PERSONAL: THIS WORLD WAS NOT BUILD FOR ROMANTICS

 I have come to the realization that I have turned into Ted Mosby.

For those of you who don’t watch How I Met Your Mother, start watching it. Immediately.  It stars Ted Mosby and his group of friends as he tells his children the story of how he came to meet their mother (duh). Ted is a romantic from day one, a professional architect with high hopes of finding the love of his life somewhere in New York. I am ready to admit it: I’m a self-proclaimed realist who, somewhere along the line, inadvertently became a hopeless romantic. I look for relationships in all the wrong places, seeking out true love with partners who are seeking a completely different situation. I somehow always end up with my heart on my sleeve, hoping that someone that I care for won’t hurt me.

That being said, searching for love has never been at the forefront my mind; I have had so many other goals throughout my life. A career..But as much as I claim to not care about love, to not be searching for it, never directly hoping to discover it, I really would not be against it. And by that I mean I would really like to find a partner. I try so hard to be analytical, intelligent, and forward-thinking, but I’m a sucker for poetry, subtle displays of affection. Is that even possible?  Maybe it isn’t a necessity for my survival, but it certainly is something that I want, something I can’t help but pursue, however futile those pursuits may be. I’ve fallen head-over-heels in love with the idea of being in love. It probably sounds silly, but the concept of meaning something to someone, of being the last thought on someone’s mind before they go to sleep,  of being someone’s emotional rock and having that support for myself, is something that I have found myself desiring. Is that needy?  Am I giving in to an embedded need within myself for a partner to take care of me?

Being a romantic sucks, because the world was not built for romantics. It was intended for those that know that grand romantic gestures come off as creepy more often than not, and the idea of “soul mates” is as constructed as anything shown in pornography or MTV Cribs. I was raised on television and movies.put on emphasis on true love and romanticism and all that poison that infects vulnerable youth like me.  I still cling to the belief that the mystical “her” may be sitting next to me on the bus. She may be standing behind me at the liquor store, or serve me my food the next time I eat at a restaurant, or attend the same concert I go to this summer. Or, as Ted’s misguided love for Robin that once permeated, perhaps I’ve already met her. Where or when I meet her isn’t the issue for me (yet). It’s the if. 

PERSONAL: LOOKING FOR THE MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN

I'm fairly certain I have Ted Mosby Syndrome.(From the show-How I Met Your Mother.) What I'm talking about is this drive, this yearn, this desire for finding, as Ted so regularly puts it, the mother of my children. You may be thinking "that doesn't sound too bad ." Yeah, alone, it doesn't. Having that drive to find the One isn't a bad thing at all. It's the premature head-over-heels-and-land-on-your-face-first component that's the kicker part of Ted Mosby Syndrome. And this applies to all girls we take interest to, even the ones that we don't even know that well yet - say, girls that we meet once or twice, but then have to leave for a news report about a guy jumping off a bridge, or something like that.  It's a sure killer for men like us.

People with Ted Mosby Syndrome are normally well aware of the fact that we have it. We are acutely aware that yes, it's crazy to feel such a way about a girl. Yes, we know that it's stupidly juvenile and naive. And yes, we completely torn apart by the reasonable and understandable fact that it's unreasonable and freaks girls out. But I'll tell you one thing though ,we care. We care to be there when you need a shoulder to cry on. We care to love and cherish each day with you no less than the day before. We care to actually care about you more than anyone on this planet. And why? Because that's who we are. It's part of Ted Mosby Syndrome.

Having said that, I need to address the pink elephant in the room. Some people see Ted Mosby Syndrome as the signature indication of a desperado. In fact, I'm sure that if you look at anyone who claims to be in Ted Mosby's position, I'd more than likely be inclined to agree that they probably do appear to be desperate. And perhaps they are. But when you look at these people, I want you to look at why they want that someone special in their life. More than often enough, they want them because they think that it will complete them and make them "happy". I put "happy" in quotations for a reason *as I put both my index and middle fingers in the air and do air quotes*. Ladies  a man does not rely on woman for contentment of his own. What happens when their partner no longer keeps them satisfied? What then huh? When you have Ted Mosby Syndrome, you love because you want to give; not because they have an heart warming smile, gorgeous eyes and beautiful hair, not because they're rich and they buy you stuff, and because they make you feel better - regardless of the method or context. But to just give and give everything because that is your very nature. Nothing more. Nothing less. Right from the very beginning when you first see her; like something out of an old movie where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says "See that girl? I'm going to marry her some day."

