you just may get it. I' d wish time would stand still just so I could spend a moment with you and in the moment here what I'd do..I'd throw caution to the winds and sing songs to you, probably out of tune. I'd reveal all of my vulnerabilities without fear or manly pride. Tell me how I can reach your presence and tell you of this dream. If I could only tell you my deepest thoughts and feelings. If only, somehow, I could touch your face and stare into your eyes.Oh, to get lost in your eyes.I would have been to heaven and back.If once I could hear your voice which spoke to only me.Oh, if I could meet the one who has changed my life.As long as there are stars that sparkle like diamonds in the sky-my love will never end.As long as there are bees that buzz in the summer, my love will never end.As long as there are the sweet fragrances of flowers just after an early spring's rain, my love will never end.As long as the waves dance upon the see, my love will never end.Now as we walk hand in hand I know our love can never go wrong, That's why I know... this love will never end.
Ye, oh men of fancy, with all thy pride and vain.
Take heed the words or the soothsayer. They're really quite simple and plain.
There is none any wiser than I am. The future I know quite well.
If thou gaze upon her face, forever you're under her spell.
Oh, how her beauty stuns thee. Her eyes pierce thy mind.
Thy soul will ever be branded with her mark that once branded mine.
Ye men of fancy, pillars of pride, dare not cast thy eyes her way.
She'll steal thy heart with just one glance; forever thy heart will pay.
Thou'est better if born blind, a warlock takes thy sight.
For if thou look upon her face, you'll luve her with all thy might.
For I have lived thru all the ages, I'm the future, I count the hour.
I gazed upon her beauty once; my heart fell pray to her power.
Yet learn a lesson from me, ye men of fancy and vain.
I haved luved her since I saw her. In my heart she will ever reign.
Do not cast thy eyes upon her or she'll possess thy soul in time.
For I've been around from the beginning. Still she owns this heart of mine.
Without your sweet smile and soft touch,I would die, I know that much.With the soft kiss on my lips and my breath chokes for that second -The second I wish to tell you how much I love you,And how much I want to you for the rest of my life and for the rest of time.I wonder if it was fate that brought us together, or if it was love that will bind us forever.They often say be careful what you wish for you just may get it. I' d wish time would stand still just so I could spend a moment with you and in the moment here what I'd do..I'd throw caution to the winds and sing songs to you, probably out of tune. I'd reveal all of my vulnerabilities without fear or manly pride. Tell me how I can reach your presence and tell you of this dream. If I could only tell you my deepest thoughts and feelings. If only, somehow, I could touch your face and stare into your eyes.Oh, to get lost in your eyes.I would have been to heaven and back.If once I could hear your voice which spoke to only me.Oh, if I could meet the one who has changed my life.As long as there are stars that sparkle like diamonds in the sky-my love will never end.As long as there are bees that buzz in the summer, my love will never end.As long as there are the sweet fragrances of flowers just after an early spring's rain, my love will never end.As long as the waves dance upon the see, my love will never end.Now as we walk hand in hand I know our love can never go wrong, That's why I know... this love will never end.
Ye, oh men of fancy, with all thy pride and vain.
Take heed the words or the soothsayer. They're really quite simple and plain.
There is none any wiser than I am. The future I know quite well.
If thou gaze upon her face, forever you're under her spell.
Oh, how her beauty stuns thee. Her eyes pierce thy mind.
Thy soul will ever be branded with her mark that once branded mine.
Ye men of fancy, pillars of pride, dare not cast thy eyes her way.
She'll steal thy heart with just one glance; forever thy heart will pay.
Thou'est better if born blind, a warlock takes thy sight.
For if thou look upon her face, you'll luve her with all thy might.
For I have lived thru all the ages, I'm the future, I count the hour.
I gazed upon her beauty once; my heart fell pray to her power.
Yet learn a lesson from me, ye men of fancy and vain.
I haved luved her since I saw her. In my heart she will ever reign.
Do not cast thy eyes upon her or she'll possess thy soul in time.
For I've been around from the beginning. Still she owns this heart of mine.
PERSONAL/DATING/ LOVE: JUST PRESS SEND AND HOPE FOR THE BEST
So I have to admit I signed up for online dating with much grumbling at first. From a guy’s perspective, our pride constantly tells us that, “I am too good for this,” or “Signing up for a site is too desperate…she will come.” But after years of her not “just coming” I thought, “What could it hurt? Besides I won’t tell anyone I am on it.”
.
So I looked for the free ones because again, “paying for an online dating website was for losers.” I soon figured out that most of those were bombarded with profiles that were titled, “Just looking for some fun,” or “If you can have fun, then you can’t have nun” …just trashy girls really.
.
I’d like to believe myself to be a good guy; I have a good head on my shoulders, a career, a car, an house and I get along with people, I would like to humbly say I am good-looking, and good morals.
.
