LOVE: THE BUYER AND SELLER OF LOVE

Why cannot women and men find each other even if they are so eager for each other's companionship? That is so because they make a search based on different criteria as they pursue the different goals in their eagerness. Moreover, this eagerness for each other is not unconditionally friendly and resembles people's behavior on a market. Seller and buyer are eager to find each other and strike a deal as well, but each of them tries his or her best to get the maximum profit from the deal, frequently without any consideration of another party's possible losses. Nature, alas, is devoid of sentiments... The principle of gender separation assumes that the small group of males fertilizes the disproportionately large share of females forcing the major part of male population to pose themselves as hopeless bachelors. Such strategy allows to quickly adopt new and useful features and properties in descendants and saves females from reproduction of useless genes.
To achieve this, males and females should have significantly different behavior while searching for their nuptial partners. Every male should be eager to change females as often as possible, considering himself as the carrier of uniquely useful genes. Let's imagine that one man somehow has a gene with immunity, let's say, to AIDS. It is extremely necessary to spread this gene among the population! But he is, such a scoundrel, faithful to one woman only. How many children can be born by one female? OK, 10, maximum 20 and according to the genetic rules only half of them will inherit this gene. This is a crime in face of the species! However, if one tried to behave like a sultan, he can father possibly 1000 or even up to 2000 children. This is something ... Therefore public opinion treats male infidelity pretty repressively as it is not without a reason. This is an instinctive program and so to say, it is very sane from the biological point of view. Male should not confine his sexual expansion. There are females for this. Thus, the instinctive goal of male conjugal behavior is More female's bodies, pretty and different. And what if a female has such a unique gene? What should her behavior be in order not to sink this gene into oblivion, but rather transfer it to the future generations? In general, it is also possible to increase the number of children but ... Will the frequent changing of the males help a woman to increase the number of children? Absolutely not, but this could significantly lower the quality of children! That's why public opinion treats women's infidelity with much louder condemnation. A woman unscrupulous in her sexual partners does not take care of her future children! If a man transferring his genes fathered a child with an unsuitable woman, he did not lose anything. He can repeat the same literally the very next day with a better woman, it found. But a woman conceived from an unsuitable man cannot correct her fault so soon (nature does not know abortion). Moreover, the number of such trials is very limited in general. To fix her genes in descendants more reliably, a woman should strengthen the severity of selection for the candidates, in order not to mix her own, supposedly unique genes with any other male genes deemed unfit. However, she should be attractive to all men in order to have a possibility to choose from. The more men are attracted to her the wider the choice that she has. The ideal case is to make all men fall in love with her, but admit only one, or maybe, none at all. The copulation itself is an almost incidental side effect of the seduction process. So, the instinctive goal of female conjugal behavior is more man's hearts, nice and different. After a man's heart is captured, a woman can lose any active interest in him, just continue keeping him for her collection, meanwhile seducing the others. It is necessary to make a point that only the base of the differences of conjugal strategy is described here. Below we will look at instinctive factors which fill this base with specific content.

Such exclusively important for all animate world process as reproduction could not be left without the control of the instincts. Correspondingly, love, as the strongest feeling, is a voice of the same primeval instinct that forces to prefer the best being of another sex for mating. And what are the criteria of this preference? It is unnecessary to prove that these criteria are kept unchanged since primeval-herd times when all the instincts were formed. It is possible to say that during its formation the instincts "took a photo" of the situation existed at that moment and keep verifying with this "picture" for as long as the species exist. Thus, the instincts allow choosing a perfect partner from the primeval point of view. The simplest and the most demonstrative attribute of such superiority in primeval hierarchy is a high rank. Though it is very obvious that rank, strictly speaking, is more of visually superficial indicator of preference but it is almost impossible to imagine anything better in unwise nature. External attractiveness (beauty) is less reliable in this sense. In general, the number of couplations is the simplest and clearest quantitative index of a male's rank in hierarchy. For females this correlation is very weak and, perhaps, inverse. It is customary to think that alpha simply takes away a female from beta (gamma...) just as food, however, the rules of behavior in a hierarchy are obeyed by all the members of a group including females. That means there is not needed to take female away in most cases. She herself, complying with an internal instinctive program, prefers high-ranking male. Not in vain, speaking about ideal groom, women mention word "prince". Real prince is not a plebian job and usually he is a real candidate to become king.
It is important to emphasize that the high rank of a male does not give a GUARANTEE of access to the certain female, but it is a weighty factor raising PROBABILITY of this event. A correlational factor between sexual attractiveness of male and his rank is different among the species, and substantially non-linear. Males of the first several ranks of hierarchy can be almost indistinguishable by their sexual attractiveness for females. Therefore dominant males must fend away sub-dominant males from females. However, beginning approximately from the middle of hierarchy and below sexual attractiveness of males decreases so much that dominant can afford not to worry. It is highly probable that such male will not be admitted by females themselves.

Whom do men love? A Princess is not necessarily required. Men's instinctive criteria of preference are simpler and radically different from women's ones. The main woman's qualities attracting men are the newness, availability and physical perfection. Of course, if all these qualities are combined in one woman then her attractiveness will be the highest and such woman will be the center of men's attention in the first place but only until either gaining access to her body or making sure of no chances to get it. However, this is correct only in respect of women as sexual partners. Men choose wives by rational judgement (only those who have choice and enough brain). The sensational criteria of men's preference of women are much fuzzier due to the higher diversity of men (and hence, their tastes) and less desperate necessity to make a choice. A male does not have to choose a females since he needs them all without any distinction. But women's rank, having big importance in relations between women, is relatively less important for a man. For sure, high ranking woman can turn men's heads more quickly but modest and shy (low ranking) wives were valued at all times. It is well-known that women much more often than men fall in love with their chiefs, bosses, tutors, and etc. whose high visual rank is manifested by their position and partially age. If high rank is a key to women's hearts for a man ensuring his freedom of choice but for a woman her high rank is a source of problems with men. Average-ranking men are not acceptable for her neither sexually nor platonically (not to mention low-ranking ones) but high-ranking men are very scares and most of them are easy-riders. And if they are not easy-riders then they are hopelessly engaged and not free. Low-ranking woman as every woman preferring "alpha" is still open-minded toward "omega". In some circumstances she can forgive a man his low rank and therefore his other strengths get the chance to be appreciated.

The heart wants something that is justly rejected by the mind and the wishes of the mind do not satisfy the heart. Indeed, such qualities as kindness, decency, honesty, respect, tactfulness, clear conscience are considered to be the attributes of well-educated, polite, honest man and a good husband, but at the same time from the primeval point of view these are the attributes of low rank in the hierarchy!!!


It has been proven that any woman can be physiologically satisfied by any man (if we don't take into account medical pathologies like complete absence of genitals). Most cases of dissatisfaction are in nervous and psychological sphere. Something to notice is that the majority of dissatisfied women get satisfaction doing masturbation. It is not a penis that satisfies a woman but a MAN. And he satisfies not as a physical body but as IMAGE, which meets more or less some criteria. If this image fits these criteria quite sufficiently, a woman starts getting a "tuning" to this probably fantasized man. It can be a kind of amorousness, interest, curiosity or anything else... Without this "tuning", satisfaction can be problematic particularly to highly primative women. But if some women can "tune" easily to any man, the others can somehow "tune" to only one of hundreds. Obviously the first probably have low-ranking potential and/or low primativeness while for the second they are high. The "tuning" appears more often with a man whose ranking potential is not lower than that of the female and his behavior goes along with the primeval conjugal rituals. The cases when there is no satisfaction with a husband but rape satisfies instead illustrate that well because a rape is usually performed in a swine-like fashion like it was done in a primeval herd by the high-ranking males. By the way, such a phenomenon is not the last reason why women often do not report a rape to police and in some cases even protect and cover the rapists! Married by the rational decision of the mind, a woman can remain dissatisfied at least for the first time until she gets used to this man. As a proverb says, love comes with habit. Do you want to force a husband to wash clothes, to clean floors or to look after the baby, etc? Did high-ranking males in primeval herd do such a contemptible job? If you succeed in this (but this is unlikely if he was not inclined to it by himself) your mind probably will be satisfied for some time. However, your primeval "ego" will immediately recognize the lowering of the rank of this male... and you will want to get a lover.

Getting a high-ranking male as a breadwinner is a dream but with almost no chances of realization. As a getter, he is not really bad at all (including at the expense of robbery of low-ranking males) but he is in high demand neither is he physically able to feed and support all the females who want him. But maybe only one or two favorite wives. Neither he has any stimulus to this. Why should he pay for copulation if he has it for free? If it were possible to own him monopolistically (as it was said - it would have been the ultimate dream come true) then all the problems would have been solved once and for all. However such monopolistic ownership of a high-ranking male was virtually impossible. Even the "favorite wife" could not rely on him. Of course, she could rely on his preferential (once again - not monopolistic) treatment, but not on his sexual fidelity. Sure it seems like a female does not need much of sexual fidelity itself. At least once a year he will find a time to fertilize her. However, sexual infidelity of such male had certain serious consequences for the female. First, there was the risk of loosing her "favorite wife" status. Second, there was a risk for her of diminishing sexual activity from this male and that means insufficiency of pleasures (low-ranking males are bad substitutes and they do not deliver such satisfaction). And even furthermore, the loss of the "favorite wife" status means lowering her own rank in the hierarchy. But here we are talking only about the "favorite wives" which were mostly the females with high enough ranking potential. What to do for the others?
It is very simple! For conceiving a child and for one's own enjoyment, a high-ranking male was preferred, invoking the jealousy of his "favorite wives" and at the same time deceiving several low-ranking males pouring gifts in wavering hope for a long awaited sexual act that was delayed by the female for as long as possible, up to the complete avoidance in favor of a high-ranking male. But all these low-ranking males simply did not have any other choice but to pay for their access to the body. Even considering that he probably will not be the father of most of the children of this primeval woman. In reality such practice is a paradigm of polyandry. I'd like to point out that this necessity for females to have a breadwinner opened a gate for low-ranking males to have a real chance to transfer their altruistic genes to the descendants. Isn't this connected to the abrupt acceleration of social evolution of mankind observed in the last couple of hundred thousand years based on the strengthening altruistic tendencies in people's behavior?

