LOVE: ANGER AND BEING ABUSED

Most nice guys feel responsible for other's people lack of understanding.If my ex seem irritated, I would try to discover what kinds of things upset her and will try to avoid them. So many of us do accept responsibility for another person's anger especially when it is unexpected and completely unjustified. We believe that the person who is anger at us is rational in their behavior toward us, so they must have "some reason" for what they did. I believe that one of the belief that hasn't work for nice guys is this :if someone is angry at us, we somehow how hurt them. We also feel responsible for other people's happiness. I have learned to overlook unkindness, disrespect as something not as important enough to stand up to. I always feel that my feeling are wrong.

I would forget the "bad" times. I get into these relationship where my self-esteem is gradually diminished without me realizing it. I lose self-confidence without realizing it. You are brainwashed to believe you are wrong and the other person is right. Sign of abuse:

1-Withholding...a relationship require intimacy. Withholding is a abuse. TO hold back one's thoughts, feelings, hopes, body..to oneself and remain silent and aloof toward one's partner is not good

2-Discounting your feeling, thoughts or point of view. People who are abuser will discount your feeling..>>>telling you YOUR FEELINGS AND EXPERIENCE ARE WRONG..THEY ARE WORTH NOTHING. Do you know how many times I heard this?
-you're too sensitive
-you blow everything out of proportion
-you take things too seriously

3-Judging and Criticizing ....they disguised it as help or advice.

4- They Threaten you...by bringing out your greatest fear
-do what i want or i'll leave
-do what i want or I'll get angry

5-Denial...

There is no way you can prevent someone from being angry at you. Speaking more gently, listening more attentively, being more supportive, will not work. Attempt to find out what is wrong simply do not work. I realize when someone get anger at me..it does affect me deeply, It throw me off balance and disrupt my equilibrium and batter my spirit. I tried ignoring it ..saying to myself.." I am strong, she doesn't meant what she said...this only reinforce bad behavior



I found this interesting article that i want to share:

Mind Reading while Dating
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For many people, dating is an exercise in mind reading. Do you know what I mean?

When you are starting to date someone, isn't your mind busy analyzing your date's every action? Does he like me? What does she mean by that? Will he call again? Did I say the right thing and will she take it wrong? Will he reject me or judge me? What
does he really feel? What does she want?

The funny thing is that most of us don't admit to believing in psychics and mind readers, and yet we try to mind-read ourselves when dating.

Mind reading seldom if ever works. It is simply not possible to accurately interpret another person's actions, thoughts and feelings without input from them. Mind reading can lead you down the wrong road about your new relationship and will definitely
drive you crazy.

Are you ready to stop driving yourself crazy by trying to figure out others' thoughts, feelings and emotions? Then it's time to welcome a new life with fewer headaches, more sleep and more pleasant dating through communication.

All you have to do is assume "it's not personal" and communicate.

Assume it's not personal
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In mind reading, you would assume that another's actions are a direct reflection of what the person thinks and feels about you. The truth is that even when you are in a long-term relationship, very little of your partner's actions have to do with you. This is even more profoundly so in dating situations.

What the other person is doing or saying, or not doing or saying, has very little to do with you and a lot to do with his or her life experience, way of being and current circumstances.

If he or she is rigid or uncomfortable, it may have very little to do with you. It could just as easily be because he or she does not do first conversations well, or is feeling unattractive, overwhelmed, anxious, etc. If he or she ends a first date early, it could be that you were not the right person or it could be that negative emotions just got the best of him or her. Even if ultimately the person you went out with does not choose to date you, that choice is about him or her and is not
a comment on your date-worthiness.

Communicate
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In mind reading, you would respond to another according to your interpretation of his or her actions. He or she would in turn respond to you according to his or her interpretation of your actions, and on and on and on.

Without mind reading and hence interpretation, the logical step is to communicate. Ask questions. Share your feelings. Ask for what you want. Expand your communication repertoire. As long as you are gentle and respectful, you can say almost anything to
anyone without causing an adverse reaction.

Communicating instead of mind-reading will open the door to new understandings and new connections. You will from time to time meet someone who resists participating in an open and flowing conversation, but this resistance is rooted in what's going on
in the other person's life and is not about you.