I'd be lying if I said that all men who truly have Ted Mosby Syndrome are completely happy. By golly gosh, sometimes it's miserable, frustrating and down right depressing. The condition can have those effects and I'm sure we've all seen the toll its taken on the person whom this condition was named after. But do you know why we feel like this? It's because we have all this loving to give but it's being used, thrown away, rejected or even ignored and that's rough going, especially when you only mean to make her truly feel loved. However, it's all part of the process and in the name of finding the One. And in the end, we know it's going to be worth it. As Mr Mosby declared himself in his pilot episode monologue:

"You know what?  I’m done being single.  I’m not good at it.  Look, obviously you can’t tell a woman you just met you love her, but…it sucks that you can’t!  I’ll tell you something though!  If a woman – not you, just some hypothetical woman – were to bear with me through all this, I think I’d make a damn good husband, because that’s the stuff I’d be good at.  Stuff like making her laugh, and being a good father, and walking her five hypothetical dogs."


 I’m not ashamed that I’m like Ted Mosby. He knows what he wants….he’s been through hell to get it…and now he has it. But that’s not even the coolest part. Whenever I tell my kids how I met their mother…my voice will change into Bob Saget’s!!! I can’t wait!

PERSONAL/THOUGHTS/DATING: TIMING IS A BITCH

 If you have never watched How I Met Your Mother, shame on you. I freakin love that show. I realized I am Ted Mosby. For those who haven't seen the show, Ted is a guy who falls in love with the first girl who shows him any attention.  He is a hopeless romantic who keeps searching for that "one". He has a bad tendency to think that every girl he meets is the "one". Haha. And thats where I can relate. Its like "Here you go! Here's my heart" then "Awww" (Thats me after she turned it down), next girl comes around and  "Here you go! Here's my heart" then "Awww". Yup vicious cycle.

I saw an episode the other day that surprised me because I finished one of Ted's comments. Totally freaked me out! It was Season 7, Episode 1"The Best Man" I'll insert the conversation between him and Robin.


Ted: I used to believe in destiny you know? I’d go to the bagel place, see a pretty girl in line, reading my favorite novel, whistling the song that’s been stuck in my head all week and I'd think “Wow. Hey maybe she’s the one”. Now I think “I just know that bitch is going to take the last whole wheat everything bagel.”

Robin: You’ve just been focused on work

Ted: No, it’s more than that. I stopped believing. Not in some depressed I’m going to cry during my toast way. Not in a way I even noticed until tonight. It's just every day I think I believe a little less and a little less and a little less and that........sucks. What do I do about that Scherbatsky?


Robin: Your Ted Mosby, you start believing again.

Ted: In what? Destiny?

Robin: Chemistry. You should have chemistry. You only need one other thing.

Ted: What’s that?

Robin: Timing.  But timing’s a bitch.

I answered the "sucks" part. Haha. Well enough about me, I mean Ted. You get the point. 

POETRY: COME BE WITH ME

Come spend, my love, 
with me, this day
while warm, soft breezes 
gently play.
With meadowlarks 
in joyous mood,
as young fawns 
browse in dappled wood.

The earth fills out 
to Nature's touch -
with greens and browns 
and greys and such.
When all the world seems 
brightly gay;
Come spend, my love, 
with me, this day.

2


Love's hypnotic rhapsody washes over me
                 It's bewitching spell drowning my soul
                        in wavewashed ecstasy
                 As I submit myself to her unparalleled
                                beauty.

               Pondering an endless horizon, I wonder at
                    the endlessness of my feelings;
                   Joy soaring to boundless altitudes
               Love, burning with an intensity which will
                           scorch the earth
                          purging it of hate,
                  Love, unbound and endless, which
                        will nourish the world,
                       feeding those lonely souls
                     who have never known Love.

                   My heart intones endless litanies,
                  for my love for you,as a religion,
                         and you, as a goddess
                  of all that is beautiful and sublime
                     inhabit the temple that is my
                                 soul
                Presiding over my emotions and desires
                        with arms outstretched
                   and understanding in your heart.

