JOURNAL: MY MOM SOLD HER HOUSE

It almost a year and half since my dad passed away. The house has been in the market for a few months now.  We got our highest offer today and the house is now off the market. In one hand I am happy and in the other hand..i am so sad. The house that has all my childhood memories will be gone. The memories of my family will vanish. My heart is broken today. I am very sad. 90 days from now ...will be our last day

JOURNAL: REMEMBERING MY FIRST LOVE

I remember the first time I fell in love. I held her hand in mine with not an interest to let go. I floated along lighter than I've ever felt. I kissed her hand as if she were my princess. There was a heart full of love and it was all for her. Every flower, every song, every cloud, every sunshine, every raindrop was a gift from heaven. For this angel had come to take my love. For the first time I felt love...

I would tell her all the time...."sometimes I have the strangest feeling about you. Especially when you are near me as you are now. It feels as though I had a string tied here under my left rib where my heart is, tightly knotted to you in a similar fashion. And when you go to with all that distance between us, I am afraid that this cord will be snapped, and I shall bleed inward " and she would laugh. I could not tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second or third or fourth. But I remember the first moment I looked at you walking toward me and realized that somehow the rest of the world seemed to vanish when I was with you  

To me, she seemed so beautiful, so seductive, so different from ordinary people, that I could not understand why no one was as disturbed as I was  by the clicking of her heels on the paving stones, why no one else's heart was wild with the breeze stirred by the sighs of her veils, why everyone did not go mad with the movements of her braid, the flight of her hands, the gold of her laughter. I did  not missed a single one of her gestures, not one of the indications of her character

JOURNAL: YOU CAN'T BE FRIEND WITH PEOPLE YOU SLEEP WITH

There are certain things about myself that I’ve had to come to grips with when it comes to relationships.While I can get down with some coitus, I tend to lean pretty heavily toward monogamy;

I have never understood people who can be friends with their exes. Every time a relationship ends, I go scorched earth. I put them in my phone as “DO NOT ANSWER.” I delete everything. You want a lesson in erasing history? Email me

It’s not for lack of trying. Some of my past ex, wanted to be friends once we put the final nail in the coffin that was holding our failed relationship. And I tried. Honestly, I did. We even met for dinner and attempted to exchange pleasantries over tacos. But the conversation eventually turned to the issues in our relationship

 I have a hard time letting go. One of my biggest downfalls is my intense desire to make other people happy and to fix things. So I tend to hang on to relationships far beyond their expiration point. Every time a relationship ends, I go scorched earth.

This tendency to hang onto failing relationships is, as far as I can tell, the biggest reason why I have a hard time transitioning into friendship post-breakup — and knowing when to cut ties is definitely something I’ve been working on. When I was younger, I held on because I didn’t want to be alone. But now that I no longer fear my single status the way I fear grim death, letting go has become easier.

That said, I’m not shifting the blame entirely on myself — when someone treats you as poorly as some of my exes have, you don’t owe them friendship. I’m just acknowledging my role in the dynamic so that I can hopefully learn from these situations and grow. And who knows? Maybe if I had exited these relationships sooner, I still wouldn’t have wanted to be friends with these people.

If I’m being honest with myself, I don’t think being friends with an ex will ever work for me. I know that lots of people are able to do this, and it sounds really great. But I just can’t get comfortable with the idea of being 100% friends with someone who’s  I been have been inside of(that’s an honor literally none of my other friends hold). My friendships are very different from my romantic relationships; they come with less emotional baggage and have a strong foundation of trust and mutual respect (also there’s the part about not having to be inside of them). 

So, for the time being, once the dust from a breakup settles, you’ll find me sitting in bed watching movies and eating I’ve found that it’s the best way for me to cope with the trauma of breakups. Perhaps one day I’ll meet someone I’m willing to maintain a friendship with. 

JOURNAL: BREAKING DOWN MY WALLS

There was always a problem with every relationship: The girl couldn't commit; she has problem with having a stable job, she was trying to "find herself"; not giving enough, not sexual enough—the list went on and on. Obviously, I was picking the "wrong" people, whether or not I was conscious of it. I remember endlessly complaining about dating to my friends.

Of course, the problem was not with the woman—it was with me and my beliefs about relationships. It wasn’t until I realized this that I could begin examining these thoughts and how they were holding me back.

If I was "myself" around a girl I liked, I would be rejected. My fear of rejection during my 20s was so acute that I never knew how to be my warm and engaging self around woman. Whenever I was around someone I liked, I immediately became guarded, cold, and withdrawn. It was totally unconscious. In fact, I was really friendly and open but found out from friends that the opposite is what came across in my interactions. I wanted people to see me as strong and independent. Anything to avoid seeming lonely or needy. But the truth was that I was pushing down my real self—funny, chatty, warm, somewhat neurotic (but somewhat charming) self. My fear was shutting me down. I knew I was afraid of rejection—but there was more. Was I not good enough, special enough, handsome enough,  rich enough, smart enough? Deep down I knew that these worries weren’t in line with reality. I began to examine this belief and slowly started to see another possibility. What I realized was that I was attracted to people who were critical, standoffish, and uncomfortable with themselves. But when I let go of my anxiety, I started seeing attractive qualities in different kinds of people.

If I let a woman know I liked her, she would be turned off. Growing up, I’d always believed that woman  liked men who were "hard to get." Bad Boys. The converse also seemed true: If I were to let a girl  know I liked her, she would think I was lonely, needy, and desperate—which is often how I felt inside. In order to keep myself from revealing insecurities, I played the role of a 100-percent independent man—always busy with work and other plans. The problem was that I was so successful at playing this role that I actually came across as disinterested (I later learned). I never thought about what insecurities anyone else would have because I was so caught up in my own fears.