Furthermore, during the development of humanity, during the transition from gathering to agrarian society (sometimes called the "Neolithic revolution") at some moment getting food from several different men became unnecessary, one became enough, or a rich one became enough for a few females, and even she became herself an economically more viable subject. In these conditions the disappearance of necessity to get food from a few men lead to the automatic disappearance of necessity to give herself to the many men! Due to this fact, our ancestors' desire to secure a nuptial union (either monogamous or polygynous) seems like natural. This not only reflected the new economic realities but hampered the spread of venereal diseases. Automatically it also met some ideals of justice - instead of the primeval "one male has everything, others - nothing, "there appeared" a woman to every man." I have no intentions of exaggerating the influence of ideas of equality on people of the Neolithic revolution, but in this case the equality happened as a side-effect of the above mentioned factors and taken alone was not really meaningful. Moreover, at the beginning there was a predominance of polygyny as more habitual for high-ranking males, but seriously unfair for low-ranking ones.
There is one more important thing to notice. The attitude toward a female as a thing that can be bought (and that does not object to being bought) multiplied by the absence of the male's instinct of caring for the female lead at last to the system known as patriarchy. Matriarchy as the a mass phenomenon did not exist among our ancestors at least for the last ten million years since they moved to the Savannah and probably it never existed at all. There was no instinctive, economic, or any other presuppositions for that. (see 1 for details) And even otherwise, by the reason of high danger living in the Savannah, the role of males as defenders increased together with a kind of militarization of the population, resulting in giving privileges to the defenders (including at the expense of the female's rights). The practice of tracing a relationship based on the mother's genealogy among few peoples reflected only the impossibility of establishing a firm fatherhood under active promiscuity and nothing more. But nonetheless, since patriarchy formed relatively late, it was fixed in instincts weakly and thus could not void the fundamental principle of the female irreplaceability, that is at least half a billion years old. But every time the juridical pressure diminished, the woman became a selecting subject. Let's remember medieval knights. Moreover, even in the midst of patriarchy, a groom himself did not select a bride. It was done by a third party. (usually by parents)


What the men having no luck should do

The root of your problems regarding relationships with the women is in your low primeval status and you would like, of course, to raise it. I can tell how to do this right on the spot: you need to become rich or famous (for example - to make a career). It is also possiblllle to get drunk but this will not help for a long time. It is well known that the women love money very much but not everyone guesses that wealth is not the end goal for a woman but it is also an attribute of high primeval rank and women love not only money but also the men who managed to make them. Getting wealthy for low-ranking men was next to impossible in primeval herd. Higher superiors would have plundered everything. In contemporary society it is possible to achieve certain wealth but if your real rank is way below your wealth you might face with her infidelity later. It is pleasant to milk a breadwinner encouraging him with sex but she'd like to have someone different as a lover.
As far as the glory the best way is to become a pop super-star, and save you God from committing heroic deeds risking your own life. Readiness for self-sacrifice is definitely an attribute of a low rank but foul readiness to expose the others (to rule over the others) is the attribute of a high rank!
It is said that women love with ears. To say more this is typical not only for people! Songbird males sing the songs only for attraction of females. For the same purpose grasshoppers cricks, frog male croaks, male cat yawls in march and etc., etc., etc. It is not worth to mention the pop-stars. They are one of the most favorite category of men among women... And yea, they sing mainly about love!

What is more important for success - high rank or high primativeness? For sure, high rank! Captain is forgiven for everything including low primativeness. Moreover, high ranking men with low primativeness have often particular charm and have a big success with respectable decent women. However, they are not the ones who have the biggest harems. However primativeness is inborn feature and it is very difficult to change it even by hard training especially you do not have artistic gift.

Low chances can be compensated by the big number of attempts. Do not hesitate to use favorite women's tactic - having several romances in parallel but take certain measures to prevent crisscrossing of them. At least, you will gain practical experience and probably obtain lacking self-assurance. One of the other ways of gaining experience is to date by classified personal ads but do not treat them seriously. They are extremely ineffective as a search method for a life partner.
Of course, women tend to make fun of low-ranking men but treat this philosophically and do not quit attempting. In any case neither make a tragedy out of this nor fall into depression. Considering that we live in the world of probability and chance, and as it was mentioned above, high rank by itself is not a guarantee for the total success, and right contrary, low rank is not guarantee of a complete failure. All these are the factors which seriously affect the likelihood of mutuality. Besides that there exist an instinct of sexual curiosity...
And one more thing, if your rank is low try not to waste your time on high ranking women.

* And now some real advice. It does make sense to try some psychological training to raise self-confidence. However, be careful and picky in choosing such type of training and its instructor. If the instructor is really high-level specialist then your chances to raise up your rank (at least visual one) are high enough. Virtuosos can help you in acquiring the above mentioned hardly noticeable self-assured mimicry. For example the following exercise can be recommended: looking at woman think where to kiss her, looking at man think where to hit him. I emphasize that this should be only imaginable exercise. The results maybe noticeable in about couple months. However, be careful with training on men. High-ranking man can apprehend too brave stare as a challenge for hierarchical duel and accept it! But this can be totally out of your plans. Because by hierarchical "etiquette" low-ranking male must lower his eyes when dominant is looking at him.
* Trying to display your high rank to women, do not be malignant and aggressive! Remember that the root of high-ranking potential is in the high self-esteem and following from it self-assurance. Probably opposite to it, malignancy is destiny of low-ranking men. Cheerful happiness of self-assured person having success in life, having to some degree everything from life, is not afraid of getting in contact with others, this is a lifestyle and behavior one should try to achieve. Moreover, even the most highly primative woman has some kind of rational thinking and open aggressor can invoke purely rational antipathy.
* Never condemn your beloved ones for making eye contacts with other men and perhaps dating not only you, even if you are kept at certain distance - nature made mostly them responsible for the choice, although a lot of water under the bridge since ancient times. And never condemn your wives for irresistible desire to be attractive to all the men - it does not mean infidelity. Remember that without serious reasons a woman will never introduce anything dangerous in her life.
* However! Do not waste your time if you see that the distance between you is not getting shorter for a long time - that means that you are kept just for collection. In this case she does not need you but only the signs of your care. Actually the need for signs of men's care for most of the women is the end in itself, the kind of psychological food. And dosed favor is given you in order to make this source of care not drying up for as long as possible. It is proven that very long courting do not lead to successful marriages. And even if you succeed in such case then for the rest of your life you will be considered like half a loaf is better than no bread.
* If the initiative of your dates or other contacts (for example by phone) is always going from you but she in the best case scenario just mercifully does not refuse, this is the exact sign that your relationships are hopeless. In this case you are just a specimen of her collection or even maybe, the source of the gifts.
* Making the gifts and giving a hand, try to be within limits of the ritual. No way this should look like a sincere self- sacrifice. Gifts should be presented with careless ease. She might be pleased to see how you kill yourself trying to get what she wants because it means that her goal regarding you is achieved but this pleasure of hers will not end up in a pleasure for you. As a rule, accepting gifts, woman does not feel obligated. For example, if a woman asks you to do her a favor that humiliates you one way or another and there is no possibility to decline then the formality and ritual meaning of your submission must be heavily emphasized. Do not rush to accomplish the favor with slavish obligingness - this is the way it is done by low-ranking men but instead do it condescendingly. Thus your submission completely loses its hierarchical nature and becomes nothing more than purely conjugal ritual.

* Never try really proving that you are hard-working, sober, careful, responsive, and etc. By doing this you will neither break her heart nor probably capture her mind especially if she has never been married.

* As it was said above, different kinds of parallel promiscuity usually platonic are typical for women. So they are inclined to try a few men simultaneously. And if she keeps the sufficient distance with all the tried men except perhaps one, this is the NORM and usual practice which allows to widen the pool of candidates. Such practice in combination with egocentrism is apprehended as craftiness. This term is not really exact because often she does not know herself who will become her choice until the last moment (although as a rule she knows well who is not going to be her choice) and after the choice is done she does not always realize clearly why one is chosen over others. So do not make the scandals and do not strain your relationship over this issue. According to the instincts women simply must behave this way.
* "Admitting to body" can be used as one of the most powerful (though risky for the women themselves as well) ways of men's seduction. In these cases, a woman comparatively easy agrees for a short-term intimate relationship which do not suppose their further development and deepening. The main subconscious goal of such sexual connection is to bind a man to herself and at the same time satisfy the instinct of sexual curiosity. On a rational level, woman usually explains such behavior as "having fun". However, after very short period of time (very often on the very next day) you might be refused in continuation of this intimate relationship, possibly with the offer "to stay as friends". Poor thing, if you managed to fall in love with her. In such case the outlooks of reciprocity are next to illusory and negligibly small. Briefly speaking, do not rush to fall in love with a woman only because she had sex with you several times. It might be only a bait with nothing following after but painfully stinging fishing hook. Sure, it does not mean that one should decline closeness. The bait should be accurately eaten without biting a hook (meaning without loosing one's head).
* The less we love a woman the more she likes us... This can be applied to Pushkin himself but such recommendations as "never pay attention to her" or "show her the place", "shout" and etc. are suitable for captains and work well in their implementation. Dominant male does need to love women. They love him anyway. And if your rank is low then your deliberate inattention will go unnoticed but your attempt to "put her in the place" will be growl of paper tiger and will cause nothing more then smile or righteous anger.
* About woman infidelity. Without examining explicit or implicit prostitution, i.e. sexual intercourse for material welfare, then a woman has liaisons in most of the cases when she is not satisfied with the rank of her husband, especially if the power of her innate program of sexual curiosity is increased. And if you do not satisfy your wife sexually but somebody does then the reason is neither in his special ability nor in the size of his genitals but exactly in the rank. Even the potency is not the first in the list of reasons for infidelity. If she is not suited with something else (low intellect, abusive manners, laziness, and etc.) she will probably leave you rather then start having extra marital love affairs.
* Women have propensity to whimper about difficulties of getting married. However, do not apprehend this too literally and do not make illusions that women will rush to you pushing rivals aside (of course, if you are not a pop-star or someone similar with the highest rank). Women even trying to be attractive to all men, nonetheless will keep sitting up until senility and waiting until somebody will conquer them (and they will put up a defense! - the fortitude of which will be inversely proportional to man's rank), thus proving by this his primeval right of close contact, even if there are no chances left. In reality, they want to get married much less than they talk about it. Especially if they are over 30, in this case, besides other things, unwillingness to change habitual way of life is triggered into action (that is also typical for men as well).
* Saying "no men" or "nobody pays attention" a woman deliberately or inadvertently cheats. A woman of reproduction age getting ABSOLUTELY no men's attention is something practically impossible (if only men physically exist within a few kilometers). At least she will be accosted by a drunk. Such statements should be comprehended as "not enough real men" or "not enough admirers" and there is none suitable enough among them (and we know who this suitable is). And admirers, like money cannot be TOO much. So, courting a woman, even ugly, never assume that she does not have other admirers, but better consider that you're only one of possible candidates.
* However, be careful if a woman is overlooked or competition for her is clearly weak! It is good if only the reason for this is in her unappealing look. Otherwise, the reasons can be very serious. If women reject men for discordance with primeval criteria, then men judging by the mind reject women for more objective shortcomings. The same is true for divorced women. Good wives are tried not to lose. It is advisable to find out the reason for divorce.
* Do not be modest and do not criticize yourself. If you have something to be proud of, do not put telling it off thinking that this is going to be a pleasant surprise for her. This later time can never come to true. Also do not assume that she will recognize your strengths herself - notorious women's insight is nothing more than myth. Illusion of women's insight is created by ability to read well gestures and mimicry as ancient nonverbal language. However, only current state of a man but not his biography or moral cast can be determined by gestures. As it was mentioned above, women, following the feelings, evaluate men very superficially. I do not say about all women but an average woman is not so insightful at all which is caused by her egocentrism. If it were not true women would not have suffered from pickpockets in public transportation.
* A woman evaluating your strengths (as they are catered for her) probably compares them not with her own strengths and weaknesses (according to the principal of female irreplaceability, her own strengths and weaknesses are less important comparing with the very fact of the women existence) but with the strengths of the other men (also the way the strengths are shown to her).
Please note how shamelessly experienced Don-Jovans glorify themselves not hesitating to lie under some circumstances. Of course, I cannot recommend a lie as a method but whatever you have should be shown at its best. And it is not worth to forget old fellow Karnegy - "Going fishing I take worms with me, though I personally prefer strawberry with cream". I.e., the things that you like might not be of a dislike for others.
* Be careful with admitting of love! This can be the end because the conjugal goal of a woman's behavior is to make men fall in love with her and if this goal is achieved then further relationships can get uninteresting for her. You will be flabbily kept just for collection. The very fact that hearing of such admittance is very pleasant for a woman is just a satisfaction of a person who achieved the goal.

