DATING: ONCE A SLUT ( BAD GIRL).....ALWAYS A SLUT (BAD GIRL)

This is the problem with being a slut; once the numbers get rolling, they will keep on rolling. Now don’t get all politically correct on me and tell me that there is a big difference between a hooker and a slut. Sure, one gets paid to sleep around and one does it just for fun- but that just means that sluts are really dumb hookers. If you’re going to be passed around the table, you may as well get compensated for it.

In all seriousness though, I am sorry to say that once you actually do cross over to the dark side of slutdom, it’s near impossible to go back. The fact is, the more people that you want to have sex with, the more people you will continue to want to have sex with- laws of nature.

How do I know this to be true? From experience. I meet new women all the time, and if I set my mind to it, I usually end up sleeping with them. I don’t do this to “add them to my collection” or put another “notch in my belt.” I threw out the belt quite some time ago and, to be honest, have no idea how many holes I put in it...just being honest. And my intention with all these woman was to settle down but for one reason or another...it didn't work out that way.

I do this for two reasons. One: I like to have sex. Two: I do know exactly what I am looking for in a woman,  the fastest way for me to find out if a woman I just met may potentially be wife material is to fuck them. Why put up with weeks or even months of chasing or celibate dating to find out that the person’s favorite position is the dead fish? Bang’em after the first or second date and you’ll have your answer right there and then- simple.


One thing that I came to realize, however, is that it’s not easy to find someone that you actually click with. Great, right? Just keep on fucking randoms until you do- well, it turns out that sex is addicting.


Sleeping with new people is addicting. You may find the love of your life and be happy with them for years. But then, sooner or later, you will start to think about all those thighs you haven’t had the pleasure of exploring, all those bodies you never experienced, and all those sexual personalities you never got a chance to fuse with for a short blissful instance.


Polygamy is part of human nature. Most people are able to handle it, but they’ve been drinking from a limited number of cups. If you’ve only had wine from Napa, then you’ll be happy with Napa for the rest of your life; taste wine from all over the world, on the other hand, and you will continue to crave wine from different vineyards until the day you die.

Women spend far too much time trying to mold themselves into something they are not; something pure and smaller than themselves. They try to make themselves “girlfriend or wife” material. I knew a girl who told me that she had a low sex drive and can live without sex for long time. Guess what, within 3 weeks she had another dick inside of her. Who was she kidding? Me or herself? I know she is a slut, but she is in total denial. Sleeping with 4 guys in less than year...is a lot.  I know the reason why she does it:

1-she get bored easily: she enjoy variety. There are so many different and ridiculously attractive guys out there, each with something to offer.

2-She is non-committal

3-She is a fan of physical satisfaction. She love feeling his mouth on her nipples, kissing her  body, licking her everywhere. She want his hands on her hips, pulling her  hair, or holding her close.  Deep inside she  love watching a man’s face when he climaxes

4-She has this curiosity factor. If he’s a good kisser,  she wonder what he’s like in bed. If he looks good with his clothes on, she want to see what’s underneath. She fantasize about what he will do to her when we’re alone. She is like a young Samantha Jones in Sex In The City.

5-She judge the men she sleep with on appearance.  It’s a very shallow way to live

6-She wants alpha child

Can I slut change is the question now:

Once a slut always a slut because she can still savours the taste of her past escapades in her mouth . The woman I mention about  told me she changed because  got hurt enough and suffered enough.

I don't think so.

My thoughts:  The crushing forces of reality are no match for wishfully thinking snowflakes. Her pussy had taken  4 cocks in one year. If a snowflake decides she’s going to be a virgin again, so shall it be. The problems should be obvious. It’s not as if she can simply cast of the tremendous emotional baggage she has acquired of offering her pussy to men who, and rightly so, never in their wildest dreams would have considered her long-term material. Furthermore, she has an entire lifetime to account for that led to her being a slut. Waking up one day and vowing to be a slut no more just doesn’t cut it. People have a hard enough time changing even trivial habits, why should a woman who has poor impulse control to look back upon find it easy to not take cock anymore?

 Once a slut, always a slut. As they age, their sexual market value drops precipitously, so her choices will be between not getting laid (because quality guys have better prospects) or just keep doing what they always have been doing (being sluts).

But Don’t guys like us fuck a lot of women? Unfortunately, for them, there is a very big difference: for a woman to get laid, all it takes is giving in. The guy makes all the moves. As a guy, though, you need to make an active effort. If you don’t do anything, you won’t get laid.  As a consequence, it is a lot easier for a guy, once he decides to settle down, to keep his dick in his pants.

Is being a slut "bad"?  Not at all unless of course people are getting hurt emotionally or physically (or being threatened to get hurt).  "people" includes you as well.

We live in a world of many double standards between the two sexes, some of which make sense and can be defended. For example, it’s okay for an older man to date a younger woman, but not the other way around because a man’s value often rises with age while a woman’s does not. This is a double standard no doubt, but one that is backed up by biological reality.

Because of the stereotypes associated with being a slut. I'll list a few off the top of my head:

1. Sluts have no self respect
2. Sluts use sex to get what they want (money, alpha sperm)
3. Sluts use sex to avoid their own personal issues (usually 'daddy issues')
4. Sluts are hard to make friends with,
5. Sluts are not emotionally mature people

She’s a slut because she needs to feel wanted. Desired. Sexual. She needs to remind herself that she can. That there are other men out there. But she doesn’t want you to love her. To call. To treat her with any semblance of respect. She doesn’t respect herself because how can she?


She’ll fuck you, and you, and you – one after the other, filling up and filling up but never being filled for long enough. She’ll begin to pride herself on not being like the other girls. Of keeping you at a distance. Ignoring you once you’ve peeled off the condom and flung it in the trash or even fuck her without once she know you are clean.. She can’t love herself so she sure as hell couldn’t love your child. She’s a slut because none of you are the answer. She’ll be wet for you. Turned on as all hell. You might even make her come. But it won’t be from being inside her.


