Dear Soulmate
Who knew my heart would be so easy to capture? Her beautiful blonde hair, her beautiful eyes of azure,Her soft delicate hands, her wonderful precious heart,and her glowing warm smile, all make my heart dart. I am willing to give up everything for you. I would then have my everything, you, my love so true. The day we meet, is the day we'll be joined forever. I feel that your heart and mine have joined together. I'll hold you tight in my arms, from that point on,For whatever you have done, my heart has been drawn. I love you with all my heart; care about you more than anything. Anything to listen to your chest; listen to you breathing, to feel your heart beat fast, all tells me you are beside me.You came into my life without me expecting it.You surprised me by your voice, personality, beauty and kindness. I was impressed by you. We started to talk ever day and night, for hours and hours. We'd talk about anything and everything. You showed me what it was to love someone so much.I learned what love meant because of you. I love you-You may not be the most beautiful woman there is but, in my eyes, you are. Now that you have my heart in your hands..please be careful with it and make sure not to drop and break it because I love you. I promise to do the same with your heart. I promise I'll always love you and care for you
To my dearest, the one whom I adore,I offer you my heart and soul... my love forever more,You changed the way I look at love, of beauty and of life,I long to hold you by my side as lover and as wife,We'll sail the winds of love... and shall for all our years,We'll know the joys of oneness, of caring and of touch,And we'll know a higher realm for loving each, so much.I can offer only boundless love - and when a purest love is known and strives to reach its goal,'Tis then the fragments of our lives - combine to make the whole.Your beauty is unequaled, no jewel but could compare...You are heaven sent and stunning... you simply are sublime,For your spiritual soul and beauty will stand the test of time.I long to hold you closely - and my lips to yours be pressed,And the day shall quickly come when I look into your eyes,For a love like ours, so sacred... no God to us denies.A love so utterly complete... a love you never knew,So when we join as one and stroll beyond our earth,Remember you witnessed life... for in us love gave birth.And the love may simply pass, you'll wish me fond adieu,But if lost to me forever... my love was ne'er in vain,For the love I feel for you... I'll long to feel again.Ah, my darling wipe away your tears,Release the love you hold... let go of all your fears,Don't trust your head in matters, that hold for you such dread,Just open up your soul to me, and follow your heart instead.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Sunday, February 9, 2014
PERSONAL/ DATING: THOU SHALT HATH FUN, NO MATTER WHAT THY DO
What can women do to make men more attracted to them without turning into manipulative wenches? Aside from the ever-succinct “be hot” I think there are other qualities that draw men in. A large number of women will meet the minimum threshold for attraction based on physical appearance. So what makes a woman intriguing? What makes a man want to know her better?
Because there are some women who just – I don’t know – they have that je ne sais quoi. They’re not necessarily outstandingly gorgeous or brilliant or successful…but they know how to rock it. It like that book ...War and Peace. . The character Natasha. Apparently, How does Tolstoy describe Natasha? As a girl of twelve, she is “a bit of quicksilver” – sparkling, and unwilling to be contained. Later she is known for her love of dancing, laughing and flirting.
‘Oh how lovely it is!’ she kept saying. Look what a moon! Oh, how lovely!…I feel like squatting down on my heels, putting my arms round my knees like this, tight – as tight as can be – and flying away This is the effect joie de vivre has on the people around you: They share in it, feeling more engaged, more alive and vital…When you are joyful, when you say yes to life and have fun and project positivity all around you, you become a sun in the center of every constellation, and people want to be near you.”
I was thinking about one times when attracting women was “effortless” for me: Once I was going to visit a friend in Florida. I made it a law: THOU SHALT HATH FUN, NO MATTER WHAT THY DO.
So when the plane got stuck on the tarmac, instead of complaining, I started a conversation with my charming seat partner. She was on her way to NYC, also, for work. I told her of my “law” and although she may have thought I was a weirdo, we had a really great conversation. At the end of the plane ride, at the luggage carousel, she asked for my #. I said, Are you asking me on a DATE? And she said, um, YEAH! So, during this one week trip, there were lots of date
I am just a regular guy, just like everybody else. The only difference is: The focus was on having fun and sharing it. I wanted to have fun, I wanted my seat-mate to have fun, I wanted my friend to have fun. And by sharing it, instead of being less, there was more.
The focus wasn’t on trying to impress some woman or make her jump through hoops. The focus was having fun and sharing joy with others. My parents told me this is what it was like in the old days: People would just go out and have fun, no expectations and no pressures. Just enjoy the miracle that is life.
I make sure that wherever I am...I am always committed to having a good time. if you always try to see the bright side of things and enjoy yourself, then you’ll be happier and you’ll smile a lot and woman will be attracted to that. smile, smile, smile, laugh, laugh, laugh.”
I have a rather irrepressible enthusiasm for lots of things. Suddenly, and for the next several years during my residency, I found myself on the receiving end of numerous confessions of strong attraction, mild obsession and even some declarations of love. Several of these were completely unexpected – they were from woman I didn’t know well at all. Nearly all the woman said some variation on the same thing:
You have such a lust for life!
You are the most alive person I have ever known.
Everything you do is so passionate.
You get the most out of every experience. You leave nothing on the table!
You’re my ideal blend of innocence and passion (She was wrong about the innocence, but I didn’t tell).
Your energy is so contagious.
You obviously like yourself, so I like you too.
etc.
I’ve successfully competed with several handsome, tall, and rich men in my life, and it’s because of this one thing. Finding and sharing the joy in life. When we were dating, my wife used to tease me by observing that “Every day you leap out of bed, exuberant with the joy of living.”
Because there are some women who just – I don’t know – they have that je ne sais quoi. They’re not necessarily outstandingly gorgeous or brilliant or successful…but they know how to rock it. It like that book ...War and Peace. . The character Natasha. Apparently, How does Tolstoy describe Natasha? As a girl of twelve, she is “a bit of quicksilver” – sparkling, and unwilling to be contained. Later she is known for her love of dancing, laughing and flirting.
‘Oh how lovely it is!’ she kept saying. Look what a moon! Oh, how lovely!…I feel like squatting down on my heels, putting my arms round my knees like this, tight – as tight as can be – and flying away This is the effect joie de vivre has on the people around you: They share in it, feeling more engaged, more alive and vital…When you are joyful, when you say yes to life and have fun and project positivity all around you, you become a sun in the center of every constellation, and people want to be near you.”
I was thinking about one times when attracting women was “effortless” for me: Once I was going to visit a friend in Florida. I made it a law: THOU SHALT HATH FUN, NO MATTER WHAT THY DO.
So when the plane got stuck on the tarmac, instead of complaining, I started a conversation with my charming seat partner. She was on her way to NYC, also, for work. I told her of my “law” and although she may have thought I was a weirdo, we had a really great conversation. At the end of the plane ride, at the luggage carousel, she asked for my #. I said, Are you asking me on a DATE? And she said, um, YEAH! So, during this one week trip, there were lots of date
I am just a regular guy, just like everybody else. The only difference is: The focus was on having fun and sharing it. I wanted to have fun, I wanted my seat-mate to have fun, I wanted my friend to have fun. And by sharing it, instead of being less, there was more.
