Sunday, December 22, 2013
Saturday, December 21, 2013
LOVE: PENGUINS AND LOVE
Adelie penguins they spend their whole lives looking for this one other penguin and when they meet them, they know and they spend the rest of their lives together.
I like that fact.
Is that what we as people do, are we really all that dissimilar in what deep down we want?
Ok, this is quite clearly real life and we are people and it is unrealistic to think that you are ever going to find true love that easily.
Or is it?
I'm not sure anymore. I think many of us really love the idea of no strings sex. Cutting the emotion out and that way no one gets hurt.
I can see that mentality is people. Hey I even think it myself!
But if I'm being really honest with myself, I want the one. Shame she wasn't the one that I married or the people in between who somewhere along the line I've fallen for then worked out it wasn't quite right.
That's the journey that makes us all.
But deep down are we really all like the penguins, weather we are gay, straight, etc. is irrelevant really. We are all looking on some level even if it is subconscious for that other penguin.
In my case I wan, someone that makes me tingle from head to toe and someone who feels exactly the same way.
Theres a bit of a chick flick film called Never been kissed and I got this from it..I put it in my blog the sound bit
" That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time. "
That is what I ultimately want.
I like that fact.
Is that what we as people do, are we really all that dissimilar in what deep down we want?
Ok, this is quite clearly real life and we are people and it is unrealistic to think that you are ever going to find true love that easily.
Or is it?
I'm not sure anymore. I think many of us really love the idea of no strings sex. Cutting the emotion out and that way no one gets hurt.
I can see that mentality is people. Hey I even think it myself!
But if I'm being really honest with myself, I want the one. Shame she wasn't the one that I married or the people in between who somewhere along the line I've fallen for then worked out it wasn't quite right.
That's the journey that makes us all.
But deep down are we really all like the penguins, weather we are gay, straight, etc. is irrelevant really. We are all looking on some level even if it is subconscious for that other penguin.
In my case I wan, someone that makes me tingle from head to toe and someone who feels exactly the same way.
Theres a bit of a chick flick film called Never been kissed and I got this from it..I put it in my blog the sound bit
" That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time. "
That is what I ultimately want.
JOURNAL: NOT GIVING UP
Giving up.
Waving a white flag at life is the easiest way to solve things. just stand there and let these roadblocks pass or be okay with living with these roadblocks until the end of time. is this okay?
No. No, it is not.
i refuse to give up. waiting for misfortunes pass away or being content to live with these restraints is a mistake. breezing through life will never help reach full potential. each of us are created with so much individuality and special talents, so why put them to waste? why allow growing pains stop you from reaching your best?
Don’t stop trying until the apex. struggling builds character, teaches precious lessons, and amazes people. instead of sighing to “struggle,” i will grin. there is a roadblock, but when i successfully climb it, i will use it to jump to my next potential.
Never will i raise a white flag. keep fighting. have good faith.
Every day, God gives us the sun – and also one moment in which we have the ability to change everything that makes us unhappy. Every day, we try to pretend that we haven’t perceived the moment, that it doesn’t exist – that today is the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow. But if people really pay attention in their everyday lives, they will discover that magic moment. It may arrive in the instant when we are doing something mundane, like putting our front-door key in the lock; it may lie hidden in the quiet that follows the lunch hour or in the thousand and one things that all seems the same to us. But that moment exists – a moment when all the power of the stars becomes a part of us and enables us to perform miracles.
Joy is sometimes a blessing, but it is often a conquest. Our magic moment help us to change and sends us off in search of our dreams. Yes, we are going to suffer, we will have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments – but all of this is transitory it leaves no permanent mark. And one day we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken.
I could have. What does this phrase mean? At any given moment in our lives, there are certain things that could have happened but didn’t. The magic moments go unrecognized, and then suddenly, the hand of destiny changes everything.
PERSONAL/JOURNAL: WHAT I WANT.....
It’s silly, wanting things.
I want someone to go to bed thinking of me. To wake and send me a good morning text just because he knows it will brighten my day. I want sweet dreams texts too, and conversations that end with “You hang up…no you hang up” because we are so enthralled with the rhythmic measure of each other’s voice it’s hard to say goodbye, even if it is just temporary.
I want a note in the bathroom mirror, I want a who who isn’t afraid to tell her friends about me, who will sneak up on me in the dining hall and wrap me in her arms from behind, just so everyone around us knows that I am her and she is mine.
I want someone who wants to know me better than I know myself. Who makes it her goal to memorize every line in my face, just so I’ll be etched into her memory forever. Who won’t care if one day I show up in a suit, whilst the next I’m in sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. I want someone to whom my physical appearance is only a bonus, an added plus to the handsome radiant man she sees behind the temporary fog of mortality that is a human body.
I want someone who likes cuddling just for the physical contact, who likes her weight against my chest, who likes to feel my heart against her Because knowing that I am there gives her comfort. Who can tell just by hearing my voice, seeing me walk, when I need her most. I want her to give me forehead kisses, I want her to need to touch me, to reach out and stroke the back of my hand because she just needs the contact between us, to know that I am indeed real.
I want someone who puts thought into every gift, every action. I want her to write about me, even if she isn’t a writer and the words are a strung together mess of thought and verbose clumsiness. I want her to care enough that she has to inscribe onto paper how she feels. Who will explore the entire world with me because there is nothing he would rather do.
I want someone who searches for adventure, not the adrenaline pumping life-threatening kind (though sprinkles of that would be okay too), but just the adventure and thrill that she can find in everyday life from doing silly everyday things.