If I saw qualities I didn't like in someone, then it would be a deal-breaker. I couldn't seem to find anyone who didn't have a few qualities that turned me off. Some of the things I judged so harshly now sound superficial and ridiculous: I hated her glasses; her job was boring; I never laughed at her jokes; I thought her apartment was ugly. These judgments aren’t terrible in and of themselves—but I always took them to be significant, and unforgivable. I knew I was being unreasonable and even felt embarrassed about how crazy-judgmental I was about such small details. That is, until I realized why I was thinking this way. My judgments had become another unconscious tool I had devised to protect me from getting involved with someone. My negative beliefs became my invisible armor. When I eventually realized that these thoughts were trying to keep me safe from vulnerability, they became less powerful.

If I didn't meet someone who had all of the qualities I wanted, I'd be settling. I always had fantasies about the Perfect Person I wanted to meet, have a relationship with, and eventually marry. Weirdly, I always dreamed of finding someone who shared everything in common with me, thinking that the more similar we were, the better our relationship would be. I wanted to meet someone who'd grown up the same way I had, who was about the same age as I was, and who shared all of my interests. I thought this was the meaning of a compatible and long-lasting relationship. Of course, this belief limited the pool of people I could pick from; I was excluding most of the population because of fear—I was trying to keep myself safe. So in order to open myself up to a loving relationship, I had to loosen up my criteria and surprise myself with the types of people I could open up to. This enabled me to connect with my fears and start to change my thoughts.

If I let a girl know I wanted to get married and have kids within a year, she would run away. Like many people, I always (incorrectly) believed that ALLwomen were turned off by commitment. So I consistently pretended: I always presented myself as someone who just wanted a casual relationship, nothing too serious. Yet deep down, I was hoping to find someone who wanted to share their life with me and start a family. My fear of acknowledging and showing "my truth" made me live according to false desires and needs. Eventually, I realized that I was the one afraid of commitment and had to admit that to myself. Instead of exploring the scary reality of my actual desires, I made myself shut down.

I had been protecting myself from my big fears—being in a relationship, having my partner reject me, and ending up alone. So instead of risking that, I relied on my thoughts to keep me from getting involved in a relationship at all. When I finally realized that my fears would actually keep me stuck where I was—alone and fearful—I began to question my thoughts and found evidence to disprove them. I began to take risks, let my guard down, and act like the "real me" even though it was scary at times.

JOURNAL: ROUGH COUPLE OF WEEKS

It's been a rough couple of weeks. Father day came and went, and I miss my dad so much. Just the other day, I found some of his old medicines in the draw. I still can't take a look at his picture still. I see him every weekend  and talk to him.

My ear got better, Thank you God and ...thank you Dad.

I am getting wood install in the house next week. And getting my A/C fixed as well....I hope. This month is so expensive....but I don't care. One thing I learned about being ill, you don't sweat the small stuff anymore.

My mom house is on the market.We had a couple of bids.

Oh, and getting dental work done again.

I am just tired...always doing something. I miss the good old days, when my Dad was alive, when I actually had time to rest.

JOURNAL: TODAY MARKS THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY SINCE MY DAD PASSED AWAY

I hate this day. It's been one year since my Dad passed away. I still remember kissing his head before leaving and telling him I loved him

This past year has been very difficult for me. It doesn’t seem to be getting easier. I had expected it would. I thought time heals. It hasn’t; at least not yet.  I miss him more than I could ever describe. I’ve probably already said this in a previous post: it feels like I have a phantom limb. It feels like a part of me has been amputated but the rest of my body will not acknowledge its absence. I know he’s there. I just know it. But then I look for him and he’s gone. It’s a horrible horrible feeling. 

I’ve learned a deeper compassion for people in pain.
I’ve learned how much you can hurt and still hold it together on the surface.
I’ve learned that old memories returning are like surprise packages from Heaven.
I’ve learned that death will challenge your faith in ways you never imagined.
I’ve learned that you’d gladly trade everything you own for thirty more seconds with them.
I’ve learned to resent strangers who have their fathers and grandfathers, and no empty chairs at the holidays.
I’ve learned that on some days, though not suicidal, you’ll wish you could die just to see them again.
I’ve learned that even though good people try to help, you ultimately have to grieve alone.
I’ve learned that no matter how old you are you never stop needing your Daddy.
I’ve learned the horrible accuracy of all those clichés about how we never have enough time with people we love, about how there are no ordinary days, and about the paper-thin fragility of life.
I’ve learned that death just sucks, and that any other spin on it is just a valiant but failing effort to make lemonade out of some really bitter fruit.

But mostly I’ve learned just how big a hole someone can leave in your life; how massive a gap there is when they’re gone, and how we all fill that space for someone.

I LOVE YOU DAD

JOURNAL: A UPDATE ON MY EAR.

It 3 weeks since the tubes where take out. I still have the echo and pressure difference...it is better..but still there.  I developed an atrocious low frequency humming / vibration sounds in my right ear.  The only things I can attempt to compare it to would be the sound when you are inside a building and someone drives by with very loud bass in their car.  Or, I could sometimes describe it as a car running off in the distance, or someone strumming a low frequency note on a bass guitar.  It's devastating affect on my mood and sleep.  A low-frequency loud roaring sound. the noise feels like it has a throbbing pulse

low-pitched vibrating type of sound,I find that it increases when I lie on my bed - especially when I put my ears against my pillow. This makes sleeping really uncomfortable and makes me really anxious and self-aware the whole night, and I am really distressed by it. Has anyone suffered from the same thing? Does anyone have any advice?

