I had a friend once joke with me that "men mostly want sex, woman want the right to be hypocritical, yet call men on their inconsistencies." Yikes. No wonder men and women have struggles getting along!
One reason why understanding women isn't such an easy thing is because the ways women process thoughts and emotions are drastically different than their male counterparts' ways of processing.
Studies indicate women use emotion to process thought as their basis for decision making 30% more than men do.* As such, women are also known for being more intuitive than men. This is not exactly true, as men use intuition in different ways, and have different ways of communicating. Nevertheless, men tend to bond through shared activities, whereas women bond through sharing thoughts and feelings.
I've noticed that a woman will want to tell every little nuance of a story, where their male counterpart might be feeling like, "ok, what's the point?" A man typically seeks a solution to the problem, as if the story was a problem. Or, he's looking for a way to suggest something to help his woman improve, which is based upon competitive thinking (how men relate in conversation is much more competitive). In fact, a woman often is just relating this story to SHARE with him; there isn't anything competitive about it.
So what do women really want in a man? You want my take at it, here you go.
The top 6 things women want FROM MEN, in order, are:
1. Confidence (or Power)
2. Sense of humor (Fun)
3. Money or the things money can buy (Security)
4. Looks (Protection and Attraction)
5. A little bit of "Bad boy" qualities (Mysterious and Independent/Strong)
6. All the other stuff they typically list (varies - sensitive, caring, etc.)
1. Women want a man to be confident! Confidence is the number one quality women look for. Don't be wimpy. Don't apologize for everything. Be real. Be you.
2. Women go nuts over a man who will go the extra mile. For example, he opens the door for her, he walks on the right side of the street, he helps her shop. I'm talking about being a GENTLEMAN! If she is cold, offer her your jacket. If she is in trouble, protect her. If there is danger, put your arm around her. Be a real man.
3. A sense of humor. Women love a man who can make her laugh. If you are dull, you are boring. If you make a woman laugh, you're halfway home. Take a chance, be real, but be funny.
4. Women want a man to listen to them (yes, even to the gripes and details of all the craziness) and not necessarily give advice. Many women love to complain about their problems; however, they complain not to receive advice, but merely to sound off. I know it's hard to nod and be supportive, because you want to watch ESPN or do something that to you may seem more exciting, but the fact is, your woman will go to the ends of the earth to love you when you truly listen to them and acknowledge their needs. You need to understand that women need to VENT. Allow her this, and she'll allow you in. Nod. Get involved and provide active listening feedback. Be truly interested in what she is saying without worrying about what you're going to say next. Then, watch what happens as your woman opens up to you more.
Women want men to listen to them, because they have a need to be heard. And, women want their man to express his feelings and trust her with his intimate side. Real listening, with real intimacy, is rare. Real listening is suspending thinking about what to say and being deeply engaged in what she is talking about. Listening requires actively paying attention -- shutting off the chatter mind.
5. Women want to be treated like they are the sexiest woman on the planet and that no other woman compares. Talking about your ex-girlfriends is not going to score big points with your new woman. Treating her like she's the ONLY one will make her smile for quite a while.
6. Women want to know you will be faithful. Don't tell a woman how you cheated on your ex. It won't make her think you are wise, loyal, or trustworthy. I'm not saying to lie to her -- just don't go there. Don't cheat on your woman. She will not think you are a better man for doing this. Just like you want think you are the only man she's ever loved, well, that's the thing she wants, too. The key to faithfulness comes from your own inner character. Be a man of character and you will reap a relationship built upon trust. You gain respect through consistent committed action. Respect backed up by love builds trust, trust builds a strong relationship that can stand the tests of life and time.
7. Women SAY they want a sensitive man. Truth is, if you go around apologizing all the time and crying frequently then a woman will abuse you. Trust me, it is NOT wise to do. This was well exemplified during the beach scene in the movie Bedazzled, where the main character in the film was trying to woo his love interest, his advice had been to "be more sensitive." Well, he went so overboard, was so sensitive, that his love interest ended up walking away with another dude with the assumption that they'd have meaningless conversation and casual sex! Boy was HE surprised! Being overly sensitive is a quick way to get shown the door. It is important to strike a balance. Be strong, be there, yet share your emotions. Speak up and be real. Let them know you care. But don't be a sissy.