I will stand by view that the person you look for needs to be attractive both inside and out. You should never feel as if you settled, I don’t want a girl settling for me and I don’t want to feel as if I settled for some girl either. So being physically attractive was a priority on my list. And I would say that it is a priority for all guys. I don’t consider myself a “sexist pig” or a “horny” guy and people who know me would never give me those labels, however when looking for a girl, she first has to pass my physical attraction test.
.
The physical attraction test doesn’t really consist of anything really tedious or overly critical list, but I would say, it’s a list that everyone would consider the “must haves.”
.
The Must Haves: Physical
- must have a cute face/smile (If I potentially have to look at you everyday for the rest of my life since I essentially date to marry, then you better be cute to me. You don’t have to be drop dead gorgeous but you have to be cute enough.)
- must have good hygiene (This is typically found out on the date or in person. Bad breath, body odor, acne, crust in your eyes as if you just woke up…these are all pretty much deal breakers.)
.
That’s it physically! You don’t have to have this “supermodel body” and all that mumbo jumbo. The requirement for me is cute and well taken care of. Anything above that is a plus for me. I feel sorry for the guys who expect perfection and they themselves are far from it…I have a few friends like this…they are single haha.
.
The Must Haves: Personality:
- Must be kind
- Must not lie
- Must not be rude
- Must not be boring (In other words we know the very quiet people out there who really have no personality at all? That’s not my cup of tea! I want to be able to have a conversation with someone, not be the one doing all the talking. So someone with a little life, able to express their views, opinions, and interests.)
- Must have a sense of humor – (Please be able to laugh and joke about things, life,…whatever it may be. If you cannot take a joke or anything of that nature I wont bother with you.)
- Must be caring and loving
.
Everything else is pretty much an addition. Ultimately I am looking for a girl who I can share life with and we have some similar interests. In other words I probably wont date a girl who like to party and drink all the time .Anybody in their right mind would want to date someone with some similar interests…
.
Not long after I got a date. She lived about 30 minutes away from me so that was already a plus. Her pictures all passed my physical must have test, we shared some similar interests. All signs pointed to go. So I messaged her, which might I add is the hardest thing for guys. Why? Because we don’t know what to say? We typically stare at your profile for minutes trying to figure out how to not sound “cheesy.” Do we keep it short and just say, “Hi” or do we find something on your profile that stuck out to us and conjure up some way of adding it to the same ol “came across your profile and saw that you liked….” or “anyways just stopping by to say hi, hope to hear back from you.”
.
The truth is we have no clue. Woman these days have made it so hard for a guy to approach them with anything because everything to a woman seems like a “cheap line.” Or they just ignore or shrug you off. Especially here in New York; Seems like every girls requirement in is white boy, blond hair, washboard abs, a lot of money and a good car..oh yes..rich and tall..let's not forget that.. Then woman hope that there is at least some good qualities and personality traits that can come with the predetermined requirements. But anyways, back to what I was saying; We don’t know what to say. The truth is we are nervous and already feeling low for being on an actual website that we find something to say, and pray that it works as we quickly hit “send!”
.
So I looked for the free ones because again, “paying for an online dating website was for losers.” I soon figured out that most of those were bombarded with profiles that were titled, “Just looking for some fun,” or “If you can have fun, then you can’t have nun” …just trashy girls really.
.
I’d like to believe myself to be a good guy; I have a good head on my shoulders, a career, a car, an house and I get along with people, I would like to humbly say I am good-looking, and good morals.
.
I will stand by view that the person you look for needs to be attractive both inside and out. You should never feel as if you settled, I don’t want a girl settling for me and I don’t want to feel as if I settled for some girl either. So being physically attractive was a priority on my list. And I would say that it is a priority for all guys. I don’t consider myself a “sexist pig” or a “horny” guy and people who know me would never give me those labels, however when looking for a girl, she first has to pass my physical attraction test.
.
The physical attraction test doesn’t really consist of anything really tedious or overly critical list, but I would say, it’s a list that everyone would consider the “must haves.”
.
The Must Haves: Physical
- must have a cute face/smile (If I potentially have to look at you everyday for the rest of my life since I essentially date to marry, then you better be cute to me. You don’t have to be drop dead gorgeous but you have to be cute enough.)
- must have good hygiene (This is typically found out on the date or in person. Bad breath, body odor, acne, crust in your eyes as if you just woke up…these are all pretty much deal breakers.)
.
That’s it physically! You don’t have to have this “supermodel body” and all that mumbo jumbo. The requirement for me is cute and well taken care of. Anything above that is a plus for me. I feel sorry for the guys who expect perfection and they themselves are far from it…I have a few friends like this…they are single haha.
.
The Must Haves: Personality:
- Must be kind
- Must not lie
- Must not be rude
- Must not be boring (In other words we know the very quiet people out there who really have no personality at all? That’s not my cup of tea! I want to be able to have a conversation with someone, not be the one doing all the talking. So someone with a little life, able to express their views, opinions, and interests.)
- Must have a sense of humor – (Please be able to laugh and joke about things, life,…whatever it may be. If you cannot take a joke or anything of that nature I wont bother with you.)
