DATING: WHAT LOVE REALLY IS AND WHAT PEOPLE FAIL TO UNDERSTAND

Most of what we think of as “love” is bullshit

Here’s how real love does and does not go.

“Young man, why are you eating that fish?”

“Because I love fish,” the young man answers.

“Oh, you love the fish. That’s why you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it. Don’t tell me you love the fish. You love yourself, and because the fish tastes good to you, therefore you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it.”

So much of what we think is ‘love’ is really this.

Being attractive is not love

When I was breaking up with my girlfriend of few months, she responded with a heartfelt, “but I want to be with you!”

As though that makes sense as a rebuttal.

As though her needs alone were enough. As though saying that would somehow make me forget my own dissatisfaction, like “oh! well damn, aiight.” As though that was an appropriate, loving response.

I sighed. And then I asked her “why do you want to be with me?”

And she looked me in the eye and actually said to me, “because you’re handsome.” Full stop.

And that’s how she broke my heart and confirmed my decision in about 1 second flat.

Whenever someone tells me I’m handsome, they’re telling me they love themselves. They’re telling me that they want to be around people and things that give them pleasure, and that my physical appearance gives them pleasure. But, they’re not telling me that they care about me.

Finding someone attractive is not love, it is self love. Because finding someone extremely pleasurable is not love, it is self love.

I still struggle with what to do when being called “attractive.” I can brush it off a little and laugh; I can accept this low level of discourse from someone  who doesn’t know me, never will, and, frankly, isn’t invited to; for whom I’m paid to be how they want to see me, “atractivel” included.

But part of me still bristles every time a partner or potential partner says this, especially because they always fucking list it first. Every time it happens, the music stops for me a little, like: oh. yeah. that’s right. I have to triage — either push through it; ask and look for other things; deliberately stack things in their favor regardless of their indiscretion; do the work and paint a prettier picture for us both… or pretend and look the other way.

Because “attractivness” is never, ever love. We romanticize this culturally, but we’re wrong.

If you spend your life looking for love by trying to find someone who thinks you’re crazy beautiful, you won’t find love. If you spend your life trying to find someone you think is beautiful, you won’t find love.

If someone thinks you are beautiful, but doesn’t care about your feelings or your reality — or, more specifically, if they prefer that your feelings and reality simply mirror their own or otherwise be uncomplicated for them — then they do not love you. They like you as fish.

Same goes for being liked for “security” or any number of other major features you may offer. “If you believe you can be nourished by this kind of love, you will be disappointed.”


Attachment is not love. Wanting to be together or text all the time is not love. Wanting consistent reassurance is not love. Yearning for or pining over is not love. Wanting — at all — is not love.

Love is give, not take. Love is pushing energy toward them, not wanting or pulling their energy to you. Not sometimes, or “for as long as it seems fair.” Always. Love is neverkeeping score on energy exchange. Love is only offering. Anything else is attachment and ego.

When you make demands that benefit you, it is not love. If you think in terms of your own desires, even if you think your interests are “mutually beneficial” or for “the good of the relationship,” it is not love. Pulling, grabbing, demanding, coercing… is never love.

Your “love” isn’t love. First of all: Love has nothing to do with what you want.  We’ve done ourselves a real disservice, chalking all this bullshit up as love. Attachment isn’t love. Want isn’t love. Need and desire and longing and preoccupation are not love.

Love isn’t even a fucking feeling, Love is not “want”. If your explanation of “love” starts with “I want,” it is not love.Even if you want…

“Just to hear the sound of their breath leaving their lips… to watch the way their head tilts back in abandon, the way their arms outstretch or cover their mouth unconsciously… to kiss that smile, melt it into yours”“Each moment to stretch and grow and last forever.” “To stay up all night and talk, and yet, you also just want to lay your head against their chest and breathe in the silence.”

Shit ain’t love.

Love is not “craving”… “the sound of their laugh mixed with yours.”…or “longing for”
 “all the tiny parts of them — the secrets, the stories, the lives they’ve lived outside of you.
… “a soul connection.”… or desire… for “them. Their mind, their heart, their soul.”Love is not daydreaming

“When you close your eyes and breathe, you can’t help but imagine yourself with that person, can’t help but feel their touch on your skin, their smile lifting the corners of your mouth, their kiss setting off both a spark and a calm somewhere in your soul.”“You unconsciously imagine the dates you will go on, the events you will attend, the places you will travel, the dinners you will cook together in a time down the road. Suddenly you aren’t scared of what lies ahead of you, but excited to know you have someone to share it with.
This is fantasy. Escapism, even. Not love.