When you play the mind-reading game you set yourself up for craziness and often for disappointment, resentment, fear and anxiety. Once you stop playing the game, realize what's going on with the other person is not personal, and start communicating,
you'll notice a dramatic change in your peace of mind and the quality of your dating experience.




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When i was at school..we conducted an experiment. We place a frog into a pan of hot water. The frog jumped out. We then place the frog into a pan of cool water and slowly raised the temperature. The frog adapted until it boiled to death.

Just like the frog, we adapt very gradually. We are not inclined to notice gradual changes and hence we live in a environment which kills our spirit. We get this conditioning from our family. To stop being a nice guy we must change our point of view. In my relationship, i felt that my partner was the rational one and i was the irrational one. The belief that my mate is behaving logically is one of the primary cause of my confusion. She might be nice to me one moment and get upset the next. These rapid changes only confuse me more. If we are told by people around us with increasing frequency that we are too illogical, too sensitive, always has to be right..etc...we become conditioned to accept more and more abuse while experience more and more self-doubt. It undermine our self-perception. Cliches have been passed down to us as well:

-Love conquers all...if we are more loving and accepting ....she will reciprocate
-be nice and they be nice to you...so if someone yell at you, it because you weren't nice...come on.
-never give up.....if you give up in understanding someone...you are a faliure
-keep smiling...if you are optimism, you will find a way to understand people
-stick and stones may break your bones,but words will never hurt you...
if you believe this then that no matter what people say to you should feel hurt
-you should accept other the way they are....
-if you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all....

It is time to realize that in any HEALTHY relationship, one person doesn't yell at, put down or hurt the other and infringe upon your personal dignity. You have the right:

-to be heard by other and responded to with courtesy
-right to have your own feeling and experience acknowledge
-right to live free from blame and criticism

It is important to completely accept your own perceptions and your own feelings. When you define your own reality as separate and different, you gain clarity, self-esteem. Knowing what other people tell you about yourself is not true. Denial is a violation of your boundary. If your experience is denied or discounted, the person has invaded your boudnaries. She has moved through then as if to enter your mind and then has claimed to know what your experience actually is. So remember the following:

YOU CAN TRUST YOUR OWN FEELING AND PERCEPTION
YOU ARE NOT THE CAUSE OF ANOTHER'S IRRITATIONS, ANGER
YOU CAN SAY NO TO WHAT YOU DO NOT LIKE OR WANT
YOU ARE A WORTHWHILE PERSON
YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT
YOU DECIDE FOR YOURSELF WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU

You have to listen to your feeling. All the pain was there because your soul knew it wasn't right before you knew it. It's wrong to be where you're put down and yelled at, no matter how much the person saying they are not putting you down and not yelling.

It all start at home..just like Dr. Glover(No More Mr. Nice Guy) believes and John Bradshaw(Heal The Shame That Bind You). Our parent=God to your infant eyes. They were everything to us. How can our parents be wrong..it is impossible. The only alternative we had was to believe that something must be wrong with the way we were, how we express ourselves, how we came across, or possibly with our feeling and experience of reality itself. We suffer and hence this allow us to have empathy and compassion for others. The one thing we didn't know was WHY we were suffering. Surely, the one who said they love you would not be so upset with me, would not yell, nor tell me what was wrong with me, unless there was something wrong with the way I was. I search for answer all my life...to why I felt defective. Why wasn't I happy? Why do things never go my way? Why does every relationship I have fail? I wanted answers. Your self-doubt increase when you get older when what your heard in childhood is reiterated in adulthood. All my life my parents, my friends, my teachers, were telling me what I felt...what I know was wrong. That I was defective. If my partner was not wrong, if she was not lying, if I did take things wrong, then I could believe only that "something must be wrong with the way I am, how i express myself, how I come across or possibility with my feelings and experience of reality itself."

The real truth was there is nothing wrong with me. I don't need to search anymore. I am not defective. My childhood association is just that...a mistake I made. If I am doing any...i am improving myself not because I am defective but because i want to be the best that I can be so I can share it all with the person I am with. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME....I AM NOT DEFECTIVE.....this is just how life is.....no one gets everything they want, no one is happy 24/7, no one has a better life than i do...they might have a different life...but better...NO