Women say they want to be treated like an equal. This is not true. Women want to be treated like a WOMAN. Not like a man. If she wanted to be with a woman, she'd do that. She wants to be with YOU. Therefore, be a MAN. This is not to be confused with being treated like a piece of property, not to be confused with being treated with disrespect. Women want to be respected! A woman wants to be respected for being feminine, being a woman. Women are quite different from men. A man who takes the time to understand the difference is a wise man. Bottom line here: NO MORE Mr. NICE GUY. Be a REAL MAN, not a sensitive NICE GUY. Because the nice guys usually do finish last.
You still don't get it? Ok, then try this: be your own bad self. I will say that some women are attracted to "Bad Boys". I think there is a certain ruggedness to the bad boy - they break rules, they sometimes behave rudely. But the true gentleman always remembers what matters most. Have an air of mystique, but definitely be you. If, on occasion, that means doing what you want, rather than what she wants, then do it. Just don't make a continual habit of it - that's rude.
8. Women LOVE a man with a plan. Women love men with ambition. Men who know who they are, what we're doing tonight, and what we're doing with our life. If you don't have a plan, get one. I have a plan (a) and plan (b) ready at all times, so that no matter what, it will appear I'm fairly spontaneous, but reality is I usually know where, when, and how the evening or date could go. In dating, it is extremely important that you have a plan when you ask a woman out. They will judge your sense of confidence by how well you have thought out where you will take her and what you will do together. So, think ahead, have a plan, then work that plan. While you're at it make sure you have an alternative plan, too, in case she doesn't like the first one!
It is equally important for a man to know when to call a woman's bluff and let her know when she is pushing his limits. A man who just falls over and laps at his woman's feet is a man who is called "whipped" for a reason. An example is as follows: she asks, "what do you want to do tonight," he says, "whatever you want to do." If this is his consistent pattern, he's whipped. She won't respect him in the end.
9. Give the woman in your life gifts. Like the Chairman of the Board, Ol' Blue Eyes, Frank Sinatra, used to say, "you gotta gift 'em." Well, I figure good enough for Frank, good enough for me. After all, Frank was a MASTER SWOONER. Guys, get this: Frank Sinatra went to Hollywood with a plan to take a lengthy list of top actresses in his movie studio to bed at some point during his career. As the story goes, he pretty much succeeded. Some women will frown when they read this - but guys, I know what you're thinking: "who did Frank get together with?" Well, how about Gina Lollobrigida and Ava Gardner, for starters (I believe it was Angie Dickinson who claimed to abstain). That's like saying Jennifer Lopez, Halle Berry, and Charlize Theron to today's younger actor. So, maybe giving a gift once in a while isn't such a bad idea. Just don't go broke trying to impress her! After all, Frank Sinatra also had a stellar voice, plenty of swagger, and loads of star power to go with his ability to buy a gift or two. Nevertheless, small gifts, especially gifts that show you were listening when she mentioned her favorite candy bar, or when she stopped at that jewelry counter to admire those earrings (but put them back without buying them), or how she commented on how she'd just love that dress in the window of that snazzy clothing store. Well, use your own imagination. But if you don't gift the woman in your life you'll probably be referred to by the woman you love as "cheapskate".
Now, "why," you ask, "do women care about gifts?" Good question. The answer is that one way women relate is through giving gifts - especially when you've paid attention to what they want. Women will gift exchange compliments with each other, too. So just trust me and surprise her with a gift every now and then and see if she doesn't respond favorably.
10. Be a true friend. Let her share her good times and problems with you. Be there, rather than just promising to be there. Consistent committed positive action is a definition of love. How do you show you are a friend? Are you there when it matters most? Are you there for the small stuff, too?
