PERSONAL/ LOVE LETTER: DEAR SOULMATE..WHEN YOU ARE GONE

When you have gone, I think about what we have done. My skin remembers the passion in your kiss, the impression of your teeth and the flick of your tongue. The memory of your touch haunts me. The wanting comes in waves, huge and torrential. The onslaught is stifling.

You are the first person that has ever done this to me; the first person to twist my stomach into knots, to make me feel like I can’t exist without you. Your touch makes my knees go weak. My body aches for you. What I wouldn’t give to be next to you tonight. I want to fall asleep with your skin pressed into mine. I want to feel your heart beating and your breath on my neck. I want you to hold me in your strong arms, where I know I am safe; where nothing can touch me.

It’s usually around this time that I start to reflect on my day; I start to piece the bits and fragments of the time we shared together into memories that I treasure. It’s been getting harder and harder for me to write here. That’s because what we share together is too precious and perfect for me to capture accurately. My feelings are so hard to put into words. Even now, I’m racking my brain, trying to come up with a strong enough diction to paint a picture of what I feel for you. But I’ll try anyway…

I’m lying here on my bed and my brain is doing that thing again - that thing where it takes a memory of you and amplifies, magnifies, copies, and basically overloads my mind with nothing but you. Now my chest hurts and I have this overwhelming urge to cry because it’s times like these when I want you next to me so badly it physicallyhurts. I literally ache for you. And I wonder if you ever feel this way too. I wonder if you hurt like I do… I wonder if without me you feel like you can’t breathe. I wonder if without me you can’t sleep. I wonder if you have to fight to get me off your mind. Because I do.

I wonder if you’ve ever wanted to scream, “Come back!” because the sight of me walking away was too much to bear. I do…I want to run after you. I want you to hold me and never let go. I want to never leave your side because without you I can’t breathe, I can’t sleep, I can’t function. I can’t be without you.

I am so in love with you. Completely..utterly…totally infatuated with you. I need you so much…I love you so much more than you will ever know..Longing is a cruel thing. I have never felt anymore in love with you than when you are not around. The memory of your lips has never felt as good as when you’re not around for me to kiss. The memory of your embrace has never felt as warm as when I cannot experience it. I’ve never felt so lonely…

I write these letters to tell you how much I love you; to tell you how much you make my guts hurt. I write these letters to tell you that you’re everything that drives me mad and the only thing that is keeping me sane. I obsess over every sentence. I look up big, passionate words in the thesaurus and painstakingly reread every sentence after it’s written. Every word is weighted because it’s all for you. Once I’ve finished, I hesitate, and an internal argument ensues about whether or not I really want to post the letter. But I always do. This is the only way I know how to let you know just how much you mean to me.

Now I can’t stop trying to imagine life without you. And of course these thoughts make my heartbeat accelerate. My breathing gets quick and shallow, my stomach swims to my throat and I can’t stop shaking. I’m used to the anxiety attacks, but they’ve rarely been this extreme.

There’s a physical ache matched with an emotional counterpart when I imagine this. I feel as if something was stolen from me; something precious and irriplaceable. I told you my biggest fear is being left again. Now I’m terrified. I miss you when you’re not even gone. Then I start to think, maybe all this time I’ve been trying to hold onto something that was never mine to begin with. These thoughts can get depressing fairly quickly so I tell them to go away. They listen. (Most of the time anyway.)

I know it makes no sense to torture myself this way, especially because I don’t know what is or isn’t supposed to happen. Nor do I know what tomorrow and everyday after it is going to bring. I try not to stress myself out over things that haven’t happened yet, but it’s hard. Everything is that much more brutal especially since I realized just how fast you can go away. Especially since I realized that life just sucks without you.

I barely survived the first time with my heart and limbs intact. I’m not saying I’ll die without you but I damn sure would like to…In my heart and in my mind I’m still wrapped up to you. You’ve got my heart strings wound so tightly around your fingertips; my heart can’t so much as beat without me thinking about you. Your John Hancock is permanently engraved on my tear ducts.

This is what moving on feels like. It feels like peeling back my skin inch by inch; tearing it all off until the muscles and veins beneath are revealed. Once the skin is completely removed, I’m thrown into a bathtub full of alcohol and fitted with artificial skin, like in some twisted science fiction movie. Yeah. Like that.

Is is bad that I feel like I need you to tell me what to do? I feel like I need you to tell me where to go from here. Is it okay to move on? To let go? I feel like I need your permission; like a dog to it’s master.It’s revolting. Dependency is disgusting. 

I made a promise to myself long before I met you, that I would never watch myself fall to pieces over something so meaningless as a woman One woman. I didn’t see the point in stressing myself out over something that could be so easily replaced. So why am I hurting myself over you? Why did I allow myself to break the one promise I swore I’d keep? Don’t fall in love. Sounds easy enough, right? And it was pretty easy. I had a policy with woman: don’t get attached. When she begins to occupy more space in your head than usual push her back. Always remember, you’re in control of her emotions not the other way around. But with you….I don’t know…it felt wrong to toy with you. And maybe a small part of me wanted to try having an actual relationship for a change. So I allowed you in, and honestly, after a while I had a panic attack and wanted to end us right then and there. I let my guard down with you, and believe me, that was no easy thing for me to do. I trusted you.