I want someone who will take my hand and walk with me along the beach, regardless of the weather. Someone who will dance in the rain, and hold my hand when it thunders. Someone who doesn’t mind my midnight walks to nowhere because she understands that sometimes I just can’t sleep. I want someone who wants to explore the nighttime world with me.
I want goodnight kisses, “well don’t you look beyond adorable” kisses, Eskimo kisses, and random unprompted kisses that occur just because she can press her lips to mine. I want someone with whom I have a secret handshake; which we only pull out in the most dire of circumstances. I want spontaneity, and trying things just because we could, and secret code words, and inside jokes. I want all these childish things that will keep us young together, because when we are together the fingers of time can’t touch us.
I want someone who will rub the space between my shoulders when I have panic attacks. Who massages the place between my forefinger and thumb when she holds my hand. I want someone who will fight for me. Not necessarily physically, but emotionally, who will see that I’m not worth giving up on, that I, like her, am a work in progress and second chances are occasionally needed, and sometimes we’ll hurt each other but in the end we are always able to move past that and grow. To become better for one another because we make each other want to be better.
I want love. Lasting love that my grandkids will talk about forever, one that they will try to mirror their relationships after because, in our own crazy way, we shared a love story that will resonate through the ages.
I want someone who understands relationships are work and that nothing in life ever comes easy. I want someone who wants me for me.
And most of all I want someone who wants all of these things, and more, from me; because I want to give them.
I want someone to go to bed thinking of me. To wake and send me a good morning text just because he knows it will brighten my day. I want sweet dreams texts too, and conversations that end with “You hang up…no you hang up” because we are so enthralled with the rhythmic measure of each other’s voice it’s hard to say goodbye, even if it is just temporary.
I want a note in the bathroom mirror, I want a who who isn’t afraid to tell her friends about me, who will sneak up on me in the dining hall and wrap me in her arms from behind, just so everyone around us knows that I am her and she is mine.
I want someone who wants to know me better than I know myself. Who makes it her goal to memorize every line in my face, just so I’ll be etched into her memory forever. Who won’t care if one day I show up in a suit, whilst the next I’m in sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. I want someone to whom my physical appearance is only a bonus, an added plus to the handsome radiant man she sees behind the temporary fog of mortality that is a human body.
I want someone who likes cuddling just for the physical contact, who likes her weight against my chest, who likes to feel my heart against her Because knowing that I am there gives her comfort. Who can tell just by hearing my voice, seeing me walk, when I need her most. I want her to give me forehead kisses, I want her to need to touch me, to reach out and stroke the back of my hand because she just needs the contact between us, to know that I am indeed real.
I want someone who puts thought into every gift, every action. I want her to write about me, even if she isn’t a writer and the words are a strung together mess of thought and verbose clumsiness. I want her to care enough that she has to inscribe onto paper how she feels. Who will explore the entire world with me because there is nothing he would rather do.
I want someone who searches for adventure, not the adrenaline pumping life-threatening kind (though sprinkles of that would be okay too), but just the adventure and thrill that she can find in everyday life from doing silly everyday things.
I want someone who will take my hand and walk with me along the beach, regardless of the weather. Someone who will dance in the rain, and hold my hand when it thunders. Someone who doesn’t mind my midnight walks to nowhere because she understands that sometimes I just can’t sleep. I want someone who wants to explore the nighttime world with me.
I want goodnight kisses, “well don’t you look beyond adorable” kisses, Eskimo kisses, and random unprompted kisses that occur just because she can press her lips to mine. I want someone with whom I have a secret handshake; which we only pull out in the most dire of circumstances. I want spontaneity, and trying things just because we could, and secret code words, and inside jokes. I want all these childish things that will keep us young together, because when we are together the fingers of time can’t touch us.
I want someone who will rub the space between my shoulders when I have panic attacks. Who massages the place between my forefinger and thumb when she holds my hand. I want someone who will fight for me. Not necessarily physically, but emotionally, who will see that I’m not worth giving up on, that I, like her, am a work in progress and second chances are occasionally needed, and sometimes we’ll hurt each other but in the end we are always able to move past that and grow. To become better for one another because we make each other want to be better.
I want love. Lasting love that my grandkids will talk about forever, one that they will try to mirror their relationships after because, in our own crazy way, we shared a love story that will resonate through the ages.
I want someone who understands relationships are work and that nothing in life ever comes easy. I want someone who wants me for me.
And most of all I want someone who wants all of these things, and more, from me; because I want to give them.
PERSONAL/JOURNAL: DATING AGAIN...
On the heels of a 5 year marriage that ended in divorce and two years to recover, the prospect of dating absolutely terrifies me. I don’t even know how to do it! I mean, I suppose I could call back to a few tricks I learned in high school (Do girls still like making out in the back seat of a car with Hootie and Blowfish playing?) but I doubt it would have the same impact. Just kidding.
And while we’re on the subject, you can add sexual anxiety to the pile. Over the course of more than a two years since my divorce I’ve had only two sexual partner. Once you have learned someone’s body it’s easy to convince yourself that you’re an incredible lover. However, I have it on good authority that all women are not the same in that department. So where I was consistently delivering 100% of the time, I’d be lucky to convert 70% - 75% of the time in today’s market. Women have it so much luckier than men in this department. Sure some of us are into that 50 Shades of Grey shit, or can only cum if you’re wearing a mascot costume, but for the vast majority of us, If you just work on that thing that’s sticking up, literally staring you in the face, you’ll probably be fine. With women you need to know what to to touch and when, what to say, what to wear, what music should be playing, the fucking barometric pressure, it’s exhausting! “Just ask them what they like.” A friend of mine advised. I supposed it’s worth a shot, but I can’t even get a woman to tell me where she wants to go for dinner. I feel I’d get that stock, “Whatever you like is fine,” answer, and much like that ill-advised date at Applebees, I’m the only one that leaves satisfied.