The focus wasn’t on trying to impress some woman or make her jump through hoops. The focus was having fun and sharing joy with others. My parents told me this is what it was like in the old days: People would just go out and have fun, no expectations and no pressures. Just enjoy the miracle that is life.
I make sure that wherever I am...I am always committed to having a good time. if you always try to see the bright side of things and enjoy yourself, then you’ll be happier and you’ll smile a lot and woman will be attracted to that. smile, smile, smile, laugh, laugh, laugh.”
I have a rather irrepressible enthusiasm for lots of things. Suddenly, and for the next several years during my residency, I found myself on the receiving end of numerous confessions of strong attraction, mild obsession and even some declarations of love. Several of these were completely unexpected – they were from woman I didn’t know well at all. Nearly all the woman said some variation on the same thing:
You have such a lust for life!
You are the most alive person I have ever known.
Everything you do is so passionate.
You get the most out of every experience. You leave nothing on the table!
You’re my ideal blend of innocence and passion (She was wrong about the innocence, but I didn’t tell).
Your energy is so contagious.
You obviously like yourself, so I like you too.
etc.
I’ve successfully competed with several handsome, tall, and rich men in my life, and it’s because of this one thing. Finding and sharing the joy in life. When we were dating, my wife used to tease me by observing that “Every day you leap out of bed, exuberant with the joy of living.”
VIDEO: Pilot - Magic
I remember this song driving with my dad.....it makes me wish I was a kid again....
Friday, February 7, 2014
PERSONAL: I MISS YOU, BUT I HAVEN'T MET YOU YET...
I want to meet you already. Haven’t you had enough of that guy that keeps dissing you? Well leave him! Go out, meet people. You are valuable, you are beautiful, and you are the woman of my dreams. You don’t know me, but I am telling you that this man will do anything for you! I’m not sure why we haven’t met yet. But i’m waiting for you! I am dating to spend time while I wait for you to be done with all your trial and errors. I think it’s best that you do that because I am going to love you forever. And I know you need to be ready for that. So let those guys dance around the truth, say things that are not nice or disappoint you. Just know that I am here waiting for you when you are ready. Waiting to love you. Waiting to give you all of me. My soul begs for you and I will work to my limit for you, to give you everything you want. I’m not sure why you haven’t showed up yet. Perhaps that guy with the degree or the TV show, or the bass player of that band, or the stock broker who claims he’ll hit, holds you captive for a moment, but i’m telling you when you’re done I’m here waiting for you... with everything. With the real stuff. With everything I got. With everything I am. With Love! Oh, and by the way I do have house, a car, a great family, and I am a doctor. but what I don’t have is you!
I’ve decided that you will come when the time is right.. and it’s 11:59pm. I can feel it. When I wake up i feel a hope, a dream come true that is you! I know you already. I know what you want. What you need. How you like your breakfast. How you like your french tips done and when you want Sushi. When you feel like buying a new outfit. I will buy it for you. How you are in the morning. How you want me to just listen to you after a hard day. I’ll listen to you after your girlfriend pisses you off. After your family or client made you so made that you feel like exploding. I am here for you to soften the blow, to massage your tense muscles... to make love to you in a way you’ve never been made love to... to be everything and anything you want me to be... but you don’t have to ask. I already know. I’ll even happily dance with you to Don Omar, Pit Bull, salsa, or some 80’s retro ban. I know exactly how you want your drink. Extra Dirty Martini, vodka tonic, some sweet fruity drink, or a light beer. It’s a dance that is perfected over time between two people, but with you and I, time stands still. Our bodies will be one of the same. I'll have what you need and want, and you'll have what I want and need. You'll know me too. What I like, how to respect me and our relationship, how to make me feel like the luckiest man on earth. And if you don't know things about me, you'll take the time to find out. You're patient, bratty at times (but i love that), sincere, unassuming, respectful, confident, intelligent, and graceful. I'll feel like you are always on my side, no matter who is sitting in front of us. We are a team of one. 2 entities merged to one. We are the rhythm, the narrative and soul of our story. "US"
So what’s taking you so long? I guess it’s ok for now. I’ll keep meeting impostors who claim that they are you. And I keep discovering pretty quickly they are not.
So please hurry up my love. I’m getting tired. But I am very exited to meet you.
Your Love,
I’ve decided that you will come when the time is right.. and it’s 11:59pm. I can feel it. When I wake up i feel a hope, a dream come true that is you! I know you already. I know what you want. What you need. How you like your breakfast. How you like your french tips done and when you want Sushi. When you feel like buying a new outfit. I will buy it for you. How you are in the morning. How you want me to just listen to you after a hard day. I’ll listen to you after your girlfriend pisses you off. After your family or client made you so made that you feel like exploding. I am here for you to soften the blow, to massage your tense muscles... to make love to you in a way you’ve never been made love to... to be everything and anything you want me to be... but you don’t have to ask. I already know. I’ll even happily dance with you to Don Omar, Pit Bull, salsa, or some 80’s retro ban. I know exactly how you want your drink. Extra Dirty Martini, vodka tonic, some sweet fruity drink, or a light beer. It’s a dance that is perfected over time between two people, but with you and I, time stands still. Our bodies will be one of the same. I'll have what you need and want, and you'll have what I want and need. You'll know me too. What I like, how to respect me and our relationship, how to make me feel like the luckiest man on earth. And if you don't know things about me, you'll take the time to find out. You're patient, bratty at times (but i love that), sincere, unassuming, respectful, confident, intelligent, and graceful. I'll feel like you are always on my side, no matter who is sitting in front of us. We are a team of one. 2 entities merged to one. We are the rhythm, the narrative and soul of our story. "US"
So what’s taking you so long? I guess it’s ok for now. I’ll keep meeting impostors who claim that they are you. And I keep discovering pretty quickly they are not.
So please hurry up my love. I’m getting tired. But I am very exited to meet you.
Your Love,
PERSONAL: I HAVEN'T MET YOU YET, BUT I HOPE YOU LOVE ME
I haven’t met you yet, and I’ll never send you this letter, because it’s really all about me, and if there’s anything my mom ever told me, it’s that the world doesn’t revolve around me…
But I hope you love me. I hope someday I’ll smile at you, and like a song, that smile will be stuck in your head. I hope you’ll find excuse after excuse to talk to me, I hope that none of those “tips on how to pick up woman” that I’ve read online work on you. I hope I don’t have say stupid boring things for you to notice me. I hope you smile a lot, I smile a lot. I hope we can laugh together, and have adventures of all sorts, even if that means just getting lost in a city like New York.
I hope you like my home and it become our home to have kids running in the yard. I hope we talk for hours, and I hope I can tell you anything. I hope you say my name a lot, and I hope you care about me. No one ever really cares, but I hope you do. I hope you’re nicer that my mom ever was to my dad. I hope you don’t leave me. I hope you don’t leave my crying at night, or turn my heart to stone. I hope you smile a lot and tell me secrets. I want our hugs to last forever, and I hope we take long walks “I love you” is the main topic.