- Must be caring and loving
.
Everything else is pretty much an addition. Ultimately I am looking for a girl who I can share life with and we have some similar interests. In other words I probably wont date a girl who like to party and drink all the time .Anybody in their right mind would want to date someone with some similar interests…
.
Not long after I got a date. She lived about 30 minutes away from me so that was already a plus. Her pictures all passed my physical must have test, we shared some similar interests. All signs pointed to go. So I messaged her, which might I add is the hardest thing for guys. Why? Because we don’t know what to say? We typically stare at your profile for minutes trying to figure out how to not sound “cheesy.” Do we keep it short and just say, “Hi” or do we find something on your profile that stuck out to us and conjure up some way of adding it to the same ol “came across your profile and saw that you liked….” or “anyways just stopping by to say hi, hope to hear back from you.”
.
The truth is we have no clue. Woman these days have made it so hard for a guy to approach them with anything because everything to a woman seems like a “cheap line.” Or they just ignore or shrug you off. Especially here in New York; Seems like every girls requirement in is white boy, blond hair, washboard abs, a lot of money and a good car..oh yes..rich and tall..let's not forget that.. Then woman hope that there is at least some good qualities and personality traits that can come with the predetermined requirements. But anyways, back to what I was saying; We don’t know what to say. The truth is we are nervous and already feeling low for being on an actual website that we find something to say, and pray that it works as we quickly hit “send!”
Monday, January 13, 2014
DATING/ LOVE/PERSONAL: WAKE UP WOMAN ON DATING SITES...
These dating site...are just crazy..... From my point of view most women on here are out of their damn mind. You people watched WAAAAAAAAAYYY too many Disney movies as a kid.
First off: This is a DATING website. NO MAN is interested in being your friend. At least not at first. If you think anything different you obviously have one of those brace faced, nice guys that come over to rub your feet and tell you how great you are. NEWS FLASH: That guy wants to do you too. He's just really patient. If a guy spends a day with you and you both, mutually, decide you're not into each other but have a lot in common, then you can be friends. This is the one and only exception to this rule.
Second: Expect forward emails and a lot of them. You are on here too. This means you accept that meeting people in public places is difficult now and your looking for a change. You're not gods gift to men even if you get 1000 emails in a day. My friend who into real estate told me this....right now there are very few properties on the market. Agents spam offers to dozens of brokers in hopes to get one accepted. This doesn't mean that there are as many buyers as there are offers. There may only be 1 buyer for every 10 offers placed in a day. In other words...you're getting 1 of 10, 20, maybe 100 emails that guy spammed out hoping to get his face in front of you. The typical email response is 4/10 according to OKCupid.com. Knowing what I know I'd say the actual date/email ratio has got to be 5/100 for the average guy.
Third: If your profile says "loves to travel" we know you are a gold digger. We're not going on a date that costs more than $20 for the first 3 dates. There's NO WAY I'm gonna pay for your meal and drinks so you can leave to fuck the guy you met last week you liked better.
Fourth: I don't care how hot you are. If you are boring and stupid you're going home. I know you spent the last 10 years of your life getting by on looks alone but we're grown ups now. Some of us actually care about politics, transforming tech, world issues, etc. Keep that in mind when you are crying yourself to sleep, lonely, wondering why there are no nice guys out there. Oh, there are plenty of them but Karma is coming back with a vengeance for all those years you put your high heels through their hearts.
To summarize: Take the time to complete the questions asks on those websites. They actually make a HUGE difference in your results. I've sent email to a few great girls on here in less then a week because I cared enough to read about them and make sure we were at least 75% compatible. It's like John Cusack said in High Fidelity, "It's the little things that matter, the music you like, the movies you watch, world views, etc." Like it or not, opposites DO NOT attract. You just put up with each others shit for the hot sex and flaming debate only to burn out in, what is usually, a huge mess of a fight.
First off: This is a DATING website. NO MAN is interested in being your friend. At least not at first. If you think anything different you obviously have one of those brace faced, nice guys that come over to rub your feet and tell you how great you are. NEWS FLASH: That guy wants to do you too. He's just really patient. If a guy spends a day with you and you both, mutually, decide you're not into each other but have a lot in common, then you can be friends. This is the one and only exception to this rule.
Second: Expect forward emails and a lot of them. You are on here too. This means you accept that meeting people in public places is difficult now and your looking for a change. You're not gods gift to men even if you get 1000 emails in a day. My friend who into real estate told me this....right now there are very few properties on the market. Agents spam offers to dozens of brokers in hopes to get one accepted. This doesn't mean that there are as many buyers as there are offers. There may only be 1 buyer for every 10 offers placed in a day. In other words...you're getting 1 of 10, 20, maybe 100 emails that guy spammed out hoping to get his face in front of you. The typical email response is 4/10 according to OKCupid.com. Knowing what I know I'd say the actual date/email ratio has got to be 5/100 for the average guy.