If the perfect girl walked into my life would I take a chance? I like to think I would. What does perfect mean? For me perfection has always been defined by one trait; imperfection Because when you strip all the bull shit away. The make up, the clothes, the small talk, the money, the fancy car, the prestigious job, all of the images we put out to make us seem perfect, all we’re left with are the imperfections. It’s those abnormalities that make us unique. Our scars make us special. I’m looking for the girl with the right balance of both. Someone who is perfectly broken.
I need a girl who’s smart. Like freakishly smart. If you wade through my rather shallow dating pool, the only constant you will find is intelligence and kindness. Make me want to crawl inside your head and desperately spend a lifetime figuring out how your mind works. There’s nothing sexier.
I need a girl with a great sense of humor. Or maybe more specifically, my sense of humor. Ironically the same sense of humor that attracts people to me is the trait that repulses them over time. It can be dark, biting, inappropriate, ill-timed. It will make you cry, but I promise those times will always make me feel worse than they ever make you feel…Just not bad enough to keep from doing it again next time. Besides, if you’re crying there’s an equal chance that I’ve done something sweet and thoughtful as rude and insensitive. The real dirty secret is, I’m more sensitive than you could ever be. Chances are if someone is crying on the couch it’s me after witnessing some random act of kindness or a peanut butter commercial with a father and son.
I need a girl who gets me. This is the rough one. How do you start coming to terms with a person who craves attention but desperately wants to blend in with his surroundings? Someone who can be the life of the party one night then inexplicably shy and mute the next? I can be fun and dynamic but battle with bouts of depression. Arrogant yet self loathing. It’s safe to say that I live my life at the extremes, but that’s not always a negative. I may not be the warmest person on the planet, but when I love someone I love them hard, because that’s the only way I know how to do it.
I could go on, creativity, passion, a hard edge to even out my fairly vanilla lifestyle, someone who challenges me and calls me on my bull shit, but knows that I also need validation and support, I think you get the point. I just want someone who makes sense. Who makes me feel calm and at home. Someone who realizes I can’t offer her the world, but thinks what I can give her is pretty great. Most of all, I want someone who wants to be with me. In the end isn’t that the only thing we’re all looking for?
Oh, and I also need a blonde with perfect tits and a great ass. What? I’m still a guy…Would it help if I said I’m a good cook?
XOXO
And while we’re on the subject, you can add sexual anxiety to the pile. Over the course of more than a two years since my divorce I’ve had only two sexual partner. Once you have learned someone’s body it’s easy to convince yourself that you’re an incredible lover. However, I have it on good authority that all women are not the same in that department. So where I was consistently delivering 100% of the time, I’d be lucky to convert 70% - 75% of the time in today’s market. Women have it so much luckier than men in this department. Sure some of us are into that 50 Shades of Grey shit, or can only cum if you’re wearing a mascot costume, but for the vast majority of us, If you just work on that thing that’s sticking up, literally staring you in the face, you’ll probably be fine. With women you need to know what to to touch and when, what to say, what to wear, what music should be playing, the fucking barometric pressure, it’s exhausting! “Just ask them what they like.” A friend of mine advised. I supposed it’s worth a shot, but I can’t even get a woman to tell me where she wants to go for dinner. I feel I’d get that stock, “Whatever you like is fine,” answer, and much like that ill-advised date at Applebees, I’m the only one that leaves satisfied.
If the perfect girl walked into my life would I take a chance? I like to think I would. What does perfect mean? For me perfection has always been defined by one trait; imperfection Because when you strip all the bull shit away. The make up, the clothes, the small talk, the money, the fancy car, the prestigious job, all of the images we put out to make us seem perfect, all we’re left with are the imperfections. It’s those abnormalities that make us unique. Our scars make us special. I’m looking for the girl with the right balance of both. Someone who is perfectly broken.
I need a girl who’s smart. Like freakishly smart. If you wade through my rather shallow dating pool, the only constant you will find is intelligence and kindness. Make me want to crawl inside your head and desperately spend a lifetime figuring out how your mind works. There’s nothing sexier.
I need a girl with a great sense of humor. Or maybe more specifically, my sense of humor. Ironically the same sense of humor that attracts people to me is the trait that repulses them over time. It can be dark, biting, inappropriate, ill-timed. It will make you cry, but I promise those times will always make me feel worse than they ever make you feel…Just not bad enough to keep from doing it again next time. Besides, if you’re crying there’s an equal chance that I’ve done something sweet and thoughtful as rude and insensitive. The real dirty secret is, I’m more sensitive than you could ever be. Chances are if someone is crying on the couch it’s me after witnessing some random act of kindness or a peanut butter commercial with a father and son.
I need a girl who gets me. This is the rough one. How do you start coming to terms with a person who craves attention but desperately wants to blend in with his surroundings? Someone who can be the life of the party one night then inexplicably shy and mute the next? I can be fun and dynamic but battle with bouts of depression. Arrogant yet self loathing. It’s safe to say that I live my life at the extremes, but that’s not always a negative. I may not be the warmest person on the planet, but when I love someone I love them hard, because that’s the only way I know how to do it.
I could go on, creativity, passion, a hard edge to even out my fairly vanilla lifestyle, someone who challenges me and calls me on my bull shit, but knows that I also need validation and support, I think you get the point. I just want someone who makes sense. Who makes me feel calm and at home. Someone who realizes I can’t offer her the world, but thinks what I can give her is pretty great. Most of all, I want someone who wants to be with me. In the end isn’t that the only thing we’re all looking for?
