I had a friend once joke with me that "men mostly want sex, woman want the right to be hypocritical, yet call men on their inconsistencies." Yikes. No wonder men and women have struggles getting along!
One reason why understanding women isn't such an easy thing is because the ways women process thoughts and emotions are drastically different than their male counterparts' ways of processing.
Studies indicate women use emotion to process thought as their basis for decision making 30% more than men do.* As such, women are also known for being more intuitive than men. This is not exactly true, as men use intuition in different ways, and have different ways of communicating. Nevertheless, men tend to bond through shared activities, whereas women bond through sharing thoughts and feelings.
I've noticed that a woman will want to tell every little nuance of a story, where their male counterpart might be feeling like, "ok, what's the point?" A man typically seeks a solution to the problem, as if the story was a problem. Or, he's looking for a way to suggest something to help his woman improve, which is based upon competitive thinking (how men relate in conversation is much more competitive). In fact, a woman often is just relating this story to SHARE with him; there isn't anything competitive about it.
So what do women really want in a man? You want my take at it, here you go.
The top 6 things women want FROM MEN, in order, are:
1. Confidence (or Power)
2. Sense of humor (Fun)
3. Money or the things money can buy (Security)
4. Looks (Protection and Attraction)
5. A little bit of "Bad boy" qualities (Mysterious and Independent/Strong)
6. All the other stuff they typically list (varies - sensitive, caring, etc.)
1. Women want a man to be confident! Confidence is the number one quality women look for. Don't be wimpy. Don't apologize for everything. Be real. Be you.
2. Women go nuts over a man who will go the extra mile. For example, he opens the door for her, he walks on the right side of the street, he helps her shop. I'm talking about being a GENTLEMAN! If she is cold, offer her your jacket. If she is in trouble, protect her. If there is danger, put your arm around her. Be a real man.
3. A sense of humor. Women love a man who can make her laugh. If you are dull, you are boring. If you make a woman laugh, you're halfway home. Take a chance, be real, but be funny.
4. Women want a man to listen to them (yes, even to the gripes and details of all the craziness) and not necessarily give advice. Many women love to complain about their problems; however, they complain not to receive advice, but merely to sound off. I know it's hard to nod and be supportive, because you want to watch ESPN or do something that to you may seem more exciting, but the fact is, your woman will go to the ends of the earth to love you when you truly listen to them and acknowledge their needs. You need to understand that women need to VENT. Allow her this, and she'll allow you in. Nod. Get involved and provide active listening feedback. Be truly interested in what she is saying without worrying about what you're going to say next. Then, watch what happens as your woman opens up to you more.
Women want men to listen to them, because they have a need to be heard. And, women want their man to express his feelings and trust her with his intimate side. Real listening, with real intimacy, is rare. Real listening is suspending thinking about what to say and being deeply engaged in what she is talking about. Listening requires actively paying attention -- shutting off the chatter mind.
5. Women want to be treated like they are the sexiest woman on the planet and that no other woman compares. Talking about your ex-girlfriends is not going to score big points with your new woman. Treating her like she's the ONLY one will make her smile for quite a while.
6. Women want to know you will be faithful. Don't tell a woman how you cheated on your ex. It won't make her think you are wise, loyal, or trustworthy. I'm not saying to lie to her -- just don't go there. Don't cheat on your woman. She will not think you are a better man for doing this. Just like you want think you are the only man she's ever loved, well, that's the thing she wants, too. The key to faithfulness comes from your own inner character. Be a man of character and you will reap a relationship built upon trust. You gain respect through consistent committed action. Respect backed up by love builds trust, trust builds a strong relationship that can stand the tests of life and time.
7. Women SAY they want a sensitive man. Truth is, if you go around apologizing all the time and crying frequently then a woman will abuse you. Trust me, it is NOT wise to do. This was well exemplified during the beach scene in the movie Bedazzled, where the main character in the film was trying to woo his love interest, his advice had been to "be more sensitive." Well, he went so overboard, was so sensitive, that his love interest ended up walking away with another dude with the assumption that they'd have meaningless conversation and casual sex! Boy was HE surprised! Being overly sensitive is a quick way to get shown the door. It is important to strike a balance. Be strong, be there, yet share your emotions. Speak up and be real. Let them know you care. But don't be a sissy.
Women say they want to be treated like an equal. This is not true. Women want to be treated like a WOMAN. Not like a man. If she wanted to be with a woman, she'd do that. She wants to be with YOU. Therefore, be a MAN. This is not to be confused with being treated like a piece of property, not to be confused with being treated with disrespect. Women want to be respected! A woman wants to be respected for being feminine, being a woman. Women are quite different from men. A man who takes the time to understand the difference is a wise man. Bottom line here: NO MORE Mr. NICE GUY. Be a REAL MAN, not a sensitive NICE GUY. Because the nice guys usually do finish last.
You still don't get it? Ok, then try this: be your own bad self. I will say that some women are attracted to "Bad Boys". I think there is a certain ruggedness to the bad boy - they break rules, they sometimes behave rudely. But the true gentleman always remembers what matters most. Have an air of mystique, but definitely be you. If, on occasion, that means doing what you want, rather than what she wants, then do it. Just don't make a continual habit of it - that's rude.
8. Women LOVE a man with a plan. Women love men with ambition. Men who know who they are, what we're doing tonight, and what we're doing with our life. If you don't have a plan, get one. I have a plan (a) and plan (b) ready at all times, so that no matter what, it will appear I'm fairly spontaneous, but reality is I usually know where, when, and how the evening or date could go. In dating, it is extremely important that you have a plan when you ask a woman out. They will judge your sense of confidence by how well you have thought out where you will take her and what you will do together. So, think ahead, have a plan, then work that plan. While you're at it make sure you have an alternative plan, too, in case she doesn't like the first one!
It is equally important for a man to know when to call a woman's bluff and let her know when she is pushing his limits. A man who just falls over and laps at his woman's feet is a man who is called "whipped" for a reason. An example is as follows: she asks, "what do you want to do tonight," he says, "whatever you want to do." If this is his consistent pattern, he's whipped. She won't respect him in the end.
9. Give the woman in your life gifts. Like the Chairman of the Board, Ol' Blue Eyes, Frank Sinatra, used to say, "you gotta gift 'em." Well, I figure good enough for Frank, good enough for me. After all, Frank was a MASTER SWOONER. Guys, get this: Frank Sinatra went to Hollywood with a plan to take a lengthy list of top actresses in his movie studio to bed at some point during his career. As the story goes, he pretty much succeeded. Some women will frown when they read this - but guys, I know what you're thinking: "who did Frank get together with?" Well, how about Gina Lollobrigida and Ava Gardner, for starters (I believe it was Angie Dickinson who claimed to abstain). That's like saying Jennifer Lopez, Halle Berry, and Charlize Theron to today's younger actor. So, maybe giving a gift once in a while isn't such a bad idea. Just don't go broke trying to impress her! After all, Frank Sinatra also had a stellar voice, plenty of swagger, and loads of star power to go with his ability to buy a gift or two. Nevertheless, small gifts, especially gifts that show you were listening when she mentioned her favorite candy bar, or when she stopped at that jewelry counter to admire those earrings (but put them back without buying them), or how she commented on how she'd just love that dress in the window of that snazzy clothing store. Well, use your own imagination. But if you don't gift the woman in your life you'll probably be referred to by the woman you love as "cheapskate".
Now, "why," you ask, "do women care about gifts?" Good question. The answer is that one way women relate is through giving gifts - especially when you've paid attention to what they want. Women will gift exchange compliments with each other, too. So just trust me and surprise her with a gift every now and then and see if she doesn't respond favorably.
10. Be a true friend. Let her share her good times and problems with you. Be there, rather than just promising to be there. Consistent committed positive action is a definition of love. How do you show you are a friend? Are you there when it matters most? Are you there for the small stuff, too?
11. Women want to be loved, despite their flaws, and need to be satisfied mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as much as physically. Unconditional love would be ideal love. How can you love a woman without judgment, conditions, or rules? How would you like to be loved?
Sexually speaking, women define great sex differently than men, using words like soft candlelight, light touch, then becoming more aggressive as their mood rises to the occasion. A man, on the other hand, instantly rises to the occasion. Women want men to be their lover instead of obsessing over their body to just get sex. Rather than treat women as sex objects, treat them as someone to relate with; in other words, a real person! That means taking your time, showing extra attention, and being tender in ways with her to let her know she is special.
12. Women appreciate a man who is creative. Roses are nice. But sometimes it is extra special to think of something that most guys wouldn't do for a woman. It could be something frivolous, but if it is something that you think SHE would like, then why not do it? You might have just made her day.
13. Women want a sense of security, to know that her partner will be there if she becomes sick or when she grows old or flabby. Giving a woman security is being there through emotional and physical support. An example might be if she has to have surgery. Take the day off and be there for her, hold her hand, and give your full support to her. In other words, postpone that "tee time"! Security comes from trust. Again, this is about being able to rely in your strength of character.
Knowing these 13 traits, how can men better relate to women?
First, men need to develop ways of listening more akin to how women listen to each other. Women nod and say "aha, wow, yes, uh-huh" much more than men do. Men listen more quietly when they speak, and consider such mannerisms as an interruption. Men may improve their chances if they are interactive in conversation. Relate to them. Carry on the story with the extra question.
If you are going to compliment a woman, pay attention to how women compliment each other. Good examples include: new hairstyles, jewelry, sense of style, great laugh. Poor examples would be her boobs, butt, or other body parts. Again, that makes her feel like a sex object or piece of meat. Relate and get the story behind that bracelet she's wearing. Use "props" properly and you'll get positive proposition results!
One challenge men have is the tendency to see a woman as his personal sex toy. This is a real problem between men and women. He really needs to put aside the sex issue and consider the deeper issues: how does he feel with her? Does she make him laugh? Do they share common dreams and goals? (See "Is he/she the one?" for more information about this subject). When a man stops worrying about when or how he will get a woman in bed, the odds for a successful relationship improve dramatically.
Men need to appreciate a women for the effort she goes through to be beautiful for him. A woman does not have to be a size 6 or have perfectly toned muscles or large breasts to be a beautiful woman. It is important for women to love their body (flaws and all), as this attitude creates confidence in herself -- which is practically an aphrodisiac to a man. Appreciating what women go through is a way to develop gratitude. An "attitude of gratitude" goes a long way to improving a relationship. He can compliment her and let her know she is beautiful to him and that she is "perfect" to him.
Last, men need to share in the responsibility of building a good relationship. Helping make each day fun; living on purpose with aspirations, sharing the good times, and taking on the crazy challenges life can present, is what makes relationships worthwhile.
MY FAN POINT OF VIEW:
Top 10 List of What She Wants (and Doesn't Want) from a MAN!* In no particular order BTW!
