PERSONAL/ JOURNAL: NOT PUT CHEMISTRY FIRST

I decided to not put chemistry first. I used to think that finding someone you clicked with, someone who made your stomach feel sick, your hands to start to shake and your whole body feel off balance... was always going to mean it was something special. But these are things that just happen-- they're not a result of something she's doing for you. She isn't making these things happen, they just are. What I've come to realize is.. once the butterflies fly away.. and the sickness subsides, what matters is how she makes you feel on purpose --the feelings she can cause in you that are every bit of her control. Her calling to say 'hi', quoting a movie line to make you laugh or learning to accept that you like the one team in baseball she can't stand. These are the feelings that do not just fade away in time, because she won't let them-- if its really something, she'll be able to make you feel those things no matter the circumstance.

The battle of head versus heart is excruciating. Which is the right one to follow? My head which is trying to protect my heart? Or my heart, my heart that is falling hopelessly... leading me into a dead end... walking me head first into a brick wall? I wish I could say my vision is blurry-- that I'm blinded, but I can see so clearly it scares me. I see the part of me that just can't walk the other way, that can't tear my eyes off of her or keep myself from trembling when she looks directly at me-- when she makes me feel like I'm the only person in a room. Before, my fear was being vulnerable. The ability of another human being to possibly tear apart your insides at any moment was enough to keep me running. But when you met someone who makes my insides come alive, my smile become permanent, laughter more frequent-- she took away my fear and gave me hope. But, more importantly for the first time in my life, instead of wanting to run, she gave me every reason to stay

And maybe they're right, you know, maybe i expect too much --- maybe somewhere in the back of my head i want that stupid fairytale that everyone tells me isn't possible.. but i dont care. i dont care if i'm 'expecting to much.' because, i've seen glimpses, well -- more than glimpses, in other moments in the past.. with other woman ... so i know that what i am looking for is out there somewhere