THE TIRES TOOL
To here we are at the trail head and you just drove up in your brand new or slightly dented relationship. Or maybe you stalled getting here and are pushing your relationship up the road. Whether your relationship is new or old, we want to help you kick the tires and see whether it is roadworthy. We are going to help you evaluate whether or not your relationship is reliable. Just like a car, your relationship must be reliable because it’s meant to carry you, your partner and maybe some kids over all kinds of emotional territory. The tires on your vehicle are especially important because without them you're going nowhere fast. So let’s compare the fullness of each tire to essential qualities that are required to make a lifetime journey with your mate. We’ll give you a gauge to measure just how full they are:
Right Front Tire: Intellectual Compatibility
Do you think your partner is as smart as you? Do you feel as smart as your partner? Were you attracted to their native intelligence? Can they think their way out of a paper bag? Do they think you can? If this is a new relationship be on the lookout for Intellectual Compatibility. No matter how hot this relationship is in the beginning, eventually the nights will be very lonely when you're all alone with dum-dum. It’s also really obnoxious to live with a know-it-all who doesn't think you can keep up with the conversation. This is not to say that you have to have the same type of intelligence as your partner. They may be better at mechanical stuff and you may be more poetic. What's important is that you respect each other’s minds and are impressed with each others thinking process. If you are evaluating a longer term relationship and are feeling out of sorts with each other, try to remember back to when you were dating. Were you attracted to each others brain droppings? Did you feel all racy inside when your partner would say or do something particularly clever? This is a good sign that your partner will be good company for you over time. It’s great to have a partner that gets your jokes when life gets too serious.
Left Front Tire: Sexual Compatibility
For a lot of couples it’s all sizzle and flame in the beginning so they may be scoring themselves a ten in this department and moving on to the next tire. Usually couples are attracted physically and that’s why they swap phone numbers to begin with. When couples have a lower tire it’s because they may have been through a hot to trot relationship in the past and gotten burned. They may have been so eager for stable companionship that they have underestimated the importance of pure animal attraction.
You don’t have to have a 10 in this area to succeed, but anything lower than a 7 is going to be trouble. Your partner doesn’t need to be attractive to anybody else but you. Only your opinion matters! Attraction is a very personal and complex combination of qualities. You have to like your partner’s basic smell (the one they have after a shower or before a hog race). You have to like the way they look even with the lights on. Their voice should be pleasing to your ear. You should like the way their skin and hair (or scalp) feels. Ok you get the picture. Don’t overlook this tire. If you do you’ll tire of your partner.
Right Rear Tire: Moral Match
Believe it or not, we see a lot of couples who detest each others morality but it’s so hot in the sack that they ignore abominable morals. If you meet a person who turns you on but just got out of prison or asks you for a loan on the first date they are giving you an important clue. It’s amazing the tricks hormones can play on otherwise intelligent human beings. For instance, a lot of people hook up with people who are still married. If someone is still married that means they are cheating on their mate. Does that offend your morality? Sometimes it’s better to turn this question around. If you were the betrayed mate how would you feel? Don’t kid yourself, if someone could lie to their partner in order to sneak around with you, they are perfectly capable of doing it again, to you, when you become yesterday’s news.
This is why it’s a good idea to have high morals yourself. If you are cheating and slacking off in your own life you’re more likely to cut someone slack who is a moral moron too. Don’t discount how your potential partner is regarded by their friends, (if they have any), work mates, (if they have a job), and kids. If they have children from a past relationship they should care about them and for them. If they refuse to pay child support they are neglecting their kids and breaking the law. Watch how they treat their animals. If their dog runs under the couch when they approach, you should run too. How the rest of the world sees us speaks volumes about our character. And don’t fall for fancy talkers either. Talk is cheap. Keep your eyes open and notice the way they walk. If their tongue is flapping but their feet don’t follow through step out of this relationship because it will be all talk and no action. Hopefully, you’re both walking tall in this very important department and your tire is at least a 9!
Left Rear Tire: Future Plans
Do you both want kids? Do you want to live in the same part of the country? Do you want to purchase a home or rent a condo or live in a tree house and go on a safari? As silly as these questions may sound it’s even sillier not to ask them. Many couples assume that since they love each other they will naturally want the same things from life. Or they are afraid to ask because it would just ruin a perfectly good fantasy. Since we are preparing you for a long journey and not a day trip we want you to ask each other what you want out of life before you race off into the sunset. If one of you wants to be upper middle class and the other is seriously into beach bumming, you’ve got trouble. Couples can compromise when the compromise isn’t around a central goal or value. You may decide to downsize from three kids to two but you aren’t going to talk someone out of having children without incurring serious resentment and lifelong heartache. So drag out the story of your “perfect life” and compare notes. Are you in sync? And don’t forget the details. Who is going to manage the money? Who is going to make the money? Who is going to watch the kids? Whose parents do we visit on the holidays? You can visit a minister or a psychotherapist to take a test that will help you both answer these kinds of questions. It’s called Pre-marital Counseling and it’s a lot cheaper than divorce court.
Know That You Know, What Do You Do?
A car with full tires is still going to have a challenging time facing rush hour traffic, bad weather conditions and inevitable wear and tear. We are recommending that you start out with four good tires because it’s going to be a bumpy ride at times. If you’re like a lot of our clients you may be seeing your relationship in a whole new light after taking this little test. You may be missing some very important tires. You may notice that your relationship looks a lot more like a trike, a bike, or, heaven forbid, a unicycle. You may be asking “But will it work if one of these tires is a 5 or lower?” We’d like to ask you a few questions. How would you feel about taking a car on a long ride with anything less than full tires? How would you like to raise kids on a bicycle built for two? And how many egomaniacs can ride a unicycle? We’re also asking you to take an honest look in the mirror. Where could you improve yourself? We all need to challenge ourselves to grow intellectually, stay physically fit and active. We need to improve morally and consider how our actions and communication styles affect others. Most of us could learn to be kinder to ourselves and others during times of stress. And it is essential to give careful thought to our future plans and dreams. If you and your partner are willing to take an honest look at your low tires and fill them up with good energy, then travel on. If you find that either one of you is not willing to inflate these tires with your positive effort then you may have a relationship that is stable but boring. It’s kind of like a car that never leaves the driveway. Or you may endlessly argue and sabotage each other instead of paying attention to what’s missing so that you can change it. Remember to return to the base camp of humility and admit that you both need to improve. Ignoring the problem is the problem. If you are just entering a relationship and even one of these tires is below a five be forewarned, it’s not going to work out! It’s better to do your crying before you’ve invested too much in a broken down jalopy of a relationship. These flat tires are hurting you now but you may be discounting their importance because you are infatuated with fantasy rather than inflated with good energy. When romance fades these low tires will be the source of endless conflict and pain. We hope that you will summon whatever personal strength you have and back your car out of the driveway of denial and put this non-roadworthy relationship in the rear view mirror of your life.
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