1) In agreement with the article; CONFIDENCE! By damn I cant stress that enough! Nothing is more of a turn off to me than some wimpy ass mother fuqer with a limp grip handshake and a nasaly, whiny, femmy voice(gays/queens not included for the purpose herewith). Please note that confidence does not equate with arrogance nor male chauvenism, not in the least. By confidence I mean that a guy will not be threatened by the fact that I am more comfortable with power tools in my hand than a skillet. He wont freak out if I climb a tree or that I own guns, his masculinity will not feel trounced upon because I drive a big truck, like to fish and hunt and I dont need him to put the worm on the hook. Hopefully, because of the enjoyable years/experiences that I have had in the fighting arts, he wont feel threatened that I might just be able to kick his arse (not that Id want to if he treated me right).
I hope he has confidence in himself too. It turns me on to see a guy doing something, working at it, enjoying the process, being proud of the results and sharing the experience with me.
2) HEALTH! Nothing bugs me more than a guy that doesnt take care of himself, mentally as well as physically. I've spent way too many years enduring/conquering my own self abuse as well as having given others permission to abuse me because of my own stupidity. Ive grown alot as a person since then. I dont need to be around "toxic" people which includes guys I might ever be interested in. Im not talking about guys that have to have a certain body type or have to look a certain way. No, I mean a guy that will take care of his inside as well as his outside. To me, health equates with beauty/handsomeness.
Alcoholics/drug addicts need not apply, seriously. If you cant put the shit down long enough to have a life then you dont have time for me either and I will never, ever take second place to chemical dependancy again. I drink on occasion myself, Ive even tied on a good drunk too. However, since I usually go months and sometimes years without drinking (because I happen to have a life worth living), I dont need the BS. Football/hockey games on the tube and darts at the bar dont count, as long as they dont take up a 7 day a week schedule.
There are some really plain looking guys out there that Im absolutely turned on by because they make their health a priority. That special "aura" or whatever you want to call it that shines about them sure didnt come from botox or drinking alcohol all night. Patrick Swayze used to look super hot to me until he got that facelift or whatever the hell frankenstien job that was. Age can do amazing things to a guy. Look at Sam Elliot! Id do him in a heartbeat! Of course, there are always guys like Adam Beach and Michael GreyEyes (and damn near any other adult Indian male that was in "Dreamkeepers", by damn there were tons!) that make me feel all warm and snuggly inside along with a few other things I wont mention.
You cant take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself first!
3) Employment or Lack There Of! I really dont care if a guy is employed as long as he is doing something constructive with his time. If he wants us to adopt kids (since I cant have any more) and he stays home to take care of them thats okay by me. If he wants to spend his time volunteering, thats okay too. I dont care. I also dont care if hes a white collar power broker or an encyclopedia salesman, as long as he is comfortable in what he is doing, hes happy doing it and its of benefit, terrific! Ill bring it home. Now, if he wants to sit on his ass playing games all day and not do anything around the house, he wont be doing it in mine (unless hes actually creating the games).
4) "Bad Boy" Balanced with Sensitive! Oh yeah, I like bad boys to an extent. That mischevous gaze, that taunting attitude teasing me all day about what hes going to do to me that night. Oh yeah! I can feel the heat comin on! I think y'all know what I mean. I want a guy with some dare in him but not so much that he takes stupid risks. At the same time, I dont want a guy thats going to call me a pussy because I cried about something I found sensitive. You wanna race cars? Ill be right there with you! You wanna race cars down a public street? Lemme put you out of someone elses misery right now.
5) BRAINS! Nothing is more stimulating to me than a guy that can hold an intelligent conversation without repeating himself 8 million times or saying "UH" all night. I love educated guys but they dont neccessarily have to be college educated. There is alot of education just in life itself and if you are keeping up in life you score major points with me. Ive met alot of guys who flunked out in high school yet Id bet they could hold a damned good debate with those that have been and even beat em at it. On the other hand, guys that are so damned educated that they run you over with their knowledge and look upon you like your lower class can hit the bricks.
6) Balanced Power and Security! I love a guy that is comfortable with balancing power. Hey, not everyone is good at everything and if a guy cant do something that I can, I hope hes secure enough to ask me to do it. I also hope hes secure enough to understand that most all the things I enjoy doing involve being around guys. Im sorry but if Im going on a hunting trip where Im gone for a few days you must understand that hunting alone is dangerous and there arent alot of gals doing it. I also love, I mean LOVE dancing, which requires a partner aka guy. Also, in the course of my career it has been almost a requirement that I am dominant at work. I hope that the guy will understand this and realize that when I come home I want to unwind and kick that attitude to the curb. I hope he can work around my "foibles" and take the reins too. I dont want to dominate him, but I certainly wouldnt mind being dominated later. ;)
7) SEX! Sex is VERY important to me! I cant think of a more pleasurable way to spend time with a guy. I also believe in equal giving, the guy making the first move (most of the time, I dont know why but Im horrible at making the first move) and sometimes him even blurting it out that he wants some. Im not afraid. To me, if you are "serious" with someone this is the ultimate way of letting them know, without words, that they mean the world to me. If Im not serious with someone, believe me Ill still be grateful, then Im leaving.
I enjoy immensely a guy thats a great kisser as well as someone who will go "down under" if ya know what I mean. Im open to alot of things except pain. Id like a guy that wouldnt mind that all the candles are lit and the tub is ready. Sorry hunny but I just cant do it in the bedroom all the time. I also like a guy that'll wake me in the middle of the night for some action as well as tearing me up and knocking the fear out of me when a lightening storm is in full swing.
8) The Little Things! I like a guy that knows that the little things are important, even for himself. I can give as well as receive and sometimes just the mention of something will compel me to get it for you if I like you enough. Id like the same in return sometimes. Please understand that I cannot be bought. I understand that he cannot make all my dreams come true, but being by my side and helping me get there is gift enough. The little things arent neccessarily material either. Sometimes its as simple as a few well thought out words. As a former dancer, I love to dance! However, if he did dance with me once in awhile, that would be such a nice gesture that would mean the world to me!
These last two just might be the most important of all to me.......
9) Understanding, Respect and Honesty! These are together because I wont seperate them, they go together. The guy MUST understand that I have lived life in the nicest parts of hell and I can just as easily take them there as it is for me to get there on my own. I do NOT understand the concept of love. For what I have seen in it, it starts out great only to become an open invitation to rip me to shreds. Ive been told and experienced that people hurt the ones closest to them. So if a guy thinks I am standoffish, even though I may say differently, this may be why. Its protection for both of us. Im very much a realist in this department. Maybe there is a guy out there strong enough to handle this. Its not that I dont care, I do. I may care too much. But for me to vocalize love and it be sincere, I dont know that I can do that. Its a word that has been used much too often IMHO and meant nothing. The lips are saying it but the actions prove otherwise.
The guy must understand that I am ADD (Attention Defecit Disorder) and that I am not st00pid although Ill joke around and say that I am. There are times that no matter how many times and how many different ways something is explained, Im just not going to get it. I may later, but in frustration I may not in the moment and even days later. Sometimes I never will. Its a struggle for me, be man enough to not put me down for it and give me that hug I really need.
The guy must also understand that there are things I do in my life that I just will not change. He must also understand that if I am "with" him, its because I want to be, not because I have to be. I want him for him and I hope he does the same for me. I dont get with someone so I can change them but I certainly understand that change is a natural occurence and that the "honeymoon" period wont last forever.
I will never, ever tolerate disrespect! Not towards myself, my son and not towards him either. You cannot have a firm relationship with it. It speaks for itself.
Honesty is difficult, honesty hurts and honesty is a requirement, period. Im old enough to take it. Its all in how you say it. If Ive got a shirt on that makes me look like shit, tell me. Just dont sit there and dont put me down personally that the shirt doesnt look good on me. Just tell me Ive got another one that looks way better. Ill do the same.
10) Spirituality! Not neccessary for the guy but he must understand that I am and very much so. Thats why, (and it is racist but for a good reason) most guys nowadays that I may consider in seriousness are Indigenous men. I am not christian, I was and never will be again. I dont have to worry about freaking out some guy thats never seen Indian "medicine" before and he thinks Im some kind of witch practising black magic or voodoo. I dont need that kind of attitude around me when I am preparing for ceremony. Im very serious about my spirituality and what I do in the community. That doesnt mean I wont "see" a non-Indian guy, not in the least. However, the potential suitor must understand that I am this way, I wont change and I wont take shit for being and living with as much of my traditions as I can. Its just a whole lot easier if the guy is Indian, a real one! Not a wannabe or some kind of "shaman" in training. Non Indian guys, I wont not consider you, you just have to understand that I am who I am and no one else. If you want to be there it might be hard for you but if you are sincere and honest Ill help you to understand as best I can.
Monday, August 20, 2012
LOVE: WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ACCEPT ME?
Most people want to be accepted, at least by those they care about. In many marriages this notion of acceptance becomes one of "accept me as I am". More powerfully stated it becomes "If you loved me, really loved me, you'd accept me as I am".
This nonsensical notion stems from some gross misconceptions about something popularly called "Unconditional Love" or "Unconditional Acceptance". I used to take the position, that perhaps with the exception of a parent to a young child, there was no such thing as unconditional love. After much discussion with people I now believe there may be such a thing as unconditional love between adults.
However, unconditional love is not relational love. It, if it exists, sits separate from relating. There is no such thing as unconditional relating. All relating is conditional, therefore all marriages are conditional and all marital acceptance is conditional.
To explain this I'd use an example many people turn to as an example or model or unconditional love: their dog or cat. Oddly, the reality is this is the perfect model of conditional love, or relating, at it's best.
Assuming you have a dog or cat with which you have a great "love" relationship I'd challenge you to run an experiment. In two simple steps stop feeding your pet and stop paying any positive attention to it. In a very brief time your "friend" will begin behaving differently toward you. If you want to speed up this experiment simply throw your dog or cat into the wall twice a day.
The reason the animal's behavior will change is the way you and your pet relate is built on a smoothly functioning set of conditions. You feed and attend to your pet in warm kind ways and it will, in turn, respond by attending to you, with affection, work, entertainment, or whatever it is you get from your animal.
The reverse of this experiment would also work. If every time you got home your cat clawed through your skin, or your dog punctured your leg with a bite, it won't take long for your behavior, and probably even your feelings toward the animal to change. Maybe you'll still love your animal, unconditionally, as you take it to the humane society and get rid of it. Or, out of some bizarre sense of obligation and/or guilt, you'll keep it around as some sort of perpetual nuisance in your home.
Let's put the notion of unconditional acceptance into human terms. One of the concepts people seem to like to draw on is "it's just the way I am". How absurd. Would you accept your child stealing money from you, or cheating on exams? Would it work if they said, "it's just who I am, a thief and a cheat"? Maybe your neighbor sets fire to your house and explains "it's just who I am, an arson". If it doesn't count for other people than it doesn't count for you.
Unconditional love or acceptance has nothing to do with relating. Again, all relating is conditional. So, if you've craved some sort of unconditional acceptance as part of relating to your spouse, you really do need to live on Mars or Venus…maybe it exists there. In this world relating is conditional.
This means, if you want your partner's acceptance and love you have to behave in ways which elicit it. Likewise, in turn, if they want your love and acceptance they must elicit that.