Third: If your profile says "loves to travel" we know you are a gold digger. We're not going on a date that costs more than $20 for the first 3 dates. There's NO WAY I'm gonna pay for your meal and drinks so you can leave to fuck the guy you met last week you liked better.
Fourth: I don't care how hot you are. If you are boring and stupid you're going home. I know you spent the last 10 years of your life getting by on looks alone but we're grown ups now. Some of us actually care about politics, transforming tech, world issues, etc. Keep that in mind when you are crying yourself to sleep, lonely, wondering why there are no nice guys out there. Oh, there are plenty of them but Karma is coming back with a vengeance for all those years you put your high heels through their hearts.
To summarize: Take the time to complete the questions asks on those websites. They actually make a HUGE difference in your results. I've sent email to a few great girls on here in less then a week because I cared enough to read about them and make sure we were at least 75% compatible. It's like John Cusack said in High Fidelity, "It's the little things that matter, the music you like, the movies you watch, world views, etc." Like it or not, opposites DO NOT attract. You just put up with each others shit for the hot sex and flaming debate only to burn out in, what is usually, a huge mess of a fight.
LOVE LETTER: DEAR SOULMATE
Dear Soulmate,
As the dewdrops reaches the tips of the green blades of grass and the sun is making its way in through the window's shallow blind. Can you feel me watching you in your peaceful slumber?As you stir and slowly, open your eyes to greet the day,and the warmth of your body uncovered as you rise. Can you see me so hungrily and wanting reaching out to you?And as you ready yourself in the approaching of the day's quest,Can you hear me whisper silently calling out your name?And as with the passing of time from daybreak to lost horizons Do you think of me as I do you with each and every heartbeat? For in the shadows somewhere between dawn's rising and summer sunset. You will find me waiting for your love back inside my naked darkness. Only to gently embrace my soul and feel my being in its entirety. Freeing all that was hidden in the corners of my universe. Then coming to realize just by looking into my solemn tear-filled eyes. Only to see what lies inside the captured mirrored images. That you became and will always forever be my life's breath
Fate...
The time and place where eternity
brings the love of a life time.
A place where all your thoughts and worries
disappear into the misty air.
Where your whole mind and body
feel a completness has rushed over
and made you into a whole person.
...Fate.
As the dewdrops reaches the tips of the green blades of grass and the sun is making its way in through the window's shallow blind. Can you feel me watching you in your peaceful slumber?As you stir and slowly, open your eyes to greet the day,and the warmth of your body uncovered as you rise. Can you see me so hungrily and wanting reaching out to you?And as you ready yourself in the approaching of the day's quest,Can you hear me whisper silently calling out your name?And as with the passing of time from daybreak to lost horizons Do you think of me as I do you with each and every heartbeat? For in the shadows somewhere between dawn's rising and summer sunset. You will find me waiting for your love back inside my naked darkness. Only to gently embrace my soul and feel my being in its entirety. Freeing all that was hidden in the corners of my universe. Then coming to realize just by looking into my solemn tear-filled eyes. Only to see what lies inside the captured mirrored images. That you became and will always forever be my life's breath
Fate...
The time and place where eternity
brings the love of a life time.
A place where all your thoughts and worries
disappear into the misty air.
Where your whole mind and body
feel a completness has rushed over
and made you into a whole person.
...Fate.
LOVE LETTER: DEAR SOULMATE
Dear Soulmate,
Alone at night I was walking along the shore.When in front of me appeared something so clean and pure.As the stars glistened above..the air lingered with the feeling of love.The waters caressed the sand flowing in and out. My heart wanting to scream, but not even a shout.It was you standing in front of me reaching out your hand as the water ran swiftly between our feet and the sand. I quickly grabbing for you, I fell upon my knees and looking around, alone, just me and the sea.Tears softly formed in my eyes. My heart let out a gentle cry. How hopeless finding you seemed, when finally awaking from my dream. I realized it was true.The one thing I may never hold is you. As swiftly as the water flows underneath my toes.May be the same swiftness you leave my life, for no one knows.But just holding you in my heart will keep me warm. Having you love me will shelter me from the storm. The gentleness of your touch can never be erased. For in my heart and mind your memory will be placed.So to, your love I will forever hold on...longing for the night the seas will whisper our song.
There is a tenderness that passes understanding. There is a delicacy that cannot be told, and a gentleness as exquisite as starlight.There is the sweetness of dew falling, and an incomparable softness at the core of heart.There is a silence deeper than eternity.There is belonging wider than the sky.Where can one go, having come to this shrine, finally, after so long upon the thoroughfares of doubt and dross, encumbered with dreams, after this embrace?
ARTICLE: NY TIMES The Vicious Circle of Income Inequality By ROBERT H. FRANK
The Vicious Circle of Income Inequality By ROBERT H. FRANK
Almost every culture has some variation on the saying, “rags to rags in three generations.” Whether it’s “clogs to clogs” or “rice paddy to rice paddy,” the message is essentially the same: Starting with nothing, the first generation builds a successful enterprise, which its profligate offspring then manage poorly, so that by the time the grandchildren take over, little value remains.