I wish I could get past you. I wish I could get you out of my head. Every time I get close to moving on you fabricate yourself inside my mind and almost guiltily, I return to my cubicle of suffering. Of course I have no one to blame for this but myself. You didn’t put yourself inside my head, and you most definitely aren’t forcing me to stay stagnant. But my God, you might as well be.

LOVE LETTER/PERSONAL: DEAR SOULMATE...THE WANTING

Dear Soulmate 


The thought of you drives me to you just as much as it drives me away. I miss you terribly. Every part of me aches to hear your voice - to be near you, but I know the re-exposure will be painful. See, once I accustom myself to being away from you, I can make it day to day. But once I let myself give in to you again, I will have to start the process all over. I will have to endure the fresh waves of longing as they crash over me, threatening to pull me under. Then, when I finally make it to the shore, you will call me back into the sea…and I will oblige because no angry waters will ever keep you from me. Nevertheless, that doesn’t stop me from hating this feeling of seemingly never-ending longing.

A lifetime of you is not enough, but it is more than I deserve. Therefore, I never let myself forget the power of your essence, the thrill of your touch nor the heaven in every word you say. So I think you should probably come closer and press your skin against mine. I’ll brush my lips across your ear and whisper, “I love you so much more than anything.” You’ll close your eyes. I’ll listen to the soft rush of your breath, feel your chest rise and fall against my body and I’ll try not to breathe…

I want us to stay like this forever. I want us to be invincible forever - so far above the world…nothing can touch us. We’ll become intertwined, you and I.I love you like stop motion; deliberately and in small increments. Every little bit of you I allow myself comes with a price. I’ve learned I must pace myself with you. I’m easily addicted and you are a poison. Murder has never been this delicious…or voluntary.

I guess I’ll start with your scent. Other than the memory, it is the most prominent reminder of what we have done. I held you closer than anyone would ever guess; the smell of your skin on my skin confirms this. It’s almost teasing me, every whiff makes me shiver with pleasure. I feel a smile creep onto my face and now I’m reliving that moment. My body is remembering every touch. Every line your fingers traced across my skin is permanently burned into my mind.

I love your body. I love even more that it’s all mine; you’re all mine. And I love that you can make me feel this way. I close my eyes and I feel your arms around me, your breath on my lips, your heartbeat pounding against my chest. I taste you on my tongue and I feel you when I am inside of you. The word that comes to mind is bliss. But the pleasure of the memory is short lived. It is now replaced by a dull ache; a beacon leading me to you, telling me the time we spend together is never enough and sooner or later I need to find myself at home in your arms. I know I won’t be sleeping well tonight. My mind is too busy thinking about you for sleep to invite me in….and the wanting comes in waves.

PERSONAL/ LOVE LETTER: DEAR SOULMATE EIGHT LETTERS

Dear Soulmate

This is all for you. There are thousands and thousands of words in these letters and every single one of them belongs to you. I thought that if I could form the perfect letter, the perfect paragraph or sentence I would be able to convey to you just how much I adore you. But in the hundreds of thousands of words I still haven’t done that. I still don’t know how to craft the perfect sentence structure and choose the perfect diction and word order to adequately express how much you mean to me, how much I need you, how much I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe I’ve been over-thinking it. Maybe the perfect sentence has already been formed. Maybe the only way to sum it all up is in three words; eight letters. 

I love you.

Insatiable. Nothing compares - everything else is just a pathetic substitute. My loneliness cannot be fed with human interaction. It cannot be forgotten with intoxication. My thoughts cannot be quieted with loud music. I cannot be comforted with blankets or pillows - they are not you. They do not compare to you laying next to me…so warm.

Waking up is always the worst. After my dreams have been cluttered with you, to wake up with you not by my side is unbearable. What’s worse is I’m getting used to it…and I hate it.

No one ever told me how to do this - how to be with someone. I never thought it would be possible for someone like me, not with all my rages, imperfections, melodramatic tendencies and especially not with my fears.

Then I met you. Life is funny that way. You promise yourself you’re never going to do this or that and suddenly you find yourself breaking those promises willingly. I promised myself never to fall in love..well…look where that got me.

You gave me a bravery I have never known. You have given me courage and strength to fight the only fear I could not face on my own - the fear of love. I’ve watched every relationship I have ever known crumble to the ground when the foundation was shaken. No one attempts to fix what’s broken anymore, they just abandon it. I’ve watched it happen time after time, even in my own life. It’s the reason why I never believed in things like love, marriage, or forever. It was all a lie, a work of cinematography and poetic bullshit. But you changed that. You gave me hope. When I look at you I see my future. when I look at you I get a glimpse of forever. I still get scared, but as long as I’m with you I will always have that glimmer of hope.

I hate when people are right about things I don’t want them to be right about. I hate when I have to write things I never wanted to write about. I have to, though. You see…writing it all down is the only way things make sense to me; the only way I can come to terms with truths I never wanted to face.