No one ever asks what I want, or what I hope for when it comes to us, because there is no us. There’s just me, except in my world, there’s really just everyone else, but that’s okay because I think you’re out there.
I haven’t met you yet, but if I do, I would very much appreciate it if you fell in love with me… Who wouldn’t
But I hope you love me. I hope someday I’ll smile at you, and like a song, that smile will be stuck in your head. I hope you’ll find excuse after excuse to talk to me, I hope that none of those “tips on how to pick up woman” that I’ve read online work on you. I hope I don’t have say stupid boring things for you to notice me. I hope you smile a lot, I smile a lot. I hope we can laugh together, and have adventures of all sorts, even if that means just getting lost in a city like New York.
I hope you like my home and it become our home to have kids running in the yard. I hope we talk for hours, and I hope I can tell you anything. I hope you say my name a lot, and I hope you care about me. No one ever really cares, but I hope you do. I hope you’re nicer that my mom ever was to my dad. I hope you don’t leave me. I hope you don’t leave my crying at night, or turn my heart to stone. I hope you smile a lot and tell me secrets. I want our hugs to last forever, and I hope we take long walks “I love you” is the main topic.
No one ever asks what I want, or what I hope for when it comes to us, because there is no us. There’s just me, except in my world, there’s really just everyone else, but that’s okay because I think you’re out there.
I haven’t met you yet, but if I do, I would very much appreciate it if you fell in love with me… Who wouldn’t
JOURNAL: THIS OBSESSION WITH LOVE
We all, at some time or another, go through a period I like to call obsessing over nothing. The sentiment that often times resides deep within our psyches without the slightest knowledge and then out of nowhere goes into full gear.And to top it all off, it sits in the driver’s seat. It has the ability to control each and every thought, action, plan of attack in this little thing called life.
Because let’s face it, most of us hate the idea of walking through it alone.Here enters the obsession.The obsession over something that isn’t there, over blank space, over absolutely nothing.We work day in and day out for the perfect figure, the perfect career, the perfect friends…and most importantly, the perfect woman.In my experience, most of these men all too often are depressed, downtrodden and defeated.What is the common complaint? The lack of a girlfriend/ wife or even a prospective date that doesn’t urge them even further to the edge of insanity.They are in love with the idea of love. Deeply, heart-achingly in love. And it’s an unrequited love.
I hate to admit it, but I too have been the victim, the hopeless romantic, the fool.The guy who focuses on the fact that he is alone, that this is the end-all-be-all of happiness. And I don’t know the cure. Somehow, I’ve found that eventually I always wake from my funk, give myself a good hard look in the mirror and a little tough love. Sure, a woman would be nice, but relationships are messy enough—how can we let one that doesn’t even exist yet cause so much agony, so much frustration and so much pain?
We should channel that time and energy into something productive, something positive that might in the end lead us where it is that we want to be with someone we want to be with—a living, breathing woman with a whole bunch of problems of her own for us to worry about.
Love should be all-consuming. It should be passionate, always on your mind and one of the most impactful things in your life. But the lack of it? In my opinion, not worthy of this overwhelming power. I’d save that place of sadness for the real deal—trust me; at some point in the rush of love you may need it.
Because let’s face it, most of us hate the idea of walking through it alone.Here enters the obsession.The obsession over something that isn’t there, over blank space, over absolutely nothing.We work day in and day out for the perfect figure, the perfect career, the perfect friends…and most importantly, the perfect woman.In my experience, most of these men all too often are depressed, downtrodden and defeated.What is the common complaint? The lack of a girlfriend/ wife or even a prospective date that doesn’t urge them even further to the edge of insanity.They are in love with the idea of love. Deeply, heart-achingly in love. And it’s an unrequited love.
I hate to admit it, but I too have been the victim, the hopeless romantic, the fool.The guy who focuses on the fact that he is alone, that this is the end-all-be-all of happiness. And I don’t know the cure. Somehow, I’ve found that eventually I always wake from my funk, give myself a good hard look in the mirror and a little tough love. Sure, a woman would be nice, but relationships are messy enough—how can we let one that doesn’t even exist yet cause so much agony, so much frustration and so much pain?
We should channel that time and energy into something productive, something positive that might in the end lead us where it is that we want to be with someone we want to be with—a living, breathing woman with a whole bunch of problems of her own for us to worry about.
Love should be all-consuming. It should be passionate, always on your mind and one of the most impactful things in your life. But the lack of it? In my opinion, not worthy of this overwhelming power. I’d save that place of sadness for the real deal—trust me; at some point in the rush of love you may need it.
DATING/LOVE/THOUGHTS: WHAT'S UGLY?
Ugly is in the eye of the beholder... I don't mean to be mean when i use the word “ugly.” What I mean is that there appears to be an increase of beautiful women dating seemingly goofy, not very attractive, out of shape “Plain Joe's.” I know what a man does for a living and financial stability is high on most women's mate list so I'm assuming these men should be up to par. Although in my personal experience these “ugly-ducklings” coincidentally all seemed to hold positions in the financial industry, i.e.. loan officer, investment banker, and sometimes real-estate. These are all good gigs no doubt and the truth is that there are all types in all industries (Obviously).
Growing up with 2 sisters I’ve seen a variety of men-types and ethnicities go after their affection. But out in the world most males hear women talk about that hot guy with the sick pack, strong jaw, and of tall stature. Other attributes high on the female “hot” list are a great sense of humor, ambition/drive, status, and of course loaded with moola$. I must admit humor, clever thinking, and ambition has gotten me plenty of pretty ladies.
But now me (and many male friends) are seeing and meeting pretty ladies with great personalities and careers dating and marrying the “Plain Joe”. Ok maybe he’s rich, nope. Maybe he’s funny? Well after several evenings with the last “Plain Joe,” answer is nope. In fact recently one lady’s husband was so childish and socially inappropriate that his jokes were offensive. It was painful to watch. He was also not in shape, not good looking and worked in a mid-level position at a commercial bank. So why did she marry him? Men of all ages have been reporting “She was so beautiful, then I see her boyfriend and i’m like what the hell?” Pictures of couples being posted on Facebook also providing evidence of this phenomena causing men of all ages asking the question, “What the ‘Eff”! “Why him?”
I know there are many variables to attraction and bonding such as Familiarity, Proximity, Commonality, self insecurities and upbringing. All of these contribute to finding someone more attractive than not. Combine that with some chemicals like dopamine and you very well may have yourself a relationship. Psychology, Biology, Sociology, and Evolution have always been the driven force creating relationships since the beginning of human mating. But why him? I guess the answer after dozens of conversation with these women could be summed up in one word... He is SAFE.
Safe can have many meanings depending on the woman. Safe often accompanies phrases like he “treats” her well and he’s “nice and non-threatening.” A good female friend told me that she dated “ugly” guys on purpose because they treated her the best and she felt less threatened and insecure with those types than their more “attractive”counterparts. Elements that eventually make the female “secure” in a variety of ways.