Nobody is saving her from herself.She doesn’t know, yet, that she needs to save herself.She’s a slut because it helps. It’s less about the act of fucking you, and more about what it does to her ego to get there. That she can control you. She’s in the driving seat of saying just the right amount of provocative. Master of making your pupils dilate in thrilled shock.


She’s not a bad person. She’s not a Madonna, nor is she a total whore. She has friends, and a job, and is liked and respected and popular enough. She commands attention because she’s so in control, so measured, so aware of the cracks she’ll let other people see. Most will be fooled by it. Most will marvel at her confidence and her “go for it” attitude. Concede that she must really have her shit together. But then there will be one or two who linger behind, say less, hold something back because they see it. They see that she’s playing make believe and doesn’t even recognize it herself. They don’t trust it, and they shouldn’t.




Sluts have cornered the market on low self-esteem. Being a slut is like Ford Motors in 1919—an assembly line cranking out the same product. The perpetual search for validation through giving up the pussy is how the whole vicious cycle of chronic low self-esteem continues. It’s like the little train that couldn’t get her shit together.

Studies have shown that sluts are suckers’ bets for LTRs or marriage.  You want to marry or have a loving long-term relationship with a girl without an elevated risk that she’ll divorce you or cheat on you? Then you had better get good real fast at screening the sluts from the relatively chaste girls so that you can lavish your resources and commitment on the latter. The Social Pathologist has crunched the numbers, and  the verdict is in: women with lots of past partners are more likely to divorce than women who didn’t take a self-empowering spin on the cock carousel.

Even “average” women with “only” five past lovers — women that few men would admit in public qualify as sluts — see an increase in odds of divorce to 70%. What man would want to screw his chances by marrying that? No wonder woman react so vehemently to accusations of sluttidue

Basically gentlemen, if you want to beat the sordid odds and enter a marriage with a less than 50% likelihood it will end in divorce, you need to date virgins or girls who have had only one partner before you. Good luck with that! Of course. The more cocks that have ravaged a woman, the less any one cock will mesmerize her. Sluts may have higher testosterone levels, leading them to cheat and, thus, to increase marital instability. Sluts may get bored faster with any one man. Sluts attract the sorts of men who themselves have no use for monogamous commitment. Sluts may just be fucked in the head.

Betas thinking that all they have to do is hone in on sluts for the easy kill are in for a rude surprise. Sluts want to be properly gamed by an alpha male just as much as good girls. The difference is that sluts will sleep with more alphas, and will jump into bed quicker with them, than will good girls. No girl wants to be labeled a slut (even if she co-opts the term for herself in a vain attempt to de-fang it), which is why women lie about their past number of partners. Women know, deep down, that being less slutty means  better treatment from men

Once a woman has experienced that Alpha dominance, only another Alpha experience can delimit the previous experience.  I told this to the woman I mention above.This is an example of the role conditionality plays in pair bonding. If a woman has had 10 prior lovers who’ve all amounted to beta experiences, an Alpha experience may be all it takes to make her loyal. On the other hand a woman with only one prior Alpha lover may be impossible to convince to be loyal to anyone she sees as a lesser experience. These are the Alpha Widows. In fact, I’d argue that most female initiated infidelity is a result of hypergamous impulse seeking to find its previous level. Women don’t trade down in experience, they are always perceptually trading up.

Men subconsciously judge women’s sluttiness for eminently practical reasons, just as women judge men on a host of alpha benchmarks for similarly practical reasons

 

So, fellow sluts, to conclude this article I will leave you with a truth that deep down you know to be true: we’re screwed; literally.

PERSONAL: I LOVE BEING HORRIBLY STRAIGHTFORWARD

I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, Kiss me harder, and You’re a good person, and, You brighten my day. I live my life as straight-forward as possible.
Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.

Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.

But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.

And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.

We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.

We never know when the bus is coming

PERSONAL: COVER ME WITH YOUR COMPASSION, CARE AND CONSIDERATION

Darling, let me pour you a wine,

Let me share a little intrigue with you

Let me give you something you might like

I know you’re not too sure of wine or whether you’ll even like it. Or maybe you already know you do.

But whichever it is, maybe you’ll like this. Maybe I can give you a little something that changes your day. And if you hate it, it’s still a story, and I’ll finish it for you.

Let me share something that I like.

This is me letting you in.

Let me let you see this edge of my world. Let me show and tell this thing to you that means something to me.

I want you to like it, sure, but moreover I want to offer up a little vulnerability and extend some generosity and take one tiny step in your direction. Let me care for you by giving and sharing.

If I pour you what I think you’ll like, I’m exposing my knowledge and judgment to your feedback. If I share what I like, I’m exposing my tastes and very being to you.

Let me hunter-gather info

Let me learn your palate. Let me figure out the way you like to drink. Let me guess and check.

If you already like wine, I’ll ask which ones. If you don’t, I’ll ask what you normally drink. Either way, I’m dying to know what foods — especially bread and condiments — you most like.

Let me learn what you are (and are not) into, and let me add it to my working knowledge — of whiskey and of you.

Let me have you in this way.

Let me have this sip of intimacy.

Let me in your mouth and throat. Let me watch your eyes and lips as you taste what I’ve done for you. Let me live vicariously for a moment, and recall the way that one was for me. Let’s compare notes. Let’s have this side by side.

Cover me in compassion, consideration, and care.

Give me slow-burn love, low-burn love. Let our lives run thick and smooth like syrup.

Wrap me gently in the ease that is your very being. Submerge me slowly in each moment we regard each other with quiet resolve. Drown out each echo of outside noise.

Pour your touch on me.

Sexually. Sensually. Emotionally. Intellectually.

And above all: Deliberately. Consciously. Conscientiously.

With intent and composure. With the direct, piercing aim of a sharp shooter, pour slowly. With the focus of each moment by moment choice, saturate me.