No one will ever love you as much as I do. Unfortunately, that love makes me stingy - selfish. If I can’t have you when I want, I fear my mindset resembles that of a five year old brat in a supermarket crying and banging my head against the floor until blood comes out of my ears and my mother finally concedes and buys me the candy I wanted so badly. But…that makes me feel clingy. If I had it my way, you’d never leave my side but…then you’d get tired of me. I know you would because I get tired of myself. The everyday blase experience of my presence would bore you right out the door. So unconsciously I put distance between you and I when we are together. I mean after all, the last thing I want to be is….clingy. I don’t want to follow you around like a lost puppy. I don’t want to beclingy. I don’t want to wait up for you or go out of my way to be next to you even though…I do. Even though I know I must bore you, even though I am, I don’t want to be clingy because there’s always the constant fear that you are going to leave me…again.

POETRY: OUR BODY COMMUNICATE IN ONE ACCORD

It's the way the clouds form and the way the sun shines.
It's the sight of kids playing and the sounds of wind chimes.
It's something many people try to experience but just cannot get.
It's something many people already have and they will never regret.
Sometimes it's fake and sometimes it?s true.
Sometimes it's colorful and sometimes it?s blue.
What is it that we all try to find?
Why is love that thing we cannot get off our mind?
It's the colors of the rainbow and the music to our ears.
It's the thing that keeps us going for years and years and years.
It's the way you say ?Hello? and the way you say ?Goodbye?.
It's the day we say ?I will honor, love,
And cherish you until the day that we die.?
Memories of walking through the snow and memories of holding hands.
Memories of being together and never ever losing that chance.
Italy is the place for romance and where lovers tend to go.
Nothing else matters to me but to see our love grow.
Love, Oh how it touches so many people and never has a low.
Love, the greatest feeling this world
Has to offer that always continues to flow.
Sometimes it's wrong and sometimes it's right.
Sometimes it's dull and sometimes it's bright.
But the thing about ours is that it never grows old.
The thing about ours is it's solid as gold.
It takes a lot to say I love you and mean it.
But with you and me it's the simplest thing on the planet.
It's the light within the cave that helps guide the willing.
It's the eagerness of the heart the keeps on giving.
It's the thing that makes the hairs
On the back of your neck stand up.
It's the thing that makes our emotions erupt.
It's the way you walk; it's the way you talk.
It's the sound of your voice; it's the number one choice.
Something from within me makes me always have that smile.
It's something from inside me that will never put you on trial.
To sum it all up it's this thing called Love.
It's basically what I live for and what we are made of.
Love.



2


I constantly wonder
If I am to be remembered
Or will my love
So devoutly given
Be forever forgotten?
Am I such a hideous sight
That none will ever wish
To remember that name
Or love that would be
Forever unerringly true?

My life is a misery
That cannot be endured
The thoughts of immortality
A fruitless goal
Must I forever live
Without your thoughts
Continually to stray
To another life
Where I no longer stay
In your thoughts and life?

Why must I live
In this very void
Where my eternal love
Its very existance ignored
Will you not see me
For who I am
And that I wish to be
Your heart, soul, and voice
To be forever yours
And you forever mine?



3


Once in a blue moon, a wish will come true...
Grant this wish I wish tonight (the wish I wish for you).

I wish for peace and happiness throughout the entire earth.
I wish for love and joy to all, in things from death to birth.

I wish the world could all be merry, through sickness and through health.
I wish the world prosperity, from poverty through to wealth.
But on this blue moon, tonight I wish
My most important wish will come true.
Grant this wish I wish tonight....
The wish I'm wishing for... is you.



4


Where have you gone
after the sunset?
When you've gone away
after the sunset
it seems so dark
because the sun never rose.
Where will I
ever find you again?
Wherever you are,
you're always in me.
Where wil I find
your words of wisdom,
hope, strength and courage?
Waiting for you is like
waiting for the sun to revolve
around the moon.
Wanting to see you is like
waiting for centuries
to see comets.
Waiting to hear you is like
waiting for decades to
see an eclipse.
When you were here, I thought
you would stay.
When you were gone, I knew
you would never come back.
Why is it that the ones to leave
are those I love?
Will there ever be a day
we will meet again?


5


she slips in
and out
of my dreams
like a ghostly figure
lightly touching
my heart and soul
with a whisper
with a smile
electric is the air
she brings with her
blinding me momentarily
binding me to her forever
catching my breath
all senses now awakened
submitting me
to her whimsical ways
to her gentle touch
to her
igniting my love
for her yet again
my eyes open
and she's there...


6

When you are far, where you are
Locked in a prison of vast space
I close flooding eyes and pray to the skies
That I could again see your sweet face

Oh jealous fate, so full of hate
Has coveted you for herself
And deep inside, I try to hide
The pains of extending oneself

Can you see me, so hopelessly
Wasting my life for your gain
But I will remain, and ever refrain
From letting another touch my heart again


7


Have you ever had a dream
That you'd die for it to come true?
Well, I have a dream like that,
For you to love me like I love you.

Have you ever wanted something
More than anything else in the life?
Well, I want you more than that,
To one day be my wife.

But that is far in the future,
For now I only want your love,
I've tried everything,
Even praying to up above.