Practical conclusions for lonely women

What should a hen running from a cock think about?
-Am I running too fast?
(an anecdote)




o As it was mentioned above a male can fertilize the maximum number of females if it cares for each female only minimally needed amount of time. This is the reason for preference of easily available women by men. In other words, after the body was obtained he may lose any interest because the goal is achieved and it is time to take care of another woman. So, we can advise women to avoid intimate contact and even hints at it for as long as possible (of course, except the cases when you need only THIS). If you worry that without THIS he will abandon you that means that he will leave you anyway, and after THIS even faster. By the way, men's love is more transient than women's but often is more powerful. To say, it blazes up brighter but burns down faster. The sense of this for men is the same - not to waste time.
o Do not condemn your men for looking on other women. There is nothing terrible if he does nothing more than looking on them. You also assert all the efforts to make men looking on you (and the more and longer the better) even if you are married for a long time. To forbid men to look on other women is equal forbidding you to look nice and attractive (attract men's looks).
o Slightly simplifying we can say the following: all women like the same men. If you like one man it is very likely that other women also like him, if you do not like a man it is very likely that none of women ever likes him at all. So, if you feel that you have to compete with other women for any particular man, you should know that you will have to compete for the rest of your life even if you succeed in marring him. And if you see that a man looks like a good one but you feel no call of heart, do not comfort your soul with thoughts that another woman will like him. It is very probably that this good man is doomed for loneliness. At school, when mind is not ripened yet, such "anisotropy of sympathies" is well displayed. All girls in the class like 1-2 boys who are objectively not the best. The interests of boys are distributed on girls although not uniformly but more evenly.
For men such phenomenon also takes place though it is less typical. Men's tastes of women are much more diverse.
o Do not be born nice but be born happy. This proverb is very correct since it reflects the circumstance that men like beautiful women and that's why there is extremely fierce competition for such women where only high-ranking males win. The word "male" rather than "man" is much more suitable here because well-bred, cultured and honest man as a rule does not have high rank in primeval hierarchy and primeval swines hopelessly block him from you, who is so pretty. Besides this, such fierce competition for beautiful women cause women to get illusionary feeling of infinitely wide and unlimited in time freedom of choice. When such illusion disappears the bitter feeling of aimlessly spent years and undeserved resentment toward ALL men is left. But meanwhile there were the same men with insignificant differences flickering in front of your eyes. The men of the other type were busy with those who were less pretty.
So, do not get your whole mind fastened on your look! Subconsciously evaluating a man from primeval point of view you likely involuntarily attribute to men the same customs and try to increase your own primeval attractiveness missing men's rationality. Yes, there are men who react only on this but do you need them?
Having perfected your appearance to the best you can achieve a reverse result! Looking prodigiously fashionable and refined you provoke a feeling of your inaccessibility (maybe, a real one). And inaccessible women are not preferred by men, especially by low-ranking ones. How a poet said:

... So inaccessible for men
That their look cause spleen...
So the more stylish you look, the higher concentration of "easy-riders" is around you. Of course, we mean here an extreme degree of stylishness, I do not campaign for slovenliness.
o Men follow their mind in higher degree, justly considering some elements of primeval marital ritual impolite, uncultured, tactless, humiliating and so on. You often expect that until the loss of the memory a man will be storming the inaccessible barriers built by you (and the lower the man's rank the higher the barrier's height) but he will consider impolite and humiliating to bother you. Found your defensive reaction, a man might decide that he is unpleasant and annoying to you and will leave in order not to give you unpleasant feelings with his presence. And he is absolutely right from rational point of view! Highly primative and high-ranking man simply does not care that he can be disgusting and his importunate annoyance blocks the reason of your mind, thus achieving the desired result. Those importunate annoyances are the most ancient ritual!
Low-primative man discards such impolite rituals and assumes that mutual intimacy of intelligent people should be reciprocal since it is necessary for both.
For example, according to the instinctive ritual you switch your attitude from warm (for baiting) to cold and you are puzzled why he does not fight for you? But a low-primative man is puzzled - why did you suddenly become so cold without any reason? He does not suspect that this has to be done according to the ritual and he is suppose to start conquering you without taking into account any possible impoliteness and humiliation.
This does not mean that you should be sexually easily accessible! We are speaking about barriers on the way of intimacy of souls but not bodies.
o About man's infidelity. It has been already mentioned above that the instinctive limitations of sexual expansion are absent in men. However, there are two serious issues. First, this expansion can be released only by a man with high rank. Low-ranking man maybe also would like but... Women, whose husbands suddenly became rich, notice that he started betraying or even left for good. This man did not change. The explanation is easy. His rank increased and women began to love him. To love and not only to sell themselves. Second issue, absence of instinctive limitations does not mean the absence of rational ones. Men follow mind much more than women do. You will laugh but men sometimes deliberately do not allow themselves to betray due to moral and ethical considerations! Of course, if you suit him comprehensively.
o About personal ads in classifieds. Men resort to it if their rank is low or they have some problems in biography (conviction, for example). If you write in your personal ad that you want "a kind, honest, etc." then having met exactly such man you will probably find that you have no feelings toward him. And regarding former criminals, be aware that anti-social behavior often is an attribute of high rank. Be careful! Furthermore, you want this man to be well-off. It is understandable but men perceive such your requirement with abhorrence justly supposing that love for money is prostitution (but maybe, you had in mind only his high rank, i. e. ability to "take everything from life").
o Your 40 year birthday is very close but you still have no man. Have you already agreed for any man? But what do you mean "any man"? Actually lowering the requirements for the desired husband a woman usually lessens the requirements to civilized part of his personality but not to primeval because it is difficult consciously to lower requirements for something what you cannot realize by your mind.
o If you really want to get married but not only chat about it you should take initiative in your own hands. The one, who needs something more, speaks louder about it. However, do not try to storm porutchiks. This is hopeless and not original. If you really want to get married but do not want to act, this is, sorry to say, self-delusion. Sometimes it can be enough just to lower the speed of running away but I warn once more about inadmissibility of early intimate contact. Almost every man always agree for that and almost with every woman. His agreement for an intimate contact does not affect the outlook of long-term relationships. Here an analogy can be drawn with your reaction on his signs of attention - you will accept them but this does not mean anything.
Do you find this to be humiliating and cannot "step over yourself"? I can just feel sorry for you. Decent men do not want to stoop either, especially taking into account that men are less interested in long-term relationships. Trusting woman's "nature", i.e. instinctive behavioral program, that proposes defensive and waiting role of woman toward men, you will again and again recreate primeval environment around yourself where there was no monogamy marriage and a female was taken by the most aggressive and bold male. Expecting such one to be decent is, at least, naive. Speaking in other words, if you are going to sit and wait until somebody finds you then you most likely will be found by a real "male" ("easy rider").
o It makes sense to trust your heart only if your goal is maximum of momentary (especially sexual) sensations. Even in this case if you do not want to bear a difficult child or moreover, if you worry about growing aggressiveness of mankind, it is better to protect yourself from pregnancy. To build a stable family the voice of heart cannot be trusted. Since turned on instinct blocks your judgement you should try to resort to the help of other people who can judge with common sense.
If mulling over the perspectives of marriage you have a goal to become a Grand-Lady at any price, you, of course, need a high-ranking dominant despite of all the dangers connected with him. But even in this case it is better not to trust the heart. It can call you to the self-enamoured grumbler whose behavior has some resemblance with behavior of a real dominant. Meanwhile, the main value of high-ranking person is his ability to succeed in life, may not exist. It might happen that your beloved one will have neither the advantages of a faithful family man credited to low-ranking males nor the ability to take everything from life pertaining to high-ranking ones but will have only high-ranking arrogance and nothing more.
o Women who were caught by dishonest womanizer often tell the following:"Yes, I understand that he lies to me, that all his nice and tender words are lie but I cannot do anything with me!" This is an example of highly primative behavior. Subconsciousness, realizing instinctive marital ritual, neither can reason by itself nor is interested in opinion of mind. The main thing for it is the match with template. And when it matches the feelings start working with all the cylinders firing! Trusting her mind, low-primative woman will not be caught in this trap - primeval sorcery might not affect her.
o What lies more often a heart or a mind? A lie can be different. Rational judgement is based on knowledge gained during upbringing, education and on one's own and other's life experience. If because of any reasons the mind is weak it can deceive (lets say, fail) due to its weakness. It can fail to "calculate" all the consequences of the situation. That's why with passing years and gaining some experience the number of failures decreases. Experience does not affect instinctive programs at all. And heart does not lie because... it does not promise anything at all! Even if it promises then it promises nothing more than the moment of bliss. Since monogamy marriage is not foreseen in instinctive programs as well as participation of males in children upbringing, so it is easy to imagine the following evolution of events.
o From all the above mentioned does not follow that I appeal to you to reject high-ranking men and to prefer low-ranking ones. Low-ranking man is not necessarily educated, cultured and honest. There are some very odious persons among them especially at the bottom of hierarchical pyramid and vice versa, not every dominant is cad. Quite the contrary, I call you upon not to pay any attention to the rank! What I mean is that you should not come under the influence of hypnosis of high-ranking male blocking the perception of objective advantages and weaknesses. The present touting of low-ranking men's virtues in the text is created to compensate dominating everywhere strongly biased opinion in favor of high-ranking males. But even if I'd like to recommend someone then it would have been the low primative men regardless the rank. Another point is that the heart does not understand them but the triumph of mind is possible only with the appropriate genetic base...
Of course high-ranking men have not only imperfections and weaknesses. Many of them are very good breadwinners and if you are lucky and his rank is real, you will be much better off behind him. However, high-ranking male is usually always egoistic and the material welfare which he gets may be handed down not to you or not only to you. Moreover, his ability to accommodate himself in life can play a trick with you, he will accommodate himself and succeed in life at your own.


ublic opinion is full of the prejudices, especially in this sphere. For example, the women are sure that it is much easier for a man to find a woman than for a woman to find a man, although sociological research proves otherwise, the majority of women are sure that it is a man who chooses a woman, even though in reality it is exactly the opposite. In order to clarify the mechanism of origination of such illusions let us imagine the following example, overdone for simplicity:
There are one hundred men and the same number of women living in some village. Five out of these hundred men are arrant Lovelaces who change the women once a month in average. The other men stay home and rarely hang out. After a not so long period of time these Lovelaces will date all the women but the others will meet no more than one. As a result women meeting each other will be telling approximately the following: I dated six men and five of them were such a ... Of course they will come up with the wrong conclusion -- that 5/6 of all men are skunks, cheats, old foxes, easy riders and so on.
Mentioned above, observational selection is objective. It means that even impartial robots would have fallen into this trap. Besides there is also subjective selection which is derived from the peculiarity of human memory - emotionally meaningful events are remembered at their best. Those 5 Lovelaces will be mostly well remembered for a long time because they excited bright emotions. As a result the only one more or less decent man out of these six will not even be recalled.
It is very difficult not to fall under the influence of such illusions for an unprepared man. Mass media also endorses the distortion of a statistical situation preferring to inform about rare, unusual, untypical events and creating the illusion of their mass character and typicality.