One way I would describe it is perhaps machinery running continuously in the distance, or the rumble of a loud car exhausted in the street. I can almost 'feel' the sound in my head, its so unnerving at times especially at the moment as its been pretty bad for a few days now. I also find that sometimes it can just go away, often for a few days and then it will be back. I simply cannot understand it,

PLEASE GOD..LET MY EAR GO BACK TO NORMAL....PLEASE

JOURNAL: I HAD A TYMPANOSTOMY - A TUBE IN MY RIGHT EAR DONE.

JOURNAL: I HAD A TYMPANOSTOMY - A TUBE IN MY RIGHT EAR DONE.


So about two weeks ago, I went to my fourth ENT doctor. She is telling me that I don't have Meniere's Dx.  It is either:

1- Eustachian tube Dysfunction which ear tube would solve the problem 75% of the time.

A tympanostomy tube (also known as a grommet, T-tube, ear tube, pressure equalization tube, vent, PE tube or myringotomy tube) is a small tube inserted into the eardrum in order to keep the middle ear aerated for a prolonged period of time, and to prevent the accumulation of fluid in the middle ear.

2-Otic Migraine: is also know as Vestibular migraine. According to the Johns' Hopkins Medicine guide "Vestibular Migraine," conditions which may be confused with otic migraines include a series of small strokes, Meniere's Disease. The triggers for the otic migraine are largely food related. Red wine and dried fruit with sulfites are major migraine triggers. Foods with large amounts of caffeine such as coffee and soda must be avoided, as well as monosodium glutamate (MSG), a common component in Chinese food. Otic migraines can also be caused by too much salt in the diet, low blood sugar or a lack of sleep

I am now on a Migraine diet to avoid trigger that cause my attack

3-TMJ ( temporomandibular joint  syndrome) I will need to get a face massage done.



I got the tympanostomy done and it was hell.  The results were disastrous. I immediately had a major reduction in my ability to hear. Bass sounds were gone and low level ambient sounds were also gone. In fact my ears felt more plugged than ever and everything sounded like I was under water. Having conversations was a chore as people had to repeat themselves to me. My own voice sounded like I was hearing myself with a bad cold and not like it was coming in through the air. .Sounds like I'm underwater. When I speak, I can only hear my voice in my head, as it does when you put your fingers in both ears to speak. I cannot hear my voice 'from the outside'. Feels like my right ear is completely plugged! Everything was muffled

I waited two week and had them removed. Now it will take another few weeks for the hole in the ear to close and I am still having the same sensation. It like having a perforated ear. If i knew it was going to be like this. I wouldn't have done it. The ENT didn't tell me it was going to be like this and was telling me she does this to 6 years old all the time.

JOURNAL: GOOD BYE 2016 YOU WERE THE WORSE YEAR OF MY LIFE

I am so happy this year is over. It has been the worse in my entire life:

-Lost my Dad in May
-Developing Menier's Dx  R ear
-Car problem
-Home repair
-Dental work

JOURNAL: ATYPICAL MENIERE'S DISEASE.AND THE TREATMENT PLAN

Since a few days when my dad passed away.  I suddenly developed a sensation of fullness in my R ear and ringing. ( low pitched roaring sound).Nothing that preceded it as far as I can tell. No colds or infections or anything. There was no vertigo. I am able to pop my ears, but there is no relief. My hearing doesn't seem to be affected, although the sound of my own voice has a strange echoquality to it on that side of my head. Even my own voice sounds muffled. It's autophony (the loud, echoey hearing yourself speak). It feels like when you go to a concert or when you go on a airplane. I could hear myself talking or hear an echo. Outside noise is amplified and it would make me hear drumming sound in my ear. Insomnia because of ear.

 

I began to develop a real sensitivity to sharp loud noises, crowds, restaurants, dishes clanking, etc. I also noticed that any kind of pressure applied to the ear canal or pushing in the ear canal with my finger resulted in a very odd feeling along with occasional sharp pain deep within the ear I know when it is coming now because i would feel 'flutter' like having an insect in the ear, or give a feeling of drawing the eardrum inwards (which it does!)

 

I have tired:

-Ginkgo biloba, Vit E, warm compression on the ear, sleep on the L ear. Lipo Flavonoid Plus or

lemon Bioflavonoid

-I have placed myself on a low salt diet.

-MRI normal

-Blood work Normal

-Hearing test is normal

-Had two dose of prednisone

 

I  went to 3 ENT and the Dx: Meniere's Disease

 

The last ENT is also a Neurotology is a branch of clinical medicine which studies and treats

 

I was given a  diuretic which helped me for 2 weeks.

 

DDX:

1-cochlear hydrops

 

2-perilymph fistula (PLF) or Tonic Tensor Tympani syndrome or Superior canal dehiscence

PulsatileTensor Tympani syndrome. . A small muscle in the middle ear is attached to the eardrum via the malleus bone. The muscle contracts normally if the face is touched, or air is blown on the eyeball. It seems to be equivalent to the blink reflex for the eye, but now no longer useful as a protective reflex for the ear. The appendix is an example of another body part that has lost its use due to time passing. Nevertheless the muscle often does contract if we are tense and reactive

 

3-Tinnitus is also known as Vascular Tinnitus.