Have you ever prayed to God,
Even when you don't believe,
Hoping that maybe he'll prove you wrong,
And give you the thing you need?

I need you to be there for me,
Like I'd be there for you,
I need you to love me,
And always keep it true.


8

Falling in love is a wonderful feeling
Especially with someone so sweet like you
Since you came you've turned my world around
And showed me what true love is all about

Living in love is a memorable experience
With someone who cares and listens like you
From the day I accepted you into my life
You've turned my mourning into dancing

Being in love is an overwhelming desire
With someone so true and faithful like you
Since the time I set my eyes on you
Passions engulf my soul like a flame of fire

Sharing in love is an eternal decision
With someone who truly understands my feelings
From the day I gave my heart to you
I've been living in the ecstasy of your love

Smiling...with fire of love burning in our hearts
As our bodies communicate in one accord
I'll never love another in this world but you
Because you really mean so much to me


9

My ears had yet to hear
Lovelier words ever spoken
My heart had yet to feel 
A sweeter gift or token
But when you whispered them to me
In that magical moment 
I knew that I loved you back instantly
With every part of me
I swore,
To be yours for eternity and forever more
The greatest gift you gave was love
And I never knew that I could feel in my heart this much
You heightened my horizons
My heart,
It learned to fly
You broadened up my visions
My eyes they learned it was ok to cry
And in the end
My love remained as true
The greatest gift you ever gave,
Still and forever in debt I belong to you


10

It was not my sin

but my destiny

my blind eyes look for you

 

Noone understood the mystery of your eyes

For my heart and pride breaking in your eyes is easy

 

 

My winter is spring with you still

Who can fill your place for me?

 

In my dreams I have your hand in mine

But I wake up and cant see with my blind eyes

 

My heart is convinced you are with me

My eyes have sight enough to deny

Now that all was a dream

at least let me dream on

 

Let me love you in my dreams

dont leave me waiting come to my dreams

I love to love you in my dreams

where I can be kind and loving

 

How can it be that you wont exist?

Bring warmth to my hands

How can I believe that you are not with me no more?

Let me be with this dream till I collapse in my death bed

 

In my dream someone told me you are gone

Its ok let everyone know that I have broken heart

My heart is gone and wont be back

She left my heart for others

 

Voice of her laughter still hovers in my ear

The world is silent so I can hear her laughing all time

 

Hard Days without you

I will scratch the skies without you

Break the silence of your heart

dont let our distance become greater

I dont want like the past have the same ending

 

My problem was that I drew your face on the wrong side of the page

On the side that nothing ever dies, The side that makes you eternal

 

Im scared behind that beautiful mask you wont be

playing the role of the lover

Like crazy people I closed my eyes not to see the truth

there is a mystery behind your words which I never understood

 

I dont want to lose love to my tears

but you had enough of my joy

If you dont exist the whole world is a coffin for me

PERSONAL/ LOVE LETTER: I WANT TO GIVE YOU MY LAST NAME

Dear Soulmate

Morning shines so bright through the open waves of the sea. At the sight of your beautiful eyes opening to see me. Right at that moment I squeeze you tighter next to me to only make your smile grow brighter than before.  A cherished moment that is for the two of us that we walk through the balcony to see the beautiful sunrise...For spending that moment with you is a dream come true unlike no other I've ever dreamt of before. On the balcony we see the beautiful shades of red and blue and through the vast great sky soar two white doves flying towards the balcony which we lay upon. You peek at me through the corner of your eye and you look to see if I have yet noticed that the two white doves are a couple just LIKE US. I smile and hold you closer to me as if never letting go of this TREASURED MOMENT. The bright light overcomes us and in a blink of an eye I see a beautiful fair angel by my side when I just come to realize it's YOU, YOU. The only one who's captured my heart in every way and we lay over the balcony watching the beautiful sunrise...TOGETHER.

The thrill of your kisses,the warmth of your touch.The close tender feeling I've longed for so much.A passion for life that makes each day seem new. These things I discovered the day I found you.Whenever you look at me your eyes always shine. In their own special way to let me know you're mine. When you smile, that lets me know that you love me too. Because every smile in its own way, is saying "I love you". With every hug or kiss you give, it shows me that you care.It reassures me over and over that you're always there.Will you forget my songs to you and how we danced alone;Our twilight times with hands entwined. Will you remember those quiet morning and sultry nights.When words we didn't need;When love was lord and passion soared like eagles in a breeze? Will you forget my love for you When winter's careless ways and cloud every sky blind your eyes; Will you remember days of golden rings and silver springs,and wonders that we'd seen? If you forget. I'll be there yet, If only in your dreams. For a while I've look to find someone like you.To find someone who loves me as much as you do. To find someone to change my skies from grey to blue.All my life I've searched for that sweet and complete girl.The perfect girl to share my world.When I look into your beautiful brown eyes.It's no wonder why I see my future in your eyes.You're like the girl I always dreamed of and I believe I have truely fallen in love. So, there are a couple of things I need you to see because you're so very important to me.You mean the whole wide world to me and you're everything I ever wanted a woman to be.So, I would love to enjoy my life with you and tell you how much I do love you and after it all where I hopefully aim is to live happily ever after and give you my...last name