About specifics of behaviour

I am a weak and helpless woman, I won't let you!
I've already sued three tenants, and for such words
of yours you will be crawling at my feet!
(A.P.Chekhov. "Helpless creature")




So, biological roles of males and females are drastically different. Lower viability of males due to, in part, more risky behavior, was mentioned above. Obviously, the differences in behavior do not end here and certainly should suit the biological roles. Since the personal value of each female is higher than that of the male because males are born in much higher numbers than needed for fertilization of all females, then there dominate in female behavior the care for herself (and demand of such care from people around her), caution, avoiding risk, and if a self-sacrifice needed then it must be only for the sake of her children as the final goal of caring for herself. Societal traditions are solitary with women primacy because naturally they go back to instinctive behavioral programs - women and children are saved first from a sinking ship. Besides, while there is a great number of the laws and resolutions showing concern for women one way or another, there is none for men. The law takes care either of a PERSON (any person) or a woman.
For example, marriage legislation of Russia and especially legislative practice in this sphere are openly discriminative toward men but nobody pays attention to it. For millions of years everybody got used to this. If a man killed another man in self-defense he would face long and not necessarily successful judicial hardships in Russia. Under the same circumstances a woman probably will be acquitted even without getting a court hearing. And moreover she will be praised. There are many public organizations and movements struggling for the rights of women but there is nothing heard about the same for men. In mass media women's problems are discussed deeper and more attentively than men's are. This is in addition to the fact that even without this, the women are idealized by both men and women and this also goes back to the principle of female's irreplaceability.
It is possible even to speak about men's "presumption of guilt". A husband beats his wife - he is blamed, a wife beats her husband - again, a man is blamed; rape - a man is blamed; divorce - the same; a woman cannot get married - once again, the men are to blame. Yea, men, those villains are to blame for women's unemployment as well. Examples abound. Innocence of a man should be proven every time in such cases. Should you fail to prove it - you are guilty by default! It is the most fertile ground for abuse. Why take care of men if even nature does not take care of them!
I think everybody will agree with the following:

* Women take supernormal care about their health and it seems like men have the goal of shortening their lives. It is well-known that men resort to suicide three to five times more often than women.
* Men have a strongly developed investigative instinct and women a have propensity to known and tested actions (let it be worse but the good old way). Women typically have the primacy of tactic over the strategy - this minimizes the losses in case of failure though it does not allow to score a big victory in case of success. One today is worth two tomorrows.
* Women have a clear inclination to keep low profile satisfying with dull enough life. This can explain for example lower public and business activity of women. Women's soaking in everyday life is a secondary reason (behavior of unmarried women is slightly different in this sense from married). The most outstanding people (that means "more poped out") both genius and scoundrels are men in general. The one who does pop out, takes a risk.
* Women trust intuition and feelings more than logical conclusions. Intuition is based on a past experience and feelings as a voice of instincts are based on experience of a whole species and therefore it is more reliable on average because it was tested by practice. Due to the same reason women better than men comprehend the language of gestures and body language as the ancient means of communication.
* Women are more subject to herd instinct and authorities because majority is usually more often right on average than minority, and authority is a person supported by majority. Also it is possible to mention a higher than men's sexual corporate solidarity among women for as long as it does not contradict the personal interests.
* Average man is more lazy than average woman. It does not mean the absence of lazy people among women but on average it is true. Women's anti-laziness is one of the demonstrations of her concern for herself and for her children. It is not so important for a man to take care of himself. However, laziness is the mother of progress.
* Taking a risk to incur anger I will make a point that burden of notorious "women's fate" is very often exaggerated. And it is so, in order to be pitied even more. This exaggeration in the end goes back to the principle of female's irreplaceability and is tightly interconnected with egocentrism that will be described a bit further.
* Women are not kinder than men! Illusion of women's kindness is caused by instinct of motherhood but it is not identical to kindness and works only in favor of the children.

Victor Dolnik deems that primates' hierarchy is formed by males only. Regarding macaques it might be true but for people it is clearly incorrect. Neither the differences in levels of inclination to conflicts among women nor the differences in power of elbows need any proof. Another thing is that women's hierarchical struggle is not characterized as an open one and generally speaking, is less dangerous for life because of irreplaceability of every female. We can also agree that women's hierarchy is built independently from men's, but they are closely linked together. Anyway, a comparison of male's and female's rank is totally correct. Ranking potential of some ladies is out of limits and easily can get above average men's ranking potential. Let us recall a famous "Tale about a fisherman and a golden fish" by A.S. Pushkin. Ranking potential of the old woman was much higher than of the old fisherman and that coupled with egocentrism lead to what it had lead. Should we throw away the fairy entourage the described situation becomes real and not so rare at all! A children's hierarchy also exists and in general independently from an adult one. However, not any grown-up can tame every high-ranking teenager. Forget about teenagers! Even high-ranking cat is capable of winding its master round its little finger...

About egocentrism

Self-loving is the only romance that lasts for a life.
(Oscar Wild)



Egocentrism is inability to WISH to put oneself in another's place or to get in another's shoes. Egoism is unwillingness to divest oneself of one's own interests. There are the terms "reflection" and "empathy" in psychology. The first term means the ability to adequate self- evaluation in eyes of other people, the second term means ability to apprehend emotions of others. Egocentric has both abilities diminished. Non-egocentric person sometimes is called reflective but this is not quite correct.
I do not allege that there are no egocentric persons among men (moreover, the champions of egocentrism have to be looked only among men!) but it is more typical for women in average. Whatever is said about women's emotionality, empathy is the ability to evaluate the emotions of others correctly but not intemperance of one's own reactions on the environment. The ability to read gestures and mimicry helps to read the emotions of others but in order to read the mimicry one has to want doing this in the first place! Meanwhile, the surrounding world and especially the inner world of the others is not interested for egocentric. He is interested only in the world of oneself, right up to self-admiration. This is indirectly proven by women's love to mirrors.

Here is the following anecdotal scene for illustration:
* - Honey! In such weather a dog owner wiiiill not kick his dog out! Egocentric person can answer: Then go without a dog...
* Egoist will probably respond: You aren't made of sugar! You will not get dissolved...

Here is another scene. A bus stopped abruptly. Egocentric women yelled: "Driver! You are carrying a human cargo!" Men: "What is a crazy person running in front of the bus?"
Egocentric did not even try to put oneself in another person shoes or understand what his/her problem is all about. The point is not in the fact that he is incapable of doing this! It simply did not come to his mind. On the contrary, egoist understood everything but deliberately disregarded the troubles of another one. Egoism is one of the important demonstrations of a high rank.
Egocentric is not necessarily a nasty person! He is just insensitive. For example, he can pour out tons of kindness on the person who does not need this without feeling its irrelevance. And also oppressing somebody he sincerely does not notice the inconvenience which he causes. As a sort of this feature we can mention the extreme restraining of egocentric people in expression of gratitude to the other people.
And egocentric can simultaneously be an egoist (what a horror!).
It is determinate that egocentric people are robed in a crowd (transport, shops) more often and they do not notice or feel anything at the very moment.
It is proven that propensity to egocentrism is handed down genetically from generation to generation even among men meaning that reasonably deep and ancient brain structures are responsible for this.
In an age of from 3 to 5 years egocentric children usually do not ask WHY or they do it very rarely although their development does not fall behind from their peers in any other way. They are not so interested in surrounding world as in their own world..
From the biological point of view feminine egocentrism is justified, and moreover, more or less NORMAL!!!,
if every female is objectively irreplaceable then nature forbids women from thinking seriously of anything but their own interests or interests of their children as well as concealing their problems. For this males are especially created.
Try mentally to change the roles of old man and old woman in mentioned above "Fairytale about a fisherman and a golden fish". Can't make it? Don't you say this cannot happen? Correct, this would have been too untruthful even for a folktale. Since the folklore is already touched it is worth to pay attention that if a fairytale presents such character as stepmother then by all means she is nasty, evil-minded stepfather is not quite typical character for folktales. The reason is not in malignancy itself but in absence of concern for the other people and stepchildren needs. The fact that mass media much more often reveals cases about stepfathers' brutality is the result of the mentioned above men's presumption of guiltiness. Folktales are more reliable statistically. If a folktale does not adequately model the relationships between people it will be not a fairytale that can teach children about real life but an idle fantastic absurd. The thesis about statistical reliability of folklore is correct although its correctness varies for all kind of folklore such as anecdotes, verses and etc.
Why does unbearable moral working environment quite often exist in purely women teams or staffs? Because nobody wants to make any sacrifices for the sake of others.
Lower egocentrism can be seen among women who drive car. Driving a car in a traffic is impossible without constant forecasting of the other drivers' actions and concern about predictability of one's own actions. That is incompatible with egocentrism. Women's unwillingness to use rear view mirrors became household word. That's why the average egocentric woman feels quite uncomfortably behind a driving wheel writing this off to the boorishness of male drivers (again, here is a presumption of male guilt!) and therefore decline to drive voluntarily. However, if she drives a car (of course, it is worth to see HOW well) then the level of her egocentrism is lower than average. But this does not guarantee the absence of any other imperfections or weaknesses. However, this egocentrism in reasonable doses is included as a necessary piquant flavor in the notion of femininity.

LOVE: BEING LESS NEEDY WITH WOMAN

We've all heard it -- Don't be needy or desperate with women.

Sure you say, but how? How can I be interested in a woman, desire her, show my interest in her and get things going, if it means she'll see me as needy and no challenge?! A no-win situation right? Wrong.

The key distinction here is between "want" and "need".

When you want something, it means that you recognize that it may bring you benefits, pleasure and solve some problems.

When you (think you) need something, on the other hand, you go way beyond this to think that if you don't get what you want then it would be awful and unbearable, that you literally need what you want in order to be happy.

But this is all wrong. You can intensely want something, and yet accept that you can still have a good enjoyable existence if you don't get it. You can accept that if you don't get what you want, then sure, you'll be disappointed, but that you can live with that disappointment, but you're no less of a person, and have an unchanged
ability to enjoy yourself and enjoy life.

This shows two ways of being less needy with women.

(i.) Recognize that you, your self, your life is not just your present circumstances, but all your history and memories and every thing, every connection in every sphere of life fanning out from it.

That can't possibly be much changed by not getting a relationship with a particular woman you are attracted to. Literally sit down and write a big interconnecting web-diagram of all the things in your life, right from year earliest memories, and then see that the part that sex and relationships play in it leaves a much smaller gap than you think. Small compared to how big your life is when considered this way.

(ii.) Deeply embrace the distinction between want and need. With women, this means recognizing the distinction between a desire and ademand. To pursue a woman, obviously you desire her, and of course she wants that too. She wants you to want her. What kind of relationship would it be otherwise?