Oh, and I also need a blonde with perfect tits and a great ass. What? I’m still a guy…Would it help if I said I’m a good cook?
XOXO
THOUGHTS: SICK AND TIRED OF DATING
I am getting so tired of woman right now...i am serious thinking of giving up dating period.Its all about finding love and acquire daytime vagina. There is no magic trick that will get you laid.
I know i shouldn't blaming woman because I am unhappy. I know it's not their responsibility to validate my humanity with their vaginas. I know they are ot obligated to like me because I am "nice" to them.But after my divorce I was really hoping to meet someone real and honest. But instead I’ve found that women just want my profile and ready to analyze it in 1 New York minute. They want it all and they want it now. It’s affecting the way I look at life and dating in general. It’s very hard to shake it off when only the hot men who can take a new woman home every night and dump them the next day. I’m not interested in sleeping with 100 hot women I just want one woman for one life.
I’m angry at how much time I’ve wasted only to discover that a woman are superficial. I am tired of being alone. I’m even avoiding going out to gatherings because I dislike the discomfort of going alone and staring at all the other happy couples. Life sucks when it seems everyone in the world is having relationships and sex and you’re left out.
Friday, December 20, 2013
PERSONAL/ LOVE LETTER: DEAR SOULMATE
Dear Soulmate,
Love... a wave of feeling awash in our minds, yet it's so hard for some hearts to find. Some can show their hearts upon their sleeves and others shed love like a tree does leaves.But when two people, two souls come together in that wonderful bliss, it results in a feeling, a power, a Fire that you can never miss.Have I ever told you how much you mean to me.You're the stars in my eyes like constellations in a midnight sky.You're the beating of my heart.You keep me going when I want to stop.You're my sunshine when there's rain.You're my joy when I'm in pain.You're my one and only My everything.You're more than life and everything in it and I just wanted to say. I love you.When i look into your eyes, i know I've found home.I can look deep inside your heart and know that I'm there. Over all I see, from the beautiful rose to the extravagant tree over the gigantic mountains through the deep, dark, blue sea.I can only conclude- that there is nothing as beautiful and lovely as..thee.A light touch of your skin on my own. A whisper of something my ears hadn't really heard.It doesn't matter...Your eyes: aquariums of amber liquid still haunt me
Love... a wave of feeling awash in our minds, yet it's so hard for some hearts to find. Some can show their hearts upon their sleeves and others shed love like a tree does leaves.But when two people, two souls come together in that wonderful bliss, it results in a feeling, a power, a Fire that you can never miss.Have I ever told you how much you mean to me.You're the stars in my eyes like constellations in a midnight sky.You're the beating of my heart.You keep me going when I want to stop.You're my sunshine when there's rain.You're my joy when I'm in pain.You're my one and only My everything.You're more than life and everything in it and I just wanted to say. I love you.When i look into your eyes, i know I've found home.I can look deep inside your heart and know that I'm there. Over all I see, from the beautiful rose to the extravagant tree over the gigantic mountains through the deep, dark, blue sea.I can only conclude- that there is nothing as beautiful and lovely as..thee.A light touch of your skin on my own. A whisper of something my ears hadn't really heard.It doesn't matter...Your eyes: aquariums of amber liquid still haunt me
PERSONAL/ JOURNAL: BEING ALONE
I close my eyes and I let my body shut itself down and I let my mind wander. It wanders to a familiar place. A place I don’t talk about or acknowledge exists. A place where there is only me. A place that I hate. I am alone. Alone here and alone in the world. Alone in my heart and alone in my mind. Alone everywhere, all the time, for as long as I can remember. Alone with my Family, alone with my friends, alone in a Room full of People. Alone when I wake, alone through each awful day, alone when I finally meet the blackness. I am alone in my horror. Alone in my horror. I don’t want to be alone. I have never wanted to be alone. I fucking hate it. I hate that I have no one to talk to, I hate that I have no one to call, I hate that I have no one to hold my hand, hug me, tell me everything is going to be all right. I hate that I have no one to share my hopes and dreams with, I hate that I no longer have any hopes or dreams, I hate that I have no one to tell me to hold on, that I can find them again. I hate that when I scream, and I scream bloody murder, that I am screaming into emptiness. I hate that there is no one to hear my scream and that there is no one to help me learn how to stop screaming. . . More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to be close to someone. More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to feel as if I wasn’t alone.
It seems that until I find someone else who'll love me I cant move on from the only one who ever has.It doesn't matter how many times my heart gets broken, what matters is eventually a woman will come along who will pick up all the pieces. So I never stop trying. Take chances, take a lot of them. Because honestly, no matter where you end up and with whom, it always ends up just the way it should be.When I see you, the World stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There's nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The World just stops, and it is a beautiful place, and there is only you
It seems that until I find someone else who'll love me I cant move on from the only one who ever has.It doesn't matter how many times my heart gets broken, what matters is eventually a woman will come along who will pick up all the pieces. So I never stop trying. Take chances, take a lot of them. Because honestly, no matter where you end up and with whom, it always ends up just the way it should be.When I see you, the World stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There's nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The World just stops, and it is a beautiful place, and there is only you
PERSONAL/ JOURNAL: WRAP UP THE YEAR WITH DISAPPOINTMENT IN REGARD TO LOVE
To say that love hasn’t obeyed my expectations would be the understatement of the century.
This year I had two fail attempt with love. One with a make up artist and another with woman who then wanted to be friends after we broke up and wanted me back and when I decided to give it another shot..she wasn't ready...
I have not been lucky in love. I’ve been blessed with some amazing moments over the years, but somehow have managed to choose partners who did not want what I wanted, did not feel what I felt, and did not want to walk beside me into a future together.