Much of society’s wealth is created by new enterprises, so the apparent implication of this folk wisdom is that economic inequality should be self-limiting. And for most of the early history of industrial society, it was.
But no longer. Inequality in the United States has been increasing sharply for more than four decades and shows no signs of retreat. In varying degrees, it’s been the same pattern in other countries.
The economy has been changing, and new forces are causing inequality to feed on itself.
One is that the higher incomes of top earners have been shifting consumer demand in favor of goods whose value stems from the talents of other top earners. Because the wealthy have just about every possession anyone might need, they tend to spend their extra income in pursuit of something special. And, often, what makes goods special today is that they’re produced by people or organizations whose talents can’t be duplicated easily.
Wealthy people don’t choose just any architects, artists, lawyers, plastic surgeons, heart specialists or cosmetic dentists. They seek out the best, and the most expensive, practitioners in each category. The information revolution has greatly increased their ability to find those practitioners and transact with them. So as the rich get richer, the talented people they patronize get richer, too. Their spending, in turn, increases the incomes of other elite practitioners, and so on.
More recently, rising inequality has had much impact on the political process. Greater income and wealth in the hands of top earners gives them greater access to legislators. And it confers more ability to influence public opinion through contributions to research organizations and political action committees. The results have included long-term reductions in income and estate taxes, as well as relaxed business regulation. Those changes, in turn, have caused further concentrations of income and wealth at the top, creating even more political influence.
By enabling the best performers in almost every arena to extend their reach, technology has also been a major driver of income inequality. The best athletes and musicians once entertained hundreds, sometimes thousands of people at one time, but they can now serve audiences of hundreds of millions. In other fields, it was once enough to be the best producer in a relatively small region. But because of falling transportation costs and trade barriers in the information economy, many fields are now dominated by only a handful of the best suppliers worldwide.
Income concentration has changed spending patterns in other ways that widen the income gap. The wealthy have been spending more on gifts, clothing, housing, celebrations and other things simply because they have more money. Their extra spending has shifted the frames of reference that shape demand by others just below them, so these less wealthy people have been spending more, and so on, all the way down the income ladder. But because incomes below the top have been stagnant, the resulting expenditure cascades have made it harder for middle- and low-income families to make ends meet. Despite taking on huge amounts of debt, they’ve been unable to keep pace with community standards. Interest payments impoverish them while enriching their wealthy creditors.
But perhaps the most important new feedback loop shows up in higher education. Tighter budgets in middle-class families make it harder for them to afford the special tutors and other environmental advantages that help more affluent students win admission to elite universities. Financial aid helps alleviate these problems, but the children of affluent families graduate debt-free and move quickly into top-paying jobs, while the children of other families face lesser job prospects and heavy loads of student debt. All too often, the less affluent experience the miracle of compound interest in reverse.
More than anything else, what’s transformed the “rags to rags in three generations” story is the reduced importance of inherited wealth relative to other forms of inherited advantage. Monetary bequests are far more easily squandered than early childhood advantage and elite educational credentials. As Americans, we once pointed with pride to our country’s high level of economic and social mobility, but we’ve now become one of the world’s most rigidly stratified industrial democracies.
Given the grave threats to the social order that extreme inequality has posed in other countries, it’s easy to see why the growing income gap is poised to become the signature political issue of 2014. Low- and middle-income Americans don’t appear to be on the threshold of revolt. But the middle-class squeeze continues to tighten, and it would be imprudent to consider ourselves immune. So if growing inequality has become a self-reinforcing process, we’ll want to think more creatively about public policies that might contain it.
In the meantime, the proportion of our citizens who never make it out of rags will continue to grow.
Almost every culture has some variation on the saying, “rags to rags in three generations.” Whether it’s “clogs to clogs” or “rice paddy to rice paddy,” the message is essentially the same: Starting with nothing, the first generation builds a successful enterprise, which its profligate offspring then manage poorly, so that by the time the grandchildren take over, little value remains.
Much of society’s wealth is created by new enterprises, so the apparent implication of this folk wisdom is that economic inequality should be self-limiting. And for most of the early history of industrial society, it was.
But no longer. Inequality in the United States has been increasing sharply for more than four decades and shows no signs of retreat. In varying degrees, it’s been the same pattern in other countries.
The economy has been changing, and new forces are causing inequality to feed on itself.
One is that the higher incomes of top earners have been shifting consumer demand in favor of goods whose value stems from the talents of other top earners. Because the wealthy have just about every possession anyone might need, they tend to spend their extra income in pursuit of something special. And, often, what makes goods special today is that they’re produced by people or organizations whose talents can’t be duplicated easily.
Wealthy people don’t choose just any architects, artists, lawyers, plastic surgeons, heart specialists or cosmetic dentists. They seek out the best, and the most expensive, practitioners in each category. The information revolution has greatly increased their ability to find those practitioners and transact with them. So as the rich get richer, the talented people they patronize get richer, too. Their spending, in turn, increases the incomes of other elite practitioners, and so on.
