PERSONAL/ LOVE LETTER: DEAR SOULMATE EIGHT LETTERS

Dear Soulmate

This is all for you. There are thousands and thousands of words in these letters and every single one of them belongs to you. I thought that if I could form the perfect letter, the perfect paragraph or sentence I would be able to convey to you just how much I adore you. But in the hundreds of thousands of words I still haven’t done that. I still don’t know how to craft the perfect sentence structure and choose the perfect diction and word order to adequately express how much you mean to me, how much I need you, how much I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe I’ve been over-thinking it. Maybe the perfect sentence has already been formed. Maybe the only way to sum it all up is in three words; eight letters. 

I love you.

Insatiable. Nothing compares - everything else is just a pathetic substitute. My loneliness cannot be fed with human interaction. It cannot be forgotten with intoxication. My thoughts cannot be quieted with loud music. I cannot be comforted with blankets or pillows - they are not you. They do not compare to you laying next to me…so warm.

Waking up is always the worst. After my dreams have been cluttered with you, to wake up with you not by my side is unbearable. What’s worse is I’m getting used to it…and I hate it.

No one ever told me how to do this - how to be with someone. I never thought it would be possible for someone like me, not with all my rages, imperfections, melodramatic tendencies and especially not with my fears.

Then I met you. Life is funny that way. You promise yourself you’re never going to do this or that and suddenly you find yourself breaking those promises willingly. I promised myself never to fall in love..well…look where that got me.

You gave me a bravery I have never known. You have given me courage and strength to fight the only fear I could not face on my own - the fear of love. I’ve watched every relationship I have ever known crumble to the ground when the foundation was shaken. No one attempts to fix what’s broken anymore, they just abandon it. I’ve watched it happen time after time, even in my own life. It’s the reason why I never believed in things like love, marriage, or forever. It was all a lie, a work of cinematography and poetic bullshit. But you changed that. You gave me hope. When I look at you I see my future. when I look at you I get a glimpse of forever. I still get scared, but as long as I’m with you I will always have that glimmer of hope.

I hate when people are right about things I don’t want them to be right about. I hate when I have to write things I never wanted to write about. I have to, though. You see…writing it all down is the only way things make sense to me; the only way I can come to terms with truths I never wanted to face.

No one will ever love you as much as I do. Unfortunately, that love makes me stingy - selfish. If I can’t have you when I want, I fear my mindset resembles that of a five year old brat in a supermarket crying and banging my head against the floor until blood comes out of my ears and my mother finally concedes and buys me the candy I wanted so badly. But…that makes me feel clingy. If I had it my way, you’d never leave my side but…then you’d get tired of me. I know you would because I get tired of myself. The everyday blase experience of my presence would bore you right out the door. So unconsciously I put distance between you and I when we are together. I mean after all, the last thing I want to be is….clingy. I don’t want to follow you around like a lost puppy. I don’t want to beclingy. I don’t want to wait up for you or go out of my way to be next to you even though…I do. Even though I know I must bore you, even though I am, I don’t want to be clingy because there’s always the constant fear that you are going to leave me…again.