JOURNAL/PERSONAL: BIRTHDAY COMING UP..WHAT IS MEANT TO BE....WILL BE

My birthday is coming up and all I keep thinking is ..another year wasted.I haven't formed a family of my own. My motto in life has always been, “what is meant to be, will be”. Thoughts of being a dad and living life with a little hand in mine seemed within my reach. Then, almost as quickly as the dream appeared, it was gone and I was back to being my same old self.

I need to think of what the real driving force behind my “tick, tock” is and I have to learn not to dwell on what is not “meant to be”.Deep down I know i have a burning desire to have a child.What gets me most is my Mom. I can hear my Mom’s voice inside my head; “When are you going to give me a grandchild?”; “Well, I guess my end of the family line is going to end with you.”; and my favourite, “It hurts me to think of you being alone when I’m gone.” My heart strings tug to the point of near breaking. However they don’t break because for me, providing a child so that my mother can have a grandchild or having one to ensure that I am not alone or so that I stay young at heart are not good enough reasons to have a child. Maybe I’m just afraid of getting old?

Having a child is a huge responsibility – one that if I were meant to carry out I would handle with the utmost care. It’s also something I think I would feel a deep need for within my soul. When I see Dads with their child(ren), playing games or doing everyday Father/child things – I  feel envious. In those moments I think how nice, The time when it's the stronger is when I think for a moment on what might have been. Every once and a while though, when I see a father and child together-What would life be like had my own. Only time will tell.My mind, at times, is a mess on this subject. Every time I come back to the same conclusion – “What is meant to be, will be.”