Or gushing “When you talk about them, sometimes you gush and can’t stop… Sometimes you’re overflowing with passion, talking about their hands, their eyes, their smile, their touch. It’s as if you’re a little kid again, admiring your crush with such wildness and desire. But sometimes you speak with such calm. You’ve settled into comfort, into familiarity, into a wonderful, beautiful tying of your souls that it seems you’ve always been together, that there never was a time before.“And sometimes it’s as if you’ve known one another all your lives.”

Love is not about your growth. “You want to be better. You’re inspired to become the best version of yourself and to fight to improve and grow and be all that you’re capable of.”
“You are thankful for the ways they challenge you, strengthen you, teach you, and let you bloom.”

Love is not a freefall. “You can’t help but fall a little deeper every day, and that’s scary and wonderful all the same.”

Love is not a realization.“When you think about your life, you realize how blessed you are to have that person in it. You are inspired by their passion, by the way they care for you, by who they are, and are growing into by your side.”

Love is not companionship “You have a friend, a partner, an equal, a force who will take on the highs and lows with you. You know that whatever you face, you won’t have to face it alone.”

Love is not a feeling. “When you’re with that person, your heart skips, your palms sweat, your entire body buzzes with life. And yet, you’re overwhelmed by calm, by tranquility, by pure, numbing joy. With them, you are both fearful and fearless, wild and at rest.”

Even if the feeling is gratitude:“When you wake up, you’re thankful, simply for another day by their side.”


Love is not a feeling. Love is an act.

We’ve all heard this and some of us even believe it, and yet when we’re asked why we love our beloved, we continue to dumbly reply: “because she/he is___.” i.e., we love them because of what they represent for us — and provide.

But good love has nothing to do with what they are or what we harvest from them. Good love is the way in which we love them — it’s us loving their very being, us loving their essence, us loving their ups and downs and imperfections and dumb complaints and irritations and short-comings and differences, for fucks sake, us loving their decisions — each day.

We fail to realize that the answer to “why?”, in true love, is something more like “because I choose to.” And that the bigger question in love is more like “how” we’ll love as an act so hard and fast and deep, and less about “to whom” or “why.”



WHAT LOVE ACTUALLY IS: An action. A decision. An investment. Effort. Love is not frenzied. Love is calm. Love is decisive. Love is deliberate. And love is focusing on their feelings and wants and needs, not yours. Love is understanding. Not wanting to understand, but actually trying to understand them, before being understood yourself.

Sure, great. But it’s all fine when weather is fair, but far more important when fighting.

“Seek to understand before being understood.” That is love. In the throes of an argument, when all those fantastic lovey dovey feelings have shifted to frustration and rage-face.
Love is setting your feelings aside, shutting the fuck up at the risk of never being heard, and instead asking, “okay, explain your side to me. Again.”

Love is compromising. “You don’t always want to be right.” Love is accepting. Not just their flaws and “being” imperfections, but the things they do — and actions that fall short of what you would want from “perfection.”

Love is letting. Love has no leash. Love is loose. Love has a wide berth. Love is giving.
Love is not about your wants — or needs, or desires, or cravings, or longings. Love does not make demands — even if those demands feel like “love” to you, like marriage or moving into together.

Love answers the demands of others — regardless of what they are. Love is about their wants. And needs. And desires. And cravings. And longings. Love is supporting. Not wanting to support, but actually supporting. Love is not about your growth. Loving is letting them grow.

“You… support them at their weakest and inspire them at their strongest.”

Love is an act and an investment. You don’t tell us you love us. You don’t even show us you love us. You just love us. You know you’re in love when you make the daily investment in their needs and wants — over your own.