But she doesn't want you to be demanding. Demanding means not accepting it when things don't turn out as you desire or want. It means, literally, being able to accept rejection with dignity (though with honest disappointment). It means being persistently interested (desire) but without being pushy (demanding). It means boldly and assertively making your desires and wants known, but not thinking that it is the end of the world when you don't get those desires fulfilled.

It also means, among other things, being more relaxed about the outcome of an encounter with a woman. That is, being more accepting about the outcome whether it is the one you want, or the one you don't want.

You let go, go with the flow, become less controlling and intense, stop trying to impress her, and instead naturally focus of getting to know her and getting her to know you - i.e., making a connection. You know what you want, so you state it to her clearly, but always with the attitude that whatever happens is OK, and that you can handle it, and get on and enjoy life after you've acknowledged your disappointment.

When you really "get" this - you'll find that women start describing you as "confident".

LOVE: THE ART OF LOVE

Most people are starving for love. They watch endless number of films about happy and unhappy love stories. They listen to hundreds of songs about love, yet hardly anyone think that there is anything that needs to be learned about love. Most people see the problem of love primarily as that of being loved, rather than that their capacity to love. The problem is the problem of the other person. People think that to love is simple, but that to find the right object to love or be loved by is difficult. You don't know how many times I have heard from women telling me, "When the right person come my heart will open up", till then I have to be cautious.

If two people who have been strangers, as all of us are, suddenly let the wall between them break down and feel close, feel one, they have a fighting chance to love. In spite of the deep-seated craving for love, almost everything else is considered to be more important than love---success, job, money, sex....almost all our energy is used for the learning of how to achieve these aim and almost none to learn the art of loving. For love "only" profits the soul, but is profitless in our world is luxury we have no right to spend much energy on.

The active character of love is giving not receiving, But most are willing to give, but only in exchange for receiving and giving without receiving for most is like being cheated. It is so hard for most people to give. The virtue of giving to most lies in the very act of acceptance of the sacrifice. In the very act of giving, I experience my strength, my wealth, my power. Giving is more joyous than receiving, not because it is a deprivation, but because in the act of giving lies the expression of my aliveness. What does one person give to another? He gives of himself, of the most precious he has, he gives of his life. He gives other that which is alive in him. He gives of his joy, of his interest, of his understanding, of his humor, of his sadness---of all expression and manifestations of that which is alive in him. In giving of his life, he enriches the other person, he enhance the other;s sense of aliveness by enhancing his own sense of aliveness. The ability to love I think depends on the character development of the person, the person who overcome dependency, narcissistic, the wish to exploit other, or to hoared.

To love someone is not just a strong feeling----it is a decision, it is a judgement, it is a promise...a commitment. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. We are all part of one, we are one. This bring so, it should not make any difference whom we love. Love should be essentially an act of will, of decision to commit my life completely to that of one other person. Our culture is based on the appetite for buying, we look at the shop windows, in buying all that we can afford to buy we look at people the same way. For the man an attractive girl--and for the women an attractive man---are the prize. They are after attractive usually means a nice package of qualities which are popular and sought after on the personality market. Two people fall in love when they feel they have found the best object available on the market

LOVE: VIRGINITY

Virgins. An ever shrinking social club of undersexed, inexperienced young folks who share a common bond. Their common bond is that they have never shared a physical bond with a member of the other sex (or the same sex if that's what floats your boat.) Some of these people are celibate of their own conviction, waiting for "that right person" or "marriage." Others share this state due to conditions outside of their own control, i.e. bad genetic code. But all of these untapped guys and gals (with the exception of priests, monks, and nuns) are seeking someone with which to share their precious "first time." It can be said, though, that virgins are looked upon differently by more experienced members of the opposite sex. They can be anything from hidden treasure to unwanted goods, but that depends on the unique angle in which the opinion is presented. And it seems that males and females are on different planes on this one.
For most males the opportunity to be the duke of defloration in a girl's life is the opportunity to leave his mark. It presents a unique challenge in which he is charged with the quest of penetrating her most powerful defense systems. This also creates a great deal of responsibility for the man in this situation; the pressure of being her first and (for a time at least) only. But for most guys this is more of an honor than a burden.

For females that theory does not seem to apply in the same manner. I discovered that some girls like a guy who has had a chance to hone his skills. They would rather have experience than viridity. I also found that sometimes females see male virgins who are in their 20's as being undesirable due to the fact that they have struck out during the first quartile of their life. It is as if they are unwilling to "take a chance" on a guy who has been previously passed over by others.

This creates a definite double standard in today's society. Whereas female virgins are a hot commodity and male virgins are leftovers. Is it that females just want a guy to know what he is doing? Is it that guys want a girl who will give them the ultimate prize? I would have to say that it comes back to the very essence of our sexual natures. Males are hunters, penetrators, whose egos flourish on attaining status. Females are protectors, defenders of their sacred womanly offerings. Males naturally seek out challenge and status, while females seem to seek quality and intimacy.

So what are the advantages of rebelling against the norm when it comes to dating virgins? For guys the outcome can lead to a more pleasurable experience. A girl with more experience is more likely to blow your mind and take your sexual enlightenment to another level altogether. There is also very often less emotional attachment, offering up opportunities for one night stands and casual sexual experience. The challenge of deflowering a virgin often comes with time spent developing a deeply emotional relationship and the fostering of great trust. A girl with more sexual history is more likely to fancy just a roll in the hay once in a while. This creates a double standard for women. As AskMen.com explains:


And therein lies the problem: Guys find women for one-night stands, but they're extremely reluctant to settle down with women whose sexual history is just as colorful as their own.
The thing that we males must understand is that sexually experience does not always translate into "slut." As the climate of male and female relations has shifted in the past century, it can be observed that females have become the dominant gender when it comes to matters of the bedroom. They determine the who, what, where, and when of sex. Why is it a problem, then, for a woman to enjoy being engaged in similar behavior to that of her male counterparts? As long as we can get past this mental roadblock, males can right themselves on a path to more fulfilling sexual experiences.

The part that still bothers me is the fact that most women do not hesitate to pass on a virgin guy due to that piece of information alone. This is another example of the sexual shift to a female dominated culture. The problem is that a male virgin, while inexperienced, may pose the chance for a girl to mold a sexual dynamo. Male virgins are not losers who are not worthy to share moments between the sheets, they are as female virgins claim to be, "waiting for that special someone." The problem is that females do not necessarily seek the status of being the one who "broke him in." What women should understand, though, is that just because a guy hasn't rounded the bases doesn't mean that he is a complete idiot in the sack.

This is all a matter of individual opinion I guess, but my hope is to dispel some of the stereotypes associated with virginity. When choosing a virgin or a non-virgin, you must consider whether the person of interest is in the same sexual state of mind as you. If you are a virgin and she is looking for fiery jungle sex, then maybe the time is not right (I say go for it anyways, though... jungle sex sounds like fun). You must judge every situation individually. Remember that sex is a key component of any relationship, but it is not everything. I leave you to decide it's importance...

LOVE: SHALL WE DANCE: WHAT HAPPEN WHEN TWO PEOPLE MET

So one person catch your eye. Conversation ensues, during which it feel like maybe, finally, destiny has brought your beloved. Soon, a full-fledged romance begins. Things are intense, yet also somehow calm. And then, bit and pieces the truth emerges. Your partner has a serious immature streak, hasn't grown up. and in fact hungers for parenting as much as partnership. This revelation is a stunner, since your own romantic history has included far too much caretaking of other and you vowed never to make the same mistake again. The whole thing feels like a giant cosmic trick. You want to run away, hide, and give up on love altogether. But this supposed cosmic trick is actually nothing of the kind. It's not a crisis, a warning. Instead it's just a theme, a dance of dependency, in which you and your partner are perfect matched. Every relationship has at least one main theme. All partner find themselves dancing the same steps over and over to the same disconcerting refrain. For both partners a relationship theme contain the key to greater wholeness. It's as if love is saying: LOOK here This is where you need to heal.

Time and time again you'll find your partner clingy, selfish, and draining. Time and again your partner will find you cold, distant and nagging. The more each of you struggle to repair the other, the more bitterness and resentment will reign. If you're drawn to an overgrown child who needs serious nurturing, it's because there's a part of you crying out for the same. Your opportunity in this relationship is to acquaint yourself with the needy child in you, and to bring that child in from the shadows once and for all. If your partner is drawn to the security of a parental figure, it's because the internal adult has been banished or underdeveloped. Your partner's opportunity in this relationship is to answer every bout of habitual childishness with genuine step toward self-reliance.

There's the pull and push between solitude and togetherness, intellect and emotions, control and abandon. In their description these all seem like pairs of opposites, but in actual relationship no one remains entirely at either extreme. You may take the parental, rather than coming across as all child/parent, may instead seem more like sixty/forty. Because we're all made of many selves, a relationship may contain a number of main themes. They might even overlap or contradict one another. You may prefer solitude when it comes to your free time, for instance, and wrestle with a partner who craves more sharing. Or let look that you're the one overidentifed as the parent, you'd begin by focusing on the aspect of your partner's childishness that upsets you moet. Perhaps, as is common, it's money. Perhaps your partner unintentionally bounces the check, causing the electricity to get turned off of phone get disconnected. At first it may seem as thought you're just frustrated and angry, but if you stay with those feeling they may yield to an underlying fear of chaos and helplessness, of an overall loss of control. Opening to the fear of those experience, and then allowing yourself to actually feel chaotic, helpless and out of control would reveal how long such feeling have been denied. Imagining every nuance of your partner's childishness and feeling them as if they belonged to you, might be the last step in reclaiming all you've disowned.

You can't give or receive love when you're shut down. Conflict arises in a relationship, just like triggering, when you're not getting what you want. The natural respond is to fight for it, or to manipulate the situation to being it about. If your partner makes a hurtful comments, you might make a stand for greater sensitivity. If you partner spends too much time away from home, you might find things around the house that demand attention. To focus immediately on what you want, however is to miss the everything a conflict has to offer. You realize that you've been serious triggered. Tuning to your body, you notice a rapid heartbeat and shortness of breath. these are two of your signature shutdown signs. When there;s a problem with your partner, you focus first and foremost on yourself. In so doing, you flow the blame to responsibility.

Try this experiment. Ask a friend to stand across the room and then approach your slowly. With each step, notice how your body responds. If the distance between the two of you continues to feel safe and comfortable, allow your friend to keep going. But the moment it feel unsafe, and your body rebels, tell your friend to stop. Right then, notice where and how your body give you signals. Personal space is not just physical, it's emotional as well. Emotional space is commonly referred to as boundaries. In relationships these boundaries play a vital role. A healthy sense of boundaries marks a clear distinction between your own inner reality and your partner's. It means that you can love without losing yourself. An unhealthy sense of boundaries means that you and your partners have become over entwined. You may accede to your partner's needs and demands when it's not in your best interest. you may give yourself away. The mistaken is assumed, even if it's unspoken or unconscious that total fusion will heal all their wounds and fix all their flaws. In the process of clutching so urgently at one another, as well as at this impossible dream, they lose all ability to establish a safe distance when necessary. Even the closest relationship dance, if it's healthy is about the interplay of union and separation.

The sun rises. Your eyes flutter open. You loll a while in bed with your partner forever.What you bring into the sexual arena is nothing less than all that you are.

