PERSONAL/JOURNAL: DATING AGAIN...

On the heels of a 5 year marriage that ended in divorce and two years to recover, the prospect of dating absolutely terrifies me.  I don’t even know how to do it!  I mean, I suppose I could call back to a few tricks I learned in high school (Do girls still like making out in the back seat of a car with Hootie and Blowfish playing?) but I doubt it would have the same impact. Just kidding.

And while we’re on the subject, you can add sexual anxiety to the pile.  Over the course of more than a two years since my divorce I’ve had only two sexual partner.  Once you have learned someone’s body it’s easy to convince yourself that you’re an incredible lover.  However, I have it on good authority that all women are not the same in that department.  So where I was consistently delivering 100% of the time, I’d be lucky to convert 70% - 75% of the time in today’s market.  Women have it so much luckier than men in this department.  Sure some of us are into that 50 Shades of Grey shit, or can only cum if you’re wearing a mascot costume, but for the vast majority of us, If you just work on that thing that’s sticking up, literally staring you in the face, you’ll probably be fine.  With women you need to know what to to touch and when, what to say, what to wear, what music should be playing, the fucking barometric pressure, it’s exhausting!  “Just ask them what they like.” A friend of mine advised.  I supposed it’s worth a shot, but I can’t even get a woman to tell me where she wants to go for dinner.  I feel I’d get that stock, “Whatever you like is fine,” answer, and much like that ill-advised date at Applebees, I’m the only one that leaves satisfied.

If the perfect girl walked into my life would I take a chance?  I like to think I would. What does perfect mean?  For me perfection has always been defined by one trait; imperfection Because when you strip all the bull shit away.  The make up, the clothes, the small talk, the money, the fancy car, the prestigious job, all of the images we put out to make us seem perfect, all we’re left with are the imperfections.  It’s those abnormalities that make us unique.  Our scars make us special.  I’m looking for the girl with the right balance of both.  Someone who is perfectly broken.

I need a girl who’s smart.  Like freakishly smart.  If you wade through my rather shallow dating pool, the only constant you will find is intelligence and kindness.  Make me want to crawl inside your head and desperately spend a lifetime figuring out how your mind works.  There’s nothing sexier.

I need a girl with a great sense of humor.  Or maybe more specifically, my sense of humor.  Ironically the same sense of humor that attracts people to me is the trait that repulses them over time.  It can be dark, biting, inappropriate, ill-timed.  It will make you cry, but I promise those times will always make me feel worse than they ever make you feel…Just not bad enough to keep from doing it again next time.  Besides, if you’re crying there’s an equal chance that I’ve done something sweet and thoughtful as rude and insensitive.  The real dirty secret is, I’m more sensitive than you could ever be.  Chances are if someone is crying on the couch it’s me after witnessing some random act of kindness or a peanut butter commercial with a father and son.

I need a girl who gets me.  This is the rough one.  How do you start coming to terms with a person who craves attention but desperately wants to blend in with his surroundings?  Someone who can be the life of the party one night then inexplicably shy and mute the next?  I can be fun and dynamic but battle with bouts of depression.  Arrogant yet self loathing.  It’s safe to say that I live my life at the extremes, but that’s not always a negative.  I may not be the warmest person on the planet, but when I love someone I love them hard, because that’s the only way I know how to do it.

I could go on, creativity, passion, a hard edge to even out my fairly vanilla lifestyle, someone who challenges me and calls me on my bull shit, but knows that I also need validation and support, I think you get the point.  I just want someone who makes sense.  Who makes me feel calm and at home.  Someone who realizes I can’t offer her the world, but thinks what I can give her is pretty great.  Most of all, I want someone who wants to be with me.  In the end isn’t that the only thing we’re all looking for?

Oh, and I also need a blonde with perfect tits and a great ass.  What? I’m still a guy…Would it help if I said I’m a good cook?

XOXO