 

TREATMENT:

 

1-Get those tubes open again. You need to open your Eustachian tubes as often as you can to get air into the middle ear cavity and also allow excess mucus to find it's way out. When you achieve this you will hear and feel them pop or crack (this is good!) You can do this by swallowing hard or falsely yawning, pushing your jaw forward hard. Use the 'Valsalva movement', which is done by pinching your nose and blowing quite hard with your mouth closed, filling your cheeks until both tubes pop open. It can take a while, but keep going. Hold them open for a few seconds, release and then swallow. Do this 4 or 5 times a day at least. You might think this is not working, but keep at it as the ET's need to be retrained to open up again.

 

2- Antiinflamatories.I believe that these drugs can help. A common cause of the ET not working is inflammation in or around the ET's and by reducing this you can help things to get back to normal. It's worth a try, but keep going as it can take days to take effect. Be careful about the maximum period to take these, however complete a full course before stopping unless you need to stop.

 

3-Chew gum . Do this as much as you can and preferably use a menthol gum. The chewing

action will help the tubes to open naturally and the menthol will assist as well. Again, don't just use a packet and think that's rubbish! Keep going for weeks and don't stop until you are sure it is doing nothing which could be sometime.

 

4-Use steam and lots of it. Using steam will help to free up mucus and open the tubes up. Do this as often as you can. If you have access to a steam room, then use this and sit in there for an hour. If you don't like most people go and use a free trial at a health club telling them that you might join and use theirs! Using Olbas Oil with a nasal steamer is very good. A facial sauna machine is a good substitute as this will keep the steam hot for longer than a normal fill inhaler. This is a good one to consider HERE Whilst breathing in, open the ET's by yawning. Using abowl with a towel over your head is OK as well but it cools quite quickly.

 

5-Heatpad . Use a hot water bottle wrapped in a thin towel and hold it tight against your ear as hot as you can stand it. The heat will radiate through to the middle ear and will help to free up that stubborn mucus. Try this for at least 2 weeks.

 

6-Nasal sprays. These can be useful to start to free up the sinuses and ET's. Saline spray is safe and some say quite effective. Others include decongestant and steroid sprays, however take care not to over use these as this can cause a reboundaffect and end up prolonging the problem and not helping it. In other words your tubes get so dry that they will not be allowed to function and more mucus is produced to deal with that problem.

 

7-Sleep upright. Don't lay flat because the fluid will shift into places that will not help. Prop

yourself as high as you can, which will naturally allow the fluid to drain. The problem ear should be upper most in my experience, but please try either way and compare if there is any difference for

you.

 

8-Use a distraction to relieve the tinnitu s (Noise Therapy) If you need to spend the night sat in front of the TV to drop off to sleep then do whatever it takes. Relaxing music through headphones or a pillow speaker can work, as can 'white noise' which can cancel out the ringing or loud hissing sounds often suffered with this. You can download these files or purchase them. Experiment with various tones as some will work and others will not.

 

9-Avoid alcohol and caffeine . These are stimulants and will enhance any tinnitus that you have. The temptation may be to lose yourself with drink. This will not be productive. Now is a good time to try herbal and green teas. Drink other hot fluids such as diluted fruit juices with honey which can act as natural decongestants and help with keeping your body hydrated.

 

10-Excess salt in your diet can aggravate this condition many believe and has been directly linked with tinnitus. I am fairly convinced that excess salt enhances my 'T' although I cant be 100%.

 

11-Oral decongestants you decide? The jury is out on these. Some advice will say use them. My doctor said treatments such as Sudafed are a complete waste of time to deal with this. Yes they may dry up mucus but don't forget that we actually want this stuff to clear by running out, not drying to hard deposits in the ear. This can cause the ear to produce yet more mucus to shift the dried up deposits in what is referred to as a 'rebound affect'. I did use them initially, however I will not the next time if this comes back as I am convinced that prolonged use of these did me more harm than good. Piriton I found very good at drying up the mucus, however this caused my ear to block again and also caused the tinnitus to worsen.

 

12-Nasal irrigation Many will suggest this as being helpful. The Neti Pot is the most popular. I used the SinusRinse system by Neilmed which is easier than a Netipot and did seem to help. I would say for a small outlay it is worth a try, particularly if your sinuses are blocked as well.

 

13-Look after yourself. Eat well and ensure you are getting what you need to stay strong. High dose vitamin C is viewed by many as good to help battle this. Dairy food is thought by many to be one of the biggest causes of excess mucus. Little evidence exists to say that it is that I can find, but for me avoiding this when your body is trying to shift it is probably a sensible sacrifice to make. Certain food groups are thought to be inflammatory which may be triggering this problem. Look at these foods and restrict inflammatory foods. Fresh garlic, ginger and fresh pineapple are excellent natural decongestants. Gentle exercise may help, particularly in the fresh air, but avoid strenuous aerobic activity as again this creates more of the stuff you are trying to shift. Keep well hydrated by drinking you daily consumption.

 

14-Clean Air. I noticed that going out in the fresh air would often help relieve symptoms, so you might conclude that being able to live indoors and particularly sleep with clean air free of dust and other allergens may help you deal with this. I obtained an air purifier Ioniser which I left on before before going to bed and kept running through the night. The air certainly felt fresher and with the added bonus that the fan noise would take my mind off the tinnitus

 

15-Thinkpositive. It is very easy at 3am with no sleep and an ear that feels like it's going to

explode, to feel that the world is ending and that you will be cursed with this forever. You must keep positive and believe in yourself that will eventually go. Virtually all cases of this will clear up, unless you have a rare complication which will not allow this. If you have this for a prolonged period, you must pester your doctor and demand to see a specialist. This is because he/she is the only person to see if there is an underlying cause which needs other measures. Medical interventions are limited to solve this and the exact causes of this illness are still unknown.