LOVE: THE SHADOW SELF AND LOVE

I sometimes want to plop my head down and take a nap during work, only to instead hoist myself straight. I have random sexual thoughts about the most inappropriate people only to shut them down with disapproval before they really get going. Rather than a single identity, in truth we are a multiple personality. If there's a well-mannered you, there's also a know it all you. What makes this healthy as opposed to pathological is that once you're aware of all your selves, it's possible to roam freely among them. The less you attempt to restrict of banish them, the more they come together as a whole. If you generally see yourself as a busy. outgoing person, you will no longer thin that somethings wrong when you're struck by periods of melancholy and isolation. If you generally see yourself as a peaceful nonviolent person, you will no longer feel mortified when given to fantasies of murderous rage. Among your many selves, there will always be those you'd rather not have. They may seem irritating. counterproductive, downright shameful. Nevertheless, they exist. Just as all the surrounding characters within yourself.

Let's say you've worked hard to establish a strong sense of independence. You take care of yourself well, and purposely avoid situations that would cause you to rely unduly on others. But then you find yourself feeling suddenly needy. The most challenging shadow selves by far are the ones who can't name because you're not even aware of them. These aspect of yourself are so unacceptable or terrifying that they've been driven deep into your unconscious. You can't work with them, of course. till you know they're present. If you hate rude people, take it as a sign that you have a hidden obnoxious self. If you can't stand people who express every little feeling, recognize the self in you that needs to let it all out. If you recoil at insincere people, be aware that you possess a phony self. You may insist that no such shadow exist within you...but trust me they do.

A relationship ensues when two people are lured together by the thrill of infatuation. In this heightened state, they feel bigger, better, and happier. They usually can't be bothered by an investigation of this state, which often less about lasting love and more about make-believe. Then when the onrush of infatuation fades, they're beset by host of doubts. The doubt all centers on one question: Can we truly give one another what we want and need?Struggling with such a question often leads to the kind of stress that can doom a relationship right at the outset. As you learn to fulfill your own heart's desire, however, you no longer expect others to do so. Nor do you seek to fulfill the heart of another, since clearly that's not your job. Freed from these impossible expectations, you're now able to evaluate a new relationship differently. Your focus can shift from future outcome to present experience. Rather than losing yourself in a swoon or shutting down with doubt, you can yield to the rhythm of the dance.

A decision about commitment is a major turning point. Sustained intimacy, by contract, takes root over countless minor moments. It requires that you surrender routine in every aspect of relationships. Any commitment, once you decide to make it, must be continually renewed. When each day of your life is alive with the decision to stay or leave, nothing is ever rote. Staying becomes as electric as your first date. If you yet to know to commit or not. let your body communicate what it does know. This can help you find the deepest source of your uncertainty, and cut through the repetitive chatter of resistant thought. Thoughts like maybe she isn't emotionally available and I'm not sure she really gets me can rarely be debated to resolution. When you ask your body to weight in, however, you'll always get a quick "yes" , "no" or not sure.

LOVE TURNS ONE PERSON INTO TWO, AND TWO INTO ONE

LOVE: ANGER AND BEING ABUSED

Most nice guys feel responsible for other's people lack of understanding.If my ex seem irritated, I would try to discover what kinds of things upset her and will try to avoid them. So many of us do accept responsibility for another person's anger especially when it is unexpected and completely unjustified. We believe that the person who is anger at us is rational in their behavior toward us, so they must have "some reason" for what they did. I believe that one of the belief that hasn't work for nice guys is this :if someone is angry at us, we somehow how hurt them. We also feel responsible for other people's happiness. I have learned to overlook unkindness, disrespect as something not as important enough to stand up to. I always feel that my feeling are wrong.

I would forget the "bad" times. I get into these relationship where my self-esteem is gradually diminished without me realizing it. I lose self-confidence without realizing it. You are brainwashed to believe you are wrong and the other person is right. Sign of abuse:

1-Withholding...a relationship require intimacy. Withholding is a abuse. TO hold back one's thoughts, feelings, hopes, body..to oneself and remain silent and aloof toward one's partner is not good

2-Discounting your feeling, thoughts or point of view. People who are abuser will discount your feeling..>>>telling you YOUR FEELINGS AND EXPERIENCE ARE WRONG..THEY ARE WORTH NOTHING. Do you know how many times I heard this?
-you're too sensitive
-you blow everything out of proportion
-you take things too seriously

3-Judging and Criticizing ....they disguised it as help or advice.

4- They Threaten you...by bringing out your greatest fear
-do what i want or i'll leave
-do what i want or I'll get angry

5-Denial...

There is no way you can prevent someone from being angry at you. Speaking more gently, listening more attentively, being more supportive, will not work. Attempt to find out what is wrong simply do not work. I realize when someone get anger at me..it does affect me deeply, It throw me off balance and disrupt my equilibrium and batter my spirit. I tried ignoring it ..saying to myself.." I am strong, she doesn't meant what she said...this only reinforce bad behavior



I found this interesting article that i want to share:

Mind Reading while Dating
__________________________________________________ __

For many people, dating is an exercise in mind reading. Do you know what I mean?

When you are starting to date someone, isn't your mind busy analyzing your date's every action? Does he like me? What does she mean by that? Will he call again? Did I say the right thing and will she take it wrong? Will he reject me or judge me? What
does he really feel? What does she want?

The funny thing is that most of us don't admit to believing in psychics and mind readers, and yet we try to mind-read ourselves when dating.

Mind reading seldom if ever works. It is simply not possible to accurately interpret another person's actions, thoughts and feelings without input from them. Mind reading can lead you down the wrong road about your new relationship and will definitely
drive you crazy.

Are you ready to stop driving yourself crazy by trying to figure out others' thoughts, feelings and emotions? Then it's time to welcome a new life with fewer headaches, more sleep and more pleasant dating through communication.

All you have to do is assume "it's not personal" and communicate.

Assume it's not personal
------------------------

In mind reading, you would assume that another's actions are a direct reflection of what the person thinks and feels about you. The truth is that even when you are in a long-term relationship, very little of your partner's actions have to do with you. This is even more profoundly so in dating situations.

What the other person is doing or saying, or not doing or saying, has very little to do with you and a lot to do with his or her life experience, way of being and current circumstances.

If he or she is rigid or uncomfortable, it may have very little to do with you. It could just as easily be because he or she does not do first conversations well, or is feeling unattractive, overwhelmed, anxious, etc. If he or she ends a first date early, it could be that you were not the right person or it could be that negative emotions just got the best of him or her. Even if ultimately the person you went out with does not choose to date you, that choice is about him or her and is not
a comment on your date-worthiness.

Communicate
-----------

In mind reading, you would respond to another according to your interpretation of his or her actions. He or she would in turn respond to you according to his or her interpretation of your actions, and on and on and on.

Without mind reading and hence interpretation, the logical step is to communicate. Ask questions. Share your feelings. Ask for what you want. Expand your communication repertoire. As long as you are gentle and respectful, you can say almost anything to
anyone without causing an adverse reaction.

Communicating instead of mind-reading will open the door to new understandings and new connections. You will from time to time meet someone who resists participating in an open and flowing conversation, but this resistance is rooted in what's going on
in the other person's life and is not about you.

When you play the mind-reading game you set yourself up for craziness and often for disappointment, resentment, fear and anxiety. Once you stop playing the game, realize what's going on with the other person is not personal, and start communicating,
you'll notice a dramatic change in your peace of mind and the quality of your dating experience.




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When i was at school..we conducted an experiment. We place a frog into a pan of hot water. The frog jumped out. We then place the frog into a pan of cool water and slowly raised the temperature. The frog adapted until it boiled to death.

Just like the frog, we adapt very gradually. We are not inclined to notice gradual changes and hence we live in a environment which kills our spirit. We get this conditioning from our family. To stop being a nice guy we must change our point of view. In my relationship, i felt that my partner was the rational one and i was the irrational one. The belief that my mate is behaving logically is one of the primary cause of my confusion. She might be nice to me one moment and get upset the next. These rapid changes only confuse me more. If we are told by people around us with increasing frequency that we are too illogical, too sensitive, always has to be right..etc...we become conditioned to accept more and more abuse while experience more and more self-doubt. It undermine our self-perception. Cliches have been passed down to us as well:

-Love conquers all...if we are more loving and accepting ....she will reciprocate
-be nice and they be nice to you...so if someone yell at you, it because you weren't nice...come on.
-never give up.....if you give up in understanding someone...you are a faliure
-keep smiling...if you are optimism, you will find a way to understand people
-stick and stones may break your bones,but words will never hurt you...
if you believe this then that no matter what people say to you should feel hurt
-you should accept other the way they are....
-if you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all....

It is time to realize that in any HEALTHY relationship, one person doesn't yell at, put down or hurt the other and infringe upon your personal dignity. You have the right:

-to be heard by other and responded to with courtesy
-right to have your own feeling and experience acknowledge
-right to live free from blame and criticism

It is important to completely accept your own perceptions and your own feelings. When you define your own reality as separate and different, you gain clarity, self-esteem. Knowing what other people tell you about yourself is not true. Denial is a violation of your boundary. If your experience is denied or discounted, the person has invaded your boudnaries. She has moved through then as if to enter your mind and then has claimed to know what your experience actually is. So remember the following:

YOU CAN TRUST YOUR OWN FEELING AND PERCEPTION
YOU ARE NOT THE CAUSE OF ANOTHER'S IRRITATIONS, ANGER
YOU CAN SAY NO TO WHAT YOU DO NOT LIKE OR WANT
YOU ARE A WORTHWHILE PERSON
YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT
YOU DECIDE FOR YOURSELF WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU

You have to listen to your feeling. All the pain was there because your soul knew it wasn't right before you knew it. It's wrong to be where you're put down and yelled at, no matter how much the person saying they are not putting you down and not yelling.

It all start at home..just like Dr. Glover(No More Mr. Nice Guy) believes and John Bradshaw(Heal The Shame That Bind You). Our parent=God to your infant eyes. They were everything to us. How can our parents be wrong..it is impossible. The only alternative we had was to believe that something must be wrong with the way we were, how we express ourselves, how we came across, or possibly with our feeling and experience of reality itself. We suffer and hence this allow us to have empathy and compassion for others. The one thing we didn't know was WHY we were suffering. Surely, the one who said they love you would not be so upset with me, would not yell, nor tell me what was wrong with me, unless there was something wrong with the way I was. I search for answer all my life...to why I felt defective. Why wasn't I happy? Why do things never go my way? Why does every relationship I have fail? I wanted answers. Your self-doubt increase when you get older when what your heard in childhood is reiterated in adulthood. All my life my parents, my friends, my teachers, were telling me what I felt...what I know was wrong. That I was defective. If my partner was not wrong, if she was not lying, if I did take things wrong, then I could believe only that "something must be wrong with the way I am, how i express myself, how I come across or possibility with my feelings and experience of reality itself."