Pour decision onto me. Cover me with a steady hand.

And I’ll pour equal parts of this all back onto you.

DATING: LOOK BACK ON THE GREATEST CHEMISTRY YOU'VE EVER FELT. ARE YOU WITH THAT PERSON NOW?

You meet him, and there are instant fireworks. You fall into his eyes, and you feel safe in his arms. You cannot believe how easy he is to be with, and the chemistry is off the charts. The soul connection is like no other, and the sex is the best you’ve ever had. This man has to be the one. Finally, you’ve found him, and you thank your lucky stars he’s so amazing.

The relationship takes off like a rocket flying into space, leaving you breathless and floating on cloud nine. You hit it off in every way: physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. You can’t believe this connection, and you both say it’s magical. You spend all your free time together and still can’t get enough of each other.

It’s meant to be, and you know he’s your soul mate. This is a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence. This relationship is everything you ever wanted and then some. You never believed in love at first sight, but now everything has changed… you know it happens, and your relationship is proof!

The texts are flying fast and furious, and the affirmations of love build by the minute. You’re seeing each other constantly, and the sex keeps getting more amazing. You want to introduce each other to family and friends. You’re both talking about vacations, family holidays, living together, and even marriage. This feels like a fairytale come true.

Until… the bomb drops six weeks into the relationship.


All of a sudden, he’s GONE. Out of the blue, he disappeared. No loving texts. No calls. No word. NOTHING. He professed his love, and now he’s forgotten you. But you can’t forget him.

You’re dumbfounded, stunned, shocked. You feel like a dagger was thrust into your heart. You go from intense sadness and tears one minute to raging anger the next. How DARE he leave you, the one he was going to move mountains to love and cherish? The one he was going to live with, marry, and have children with?

How could he do this to you?

Then the anxiety, guilt, second guessing, and self-criticism start. You ask yourself all the questions: Why did this happen? Did I have sex too soon? Was I pushy? Were there signs? What did I do wrong? Was I duped? Did I fall for a player?

You feel like the biggest fool in the world, and you’re still hurting from losing him. You wonder if you’ll ever have those same feelings again.

And you still wonder what happened, so you can make damn sure it never happens again.

There’s a simple answer… you fell for the timeless deception of chemistry.

You fell for the oldest drug on the planet. This drug is so powerful that more lives have been ruined and more future relationships have been crushed from this simple little lie.

There is a belief that instant chemistry will lead to forever after. Lust isn’t love. Big promises aren’t love. Infatuation isn’t love. Chemistry isn’t love. From your experience  how often does amazing off-the-charts chemistry lead to a long-term relationship?

Rarely, and if it does last, it leads to volatile relationships with lots of passion and lots of hurt.

Do you really want that? Nope.


Here’s what happened: the guy rode the roller coaster of chemistry, and then when it started to wear off, he realized for whatever reason he wanted out. Nothing wrong with that, as most relationships don’t last. But instead of seeing you face-to-face and letting you know what he was feeling, his shame at taking you for a ride and not wanting a relationship caused him to flee.



So many woman think that Chemistry is something really important to have on the first date. They are chasing that feeling, they know that feeling, they had that feeling, they been connected to the feeling. So what is it about chemistry? Well it is just a feeling.....it is nothing more than a feeling. Yet we stake everything we have on the possibility of having this chemistry and we judge people instantaneously when we don't feel that thing. even thought we know that intellectually know that having that thing doesn't necessary mean you will have a happy life with that person. 


You don’t have to trust me. Just look back on the greatest chemistry you’ve ever felt and think about how those relationships ended. Who was this person who made your heart sing? Are you sitting next to him? NO. I don't know what further evidence you need to support the idea that chemistry is an illusion.All you have to do is look at your life. Look at the people you had great chemistry with and ask yourself where are they now? What do you do when you meet someone who light you up inside but doesn't give you what you need emotionally.

When you think about what is important in life, why not ask our grandparent or people who been through it and have been married for 40 years or more like I did. "Grandma, what is the secret between you and grandpa?" She is not going to say..."He was so HOT" or "My knee got weak around him".  Most likely she will say,"Friendship. Compatibility

....trust..values..laughter." That is the stuff we should be looking for. And that is the stuff that so many woman don't look for when they are dating. It's next...next...next....let's see who better around the corner.

I’ve long advocated for putting compatibility first, instead of making chemistry or looks the most important factor in your decision-making. Because, as you know, you can get the hottest, tallest, richest guy in the world and you’ll most likely discover that he’s a selfish narcissist who’s just not that into you. Thus, there is wisdom in compromising on looks and chemistry in order to find the happiness that has eluded you when you exalt “attraction” above all.

I did the same thing for a long time. It really wasn't until I realized that I was sabotaging every relationship that I in because because I thought I would be the one guy on earth who will land that mystical woman. You know that one I am talking about. The supermodel, top chef, road scholar. She is going to be mine. A lot of guys are looking for her as well but the problem is SHE DOESN"T EXIST and if she does exist...she doesn't want ME

What happens ...you get the 10 chemistry ,..but you are left with 4 compabliablity. It not a good formula to build a life partnership with. We make decision on short term input, not long term input. We are like day traders...looking for the next greatest things, instead of asking what is the stock I am going to hold for the next 40 years. The chemical rush you get in a relationship is over in 12-18 months according to experts. What beyond 12-18 months are you left with? If it not going to the rush...because it will go away? If you are driven so much by the rush, the chemistry, you might end up with someone who is emotionally not available, someone who is abusive,  someone who is inconsistent to you. Someone who doesn't treat you the way you wanted to be treated. Look at your life Ii am not talking about anything that you don't  already  know.