What’s ugly anyway? It’s in the eye of the beholder. I know for most men, physical beauty is important and relative. Thank God visual and physical good-looks are not as important to women as they are to men (generally speaking). And I use the word ugly only to be sarcastic. In a world of materialistic gratification, this “Ugly” phenomena is a refreshing reminder that women are looking beyond the superficial fancy cars and materialism and towards more important characteristics like honesty and plain old “niceness” instead. (Although financial stability still falls high on the list no matter what people say).
Good news for me is that if “Ugly” is in, then i should be cashing in on the pretty ladies..Wait, I think I just gave myself a lonely compliment.
Growing up with 2 sisters I’ve seen a variety of men-types and ethnicities go after their affection. But out in the world most males hear women talk about that hot guy with the sick pack, strong jaw, and of tall stature. Other attributes high on the female “hot” list are a great sense of humor, ambition/drive, status, and of course loaded with moola$. I must admit humor, clever thinking, and ambition has gotten me plenty of pretty ladies.
But now me (and many male friends) are seeing and meeting pretty ladies with great personalities and careers dating and marrying the “Plain Joe”. Ok maybe he’s rich, nope. Maybe he’s funny? Well after several evenings with the last “Plain Joe,” answer is nope. In fact recently one lady’s husband was so childish and socially inappropriate that his jokes were offensive. It was painful to watch. He was also not in shape, not good looking and worked in a mid-level position at a commercial bank. So why did she marry him? Men of all ages have been reporting “She was so beautiful, then I see her boyfriend and i’m like what the hell?” Pictures of couples being posted on Facebook also providing evidence of this phenomena causing men of all ages asking the question, “What the ‘Eff”! “Why him?”
I know there are many variables to attraction and bonding such as Familiarity, Proximity, Commonality, self insecurities and upbringing. All of these contribute to finding someone more attractive than not. Combine that with some chemicals like dopamine and you very well may have yourself a relationship. Psychology, Biology, Sociology, and Evolution have always been the driven force creating relationships since the beginning of human mating. But why him? I guess the answer after dozens of conversation with these women could be summed up in one word... He is SAFE.
Safe can have many meanings depending on the woman. Safe often accompanies phrases like he “treats” her well and he’s “nice and non-threatening.” A good female friend told me that she dated “ugly” guys on purpose because they treated her the best and she felt less threatened and insecure with those types than their more “attractive”counterparts. Elements that eventually make the female “secure” in a variety of ways.
What’s ugly anyway? It’s in the eye of the beholder. I know for most men, physical beauty is important and relative. Thank God visual and physical good-looks are not as important to women as they are to men (generally speaking). And I use the word ugly only to be sarcastic. In a world of materialistic gratification, this “Ugly” phenomena is a refreshing reminder that women are looking beyond the superficial fancy cars and materialism and towards more important characteristics like honesty and plain old “niceness” instead. (Although financial stability still falls high on the list no matter what people say).
Good news for me is that if “Ugly” is in, then i should be cashing in on the pretty ladies..Wait, I think I just gave myself a lonely compliment.
ARTICLE: WHY YOU ARE NOT MARRIED BY TRACEY MCMILLON
WHY YOU ARE NOT MARRIED, WOMEN (or Married to The Woman You want, men)
I found 2 articles from Tracey McMillon. The first is for women, the second is for men.
FOR WOMEN: The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.
1. You're a Bitch. Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off. The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.
2. You're Shallow. When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit. Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.
3. You're a Slut. Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long. That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.
4. You're a Liar. It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now." You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear! About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.
5. You're Selfish. If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems. Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.
6. You're Not Good Enough. Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job. Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this. I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.
Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry. Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.
The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:
FOR MEN Well, you want Her, with a capital H. The sexiest, most beautiful, smartest, most resourceful, desirable woman you can get. But that's the problem, isn't it? You can't get her. And here are the reasons why:
1. You're a dick. It kind of goes without saying, women want to be with a guy who is nice to them. (Though the first and probably biggest sign you're a dick is that you don't believe this.) But when you are sarcastic, argumentative, or contemptuous of a woman's lady-ways—the messy friends, the astrology-talk, the big, big emotions—you're not being nice. Even if you open her car door on dates. Being a dick is when you're so self-centered, you think your ideas are pretty much the only worthy ones and you secretly believe other people are inferior to you. Not that you know you think this. Like your female counterpart, the Bitch, you'd rather believe other people just can't handle how awesome you are. And you're right. All that awesomeness sucks, actually. In any case, if you want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks and acts just like you, why not start fucking your dude friends?
2. You're a pussy. It's not fair to women that calling a man a pussy is considered an insult. Because we women love and cherish our pussies, just as you do. But that said, you know what's meant by this: You're a guy who is taking it, not giving it. Day to day, this translates to letting yourself be pushed around—by your boss, by telephone tech support people, and of course, by women. I know my gender studies friends are going to get mad at me for saying so, but a whole lotta men (and a bunch of women, too) define manhood by the ways in which a guy is able to "stick it" to the world. I'm not saying that's how manhood should be defined, but I do know this: Being able to draw a (fair, loving) line is a key ingredient in partnering. And the most desirable women have so many options for mates, they're not often going to settle for any guy who can't do that.
3. You're still married to your mom. Ewwwww. Why would I even say something so disgusting? Well, because every man starts life in exactly the same place: inside his mother's body. Okay? That's how important your mom is. You lived in there, and even though you don't remember it, this was a big deal. Then you were born and for the first ten years or so, you were completely dependent on this woman in her twenties or thirties (and you know how these women are, because you're dating them) for everything: food, warmth, shelter, cookies. And this fucked you up. It just did. Even if your mom did it perfectly, which she didn't, you came out of the experience with some quirks at best and trauma at worst. Which is a long way of saying: if you want to stop dating strippers, alcoholics, and/or ragers, you are going to have to work this shit out.
4. You're broke. I've noticed a really interesting thing: Most men magically begin to consider marriage right around the time they become able to afford a wife. Obviously, that's in part because traditionally, wives require money. But, the bigger issue is that a man's money game is indicative of something larger—like his whole life situation. Your money shows your relationship to work, and your relationship to power. And your relationship to power tells whether you're right within. There are exceptions to this, of course: like, you're about to get a Ph.D. in rocket science, or you're a badass community organizer who is about to run for state legislature. But more often than not, if you're over 30 and you're broke, something's broken. And if you want to get respect from women, you are going to need to figure out what it is.
5. You're shallow. This is so obvious I almost didn't mention it. I have an attorney friend who once said he "only dates eights, nines, and tens". When I asked him to give an example of a "nine," he named an actress most famous for playing second banana on Baywatch. Needless to say, if your notion of the ideal woman is the junk-food version of female sexuality, you are not going to be interested in a long-term relationship unless one of the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders suddenly decides to marry you. And that's not going to happen. The cosmic joke here, of course, is that the very woman you want only for her boobs, in turn only wants you for your wallet. Which means you guys deserve each other.