 

16-Intra-Tympanic Steroid Injection

So after everything,my doctor gave me a steroid injection in the ear. So far so good. I will keep you up to day

JOURNAL: WHAT MY SISTER SAID IN THE MEMORIAL OF MY FATHER DEATH

 

I would like to start with a poem. M.D. doesn’t stand for medical doctor, its stands for MY Daddy.

 

My Daddy, M.D.

 

 Whenever daddy signs his name he always writes M.D

 

So people always knew he belonged to me

 

For M.D. Means My Daddy or something just the same

 

And that is why he always puts those letters in his name

 

Some letters in his name are small, But these are not, you see

 

He always makes them big like that, Because he's proud of me.

 

I was also very proud of him.

 

 

 

I was proud of how he came from Iran to live in New York, where he used to call the capital of the world. I was proud of how he made a great life for himself, married to my wonderful caring mom and had 3 children who all became doctors. I was also so proud and happy that for over 15 years he has been retired and had a chance to enjoy every aspect of his life. I am proud that 18 years ago he made the pilgrimage to Mecca.. I was also proud of his confidence, He was always a positive person. He thought he was the smartest and best looking man in the room, and he was.

 

I was proud that even with that strong personality, he was a good man with a good heart. He was down to earth and a nice person who went out of his way to help family, friends and even patients. He loved being a doctor, was hard working, and a perfectionist, he loved to "calac". One of his greatest passions was , and we used to kid around that this was his 4th child. His friends and other classmates were like family for him.

 

He also had his vices, he loved gambling and playing poker with friends, and loved driving, although his sense of direction wasn't so good. I was also proud of him when 3 years ago when he had a horrible fall at a friends house. With 7 rib fractures he drove 2 hours from New Jersey to our home. As many of you know he suffered many complications intubated 3 times, had a tracheotomy and feeding tube and his condition was extremely unstable and tenuous. But My father was a fighter and his strength and recovery during that time gave me hope that anything in this world was possible…

 

All I can say is that he loved life, and loved living. But that illness did take a toll on his body and soul. And I knew that if he would have another major illness in the future, his recovery would not be guaranteed. During that hospitalization 3 years..one of those long days..he came and whispered to me.. ..When will I go to "heaven"…And I said , it's not your time. God would not let you suffer these 3 months for you not to survive. You will survive and get better, and live a fulfilling life

 

And he did and we went on to go to Florida, 3 Cruises, Countless restaurants...We as a family enjoyed life with him. During this hospitalization he was sick with pneumonia. Eventually that infection took a toll on his heart and the rest of his body.. Again he came as whispered to me . I don’t call you here to fix my bed, and pillow, I want you here to protect me..The truth is If love could have saved him, he would have lived forever..

  

And I answered him,God will protect you.. And God did protect him... He passed away suddenly very quickly and was not in pain.. He lived a full life, full of good times and happiness.. God did not let him suffer and live life in a debilitated way which would have been struggle for someone with a strong personality like him.. Till the very end he was doing what he loved Going to  new year party in march, eating out in restaurants every week, watching movies with the family..Even on the day he passed, he was the BOSS, giving my mom the list to shop for at the supermarket, and discussing with the doctors his medical treatments 15 minutes before he suffered cardiac arrest..

  

 

He died on his own terms...WE WILL MISS YOU AND LOVE YOU ALWAYS..you will always be in our heart..You are in heaven now..

 

Thank you again for coming.

 

MY DAD PASSED AWAY

 

My dad passed away almost 2 months ago. He died suddenly  the only people in my life who had passed away that I felt remotely close to were my two grandparents, and uncle While I, of course, cared about all of these men and was incredibly sadden by each of their passings, the loss of a parent digs in much deeper, stings much sharper, and alters your world in unimaginable ways. My experience will be much different from others who have had to endure the same heart wrenching experience, but here are a few things I've learned so far about myself and others from encountering my father's death

  

Grief is not a perfect, linear process. After the first few days of barely sleeping or eating and bursting into tears at the slightest remembrance, I asked myself, "When does this end? When can I feel okay again?" I fooled myself into thinking that if I went through the steps, if I followed the stages, I would come out on the other end as a whole, smiling, fatherless guy. Yes, my dad died, but my future is bright! Instead, everyday is different. Somedays, I'm happy and productive and I think about my dad with a smile on my face. Other days, I wake up from having a dream about my dad and sulk all day. Somedays, I'm moody as hell. Other days, I nearly forget that my father died at all. Somedays, I'm angry that people who  still have their fathers. Other days, I silently cry at my desk at work while I hear a coworker talk to his father on the phone. Yes, I cry less and generally feel better about the whole thing than I did during month 1, but it's not a perfect, logical, point A to point B progression. It comes in waves; sometimes with tsunami-like force, but usually more like the daily tides.

 

 

Life does not stop. While asking myself when the painful grieving process will be over, I also asked myself when I could do normal things again. I thought that I could compartmentalize the grief. If I kept it in its own box, it wouldn't bleed over into the rest of my life and so, when I returned to the rest of my life, it would be exactly the same as it was before. When and only when I stopped crying all.the.time., I could then resume my life. While people are generally sympathetic to your loss, your bills still need to be paid, your friends still want to see you, your bathroom is only getting grosser, and the days keep flying by. If you wait until you feel 100% back to normal, you will sit out the rest of your life. Once I realized that I needed to create a new normal instead of wait for my old normal to return (which it never will), I placed pieces of my life back. I started reading again. I watched a movie. I started introducing my routines back into my life. I allowed myself to date again. Life stops for no one, no matter how much pain you may be in, no matter how much you wished you could stop time so you wouldn't have to live your life without your dad to share it with. Life goes on.