So many woman think that they are such great catches because they are beautiful or have a great job and that it will all work out. They feel like they don't have to do anything different. Love doesn't find you because you are great. You actually have to look for it. The problem is when you really really great, nobody is good enough for you. NOT ONLY THAT ....NO ONE IS GOOD ENOUGH TO DATE YOU. You can scroll on any dating site to see how many guy you would be able to date based on your criteria.

What are some of the things that guys must in order to date you? For example. " I am looking for a guy who is financially success to support my lifestyle" I need a guy who make X amount of money. What percent of guys do you think make enough that you will be happy with? Let's say 30%. What percentage of guy are educated. Let's say 40%. What percentage are attractive enough? 2-5 % You might add. " I won't date anyone who is not over 5'10". Just realize that each layer you are putting on there, you are eliminated X amount of the population. If you multiple this number together.....you are left with .001 percent of the men are datable. Do you see a problem with that? Do you understand now why is it so hard to find love? Because we determine that NO ONE is good enough for you by your own standard. We all think we are the expectation to the rule and we are not

PERSONAL: I WILL NEVER BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T ME LOVE EVER AGAIN

Unrequited love is: Not openly reciprocated or understood as such by the beloved. The beloved may not be aware of the admirer’s deep and strong romantic affection, or may consciously reject it. Not reciprocated or returned in kind.

If “real love” is an act — a choice — then can’t we choose to love whomever we want? If love is fundamentally selfless in this way, then isn’t the decision to love, regardless of getting love back, still love?

Not exactly. And if their number one “need” regarding you is to “not receive or return your love,” then each time you extend it anyway, you are violating — not satisfying — their wishes. And that’s not love. That’s self-love.

There are two bad sides to unrequited love, but only one is made familiar by our culture — that of the lover, not the rejector. In fact, research suggests that the object of unrequited affection experiences a variety of negative emotions on a par with those of the suitor, including anxiety, frustration and guilt.(Guilt, lol.)

We love stories of unrequited love — because most of us have experienced it, or wish we had someone pining over us — and love being made to feel validated; better; okay. Unrequited love has long been depicted as noble, an unselfish and stoic willingness to accept suffering. The trouble is that it’s not healthy.

DATING: ALL THESE WOMAN WHO TRAVEL CONSTANTLY HAVE ISSUES

When I sat down and thought about what I wanted and still saw “30 countries by 30” on the list, I realized that I didn’t really get that much out of traveling. It conflicted with a lot of other more important goals on my list — saving, building a business, etc. — and didn’t, even in its own right, provide much value. It shouldn’t be a top goal. Because travel is, in and of itself, a bit meaningless.

Travel is not an accomplishment. It’s embarrassing when so many woman about travel like there’s some kind of “I got on a plane” accolade. Participation awards for “I went there too.” “I been LOTS of places.” It’s not even that hard. The highest barrier is probably cost, and the most effort that really involves is like, saving. There’s no application process. There’s no “failure” rate. It doesn’t even really take any meaningful work. Compared to so many other things in life, “travel” is a damn cakewalk. You decide you want to go somewhere. You pick a place. Maybe do a lil research; consult a guidebook (optional.) Then ya book it. And then you go.

But then we should move on to real things. Probably this very low barrier to entry and very low bar for effort is precisely why so many people glorify it — it’s just enough of a break in routine to feel like something, but not enough to be too strenuous. Enough to feel like we did something, without ever actually doing something. But that doesn’t actually make it an accomplishment.

Travel is little more than a running tally— Countries are not ours to “collect”. Having that literal stamp collection — all tidily organized in a neato little book to tote around — makes us feel good. And safe. All warm and tingly inside.

But because travel isn’t an accomplishment, those messy stamps and mental checklists are nothing better than boxed memorabilia. It may make us feel nice and cozy, but it’s totally meaningless in the grand scheme of things. When we tally up travel, we’re pretty much as “cool” as Steve Carell’s character in 40 Year Old Virgin. Or that weird great aunt with her Precious Moments figurines. Travel does not automatically expand you as a human being

Unless what you needed help “expanding” with was getting the fuck out of your own car, or neighborhood, or routine. Travel is just expensive escapism. Almost as expensive as functional alcoholism. People who love their lives don’t leave. If you were deeply engaged in your life, had meaning and excitement and value in your everyday, Would you want to leave all that behind for two weeks? What would be the point?If you are excited about your life, you do your life. If you are not excited about your life, you travel to get away from it.

The things you are aiming to accomplish while you travel are generally things you could accomplish on a deeper level if you stayed home and made changes to your life instead of running away. Travel is just consumerism Other countries and cultures are not ours to consume. The world is not our personal petting zoo. Often people travel because they just need a way to spend their money.They work these jobs they don’t like to afford themselves things they might want, but they don’t necessarily spend a lot of time thinking about what that might be. They travel because they hear other people travel and they don’t have any other, better ideas, so they do too.

DATING; WHY YOU WILL NEVER GET THE PERSON YOU WANT.....EVER

One of my dearest friends is struggling to find her life partner. She is certain someone is out there for her, but also increasingly anxious about the fact that it hasn’t worked out for her yet.

It fascinates me. Because to me, relationships seem incredibly obvious and easy. I have no problem getting into them, no problem choosing a partner and just kinda running with it. So at first I didn’t really understand this emotional preoccupation.

And then I realized: I do this, too.

I’m not guilty of it in love (well, perhaps I am. Perhaps I just reject my suitors years later down the line) but I definitely do it with work. Whereas this same friend accepted a job and goes to work with the composure and ease I have with relationships, I definitely mirror her attitude with work.

“Why isn’t it working out for me?”

The reasons vary. The reasons are also all the same.

It’s you. (And it’s me. It’s always “us,” ourselves.) The steps to achievement are actually incredibly fucking simple — be good at making good decisions, make a decision, and then take the necessary steps. But we hold ourselves back from getting what we want. And we do this because we’re insecure about something.

Most woman don't know what they want.


We have big ideas about what we want — in theory. But so many of us struggle with the specifics.