6. You're a user. The biggest thing a man has to conquer is himself. But guys who haven't figured that out try to conquer everything around them—business rivals, rainforests, oil-producing nations, and of course, women—which ends up looking an awful lot like exploitation. If you're still using people, places, and things for your own gratification, you're not just a detriment to the world, you're a little boy. (Real estate developers, cult leaders, U.S. senators, and computer barons are a few examples that come immediately to mind.) Using includes hedge-fund pillaging, lying to women in order to control them, and abusing yourself or others—through words, deeds, or substances. (Yes, pornography is a substance.) This isn't about moralizing. It's about being aligned with what is highest in you. And though this is going to get me into a big argument with my philosopher boyfriend about the is-ought problem, I will just say that exploiting people and/or things is not what's highest in a man. Period.
So, there you have it. It's pretty simple, really. In order to get (or keep) a really amazing woman—and why would you want anything less?—you are going to have to be a really amazing man. But you're not even sort of amazing yet. Which means you're stuck dating the women who will take you as-is. And deep down, you know you can do better. You can do better by being better.
Now, I'm not saying that you can wake up next to Kate Upton sometime next year. (She's too young, anyway.)
I found 2 articles from Tracey McMillon. The first is for women, the second is for men.
FOR WOMEN: The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.
1. You're a Bitch. Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off. The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.
2. You're Shallow. When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit. Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.
3. You're a Slut. Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long. That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.
4. You're a Liar. It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now." You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear! About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.
5. You're Selfish. If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems. Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.
6. You're Not Good Enough. Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job. Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this. I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.
Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry. Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.
The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:
FOR MEN Well, you want Her, with a capital H. The sexiest, most beautiful, smartest, most resourceful, desirable woman you can get. But that's the problem, isn't it? You can't get her. And here are the reasons why:
1. You're a dick. It kind of goes without saying, women want to be with a guy who is nice to them. (Though the first and probably biggest sign you're a dick is that you don't believe this.) But when you are sarcastic, argumentative, or contemptuous of a woman's lady-ways—the messy friends, the astrology-talk, the big, big emotions—you're not being nice. Even if you open her car door on dates. Being a dick is when you're so self-centered, you think your ideas are pretty much the only worthy ones and you secretly believe other people are inferior to you. Not that you know you think this. Like your female counterpart, the Bitch, you'd rather believe other people just can't handle how awesome you are. And you're right. All that awesomeness sucks, actually. In any case, if you want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks and acts just like you, why not start fucking your dude friends?
2. You're a pussy. It's not fair to women that calling a man a pussy is considered an insult. Because we women love and cherish our pussies, just as you do. But that said, you know what's meant by this: You're a guy who is taking it, not giving it. Day to day, this translates to letting yourself be pushed around—by your boss, by telephone tech support people, and of course, by women. I know my gender studies friends are going to get mad at me for saying so, but a whole lotta men (and a bunch of women, too) define manhood by the ways in which a guy is able to "stick it" to the world. I'm not saying that's how manhood should be defined, but I do know this: Being able to draw a (fair, loving) line is a key ingredient in partnering. And the most desirable women have so many options for mates, they're not often going to settle for any guy who can't do that.
3. You're still married to your mom. Ewwwww. Why would I even say something so disgusting? Well, because every man starts life in exactly the same place: inside his mother's body. Okay? That's how important your mom is. You lived in there, and even though you don't remember it, this was a big deal. Then you were born and for the first ten years or so, you were completely dependent on this woman in her twenties or thirties (and you know how these women are, because you're dating them) for everything: food, warmth, shelter, cookies. And this fucked you up. It just did. Even if your mom did it perfectly, which she didn't, you came out of the experience with some quirks at best and trauma at worst. Which is a long way of saying: if you want to stop dating strippers, alcoholics, and/or ragers, you are going to have to work this shit out.
4. You're broke. I've noticed a really interesting thing: Most men magically begin to consider marriage right around the time they become able to afford a wife. Obviously, that's in part because traditionally, wives require money. But, the bigger issue is that a man's money game is indicative of something larger—like his whole life situation. Your money shows your relationship to work, and your relationship to power. And your relationship to power tells whether you're right within. There are exceptions to this, of course: like, you're about to get a Ph.D. in rocket science, or you're a badass community organizer who is about to run for state legislature. But more often than not, if you're over 30 and you're broke, something's broken. And if you want to get respect from women, you are going to need to figure out what it is.
5. You're shallow. This is so obvious I almost didn't mention it. I have an attorney friend who once said he "only dates eights, nines, and tens". When I asked him to give an example of a "nine," he named an actress most famous for playing second banana on Baywatch. Needless to say, if your notion of the ideal woman is the junk-food version of female sexuality, you are not going to be interested in a long-term relationship unless one of the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders suddenly decides to marry you. And that's not going to happen. The cosmic joke here, of course, is that the very woman you want only for her boobs, in turn only wants you for your wallet. Which means you guys deserve each other.
6. You're a user. The biggest thing a man has to conquer is himself. But guys who haven't figured that out try to conquer everything around them—business rivals, rainforests, oil-producing nations, and of course, women—which ends up looking an awful lot like exploitation. If you're still using people, places, and things for your own gratification, you're not just a detriment to the world, you're a little boy. (Real estate developers, cult leaders, U.S. senators, and computer barons are a few examples that come immediately to mind.) Using includes hedge-fund pillaging, lying to women in order to control them, and abusing yourself or others—through words, deeds, or substances. (Yes, pornography is a substance.) This isn't about moralizing. It's about being aligned with what is highest in you. And though this is going to get me into a big argument with my philosopher boyfriend about the is-ought problem, I will just say that exploiting people and/or things is not what's highest in a man. Period.
So, there you have it. It's pretty simple, really. In order to get (or keep) a really amazing woman—and why would you want anything less?—you are going to have to be a really amazing man. But you're not even sort of amazing yet. Which means you're stuck dating the women who will take you as-is. And deep down, you know you can do better. You can do better by being better.
Now, I'm not saying that you can wake up next to Kate Upton sometime next year. (She's too young, anyway.)
JOURNAL
I am not feeling myself for a few weeks already. I found out last weekend that I might have "root fracture" which require a bone graft...implants...ect. It about 6 month of treatment on my tooth. Went for a second opinion last night and my old dentist agreed. I am letting him do it..since my insurance won't really pay for anything....which sucks big time.
My mom got surgery done on this week. She is doing well. I worry about her constantly.
Still feeling lonely.
My mom got surgery done on this week. She is doing well. I worry about her constantly.
Still feeling lonely.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
FROM A FAN: ABOUT LOVE
Over the past few days, as I was perusing my Facebook newsfeed, I came across several update posts from single girlfriends spread out across the nation that shared a common thread. Different women, same negative sentiment, and cryptic posts declaring an outright boycott on love. Saddened to see these wonderful women throw in the towel and vow to close their hearts.
Repeatedly having their hearts broken, getting worked up over a man, and ending up let down every time. Taking it as far as, giving up on future prospects of dating, retreating from social media outlets, and letting bitterness win the battle. Compelled to reach out to my sweet single sisters, provide encouragement, and impart a word of advice.