PERSONAL/JOURNAL/DATING/LOVE: I AM SO SCARED ABOUT BEING SINGLE FOREVER

I’m sorry to even go here; I’m sorry to even throw myself the pity party of the year, but I think this is something that everyone has grappled with at some point in their lives. We try not to think about it too much though. I mean, we spend so much time talking about love and sex. We go to lunch with our friends and talk about being single or who we’re sleeping with, but these conversations mostly consist of soundbites and false reassurances. We feel safe in that moment with our friends in some bustling restaurant on a Saturday afternoon and tell each other, “I’m finally okay with being single. I really don’t want someone right now because I’m just so focused on my career or X, Y, and Z.” Or even something more along the lines of, “I hate being single. I need to get laid. What the hell is wrong with me? I hate woman!” We think we’re talking honestly and maybe we are. But we try not to think about the concept of forever. When you’re single, you tell yourself it’s a dry spell or that it can be remedied by “putting yourself out there” or joining an online dating service. It could always be fixed. There’s always time.

But what if this is it, this is forever? What if we have a few more relationships, some of which might be wonderful and end up in marriage, but we still end up alone when we’re 75 and need someone to take us to our doctor’s appointment? I mean, that’s the whole point of finding The One, right? So someone can wipe your ass, clean up your vomit, give you your pills because they love you dammit and they signed the contract!

Being a spinster or an old maid has often been treated with flippancy in our culture. A woman has a lot of cats and wears potato sack dresses and drinks lots of wine. She’s a fun drunk cat lady! Or a man goes to a dive bar and feels the judgement and pity coming from the much younger patrons, but whatever, he’s just a lifelong bachelor. But the reality is that ending up alone sounds devastating and if you really think about it outside the context of some chic brunch or rom-com, it will leave you winded and gasping for air.

I remember one night recently in which I was walking home from a friend’s apartment in city. It was a Saturday night, which meant that Manhattan was a complete shitshow. Groups of friends and lovers were waltzing around laughing and their gregarious behavior reverberated through the city, practically making me deaf. I looked at all of these people who looked so happy and connected with each other and then I looked at myself — a boy walking home alone on a Saturday night amongst a sea of fun. This sounds totally cliche and whiny, right? It’s not like I hadn’t been that person before, galavanting around with a girlfriend and a group of friends. I have lots of love in my life and have loved a good number of women, this I knew. But there was something about that night that triggered this intense feeling of vulnerability. It was like I was suddenly walking in the most dangerous neighborhood and could be swept up at any moment. I felt exposed and raw, like people were looking at me and had written me off as a sad pathetic character in the narrative of their lives.

I was scared about being single. I have no one in my life, and I am so scared for the future. What if this is it? Alone forever? Everyone i know is on a path. My path is unknown. I have no idea where I will end up or with who. I used to love being independent., now it scares me to death. I know that's stupid- there's someone for everyone. But  I just feel like I'm running out of time.  I don't know. I just can't stop thinking about it lately. I don't want to be alone forever.  I just don't feel like I will ever find "The One..." or anyone for that matter

The next day, I tried to think about what it was that made me feel so alone. I had walked home plenty of times alone on a Saturday night and felt perfectly fine. But last night, I realized, I had thought about Forever for the first time in a long time. I believed that this was just one of many walks that I was going to experience alone. This was going to be it for the rest of my life. I was going to be the person everyone was afraid of becoming. I would take one for the team and become That Guy. It had never felt more tangible than it did in that moment. I could feel it, I could see it, I could taste my future grief.

We don’t like to think about the worst-case scenario, but it sometimes hits us in strange moments and it becomes more real than anything else. You forget about all the times your ex said I love you and meant it. You only think about the fact that you’re born alone and you die alone.

I know I’m going to be okay and that this is just a weird vulnerable period of my life. I really do. I know I’ll find someone again just like I have before and I’ll laugh about how emotional and fearful I used to be. “Haha, so dramatic, Alex Little did you know there was the perfect woman for you right around the corner!” But that’s not how I felt that night. That night there was no other person for me. I was going to end up alone. It was fated.

Being single is difficult like that. We can talk and write about it as much as we want. We can rent movies that profit off of our grief, and commiserate with friends over a bottle of wine. But those brief moments in which we think about the possibility of being alone forever are so quietly devastating. It’s your worst nightmare becoming real for five blocks. This is something Katherine Heigl can’t conjure in her latest movie. These moments aren’t what you talk about at brunch unless you get really wasted and want to have that kind of day. It’s like being single in HD. And then as quickly as it came on, the moment leaves you and you’re back to feeling okay. Maybe the moment will even scare you into not staying home the next night; in which case, the moment has done its job


PART 2

If you are most people, most of your relationships will not work out. Sometimes, things will fall apart naturally; sometimes, everything will come screeching to a halt; sometimes, you will fall asleep facing the opposite direction of a person for months and one day realize it is not because of your back pain, it’s who is lying next to you. Sometimes, it will creep up so subtly that when it’s over, you’re not heartbroken — in fact, you’re not even surprised. I am most people, and most of my relationships have not worked out. All, in fact.