THOUGHTS/REVIEW: THE ENDING OF HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER.

“You know what? I’m done being single, I’m not good at it. Look, obviously you can’t tell a woman you just met that you love her, but it sucks that you can’t. I’ll tell you something though, if a woman, not you, just some hypothetical woman, were to bear with me through all this, I think I’d make a damn good husband, because that’s the stuff I’d be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser…”

–Ted Mosby, “Pilot” How I Met Your Mother, 1×01

“Hi— I’m Ted Mosby. And exactly 45 days from now you and I are going to meet and we’re going to fall in love and we’re going to get married and we’re going to have 2 kids and we’re going to love them and each other so much. All that is 45 days away, but I’m here now I guess because… I want those extra 45 days with you. I want each one of them. Look and if I can’t have them I’ll take the 45 seconds before your boyfriend shows up and punches me in the face, because… I love you. I’m always gonna love you, til the end of my days and beyond. You’ll see.”

–Ted Mosby, “Time Travelers” How I Met Your Mother, 8×20

A few weeks ago I sat down to watch what seemed to be a perfectly light-hearted and  fun concept episode of How I Met Your Mother where Ted and Barney’s future selves tried to convince them to go and see Robots vs Wrestlers (a great call back to season 5) while Marshall and Robin were involved in an all out war over who got a drink named after them that ended in a dance off.  It was a perfectly fluffy episode until things started to take a turn.  It started to get dark when Coat Check Girl from Season One (Free Jayma Mays from Glee!! Also, please give her a sandwich) walked into McClaren’s and Ted seemed to go and talk to her.  We saw the conversation play out with coat check girl’s future selves appearing and essentially saying the relationship is doomed from the beginning because they will eventually end because “that’s how it always works for you, Ted.”

It was like a punch to the stomach.  Little did I know what was coming next.

Because then Barney said to Ted that none of this had ever happened.  That he had actually been sitting in alone in the booth at McClaren’s the whole time because Lily and Marshall were at home with Marvin and Robin and Barney were at their apartment wedding planning.  “Look around you, Ted.  You’re all alone.”  And then future Ted began to reflect on all the things he WOULD have done that night if he had known the future.  He would have gone back to Marshall and Lily’s.  He would have spent time playing middle man in Barney and Robin’s wedding planning.   He would have gone to his own apartment and soak its atmosphere in.  But most of all…he would have gone running to his future wife to tell her that he was going to meet her in 45 days.

Cue me sobbing.

(It was a monologue so perfectly delivered by Josh Radnor that it would win him an Emmy if the voters would pay attention to anyone in this cast other than the brilliant Neil Patrick Harris.)

Some fans found this episode confusing.  I didn’t.  At all.  It’s an episode about the fact that you never know how close you may be to finding happiness.  Ted is in a dark place right now.  All of his close friends are paired off and yet he can’t seem to find anyone that sticks.  He’s losing hope.  He’s feeling like he’s always going to be alone.  And he has NO IDEA how close he is to getting his happy ending.  He has no idea that everything he’s ever wanted is literally just over 6 weeks away.  Future Ted can look back at that night and know how close he was.  We, the viewers, have always known that Ted finds happiness.  But present Ted doesn’t know that.  And that’s why this show is so beautiful.  How I Met Your Mother has always been a show that is about the journey.  It’s NOT really about meeting the mother (though we all WANT to and more importantly we want to see them fall in love), it’s about what it took to become the person that the mother would fall in love with.  It’s about navigating that weird time in your life that is your late twenties and early thirties.  And ultimately it’s a show about hope.  Because even when our characters in the present day don’t have any, we, the viewers, do.  Because we know that it all ends well.

Here’s the thing with me and How I Met Your Mother: I am the exact same age as the characters.  And that’s why I hold them so dear.  They are probably closer to my heart than even my beloved Friends because I have aged along with them and they have felt like my friends.  Their “lives” have so often felt like MY life…to the point where I have often joked that the writers have hidden cameras   Sage astutely put it this way: since Friendsdebuted when we were much younger, it always felt more like a fantasy life  How I Met Your Mother feels more like real life.  With better apartments and wardrobes.