It frustrates me to no end when I see women date complete donkeys, tolerate horrible behavior, make endless excuses for douche-baggery, sell themselves short, shed tears, and give up on LOVE. No one should ever give up on happiness, love and themselves. When I heard my girlfriend tell me she wasn't enough for him in order for him to stay, I almost blew a head gasket. No one should ever have to feel this way.
Realizing this was grief speaking, I struggled how to gently give my girlfriend a good shake and wake up call. As Dr. Phil McGraw would say, "What are you thinking?!" I am sure you are thinking that I am being incredibly judgemental and I need to get off my soap box. Balancing a listening ear and biting my tongue can be a challenge for me. While I believe I am supportive, my experiences have molded me into becoming very straight-forward, perhaps brutally honest individual. Sugar coating doesn't help anyone.
Take for example, in the past, if I was dating a not so nice guy, my girlfriends would tip toe around what they really want to say. On the other hand, my best male friend, would give me his shooting straight from the hip opinion. Not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear. Most of the time, what my girlfriends would say, would go in one ear, out the other.
However, the blunt man approach has been most effective with me. I have adopted it myself. I will never forget the day my best friend, Rob, told me what he thought of the man I was seriously dating. "Cis, he did (fill in the blank) and he did (fill in the blank) to you. Not.A.Fan." That was all I needed to hear. Guess which stuck with me?
As I write this, I want to express that I am not pointing fingers or placing blame on past romances that did not thrive. Simply I wanted to share that we ALL experience heartache. Even the one who broke your heart has had his broken at some point too. We are all human. Now it is time to glance in the mirror. Taking a good look at yourself is not always the easiest pill to swallow. However it is a necessary act towards healing and moving forward in life.
As I look back, it is interesting to see how I never imagined to find love again after my divorce. Yet, a year after filing for divorce, I met a man whom, overtime, I fell madly in love with. The depths of my love for this man exceeded anything I had ever felt before. Not even with my former husband during our twenty years together. Still to this day, I have yet to feel a similar connection with another person. Much like my girlfriends, I was so blinded by love and a dopamine overload clouded my rational thinking, I remained in a relationship that was not good for me.
Never settle. Love yourself enough to know when to walk away. It is never too late. You want to be treated right, you must demand and expect it. Men and women (this goes for you too fellas) will treat you the way you ALLOW them to treat you.
Long story short, I spent two years loving an emotionally unavailable man, who was still separated for almost TEN years. It was a stream of excuses of why he remained married on paper, how his ex broke his heart, why he will never remarry, etc. Pouring all my love into him, hoping he would miraculously change, praying his heart would turn, and that we would live happily ever after. Apparently, aliens abducted me and performed a lobotomy, thinking now, "Where was your brain, Cicily?"
When the military moved him to the East Coast, I was devastated, because he moved on. On occasion, I would receive a text every six months, claiming he was thinking of me and missed me. Sometimes throwing in an "I love you". Even visiting each other on the East Coast several times. I allowed him to treat me as an option, not a priority.
Finally, I took a stand. No longer was I was going to allow myself to be strung along and having him rip off the band aid on my heart ever few months. Putting myself first meant I had to make the choice to cut all communication. It was about time, I learned how to love myself. At the end of the day, I don't regret our time together or how it ended. I loved him. I am sure he loved me, as much as he was capable of loving. We shared wonderful memories. Sometimes that is not enough. I am grateful for him because it was a catalyst for profound change in my life.
Over the last two years, I have chosen to not get into another serious relationship, until I figured out the following: what makes me happy, what do I love, what do I love about myself, actualizing those life goals and figuring out exactly what kind of man am I seeking to enhance my life.
Instead of pining for the past over unrequited love, why not take this very moment to express gratitude for the perfect individual God has chosen for you. When someone loves you, I promise you they are going to stick around and fight for you. If not, let them go, they weren't the one. J.D Salinger once said, "There are still a few men who love desperately." I believe this to be true and I am willing to hold out.
Sometimes I smile to myself, knowing despite all the countless heartbreaks, somehow I know someday that it will all turn out. I may have to wait. I will never give up. I know in my heart, wherever he is, whenever it is right, he will come out of nowhere, and into my life. So my sweet ladies. You definitely will have to wait, but please don't ever give up. Somewhere in this great big world, your love is out there looking for you,
Repeatedly having their hearts broken, getting worked up over a man, and ending up let down every time. Taking it as far as, giving up on future prospects of dating, retreating from social media outlets, and letting bitterness win the battle. Compelled to reach out to my sweet single sisters, provide encouragement, and impart a word of advice.
It frustrates me to no end when I see women date complete donkeys, tolerate horrible behavior, make endless excuses for douche-baggery, sell themselves short, shed tears, and give up on LOVE. No one should ever give up on happiness, love and themselves. When I heard my girlfriend tell me she wasn't enough for him in order for him to stay, I almost blew a head gasket. No one should ever have to feel this way.
Realizing this was grief speaking, I struggled how to gently give my girlfriend a good shake and wake up call. As Dr. Phil McGraw would say, "What are you thinking?!" I am sure you are thinking that I am being incredibly judgemental and I need to get off my soap box. Balancing a listening ear and biting my tongue can be a challenge for me. While I believe I am supportive, my experiences have molded me into becoming very straight-forward, perhaps brutally honest individual. Sugar coating doesn't help anyone.
Take for example, in the past, if I was dating a not so nice guy, my girlfriends would tip toe around what they really want to say. On the other hand, my best male friend, would give me his shooting straight from the hip opinion. Not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear. Most of the time, what my girlfriends would say, would go in one ear, out the other.
However, the blunt man approach has been most effective with me. I have adopted it myself. I will never forget the day my best friend, Rob, told me what he thought of the man I was seriously dating. "Cis, he did (fill in the blank) and he did (fill in the blank) to you. Not.A.Fan." That was all I needed to hear. Guess which stuck with me?
As I write this, I want to express that I am not pointing fingers or placing blame on past romances that did not thrive. Simply I wanted to share that we ALL experience heartache. Even the one who broke your heart has had his broken at some point too. We are all human. Now it is time to glance in the mirror. Taking a good look at yourself is not always the easiest pill to swallow. However it is a necessary act towards healing and moving forward in life.
As I look back, it is interesting to see how I never imagined to find love again after my divorce. Yet, a year after filing for divorce, I met a man whom, overtime, I fell madly in love with. The depths of my love for this man exceeded anything I had ever felt before. Not even with my former husband during our twenty years together. Still to this day, I have yet to feel a similar connection with another person. Much like my girlfriends, I was so blinded by love and a dopamine overload clouded my rational thinking, I remained in a relationship that was not good for me.
Never settle. Love yourself enough to know when to walk away. It is never too late. You want to be treated right, you must demand and expect it. Men and women (this goes for you too fellas) will treat you the way you ALLOW them to treat you.