One of the common phenomenon which exist in relationships is the use of coercion to elicit behavior. For some this coercion comes in the form of intimidation (usually in the form of intensity). For others it comes in the form of the use of guilt. Some even bring "god" into the picture as the source of coercion. Partners attempt to elicit specific behaviors through these techniques. Sadly, in the short run the techniques often work. That is, the coercion elicits a very specific and limited piece of behavior from their partner. However, the ramification of coercion is alienation.
What these people don't understand is relating, whether with a dog, or a partner, is conditional. If they wanted certain things, like warmth or affection or fun, then they need to behave in ways that elicit these rather than coerce them. It is necessary for them to change their behavior and attitudes and then those in their life will respond in kind.
As a young man I was hostile and angry. Oddly, so was the world. This reaction from the people around me was used to continue to justify my hostility. And people continued to treat me accordingly. Today, almost everyone I meet is nice to me. It seems so simple now, but it really was an "ah ha" experience when I realized I was eliciting exactly what I got, and didn't want, from people.
Most of us crave acceptance from someone. If you do, then behave acceptably.
This nonsensical notion stems from some gross misconceptions about something popularly called "Unconditional Love" or "Unconditional Acceptance". I used to take the position, that perhaps with the exception of a parent to a young child, there was no such thing as unconditional love. After much discussion with people I now believe there may be such a thing as unconditional love between adults.
However, unconditional love is not relational love. It, if it exists, sits separate from relating. There is no such thing as unconditional relating. All relating is conditional, therefore all marriages are conditional and all marital acceptance is conditional.
To explain this I'd use an example many people turn to as an example or model or unconditional love: their dog or cat. Oddly, the reality is this is the perfect model of conditional love, or relating, at it's best.
Assuming you have a dog or cat with which you have a great "love" relationship I'd challenge you to run an experiment. In two simple steps stop feeding your pet and stop paying any positive attention to it. In a very brief time your "friend" will begin behaving differently toward you. If you want to speed up this experiment simply throw your dog or cat into the wall twice a day.
The reason the animal's behavior will change is the way you and your pet relate is built on a smoothly functioning set of conditions. You feed and attend to your pet in warm kind ways and it will, in turn, respond by attending to you, with affection, work, entertainment, or whatever it is you get from your animal.
The reverse of this experiment would also work. If every time you got home your cat clawed through your skin, or your dog punctured your leg with a bite, it won't take long for your behavior, and probably even your feelings toward the animal to change. Maybe you'll still love your animal, unconditionally, as you take it to the humane society and get rid of it. Or, out of some bizarre sense of obligation and/or guilt, you'll keep it around as some sort of perpetual nuisance in your home.
Let's put the notion of unconditional acceptance into human terms. One of the concepts people seem to like to draw on is "it's just the way I am". How absurd. Would you accept your child stealing money from you, or cheating on exams? Would it work if they said, "it's just who I am, a thief and a cheat"? Maybe your neighbor sets fire to your house and explains "it's just who I am, an arson". If it doesn't count for other people than it doesn't count for you.
Unconditional love or acceptance has nothing to do with relating. Again, all relating is conditional. So, if you've craved some sort of unconditional acceptance as part of relating to your spouse, you really do need to live on Mars or Venus…maybe it exists there. In this world relating is conditional.
This means, if you want your partner's acceptance and love you have to behave in ways which elicit it. Likewise, in turn, if they want your love and acceptance they must elicit that.
One of the common phenomenon which exist in relationships is the use of coercion to elicit behavior. For some this coercion comes in the form of intimidation (usually in the form of intensity). For others it comes in the form of the use of guilt. Some even bring "god" into the picture as the source of coercion. Partners attempt to elicit specific behaviors through these techniques. Sadly, in the short run the techniques often work. That is, the coercion elicits a very specific and limited piece of behavior from their partner. However, the ramification of coercion is alienation.
What these people don't understand is relating, whether with a dog, or a partner, is conditional. If they wanted certain things, like warmth or affection or fun, then they need to behave in ways that elicit these rather than coerce them. It is necessary for them to change their behavior and attitudes and then those in their life will respond in kind.
As a young man I was hostile and angry. Oddly, so was the world. This reaction from the people around me was used to continue to justify my hostility. And people continued to treat me accordingly. Today, almost everyone I meet is nice to me. It seems so simple now, but it really was an "ah ha" experience when I realized I was eliciting exactly what I got, and didn't want, from people.
Most of us crave acceptance from someone. If you do, then behave acceptably.
LOVE: IS ATTRACTION THE BE ALL....THE EVERYTHING: A FAN ASK
First i want to say I love your blog. Everytime I read it , I learn something new that opens my eyes in seeing things. I have a problem that I thought you might helpe me. I have been trying this online thing for the past 2 years as a friend told me it is a fun way to meet some people, and found no luck at all in dating wise, only friends wise. In the beginning it bothered me when the women would decide to meet me said there was no physical attraction or that there was nothing attractive about me or that they found me unattractive but a great guy who is fun. Nowadays it doesn't bother me in the least bit if it is said. As once you hear it a bunch of times you just shrug it off. But I am curious, sure attraction has to be there I know, is physical attraction the big draw now? Can a guy sell himself on the fact he is average to ugly looking but is a great guy or is that a lost cause in itself? Many women say they cannot be emotionally attracted to a guy. I wonder if that is true now, I never agreed with that ever. I know alot of the guys will agree that all women when talking about the kind of guy they want, it is all personality they describe but then the let down happens when they are judged on thier looks
WHAT I SAID:
I have met lots of women over the years and yes they do like who I am. But from my experiences ONLY here, not being negative or anything just speaking from comments made to me, this is what has been said. "You are a fun guy, very easy going. Not boring to talk to. I feel comfortable around you so easily. You seem like a sweet guy. BUT there is no PHYSICAL ATTRACTION" So now I ask this, if you are told this numerous times over the years are you to think awesome I am good looking and the women just don't see it? Or you think maybe they are right, I lack in looks, no attraction. See then it is a case of "You are putting yourself down" yet all I am going by is what has been said to me over the past few years is all.I have no clue why they think this about me, if I knew I would not be single and I would not be asking anyone if Physical Attraction was so important. By far I am not putting myself down, seems if the truth is told and it is not something positive, you are in turn being negative about yourself, yet if i BS and say something positive and then women say "You are lying" gee what is worse someone being truthful about a certain thing or being a liar.I am flattered that you think I am good looking. It is refreshing to hear as no I have not heard that in years. So hey if I have blown it so far then oh well. But all I have been doing is being truthful. I am a great guy to get to know...the problem is many women have judged beforehand and not taken that chance, others have but still in the end use the attraction thing as the cop out. I have learned that on the personals sites you need to lie more and build yourself up to be someone you are not to impress for some reason. Because so many women are let down when they meet guys alot of times. I always thought being honest and not a liar was what was wanted...I guess we will see
I was bitter in the summer because my long years of bad luck finally got to me and hearing the "No physical attraction" for the tenth time just hit a nerve. Now I just go with the flow again. Trying to rebuild my confidence as I was an idiot to let that get hammered. Too many people are in such a rush to date someone, meet them "Ugh he is so plain, next" that is shallow but is the society we live in. I will admit that over the past couple of months I have been hesitant to meet anyone offline because of the last batch over the two years i have tried this online thing have been the same "not physically attractive but a fun and great guy, next" and that has pissed me off after the last one in the fall.Only time someone grows on you in a way and even then most times you will still not be thier type is if you work with someone, hang with some people or person that that person hangs with too. But attraction is the number one element to dating, first impression is "Yes he looks good I will see him again or no he is nothing to look at, no second date"Mind you if you get to a second date, that is where the women will determine if you are dating material as then they will see what kind of person you are.
I know everyone has different likes and dislikes, but also women do know they can find a hot guy who is a terrific guy compared with settling for an average guy who is a terrific guy. Women know this, so that is why I asked this question in the first place. My looks has been the roadblock to being successful in dating. I have sent you my picture with this email, you tell me. Most women have told me outright, my personality is terrific but my looks lack. Mind you it is refreshing and flattering that some on here say otherwise. Now if i had top of the line clothes and drove a fancy car, and had a career title in my job title then sure my luck would not be bad, but then I would attract the wrong type of women. And believe it or not some women I have met said that living in a big city prestige is what women want, so better get with the times. That freaked me out and I thought man, being someone I am not is the way to go? Forget it then, may as well be single. But not all women are the same, just that all women seem to get screwed around and that makes some jaded too
I think more and more people are drawn to others for looks more now than anything else. Takes alot of meetings to come across someone who will look past someone's looks be they are hot babes or average looking. is the society we live in. Finding someone who will think "I will see what he/she is all about" is like finding a diamond in the rough, will take so long and eventually you give up. First impressions matter the most to most people, so makes it harder as many of us back out figuring "I just do not think I will impress him/her"Has happened to me numerous times. I just felt I didn't want the same outcome as the last ones this time around.What was funny to me was the last woman I met in September, we went out for coffee, were talking and laughing etc, then she said 'You know you are such a great guy, I feel very comfortable around you but.." then i cut her off and said "There is no physical attraction..but there are many women out there that would love to meet a guy like you" needless to say she was stunned that I said word for word what she was going to say. She said "I gotta ask you, how did you know that was what I was going to say? and my reply was "Because I think there must be a course that alot of women are taking or have taken because I have heard that exact phrase about 10 times now" Was the truth. And I said no offence, she said I am sorry, you are a great guy. and I said thanks.