I am afraid of being alone. Not being alone while walking on the street, though I am admittedly scared of that, too. I am afraid of being alone in that same way millions of people are afraid of being alone: of living alone and, in the end, dying alone. I am not always afraid of being alone, however — just when it seems inevitable.

I don’t need a relationship to make me happy. I love my family, my friends, my pets, my job and avocado. I am a decent cook. I eat well. I laugh often. I support myself financially and (much of the time) emotionally. For years, I was co-dependent and needy; I thought I was only half a person without another person. Now, romance-wise, I want somebody whom I can speak with, sleep with and sleep next to.

If you are alone, I can’t give you much advice on how to change that; I can only say that you’re not really alone, because we’re all somewhat alone, but that doesn’t mean very much, anyway. But if you’re afraid of being alone, I can tell you that I know it’s terrifying, especially when you have never really been done it (successfully, happily) before.

People who spend most of their lives alone aren’t necessarily “good” at it, but they’re better-adjusted, and that can mean the difference between driving yourself crazy with fear and simple acceptance. And people who spend most of their lives alone will tell you how much better it is, and how much easier it is, and how you should really stop being sad about it because they aren’t sad about their situation and it’s only made them stronger. And if you are like me, you’ll nod and say, “Yes, you are so strong, that must have been so hard, thank you for the advice.”

Today, while I am sorry to be such a huge bummer or to sound as though loneliness is somehow the only thing my life revolves around right now, I am admittedly very sad. So, the point of this piece is to remind you that being lonely is normal. Being afraid of being alone is very, very normal, no matter how many high fives we give to those who are permanently cool with it.

Just because you’re sad about being lonely and scared of being alone doesn’t mean you are a flailing, affection-anemic loser who’s flunking at being “unconstrained” and self-sufficient (at least, I hope not). Being told you’re not allowed to sometimes feel sad while alone is like being told you can’t get hungry when on a diet. While I may be shedding some metaphorical weight by being alone , I don’t have to be happy about it and I don’t have to stay strong.

You are allowed to be sad, you are allowed to be lonely, you are allowed to not want to be alone. So tonight, when I retreat  and stare at my blank walls  even though I won’t go so far as to sob or panic or casually call some old acquaintance up for sex, I won’t be happy. But I’m allowed to not be, and that’s okay for now.

FROM A FRIEND

Healing sometimes doesn't happen as fast as we want. Sometimes we think we are all better and then boom we realize not only are we not 100 percent recovered, but we just re injured ourselves, by taking on more than we can handle. We try to quicken the recovery of say a broken heart, by getting involved with new people, exercising, doing mental and physical makeovers, going out, watching movies, having sex, popping pills. A broken heart is hard enough, but what is even worse is when a relationship leaves us with lower self esteem, feelings of rejection, being inadequate all over really low confidence. This is the hardest thing to heal. Our own self image. Whatever reason we feel this way, we didn't put there maybe feelings began at childhood, maybe from parents, from classmates, bullies on a bus, from first girl or boyfriends, unfaithful partners, unkind unloving spouses. rejection and low self esteem suck, and will be that poison in a new relationship. How do we get better. By not forcing it, I think. By praying. And having people in your life that only love you, think you are amazing, smart, good looking, people that listen and open up as well. Who knows maybe for every year we were exposed to abusive, esteem eating parasitic people we need the same number of time with those that adore us, believe we are more than enough, and winners. Someday Alex, you will be with her, the woman that will put you on a pedestal, think that you are the greatest, adore holding your body, and kissing you from head to toe, she will not only respect your opinion but think it is pure genius, she wont really see your flaws as anything other than things she wants to help you with and enjoy helping you with. Which is the greatest thing about our imperfections, because sometimes we get so obsessed with them we don't realize that our flaws have suddenly made another so happy because they see it as their life's purpose. That is sweet love. One day you will have someones sweet love. That is the love that endures all. I pray for God to send her to you as soon as possible.

POETRY:SHALL I LOVE YOU

I ask you now as I have before,
When will you love me, shall I wait the more?
But the solemn hills and the effervescent sea
Are all but too much for you to hear my plea.

I ask you now, as I will in the end,
When might I kiss you... may I kiss you again?
But your beauty, too much, and your passion, too great,
Just leave me a letter and reading... I shall wait.

I ask you now as I did today,
Shall I love you... what shall you say?
But the empty cries and the longing reply:
Alone I shall stay and alone I shall die.

I ask you now, as I will tomorrow,
Am I enough, in your heart might I burrow?
You heard my voice and spoke with gentle lips,
"Together we shall die, and in your heart mine lives."


2

In my mind there is a fire
In my heart there is an ocean
The fire blazes and heats the ocean,
The ocean steams and spews but is held in check,
A brick wall erected to contain the flood,
Waters building stress cracking the wall,
But the wall holds and the waters build,
The fire growing out of control,
Baking the wall making it stronger,
People chip away at the wall with strange little tools,
Love, Caring, Tenderness, Devotion, Trust,
CRACK, RUMBLE, CREAK,
This last tool has an effect no one could imagine,
The trust bestowed upon the wall and put into the wall,
Seeps deep back to the water and whispers to water *come with me*,
And the trust and the waters go together and break down the wall,
And they rush in and in their wake,
Love and Tenderness and Devotion follow,
And trust aids the water to put out the fire and the others stay behind,
Making sure that the fire never rises up in me again.