“I want a business” is not a thing. “I want a partner” is not a thing. What problem are you trying to solve? What kind of partner? What are you going to do with your day when you wake up tomorrow?

What you want isn’t actionable

We want things like “a business” or “money” or “happiness,” and this shit isn’t actually actionable.

You can still get up every morning and execute against “the thing” in theory — work out, eat healthy, meditate, take cold showers, whatever the fuck — but without an actual, literal, actionable endpoint in mind, all you’ll have to show for it is some rad habits that lead to nowhere.

The people who accomplish the sort of things we want don’t think in terms of “business.” They think about the problem they’re trying to solve — something to improve outside of “myself.”

Because you reject everything

You can find a reason not to pursue pretty much any option, or you reject it a year or two later, because you feel like:

“I know there’s something better out there for me.”

This is what binds so many of us up in finding a partner — we want our ideal, we think we deserve our ideal, and we keep holding out for an ideal that isn’t fair, realistic, or actionable.

I don’t do this in relationships, but it is what I’ve done with work since I got my first job — always thinking I can do it better, or “this should be better,” but doing nothing whatsoever to actually pursue it besides quitting jobs and looking for a new one — then starting a company, only to set it down because “it could be better.”

Better is what we make. And there’s nothing to build on if we go through life constantly looking for “better.”

Because you have ideals — you’re looking for “perfect”

And because perfection isn’t possible, you’re on an endless hunt that leads to heartbreak.

You want the best and perfect solution to something — work, love, etc. — so you get hung up on thinking about your ideals — what you want, what you deserve, what your idea of greatness and perfection looks like.

You become anxious and frenzied when things aren’t perfect — when a relationship isn’t everything you think it should be, it fills you with anxiety and unhappiness.

The problem is that when you hold off committing to anything, you end up with nothing.

You have two options:

Change your standards
Stubbornly maintain your standards and have them forcefully changed for you

Because you’ve made self worth about “the thing” you want

The difference between people who have the thing you want and people who, like you, are suffering and struggling through getting it is: one group made it about their self worth.
People who have whatever it is you want got there because they weren’t immobilized by every misstep. They didn’t have breakdowns when shit was imperfect, they don’t get hung up on how it matches up to the ideal in their head. Because they don’t make it about their own value.

If you make your self worth about finding a partner (and not only a partner, but the “right” partner; the “perfect” partner), you’re going to sabotage every relationship — until you realize that the relationship isn’t there to stand for your self worth. Likewise, if you are obsessed with finding the perfect work, you’re going to sabotage every job or business — until you realize that your work is not a stand-in for your self worth.

You may not think you’re sabotaging it — in fact, you may think you’re trying very hard. But the more anxious you feel about it, and the more you unload that anxiety back into it, the more you’ve tethered yourself to this thing and made it about your own value.

And you think everyone does this, but they don’t. I certainly did. I value other people by their work. Some people value others by the “success” of their relationships and home life. But people who have these things — calmly, quietly, with certainty — don’t actually view and value themselves in this way. Because doing so causes too much anxiety, and the anxiety will always sabotage it in some way.

Because what you want is contradictory

And because your standards of measurement are self-sabotaging and stupid.

You want a meaningful relationship, but you keep looking for bullshit like looks and income and they way they dress.

You want meaningful work, but you keep measuring it by money.

You think everyone does this, but they don’t. People who really have these things don’t measure them in this way. They are secondary, not primary, motivators. People with richness in their lives got there by pursuing richness first, and not hamstringing that pursuit by evaluating it with bullshit measures.

You think you can have both, but you can’t. Focusing on bullshit, or using bullshit to measure meaning, will always extinguish anything worthwhile.

Because you don’t work for what you want

You get sidetracked. You get distracted. You lack motivation or discipline or follow-through. You’re more excited about the ideation or daydreaming about the thing than actually executing. You make excuses, you let things trip you up. You lack grit.

You think you’re the only one who experienced setbacks, or you think others didn’t have this thing, but the reality is that everyone who has something got there by getting up every day and doing the work and hustling — even through the boring bits.

Because you don’t actually want it that badly

You only like the idea of it, not the messy execution. You like the idea of owning a business, but making decisions (including which business) isn’t actually something you do day to day. You like the idea of a relationship, but not the messiness of making one work.

You like the way things sound on paper, but you like the idea of them more than you like the details. You don’t want the shit sandwich that comes along.

Because you don’t commit

To either the decision or the follow-through, or both.

Because you’re afraid of the unknown. Or because you need to know everything before taking action on anything. Because the idea of trial and error terrifies you.

How to get what you want:

Nobody talks about the first step. But without the first step, nothing else matters.

Stop making this thing about your self worth. Have good standards — built on internal, not external value. Don’t make decisions based on bullshit. The “right standards” is the area of ourselves where the problem really exists. We don’t have what we want because we don’t know what we want or what we want is the wrong thing or we can’t decide — all because our decision framework is fucked. Our values are bullshit. Fix this, and the rest becomes incredibly easy. And then it’s as simple as:

Decide. Fucking decide.

Actually do the work.

Every single pursuit — no matter how wonderful and exciting and glamorous it may initially seem — comes with its own brand of shit sandwich, its own lousy side effects. “Everything sucks, some of the time.” You just have to decide what sort of suckage you’re willing to deal with. So the question is not so much “What are you passionate about?” The question is “What are you passionate enough about that you can endure the most disagreeable aspects of the work?”“If you want to be a professional artist, but you aren’t willing to see your work rejected hundreds, if not thousands, of times, then you’re done before you start. If you want to be a hotshot court lawyer, but can’t stand the eighty-hour workweeks, then I’ve got bad news for you.” Because if you love and want something enough — whatever it is — then you don’t really mind eating the shit sandwich that comes with it.

DATING: WHAT LOVE REALLY IS AND WHAT PEOPLE FAIL TO UNDERSTAND

Most of what we think of as “love” is bullshit

Here’s how real love does and does not go.