Many women have told me they cannot be emotionally attracted to a guy. Has to be physical and then the emotional part comes later.That part I never undestood before.If you dress awesome so you sort of improve your looks/appearance, that in turn does impress women. But then even if they do give you a chance for a 2nd date so that you can get to know then, they will be disappointed for the fact not all guys dress and look that way all the time. So that is like bait then, lure her in.And how everyone has different tastes, think different people are attractive, it is geting more common now that women do set the standards on looks/appearance higher because they know they can do that. They have the power to pick and choose and so this in turn helps them weed out the potential losers. But alot of times decent guys get overlooked. Is it fair? Sure it is, women put up with alot of BS from most men so they have to look at men as all the same. Women are not constantly approaching men, is always men approaching women.It is like the guy (or woman) who is hot and wears the latest top clothes and drives that Infiniti car (guy in this case), practically every woman's head will turn. Yet he could be so into himself, but that guy will in fact get all the chances with 3/4 of the women. Why? Because of how he looks. Hands down it gets you farther if you look how the ladies want you to look. Substance is not important as much because a woman is not going to want to wake up beside a guy in the morning and say "Oh he is so sweet" if he ain't anything to look at. Human nature, and is why many guys and girls are single, because they keep trying and hope to get that other person interested. Yes true that people have different tastes, but I do think that the majority of women find the same guys hot and the same guys attractive. Status is what alot also want, and especially if a woman has experienced a guy like that already? She won't want less. Ever noticed that if you are introduced to someone through a friend or meet a co-worker, you are not as much judged on your looks? More who you are. Because of the surroundings. Online is more you look good or you do not
WHAT I SAID:
As I've gotten older I've realized that the rosy image I had of women has been slightly tarnished. I have to agree with alot of what you wrote. I used to think that women were always looking for a great guy, that attractiveness was important but *most* women in my naive mind were looking instead for a steady and supportive mate. Now, for the most part, that is still true, but not to the degree that I believed in my early 20's. Since that time I've realized there is as varied a spectrum of female behaviors as their are for males, the only differences are in the relative amounts of the different behaviours. For example, there is a larger percentage of males in my experience, willingly ready to cheat on their mates than females. Are there females who are the same way, of course, but not percentage wise the same number as for males. Also, experience has shown me that males are more prone to being "whores" than females, this makes sense given the differences in the sexes (not saying it is right just that it makes sense sociologically speaking!) but at the same time there are lots of female "whores" as well. Of course this is just from my experience but it jibes with the experiences of my male acquaintances. I think attractiveness is important to both sides, I think it is more important to males than to females, but females can also hold it as a primary factor. At the same time females are more likely to be persuaded by the charms and character of a man over his looks than a male. You just need to look at various couples in the entertainment industry to clearly see that ugly guys have no problem landing "hot" chicks. In fact with amazing regularity. Rarely do you see the opposite pairing. So I guess over all I"d have to say I have a different view of the situation from you, I must admit though that I have been the subject of both sides of the situation (both being dissed by a "pretty girl" and being the object of a "pretty" girl's desire) and it is interesting what different people feel is important. I've tried to get to know "average" looking girls in my view and have been dissed, but then months later been approached by what I'd consider "hot" girls. Every ones mind has a different combination of self perception and self confidence traits that allows their attitude on looks to range from "makes sense for how she looks" to "why on earth does she think she can do better than him?" This is the story of human sociology, it's best to learn the patterns and adapt because you aren't going to change the rules!The problem is that both men and women tend to think that sitting behind a monitor gives them the power to "demand" only the best.
Someone looks is what you notice first, but in time and getting to the know a person their personality can alter that initial perception. I have seen women who I thought were drop dead gorgeous and then they start talking and you notice that she has an evil twist to her mouth when she smiles. Or the plain woman who is with the gorgeous guy and you don't understand the attraction and then you notice her eyes sparkle when she talks and she is the sweetest most loving person you have ever met. Same works with men, the best looking guys can lose their appeal with a poor attitude and the less then attractive gains appeal with a great personality. Looks without personality is like buying a $5 wading pool at Walmart, it is shallow, fades and grows brittle and useless over time.
There are many above average looking women and men out there, and we do not automatically want them because of their looks or even their personality and style......it takes all of it in the right combination that makes us say I want to know you better, more, get to know you, want you, touch you, and that means sparks to me externally and internally.......and all of that will happen at the first and get nothing but better as we develop a deeper understanding of each other and relationship.
LOVE: HOW DO YOU IF SHE IS RIGHT >> THE FOUR TIRE OF LOVE
THE TIRES TOOL
To here we are at the trail head and you just drove up in your brand new or slightly dented relationship. Or maybe you stalled getting here and are pushing your relationship up the road. Whether your relationship is new or old, we want to help you kick the tires and see whether it is roadworthy. We are going to help you evaluate whether or not your relationship is reliable. Just like a car, your relationship must be reliable because it’s meant to carry you, your partner and maybe some kids over all kinds of emotional territory. The tires on your vehicle are especially important because without them you're going nowhere fast. So let’s compare the fullness of each tire to essential qualities that are required to make a lifetime journey with your mate. We’ll give you a gauge to measure just how full they are:
Right Front Tire: Intellectual Compatibility
Do you think your partner is as smart as you? Do you feel as smart as your partner? Were you attracted to their native intelligence? Can they think their way out of a paper bag? Do they think you can? If this is a new relationship be on the lookout for Intellectual Compatibility. No matter how hot this relationship is in the beginning, eventually the nights will be very lonely when you're all alone with dum-dum. It’s also really obnoxious to live with a know-it-all who doesn't think you can keep up with the conversation. This is not to say that you have to have the same type of intelligence as your partner. They may be better at mechanical stuff and you may be more poetic. What's important is that you respect each other’s minds and are impressed with each others thinking process. If you are evaluating a longer term relationship and are feeling out of sorts with each other, try to remember back to when you were dating. Were you attracted to each others brain droppings? Did you feel all racy inside when your partner would say or do something particularly clever? This is a good sign that your partner will be good company for you over time. It’s great to have a partner that gets your jokes when life gets too serious.
Left Front Tire: Sexual Compatibility
For a lot of couples it’s all sizzle and flame in the beginning so they may be scoring themselves a ten in this department and moving on to the next tire. Usually couples are attracted physically and that’s why they swap phone numbers to begin with. When couples have a lower tire it’s because they may have been through a hot to trot relationship in the past and gotten burned. They may have been so eager for stable companionship that they have underestimated the importance of pure animal attraction.
You don’t have to have a 10 in this area to succeed, but anything lower than a 7 is going to be trouble. Your partner doesn’t need to be attractive to anybody else but you. Only your opinion matters! Attraction is a very personal and complex combination of qualities. You have to like your partner’s basic smell (the one they have after a shower or before a hog race). You have to like the way they look even with the lights on. Their voice should be pleasing to your ear. You should like the way their skin and hair (or scalp) feels. Ok you get the picture. Don’t overlook this tire. If you do you’ll tire of your partner.
Right Rear Tire: Moral Match
Believe it or not, we see a lot of couples who detest each others morality but it’s so hot in the sack that they ignore abominable morals. If you meet a person who turns you on but just got out of prison or asks you for a loan on the first date they are giving you an important clue. It’s amazing the tricks hormones can play on otherwise intelligent human beings. For instance, a lot of people hook up with people who are still married. If someone is still married that means they are cheating on their mate. Does that offend your morality? Sometimes it’s better to turn this question around. If you were the betrayed mate how would you feel? Don’t kid yourself, if someone could lie to their partner in order to sneak around with you, they are perfectly capable of doing it again, to you, when you become yesterday’s news.
This is why it’s a good idea to have high morals yourself. If you are cheating and slacking off in your own life you’re more likely to cut someone slack who is a moral moron too. Don’t discount how your potential partner is regarded by their friends, (if they have any), work mates, (if they have a job), and kids. If they have children from a past relationship they should care about them and for them. If they refuse to pay child support they are neglecting their kids and breaking the law. Watch how they treat their animals. If their dog runs under the couch when they approach, you should run too. How the rest of the world sees us speaks volumes about our character. And don’t fall for fancy talkers either. Talk is cheap. Keep your eyes open and notice the way they walk. If their tongue is flapping but their feet don’t follow through step out of this relationship because it will be all talk and no action. Hopefully, you’re both walking tall in this very important department and your tire is at least a 9!
Left Rear Tire: Future Plans
Do you both want kids? Do you want to live in the same part of the country? Do you want to purchase a home or rent a condo or live in a tree house and go on a safari? As silly as these questions may sound it’s even sillier not to ask them. Many couples assume that since they love each other they will naturally want the same things from life. Or they are afraid to ask because it would just ruin a perfectly good fantasy. Since we are preparing you for a long journey and not a day trip we want you to ask each other what you want out of life before you race off into the sunset. If one of you wants to be upper middle class and the other is seriously into beach bumming, you’ve got trouble. Couples can compromise when the compromise isn’t around a central goal or value. You may decide to downsize from three kids to two but you aren’t going to talk someone out of having children without incurring serious resentment and lifelong heartache. So drag out the story of your “perfect life” and compare notes. Are you in sync? And don’t forget the details. Who is going to manage the money? Who is going to make the money? Who is going to watch the kids? Whose parents do we visit on the holidays? You can visit a minister or a psychotherapist to take a test that will help you both answer these kinds of questions. It’s called Pre-marital Counseling and it’s a lot cheaper than divorce court.
Know That You Know, What Do You Do?
A car with full tires is still going to have a challenging time facing rush hour traffic, bad weather conditions and inevitable wear and tear. We are recommending that you start out with four good tires because it’s going to be a bumpy ride at times. If you’re like a lot of our clients you may be seeing your relationship in a whole new light after taking this little test. You may be missing some very important tires. You may notice that your relationship looks a lot more like a trike, a bike, or, heaven forbid, a unicycle. You may be asking “But will it work if one of these tires is a 5 or lower?” We’d like to ask you a few questions. How would you feel about taking a car on a long ride with anything less than full tires? How would you like to raise kids on a bicycle built for two? And how many egomaniacs can ride a unicycle? We’re also asking you to take an honest look in the mirror. Where could you improve yourself? We all need to challenge ourselves to grow intellectually, stay physically fit and active. We need to improve morally and consider how our actions and communication styles affect others. Most of us could learn to be kinder to ourselves and others during times of stress. And it is essential to give careful thought to our future plans and dreams. If you and your partner are willing to take an honest look at your low tires and fill them up with good energy, then travel on. If you find that either one of you is not willing to inflate these tires with your positive effort then you may have a relationship that is stable but boring. It’s kind of like a car that never leaves the driveway. Or you may endlessly argue and sabotage each other instead of paying attention to what’s missing so that you can change it. Remember to return to the base camp of humility and admit that you both need to improve. Ignoring the problem is the problem. If you are just entering a relationship and even one of these tires is below a five be forewarned, it’s not going to work out! It’s better to do your crying before you’ve invested too much in a broken down jalopy of a relationship. These flat tires are hurting you now but you may be discounting their importance because you are infatuated with fantasy rather than inflated with good energy. When romance fades these low tires will be the source of endless conflict and pain. We hope that you will summon whatever personal strength you have and back your car out of the driveway of denial and put this non-roadworthy relationship in the rear view mirror of your life.
To here we are at the trail head and you just drove up in your brand new or slightly dented relationship. Or maybe you stalled getting here and are pushing your relationship up the road. Whether your relationship is new or old, we want to help you kick the tires and see whether it is roadworthy. We are going to help you evaluate whether or not your relationship is reliable. Just like a car, your relationship must be reliable because it’s meant to carry you, your partner and maybe some kids over all kinds of emotional territory. The tires on your vehicle are especially important because without them you're going nowhere fast. So let’s compare the fullness of each tire to essential qualities that are required to make a lifetime journey with your mate. We’ll give you a gauge to measure just how full they are:
Right Front Tire: Intellectual Compatibility
Do you think your partner is as smart as you? Do you feel as smart as your partner? Were you attracted to their native intelligence? Can they think their way out of a paper bag? Do they think you can? If this is a new relationship be on the lookout for Intellectual Compatibility. No matter how hot this relationship is in the beginning, eventually the nights will be very lonely when you're all alone with dum-dum. It’s also really obnoxious to live with a know-it-all who doesn't think you can keep up with the conversation. This is not to say that you have to have the same type of intelligence as your partner. They may be better at mechanical stuff and you may be more poetic. What's important is that you respect each other’s minds and are impressed with each others thinking process. If you are evaluating a longer term relationship and are feeling out of sorts with each other, try to remember back to when you were dating. Were you attracted to each others brain droppings? Did you feel all racy inside when your partner would say or do something particularly clever? This is a good sign that your partner will be good company for you over time. It’s great to have a partner that gets your jokes when life gets too serious.