I have really had to sit with this and try and figure out what part of this was my doing, and how to change it, because this year I once again chose a partner who was not walking with me.
I once again entered into a relationship desperate to find love and instead found a beautiful disaster. Love is a blessing, this we know. Unrequited love is toxic, and it can eat you alive.
Falling in love can be a slippery slope, regardless of any protective barriers we may have built. It can ease in like a light a mist that settles itself beautifully over your life, or it can blindside you.
Often we fall in love with a person before we have fully gotten to know them. By this point it’s too late—you’ve already stretched your heart for someone capable of bruising it. This is what love requires: utmost vulnerability and trust. Hopes and expectations rise along with the awareness that it can slip away.
I suggest we do our best to live in the moment. Love is elastic. It stretches and retracts and changes shape constantly. It is very uncertain. One day you are over the moon and the next disillusioned.
The elastic can break. You can re-tie it, but there is now a knot. Suddenly that perfect perception of the other person is a little bit tainted. Something rocked the pedestal. Sometimes we can recover from this, sometimes we can’t.
Loyalty and commitment teach us that we are not to walk away from people that we love. Spirituality teaches us to love without expectation. There are a lot of belief systems about love and I question them often. If your love is shared and you are both happy I assume you wouldn’t have to question love at all.
But if your relationship, be it friendship or romantic love, is unbalanced and one person is hurting, how much is enough? How many pieces are supposed to break and how damaged can we allow ourselves to get before we throw these belief systems out the window and accept that this type of love isn’t healthy?
How do we do what is best for ourselves without damaging the heart and mind of someone else in the process?
Love and relationships require work and responsibility. We have to learn when to stretch and when to break.
For those of you who have been blessed to find a romantic love that is equally shared, I truly admire this and I have set the intention to find it one day. I think it all starts with being aware, open, and ready.
For a long time I didn’t believe I would find love so I subconsciously chose partners who I knew would be a challenge. I am no longer interested in this challenge. I told myself when my last relationship failed that I would never put myself in a situation where I didn’t know where I stood in someone’s life again; where I felt unsteady and unloved.
Unfortunately I did it again this year and I can promise you that it was the last time. I now know what I would like my relationship with my future partner to feel like, and that is the first step towards being open to receiving this gift. Love is a gift.
I have been tested often this year and with this came the opportunity to learn lessons. I have lived my life openly. I have experienced love and trusted the process. I fell in love, watched it grow, watched it change, and watched it fall apart.
I felt the pain, and still continue to recover from it. My heart is healing and that is a slow process, but it was necessary to hurt to have learned what I learned. For this I am grateful. I’m also grateful to family who helped me to pick up the pieces when I didn’t have the energy to do it alone.
8 things I have learned about relationships so far:
1. If there is a feeling better than love, I have not felt it. Take the risk and dive in with everything you have.
2. Enjoy the good times together as they are happening and be grateful for them.
3. Stay out of the future and in the moment. Now is certain.
4. Protect both your heart and your partner’s, whether the love is still there or not. We are human and we deserve kindness. We don’t need to add to the burdens we already carry by hurting others. Trust me, it doesn’t make thing better.
5. If your relationship starts to crumble, know when to put it down and let it be. Don’t grind it into dust.
6. You cannot continue to give to another person when you are not at your best; when you are so broken, so beaten down that you have no energy left. When talking has failed and words no longer have meaning, this is when you know it is over. When you feel like this, you have to do what is best for the relationship and for each other and wave the white flag to avoid further damage.
7. Some things just won’t work, no matter how badly we wish they would. Sometimes the match that felt so right just isn’t. Please don’t do more damage to your heart by trying to fix something that has past its expiration date. It will leave you raw.
8. It is okay to walk away from something that hurts you. It doesn’t require blame or justification. It just requires you to stop fanning the flames. You will find love again, and next time it will feel better.
Life isn’t easy. Some things build us up and some tear us down. Our hearts expand and break and rebuild—repeatedly. We are constantly learning and changing and growing. If in love you find yourself in a sticky situation like I was, please stop picking at scabs.
Nothing good has ever come from this. Stop the cycle, and let your heart heal so you can find pure love. Surround yourself with loving relationships. Something beautiful is out there waiting for you. If you feel it on the inside, you’ll find it out there.
This year I had two fail attempt with love. One with a make up artist and another with woman who then wanted to be friends after we broke up and wanted me back and when I decided to give it another shot..she wasn't ready...
I have not been lucky in love. I’ve been blessed with some amazing moments over the years, but somehow have managed to choose partners who did not want what I wanted, did not feel what I felt, and did not want to walk beside me into a future together.
I have really had to sit with this and try and figure out what part of this was my doing, and how to change it, because this year I once again chose a partner who was not walking with me.
I once again entered into a relationship desperate to find love and instead found a beautiful disaster. Love is a blessing, this we know. Unrequited love is toxic, and it can eat you alive.
Falling in love can be a slippery slope, regardless of any protective barriers we may have built. It can ease in like a light a mist that settles itself beautifully over your life, or it can blindside you.
Often we fall in love with a person before we have fully gotten to know them. By this point it’s too late—you’ve already stretched your heart for someone capable of bruising it. This is what love requires: utmost vulnerability and trust. Hopes and expectations rise along with the awareness that it can slip away.
I suggest we do our best to live in the moment. Love is elastic. It stretches and retracts and changes shape constantly. It is very uncertain. One day you are over the moon and the next disillusioned.
The elastic can break. You can re-tie it, but there is now a knot. Suddenly that perfect perception of the other person is a little bit tainted. Something rocked the pedestal. Sometimes we can recover from this, sometimes we can’t.