  

You learn who your true friends are. After being woken up by the phone call from my sister  telling me that my dad was having problem breathing,and when we got to the hospital and finding out he passed away.I shouted repeated and pathetic "no," after the uncontrollable crying and shaking, after the shouting of the repeated and pathetic "why," after the dumbstruck silence and emotional exhaustion,

 

  

No one can say anything to make you feel better. My first reaction to people telling me they were sorry for my loss was to say, "It's okay." My second reaction was, "I hope you never experience this." My loss was not okay and almost everyone will have to deal with losing a parent at some point in their lives- what silly things to think. I guess in some weird, backwards way, I was trying to make them feel better for feeling bad. Finally, I came to terms with just replying with a simple thank you. I realized that my friends were at a loss for what to say because they have no idea what it is like to lose a parent. Even hearing stories about your dad or hearing how much he talked about you to other people aren't very comforting because you can't help saying to yourself, "That's nice, but it would be way nicer to have my dad alive and still creating stories and talking up his children." Despite the nonexistence of the right words, someone ignoring the fact that your dad is dead is way worse than them saying something that does not provide comfort. Sharing memories, asking questions, letting the griever grieve allows the parent to live on in the only way he or she can now.

 

  

Mourning hangs on you like a shadow during your day to day movements. You don't have to talk about it or even spill tears to feel it. It's just there and can fill a room if you let it. My father will not be there for many of the milestones, I just don't think anyone can really understand this.

 

 Paperwork and possessions. In the midst of trying to mourn my dad's death, my sisters and I have had to deal with an enormous amount of paperwork. Death is a very messy business. We've had to go through my dad's possessions, trying to decide what to keep, what to toss, what to give away, what to sell. We have to remember to pay his bills on top of our own bills .

 

 

You learn you're not the only one who thinks your dad was awesome. You also learn how much your dad would not shut up about you. Countless strangers have told me, "Your dad loved you very, very much. He was so proud of you." The stories we heard and continue to hear about my dad have confirmed what I've known all along: my dad was one of a kind. He will be missed by many, many people.

JOURNAL: MEMORIAL WE HAD FOR MY DAD

Before I begin I would like to thank all of you for your efforts to be here today, to help us mark my father's passing. Each of you here had your own relationship with my Dad, each of you has your own set of memories. 

 

I can't believe it's been over 40 days since my father passed away. At times it feels like it was yesterday and at other times it feels like it was long ago. While my mind know this, my hearts can’t  accept it.  When someone close to you dies, your world can feel suddenly different and unknown. It’s hard to watch the world keep going on for everyone else when your life has such a hole in it. You still have to work, drive, eat…., but nothing is really the same. Everything else seems so small and so trivial.

  

Not a day passes by without something or someone reminding me of him. Whether it is the empty spot in a chair in the living room or kitchen I  miss him in every way.

 

When I told my medical assistant Rose  about my dad. She also knew my dad and who also lost her own dad 5 years ago. She told me about a quote that helped her. It from  Dr. Seuss. He said “ Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”

  

The translation mean:: Don’t cry about death, smile about life. 

 

When we think of someone that isn’t there anymore, you have the choice to remember that person is no longer here, and be sad, or to remember the good times, and be happy. And while it might not be an easy choice, it is a choice,

  

We are here today not to be sad about my dad, but to Celebrate his life.

 

 

To celebrate his gigantic smile and the way he filled any room.

 

To celebrate his passions for food

 

To celebrate his passion for medicine and helping people

 

To celebrate his passion for his family

 

To celebrate his positiveness

 

 

 

I have struggled to find the right words, the right stories that would speak truly of my father...But there are simply too many. He had a rich life… a giving life and life that I admired even to his last breath.

 

My father was more than a Dad to me. He was my best friend. I confided in him with everything and about anything. He loved so many people, places and things, but nothing so much as my mother.

  

What my dad gave to the world was his big, generous personality.  He devoted himself to his friends and family as fully as he did everything else.  

 

  

The world is filled with sons who never heard their father say “I love you,” and who wonder throughout their lives whether they were loved, Not me. The last few years before I would leave my parent’s house. My dad would up from his chair and we would hug and kiss and say “I love you” to each other. 

 

I realized that my father will never truly be gone. He is still here with me in spirit. My father taught me how to love  — he sacrificed his life for our family, and he will live on through me. His legacy will continue through my work, and because of him I will know how to love my family — the way he loved us. He was and always will be my motivation to fight through struggles, work hard, be a fighter, and to always be positive. Death is always a challenge for everyone.  It tells us not to waste time... It tells us to tell each other right now that we love each other. Don’t be sad because my dad is gone , smile because you knew him..

 

My memories have become my heartbeats – which means I am thinking of him all the time just to stay alive.

  

We will miss you and always love you.