PERSONAL/ LOVE LETTER: MY DARLING, LOVE OF MINE

It's been a long, long time since I've felt this way. If only I could find the words to say to tell you that you're more.More than the world will ever know More than your eyes are willing to show It's just the way your eyes light up a room.The way your hands feel when you touch my arm.The way my heart races when I see you walk towards me.These things I cannot deny ...there is nothing more beautiful in my mind. Nothing in my eyes more kind you just have that kind of effect..You make my heart pound when I'm out & down It always seems to happen...when you come around.Your love is eternally part of my soul and without you in my life, my emotions lose control. I feel an urgent need to be with you.I must have read the words you wrote a thousand times or so. I see the pictures you paint in my mind so clear of you and I together laughing, sharing, holding each other near. I have never wanted something so much as I want you.I think to myself and smile someday this will all come true. Falling in love is always magical. It feels eternal, as if love will last forever. The story of love is not important, what is important is that one is capable of love. What greater things are there for two humans souls than to feel that they are joined to be with each other in silent unspeakable moments, it is perhaps the only glimpse permitted of eternity. Love is the source of reality. Love is an understanding that is so complete.Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. You seem unaware of your power You're an absolute wonder to me.I skirt the edges of your magic just close enough to feel the fire of you.You break my heart with your smile...did you know you could do that? Did you know you crush my world with just a word or a look? I've discovered a marvelous thing; I see your smile, your eyes in other faces yet they all disappear, unremembered, the precious moment I see you. I will reveal these things to no one...they are mine to hold deep inside. I will nourish them with the light of your eyes and the unquenched fire of my dreams


Why do I feel so empty without you in my life. Ceaselessly thinking about you when you're not by my side. I desire so much to feel your body next to mine. My heart filled with pain when I find myself missing you more.Though with each passing day is one day closer to you and me. From all the faces I have seen and I've liked,There's only one face I want To wake up to every single day of the rest of my life...From every voice I have heard, your voice is the only one that makes me smile. And I want to hear your voice for the rest of my life...From every place I have been or would want to live. Where I act like I would never pick anywhere else except there...You're wrong. The one place I want to be is with you- and no other...From the bottom of my heart, I wish I could tell you that I want to spend
the rest of my life with you,

My darling, love of mine...

JOURNAL/ LOVE/ DATING: GUYS LIKE ME BELIEVE WE ARE ENTITLED TO GRADE A PUSSY ..WHICH IS WRONG

You know what I learned..if  you’ve been interested in women who weren’t interested in you. You have two choices:

1) look to yourself, and see if you’re doing something wrong; or 

2) blame it on the other party.

And that’s what I do. I am such a great guy. Women just want to hurt themselves. They just want “jerks”.

Except, they don’t. When you say “jerks”, you mean men that treat women badly. Men that abuse them, verbally, physically, psychologically, or all three. You think women want that? They don’t. They really, really don’t. Women end up with that, because there are a lot of aseholes who trick them, take advantage of them, and have no respect for them. But choose? No. Women do not choose to be abused. The very suggestion implies that women deserve the abuse that they get. 

So, by definition, when you describe yourself as a “nice guy”, like I do.... you are describing yourself as a man who does not treat women like shit. Which is great, but women should be able to expect to be treated well. Everyone should. Treating women with respect just makes you a decent human being; it doesn’t entitle you to anything. When other people are nice to you, do you think that they’re some blessed God sent down from the heavens, that you want to spend all your time with? (I hope that you don’t). It’s great that you have a respect for women, but so you fucking should. There’s absolutely no reason for me or any other man to expect  woman to want to have sex with them or a relationship with you just because of it. Or do you expect something deep and meaningful from every single person you’re ever nice to? You don’t get rewarded for being nice. And you shouldn’t treat women and their bodies as prizes to be won, anyway.

Besides, expecting women to date you or have sex with you because you are nice to them implies that you would have absolutely no desire to be nice to them if you weren’t interested in them in that way. Which makes you a complete prick, rather than nice. which I have been for a while.

There are men like me who on the dating site who declare themselves as “nice guys”, and prove that they are anything but. Men who have long passages on their profiles listing all the reasons that they are the perfect man, usually followed by an announcement that they are sick of being rejected all the time, and sick of seeing women with jerks, so they are considering becoming one themselves. Men who assure their visitors that anyone would be lucky to have them, but answer questions about women’s appearances, weight, obligation to shave, and sexual partners in the most misogynistic way possible. These men cannot understand why women wouldn’t want someone as nice as them, but expect women to look and smell good at all costs and times, refuse to consider women who are even slightly overweight, believe that it is a requirement for women to remove their body hair, and feel that it is perfectly possible for women to have slept with “too many” people. In other words, these men are complete asseholes, who have no respect for women or their bodily autonomy, and expect them to exist to please them.