More recently, rising inequality has had much impact on the political process. Greater income and wealth in the hands of top earners gives them greater access to legislators. And it confers more ability to influence public opinion through contributions to research organizations and political action committees. The results have included long-term reductions in income and estate taxes, as well as relaxed business regulation. Those changes, in turn, have caused further concentrations of income and wealth at the top, creating even more political influence.
By enabling the best performers in almost every arena to extend their reach, technology has also been a major driver of income inequality. The best athletes and musicians once entertained hundreds, sometimes thousands of people at one time, but they can now serve audiences of hundreds of millions. In other fields, it was once enough to be the best producer in a relatively small region. But because of falling transportation costs and trade barriers in the information economy, many fields are now dominated by only a handful of the best suppliers worldwide.
Income concentration has changed spending patterns in other ways that widen the income gap. The wealthy have been spending more on gifts, clothing, housing, celebrations and other things simply because they have more money. Their extra spending has shifted the frames of reference that shape demand by others just below them, so these less wealthy people have been spending more, and so on, all the way down the income ladder. But because incomes below the top have been stagnant, the resulting expenditure cascades have made it harder for middle- and low-income families to make ends meet. Despite taking on huge amounts of debt, they’ve been unable to keep pace with community standards. Interest payments impoverish them while enriching their wealthy creditors.
But perhaps the most important new feedback loop shows up in higher education. Tighter budgets in middle-class families make it harder for them to afford the special tutors and other environmental advantages that help more affluent students win admission to elite universities. Financial aid helps alleviate these problems, but the children of affluent families graduate debt-free and move quickly into top-paying jobs, while the children of other families face lesser job prospects and heavy loads of student debt. All too often, the less affluent experience the miracle of compound interest in reverse.
More than anything else, what’s transformed the “rags to rags in three generations” story is the reduced importance of inherited wealth relative to other forms of inherited advantage. Monetary bequests are far more easily squandered than early childhood advantage and elite educational credentials. As Americans, we once pointed with pride to our country’s high level of economic and social mobility, but we’ve now become one of the world’s most rigidly stratified industrial democracies.
Given the grave threats to the social order that extreme inequality has posed in other countries, it’s easy to see why the growing income gap is poised to become the signature political issue of 2014. Low- and middle-income Americans don’t appear to be on the threshold of revolt. But the middle-class squeeze continues to tighten, and it would be imprudent to consider ourselves immune. So if growing inequality has become a self-reinforcing process, we’ll want to think more creatively about public policies that might contain it.
In the meantime, the proportion of our citizens who never make it out of rags will continue to grow.
ARTICLE: WALL STREET JOURNAL How Nobel-Winning Economic Theories Can Help Your Online Dating ByPaul Oyer
How Nobel-Winning Economic Theories Can Help Your Online Dating
ByPaul Oyer
You surely have days (or at least did when you were single) when you wonder how you will ever find the right life partner. Invariably, you come back to the same old realization: “I need the advice of an economist. An economist would know how to solve my problem!”
No? Not familiar? Well maybe you should give it a try. The dating world is a market and markets are what economists know best. When I recently began dating again and went searching for a new partner online, I saw firsthand that understanding economics can give you a leg up.
So I’m happy to share four ideas that were so insightful in the world of economics that they won Nobel Prizes – and how you can apply them to find the perfect mate online. In a nutshell, my advice is to go big, beware the assumptions that will be made about you, put your money where your mouth is, and settle.
Step 1, Picking a Site: Go Big
Pick a big dating online site. Or, in economic-speak, go to a “thick market.”
Potential life partners are like any other “differentiated good”: No two are alike. If you were to rank everyone on a given dating site in terms of how perfect a match they are for you, you are likely to find more people who are better matches if there are more people to choose from. It’s that simple (though actually making markets thick can be very complicated, which led to Al Roth’s 2012 Nobel Prize).
Drawing a parallel to the job market, consider an engineer looking for a position in St. Louis versus one looking in San Jose. There are lots of great jobs for engineers in St. Louis. But there are so many more engineering jobs in San Jose that a given engineer will, on average, find a job that better fits her skills in San Jose than in St. Louis. By the same token, you are more likely to find a partner to your liking on a large site such as Match.com or eHarmony than you are on a smaller site like Veggiedate.com or LargeandLovelyDate.com.
Step 2, Creating an Online Profile: Be Careful What You Say – People Make Assumptions
When I first posted my online dating profile, I listed myself as “separated” because my divorce was not final. While I thought “separated” meant “ready to move on happily to the next relationship,” I was told by many women that “separated” also suggests “emotional wreck still really bitter over recently failed marriage” or, worse yet, “testing the waters but may end up going back to my spouse.” This might explain why the response rate to my initial messages to women was not exactly overwhelming.