Left Front Tire: Sexual Compatibility
For a lot of couples it’s all sizzle and flame in the beginning so they may be scoring themselves a ten in this department and moving on to the next tire. Usually couples are attracted physically and that’s why they swap phone numbers to begin with. When couples have a lower tire it’s because they may have been through a hot to trot relationship in the past and gotten burned. They may have been so eager for stable companionship that they have underestimated the importance of pure animal attraction.
You don’t have to have a 10 in this area to succeed, but anything lower than a 7 is going to be trouble. Your partner doesn’t need to be attractive to anybody else but you. Only your opinion matters! Attraction is a very personal and complex combination of qualities. You have to like your partner’s basic smell (the one they have after a shower or before a hog race). You have to like the way they look even with the lights on. Their voice should be pleasing to your ear. You should like the way their skin and hair (or scalp) feels. Ok you get the picture. Don’t overlook this tire. If you do you’ll tire of your partner.
Right Rear Tire: Moral Match
Believe it or not, we see a lot of couples who detest each others morality but it’s so hot in the sack that they ignore abominable morals. If you meet a person who turns you on but just got out of prison or asks you for a loan on the first date they are giving you an important clue. It’s amazing the tricks hormones can play on otherwise intelligent human beings. For instance, a lot of people hook up with people who are still married. If someone is still married that means they are cheating on their mate. Does that offend your morality? Sometimes it’s better to turn this question around. If you were the betrayed mate how would you feel? Don’t kid yourself, if someone could lie to their partner in order to sneak around with you, they are perfectly capable of doing it again, to you, when you become yesterday’s news.
This is why it’s a good idea to have high morals yourself. If you are cheating and slacking off in your own life you’re more likely to cut someone slack who is a moral moron too. Don’t discount how your potential partner is regarded by their friends, (if they have any), work mates, (if they have a job), and kids. If they have children from a past relationship they should care about them and for them. If they refuse to pay child support they are neglecting their kids and breaking the law. Watch how they treat their animals. If their dog runs under the couch when they approach, you should run too. How the rest of the world sees us speaks volumes about our character. And don’t fall for fancy talkers either. Talk is cheap. Keep your eyes open and notice the way they walk. If their tongue is flapping but their feet don’t follow through step out of this relationship because it will be all talk and no action. Hopefully, you’re both walking tall in this very important department and your tire is at least a 9!
Left Rear Tire: Future Plans
Do you both want kids? Do you want to live in the same part of the country? Do you want to purchase a home or rent a condo or live in a tree house and go on a safari? As silly as these questions may sound it’s even sillier not to ask them. Many couples assume that since they love each other they will naturally want the same things from life. Or they are afraid to ask because it would just ruin a perfectly good fantasy. Since we are preparing you for a long journey and not a day trip we want you to ask each other what you want out of life before you race off into the sunset. If one of you wants to be upper middle class and the other is seriously into beach bumming, you’ve got trouble. Couples can compromise when the compromise isn’t around a central goal or value. You may decide to downsize from three kids to two but you aren’t going to talk someone out of having children without incurring serious resentment and lifelong heartache. So drag out the story of your “perfect life” and compare notes. Are you in sync? And don’t forget the details. Who is going to manage the money? Who is going to make the money? Who is going to watch the kids? Whose parents do we visit on the holidays? You can visit a minister or a psychotherapist to take a test that will help you both answer these kinds of questions. It’s called Pre-marital Counseling and it’s a lot cheaper than divorce court.
Know That You Know, What Do You Do?
A car with full tires is still going to have a challenging time facing rush hour traffic, bad weather conditions and inevitable wear and tear. We are recommending that you start out with four good tires because it’s going to be a bumpy ride at times. If you’re like a lot of our clients you may be seeing your relationship in a whole new light after taking this little test. You may be missing some very important tires. You may notice that your relationship looks a lot more like a trike, a bike, or, heaven forbid, a unicycle. You may be asking “But will it work if one of these tires is a 5 or lower?” We’d like to ask you a few questions. How would you feel about taking a car on a long ride with anything less than full tires? How would you like to raise kids on a bicycle built for two? And how many egomaniacs can ride a unicycle? We’re also asking you to take an honest look in the mirror. Where could you improve yourself? We all need to challenge ourselves to grow intellectually, stay physically fit and active. We need to improve morally and consider how our actions and communication styles affect others. Most of us could learn to be kinder to ourselves and others during times of stress. And it is essential to give careful thought to our future plans and dreams. If you and your partner are willing to take an honest look at your low tires and fill them up with good energy, then travel on. If you find that either one of you is not willing to inflate these tires with your positive effort then you may have a relationship that is stable but boring. It’s kind of like a car that never leaves the driveway. Or you may endlessly argue and sabotage each other instead of paying attention to what’s missing so that you can change it. Remember to return to the base camp of humility and admit that you both need to improve. Ignoring the problem is the problem. If you are just entering a relationship and even one of these tires is below a five be forewarned, it’s not going to work out! It’s better to do your crying before you’ve invested too much in a broken down jalopy of a relationship. These flat tires are hurting you now but you may be discounting their importance because you are infatuated with fantasy rather than inflated with good energy. When romance fades these low tires will be the source of endless conflict and pain. We hope that you will summon whatever personal strength you have and back your car out of the driveway of denial and put this non-roadworthy relationship in the rear view mirror of your life.
LOVE: DON'T DENIAL YOUR HUNGER FOR LOVE...I DON'T
Who has no need . . .of a true companion? Who doesn't want a great friend? Are there lots of people who don't wish to be appreciated and accepted? People who reject devotion? Are there many men and women who do not long for a tender lover whose caress is their delight? And how many turn up their nose at a partner who is both responsible and generous? It is hard to imagine who could resist being a fool for such basics. Beyond the merely mundane requirements of life mentioned above, there are infinite flavors of intimacy we might long for, even if we don't know them directly. Yet. Our intimacy cravings are constantly stimulated by movies, T.V., and popular music. The possibility of loving with wild abandon can occur to us through exposure to the drama of Wuthering Heights or the lyrics of Marc Cohn. In The Last of the Mohicans, Daniel Day Lewis set an olympic example of relentless, impassioned devotion to his soulmate. Some of us might not be able to imagine being treated with loving care in the midst of mortal affliction unless we had seen Ryan O'Neal at the bedside of Allie McGraw in Love Story. And in Romancing the Stone, a romantic bond based on exhilarating adventure sold quite well, even if the experience was unfamiliar to the viewers. In our culture, we are deluged with glimpses and echoes of ideal possibilities in relationships. Yet in the middle of this deluge that has been going on for decades, the is a lot of skeptical snorting. I hear single both married and single people grousing that such ideal images are sappy and unrealistic. Both sexes frown in discouragement when they glimpse satisfactions they covet but are afraid to claim. And far too many single people settle for a scant crumb when they are dying for a full meal. Make no mistake about it, we need those sappy romantic, emotion-saturated ideals. Ideals give us something to shoot for -- like shooting for the moon, which was once a ridiculous possibility but now seems more attainable than a good relationship. That is why the best imagery from movies and music and (yes) television can be great catalysts for in-the-flesh relationships. They provide us with a richer repertoire of goals than most of us can think up on our own. They help us transcend the limitations of our individual life experience. Both sexes need equally powerful statements of an intimate ideal to fan desire, because it is desire that fuels action and makes things happen between people. Without an ideal of desire, we have nowhere to aim, no way to correct our course, no what to now when we have really hit the bullseye. Without strong emotional beacons it is easy to become socially demoralized and expect the worst. For example, Far too many of my male patient tell me they have stopped expecting women to be nice to them, that they are too discouraged to try for a good conversation with a woman, let alone pursue an impassioned love affair. They say it is no use seeking the closeness they want, that they would be happy for a few casual dates and a little fun . . . or one date that turned out well . . . or a few friendly dances . . . or one dance . . . or a smile . . . or simply the absence of a humiliating time. Women have their song of denial as well. It usually involves some version of the old classic: I'm really not interested in a Relationship. There are no good men available, anyway. They're all jerks and I'm better off alone, pursuing my own interests. These are deadly attitudes which poison natural desire . . . and then there is nothing to take action on. And where is the Sword of Truth to cut this knot of social inertia? It is to be found in facing the eternal desire for deeply gratifying relationships of all kinds -- but especially for the search for a True Companion. Yes, most of us seek the experience of a primary relationship largely in the company of one very important person. Although this statement often results in mudslinging, I avow that anyone who claims that a lasting intimate relationship does not matter to them is in denial, afraid to to desire what they must have to really thrive. They have lost sight of crucial ideals (the worst possible outcome), they have been disappointed beyond their capacity to recover (I doubt it), they are resting for the next assault on happiness (plausible), or maybe they actually believe that getting to mars is worth more perseverance than achieving the pleasure of deep emotional connection with a peer (wrong again). Single men and women . . . summon the courage to feel your desire and act on it until it is answered. Gather the energy to pursue not just the shell of an ideal image but the living, breathing experience of reliable devotion. Don't spit in your soup with the denial of your hunger.
LOVE: IMPERFECT SOULMATE
Imperfect Soulmate
Imperfection is inevitable.
Same as soulmate. One's soulmate does not have to a perfect person.
My soul is not perfect as well.
When the soulmate person is no longer in your life but in memory, then isn't that one's freedom to create a "perfect soulmate" that you once had?
A person probably only has one soulmate. The one and the only person that will touches your soul in the way no one else can... one's soulmate can have his/ her flaws like anybody else.
Imperfection makes this world beautiful and it makes love beautiful too.
Love is when one accepts and love the other person's imperfection.
What am I talking about? I am not sure.
Missing your soulmate can be an imperfection too? There are a lot of things in life that you can't turn back once you miss it. There are a lot of things in life that you can't get regardless how much you want it.
Leave it imperfect then... so it will be perfect in another way.
What does soul mates mean? Is it true? Do I have a soul mate out there? Have I ever met my soul mate? All those questions are turning up through my mind lately, and no one till now, answered them. I searched over the net, and that's what I got but still it didn't answer my questions?
"The term Soul Mates means many things. These are soul that you have experienced with in past, paralle or future lifetimes. They can also be aspects of your soul experiencing at this time in another body. We are all have multidimensional beings - your soul having experiences, in many realities, at the same time. As we all evolve from the same source of consciousness creation - we could say that we are all souls mates in a manner of speaking.
Soul mates can have various types of relationships, which do not always include romantic love. We tend to think of our soul mate as The One who is there for us and to make us feel complete.
Soul mates can be close friends, co-workers, a teacher, anyone who influences your life one way or another. They play the emotional - spiritual - physical - and mental - games of third dimension with you.
Men often seek the goddess when searching for a mate - one who looks like the priestess - slim body, long flowing hair purity of soul - beauty and gentleness of creation that speaks to their soul of union with the female creational force. It is SHE who brings loves, guidance, compassion and reunion of your twin soul aspects."
What do you think?