Loyalty and commitment teach us that we are not to walk away from people that we love. Spirituality teaches us to love without expectation. There are a lot of belief systems about love and I question them often. If your love is shared and you are both happy I assume you wouldn’t have to question love at all.
But if your relationship, be it friendship or romantic love, is unbalanced and one person is hurting, how much is enough? How many pieces are supposed to break and how damaged can we allow ourselves to get before we throw these belief systems out the window and accept that this type of love isn’t healthy?
How do we do what is best for ourselves without damaging the heart and mind of someone else in the process?
Love and relationships require work and responsibility. We have to learn when to stretch and when to break.
For those of you who have been blessed to find a romantic love that is equally shared, I truly admire this and I have set the intention to find it one day. I think it all starts with being aware, open, and ready.
For a long time I didn’t believe I would find love so I subconsciously chose partners who I knew would be a challenge. I am no longer interested in this challenge. I told myself when my last relationship failed that I would never put myself in a situation where I didn’t know where I stood in someone’s life again; where I felt unsteady and unloved.
Unfortunately I did it again this year and I can promise you that it was the last time. I now know what I would like my relationship with my future partner to feel like, and that is the first step towards being open to receiving this gift. Love is a gift.
I have been tested often this year and with this came the opportunity to learn lessons. I have lived my life openly. I have experienced love and trusted the process. I fell in love, watched it grow, watched it change, and watched it fall apart.
I felt the pain, and still continue to recover from it. My heart is healing and that is a slow process, but it was necessary to hurt to have learned what I learned. For this I am grateful. I’m also grateful to family who helped me to pick up the pieces when I didn’t have the energy to do it alone.
8 things I have learned about relationships so far:
1. If there is a feeling better than love, I have not felt it. Take the risk and dive in with everything you have.
2. Enjoy the good times together as they are happening and be grateful for them.
3. Stay out of the future and in the moment. Now is certain.
4. Protect both your heart and your partner’s, whether the love is still there or not. We are human and we deserve kindness. We don’t need to add to the burdens we already carry by hurting others. Trust me, it doesn’t make thing better.
5. If your relationship starts to crumble, know when to put it down and let it be. Don’t grind it into dust.
6. You cannot continue to give to another person when you are not at your best; when you are so broken, so beaten down that you have no energy left. When talking has failed and words no longer have meaning, this is when you know it is over. When you feel like this, you have to do what is best for the relationship and for each other and wave the white flag to avoid further damage.
7. Some things just won’t work, no matter how badly we wish they would. Sometimes the match that felt so right just isn’t. Please don’t do more damage to your heart by trying to fix something that has past its expiration date. It will leave you raw.
8. It is okay to walk away from something that hurts you. It doesn’t require blame or justification. It just requires you to stop fanning the flames. You will find love again, and next time it will feel better.
Life isn’t easy. Some things build us up and some tear us down. Our hearts expand and break and rebuild—repeatedly. We are constantly learning and changing and growing. If in love you find yourself in a sticky situation like I was, please stop picking at scabs.
Nothing good has ever come from this. Stop the cycle, and let your heart heal so you can find pure love. Surround yourself with loving relationships. Something beautiful is out there waiting for you. If you feel it on the inside, you’ll find it out there.
PERSONAL/ JOURNAL: NOT PUT CHEMISTRY FIRST
I decided to not put chemistry first. I used to think that finding someone you clicked with, someone who made your stomach feel sick, your hands to start to shake and your whole body feel off balance... was always going to mean it was something special. But these are things that just happen-- they're not a result of something she's doing for you. She isn't making these things happen, they just are. What I've come to realize is.. once the butterflies fly away.. and the sickness subsides, what matters is how she makes you feel on purpose --the feelings she can cause in you that are every bit of her control. Her calling to say 'hi', quoting a movie line to make you laugh or learning to accept that you like the one team in baseball she can't stand. These are the feelings that do not just fade away in time, because she won't let them-- if its really something, she'll be able to make you feel those things no matter the circumstance.
The battle of head versus heart is excruciating. Which is the right one to follow? My head which is trying to protect my heart? Or my heart, my heart that is falling hopelessly... leading me into a dead end... walking me head first into a brick wall? I wish I could say my vision is blurry-- that I'm blinded, but I can see so clearly it scares me. I see the part of me that just can't walk the other way, that can't tear my eyes off of her or keep myself from trembling when she looks directly at me-- when she makes me feel like I'm the only person in a room. Before, my fear was being vulnerable. The ability of another human being to possibly tear apart your insides at any moment was enough to keep me running. But when you met someone who makes my insides come alive, my smile become permanent, laughter more frequent-- she took away my fear and gave me hope. But, more importantly for the first time in my life, instead of wanting to run, she gave me every reason to stay
And maybe they're right, you know, maybe i expect too much --- maybe somewhere in the back of my head i want that stupid fairytale that everyone tells me isn't possible.. but i dont care. i dont care if i'm 'expecting to much.' because, i've seen glimpses, well -- more than glimpses, in other moments in the past.. with other woman ... so i know that what i am looking for is out there somewhere
The battle of head versus heart is excruciating. Which is the right one to follow? My head which is trying to protect my heart? Or my heart, my heart that is falling hopelessly... leading me into a dead end... walking me head first into a brick wall? I wish I could say my vision is blurry-- that I'm blinded, but I can see so clearly it scares me. I see the part of me that just can't walk the other way, that can't tear my eyes off of her or keep myself from trembling when she looks directly at me-- when she makes me feel like I'm the only person in a room. Before, my fear was being vulnerable. The ability of another human being to possibly tear apart your insides at any moment was enough to keep me running. But when you met someone who makes my insides come alive, my smile become permanent, laughter more frequent-- she took away my fear and gave me hope. But, more importantly for the first time in my life, instead of wanting to run, she gave me every reason to stay
And maybe they're right, you know, maybe i expect too much --- maybe somewhere in the back of my head i want that stupid fairytale that everyone tells me isn't possible.. but i dont care. i dont care if i'm 'expecting to much.' because, i've seen glimpses, well -- more than glimpses, in other moments in the past.. with other woman ... so i know that what i am looking for is out there somewhere
PERSONAL/JOURNAL: LIFE IN GENERAL
Dating life:
Attempts at meeting people have not really been terribly successful this year. I'm not an easy man to deal with and I do not have low standards, so this is sort of difficult. I don't meet a lot of people through my job - ..you can't date your patients.. I am not a bar-goer. I'm reasonably gregarious, but not really the sort to just strike up a conversation in the grocery store. I am already busy enough I don't really want to add another hobby. I have tried internet dating with little success. (I'm actually pretty discouraged on that front - My emails on the site are almost never returned, so I think I need to give up on that soon...
