JOURNAL: I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE

I’ve been dating for so long and going through the same motions, the same conversations, the same disappointments, the same coffee drinks, the same everything that I forgot what it was like to have fun. And frankly, to go after what I wanted. When I was young, I would have never put up with a woman who didn’t call me back or a someone who forgot something important in my life. I wouldn’t have settled for some mediocre date because I had endless hope and trust that I’d one day meet a pretty stellar woman, so why would I put up with a childish woman.? How is it, that I have I wasted so much time worrying when, how and where I was going to meet my partner instead of enjoying the ride? Why did I care if it didn’t work out with some girl. Instead of worrying if I was ‘running out of time’ or if I was ‘going to be alone forever’—I’ve stopped caring.  By letting go of the anxiety that’s been in my gut for the past decade, I’ve opened myself up to something healthier… peace. I feel free to explore, free of my own self-imposed deadlines on love, free to live life, spend money, take trips, go out or binge-watch… however and whenever I want. If that means meeting someone along the way, then great. If not, then I’ll just have to trust—like I did when I was younger—that it’ll work itself out.Now, just because I don’t care as much, doesn’t mean my intentions have changed. I still really (truly, madly, deeply) want to share my life with someone, and while I can’t make it happen, I also can’t worry about it. If it’s going to happen, it will. I can’t speed it up or slow it down or develop an ulcer in the process. And maybe more importantly—I have to (and want to) be happy in the meantime. I’ve never let any woman control my happiness level, so why am I allowing my imaginary future wife take the reigns on my dimples? I’m not. Because ya know what? I don’t give a care anymore. And it’s the best decision I’ve made about my dating life in a very, very long time.