Infact most women about picking the right partner, very well written by Vera Ezimora. See below
"I am always looking for a married person who will coach me on how to find, capture and marry my soul mate, but it seems like the more people I talk to, the more confused I become. Some say "love is natural"; there is no need to work for it. Whatever is meant to be will be, but on the other hand, some people say "when you see what (who) you want, go for it (him)." Now, would someone please tell me which one of these theories actually work?"
Amidst all this confusion, some other people have the nerve to tell me that in order to have or find true love, I have to have an open heart; I am not allowed to decide that there is no way anything can happen between me and a certain person. Apparently, I am supposed to give everyone a fair chance. While I am trying to digest this not-so-pleasant piece of information, other people say that I have to be watchful of who I interact with. They say that it is obvious that some people are most definitely not for me. What???
So let me get this straight - I should not work for love because whatever will be will be, and I should also go for what (who) I want when I see it (her), and while I am at that, I should not be judgmental about people, but yet I should know that not everyone is for me. Hmmm, I do not know about you, but from where I'm standing, that is humanly impossible. Am I the only one having this problem? I guess the quest to find my soul mate is a personal race, huh? No rules apply. All that matters is the two people involved: my alleged soul mate and I.
The next phase of this soul mate search is recognizing and observing my "spectrum of possible soul mates." What does this mean? I mean who is my type? I have already broken the rule of giving everyone a fair chance at being my soul mate. I have cut off every woman who is lived farther than meand I have also excluded all woman who were smoker. So who is left?
Wait a minute, that's not all. I have to mention that she has to possess other qualities like loyalty (faithfulness) and honesty. She must also not be a product of "ward robe malfunction" according to my standards.
I would also want to date a woman who is romantic. I am skeptical about using the word "romantic"; I would rather say "thoughtful". I must say that in reality, this is a very important factor to me: security. I need a woman who I can be secure in and who can be secure in me. What does this mean? It means that when I go to bed at night, I do not have to be afraid that when I wake up, she would not love me anymore. It means that when she says she is hanging out with a friend, I do not have to be worried because I am secure in what we have. It means that when we have a fight (which we obviously will), I do not have to be afraid that our relationship is over. I need security.
Ok, on a serious note, how in the world does a guy go about finding her true soul mate? I see couples all the time that look so happy until they open up their mouths, and I am often in disheartening awe. If there is something I know for sure, it is that I truly do want my soul mate. I know we will have problems, and I know there are times when I would want to call it quits, but after all is said and done, I need her to still be my soul mate. In reality, there is a redundant scarcity of soul mates. There are women, but they are either taken or not good enough to be taken, so basically, if she is single, I begin to wonder why, and sure enough, there is something wrong with her. She must be one of the following: immature, a liar, a cheat, a player,or in worst case scenarios, she is even a combination of them all -just a bomb waiting to explode. Or are we males just too picky? Well, can you blame us? The demand for women in the market of marriage is outrageously high, yet the resources remain devastatingly low. While it is unrealistic for me to keep cutting people off my "spectrum of possible soul mates", you must understand and acknowledge that in a sick and twisted way, that really is what we males have to go through. We have our standards and we want to maintain them, but you know what is really ironic? In spite of all our rules and regulations, most of us still end up marrying the "wrongest" person. Why? We are hoping for a change; a change that will not come.Before we know it, we have kids with this woman, and then we begin to feel trapped, but as for me, that juju will not work on me.
What you see is a fine woman who promises to give you the world and beyond; what you see is an honest and mature woman who is secure in you and what you both share. What you get is a woman who cannot control her sexual urges and wants sex on demand; what you get is an insecure woman who panics at the mere mention of another woman's name. What you want is for her to change, and what you do not get is change. Marriage is a difficult investment, so I have to say "more grease to your elbows" to all the married folks out there. Investing in marriage is like buying a computer out of the auction; it is not guaranteed to work, there is no warranty, a return policy is non existent, a refund is most definitely out of the question, you are guaranteed that tons of viruses would be visiting you and crashing your system, the price you pay for it has nothing to do with its quality or the services it would render, hackers would definitely be accessing your computer, no company would want to insure it because they see it as a definite "liability", and it will come with missing parts that cannot be replaced because they are off the market. So you see, if I will go through all these for the sake of marriage, do I not owe it to myself to at least marry my soul mate? Be knowledgeable that marrying my soul mate does not mean that she has all her parts; it just means that hse is functioning without them.
What's a guy like me to do? All I can do is get down on my knees and say to God "this scarcity of soul mates"
Imperfection is inevitable.
Same as soulmate. One's soulmate does not have to a perfect person.
My soul is not perfect as well.
When the soulmate person is no longer in your life but in memory, then isn't that one's freedom to create a "perfect soulmate" that you once had?
A person probably only has one soulmate. The one and the only person that will touches your soul in the way no one else can... one's soulmate can have his/ her flaws like anybody else.
Imperfection makes this world beautiful and it makes love beautiful too.
Love is when one accepts and love the other person's imperfection.
What am I talking about? I am not sure.
Missing your soulmate can be an imperfection too? There are a lot of things in life that you can't turn back once you miss it. There are a lot of things in life that you can't get regardless how much you want it.
Leave it imperfect then... so it will be perfect in another way.
What does soul mates mean? Is it true? Do I have a soul mate out there? Have I ever met my soul mate? All those questions are turning up through my mind lately, and no one till now, answered them. I searched over the net, and that's what I got but still it didn't answer my questions?
"The term Soul Mates means many things. These are soul that you have experienced with in past, paralle or future lifetimes. They can also be aspects of your soul experiencing at this time in another body. We are all have multidimensional beings - your soul having experiences, in many realities, at the same time. As we all evolve from the same source of consciousness creation - we could say that we are all souls mates in a manner of speaking.
Soul mates can have various types of relationships, which do not always include romantic love. We tend to think of our soul mate as The One who is there for us and to make us feel complete.
Soul mates can be close friends, co-workers, a teacher, anyone who influences your life one way or another. They play the emotional - spiritual - physical - and mental - games of third dimension with you.
Men often seek the goddess when searching for a mate - one who looks like the priestess - slim body, long flowing hair purity of soul - beauty and gentleness of creation that speaks to their soul of union with the female creational force. It is SHE who brings loves, guidance, compassion and reunion of your twin soul aspects."
What do you think?
Infact most women about picking the right partner, very well written by Vera Ezimora. See below
"I am always looking for a married person who will coach me on how to find, capture and marry my soul mate, but it seems like the more people I talk to, the more confused I become. Some say "love is natural"; there is no need to work for it. Whatever is meant to be will be, but on the other hand, some people say "when you see what (who) you want, go for it (him)." Now, would someone please tell me which one of these theories actually work?"
Amidst all this confusion, some other people have the nerve to tell me that in order to have or find true love, I have to have an open heart; I am not allowed to decide that there is no way anything can happen between me and a certain person. Apparently, I am supposed to give everyone a fair chance. While I am trying to digest this not-so-pleasant piece of information, other people say that I have to be watchful of who I interact with. They say that it is obvious that some people are most definitely not for me. What???
So let me get this straight - I should not work for love because whatever will be will be, and I should also go for what (who) I want when I see it (her), and while I am at that, I should not be judgmental about people, but yet I should know that not everyone is for me. Hmmm, I do not know about you, but from where I'm standing, that is humanly impossible. Am I the only one having this problem? I guess the quest to find my soul mate is a personal race, huh? No rules apply. All that matters is the two people involved: my alleged soul mate and I.
The next phase of this soul mate search is recognizing and observing my "spectrum of possible soul mates." What does this mean? I mean who is my type? I have already broken the rule of giving everyone a fair chance at being my soul mate. I have cut off every woman who is lived farther than meand I have also excluded all woman who were smoker. So who is left?
Wait a minute, that's not all. I have to mention that she has to possess other qualities like loyalty (faithfulness) and honesty. She must also not be a product of "ward robe malfunction" according to my standards.
I would also want to date a woman who is romantic. I am skeptical about using the word "romantic"; I would rather say "thoughtful". I must say that in reality, this is a very important factor to me: security. I need a woman who I can be secure in and who can be secure in me. What does this mean? It means that when I go to bed at night, I do not have to be afraid that when I wake up, she would not love me anymore. It means that when she says she is hanging out with a friend, I do not have to be worried because I am secure in what we have. It means that when we have a fight (which we obviously will), I do not have to be afraid that our relationship is over. I need security.
Ok, on a serious note, how in the world does a guy go about finding her true soul mate? I see couples all the time that look so happy until they open up their mouths, and I am often in disheartening awe. If there is something I know for sure, it is that I truly do want my soul mate. I know we will have problems, and I know there are times when I would want to call it quits, but after all is said and done, I need her to still be my soul mate. In reality, there is a redundant scarcity of soul mates. There are women, but they are either taken or not good enough to be taken, so basically, if she is single, I begin to wonder why, and sure enough, there is something wrong with her. She must be one of the following: immature, a liar, a cheat, a player,or in worst case scenarios, she is even a combination of them all -just a bomb waiting to explode. Or are we males just too picky? Well, can you blame us? The demand for women in the market of marriage is outrageously high, yet the resources remain devastatingly low. While it is unrealistic for me to keep cutting people off my "spectrum of possible soul mates", you must understand and acknowledge that in a sick and twisted way, that really is what we males have to go through. We have our standards and we want to maintain them, but you know what is really ironic? In spite of all our rules and regulations, most of us still end up marrying the "wrongest" person. Why? We are hoping for a change; a change that will not come.Before we know it, we have kids with this woman, and then we begin to feel trapped, but as for me, that juju will not work on me.
What you see is a fine woman who promises to give you the world and beyond; what you see is an honest and mature woman who is secure in you and what you both share. What you get is a woman who cannot control her sexual urges and wants sex on demand; what you get is an insecure woman who panics at the mere mention of another woman's name. What you want is for her to change, and what you do not get is change. Marriage is a difficult investment, so I have to say "more grease to your elbows" to all the married folks out there. Investing in marriage is like buying a computer out of the auction; it is not guaranteed to work, there is no warranty, a return policy is non existent, a refund is most definitely out of the question, you are guaranteed that tons of viruses would be visiting you and crashing your system, the price you pay for it has nothing to do with its quality or the services it would render, hackers would definitely be accessing your computer, no company would want to insure it because they see it as a definite "liability", and it will come with missing parts that cannot be replaced because they are off the market. So you see, if I will go through all these for the sake of marriage, do I not owe it to myself to at least marry my soul mate? Be knowledgeable that marrying my soul mate does not mean that she has all her parts; it just means that hse is functioning without them.
What's a guy like me to do? All I can do is get down on my knees and say to God "this scarcity of soul mates"
LOVE: WHAT DEFINE CHEATING? AND WHY DO WE CHEAT?
