LOVE: DON'T DENIAL YOUR HUNGER FOR LOVE...I DON'T

Who has no need . . .of a true companion? Who doesn't want a great friend? Are there lots of people who don't wish to be appreciated and accepted? People who reject devotion? Are there many men and women who do not long for a tender lover whose caress is their delight? And how many turn up their nose at a partner who is both responsible and generous? It is hard to imagine who could resist being a fool for such basics. Beyond the merely mundane requirements of life mentioned above, there are infinite flavors of intimacy we might long for, even if we don't know them directly. Yet. Our intimacy cravings are constantly stimulated by movies, T.V., and popular music. The possibility of loving with wild abandon can occur to us through exposure to the drama of Wuthering Heights or the lyrics of Marc Cohn. In The Last of the Mohicans, Daniel Day Lewis set an olympic example of relentless, impassioned devotion to his soulmate. Some of us might not be able to imagine being treated with loving care in the midst of mortal affliction unless we had seen Ryan O'Neal at the bedside of Allie McGraw in Love Story. And in Romancing the Stone, a romantic bond based on exhilarating adventure sold quite well, even if the experience was unfamiliar to the viewers. In our culture, we are deluged with glimpses and echoes of ideal possibilities in relationships. Yet in the middle of this deluge that has been going on for decades, the is a lot of skeptical snorting. I hear single both married and single people grousing that such ideal images are sappy and unrealistic. Both sexes frown in discouragement when they glimpse satisfactions they covet but are afraid to claim. And far too many single people settle for a scant crumb when they are dying for a full meal. Make no mistake about it, we need those sappy romantic, emotion-saturated ideals. Ideals give us something to shoot for -- like shooting for the moon, which was once a ridiculous possibility but now seems more attainable than a good relationship. That is why the best imagery from movies and music and (yes) television can be great catalysts for in-the-flesh relationships. They provide us with a richer repertoire of goals than most of us can think up on our own. They help us transcend the limitations of our individual life experience. Both sexes need equally powerful statements of an intimate ideal to fan desire, because it is desire that fuels action and makes things happen between people. Without an ideal of desire, we have nowhere to aim, no way to correct our course, no what to now when we have really hit the bullseye. Without strong emotional beacons it is easy to become socially demoralized and expect the worst. For example, Far too many of my male patient tell me they have stopped expecting women to be nice to them, that they are too discouraged to try for a good conversation with a woman, let alone pursue an impassioned love affair. They say it is no use seeking the closeness they want, that they would be happy for a few casual dates and a little fun . . . or one date that turned out well . . . or a few friendly dances . . . or one dance . . . or a smile . . . or simply the absence of a humiliating time. Women have their song of denial as well. It usually involves some version of the old classic: I'm really not interested in a Relationship. There are no good men available, anyway. They're all jerks and I'm better off alone, pursuing my own interests. These are deadly attitudes which poison natural desire . . . and then there is nothing to take action on. And where is the Sword of Truth to cut this knot of social inertia? It is to be found in facing the eternal desire for deeply gratifying relationships of all kinds -- but especially for the search for a True Companion. Yes, most of us seek the experience of a primary relationship largely in the company of one very important person. Although this statement often results in mudslinging, I avow that anyone who claims that a lasting intimate relationship does not matter to them is in denial, afraid to to desire what they must have to really thrive. They have lost sight of crucial ideals (the worst possible outcome), they have been disappointed beyond their capacity to recover (I doubt it), they are resting for the next assault on happiness (plausible), or maybe they actually believe that getting to mars is worth more perseverance than achieving the pleasure of deep emotional connection with a peer (wrong again). Single men and women . . . summon the courage to feel your desire and act on it until it is answered. Gather the energy to pursue not just the shell of an ideal image but the living, breathing experience of reliable devotion. Don't spit in your soup with the denial of your hunger.