I can admit the show has had some rough patches creatively.  All long running shows do.  But the good ones find their way out of them.  Even in its rougher periodsHIMYM has managed to tug at my heartstrings.  I will be a fan of it for life and I will always defend it and its characters.  It often seems that Ted Mosby is in the middle of most criticisms about the show.  I’ve read complaints that he is the least compelling character on the show.  That’s he’s snobby and douchey and generally just unbearable as a person.

Well.  I’m here to tell you that you are wrong.  Ted Evelyn Mosby is AWESOME.

And I am not just saying that because his journey is the one I tend to identify with the most emotionally.

We’ve seen Ted go on this journey from the idealistic guy in pilot who is love with the IDEA of being in love with someone to a man who is actually READY for marriage and all that it brings in.  It’s been a long journey and one that has gone down some questionable paths.   Ted has been unbearably whiny.  He’s been a smarmy douchebag.  He’s chosen the wrong women (Zooey, Victoria 2.0, this last crazy girl whose name I can’t even remember).  He held on to his feelings for Robin too long.  I’m not denying any of the claims against his character.  But I WILL say that his character HAD to go through all of those things to be fully ready for the woman he’s going to spend the rest of his life with.  He needed to go on this ridiculous and fun and often frustrating path.  And he’s here.  Almost at the end.  At last.  That’s why I was so overwhelmed by the ending of “The Time Travelers”.  I have spent 9 years watching this character grow and struggle and to know that his journey is ALMOST complete is incredibly rewarding.

Hang in there, Teddy Westside.  You are SO close.  And you don’t even know it.

So if his character arc isn’t enough for you, here are ten more reasons why Ted Mosby is awesome…

 He bought his future family home when it was a dilapidated wreck and restored it himself.“Sometimes our best decisions are the ones that don’t make sense at all.”

Ted often makes impulsive choices.  Like buying his “dream house” as a reaction to his mother getting married for a second time (when he hasn’t even been married ONCE!).  His heart, as Marshall so eloquently puts it, is “both drunk and a kid”.

“That’s the thing about stupid decisions – we all make them, but time is funny and sometimes a little magical. It can take a stupid decision, and turn it into something else entirely. Because kids, as you know, that house… is *this* house.”

Ted stealing the blue French Horn on his first date with Robin is one of the most iconic moments of the series.  It shows exactly what kind of guy he is.  He’s the guy who will go to any length to make a girl happy.  Even if it involves larceny.He would have stolen her an entire orchestra.

So I will never hear a word against him.

LOVE LETTER: DEAR SOULMATE

Dear Soulmate,

Ever since my eyes noticed how breath taking you are when you smile, my plans changed. This is too early for me, but you make me wanna lose control over my feelings. Why is that? It’s like you weren’t part of the plan but still I like the fact that you happened. That you came.

But every time I try to picture you beside me, there’s always this voice inside my head that tells me to stop. To get a hold of myself and shake this feeling off before it gets messy. It sucks because now, you’re the reason why I look forward to tomorrows. After quite sometime, I find myself smiling again just because I got a text or something. And I find myself wondering about the possibilities of this so-called “you and me”. You make me wanna write songs about you, make me wanna like give in to whatever bizarre adventure you wanna try. I hate you for making me feel like this. This wasn’t part of the plan. But you make me feel things I thought I’ve already forgotten about. And I’ve no idea how you make me both happy and sad at the same time.

It’s like I want you to know these things but at the same time, I don’t. Cause what if you find this creepy or like what if this would kill all the beautiful things that might happen in the future? But like what if this would clear things up and you’d tell me you feel all these for me too? Just so you know, I am not a fan of this particular thing that I’m feeling right now. I find it weird and scary. But with you, it’s different. It’s like you’re an exception. Goddammit, what did you do to me?

I want to talk to you everyday. I want to hear you sing. I want to see you smile. I want you to read this. I want you to not see this at all. I want you to know. I want you to tweet about me. I want you to blog about me. I want you to say my name and smile for no reason.  I want to know about your day. I want to talk to you on the phone. I want you to call me.  I want assurance. I want you to stay. I want you to be happy. I want to see where this thing goes. I want you. Damn it, I want you.