I'm not condoning cheating in a relationship, nor denying that it's wrong to cheat. I'm merely trying to understand what does cheating mean and why do we do it? This post was started by this email I got:
My wife had a hysterectomy about 2 years ago and her sex drive went to basically none. The air is full of sexual tension between us constantly. I have the sex drive of a nympho...there is nothing I would rather be doing. I don't want to leave my wife, but I need a way to get rid of the sexual tension I suffer from. To me, sex with a different species would be acceptable and not cheating since I would be doing it to keep from actually eventually cheating with another
human(not an option for me, where humans are concerned I'm definately monogamous), or getting mad and leaving(I definately love her and don't want this). Help me out here! Give me your input on the subject! Thanks in advance
Relationship experts estimate three out of every four men in a committed relationship cheat, and about one-half of women.(and the number are rising for woman) If these numbers are to be believed, it means that the majority of people in relationships have cheated. A 1994 follow-up to the landmark Kinsey study of the late '40s and early '50s indicates, according to that the incidence of marital infidelity is "pretty close" now to what it was then. That would mean that
between 65 percent of American women and about 75 percent of American men report having been unfaithful to their spouses,
It's been said that the only thing worse than cheating is getting caught cheating. Because unlike anything else, cheating is perhaps the most personally demoralizing thing one person can do to another person. Try as a cheater might, once the other person has the unarguable, undeniable, don't-say-nothing-cause-you're busted goods, there's nothing that can be done to patch things up, make things better, turn back the hands of time. Cheating can't be justified away; it can't be reasoned away; it can't be ignored or forgiven.
Why do we cheat?
Experts say many women cheat because they are looking to reinforce that they are desirable and still attractive. Others do it because their husbands or boyfriends are lousy at making them feel passionate.
Cheating generally means that you are not fully satisfied with your current partner or you feel that something is missing in the relationship. If you were completely in love and happy within your relationship, then why would you jeopardize all that you have for a five-minute fling with the girl next door?
For cheating men, there is usually a sense that something is missing in the relationship or in them. Sometimes it's that they don't feel there is enough passion in the relationship. Other times it's a feeling that his partner is not available to him, or that his partner doesn't take time to listen to him. Then he meets the other woman and she "becomes this person who is sort of like a surrogate wife-therapist, because she listens to all the problems, and why the marriage is so miserable and what happened....but in the end it come down to pussy....sex. A lot of men who are in serious relationships usually end up cheating after a couple of years. Men stuck in long-term relationships feel they are missing out on something. Most of the time, these men cheat because they are frustrated and need to get it out of their systems.Men also like to explore and try new things. The benefit in this case is that once men do cheat, they realize that it is nothing special and probably won't do it again. This prevents them from being unfaithful later on when the stakes are higher (like when they have a family).When people are in a relationship for a long time, they can't help but start taking their significant other for granted. Sometimes they forget just how great the woman they have really is. Men forget how wonderful it feels to have someone who loves them unconditionally. Cheating usually involves lustful feelings of physical attraction; nothing long-term.
I can tell you a story of one of my patient... a couple in their upper 40s in which the woman spent most of her time and energy on the road for her job. The marriage was her second thought. Her husband came into play only after she had taken care of all of her job interests. Her husband was as loyal as he could be, but felt he was second place in the marriage, like he was an afterthought more or less. She felt that as long as she kept the house clean and neat and did the meals when she was there, and showed up for all of the more important family affairs, she was doing her job. He didn't feel that way. He felt neglected, unattended to, unloved. So he ultimately had an affair. I can related to my patient and I will explain later When men cheat, it basically means that they are looking for something their girlfriend or wife is not providing. Often times, it comes down to sex. It has nothing to do with commuication. The only time I serious thought about cheating was the last few weeks with my ex Melissa. Our sex life was down...she was so busy with school, her bussiness and other commitment she had. I told her I need more...and she turn around and told me "Why are you so selfish?"....and there nothing I can take off my plate right now. After attempting the same topic over and over and realizing your need are not being listening too...you think about cheating. I want to say here....I DIDN'T CHEAT...I SERIOUS THOUGHT ABOUT...BUT DIDN'T CHEAT. But that experience alone gave me more insight and understanding to why a man would do it.
The result is that once men are unfaithful, they will lie in bed and think relentlessly about their unsuspecting partner. Why? Because the lust factor has worn away and the reality didn't measure up to the fantasy. Instead, they remember the good reality; the woman who loves them, bakes them cookies and makes love to them. The old saying "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" says it all.
We all enter into relationships with varied expectations and project different levels of commitment to our significant others. For example, some couples make the decision, mutually, to become exclusive. Some relationships, however, are simply mutually exclusive. The larger question may be: In a world of break-ups, make-ups and random hook-ups, what even counts as cheating these days?
Cheating has always been a part of the dating scene. It's practically biblical- after all, the prophet Abraham had dozens of wives. Cheating is a notion that U.S. presidents have embraced, songwriters have put to music and the Academy has given Oscars to for best actor in their various philandering roles. However, though cheating may be biblical, presidential and even cinematic, it's usually not quite forgivable.
The funny thing about cheating is that, in the real world, cheating and stealing are criminal offenses. When we cheat on a test, we fail the class, or at least are guaranteed a date with Bill Kirk. When we steal from a store, we suffer the consequences, Winona Ryder. However,when someone steals our hearts and then cheats on us, it is the cheated that often suffers the consequences. The cheater may be left feeling guilty, but the cheated is left hurt, confused and angry.
Let's be honest. Cheating on someone isn't painful. Being cheated on is. Flirting isn't cheating. Looking isn't cheating. Admiring isn't cheating. However, when the ante is upped and we begin to play for keeps in a relationship, the misdemeanors can add up.
But imagine a continuum made up of all of the ways in which men and women interact. At one end of this imaginary line, place the innocent, friendly behaviors -- saying hello to a co-worker, holding open a door, smiling at a stranger on the street -- that make up the substance of everyday life. At the other end, place the intense, intimate emotional, physical and sexual behaviors that occur between a husband and a wife.
Is......
Sex?
Lies?
Dating?
A one night stand?
Are you cheating or unfaithful if you clandestinely go out for a drink with someone or is it only cheating if that meeting results in sex? Identify the exact point on the continuum where marital infidelity begins. The point where a man gives a woman who's not his wife a peck on the cheek? The point where a man and a woman become best friends and begin to share each other's secrets? The point where sexual activity, however the man and the woman define it, actually occurs? Infidelity. It's a simple concept packed with hundreds of definitions that vary and evolve from person to person, couple to couple, even within a single couple's relationship over time
What are the boundaries of cheating/ unfaithfullness?
You would think everyone would agree on what is cheating in a relationship; but they don't. I think that most people will agree that having sex with someone other than your primary partner is cheating. But there is a couple of questions about that statement. What is sex? And is it cheating if you are in an open relationship (open marriage)? Well, let's narrow the definition a bit. Cheating is having unauthorized (by your partner) intercourse with someone other than
your primary partner. Now I don't think this definition is inclusive enough as there are other acts that to me are cheating. What if we replace intercourse with genitalia contact? Even this may not be inclusive enough. How about having an Internet affair. Polls, that I have read, indicate that just a little bit more than half, men or women, indicate that an Internet affair is cheating. So it would seem that there are a lot of men and women that think its ok to have an Internet affair. How about passionate kissing? Here again I bet there is no agreement if this is cheating or not. I think that most people would agree that masturbating is not cheating. How about reading or watching porn? How about going to a strip club? Some would say yes some would say no. I would say it depends on the expectations of the people in the relationship if an action is cheating or not.
I have no problem seeing my partner flirt a guy in a packed club with me watching from the gallery if i know that while she's doing it, she's still thinking of - me. Indeed, i have even encouraged such behaviour and not only that it was fun, it brought us closer. It all boils down to how secure you are - of yourself, the other half and the relationship as a whole.
To me, cheating is to do with lying and deceiving. If my partner knows what I'm doing, and is happy with it, then it's not cheating. Cheating is very simple to determine. If you wouldn't do it in front of your significant other, then it is cheating. Well sure that is all okay as long as you are open about it and do not lie or cover up those.
Most people, I think, still believe in monogamy and the worst thing about infidelity is the breaking of trust and the breaking of that agreement (to be monogamous).I think monogamy is the ideal that we all want to have. We all want to have that storybook, happily-ever-after, adoring faith in each other. As part of that expectation of monogamy,most couples do agree on strict sexual exclusivity, although it's interesting how people will couch what they're doing in special kinds of language to get around, maybe, being totally honest.
The hypothetical line that, when crossed, equals infidelity moves when it's you and you're trying to rationalize your own behavior, and it's quite hard and fast when it's your own spouse, and, I think there is no standard that everybody comes to in agreeing that when you do X, that's infidelity.When allegations that President Clinton had a relationship with Monica Lewinsky were first reported, commentators and political analysts parsed his public denials in a way that'd make a third-grade grammar teacher proud.
What, exactly, did Clinton mean when he said he had no relationship with Lewinsky? How does he define "relationship"? Does he, maybe, consider some physical activities cheating, and others not? Women generally have a much greater problem with emotional intimacy than physical intimacy between a spouse and somebody else. In other words, if my husband is emotionally into it with another woman, most woman are much more upset than would be if he had a one-night stand on a business trip.
A man is much more territorial about a woman's body, and a man's definition of cheating would be more apt to require physical activity than a woman's. Most men consider acts short of intercourse -- oral sex, for example -- as not technically cheating,It seems like, if there's intercourse involved, for a man, that is real sex. That is having sex with somebody.Have you noticed, with the celebrity-type guys who get caught with hookers, that's usually what's
involved? It's, like, `Oh, I didn't have to do anything. I'm not involved.
The definition of infidelity can be muddled further by couples who agree to define infidelity in their own way, permitting activities in their marriage that others would consider out of bounds.
I think there are two types of cheating, physical cheating and emotional cheating. Physical cheating is something I had heard of and seen before. It is easy to define since there is an obvious physical action related to this kind of cheating. The bottom-line is that emotional cheating is difficult to define since the actions are not as blatantly obvious as with physical cheating. What one couple considers emotional cheating could not even been considered in another couple relationship.
Somewhere along the line we've convinced ourselves that relationships re easy, that we do what we please and things will always work out, there's a reason that this country seems obsessed with divorcing tself. The National Center for Health Statistics offers the conservative estimate that 63% of American marriages end in divorce (2002). You are twice as likely to get divorced if you live in the United States than if you live in the United Kingdom, France, Germany,
Sweden, Australia, Austria, Belgium, and Holland (also from the NCHS). Italy has the lowest divorce rate with 10 divorces per 100 marriages in the year 2000, to the United States' 64.8. Are Americans naturally more deceptive in their relationships than Europeans? What does Italy do that we don't? These are questions that aren't going be answered here, and certainly not soon. But these numbers should be reason enough to give us pause, and examine how we treat our partners.
We're not animals, and we've come along way from hitting the girl on the head with a club and dragging her off to spread our seed and procreate. We've come out of the cave, we've looked over the hill, seen fire, and crossed an ocean. We've cured diseases, split the atom, stood on the moon and seen the face of god. The history of man is a history of progress. We've decided as a culture and a society that a mate is more than a mate, and instead a partner and someone we can count on for better or for worse. Yes, it's difficult, but it's well worth the fight.