“Young man, why are you eating that fish?”

“Because I love fish,” the young man answers.

“Oh, you love the fish. That’s why you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it. Don’t tell me you love the fish. You love yourself, and because the fish tastes good to you, therefore you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it.”

So much of what we think is ‘love’ is really this.

Being attractive is not love

When I was breaking up with my girlfriend of few months, she responded with a heartfelt, “but I want to be with you!”

As though that makes sense as a rebuttal.

As though her needs alone were enough. As though saying that would somehow make me forget my own dissatisfaction, like “oh! well damn, aiight.” As though that was an appropriate, loving response.

I sighed. And then I asked her “why do you want to be with me?”

And she looked me in the eye and actually said to me, “because you’re handsome.” Full stop.

And that’s how she broke my heart and confirmed my decision in about 1 second flat.

Whenever someone tells me I’m handsome, they’re telling me they love themselves. They’re telling me that they want to be around people and things that give them pleasure, and that my physical appearance gives them pleasure. But, they’re not telling me that they care about me.

Finding someone attractive is not love, it is self love. Because finding someone extremely pleasurable is not love, it is self love.

I still struggle with what to do when being called “attractive.” I can brush it off a little and laugh; I can accept this low level of discourse from someone  who doesn’t know me, never will, and, frankly, isn’t invited to; for whom I’m paid to be how they want to see me, “atractivel” included.

But part of me still bristles every time a partner or potential partner says this, especially because they always fucking list it first. Every time it happens, the music stops for me a little, like: oh. yeah. that’s right. I have to triage — either push through it; ask and look for other things; deliberately stack things in their favor regardless of their indiscretion; do the work and paint a prettier picture for us both… or pretend and look the other way.

Because “attractivness” is never, ever love. We romanticize this culturally, but we’re wrong.

If you spend your life looking for love by trying to find someone who thinks you’re crazy beautiful, you won’t find love. If you spend your life trying to find someone you think is beautiful, you won’t find love.

If someone thinks you are beautiful, but doesn’t care about your feelings or your reality — or, more specifically, if they prefer that your feelings and reality simply mirror their own or otherwise be uncomplicated for them — then they do not love you. They like you as fish.

Same goes for being liked for “security” or any number of other major features you may offer. “If you believe you can be nourished by this kind of love, you will be disappointed.”


Attachment is not love. Wanting to be together or text all the time is not love. Wanting consistent reassurance is not love. Yearning for or pining over is not love. Wanting — at all — is not love.

Love is give, not take. Love is pushing energy toward them, not wanting or pulling their energy to you. Not sometimes, or “for as long as it seems fair.” Always. Love is neverkeeping score on energy exchange. Love is only offering. Anything else is attachment and ego.

When you make demands that benefit you, it is not love. If you think in terms of your own desires, even if you think your interests are “mutually beneficial” or for “the good of the relationship,” it is not love. Pulling, grabbing, demanding, coercing… is never love.

Your “love” isn’t love. First of all: Love has nothing to do with what you want.  We’ve done ourselves a real disservice, chalking all this bullshit up as love. Attachment isn’t love. Want isn’t love. Need and desire and longing and preoccupation are not love.

Love isn’t even a fucking feeling, Love is not “want”. If your explanation of “love” starts with “I want,” it is not love.Even if you want…

“Just to hear the sound of their breath leaving their lips… to watch the way their head tilts back in abandon, the way their arms outstretch or cover their mouth unconsciously… to kiss that smile, melt it into yours”“Each moment to stretch and grow and last forever.” “To stay up all night and talk, and yet, you also just want to lay your head against their chest and breathe in the silence.”

Shit ain’t love.

Love is not “craving”… “the sound of their laugh mixed with yours.”…or “longing for”
 “all the tiny parts of them — the secrets, the stories, the lives they’ve lived outside of you.
… “a soul connection.”… or desire… for “them. Their mind, their heart, their soul.”Love is not daydreaming

“When you close your eyes and breathe, you can’t help but imagine yourself with that person, can’t help but feel their touch on your skin, their smile lifting the corners of your mouth, their kiss setting off both a spark and a calm somewhere in your soul.”“You unconsciously imagine the dates you will go on, the events you will attend, the places you will travel, the dinners you will cook together in a time down the road. Suddenly you aren’t scared of what lies ahead of you, but excited to know you have someone to share it with.
This is fantasy. Escapism, even. Not love.

Or gushing “When you talk about them, sometimes you gush and can’t stop… Sometimes you’re overflowing with passion, talking about their hands, their eyes, their smile, their touch. It’s as if you’re a little kid again, admiring your crush with such wildness and desire. But sometimes you speak with such calm. You’ve settled into comfort, into familiarity, into a wonderful, beautiful tying of your souls that it seems you’ve always been together, that there never was a time before.“And sometimes it’s as if you’ve known one another all your lives.”

Love is not about your growth. “You want to be better. You’re inspired to become the best version of yourself and to fight to improve and grow and be all that you’re capable of.”
“You are thankful for the ways they challenge you, strengthen you, teach you, and let you bloom.”

Love is not a freefall. “You can’t help but fall a little deeper every day, and that’s scary and wonderful all the same.”

Love is not a realization.“When you think about your life, you realize how blessed you are to have that person in it. You are inspired by their passion, by the way they care for you, by who they are, and are growing into by your side.”

Love is not companionship “You have a friend, a partner, an equal, a force who will take on the highs and lows with you. You know that whatever you face, you won’t have to face it alone.”

Love is not a feeling. “When you’re with that person, your heart skips, your palms sweat, your entire body buzzes with life. And yet, you’re overwhelmed by calm, by tranquility, by pure, numbing joy. With them, you are both fearful and fearless, wild and at rest.”

Even if the feeling is gratitude:“When you wake up, you’re thankful, simply for another day by their side.”


Love is not a feeling. Love is an act.