11. Women want to be loved, despite their flaws, and need to be satisfied mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as much as physically. Unconditional love would be ideal love. How can you love a woman without judgment, conditions, or rules? How would you like to be loved?
Sexually speaking, women define great sex differently than men, using words like soft candlelight, light touch, then becoming more aggressive as their mood rises to the occasion. A man, on the other hand, instantly rises to the occasion. Women want men to be their lover instead of obsessing over their body to just get sex. Rather than treat women as sex objects, treat them as someone to relate with; in other words, a real person! That means taking your time, showing extra attention, and being tender in ways with her to let her know she is special.
12. Women appreciate a man who is creative. Roses are nice. But sometimes it is extra special to think of something that most guys wouldn't do for a woman. It could be something frivolous, but if it is something that you think SHE would like, then why not do it? You might have just made her day.
13. Women want a sense of security, to know that her partner will be there if she becomes sick or when she grows old or flabby. Giving a woman security is being there through emotional and physical support. An example might be if she has to have surgery. Take the day off and be there for her, hold her hand, and give your full support to her. In other words, postpone that "tee time"! Security comes from trust. Again, this is about being able to rely in your strength of character.
Knowing these 13 traits, how can men better relate to women?
First, men need to develop ways of listening more akin to how women listen to each other. Women nod and say "aha, wow, yes, uh-huh" much more than men do. Men listen more quietly when they speak, and consider such mannerisms as an interruption. Men may improve their chances if they are interactive in conversation. Relate to them. Carry on the story with the extra question.
If you are going to compliment a woman, pay attention to how women compliment each other. Good examples include: new hairstyles, jewelry, sense of style, great laugh. Poor examples would be her boobs, butt, or other body parts. Again, that makes her feel like a sex object or piece of meat. Relate and get the story behind that bracelet she's wearing. Use "props" properly and you'll get positive proposition results!
One challenge men have is the tendency to see a woman as his personal sex toy. This is a real problem between men and women. He really needs to put aside the sex issue and consider the deeper issues: how does he feel with her? Does she make him laugh? Do they share common dreams and goals? (See "Is he/she the one?" for more information about this subject). When a man stops worrying about when or how he will get a woman in bed, the odds for a successful relationship improve dramatically.
Men need to appreciate a women for the effort she goes through to be beautiful for him. A woman does not have to be a size 6 or have perfectly toned muscles or large breasts to be a beautiful woman. It is important for women to love their body (flaws and all), as this attitude creates confidence in herself -- which is practically an aphrodisiac to a man. Appreciating what women go through is a way to develop gratitude. An "attitude of gratitude" goes a long way to improving a relationship. He can compliment her and let her know she is beautiful to him and that she is "perfect" to him.
Last, men need to share in the responsibility of building a good relationship. Helping make each day fun; living on purpose with aspirations, sharing the good times, and taking on the crazy challenges life can present, is what makes relationships worthwhile.
MY FAN POINT OF VIEW:
Top 10 List of What She Wants (and Doesn't Want) from a MAN!* In no particular order BTW!
1) In agreement with the article; CONFIDENCE! By damn I cant stress that enough! Nothing is more of a turn off to me than some wimpy ass mother fuqer with a limp grip handshake and a nasaly, whiny, femmy voice(gays/queens not included for the purpose herewith). Please note that confidence does not equate with arrogance nor male chauvenism, not in the least. By confidence I mean that a guy will not be threatened by the fact that I am more comfortable with power tools in my hand than a skillet. He wont freak out if I climb a tree or that I own guns, his masculinity will not feel trounced upon because I drive a big truck, like to fish and hunt and I dont need him to put the worm on the hook. Hopefully, because of the enjoyable years/experiences that I have had in the fighting arts, he wont feel threatened that I might just be able to kick his arse (not that Id want to if he treated me right).
I hope he has confidence in himself too. It turns me on to see a guy doing something, working at it, enjoying the process, being proud of the results and sharing the experience with me.