My wife had a hysterectomy about 2 years ago and her sex drive went to basically none. The air is full of sexual tension between us constantly. I have the sex drive of a nympho...there is nothing I would rather be doing. I don't want to leave my wife, but I need a way to get rid of the sexual tension I suffer from. To me, sex with a different species would be acceptable and not cheating since I would be doing it to keep from actually eventually cheating with another
human(not an option for me, where humans are concerned I'm definately monogamous), or getting mad and leaving(I definately love her and don't want this). Help me out here! Give me your input on the subject! Thanks in advance
Relationship experts estimate three out of every four men in a committed relationship cheat, and about one-half of women.(and the number are rising for woman) If these numbers are to be believed, it means that the majority of people in relationships have cheated. A 1994 follow-up to the landmark Kinsey study of the late '40s and early '50s indicates, according to that the incidence of marital infidelity is "pretty close" now to what it was then. That would mean that
between 65 percent of American women and about 75 percent of American men report having been unfaithful to their spouses,
It's been said that the only thing worse than cheating is getting caught cheating. Because unlike anything else, cheating is perhaps the most personally demoralizing thing one person can do to another person. Try as a cheater might, once the other person has the unarguable, undeniable, don't-say-nothing-cause-you're busted goods, there's nothing that can be done to patch things up, make things better, turn back the hands of time. Cheating can't be justified away; it can't be reasoned away; it can't be ignored or forgiven.
Why do we cheat?
Experts say many women cheat because they are looking to reinforce that they are desirable and still attractive. Others do it because their husbands or boyfriends are lousy at making them feel passionate.
Cheating generally means that you are not fully satisfied with your current partner or you feel that something is missing in the relationship. If you were completely in love and happy within your relationship, then why would you jeopardize all that you have for a five-minute fling with the girl next door?
For cheating men, there is usually a sense that something is missing in the relationship or in them. Sometimes it's that they don't feel there is enough passion in the relationship. Other times it's a feeling that his partner is not available to him, or that his partner doesn't take time to listen to him. Then he meets the other woman and she "becomes this person who is sort of like a surrogate wife-therapist, because she listens to all the problems, and why the marriage is so miserable and what happened....but in the end it come down to pussy....sex. A lot of men who are in serious relationships usually end up cheating after a couple of years. Men stuck in long-term relationships feel they are missing out on something. Most of the time, these men cheat because they are frustrated and need to get it out of their systems.Men also like to explore and try new things. The benefit in this case is that once men do cheat, they realize that it is nothing special and probably won't do it again. This prevents them from being unfaithful later on when the stakes are higher (like when they have a family).When people are in a relationship for a long time, they can't help but start taking their significant other for granted. Sometimes they forget just how great the woman they have really is. Men forget how wonderful it feels to have someone who loves them unconditionally. Cheating usually involves lustful feelings of physical attraction; nothing long-term.
I can tell you a story of one of my patient... a couple in their upper 40s in which the woman spent most of her time and energy on the road for her job. The marriage was her second thought. Her husband came into play only after she had taken care of all of her job interests. Her husband was as loyal as he could be, but felt he was second place in the marriage, like he was an afterthought more or less. She felt that as long as she kept the house clean and neat and did the meals when she was there, and showed up for all of the more important family affairs, she was doing her job. He didn't feel that way. He felt neglected, unattended to, unloved. So he ultimately had an affair. I can related to my patient and I will explain later When men cheat, it basically means that they are looking for something their girlfriend or wife is not providing. Often times, it comes down to sex. It has nothing to do with commuication. The only time I serious thought about cheating was the last few weeks with my ex Melissa. Our sex life was down...she was so busy with school, her bussiness and other commitment she had. I told her I need more...and she turn around and told me "Why are you so selfish?"....and there nothing I can take off my plate right now. After attempting the same topic over and over and realizing your need are not being listening too...you think about cheating. I want to say here....I DIDN'T CHEAT...I SERIOUS THOUGHT ABOUT...BUT DIDN'T CHEAT. But that experience alone gave me more insight and understanding to why a man would do it.
The result is that once men are unfaithful, they will lie in bed and think relentlessly about their unsuspecting partner. Why? Because the lust factor has worn away and the reality didn't measure up to the fantasy. Instead, they remember the good reality; the woman who loves them, bakes them cookies and makes love to them. The old saying "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" says it all.
We all enter into relationships with varied expectations and project different levels of commitment to our significant others. For example, some couples make the decision, mutually, to become exclusive. Some relationships, however, are simply mutually exclusive. The larger question may be: In a world of break-ups, make-ups and random hook-ups, what even counts as cheating these days?
Cheating has always been a part of the dating scene. It's practically biblical- after all, the prophet Abraham had dozens of wives. Cheating is a notion that U.S. presidents have embraced, songwriters have put to music and the Academy has given Oscars to for best actor in their various philandering roles. However, though cheating may be biblical, presidential and even cinematic, it's usually not quite forgivable.
The funny thing about cheating is that, in the real world, cheating and stealing are criminal offenses. When we cheat on a test, we fail the class, or at least are guaranteed a date with Bill Kirk. When we steal from a store, we suffer the consequences, Winona Ryder. However,when someone steals our hearts and then cheats on us, it is the cheated that often suffers the consequences. The cheater may be left feeling guilty, but the cheated is left hurt, confused and angry.
Let's be honest. Cheating on someone isn't painful. Being cheated on is. Flirting isn't cheating. Looking isn't cheating. Admiring isn't cheating. However, when the ante is upped and we begin to play for keeps in a relationship, the misdemeanors can add up.
But imagine a continuum made up of all of the ways in which men and women interact. At one end of this imaginary line, place the innocent, friendly behaviors -- saying hello to a co-worker, holding open a door, smiling at a stranger on the street -- that make up the substance of everyday life. At the other end, place the intense, intimate emotional, physical and sexual behaviors that occur between a husband and a wife.
Is......
Sex?
Lies?
Dating?
A one night stand?
Are you cheating or unfaithful if you clandestinely go out for a drink with someone or is it only cheating if that meeting results in sex? Identify the exact point on the continuum where marital infidelity begins. The point where a man gives a woman who's not his wife a peck on the cheek? The point where a man and a woman become best friends and begin to share each other's secrets? The point where sexual activity, however the man and the woman define it, actually occurs? Infidelity. It's a simple concept packed with hundreds of definitions that vary and evolve from person to person, couple to couple, even within a single couple's relationship over time
What are the boundaries of cheating/ unfaithfullness?
You would think everyone would agree on what is cheating in a relationship; but they don't. I think that most people will agree that having sex with someone other than your primary partner is cheating. But there is a couple of questions about that statement. What is sex? And is it cheating if you are in an open relationship (open marriage)? Well, let's narrow the definition a bit. Cheating is having unauthorized (by your partner) intercourse with someone other than
your primary partner. Now I don't think this definition is inclusive enough as there are other acts that to me are cheating. What if we replace intercourse with genitalia contact? Even this may not be inclusive enough. How about having an Internet affair. Polls, that I have read, indicate that just a little bit more than half, men or women, indicate that an Internet affair is cheating. So it would seem that there are a lot of men and women that think its ok to have an Internet affair. How about passionate kissing? Here again I bet there is no agreement if this is cheating or not. I think that most people would agree that masturbating is not cheating. How about reading or watching porn? How about going to a strip club? Some would say yes some would say no. I would say it depends on the expectations of the people in the relationship if an action is cheating or not.
I have no problem seeing my partner flirt a guy in a packed club with me watching from the gallery if i know that while she's doing it, she's still thinking of - me. Indeed, i have even encouraged such behaviour and not only that it was fun, it brought us closer. It all boils down to how secure you are - of yourself, the other half and the relationship as a whole.
To me, cheating is to do with lying and deceiving. If my partner knows what I'm doing, and is happy with it, then it's not cheating. Cheating is very simple to determine. If you wouldn't do it in front of your significant other, then it is cheating. Well sure that is all okay as long as you are open about it and do not lie or cover up those.
Most people, I think, still believe in monogamy and the worst thing about infidelity is the breaking of trust and the breaking of that agreement (to be monogamous).I think monogamy is the ideal that we all want to have. We all want to have that storybook, happily-ever-after, adoring faith in each other. As part of that expectation of monogamy,most couples do agree on strict sexual exclusivity, although it's interesting how people will couch what they're doing in special kinds of language to get around, maybe, being totally honest.
The hypothetical line that, when crossed, equals infidelity moves when it's you and you're trying to rationalize your own behavior, and it's quite hard and fast when it's your own spouse, and, I think there is no standard that everybody comes to in agreeing that when you do X, that's infidelity.When allegations that President Clinton had a relationship with Monica Lewinsky were first reported, commentators and political analysts parsed his public denials in a way that'd make a third-grade grammar teacher proud.
What, exactly, did Clinton mean when he said he had no relationship with Lewinsky? How does he define "relationship"? Does he, maybe, consider some physical activities cheating, and others not? Women generally have a much greater problem with emotional intimacy than physical intimacy between a spouse and somebody else. In other words, if my husband is emotionally into it with another woman, most woman are much more upset than would be if he had a one-night stand on a business trip.
A man is much more territorial about a woman's body, and a man's definition of cheating would be more apt to require physical activity than a woman's. Most men consider acts short of intercourse -- oral sex, for example -- as not technically cheating,It seems like, if there's intercourse involved, for a man, that is real sex. That is having sex with somebody.Have you noticed, with the celebrity-type guys who get caught with hookers, that's usually what's
involved? It's, like, `Oh, I didn't have to do anything. I'm not involved.
The definition of infidelity can be muddled further by couples who agree to define infidelity in their own way, permitting activities in their marriage that others would consider out of bounds.
I think there are two types of cheating, physical cheating and emotional cheating. Physical cheating is something I had heard of and seen before. It is easy to define since there is an obvious physical action related to this kind of cheating. The bottom-line is that emotional cheating is difficult to define since the actions are not as blatantly obvious as with physical cheating. What one couple considers emotional cheating could not even been considered in another couple relationship.
Somewhere along the line we've convinced ourselves that relationships re easy, that we do what we please and things will always work out, there's a reason that this country seems obsessed with divorcing tself. The National Center for Health Statistics offers the conservative estimate that 63% of American marriages end in divorce (2002). You are twice as likely to get divorced if you live in the United States than if you live in the United Kingdom, France, Germany,
Sweden, Australia, Austria, Belgium, and Holland (also from the NCHS). Italy has the lowest divorce rate with 10 divorces per 100 marriages in the year 2000, to the United States' 64.8. Are Americans naturally more deceptive in their relationships than Europeans? What does Italy do that we don't? These are questions that aren't going be answered here, and certainly not soon. But these numbers should be reason enough to give us pause, and examine how we treat our partners.
We're not animals, and we've come along way from hitting the girl on the head with a club and dragging her off to spread our seed and procreate. We've come out of the cave, we've looked over the hill, seen fire, and crossed an ocean. We've cured diseases, split the atom, stood on the moon and seen the face of god. The history of man is a history of progress. We've decided as a culture and a society that a mate is more than a mate, and instead a partner and someone we can count on for better or for worse. Yes, it's difficult, but it's well worth the fight.
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