 

JOURNAL: I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE

I’ve been dating for so long and going through the same motions, the same conversations, the same disappointments, the same coffee drinks, the same everything that I forgot what it was like to have fun. And frankly, to go after what I wanted. When I was young, I would have never put up with a woman who didn’t call me back or a someone who forgot something important in my life. I wouldn’t have settled for some mediocre date because I had endless hope and trust that I’d one day meet a pretty stellar woman, so why would I put up with a childish woman.? How is it, that I have I wasted so much time worrying when, how and where I was going to meet my partner instead of enjoying the ride? Why did I care if it didn’t work out with some girl. Instead of worrying if I was ‘running out of time’ or if I was ‘going to be alone forever’—I’ve stopped caring.  By letting go of the anxiety that’s been in my gut for the past decade, I’ve opened myself up to something healthier… peace. I feel free to explore, free of my own self-imposed deadlines on love, free to live life, spend money, take trips, go out or binge-watch… however and whenever I want. If that means meeting someone along the way, then great. If not, then I’ll just have to trust—like I did when I was younger—that it’ll work itself out.Now, just because I don’t care as much, doesn’t mean my intentions have changed. I still really (truly, madly, deeply) want to share my life with someone, and while I can’t make it happen, I also can’t worry about it. If it’s going to happen, it will. I can’t speed it up or slow it down or develop an ulcer in the process. And maybe more importantly—I have to (and want to) be happy in the meantime. I’ve never let any woman control my happiness level, so why am I allowing my imaginary future wife take the reigns on my dimples? I’m not. Because ya know what? I don’t give a care anymore. And it’s the best decision I’ve made about my dating life in a very, very long time.

JOURNAL: I AM NOT ENOUGH....

When you have low self-esteem, when you follow the path of your choices and actions and your thinking and beliefs behind it and get right down to the starting point, it likely says ‘I don’t believe I’m good enough’.

In feeling this way, you just can’t believe that you’re a person of value, that you’re worthy of a better relationship, that you deserve to have your boundaries respected or to be able to vocalise your concerns or opinions.

When you don’t have good self-esteem it’s because in having conditional love for yourself, you try to get people (and sometimes objects and substances) to create feelings in you that you don’t feel yourself. You make external sources the solution to your internal problems, after all, if you don’t like and love you, why would you believe that you could entrust yourself with the responsibility of you?

If the only thing you’ve ever known is to not feel good enough, it’s hard to imagine even an entire day where you can genuinely like and love you. You’d be subconsciously waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You’re seeing other people’s actions (or lack there of) and your experiences as being directly linked to your worth.

Low self-esteem is like a special language and in your mental translation book, when you look up what certain things mean, you keep getting back the same meaning:


Not interested in me = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

Won’t leave their partner = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

Won’t change into the person I want = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

Wants to do things differently to me = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

Won’t develop empathy = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

Does something that annoys me (and possibly others) = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

Relationship didn’t work out = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

Can only get it up to porn = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

Has different values = Something wrong with me = I’m not good enough

You get the idea.

And maybe that’s the crux of the matter: When you have low self-esteem, you see your experiences and the world around you as an extension of how you feel about you.People do what they do, not because they’re independent individual entities, but because of something in you that brings about their actions and thinking, and life happens, shit happens even, not because there are a gazillion other reasons or factors that could have brought it about, but because of something in you.

I’m fundamentally the same person and while I have good self-esteem, I still have to actively work on managing the little boy within me

JOURNAL: ROLLER COASTER RELATIONSHIP

Years back, I promised myself that I would never, ever chase after another woman again. I understand that in our society, it’s customary for the man to seek out and court the woman. Likewise, it’s customary for the man to be persistent while the woman is expected to play it cool and brush the man off for a period of time — playing the lady card, or hard-to-get card. Sure, we don’t see much of this these days, thanks to all the twerking Mileys of our generation, but nevertheless, when a man is really interested in a woman, the fact remains that he will chase after her.

Real men know what they want and will go after it until they get it. The problem with this is that most men don’t actually know what they want and if they do, falling for a woman turns the majority of them into lovesick puppies — very hungry, lovesick puppies. If a man doesn’t get what he wants, he’ll only want it more. This turns into an obsession and all such obsessions end badly.

Back when I was still a teenager, I met a girl — so begins every hopeless love story. The more I got to know her, the more I liked her. The more I liked her, the more I wanted to spend time with her. Unfortunately, she didn’t feel the same way about me. She was going through a rough patch in her life, and because I have a thing for damaged goods (they make me feel less crazy), the rough patch was especially rough.

She didn’t want me in her life; she wanted her independence. She had her heart broken once again, and this time around, the last thing she wanted in her life was another man. The problem was, the sex was incredible. It was so good that although she didn’t want to date me, she couldn’t let me go, either. In the meantime, I had managed to fall for her. And so began my obsession and a chase that lasted nearly two years.

I am going to save all the gloriously awful and painful details — “emotional roller-coaster” is an understatement — but my unhealthy obsession, and unwillingness not to get what I want, eventually broke down the barriers she had put up. She fell for me and I had won my prize. Now, here’s the thing: While love isn’t always felt intensely, obsession is.

Obsession, once it grabs onto you, won’t let you go. It’s filled with elongated moments of intense feeling and emotion. Thoughts of what or whom you’re obsessing over fill your mind like a dark cloud and you’re unable to distract yourself for long periods of time. You wake up thinking of her, you think of her the whole day, you go to bed thinking of her and you dream of her. But once you actually “get” her, your mind no longer has a need to think of her constantly; you have her and are now fulfilling that mental stimulation by spending much more time with her.

The intense feelings inevitably subside and you are left feeling… normal. Let me tell you, after obsessing for a long period of time, normal no longer feels normal. You begin to miss those intense emotions brought on obsession once they subside. Even worse, if you’re inexperienced, as I was, you mistake your obsession for love.

What makes regular obsessions profoundly intense obsessions is love itself; it underlies the obsession and fuels it. Not all obsessions are this soul-wrenching, but if they’re combined with love, they’re nearly unbearable. When the obsession is removed, you fall into a sort of withdrawal. Obsessions like these really are a sort of addiction. When the obsession leaves you, you’re left feeling incomplete.