The real truth was there is nothing wrong with me. I don't need to search anymore. I am not defective. My childhood association is just that...a mistake I made. If I am doing any...i am improving myself not because I am defective but because i want to be the best that I can be so I can share it all with the person I am with. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME....I AM NOT DEFECTIVE.....this is just how life is.....no one gets everything they want, no one is happy 24/7, no one has a better life than i do...they might have a different life...but better...NO

LOVE: WHAT'S HAPPENING TO LOVE IN THIS WORLD

As Human Beings, each one of us is inexplicably complex. Each of us have unique and varying methods of perceiving, experiencing, and integrating the multiplicity of sensations, emotions and stimuli generated within and without us.

We have differing ideas of our own self-image and the subconscious principles that we hold true of the world. Some hold an essentially benevolent view of the world, while others believe in the faculty of human choice as the cause of much good or evil in the world, while still others hold an antagonistic view of the world.

There are some who hold certain values as paramount - like their god or religion, their nationality, their fraternity/sorority, or family, etc. Such values create a conscious or subconscious impetus within each individual to pursue those activities or live in a certain manner that would allow for a deeper, more enhanced experience of their values.

Whatever the case may be, each of us has created a personal paradigm of our reality (our identity and our place in this world) and our view of the world. We grow up believing it to be mostly true; we assimilate our experiences within the molds of our set principles, and we even subconsciously assess or seek those principles in others during our daily interactions with people. There comes a few times in a person's life when they come across someone who not only fits their own views of what a person should be, but also realizes that the other person holds in common the same values and subconscious principles as them. At such times, one can be almost certain that a new and close relationship will be formed: the individuals might end up being good friends or might get involved in a closer, more personal relationship. Nonetheless, since no two persons can ever be the same entirely - psychologically, physically, and emotionally - the two individuals will find in each other traits and behaviors that are not shared commonly between the two. This does not always need to lead to any sort of dissatisfaction, though in some cases it does. How a person deals with this dissatisfaction while still being in a relationship or deciding to exit the relationship is an issue that is at the crux of the morality of human relationships.

It is self-evident that no human being is perfect. But in the common sense of the term, we all believe that we have areas in which we are lacking, in which we could be better, and more importantly, we are able to recognize these areas of possible improvement even in other people. Then, to put this into the context of human romantic relationships, finding a 'perfect' partner might not just be elusive, but impossible. There is no 'perfect' partner - only partners that are good for you, bad for you, or better than the one you had before. Also, there is no such thing as a partner that is 'perfect' for you. Using the word 'perfect' in such subjective sense loses the very essense of the meaning of 'perfection'.

By the essential definition of the word "perfection", any object being characterized with that quality of perfection should be rendered beyond comparison. There cannot be varying degrees of perfection. Perfection is either complete in its attributes, or it is simply not perfect. By that same token, there cannot be more than one kind of perfection in any one kind of attribute or category; similarly, there can only be one (metaphysically speaking) "Ultimate Perfection." That is given purely by definition. However, the actual existence of any kind of "Ultimate Perfection" i.e. God cannot be deduced by this definition, and the discussion of that topic is way beyond the scope of this blog. Nonetheless, let it suffice to say that based on the implications of the definition of "perfection", the concept of God appears extremely conflicting and contradictory, thereby rendering the existence of that god highly dubious. I'll let you work that one out for yourself.

Coming back to my discussion of romantic relationships, when an individual gets into a romantic relationship with another person, there might arise expectations from and for each other that might be objectively well beyond the scope of the individuals to provide or meet in that relationship. In other words, one's perceptions of the other person (this mental picture of the other person) might be not be fully realized in real life. That idea of a perfect partner becomes not only elusive, but impossible.

I have always believed in the sanctity of love between people. I don't have much respect for marriage, either instituted by the society or by some church. Love may or may not exist in both, the married state and the unmarried state. I used to believe that romantic love, the highest form of eros, can only be shared between two people. I believed that inorder for eros to be at its highest form, only one person by definition could be the object of such intense desire and profound admiration; One loves another and is immersed in the beauty and passion of that bond. One partakes in the mutual beauty shared by that relationship, and thus they are together called lovers.

However, if one loved more than one person at the same time, or felt some resemblance of love for more than one person, then I suppose that love has not reached its pinnacle in any of the partakers. Love, it seems to me, is in this situation distrubuted among the partakers of the relationship, thus effectively reducing each individual's capacity to experience eros fully. Each person involved in such a relationship, then, is unable to give or receive entirely from their full capacity to love.

I believed that only two people can share entirely from their mutual capacity to love, and be able to love each other to their fullest extent. I believed this was possible and achievable. I believed that one can, and sometimes does, find that one special person who becomes the receptor of their entire capacity to love. Obviously then, such thinking lent great credence to the concept of monogamous relationships. Again, I have no care for the context within which these monogamous relationships arise, only that they do.

Then, the implications of the nature of eros as described above reveals that monogamy can be the only system within which a claim to moral certitude can be made. Since true love, the highest and purest form of love can only be achieved between two individuals, to call anything else that might exist romantically between more than two persons as love would be akin to emotional and intellectual embezzlment. But, a proper moral code does not make room for willful dishonesty or deception. Thus, when an individual claims to experience a deep and profound sense of romantic love for another, it can only be pure and honest love if it is exclusively felt for that one person. In other words, experiencing a kind of romantic interest for more than one person at the same time cannot be seen as an experience of the highest form of love that one can offer another. Similarly, making claims to an experience of profound, romantic love for more than one person is purely dishonest.

Moreover, I believed that maintaining a semblance of a monogamous relationship while engaging in strictly sexual encounters without any emotional involvement is also a breach of committment in the relationship. Romantic love is not only cerebral or emotional and therefore, cannot be constrained as such. The true achievement of eros requires, by definition, the amalgamation of the physical, the emotional, and the cerebral. Taking any one of these parts out of the experience of eros diminishes the quality of that love, rendering it to nothing more than infatuation, fascination, admiration, or lust.

Having said all of the above, I have now decided that I would like to change my mind. I realize that my analysis of the concept of monogamy, and it's moral implications, are logically sound and appear to parallel mainstream thinking in society. However, recently I re-evaluated my ideas and came to realize that I may have accepted some faulty premises while constructing my moral argument for monogamy. Thus, now I believe that humans can, should, and most likely do indulge in romantic love (whether deliberately or unwittingly) with more than one person at the same time. I now believe that monogamy is purely one of the myriad of relationship choices that humans can choose to engage in. I also believe that like monogamy, all of the other relationship choices involving consenting adults (including purely sexual relationships) have fully consistent morality.

LOVE: YOUR HEART AND DATING

Women often tell me that men confuse them and that they are unsure what a man is really looking for. They have tried to please them in the past and it hasn't worked so no, the man can concentrate on pleasing them or leave. If the media is to be believed, many women don't care what a man is looking for anymore because they have been empowered by their own sexuality and are comfortable in their new role as sexually liberated career woman in charge of their own destiny. In which case, as long as the man wants them, that is fine.

It doesn't matter whether that view is actually true or not. What is true is that the modern man is increasingly struggling to find his place in the world. Hell I know I am. Any woman reading this may say well it's a problem for men and they should deal with it. Absolutely I can reply, but you cannot expect miracles instantly. Generations of history dictating a man's role and function cannot be decided and altered in the space of 20 years without some fallout. Few can argue against the excitement felt by women as their empowerment continues but at the same time, one must expect issues to coincide with this. And one of those as I said is the question of understanding what the modern man is looking for.

Men have started to evolve and are starting to grasp the fact that their role may not be as it once was. 'Starting' is the operative word because this does not mean that there aren't large swathes of the world where men insist on being the breadwinner and women should still remain at home rearing children. It is going to take a long time to change the world. However in our western cities a change is in full swing. Men know that to find a mate they are going to have to work harder than ever before and they are aware that women call the shots far more than ever before. But this doesn't essentially change what a man is looking for.

Okay so what is a man seeking?

First of all a man is seeking a love-interest. This may surprise many women but men like to love and they like being loved in return. The problem is that many women come across as impassioned and cold. And I mean cold and uncaring and not kind. It is not easy to find a loving woman and it is very noticeable how many men try and hang on when they think they have found their Miss Right.

Men are seeking a woman who is attractive to them. Women may despair that men can be so shallow and that looks could matter so much but be careful. Men aren't necessarily looking for a catwalk model and many men don't like women who weigh 80lbs. But men do want a woman who takes pride in their appearance (though not excessively). Men are proud of having a girlfriend who looks good and I don't believe any man who says otherwise.

Men are looking for a trustworthy girl, someone they can have faith in and someone who will be there for them. This may sound like an odd thing to say, but the fact is, some women are not trustworthy and many are not faithful either. So many in fact that men are increasingly wary. That kiss at a Christmas party may not count, or the flirtatious behavior with the gorgeous barman and in fact its all great fun and part of a woman's character. But reverse the situation and as a woman, you hate him doing the same. A man can never forgive a woman being unfaithful and so he is looking for someone who he really does trust.

Men want to make a home eventually and are looking for a woman who will be a willing sharer in home life. Women with a sociable lifestyle are attractive because they can be relied upon to keep the social diary running in a long term relationship.

Men are seeking women who are feminine gentle and kind because deep down the qualities that make a woman a great mother are an attraction in themselves. I am not suggesting that the man himself needs mothering, though some do, it is more the point that men seek the attributes in women that point to someone who would make a great mother to future offspring.

Men want women with a great sense of humor. Women often come across as uptight or too bothered by too many small details. You will sometimes hear mention of a girl who is 'one of the boys'. What this means is that she is able to fit in with their humor and is sociable and fun to be with. Such women are extremely attractive to many men. Men want to have a good time and relax when not working and so their ideal partners are women who are able to do the same.

Men are looking for women who retain their femininity and and are caring and kind. In recent years, aping men may be a female fashion statement, but it doesn't make them attractive. Whilst every woman in the world burps and farts and has the right to drink pints of beer, it doesn't necessarily attract them to the opposite sex. Women can get angry and say well men will just have to get used to it, but the issue is that they don't. They can just choose not to go for women who act in the same way as their drinking buddies.

Men want someone who is supportive. Many women are quick to criticize men in their behavior, career and set about trying to alter them and mould them. This is a crucial mistake. Men can be manipulated yes, but they see their partnerships as support systems. The best relationships work both ways in terms of support. Where a woman is not able or willing to give that support and is too quick to criticize then she may lose her man.

Men don't like angry women who shout. They want a woman who can debate and converse and is able to discuss. Communication is king. A fiery passionate temperament may have made you interesting and challenging on day one. But by day 500 it holds no glory whatsoever.

Men love a challenging woman, someone who keeps them on their toes. Men are generally lazy in relationships once they feel they're in secure territory. When a man is challenged so he does something about it. If you want to keep your man interested, keep him challenged.

Men are generally more reserved about sex than women. This is my experience is a fact. Men know what they like in bed and tend to stick to it. The adventurous sexual appetite in most men isn't there even if they are convinced it is. Men in reality are quite conservative. Sexually adventurous has nothing to do with having lots of partners and more to do with the things they will try with the same partner. I have had models who suck in bed and plain jane who were amazing....I would rather be with plain jane than the models.


Men want a woman who will commit to them. Though increasingly this is hard to find, it doesn't take away the wish. Men want a girlfriend who they can share with and trust and be open with. Commitment is not a one way street and therefore men are struggling to find the levels of commitment they found previously. But the need is still there.

Men don't want to be alone.