LOVE LETTER: DEAR SOULMATE

Dear Soulmate

There you go, looking into my eyes again.I get caught up when I look into those eyes,Like two beautiful pools that I love to drown in. I get pulled under in the tidal wave of your soul.Falling deeper and deeper into your eyes,I die,but I am reborn in your smile,That gorgeous smile that breathes life and light to all who see it.Then our lips meet, and all is right with the world,And as long as you're here... Everything always will be.I love you like I've never loved anyone before.and for each passing day.I love you more and more.I don't know what to do.to stop my heart from loving you'cause for each and every day.in my mind you always stay.I'm telling you all this but telling you without lies'cause everytime I see you.I feel more and more alive. I started to mold a sculpture,A work of art you could say.I didn't know quite what it was.I said, "I will know someday."I gave it a whole lot of care...Also, a heart as big as mine.I gave it kindness and love and made it with looks so fine.I gave it loving words to say and tender lips for kisses.I gave it a goofy, silly way,Also ears so he could listen.I also gave it my heart.I made it love me, too.I finally figured out what I created.What I created was you.Your eyes were the stars that at night would inspire,My soul to but yearn for your lips sweetest touch,and quenched by my love's overwhelming desire,To whisper I love you' I love you so much.And untouched were your lips but untouched nevermore,As our passions engulf our souls to their depth,On wings riding high will our ecstasy soar,For our ecstasy soars and our ecstasy's kept.So our lives have been perfect for souls such as ours,And time won't diminish the love that we share,And if ended the morrow by omnipotent powers,Then the morrow had brought me? a beauty so rare.

VIDEO:Quiet Desperation

VIDEO: ONCE UPON A TIME IN TEXAS

ONCE UPON A TIME IN TEXAS by doc39

Of all the Heroes story line...this is my favorite. Once Upon A Time In Texas


Synopsis: Three years in the past Samuel finds Hiro and warns him of the consequences of saving Charlie. But Hiro proceeds, using Sylar to destroy her brain tumour. But Samuel spirits her away and tells Hiro that he won’t get her back unless he helps him. Also in the past Noah considers having an affair with fellow Company agent Lauren. He doesn’t though because he loves his family.

The Good: Heroes tries to capture the magic of season one and of its greatest episode ever (110) as Hiro heads back to a time when the show made sense.

On that basic level this episode worked to capture the attention. By returning to a time which viewers are familiar with the episode does keep you glued to the screen. Though I suspect like me, most fans were wishing that Hiro would accidentally ruin the timeline creating a new future which would be better than the one we have now.

Instead Hiro’s innocent morality is left to carry the episode. On a simple level he remains a sweet and likeable character. I particularly liked the way he told Sylar that he would die alone. He was clearly conning Sylar all along and had no intention of telling him anything relevant about the future. But instead of simply sending Sylar on his way he took the opportunity to point out where Sylar would end up emotionally. Almost urging him to change his ways to avoid the horrific fate of…loneliness. Such is sweet Hiro’s way.

The highlight of the episode was Charlie realising what Hiro’s actions really meant (see Best Moment). It was one of those rare moments when the Heroes writers actually voice the consequences of their characters actions. It was all too fleeting a moment. Hiro emoted his pain and confusion at Samuel’s betrayal well. Samuel too seemed genuinely pained at the murder of Mohiner and whatever else he was up to. He is certainly a more well rounded and plausible villain than Sylar.

The Bad: Lots of little things built up to rob this story of the success it could have had. First and foremost is just the ridiculous idea that you can “manage” the past. Every little thing Hiro did would have radically changed the future. It also seemed odd that Hiro hadn’t thought through how to cure Charlie’s brain tumour. If he loves her that much he should have recalled that detail.

Then there was Sylar’s part in the plot. The producers clearly think that he is the answer to Heroesevery problem. This is the third incarnation of the Sylar character to be featured this season. He really isn’t as intriguing and entertaining as they think he is. Once more the show just looks a bit pathetic with its “fight” scenes which consist of Hiro wheezing back and forth behind Sylar. At least kick Sylar or knock him over or something. Sylar looks like a moron for not just killing Hiro and taking his power when he had the chance or for thinking Hiro would honour the deal when he can change time. And as for his ability to destroy brain tumours…well what can I say? The lack of explanation for how each ability works is poor.

The problem at the core of this story is that Hiro isn’t an interesting character to watch in long stories. He is honourable and likeable but his dialogue is basic as are his emotions. The idea of seeing Samuel put him to work while he pouts and complains isn’t an intriguing prospect. Ditto Mohinder, whose character was changed every half season. Perhaps Samuel killed him because he thought he could do a better job doing the opening voice overs?