Long story short, I spent two years loving an emotionally unavailable man, who was still separated for almost TEN years. It was a stream of excuses of why he remained married on paper, how his ex broke his heart, why he will never remarry, etc. Pouring all my love into him, hoping he would miraculously change, praying his heart would turn, and that we would live happily ever after. Apparently, aliens abducted me and performed a lobotomy, thinking now, "Where was your brain, Cicily?"
When the military moved him to the East Coast, I was devastated, because he moved on. On occasion, I would receive a text every six months, claiming he was thinking of me and missed me. Sometimes throwing in an "I love you". Even visiting each other on the East Coast several times. I allowed him to treat me as an option, not a priority.
Finally, I took a stand. No longer was I was going to allow myself to be strung along and having him rip off the band aid on my heart ever few months. Putting myself first meant I had to make the choice to cut all communication. It was about time, I learned how to love myself. At the end of the day, I don't regret our time together or how it ended. I loved him. I am sure he loved me, as much as he was capable of loving. We shared wonderful memories. Sometimes that is not enough. I am grateful for him because it was a catalyst for profound change in my life.
Over the last two years, I have chosen to not get into another serious relationship, until I figured out the following: what makes me happy, what do I love, what do I love about myself, actualizing those life goals and figuring out exactly what kind of man am I seeking to enhance my life.
Instead of pining for the past over unrequited love, why not take this very moment to express gratitude for the perfect individual God has chosen for you. When someone loves you, I promise you they are going to stick around and fight for you. If not, let them go, they weren't the one. J.D Salinger once said, "There are still a few men who love desperately." I believe this to be true and I am willing to hold out.
Sometimes I smile to myself, knowing despite all the countless heartbreaks, somehow I know someday that it will all turn out. I may have to wait. I will never give up. I know in my heart, wherever he is, whenever it is right, he will come out of nowhere, and into my life. So my sweet ladies. You definitely will have to wait, but please don't ever give up. Somewhere in this great big world, your love is out there looking for you,
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
DATING/LOVE: DATING A SINGLE MOM AND WHY YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER SHOULD TAKE PRECEDENCE
To me, for the good of any relationship or marriage, no relationship takes precedence over it. I tell my friends all the time.."Take care of your marriage because if that fails, so does everything else..." If your relationship fails it means your child wont have the benefit of having both parents to love, care for, instruct, & impart knowledge on him/her so the child is missing what it needs most from life. It takes two parents to make the child and it takes two parents to raise a mentally stable, healthy & complete child. If your relationship/marriage fails from neglect, you cannot teach your child how to have a successful relationship/marriage because you don't know how yourself.
When couples put each other first, their needs are met. This creates a stronger bond between them, which makes them better able to meet their child's needs and create a positive, healthy atmosphere in which to raise a family. When you put your children first, you risk losing your partner, which causes family upheaval and fear and insecurity in children. It is the couple relationship that helps the household run smoothly
Single parenthood is a unique challenge I don't think I could do it.I was involved with a single woman for three years. I learned a lot during that time.
I realized that I require a lot of attention which most single mom are unable to provide since they have to give most of their attention to their kids. I totally understand that. Being involved with a single mom doesn't involve just one heart, but the hearts of her children. Most kids are more likely than not would to resent me and my presence for not being their real dad. Ex-husband or boyfriend are always in the picture which always cause alot of drama.
A lot of single moms also don’t want to have more children which I do want. Ex-husband or boyfriend are always in the picture.
When couples put each other first, their needs are met. This creates a stronger bond between them, which makes them better able to meet their child's needs and create a positive, healthy atmosphere in which to raise a family. When you put your children first, you risk losing your partner, which causes family upheaval and fear and insecurity in children. It is the couple relationship that helps the household run smoothly
Single parenthood is a unique challenge I don't think I could do it.I was involved with a single woman for three years. I learned a lot during that time.
I realized that I require a lot of attention which most single mom are unable to provide since they have to give most of their attention to their kids. I totally understand that. Being involved with a single mom doesn't involve just one heart, but the hearts of her children. Most kids are more likely than not would to resent me and my presence for not being their real dad. Ex-husband or boyfriend are always in the picture which always cause alot of drama.
A lot of single moms also don’t want to have more children which I do want. Ex-husband or boyfriend are always in the picture.
Monday, February 3, 2014
JOURNAL: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
Today is my birthday. I am grateful for everything that I have. Last year this time, I was in the hospital cafe...wondering if my father would live or die. And last night, my father surprised me with a gift. I was touch. I am going to focus only on what I have and be grateful for it...I don't want to complain about that much anymore.
It's snowing today. I might actually leave work early today..which would be another gift that God has given to me.
It's snowing today. I might actually leave work early today..which would be another gift that God has given to me.
LOVE LETTER: DEAR SOULMATE
Dear Soulmate,
How many ways to I love you..let me count them all when I'm able to do that Only then will you know let me tell you what I feel each and every time we kiss. Deep-reaching thoughts consume my soul.And fire of love burns deep within me. As you struck my heart with tender words you spoke.The crave for your love draws me close to you. You make my life worth a living and sweet. The smile on your face guides me through the night and became the light that brightens up my day.Your passionate voice caresses my soul as joy fills my heart,with thoughts of you. Can you imagine Loving someone forever? I know I could;Now that I'm falling for you.Every single second my heart beats. Saying I could fall in love. You are the water I drink...I see you in everything...You are the air I breathe...We will forever be...I love you, whole body and soul...I am cast in your spell, ever to hold...You make my heart ever free...My one true love you will be...With your hand in mine is my life...Together we'll make it through life's strife...You are my love, my soul mate, dear...I'll love you forever, have no fear..How could I possibly love you more,When it is you that I adore.I don't know how, but I do,Fall deeper and deeper in love with you.You are so special and I want to say,I love you more with each passing day.I would show you how much you mean to me,With a hug and a kiss placed, so, tenderly.So, if you love me, as I do you, Then, these feelings, we share, must be true.
How many ways to I love you..let me count them all when I'm able to do that Only then will you know let me tell you what I feel each and every time we kiss. Deep-reaching thoughts consume my soul.And fire of love burns deep within me. As you struck my heart with tender words you spoke.The crave for your love draws me close to you. You make my life worth a living and sweet. The smile on your face guides me through the night and became the light that brightens up my day.Your passionate voice caresses my soul as joy fills my heart,with thoughts of you. Can you imagine Loving someone forever? I know I could;Now that I'm falling for you.Every single second my heart beats. Saying I could fall in love. You are the water I drink...I see you in everything...You are the air I breathe...We will forever be...I love you, whole body and soul...I am cast in your spell, ever to hold...You make my heart ever free...My one true love you will be...With your hand in mine is my life...Together we'll make it through life's strife...You are my love, my soul mate, dear...I'll love you forever, have no fear..How could I possibly love you more,When it is you that I adore.I don't know how, but I do,Fall deeper and deeper in love with you.You are so special and I want to say,I love you more with each passing day.I would show you how much you mean to me,With a hug and a kiss placed, so, tenderly.So, if you love me, as I do you, Then, these feelings, we share, must be true.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
ARTICLE:The science of happily ever after By Susannah Cahalan
Well, I have a bridge to sell you.