2) HEALTH! Nothing bugs me more than a guy that doesnt take care of himself, mentally as well as physically. I've spent way too many years enduring/conquering my own self abuse as well as having given others permission to abuse me because of my own stupidity. Ive grown alot as a person since then. I dont need to be around "toxic" people which includes guys I might ever be interested in. Im not talking about guys that have to have a certain body type or have to look a certain way. No, I mean a guy that will take care of his inside as well as his outside. To me, health equates with beauty/handsomeness.
Alcoholics/drug addicts need not apply, seriously. If you cant put the shit down long enough to have a life then you dont have time for me either and I will never, ever take second place to chemical dependancy again. I drink on occasion myself, Ive even tied on a good drunk too. However, since I usually go months and sometimes years without drinking (because I happen to have a life worth living), I dont need the BS. Football/hockey games on the tube and darts at the bar dont count, as long as they dont take up a 7 day a week schedule.
There are some really plain looking guys out there that Im absolutely turned on by because they make their health a priority. That special "aura" or whatever you want to call it that shines about them sure didnt come from botox or drinking alcohol all night. Patrick Swayze used to look super hot to me until he got that facelift or whatever the hell frankenstien job that was. Age can do amazing things to a guy. Look at Sam Elliot! Id do him in a heartbeat! Of course, there are always guys like Adam Beach and Michael GreyEyes (and damn near any other adult Indian male that was in "Dreamkeepers", by damn there were tons!) that make me feel all warm and snuggly inside along with a few other things I wont mention.
You cant take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself first!
3) Employment or Lack There Of! I really dont care if a guy is employed as long as he is doing something constructive with his time. If he wants us to adopt kids (since I cant have any more) and he stays home to take care of them thats okay by me. If he wants to spend his time volunteering, thats okay too. I dont care. I also dont care if hes a white collar power broker or an encyclopedia salesman, as long as he is comfortable in what he is doing, hes happy doing it and its of benefit, terrific! Ill bring it home. Now, if he wants to sit on his ass playing games all day and not do anything around the house, he wont be doing it in mine (unless hes actually creating the games).
4) "Bad Boy" Balanced with Sensitive! Oh yeah, I like bad boys to an extent. That mischevous gaze, that taunting attitude teasing me all day about what hes going to do to me that night. Oh yeah! I can feel the heat comin on! I think y'all know what I mean. I want a guy with some dare in him but not so much that he takes stupid risks. At the same time, I dont want a guy thats going to call me a pussy because I cried about something I found sensitive. You wanna race cars? Ill be right there with you! You wanna race cars down a public street? Lemme put you out of someone elses misery right now.
5) BRAINS! Nothing is more stimulating to me than a guy that can hold an intelligent conversation without repeating himself 8 million times or saying "UH" all night. I love educated guys but they dont neccessarily have to be college educated. There is alot of education just in life itself and if you are keeping up in life you score major points with me. Ive met alot of guys who flunked out in high school yet Id bet they could hold a damned good debate with those that have been and even beat em at it. On the other hand, guys that are so damned educated that they run you over with their knowledge and look upon you like your lower class can hit the bricks.
6) Balanced Power and Security! I love a guy that is comfortable with balancing power. Hey, not everyone is good at everything and if a guy cant do something that I can, I hope hes secure enough to ask me to do it. I also hope hes secure enough to understand that most all the things I enjoy doing involve being around guys. Im sorry but if Im going on a hunting trip where Im gone for a few days you must understand that hunting alone is dangerous and there arent alot of gals doing it. I also love, I mean LOVE dancing, which requires a partner aka guy. Also, in the course of my career it has been almost a requirement that I am dominant at work. I hope that the guy will understand this and realize that when I come home I want to unwind and kick that attitude to the curb. I hope he can work around my "foibles" and take the reins too. I dont want to dominate him, but I certainly wouldnt mind being dominated later. ;)
7) SEX! Sex is VERY important to me! I cant think of a more pleasurable way to spend time with a guy. I also believe in equal giving, the guy making the first move (most of the time, I dont know why but Im horrible at making the first move) and sometimes him even blurting it out that he wants some. Im not afraid. To me, if you are "serious" with someone this is the ultimate way of letting them know, without words, that they mean the world to me. If Im not serious with someone, believe me Ill still be grateful, then Im leaving.