We’ve all heard this and some of us even believe it, and yet when we’re asked why we love our beloved, we continue to dumbly reply: “because she/he is___.” i.e., we love them because of what they represent for us — and provide.

But good love has nothing to do with what they are or what we harvest from them. Good love is the way in which we love them — it’s us loving their very being, us loving their essence, us loving their ups and downs and imperfections and dumb complaints and irritations and short-comings and differences, for fucks sake, us loving their decisions — each day.

We fail to realize that the answer to “why?”, in true love, is something more like “because I choose to.” And that the bigger question in love is more like “how” we’ll love as an act so hard and fast and deep, and less about “to whom” or “why.”



WHAT LOVE ACTUALLY IS: An action. A decision. An investment. Effort. Love is not frenzied. Love is calm. Love is decisive. Love is deliberate. And love is focusing on their feelings and wants and needs, not yours. Love is understanding. Not wanting to understand, but actually trying to understand them, before being understood yourself.

Sure, great. But it’s all fine when weather is fair, but far more important when fighting.

“Seek to understand before being understood.” That is love. In the throes of an argument, when all those fantastic lovey dovey feelings have shifted to frustration and rage-face.
Love is setting your feelings aside, shutting the fuck up at the risk of never being heard, and instead asking, “okay, explain your side to me. Again.”

Love is compromising. “You don’t always want to be right.” Love is accepting. Not just their flaws and “being” imperfections, but the things they do — and actions that fall short of what you would want from “perfection.”

Love is letting. Love has no leash. Love is loose. Love has a wide berth. Love is giving.
Love is not about your wants — or needs, or desires, or cravings, or longings. Love does not make demands — even if those demands feel like “love” to you, like marriage or moving into together.

Love answers the demands of others — regardless of what they are. Love is about their wants. And needs. And desires. And cravings. And longings. Love is supporting. Not wanting to support, but actually supporting. Love is not about your growth. Loving is letting them grow.

“You… support them at their weakest and inspire them at their strongest.”

Love is an act and an investment. You don’t tell us you love us. You don’t even show us you love us. You just love us. You know you’re in love when you make the daily investment in their needs and wants — over your own.


If you try to Google “how to know you’re in love,” you’re gonna have a bad time

Because it’s mostly shit advice. Here’s a small sampling: “They’re always on your mind”
This is infatuation. If someone’s “always” on your mind, you’re not focused on other Really Important Things. And that’s a problem.“You crave them” or “can’t get enough of them” “They’re your ‘everything’”

Real love fits into real life, rather than usurping it. It’s calm, not overwhelming.The problem is that we’ve made “love” into a game of escapism, and measure potential partners by how they fit into that fantasy. That’s not love.

So, sure, see them in your future — but not because they “complete the picture.” “They’re the person of your dreams” Ha. Hahaha. Clearly you have never been in a (healthy) long-term relationship.

How to know you LIKE them as a person: They’re different than everyone else. Rad for them. You like more than their looks. Congrats, there may be hope for you yet. You want them to be happy. Great. I want happiness for most people. You’ll try new things with them. You found someone with whom you’re comfortable, and whose company you enjoy. Good on you. They inspire you to be a better person


How to know you LOVE them: (1) You know because you decide. You don’t feel love. You DO it. It’s an act, not a feeling. It’s a moment by moment decision and re-commitment. You know because it’s deliberate and conscious.

(2) You know because you DO the act of loving. You invest. You exert effort. You don’t knowingly do harm. You aren’t vengeful, petty, manipulative, or jealous. Their needs never seem irritating. You aren’t grabby with them, their time, or their affection in return. You are secure without demanding constant reassurance.

You prioritize their viewpoints. You learn their love language. You think in terms of their interests, not yours, and their needs are your own. You support them. You back them. You care and take care. You accept, and you allow.

(3) You know because you do the act of loving even when you don’t want to. Because everyone thinks they’re in love when it’s clear skies and calm waters, but watch them when the storm hits. You know because you love even when you’re pissed. It’s love if you don’t “fight;” you disagree. You love if your objective is reaching an agreement, not picking a winner. You love if you don’t get defensive, insecure, or manipulative. If you don’t keep score. If you don’t hold grudges. If you don’t “take back your love” as punishment.

You love if you seek to understand before being understood; listen and honor what they share — and you don’t double down with your own issues. If you act like you’re on the same team. You listen. You compromise. You apologize. You forgive. You know because you love even when you’re hurt. Especially honoring and respecting their wants and needs even when they include “breaking up.”

What we should really be Googling is “how to love,” not “how to ‘know’ we’re in love.”
We like to differentiate between “being in love with” and “loving” someone. But “being in love with” is infatuation, and infatuation means nothing in getting real love. So if what you want is real love, then “how to” is all that matters. You “know” because you decide. It’s love when you do it. All the time.


Is love enough for a relationship to work?

Love won’t prevent issues. Love only allows you to work through issues.

If you truly love one another, you fundamentally do not want them to suffer — especially at your hands. If you love someone, you listen when they share their emotional needs, you empathize with their need for intimacy and touch, and you prioritize this need over your “headache” or “not feeling like it.” And vice versa — when you love someone, you compromise on how much sex you’ll have, based on how much they want.

You cannot have love without emotional stability. Not real love. Not healthy love. Not mature love. Love offered to someone with emotional instability will be mishandled, mistreated, and manipulated. It will be dumped into a black hole; a bottomless pit. There will be no reward, no resolution. Ever.

Love can never solve for emotional instability. Stability must come first.This one is different than money and sex in that way — those conversations are easier with love; love can be a precursor. But love has no power in the depths of emotional instability. It needs stability to even have a fighting chance.

I am open to having a dialogue around other things — religion, community, lifestyle, family, etc. — but frankly, these conversations are sort of non-issues when I find people who share my higher-level values. At what point do you draw the line between wanting your partner to align with your values (non superficial and for the sake of living a meaningful life aligned with your own values) and chalking it up as you selfishly wanting to live in your fantasy for convenience.”