Noah’s story seemed irrelevant but I don’t know that for sure (see The Unknown). It certainly felt it and a good example of that was his confrontation with Hiro. It served zero purpose and just screamed “time filler.” I also don’t like the idea of a human going to the Haitian for something so trivial as a bit of heart ache and awkwardness. Losing memories should be portrayed as a horrific event.

The Unknown: The Noah storyline seemed entirely irrelevant. I couldn’t quite put it in “The Bad” because I don’t know if it was entirely useless. It certainly felt meandering as it took place and didn’t seem to have any relevance to his current predicament in our present. He did reveal his desire to teach English but unless Heroes is about to go in a very dull direction I don’t think we will see him quoting Shakespeare again soon. His almost-affair story felt like a way to pad out the trip to the past and if so it was a shame. Particularly as Lauren was one of the few Heroes supporting characters who seemed like a believable, likeable, real person.

So what’s Mohinder been up to?

Best Moment: Charlie’s life has been saved but she isn’t happy. She points out that as lovely as it was for Hiro to save her, he just allowed Sylar to continue on his path of murder. It’s a fantastic point to bring up and she can see that Hiro is being selfish. If he really wanted to right the wrongs of the world then he should have killed Sylar. Her guilt trip really worked because it suited her morality and Hiro’s naivety so well. Sadly she soon forgave him and seemingly gave up on her misgivings.

FAN: FROM A FAN

I made a commitment. It was really hard, i acknowledged the fact that im terrified of real commitment. Like babies. I worked so hard to pick myself up from a disaster that had a large part to do with someone not honoring their commitment. Im scared of committing, changing my life, giving things up, for someone because I am scared they will not live up to their end of the agreement and leave me with all the work. I always put in more than I recieved. That is so exhausting. It is so scary to think to have a baby with someone, no matter how much love there is . I just have these images of myself alone, broke, with a baby, in a foreign country. But that is my baggage, those images. I need to trust. I need to trust a man, that if he puts a ring on my finger, marries me, shows me everything will be okay, it will be okay.  I cant enter a marriage with one foot inside one out. If a good man, an honorable husband asks me to take his hand and trust him, give up work, home, family, independence, country, whatever. I should be able to trust him, trust him to cum inside of me, have his child, trust he will honor his commitment and be a man. Reading your post the other day, made me realize, it is me. I am the problem. I need to let go of this fear of being abandoned in a commitment.   I cant be foolish and give things up for a boyfriend,  I have to either get married, be fruitful, multiply, and so forth..... or commit myself to work, and a single life.

I will always think about your dick. I will. I may always wonder too. I try not to have regrets in my life alex. I am regretful your dick was never in my pussy in many ways. But i am not sad that i gave my pussy to a man that loved me with all my flaws, debt baggage and all, and who wanted and made a commitment to me, instead of a one time thing. Keep it real Alex, a big part of you was very curious about my pussy. You wanted to try it out,   I know you like me in some ways, just like i love you. I see you, maybe you see me too. But it isnt just seeing or getting someone that matters.  What matters is to be proud of that person, to walk out the door hand in hand, no matter who says what or thinks what. To tell the world I love this person, I choose this person. I havent had someone in my life for a long time that was just kind to me, giving, undemanding, nonjudgmental.  I do now. Maybe I didnt feel these butterflies when we kissed. Maybe I dont believe he is my soulmate . What does that mean?  But day one, he was my proud of me, he accepted me, and was sweet to me, and im not afraid to be sweet to him either.

I love you for life Alex. It pains me that you arent fucking a good pussy like you deserve. I know you want to pound into mine, I could make it feel so good for you too. I dont want you to live with regret about not having had it either. And I would normally just do it with you, do your one time thing like you wanted, but I made a commitment.  Im kinky and open minded, obviously.  but im loyal. Im not perfect, but I  am loyal. There are rules that were made, rules about pounding those with emotional attachments, and im not a rule breaker. Im not sneaky either. I had so many people treat me like garbage in the past. I have someone that treats me like a little lost treasure now. It is really nice. It makes me smile. No more tears. I will do the right thing, because anything less is not what I accept of myself. To the man that treats me like a special gift, I will be the woman that I say that I am.