I enjoy immensely a guy thats a great kisser as well as someone who will go "down under" if ya know what I mean. Im open to alot of things except pain. Id like a guy that wouldnt mind that all the candles are lit and the tub is ready. Sorry hunny but I just cant do it in the bedroom all the time. I also like a guy that'll wake me in the middle of the night for some action as well as tearing me up and knocking the fear out of me when a lightening storm is in full swing.
8) The Little Things! I like a guy that knows that the little things are important, even for himself. I can give as well as receive and sometimes just the mention of something will compel me to get it for you if I like you enough. Id like the same in return sometimes. Please understand that I cannot be bought. I understand that he cannot make all my dreams come true, but being by my side and helping me get there is gift enough. The little things arent neccessarily material either. Sometimes its as simple as a few well thought out words. As a former dancer, I love to dance! However, if he did dance with me once in awhile, that would be such a nice gesture that would mean the world to me!
These last two just might be the most important of all to me.......
9) Understanding, Respect and Honesty! These are together because I wont seperate them, they go together. The guy MUST understand that I have lived life in the nicest parts of hell and I can just as easily take them there as it is for me to get there on my own. I do NOT understand the concept of love. For what I have seen in it, it starts out great only to become an open invitation to rip me to shreds. Ive been told and experienced that people hurt the ones closest to them. So if a guy thinks I am standoffish, even though I may say differently, this may be why. Its protection for both of us. Im very much a realist in this department. Maybe there is a guy out there strong enough to handle this. Its not that I dont care, I do. I may care too much. But for me to vocalize love and it be sincere, I dont know that I can do that. Its a word that has been used much too often IMHO and meant nothing. The lips are saying it but the actions prove otherwise.
The guy must understand that I am ADD (Attention Defecit Disorder) and that I am not st00pid although Ill joke around and say that I am. There are times that no matter how many times and how many different ways something is explained, Im just not going to get it. I may later, but in frustration I may not in the moment and even days later. Sometimes I never will. Its a struggle for me, be man enough to not put me down for it and give me that hug I really need.
The guy must also understand that there are things I do in my life that I just will not change. He must also understand that if I am "with" him, its because I want to be, not because I have to be. I want him for him and I hope he does the same for me. I dont get with someone so I can change them but I certainly understand that change is a natural occurence and that the "honeymoon" period wont last forever.
I will never, ever tolerate disrespect! Not towards myself, my son and not towards him either. You cannot have a firm relationship with it. It speaks for itself.
Honesty is difficult, honesty hurts and honesty is a requirement, period. Im old enough to take it. Its all in how you say it. If Ive got a shirt on that makes me look like shit, tell me. Just dont sit there and dont put me down personally that the shirt doesnt look good on me. Just tell me Ive got another one that looks way better. Ill do the same.
10) Spirituality! Not neccessary for the guy but he must understand that I am and very much so. Thats why, (and it is racist but for a good reason) most guys nowadays that I may consider in seriousness are Indigenous men. I am not christian, I was and never will be again. I dont have to worry about freaking out some guy thats never seen Indian "medicine" before and he thinks Im some kind of witch practising black magic or voodoo. I dont need that kind of attitude around me when I am preparing for ceremony. Im very serious about my spirituality and what I do in the community. That doesnt mean I wont "see" a non-Indian guy, not in the least. However, the potential suitor must understand that I am this way, I wont change and I wont take shit for being and living with as much of my traditions as I can. Its just a whole lot easier if the guy is Indian, a real one! Not a wannabe or some kind of "shaman" in training. Non Indian guys, I wont not consider you, you just have to understand that I am who I am and no one else. If you want to be there it might be hard for you but if you are sincere and honest Ill help you to understand as best I can.
No comments:
Post a Comment