Here comes the sad part. Although you know that you love her, you don’t feel that you love her. Because the beginning of your relationship was so intense, it set the bar ridiculously high. Now, everything that you feel falls short and you can’t seem to convince yourself that you are, for certain, with the right person. As human beings, we experience things comparatively: Great experiences are only great if they seem great in comparison to other experiences.

You’re still convinced that the way love is supposed to feel is the way you felt during all that time you were chasing the girl. You masked your obsession as being true love and are now unable to redefine true love — at least in regards to this specific person. The relationship is ruined. You’ll never be able to build the relationship you need because your obsession rotted away at the foundation.

Chasing love never works unless it is for a very short period of time. The problem is, once you start chasing, you begin to enjoy the chase, so you chase for a bit longer. Then, it turns into an even longer lasting chase, which inevitably turns into an obsession. If you want to turn your whole world upside down, go ahead and obsess; it’s sure to change you at a deep level. The only upside of all the pain and stress is that you will come out of it as a better person. You might come out wiser and better off than when you first started chasing, but it isn’t guaranteed that you’ll come out at of the dark tunnel at all.

The disillusionment of such obsession more often than not leaves victims depressed. Falling into a depression is much easier than climbing out of one and not all of us are able to manage the task. Obsessions are the leading cause of suicides. Clearly they aren’t all related to the chasing of women, but they are obsessions that fade and disappear, leaving the person lost and confused.

Obsessions substitute our purpose. When the obsession is lost, our purpose in life is lost with it. The only solution is finding a better purpose.

JOURNAL

Is it a risk to love? What if it doesn't work out? Ah...but what if it does?

JOURNAL

It's been a tough week. The medical center that I work in started a new EMR...EPIC. I was trained during the summer, but still it's a big change in writing your notes. I did very well.

I got my new property tax bill for this 2015. I got a big reduction. I am so happy.

My sister is getting surgery done tomorrow. I took the day off to take her to the hospital.

JOURNAL: SOMETIMES IT'S GREAT TO BE SINGLE.

1. A weekend in which you have no plans, no responsibilities, and nowhere at all to be, ranks as one of the best weekends you’ll ever have.

2. Sometimes friends will try to make plans with you and you have no reason to decline except for the fact that you just want to be alone that day. (Your plan is to have no plans, people need to understand that by now, right?)

3. A good album, book, or television show can keep your attention far longer than any party, club, or bar could.

4. Going away to a remote cabin in the middle of the woods to just exist for a period of time sounds like the best idea for a vacation that you can think of.

5. There is nothing more exciting than planning a long, solo road trip, because you know you’re going to be able to think your thoughts, listen to your music, and play your audiobooks for hours and hours on end. Is there anything better?

6. When people say they can’t eat alone at a restaurant, you’re like, really? That’s one of life’s simple pleasures! Food? Good. A book? Good. No conversation whatsoever? Perfect.

7. The worst trait any potential lover could have is “clingy.” You need your space like you need air to breathe. It’s essential. If they need to be around you all the time? Dealbreaker.

8. Even if you are attached, you carve out hours of alone time just to keep your sanity (and to keep your relationship healthy and happy, too).

9. The only person you’d ever consider marrying would be someone that also loves spending time alone, otherwise that thing’s never going to last.

10. If anyone that knew you were to describe you, one of the words they’d use emphatically to do so is: independent.

11. Your intuition is on point because you spend an insane amount of time alone and cultivating it.

12. While people around you hate being single, you consider it such a joy to be able to be at the whim of your aloneness and this feeling is especially better if you live alone, because you have so much time to do all your little things that you do when nobody is around.

13. You’re always working on a project –usually something artistic– and you start to get antsy if you haven’t been able to work on it for a few days.

14. When you do hang out with people, you prefer seeing them one on one or in a small group. The more intimate and deep the conversation, the better.

15. You are an observer –watching and studying people’s behavior– and, funny enough, are usually quite well-liked, which can serve to be a problem considering how much time you want to spend by yourself.

16. A full day by yourself makes you feel more you than anything at all.

17. You tend to enjoy cold, rainy weather, as it gives you even more of an excuse to hibernate in your home and read, sit by the fire, think, curl up, write in your journal.

18. If you are not thinking about life’s big questions, you must be dead.

19. Because you put a premium on spending time alone, you are more present and attentive when you do spend time with people, because you don’t feel as though you’re missing out on time by yourself.

20. You would much rather go on a hike or go to the beach by yourself than with anyone, which isn’t to say you dislike going with people, it’s just a more engaging experience when you do it alone.

21. Sure, it’s fun to drink wine with friends, but having a bottle of wine to yourself at the end of a long day? 100% perfect paradise heaven.

22. Traveling to a new place by yourself (even if the new place is only ten miles away) is your idea of a great time. You are always either planning a solo adventure, going on a solo adventure, or coming back from one. Experiencing the world through your own eyes without anybody else’s opinion is not just a desire, it’s an essential need of yours.

23. There is absolutely nothing that can touch the feeling of when someone cancels plans on you and you are suddenly left with surprise alone time. You’re all, “Oh good, more time to be with me!” and it’s truly an untouchable feeling of happiness

JOURNAL

I put in the change of hours again yesterday. Cutting 3 hours from my schedule so far. This new management is taking control of my schedule and putting in whoever they want ...something about open access.

I really don't care if I am losing money. I am trying to find balance in my life. I am not going to kill myself for a company that doesn't listen to me