Pussy, real pussy isnt behind your laptop screen, it isnt under your desk, when is the last time you looked under your desk at your house and found a pussy just hanging out there. It isnt in your home, you need to be outside and be where it is. Better pussy is even harder to find. Forget about race, education, and class. Women that are kind, that want to live for someone else other than self. Family, babies, and for husband, and poor children are hard to find. Same as unselfish man, is hard to find. There are even more selfish men than women. Only difference is men can change that attitude because selfishness in men comes from not being exposed or having good pussy. Once they have one they melt into sweet little babies. Women's selfishness doesnt come from lack of good dick, their unkindness is innate and from mothers that didnt teach them to be selfless. Nature and nurture makes a pussy good.  A good pussy makes a dick good.You need to only meet kind women.Kind women attract other kind women because we dont like mean ones. We stay away from them.If you go out into the world with a kind woman, you will attract other kind women.  Whether you are in a store, a restaurant, a park if you are next to a good pussy kind woman, she will attract other kind decent pussy for you. It doesnt happen over night. Takes a while. Lot of good pussy is taken already. Especially in places other than the city. Hard work, investigation location matters, but it works. I went out everyday and did things for two months before my friend andrew met his wife, we were on line for shakespeare in the park,  she was a teacher and I started talking to her about something. Took a while but now he two kids too.You dont like to leave your house. And you dont want to do things with me. You have to if you want pussy. The only men that get pussy without leaving their homes is men that pay for pussy to come to their house. Otherwise you need to go out with your imaginary lasso, everyman has one, and scoop up your pussy and bring her back to your house, only way.

LOVE LETTER: DEAR SOULMATE

Dear Soulmate

You touched my soul awhile ago.A place, no one special, has ever been Afraid was I, to be open to you of the pain lying so deep within.You never gave up, not even once.Breaking down walls chip by chip.The scars are healing, slowly it seems.I'm beginning to feel things again.I'm fragile and scared, afraid to trust..hurt from the past has caused clouded dust.You've given your hand for me to hold.Never do I feel like letting it go in time I'll feel whole again.Can you hear the call of the night, whispering of love's pure delight.It leaves you yearning, wanting more, a lustful rage burning bright. Opened arms draw you in. When did this feeling first begin? Passion boiling in your viens. Is this a blessing or is it sin? Right or wrong, who really cares?? Go with your heart, if you dare. Love only has one chance you know. No time for guessing, no time for 'bewares'. Sometimes a person comes into your life.And you know that they were meant to stay.From the very instant you see them.Your heart falls in love.Sometimes you don't realize what has happened.Ah, this crazy desire of giving a kiss on your lips.This almost impossible desire that consumes me inside.This anxiety to be with you.To meet you just for a moment and be able to see your smile.Feel your hug.Feel your smell.Feel your hands caress my hair.Be able to touch you.The inner intensity of the deepest desire,eternal passion, consuming like fire;The emotion of love is the strongest power, From the beginning of time... to the last hour.

JOURNAL

After being in a miserable marriage, I was really hoping to meet someone real and honest. But instead I’ve found that women just want my profile and ready to analyze it in 1 New York minute. They want it all and they want it now. It’s affecting the way I look at life and dating in general. It’s very hard to shake it off when only the asshole can take a new woman home every night and dump them the next day. Even if I wanted to be a player I would never pass., I’m not interested in sleeping with 100 hot women I just want one woman for one life. Life sucks when it seems everyone in the world is having relationships and sex and you’re left out.

THOUGHTS: I AM NOT PERFECT

As I have spent the day reflecting on my life and the choices that I have made and the things that have happened in my life I laugh when people tell me that they think I am perfect because NO ONE is but especially me.  I am the first to throw myself under the bus and take great ownership over my imperfections…….I also cry my eyes out when I have people tell me that I am fake and not sincere….everything I do is done out of nothing but pure love and service.  This work is my life…it is my calling…and I love it so deeply….

People think that they know me.  People assume that because they read the things that I write, that they “like” pictures that I post or that they have read snips and clips of my story that they know me, know what my life is about, know what is best for me, what my limits are, what my boundaries are, what my marriage was like, and when I got divorced what my adoption journey is like……that I have it all together and I am not allowed a moment….it is like I am being watched…….people just waiting for me to screw up…..for the other shoe to drop so they can jump out and say SEE I TOLD YOU HE ISN’T PERFECT.  HE ISN’T WHAT YOU THOUGHT…..