Values aren’t a fantasy. Good values aren’t, anyway. Good values aren’t the same as “beautiful” or “drives nice car” or “uh, Santorini?” Good values are real — both ingrained in your actual day to day as well as the way you’ll define your long-term journey.

If your “values” are bullshit, then yeah, that’s worth addressing. But if your values are good, then you should feel good. And if your values are good, they’ll foster real, healthy, mature love.

And, yeah, that little package —real, healthy, mature love — is all you need to “make it work.” As long as you have everything else that allows it to.

PERSONAL: YOU ARE LOVE BUT ALSO HEARBREAK

You are love.
You are also heartbreak.

You are love because you made me feel a feeling I’ve never experienced before. Something so new.
You made me feel so calm when i had so much chaos going on in my mind. Every time i talked to you my soul just grew into something stronger. At some point, you were the only one I cared about, at some point you was the one floating thru my mind from 1am till 12pm.
I did everything in my power to make you happy and exposed myself to you. That everytime I saw you I was stuttering in my words and so nervous. You made me feel like I could face everything that was In my way. You gave me that positive mindset I was looking for all my life, that last piece of the puzzle I was looking for all my life. And It did actually fit perfect, connected.
Connected like our souls.
I lost myself way too much in your eyes, i saw paradises when I looked in your eyes. A sight of heaven.
We used to talk about the moon and found ourselves up in the sky. You shine like the stars. You were my light at the end of the tunnel. You made me feel like cold water on a summer day.
You made me feel like I was alive.
Endless conversations where once in my lifetime I didn’t feel useless. Made me feel like I was actually worth something. I can’t even remember the time where I wasn’t in love with you. I guess I’ve always been In love with you, even when I didn’t know you. You were the reason I wanted to wake up early in the morning, or not sleep at all.
Because reality became better than my dreams.
You changed my life so much and I forever owe you for that


One minute they ache to touch you, the next day they want nothing to do with you. Feelings are a fickle thing. You want answers, you need closure, and now you’re laying awake at night trying to hold yourself together because you allowed yourself to be vulnerable. You are full of love for someone who saw what you had to offer – and they decided they didn’t want it. This, an unbearable version of the many forms of loneliness


 If I should give a last kiss in my life
I want my lips to give their last breath to your lips,
Because without you, what should I live for?
In that kiss I will put all my feelings, dreams, feelings,
Those feelings that make me speak the nights with the moon about love,
Emotions, desires and sensations that provoke me.
I think I should always kiss you
And let our lips melt together,
In a single timeless kiss where I could put all of me.
If you gave me a moment, I would like to be forever,
Let me give you all the passion that consumes my body,
To live in Paradise, in a world that exists only you and me,

Love me today because tomorrow I do not know if there is,
Tonight is all we have and I do not want to lose anything,
And I love you, it will not just be a statement,
But a sigh suspended in the midst of eternity,
A silence of my soul that is empty when you are not present,
With all the warmth of my being and the arms full of love,
I love you with that love that goes beyond time in self-oblivion,
I love you endlessly, because what I am is what you are.
And if I should give a last kiss, I will give it to you,
And then I’ll be able to quit forever.

PERSONAL: IT'S HARD TO MOVE ON

Moving on’ sound so simple at first but is probably the hardest thing to do in the world. It always is the first plan everyone has. The first idea everyone comes up with. The only solution everyone thinks there is. But no. You cannot just ‘move on’. It doesn’t work like that. You have to be tortured first. You have to cry rivers first. You have to feel pain and get hurt first in order to be able to ’move on’. You have to have been dead first in order to start a new life. You have to have read the last chapter of the book in order to start a new story. You have to have been broken first in order to be put back together, piece by piece. You cannot just move on cause someone said so. It takes weeks, month, yes even years in order to be fully ready to move on. 

I knew what true love would feel like. Or maybe sound like and look like. I’ve read about it in books all my life, I’ve watched it in movies. And I was expecting something just like what I read. And then last night you said something. It wasn’t anything like those books. It wasn’t romantic or poetic or anything. But those words were dripping with love, and those words were full of feelings, real, true, heartfelt feelings. And I fell for you all over again. I thought I know how to love, but you inspire me still. I can’t say I’ve fallen in love, but one thing is sure, I’ve found love in you. I’d read about women like you, and love like ours, but that was fiction. I didn’t know it can exist, or yes maybe I hoped it can, but I didn’t entirely believe in it. But yes it does. And all I can be is thankful to have no one, but you in my life. But it breaks my heart to know I am not yours to keep, neither are you mine to be. And all I wish is that you find someone you truly deserve and someone who’s worth you. Because you are the kind of person who’d love the f*ck outta her, and that is also what you deserve in return. I am grateful, that the universe let your soul stop by, even if it was just for a short while

When she thinks you are not there, you are there. When she thinks she is lost, you prove she is not. When she doubts, you reassure. And when she is sad without a reason, give her a reason to be happy instead. When she falls without to stumble, fall with her and stand up with her in your arms. When she is desperate and feels empty, kiss her hopes onto her lips and fill her with your endless love. Be always there when she needs you most, stay when she is too weak to ask, and hold her when no one seems to care. Be the one she can rely on, be the one she can dare to love.


The promise is attention, focus, care. The pledge is love, faith, and devotion. The vow is clarity, truth, and definiteness, for they will be no tomorrow, no now, and before without you and her. There will be just this one singular love where everything is strong, deep, and right out in the open, where bareness matters, lies are abhorred, where fears are calmed and longings groomed, where every touch is true, and every need justified, where every kiss is a promise and every glance a seal that this love is meant to be, will remain even when everything falls, for she is the one whom you gave your heart, and she is the one who gave herself to reconcile in your guiding hands what should’ve never been separated in the first place.