I seem to have three choices - change myself, lower my expectations, or give up trying and hope something falls in my lap. Option one is not likely to happen in any major way. I will always essentially be a strong willed, intelligent, strange man, prone to bouts of brilliance and/or slightly fey behavior. I'm a hard-sciences nerd who likes to play at being a seventh century Pict, I believe in scientific laws and magic, I want to be a famous movie start by day and writer by night. I'm wonderful and I want someone who thinks I am wonderful too. As far as lowering my standards for a potential mate go - that's not terribly likely to be too movable either. At one point I was deluded into thinking I could get everything in one package and, as much as it would be nice to have someone who is a educated, beautiful who is in head-over-heels, oooey-gooey, poetry-writing, sexual pervert who is in love with me, I am just not the sort of man that inspires that sort of reaction in a woman... or at the very least that the woman I am attracted to are not that sort of woman. I guess the realm in which I will compromise most readily is that I don't need the romantic comedy love, but I do need a strong and genuine respect and love and an acceptance of my crazy ways... But as far as other standards go, I have no real criteria for height, physical characteristics expect she be slim to average, income, etc. I AM looking for intelligence, quick wit, a sense of wonder, for critical thinking...and a woman who want to settle down and have kids. I know there is a bit of making inappropriate comparisons to a standard going on, and that I have been given reasonable advice on how to address that, but I have been thus far too weak to take it, so I keep hurting myself on that issue. (On the other hand, it is a positive in that it does remind me that my ideal expectations are not entirely unreasonable, if I'm not too stupid to recognize them.) As far as giving up and just hoping something happens or accepting it if it doesn't - I am afraid that would pretty much be accepting that it won't. I'm not terribly likely to meet someone "on accident" and I don't know anyone right now who is single and a good prospect..I'm not sure I am willing to resign myself quite yet.
Goals:
* nerdtastic partner
or
* acceptance of being alone
Progress thus far:
I've tried dating, getting set up, internet dating. Some good relationships, some really five star disasters. I have not had a date-date since I have been single this time, but neither have I run across any prospect that looked shiny enough to ask out, so that's sort of a chicken-egg problem.
Thoughts for the future:
So completely not sure. :/
Work
Thoughts:
Work has been eating my soul. The job requirements keep getting harder, the staff keeps shrinking, the environment keeps getting more toxic. This leads to coming home exhausted every night and hating the world, which does not do good things for my diet, fitness, mental health, or happiness goals.
Goals:
* Try to identify the things that most make me miserable and try to fix them.
* Work on developing other alternative plans - what else could I do that would make me happy? What would meet my needs? Can I change my needs (financial and otherwise)? What options would that open up?
Mental Health
Thoughts:
I need more "me" time, more thinking time, more sleeping time, more reading time. I do not have a time machine. This means I need to reevaluate my time expenditure and make sure that my time budget is meeting my needs and is in line with my goals. I need to track this and be accountable to myself.
Goals:
* Seven hours of sleep per night
* Five hours of quiet pre-bedtime devoted reading time per week
* Take up yoga set aside specific thinky time on a regular basis to work through issues before they become stressors
May my year 2014 be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. (It has to be.) I hope I read some fine books. (And not fell asleep after few pages. Gosh, it took me longer time to finish a book when the number of my age getting bigger.) and kiss someone who thinks I am wonderful (Yes, I hopeI meet someone who love my silly, my sad, my laugh, my blurriness, someone who love me just the way . I am) and don't forget to make some art - write or draw or build or sing or live as I could (I will go for drawing and do some craft as I am not good in writing & singing and definitely will live the best I could.)
And I hope, somewhere in the next year, I surprise myself. (I will as I still have 12 months, 51 weeks, 355 days, 8520 hours,512640 mins to make it happen.)
Attempts at meeting people have not really been terribly successful this year. I'm not an easy man to deal with and I do not have low standards, so this is sort of difficult. I don't meet a lot of people through my job - ..you can't date your patients.. I am not a bar-goer. I'm reasonably gregarious, but not really the sort to just strike up a conversation in the grocery store. I am already busy enough I don't really want to add another hobby. I have tried internet dating with little success. (I'm actually pretty discouraged on that front - My emails on the site are almost never returned, so I think I need to give up on that soon...