Well let me save you the time and energy so that you can move on to something more important and more exciting…I am not perfect.  I am sure I am not what you thought.  I am a mess.  My life is a mess, chaos personified.  I have never claimed to be anything but who I am….and guess what….I LOVE my messy, imperfect!

There is always going to be someone that hates everything about you…..no matter how true your heart is, no matter how generous, no matter how beautiful, no matter how faithful, no matter how ANYTHING…..we can’t please everyone!  In fact….we can please very few so why not give our best to those we love the most, that truly know us and love us IN SPITE of all the things that we hate about ourselves……all the things that the world views as imperfect….all the things that others are using against us???

LOVE LETTER: DEAR SOULMATE

Dear Soulmate

We met...two different people from two different worlds...We talked We laughed.We cried with joy  We enjoyed life... together. I have spent a lifetime looking at love from angles not even geometry could explain,then in the blink of an eye,I lost all direction.Like seasons change I have come full circle in the moving of winds that play songs lost to the rhythm of time. But, in all of it, because of you, for one bright flickering moment,I have known what love felt like when laid at my feet to capture my heart.I should be sleep,I  could not, I was dreaming of you, I should be happy,   I'm not, I want you, I should be laughing, can't, I'm missing you, I should let go,I can't, I'm hooked on you,I should have waited, I could not I needed you, I should be able to wait a life time, I can't, I want to be a part of you,I should be hoping,I do, hoping for you,I should give up,  I can't, I'm lonely for you,I should enjoy it,  I do, but I want more of it from you,There is one more thing, I should be doing, and that's loving you, And I do LOVE YOU!When I think of you,   my heart feels warm, knowing you're mine, always there for me.   I'll pick a red rose, place it in your soft hair, knowing you understand how much I love you. You're my sunshine the foundation of my heart; I wouldn't know what to do without you. Tomorrows will come and tomorrows will go; impossible as it may seem, each tomorrow my love for you grows.

LOVE LETTER: MY DEAR

My dear,

It's a simple problem of logic,To prove that you love me.I'll lay out all the premises for you.And then it'll be "proved," don't you see. I want you to know I love you.And I hold you dear in my heart.And from that act of loving... I'm a 'lover'.A label I'm happy fate has to impart.Now, everyone knows a lover is loved.He is loved with a love quite true. In fact, I have heard it is generally said,"All the world loves a lover"- and I won't argue? But, My Dearest, My Love, I don't care for the world.And all their love for me.For you are my world, my sun and my moon.You're my snow sprinkled mountain, my warm blue sea.Yet, I've found in my statement the key to the problem.And the answer is clear and it's sound.It is in the statement I naturally said As I thought of how my love abounds For, if "all the world loves a lover" -as was agreed above. And I'm a lover as I have said because of my love for thee But you are all the world to me, therefore, don't you know. YOU must be this 'world' of Love that abounds and is waiting just for me. Logic is such a powerful tool for proving the world is round. And proving stars are giant suns and water is all that's dew. But proving your love is not the same, I realize all too well. Tho' the logic's there your heart must agree and return my love for you.I dream of the beach and I think of you.You are my joy as the children at play.You are my comfort as the sand that hugs my form. You are my security as the knowledge that you will always be there.You are the warmth of my heart as the sun that warms the sand.You are sensuous as the undulation of the water.You are passionate as the crashing of the waves.You are beautiful as the sunset over the horizon. You are my life as the ocean is life to the world.You are my love as nature meant it to be. With just one Touch.You changed me, so very Much.You gave me hope, when I had none.You made me see how wonderful life can be.With just one Touch.You Showed me Love, like I never knew.You blew into my world like a nice summer breeze.With your eyes, I can finally see how perfect life can be.With just one Touch.You made me see that Dreams can be more than fantasy.You made me have feelings that I never knew.Because of you I feel as though... I'm New!.With just one Touch.I've found what I've Always looked for.Because I found You.I found someone like no other..With just One touch.I found my one true Love.A Love that will last a lifetime.And it's all because I'm lucky to have.Your... Just One Touch.