George Akerlof won the Nobel Prize in 2001 for explaining my problem. “Adverse selection” suggests that you should beware of hidden information. Akerlof described this in the context of selling a used car. He pointed out that people assume your car is a lemon unless there is a way to prove otherwise. People assumed that I, like so many separated men, was not emotionally ready to move on – that is, I was a relationship lemon.
So be careful what you say about yourself because people make assumptions. If you are in your forties and have never been married, people will assume you cannot maintain a long-term relationship. If you admit you like Nascar, people may assume you are a redneck. Your idiosyncrasies will be cute to your significant other someday, but they are negative stereotypes to people who don’t know you yet.
Step 3, Meeting in Person: Burn Money on Your First Date
I hate to shatter your illusions but online dating profiles are full of exaggerations and lies. Objective data show that men lie on dating sites about their income and their height while women under-report their age and weight. Anecdotally, I can tell you that many women whose profiles promise they are fun, optimistic, and “athletic and toned” are either liars or delusional. (As to what they might say about the accuracy of my own profile, I can only speculate.)
What does that have to do with economics? Economists think lying, or “cheap talk,” is just a rational way to influence others. Smart consumersshould discount people’s statements on dating profiles because we all feel some pressure to be less than truthful ourselves.
A few dating sites abroad have started verifying information about height, income, and other objective claims. But what can you do if you can’t use such a site? What you ideally want to do is prove that you are rich (or whatever characteristic you want to highlight) by incurring some cost that those who do not have that trait would not be willing to incur. This idea of “signaling” won Michael Spence the Nobel Prize in 2001, though he focused on the higher education market rather than the world of romance.
A great example of effective signaling can be found in the movie “The Dark Knight.” The Joker burns a big pile of money to prove to his co-conspirators that his goals are broader than just making money. So, if you want to prove you really are rich, you could burn a big pile of money on the first date. Ironically, to an economist, the crazy actions of a maniacal and evil movie character seem like a great way to impress a date. But even economists understand there are social norms and that the money bonfire may not be effective. So you may want to use more conventional methods like wearing expensive clothes, picking up the check, tipping well, and not keeping the receipt.
Step 4, Choosing a Partner: Settle
I tricked you. I told you that I was going to help you find the perfect mate. But there is no perfect mate and, even if there is, you will never find that person.
Once you accept that, you can apply the ideas in “search theory” that won economists Dale Mortensen and Christopher Pissarides a Nobel Prize in 2010. Basically, they analyzed the economic consequences and trade-offs that people face regularly when deciding whether to accept the best option available or to keep looking. In the online dating world, this means that looking at another profile may unveil someone who will make you happier than anyone you know. When you think of it that way, you almost feel a responsibility to look at another profile. How can you sit here reading this column when the very next profile you look at could be the best match for you? But we all know that logic doesn’t work—we don’t spend an unlimited amount of time looking for “the one” because we also want to eat, earn money, and watch “Homeland” (well, we used to).
Settle. There, I said it. You don’t want to admit it. You love your mate and think he or she is the greatest. Or, if you are still looking, you are hoping you will find someone “perfect.” But, at some point, you should say to yourself (though I don’t recommend you say this out loud), “My partner is truly wonderful. If I kept looking, I could probably do better. But I have to earn a living, make dinner, walk the dog, and do a bunch of other stuff. So I’m going to settle for this person and move on with life. It could certainly be a lot worse.” An economist would say that, by doing so, you maximize your expected utility.
What happens to people who search too much – who can’t settle? Mortensen and Pissarides show that picky firms and overly choosy job seekers contribute to unemployment. When it comes to life partners, settling for someone really good is better than waiting for someone who is perfect and potentially being “romantically unemployed” for the rest of your life.
We economists have even more great dating advice to offer but let’s leave it there for now. The key is that dating is a market and you have to be in the market to succeed in the market. It worked for me. Through online dating, I found a wonderful and sweet girlfriend. So get out there and remember – go big, watch what you say, put your money where your mouth is, and then settle for less than perfection.
ByPaul Oyer
You surely have days (or at least did when you were single) when you wonder how you will ever find the right life partner. Invariably, you come back to the same old realization: “I need the advice of an economist. An economist would know how to solve my problem!”
No? Not familiar? Well maybe you should give it a try. The dating world is a market and markets are what economists know best. When I recently began dating again and went searching for a new partner online, I saw firsthand that understanding economics can give you a leg up.
So I’m happy to share four ideas that were so insightful in the world of economics that they won Nobel Prizes – and how you can apply them to find the perfect mate online. In a nutshell, my advice is to go big, beware the assumptions that will be made about you, put your money where your mouth is, and settle.
Step 1, Picking a Site: Go Big
Pick a big dating online site. Or, in economic-speak, go to a “thick market.”
Potential life partners are like any other “differentiated good”: No two are alike. If you were to rank everyone on a given dating site in terms of how perfect a match they are for you, you are likely to find more people who are better matches if there are more people to choose from. It’s that simple (though actually making markets thick can be very complicated, which led to Al Roth’s 2012 Nobel Prize).