I seem to have three choices - change myself, lower my expectations, or give up trying and hope something falls in my lap. Option one is not likely to happen in any major way. I will always essentially be a strong willed, intelligent, strange man, prone to bouts of brilliance and/or slightly fey behavior. I'm a hard-sciences nerd who likes to play at being a seventh century Pict, I believe in scientific laws and magic, I want to be a famous movie start by day and writer by night. I'm wonderful and I want someone who thinks I am wonderful too. As far as lowering my standards for a potential mate go - that's not terribly likely to be too movable either. At one point I was deluded into thinking I could get everything in one package and, as much as it would be nice to have someone who is a educated, beautiful who is in head-over-heels, oooey-gooey, poetry-writing, sexual pervert who is in love with me, I am just not the sort of man that inspires that sort of reaction in a woman... or at the very least that the woman I am attracted to are not that sort of woman. I guess the realm in which I will compromise most readily is that I don't need the romantic comedy love, but I do need a strong and genuine respect and love and an acceptance of my crazy ways... But as far as other standards go, I have no real criteria for height, physical characteristics expect she be slim to average, income, etc. I AM looking for intelligence, quick wit, a sense of wonder, for critical thinking...and a woman who want to settle down and have kids. I know there is a bit of making inappropriate comparisons to a standard going on, and that I have been given reasonable advice on how to address that, but I have been thus far too weak to take it, so I keep hurting myself on that issue. (On the other hand, it is a positive in that it does remind me that my ideal expectations are not entirely unreasonable, if I'm not too stupid to recognize them.) As far as giving up and just hoping something happens or accepting it if it doesn't - I am afraid that would pretty much be accepting that it won't. I'm not terribly likely to meet someone "on accident" and I don't know anyone right now who is single and a good prospect..I'm not sure I am willing to resign myself quite yet.
Goals:
* nerdtastic partner
or
* acceptance of being alone
Progress thus far:
I've tried dating, getting set up, internet dating. Some good relationships, some really five star disasters. I have not had a date-date since I have been single this time, but neither have I run across any prospect that looked shiny enough to ask out, so that's sort of a chicken-egg problem.
Thoughts for the future:
So completely not sure. :/
Work
Thoughts:
Work has been eating my soul. The job requirements keep getting harder, the staff keeps shrinking, the environment keeps getting more toxic. This leads to coming home exhausted every night and hating the world, which does not do good things for my diet, fitness, mental health, or happiness goals.
Goals:
* Try to identify the things that most make me miserable and try to fix them.
* Work on developing other alternative plans - what else could I do that would make me happy? What would meet my needs? Can I change my needs (financial and otherwise)? What options would that open up?
Mental Health
Thoughts:
I need more "me" time, more thinking time, more sleeping time, more reading time. I do not have a time machine. This means I need to reevaluate my time expenditure and make sure that my time budget is meeting my needs and is in line with my goals. I need to track this and be accountable to myself.
Goals:
* Seven hours of sleep per night
* Five hours of quiet pre-bedtime devoted reading time per week
* Take up yoga set aside specific thinky time on a regular basis to work through issues before they become stressors
May my year 2014 be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. (It has to be.) I hope I read some fine books. (And not fell asleep after few pages. Gosh, it took me longer time to finish a book when the number of my age getting bigger.) and kiss someone who thinks I am wonderful (Yes, I hopeI meet someone who love my silly, my sad, my laugh, my blurriness, someone who love me just the way . I am) and don't forget to make some art - write or draw or build or sing or live as I could (I will go for drawing and do some craft as I am not good in writing & singing and definitely will live the best I could.)
And I hope, somewhere in the next year, I surprise myself. (I will as I still have 12 months, 51 weeks, 355 days, 8520 hours,512640 mins to make it happen.)
PERSONAL/ DATING: I WANT THAT GIRL
I want the girl who tingles when I come within her view.The one who knows her place is in my arms.I want the girl whose eyes alight, While fumbling with her hands, uncontrollable honesty has such charms. The unrestrainable smile produced proves interest and excitement. Her teeth are pearly white and sharply shine.Her eyes, which dance with interest sparkle brightly in our gaze.This is the lady that I need to be mine and no, it's not one-sided lust that kindles my desire. It must be mutual to be for real for as she tingles, sparkles, and shines, (Results of inner longing), I can't contain the interest that I feel.I walk a little taller now.My head holds high and proud.My overall impression is improved. When what was once a pain within that darkened every view that comfort of completeness has removed.This state of such impassioned lust.The beauty of our pleasure instill within my heart an inner glow.The rightness of perfect pairing with unbridled passion and caring is the God-given beauty of life we all hope to know. Breathless. Breathless is the feeling that you never felt before. In that single moment you may utter a few words of joy or sorrow. You feel as though nothing could go wrong. As the world around you suddenly begins to make sense, then it all of a sudden goes back to being complicated. But no matter what you say or do, that moment will always leave you... breathless. Love is abiding, never forgiving, always coming.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
POETRY: WHEN YOU LEFT..........
I just can't describe the feelings that wash over me, like tidal waves of and ocean. When I close my eyes I can still smell you. I can still feel my fingers running through your hair. And I can still feel the warmth of my heart that you 'cause. But something's missing. I search for it. I search through all my tears and thoughts and emotions that overcome me, but still I don't find it. When I open my eyes it is all clear. What I was missing was you. And reality hits me like a brick wall. My heart coldens like ice and my fingers go numb. All I can think of is the pain I am feeling. The pain is like a hundred daggers all at once hitting me and not missing a spot on my body. All my emotions drain out of me like water through a faucet. I can't see through the pictures and memories that we once shared. They are bombarding me. All at once I feel warm water slowly, ever so slowly, dripping down my cheeks. Yet it feels good. I just can't describe the sensation. It's like letting go. And I now realize that I must go on, and that going on doesn't mean that I have to give up everything that we once shared, that I can hold onto it, but I must move on. And like everything else I must leave you and live.
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