I guess i am an example of the pretentious, bitter, successful guy who feels  ENTITLED to Grade-A p*ssy because he got straight A’s in school .The LIE that I tell myself that i have been WRONGED by women  because women are too shallow, stupid and ignorant to see the “good” in the less flashy guy, while they are completely obsessed and enthralled with “the bad boy” or “pretty boy” who has no real substance. I want to believe that I am  intrinsically different from bad boys in the sense that while they only hooked up with her to get a*s, I would have treated her like the princess that she thinks she is. And then I make excuse for woman because woman don’t know what they want and don’t know how to properly choose a GOOD man..is a load of BS i give myself. I have to be more honest.

Guys who didn’t get women in high school or college weren’t overlooked because the size of their vocabularies were too large or because women have an innate affinity for THUGS, it’s because they simply were NOT cool and they did NOT have characteristics that women found attractive. 

The thing about the pretentious, successful  guys like me is that we don't like to admit: We are superficial jerk.We fail to acknowledge our own hypocrisy of turning down the smart, studious girl [who's like us] because she doesn’t have a D-cup, or a banging-a*s body like the head of the Cheerleading squad.

 Young women DON’T just pick thugs and gangsta’s, they pick young men who are funny, interesting and charismatic. Whether you are a NERD or captain of the Football team, if you are devoid of ALL of those three-things, you are STUPID for expecting ANY human being to just WANT to spend time with you. What do you bring to the table except awkward silence, a severe lack of confidence and an inability to effectively communicate? There ARE women out there who only date thugs, but how do you account for the other 96% of women who DON’T want to get it in with you?

 Any man who gets women knows and understands that sometimes you will FAIL as much as you SUCCEED. Some nights you may get nine women who tell you to go to hell and only ONE woman who actually gives you her real number – but in the end, you MAN UP and MOVE ON. Only a pathetic, frail, loser of a man would invest ONE second of his successful life to look down upon a girl who didn’t want him over a DECADE ago.

Oh, so you’re a CEO in an Armani suit, with a stack in your hand, and a yellow Lambo in the background, but you get some sick, twisted pleasure out of telling a girl who didn’t allow you to hit it when you were 17, that she should “beat it” because now you are TOO good for her? Actually YOU’RE NOT – you have just successful proven that you are still that same wounded, sad and charismatically-challenged little boy that she rejected years earlier – but you have just been blessed with the gift of social leverage. Well don’t let your big house, income, car and career make you forget this one fact: Just because you have achieved some measure of success in your life, it doesn’t mean you are now BETTER than everyone else and it DAMN SURE doesn’t mean that you DESERVE a dimepiece.

PERSONAL/ LOVE LETTER: JUST LOVING EVERY MOMENT

I want to dream of a love so true a love to last a whole life through.I want to dream of a loving face, a face that makes my heart race. I want to dream of a smile so bright, a smile to last  throughout the night. I want to dream of soft sweet lips, lips to kiss me gently. I want to dream of a hand to hold, a hand that's warm and not too cold. I want to dream and never wake up. Sometimes when the sun is rising thoughts of you run through my head. Remembering when you held me tight and never let me go.Sometimes when noon arrives thoughts of you run through my head. Remembering when we went out to eat, movies we saw, and walk in the park.Sometimes when night comes along thoughts of you run through my head. Remembering when I took you out and hold you close.Your kisses I cherish and hugs I admire, This reminds me of all these things.Time has no boundaries when I'm with you. My heart has no worries, only thoughts of you. Life is so simple lying in your arms. If only this could last forever, never having to end. Being with you is all I want to do, but life won't allow me,So for now, I'll lie in your arms, just loving every moment.

PERSONAL/LOVE LETTER: DEAR FUTURE SOULMATE

Dear Future Soulmate,

I had closed myself off buttoned down the hatches propelled myself into oblivion. Lacking direction seeking only kindness, something anything Drowning in a sea of senseless insanity.Who would have known trust would come in the form of you. And that daily you would not resent having to prove to me again and again and yet again that, yes, I could be loved  just because I was who I was  even with all my flaws, ESPECIALLY with all my flaws.You were willing to care no matter what.My life, you held in your hands and, without ever asking you gave it back to me mended, nearly whole. What makes my heart beat like a drum?It's swift-run tattoo gathering strength from the fact that you are near.Your heady presence holding me! I think, I feel, I cry!You are relief, succor, sustenance! My world is bittersweet and filled with wait and longing.You are here - and gone too soon! Eternity with you is not enough! Our life together will not end, but, gather light and love as time goes ever on.


Passion flew like never ending streams as I wrapped myself around you wondering where this love would lead. My heart rapidly beat,my soul knew relief, in swift succession  I began to witness where horizon and ocean meets. The soft breeze of the ambiance caressed as the shot of cupid's arrow,  skillfully sharpened, yet soft,  pierced through me. Are these feelings real,would this zeal set me free? With more life to live,  and more passion to give,Is this imagination the ideal? Then the dusk  gave way to the dawn, and, in the bright light of the morning, I saw in your eyes the sudden rise of the sun.And the day,  filled with pure clouds, loudly called  till I became assured that this whirlwind of passion is for real.