A modern man is seeking a reliable, sexy, single girl with whom he can have a long term relationship with. He wants to have fun, share his life and ultimately settle down. There are a few long term bachelors but not that many. The problem guys have is that the world has changed. They don't necessarily want to have children and settle down straight away, but it will come. They do seek self-respect even if they are not the primary breadwinner and they seek respect from their partner.

Whilst women become increasingly strong in their new roles in society, it is worth remembering that it takes, and always will take, two to tango.

Okay, so you date people hoping that one of these days you will come across the right person, the one you will make the greatest romantic connection with. But does it feel like you are going nowhere and believe that you just have no luck with meeting the right people? Feel like you are lost and doomed in this whole dating business? Stop feeling sorry for yourself!

The reality of this situation is that luck has nothing to do with it. If you are like many people, you are probably dating blindfolded, without even realizing that you are doing so. If you feel unsuccessful and dissatisfied with your dating patterns, then it is time for you to take a few steps back to see where things went wrong for you. Think you have been doing everything right? Think again! If you look back, you will be surprised to learn that you got so caught up in just the whole dating experience, that you forgot what to look out for and neglected your true needs and desires. What are you really looking for in a lover? What are your needs and desires? What qualities are important for a person to have and what other qualities are you willing to compromise with and accept?

Getting back in touch with what you are really looking for will help prevent you from staying in the dating scene forever. It is essential that you observe your actions and decisions, making sure that you do not continue to date certain people in the name of dating. If you find that you are not sharing the connection you crave with a person, then you must discontinue with dating that person. Sure, you will feel bad for hurting that persons feelings, but what you must remember is that there is nothing too personal or emotional between the two of you anyway, so just throw that excuse out- and just break it off, in a polite manner of course! This is where so many get stuck, mistaking casual trial dates, with a personal and emotional relationship. This may sound too businesslike for your taste, but this is the way it goes in the real world of dating. If you spend your time trying to spare people hurt or disappointment, then you have been doing it all wrong. This does not mean that you have to be harsh and rude, but it does mean that you have to make finding the right person a first and high priority for, not worrying about what other people with think of you.

Which moves us to the next essential point in dating. While it is normal that you fix yourself up to make a great impression on your date, it is not the most important thing that you should focus on. In fact, so many dating singles out there worry so much about what their date will think, that they totally forgot the purpose of the date- to find out whether or not they will find the connection they are seeking. No matter how you fix yourself and what manners or personality you put on, you will never be in control of what your date will think or feel about the date, so set that unnecessary stress aside. Instead, shift your focus about what you will think about him or her. Observe everything about them. Do YOU like their appearance? Does their personality appeal to YOU? Do YOU feel that you are making a good connection? As you can see, it is what you think that is important here, because you are the one looking for the right person, as well as certain qualities. Leave what they think, up to them!

The fear of being single forever can cloud your good judgment, causing you to continue seeing a person who you know you are not entirely satisfied with. You will do this because you will try to convince yourself that maybe you have been too picky and being with anybody, even if you are not crazy about him or her, is better than nobody. Stop lying to yourself! You do not have to get stuck with someone you are not entirely happy with, nor do you have to be single forever. Being honest and up front from the beginning is what will get you where you want to be and whom you want to be with. Do not worry that you may scare off someone by telling him or her exactly what expectations you have and how serious of a relationship you are looking for. Look at this way, if they get scared that quickly, then it is a sign that they were not looking for the same thing as you are, so it saves you time and you can then move on to dating someone else.

As long as you get real with yourself, stop making excuses, know what your really want, stick to it and make it clear to the people that you date, then you will be safe from too many mixed messages, misunderstandings and frustrations. When you treat your goal of meeting the right person seriously and important, then you will stay motivated to find him or her, and when you do- you will finally be able to begin the kind of relationship that you have always longed for, needed and deserve.

Most woman will be asking themselves Does Mr. Right exist? Is he out there somewhere? Will I find him?

Mr. Right is a key subject for many women and an inspiration of hope on a daily basis. Yes he may well exist, yes he is probably out there and yes you WILL find him!In recent years the terms Mr. Right and Miss Right have become over used and devalued. Almost as if we have a chart on our wall , an extensive tick list, a resume of specifics that the person in question must submit to get his foot through the door of the "potentials" interview.

Most woman would deny they are that bad and hope that chance will take a hand in bringing Mr. Right to them. They accept that they have a small but insignificant "list" and accept that there are some 'definites' on it which are nonnegotiable, but they are fairly minor. Or are they? The fact of the matter is that as the decades have passed by, most woman have become far more sophisticated, as humans, as individuals, as lovers and mates. They know how to orgasm, have a good salary and a nice home and are well educated in the ways of the world. Therefore it is only fair that they seek someone to match, to fit in, to adapt, to accompany, to facilitate. And there lays the issue.

The fact is that Mr. Right also has a tick list, an agenda, only a small one of course, but a list all the same, and he is ticking off your assets as we speak. He wants someone young, someone well educated, someone good looking and in shape. Typical man most woman sigh. Yet are they any better? Look at your list and look very carefully at what or who constitutes your Mr. Right. And then look again. Are you sure first of all that your tick list is achievable? Yes, or are you willing to negotiate? Okay so you are happy with your list. Then what?

Well now, are you willing to go out and get your Mr. Right or are you waiting for him to come to you? Many women tell me they are waiting for Mr. Right. The word "waiting" concerns me. By waiting it means men come to you by chance, perhaps by design and you tick off their assets, your check them out and then cast off anyone who doesn't match your list. Maybe you do, but remember this my friends, Mr. Right is looking for his Miss Right? How much work have you put into being Miss Right or should he accept you as you are and fit in around you? If he did slot in to your life would he really be Mr. Right or an accouterment, an asset, a trinket that you would get bored of?

Most men simply want someone to love, someone who they can dote on in their own ways and who they can feel special and share with. The problem for them is that they are not finding it because they are constantly under 'resume-pressure'. They are told they must adapt and fit in, they are trying to fulfill their part of the list bargain and then they are faced with the Miss Rights out there.

LOVE: CAN'T FIND MR. RIGHT? COMPROMISE

You are a 37 year old career woman; your job gives you the social and financial status you need to enjoy a comfortable and stable lifestyle. You know what you want out of life and you're on your way to achieving it. None of your previous relationships lasted long enough for you to settle down and fall in love. But as a single person you are now finding out how difficult it is to find a man who can compliment your lifestyle. Lately you've been a little anxious; you're not getting any younger.

Your ideal; man must possess enough pizzazz to at least be able to further stimulate your already fulfilling life. Not too much to ask.--Right' You keep a long list of requirements your ideal man must fulfill. But are you being realistic?

I've asked several career women to describe their ideal mate. Here are some of the answers I received; Soul mate, emotionally secure, financially stable, and intellectually stimulating, a good sense of humor, a gentleman, not afraid to express love and affection, ready to commit and accept responsibility. In addition, he must be reasonably good looking, in good physical shape and sexy, and it won't hurt if he is a good dancer. Wow!

It's not that such men don't exist but how available are they? Hence how realistic are these expectations. Remember, men who meet these requirements, may also have their lists of must haves in a mate. And maybe, just maybe, you may not meet these requirements. So you may come face to face with this reality; two people seeking perfection in each other with no intention of budging until they find it. The sad part is that some people hold out for years determined to find their Mr. Right. The fallout is an army of eligible individuals approaching the age of 40 living lonely and unhappy lives.

So what is the solution? --- Compromise.? --- I can just hear you saying. Compromise? Why should I? I set my standards and by no means am I going to settle for less than I deserve. And you're right. Sometimes accepting second best may work for a while, but no matter how good things turn out, you may always be dissatisfied believing you could have done better.

The good news is that compromise does not always mean settling for less. And since no one is perfect, there is no harm in modifying your requirements to accommodate someone you consider worth while. However, it must always be your decision. You and no one else know how much you are willing to compromise or sacrifice to achieve happiness in a relationship.

Five ways to Compromise without settling

1. Be Approachable.

A self confident independent woman may assume that eligible men would see her as a valuable asset to a relationship and flock her for dates. More often than not this does not happen. Why? Men may not openly admit it, but an attractive independent and self confident woman can be intimidating to them. And many times men overlook them assuming they are already spoken for.

Some of the career women I interviewed however said. Men hesitate to date us because they feel our standards are not easy to live up to. Men on the other hand say they can quickly recognize a woman's unwillingness to compromise in a relationship, and it's for this reason they shy away.

Five ways to make your self more approachable.

* Let the world know you are single.

* Be friendly. Initiate conversations by asking questions and making interesting statements. Show interest when listening to others.

* Don't be aggressive. Smile, -- a pleasant relaxed smile without being false.

* Use your sense of humor. You don't have to be a stand-up comic --- simply reply humorously to questions. ---- make people feel relaxed in your presence.

* Don't appear to take up a lot of space when in the presence of others. This sends a signal of power and superiority, according to nationally acclaimed body language expert Patti Woods who says. Women who want men to approach them must show that there is room for someone else in their lives.

2. Modify your perception of Mr. Right

Since childhood you've had a mental picture of the person with whom you will fall in love and eventually marry. The fact that you have not found him until now could mean, 1. He is a rare specie. 2. You do not easily attract this type of man. Perhaps it's time to consider changing your outlook. This of course is much more easily said than done; childhood perceptions can be difficult to erase, but consider this.

Say your perception of Mr. Right has always been a man who is tall, handsome, debonair and physically fit, but every relationship you've had with such men failed. You may want to stop and ask yourself why. And after careful consideration, you may conclude your image of Mr. Right might be a lifelong fantasy that bears no relevance to the person you are now.

Another example is a woman who grew up with parents who always struggled to make ends meet, may instinctively be drawn to a man who possesses all the attributes of a good provider. She is attracted to this type of man although she is fully aware that like herself, today's woman is capable of providing for herself and family. So instead of clinging to your lifelong fantasies and holding out for yesterday's Mr. Right, change your focus to include men who can compliment your life as it is today.

3. Be flexible in your dating choices.

Always keep an open mind. Not everyone will be a perfect match, so don't eliminate a prospect because at first glance he does not meet your requirements. Get to know him better and allow nature to take its course. You may be pleasantly surprised. He may impress you in so many other ways that not driving a Ferrari or looking like Arnold Swartzenegger no longer are important issues to you.

4. Let go of past prejudices

You may have eliminated a certain group or groups of men from your list of eligible prospects. Perhaps you had an unpleasant experience with one or more of these groups and vowed never to date for example, another married or divorced man or even a musician. That was when you thought finding Mr. Right would be easy. But prejudging a man before you spend at least an evening with him may cause you to miss an opportunity of finding the one that's right for you.

5. Look again at the people around you.

Overlooking the people around you is common when your primary focus is finding the perfect partner. Most likely you may have already decided no one you know fits the picture. Take a step backwards and look at the people you already know; for example guys you date casually. Even though you have eliminated them as your possible Mr. Perfect, you may still maintain friendships with them. Perhaps you share common interests or maybe one or more of them is in love with you but never got the chance to let you know. It won't hurt to open your mind once again to the possibilities, give them a second chance. Sometimes our decision to be flexible can cause us to see things from a different perspective; and changing our outlook may open a floodgate of possibilities we never knew existed before.