If you try to Google “how to know you’re in love,” you’re gonna have a bad time

Because it’s mostly shit advice. Here’s a small sampling: “They’re always on your mind”
This is infatuation. If someone’s “always” on your mind, you’re not focused on other Really Important Things. And that’s a problem.“You crave them” or “can’t get enough of them” “They’re your ‘everything’”

Real love fits into real life, rather than usurping it. It’s calm, not overwhelming.The problem is that we’ve made “love” into a game of escapism, and measure potential partners by how they fit into that fantasy. That’s not love.

So, sure, see them in your future — but not because they “complete the picture.” “They’re the person of your dreams” Ha. Hahaha. Clearly you have never been in a (healthy) long-term relationship.

How to know you LIKE them as a person: They’re different than everyone else. Rad for them. You like more than their looks. Congrats, there may be hope for you yet. You want them to be happy. Great. I want happiness for most people. You’ll try new things with them. You found someone with whom you’re comfortable, and whose company you enjoy. Good on you. They inspire you to be a better person


How to know you LOVE them: (1) You know because you decide. You don’t feel love. You DO it. It’s an act, not a feeling. It’s a moment by moment decision and re-commitment. You know because it’s deliberate and conscious.

(2) You know because you DO the act of loving. You invest. You exert effort. You don’t knowingly do harm. You aren’t vengeful, petty, manipulative, or jealous. Their needs never seem irritating. You aren’t grabby with them, their time, or their affection in return. You are secure without demanding constant reassurance.

You prioritize their viewpoints. You learn their love language. You think in terms of their interests, not yours, and their needs are your own. You support them. You back them. You care and take care. You accept, and you allow.

(3) You know because you do the act of loving even when you don’t want to. Because everyone thinks they’re in love when it’s clear skies and calm waters, but watch them when the storm hits. You know because you love even when you’re pissed. It’s love if you don’t “fight;” you disagree. You love if your objective is reaching an agreement, not picking a winner. You love if you don’t get defensive, insecure, or manipulative. If you don’t keep score. If you don’t hold grudges. If you don’t “take back your love” as punishment.

You love if you seek to understand before being understood; listen and honor what they share — and you don’t double down with your own issues. If you act like you’re on the same team. You listen. You compromise. You apologize. You forgive. You know because you love even when you’re hurt. Especially honoring and respecting their wants and needs even when they include “breaking up.”

What we should really be Googling is “how to love,” not “how to ‘know’ we’re in love.”
We like to differentiate between “being in love with” and “loving” someone. But “being in love with” is infatuation, and infatuation means nothing in getting real love. So if what you want is real love, then “how to” is all that matters. You “know” because you decide. It’s love when you do it. All the time.


Is love enough for a relationship to work?

Love won’t prevent issues. Love only allows you to work through issues.

If you truly love one another, you fundamentally do not want them to suffer — especially at your hands. If you love someone, you listen when they share their emotional needs, you empathize with their need for intimacy and touch, and you prioritize this need over your “headache” or “not feeling like it.” And vice versa — when you love someone, you compromise on how much sex you’ll have, based on how much they want.

You cannot have love without emotional stability. Not real love. Not healthy love. Not mature love. Love offered to someone with emotional instability will be mishandled, mistreated, and manipulated. It will be dumped into a black hole; a bottomless pit. There will be no reward, no resolution. Ever.

Love can never solve for emotional instability. Stability must come first.This one is different than money and sex in that way — those conversations are easier with love; love can be a precursor. But love has no power in the depths of emotional instability. It needs stability to even have a fighting chance.

I am open to having a dialogue around other things — religion, community, lifestyle, family, etc. — but frankly, these conversations are sort of non-issues when I find people who share my higher-level values. At what point do you draw the line between wanting your partner to align with your values (non superficial and for the sake of living a meaningful life aligned with your own values) and chalking it up as you selfishly wanting to live in your fantasy for convenience.”

Values aren’t a fantasy. Good values aren’t, anyway. Good values aren’t the same as “beautiful” or “drives nice car” or “uh, Santorini?” Good values are real — both ingrained in your actual day to day as well as the way you’ll define your long-term journey.

If your “values” are bullshit, then yeah, that’s worth addressing. But if your values are good, then you should feel good. And if your values are good, they’ll foster real, healthy, mature love.

And, yeah, that little package —real, healthy, mature love — is all you need to “make it work.” As long as you have everything else that allows it to.