That’s because in love, as with genies, we only get three wishes, says relationship expert Ty Tashiro. The more traits you pick that are above the average, the lower the statistical odds that you’ll find a match. And three is the tipping point.
Imagine you have a room of 100 men. If you choose mediocrity — the trifecta of average income, looks and height — you’ll have, statistically, only 13 suitors out of 100 to choose from. Increase your criteria to an attractive man at least 6-feet tall who makes $87,000, and you’re left with only one.
Add another trait — funny, kind, even a political affiliation — and it becomes statistically impossible to find him out of 100 men.
Tashiro, a professor at the Center for Addictions, Personality, and Emotion Research at the University of Maryland, has run the numbers and thinks we’re approaching this whole finding-a-mate thing wrong. He urges singles to be more statistical in their approach to the “irrational” world of dating.
“All this wishing has led to a case of wanting everything and getting nothing,” Tashiro writes in his first book, “The Science of Happily Ever After: What Really
Matters in the Quest for Enduring Love” (Harlequin). Dating should be “about learning to weed out the undesirable traits and rethinking our views about what really matters in a romantic partner.”
Our fairy-tale view of romance — 88 percent of adults believe in soul mates — has contributed to the fact that although 90 percent of people will marry in their lifetimes, only three in 10 will find enduring love, Tashiro says. (He gets this statistic by adding unhappy marriages and separations to the 50 percent divorce rate).
When finding a long-term partner, don’t waste your wishes, he warns.
So what should be on your list? Keep attractiveness off the table, if you can. Looks are not a predictor of sexual satisfaction, nor do they correlate to happier marriages. In fact, there “is no reliable association between physical attractiveness and relationship satisfaction,” he writes, quoting from his own research.
A study at the University of Tennessee, which recruited 82 newlyweds to rate each other’s attractiveness (to keep it honest they also had the research assistants rate their hotness factor), corroborates his conclusions. What they found was that there was “no relationship between either partner’s level of physical attractiveness and either partner’s relationship satisfaction.” The only significant association found was that the most physically attractive men were least satisfied with their marriages.
In addition, money does not a happy marriage make — at least over a certain point. Money makes a difference on the low end of the income scale (which has the highest divorce rates in the first 10 years of marriage), but there seem to be “diminishing returns” on happiness in marriage above a financially stable $75,000 a year.
“Once this $75,000 threshold is crossed, there is no significant association between more wealth and higher levels of psychological well-being,” Tashiro writes. “There comes a point when affluence becomes associated with social pressures and social isolation.”
It seems smartest, then, to focus on finding someone who can “help you create a household where basic needs are met and there is a low probability of experiencing economic hardship.”
So what is the best personality indicator for sustaining a loving relationship? The answer is . . . drum roll, please . . . agreeableness, a. k. a. “the nice guy.”
Agreeableness, one of the Big Five personality traits in the Five Factor Model of human psychology — the others being extroversion, conscientiousness, neuroticism and openness — describes someone who is “courteous, flexible, trusting, good-natured, cooperative, forgiving, soft-hearted and tolerant.”
Sure, it’s unsexy, but it’s the most reliable sign that your mate is a keeper for the long haul.
One study of 168 couples found that “the best variables for predicting who would stay married, even better than love, expressions of affection or negativity, was responsiveness, which is closely related to the trait of agreeableness,” Tashiro writes.
Plus, agreeable people are often better in bed.
“Men high in agreeableness are not only more likely to be kind, but also more likely to keep the sexual desire alive in relationships,” he writes. They are more giving and often more sensitive, which makes for better between-the-sheets action.
In other words, when looking for marriage material, nice guys should finish first. This is equally true for men looking for women: Niceness trumps all.
If
you’re playing the odds, it’s best to invest in a nice mate instead of a hot or filthy rich one.
Even more so, nice guys tend to stay nice. Looks and money do not come with a lifelong guarantee, while personality traits (i.e. those Big Five) tend to stay constant over a lifetime, according to longitudinal studies.
So what is the No. 1 worst trait for relationship sustainability? Sorry, Woody Allen and friends: This one is neuroticism, defined as those prone to anxiety, depression, embarrassment, emotional instability and insecurity.
One study found that neurotic partners were more likely to break up with partners with lower rates of neuroticism “as if neurotics could not stand their good fortune.”
Many other studies have found that neuroticism is the No. 1 predictor of future relationship success — or lack thereof.
“The only variable that distinguished happily married couples from those who were unhappily married and from the two groups that divorced was contrariness, which is the variable most closely related to the personality trait of neuroticism,” Tashiro writes.
That’s not all. Openness, though a good trait on the surface — cultivated, cultured, imaginative, original — makes for a relationship disaster when combined with low levels of conscientiousness. This novelty-seeking mate is almost certain to cheat, he writes.
Unfortunately, because of the magic tricks that love plays on perception, we often don’t see the tell-tale signs. There’s actually a term for
this trend: Researchers call it “positive illusory bias,” when people inflate the positive personality traits and future potential of their mates, compared to outside judges like family, friends and even strangers.
Take this sobering study conducted by John Gottman at the University of Washington. Couples came to the “Love Lab” and were asked to talk for 15 minutes about “continuing disagreements” and “events of the day” as researchers who had never met the couple observed.
Certain behaviors — like signs of defensiveness or resentment — were noted. With these details, trained researchers were able to detect whether or not the couple would divorce in 10 years with 90 percent accuracy. In another similar study done at Harvard, even untrained undergraduates were able to guess the couples’ futures based on a 15 minute interaction with an 81 percent accuracy.
While researchers can see clearly, so many of us are blinded by love.
So what are we do to?
To properly fall in love, you need to have sound levels of “liking” and “lusting,” Tashiro writes. It sounds simple, but maintaining both factors is complicated — especially when you take into account attrition rates.
Like and lust diminish over time, but at different rates. According to studies, liking declines at a rate of 3 percent per year, while lust deteriorates faster at 8 percent per year. Clearly, putting our eggs in the like basket is a much smarter investment strategy, Tashiro says.
Knowing all this — and most of us should — doesn’t stop the fact that finding a mate is largely an “irrational” process. Statistics and love are like oil and water, but Tashiro hopes to make the mixture a bit more palatable, especially for those looking for long-term love.
Be clear about our goals, he says. Are we looking for a fling? A marriage? Do we want stability or a hot affair? Once we know this, move on to the traits that we require in a lover. (Remember: No more than three.)
“A grown-up love story should not be a fairy tale or a romantic tragedy, but instead should be approached as a mystery,” he writes. “If the goal is to find the truth in love, to search for love that is real and enduring, then love cannot be left to fate.”
One thing you can do is to take seriously those early red flags, the peccadilloes in our loved ones we’re certain we can change.
“If you choose someone with traits that drive you crazy or make you sad while you’re dating, then those traits will make you crazy or sad for decades to come,” he writes. “So you want to choose well, because what you see is what you get.”
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