LOVE: THE SHADOW SELF AND LOVE

I sometimes want to plop my head down and take a nap during work, only to instead hoist myself straight. I have random sexual thoughts about the most inappropriate people only to shut them down with disapproval before they really get going. Rather than a single identity, in truth we are a multiple personality. If there's a well-mannered you, there's also a know it all you. What makes this healthy as opposed to pathological is that once you're aware of all your selves, it's possible to roam freely among them. The less you attempt to restrict of banish them, the more they come together as a whole. If you generally see yourself as a busy. outgoing person, you will no longer thin that somethings wrong when you're struck by periods of melancholy and isolation. If you generally see yourself as a peaceful nonviolent person, you will no longer feel mortified when given to fantasies of murderous rage. Among your many selves, there will always be those you'd rather not have. They may seem irritating. counterproductive, downright shameful. Nevertheless, they exist. Just as all the surrounding characters within yourself.

Let's say you've worked hard to establish a strong sense of independence. You take care of yourself well, and purposely avoid situations that would cause you to rely unduly on others. But then you find yourself feeling suddenly needy. The most challenging shadow selves by far are the ones who can't name because you're not even aware of them. These aspect of yourself are so unacceptable or terrifying that they've been driven deep into your unconscious. You can't work with them, of course. till you know they're present. If you hate rude people, take it as a sign that you have a hidden obnoxious self. If you can't stand people who express every little feeling, recognize the self in you that needs to let it all out. If you recoil at insincere people, be aware that you possess a phony self. You may insist that no such shadow exist within you...but trust me they do.

A relationship ensues when two people are lured together by the thrill of infatuation. In this heightened state, they feel bigger, better, and happier. They usually can't be bothered by an investigation of this state, which often less about lasting love and more about make-believe. Then when the onrush of infatuation fades, they're beset by host of doubts. The doubt all centers on one question: Can we truly give one another what we want and need?Struggling with such a question often leads to the kind of stress that can doom a relationship right at the outset. As you learn to fulfill your own heart's desire, however, you no longer expect others to do so. Nor do you seek to fulfill the heart of another, since clearly that's not your job. Freed from these impossible expectations, you're now able to evaluate a new relationship differently. Your focus can shift from future outcome to present experience. Rather than losing yourself in a swoon or shutting down with doubt, you can yield to the rhythm of the dance.

A decision about commitment is a major turning point. Sustained intimacy, by contract, takes root over countless minor moments. It requires that you surrender routine in every aspect of relationships. Any commitment, once you decide to make it, must be continually renewed. When each day of your life is alive with the decision to stay or leave, nothing is ever rote. Staying becomes as electric as your first date. If you yet to know to commit or not. let your body communicate what it does know. This can help you find the deepest source of your uncertainty, and cut through the repetitive chatter of resistant thought. Thoughts like maybe she isn't emotionally available and I'm not sure she really gets me can rarely be debated to resolution. When you ask your body to weight in, however, you'll always get a quick "yes" , "no" or not sure.

LOVE TURNS ONE PERSON INTO TWO, AND TWO INTO ONE