Drawing a parallel to the job market, consider an engineer looking for a position in St. Louis versus one looking in San Jose. There are lots of great jobs for engineers in St. Louis. But there are so many more engineering jobs in San Jose that a given engineer will, on average, find a job that better fits her skills in San Jose than in St. Louis. By the same token, you are more likely to find a partner to your liking on a large site such as Match.com or eHarmony than you are on a smaller site like Veggiedate.com or LargeandLovelyDate.com.
Step 2, Creating an Online Profile: Be Careful What You Say – People Make Assumptions
When I first posted my online dating profile, I listed myself as “separated” because my divorce was not final. While I thought “separated” meant “ready to move on happily to the next relationship,” I was told by many women that “separated” also suggests “emotional wreck still really bitter over recently failed marriage” or, worse yet, “testing the waters but may end up going back to my spouse.” This might explain why the response rate to my initial messages to women was not exactly overwhelming.
George Akerlof won the Nobel Prize in 2001 for explaining my problem. “Adverse selection” suggests that you should beware of hidden information. Akerlof described this in the context of selling a used car. He pointed out that people assume your car is a lemon unless there is a way to prove otherwise. People assumed that I, like so many separated men, was not emotionally ready to move on – that is, I was a relationship lemon.
So be careful what you say about yourself because people make assumptions. If you are in your forties and have never been married, people will assume you cannot maintain a long-term relationship. If you admit you like Nascar, people may assume you are a redneck. Your idiosyncrasies will be cute to your significant other someday, but they are negative stereotypes to people who don’t know you yet.
Step 3, Meeting in Person: Burn Money on Your First Date
I hate to shatter your illusions but online dating profiles are full of exaggerations and lies. Objective data show that men lie on dating sites about their income and their height while women under-report their age and weight. Anecdotally, I can tell you that many women whose profiles promise they are fun, optimistic, and “athletic and toned” are either liars or delusional. (As to what they might say about the accuracy of my own profile, I can only speculate.)
What does that have to do with economics? Economists think lying, or “cheap talk,” is just a rational way to influence others. Smart consumersshould discount people’s statements on dating profiles because we all feel some pressure to be less than truthful ourselves.
A few dating sites abroad have started verifying information about height, income, and other objective claims. But what can you do if you can’t use such a site? What you ideally want to do is prove that you are rich (or whatever characteristic you want to highlight) by incurring some cost that those who do not have that trait would not be willing to incur. This idea of “signaling” won Michael Spence the Nobel Prize in 2001, though he focused on the higher education market rather than the world of romance.
A great example of effective signaling can be found in the movie “The Dark Knight.” The Joker burns a big pile of money to prove to his co-conspirators that his goals are broader than just making money. So, if you want to prove you really are rich, you could burn a big pile of money on the first date. Ironically, to an economist, the crazy actions of a maniacal and evil movie character seem like a great way to impress a date. But even economists understand there are social norms and that the money bonfire may not be effective. So you may want to use more conventional methods like wearing expensive clothes, picking up the check, tipping well, and not keeping the receipt.
Step 4, Choosing a Partner: Settle
I tricked you. I told you that I was going to help you find the perfect mate. But there is no perfect mate and, even if there is, you will never find that person.
Once you accept that, you can apply the ideas in “search theory” that won economists Dale Mortensen and Christopher Pissarides a Nobel Prize in 2010. Basically, they analyzed the economic consequences and trade-offs that people face regularly when deciding whether to accept the best option available or to keep looking. In the online dating world, this means that looking at another profile may unveil someone who will make you happier than anyone you know. When you think of it that way, you almost feel a responsibility to look at another profile. How can you sit here reading this column when the very next profile you look at could be the best match for you? But we all know that logic doesn’t work—we don’t spend an unlimited amount of time looking for “the one” because we also want to eat, earn money, and watch “Homeland” (well, we used to).
Settle. There, I said it. You don’t want to admit it. You love your mate and think he or she is the greatest. Or, if you are still looking, you are hoping you will find someone “perfect.” But, at some point, you should say to yourself (though I don’t recommend you say this out loud), “My partner is truly wonderful. If I kept looking, I could probably do better. But I have to earn a living, make dinner, walk the dog, and do a bunch of other stuff. So I’m going to settle for this person and move on with life. It could certainly be a lot worse.” An economist would say that, by doing so, you maximize your expected utility.
What happens to people who search too much – who can’t settle? Mortensen and Pissarides show that picky firms and overly choosy job seekers contribute to unemployment. When it comes to life partners, settling for someone really good is better than waiting for someone who is perfect and potentially being “romantically unemployed” for the rest of your life.
We economists have even more great dating advice to offer but let’s leave it there for now. The key is that dating is a market and you have to be in the market to succeed in the market. It worked for me. Through online dating, I found a wonderful and sweet girlfriend. So get out there and remember – go big, watch what you say, put your money where your mouth is, and then settle for less than perfection.
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