I'm not condoning cheating in a relationship, nor denying that it's wrong to cheat. I'm merely trying to understand what does cheating mean and why do we do it? This post was started by this email I got:
My wife had a hysterectomy about 2 years ago and her sex drive went to basically none. The air is full of sexual tension between us constantly. I have the sex drive of a nympho...there is nothing I would rather be doing. I don't want to leave my wife, but I need a way to get rid of the sexual tension I suffer from. To me, sex with a different species would be acceptable and not cheating since I would be doing it to keep from actually eventually cheating with another
human(not an option for me, where humans are concerned I'm definately monogamous), or getting mad and leaving(I definately love her and don't want this). Help me out here! Give me your input on the subject! Thanks in advance
Relationship experts estimate three out of every four men in a committed relationship cheat, and about one-half of women.(and the number are rising for woman) If these numbers are to be believed, it means that the majority of people in relationships have cheated. A 1994 follow-up to the landmark Kinsey study of the late '40s and early '50s indicates, according to that the incidence of marital infidelity is "pretty close" now to what it was then. That would mean that
between 65 percent of American women and about 75 percent of American men report having been unfaithful to their spouses,
It's been said that the only thing worse than cheating is getting caught cheating. Because unlike anything else, cheating is perhaps the most personally demoralizing thing one person can do to another person. Try as a cheater might, once the other person has the unarguable, undeniable, don't-say-nothing-cause-you're busted goods, there's nothing that can be done to patch things up, make things better, turn back the hands of time. Cheating can't be justified away; it can't be reasoned away; it can't be ignored or forgiven.
Why do we cheat?
Experts say many women cheat because they are looking to reinforce that they are desirable and still attractive. Others do it because their husbands or boyfriends are lousy at making them feel passionate.
Cheating generally means that you are not fully satisfied with your current partner or you feel that something is missing in the relationship. If you were completely in love and happy within your relationship, then why would you jeopardize all that you have for a five-minute fling with the girl next door?
For cheating men, there is usually a sense that something is missing in the relationship or in them. Sometimes it's that they don't feel there is enough passion in the relationship. Other times it's a feeling that his partner is not available to him, or that his partner doesn't take time to listen to him. Then he meets the other woman and she "becomes this person who is sort of like a surrogate wife-therapist, because she listens to all the problems, and why the marriage is so miserable and what happened....but in the end it come down to pussy....sex. A lot of men who are in serious relationships usually end up cheating after a couple of years. Men stuck in long-term relationships feel they are missing out on something. Most of the time, these men cheat because they are frustrated and need to get it out of their systems.Men also like to explore and try new things. The benefit in this case is that once men do cheat, they realize that it is nothing special and probably won't do it again. This prevents them from being unfaithful later on when the stakes are higher (like when they have a family).When people are in a relationship for a long time, they can't help but start taking their significant other for granted. Sometimes they forget just how great the woman they have really is. Men forget how wonderful it feels to have someone who loves them unconditionally. Cheating usually involves lustful feelings of physical attraction; nothing long-term.
I can tell you a story of one of my patient... a couple in their upper 40s in which the woman spent most of her time and energy on the road for her job. The marriage was her second thought. Her husband came into play only after she had taken care of all of her job interests. Her husband was as loyal as he could be, but felt he was second place in the marriage, like he was an afterthought more or less. She felt that as long as she kept the house clean and neat and did the meals when she was there, and showed up for all of the more important family affairs, she was doing her job. He didn't feel that way. He felt neglected, unattended to, unloved. So he ultimately had an affair. I can related to my patient and I will explain later When men cheat, it basically means that they are looking for something their girlfriend or wife is not providing. Often times, it comes down to sex. It has nothing to do with commuication. The only time I serious thought about cheating was the last few weeks with my ex Melissa. Our sex life was down...she was so busy with school, her bussiness and other commitment she had. I told her I need more...and she turn around and told me "Why are you so selfish?"....and there nothing I can take off my plate right now. After attempting the same topic over and over and realizing your need are not being listening too...you think about cheating. I want to say here....I DIDN'T CHEAT...I SERIOUS THOUGHT ABOUT...BUT DIDN'T CHEAT. But that experience alone gave me more insight and understanding to why a man would do it.
The result is that once men are unfaithful, they will lie in bed and think relentlessly about their unsuspecting partner. Why? Because the lust factor has worn away and the reality didn't measure up to the fantasy. Instead, they remember the good reality; the woman who loves them, bakes them cookies and makes love to them. The old saying "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" says it all.
We all enter into relationships with varied expectations and project different levels of commitment to our significant others. For example, some couples make the decision, mutually, to become exclusive. Some relationships, however, are simply mutually exclusive. The larger question may be: In a world of break-ups, make-ups and random hook-ups, what even counts as cheating these days?
Cheating has always been a part of the dating scene. It's practically biblical- after all, the prophet Abraham had dozens of wives. Cheating is a notion that U.S. presidents have embraced, songwriters have put to music and the Academy has given Oscars to for best actor in their various philandering roles. However, though cheating may be biblical, presidential and even cinematic, it's usually not quite forgivable.
The funny thing about cheating is that, in the real world, cheating and stealing are criminal offenses. When we cheat on a test, we fail the class, or at least are guaranteed a date with Bill Kirk. When we steal from a store, we suffer the consequences, Winona Ryder. However,when someone steals our hearts and then cheats on us, it is the cheated that often suffers the consequences. The cheater may be left feeling guilty, but the cheated is left hurt, confused and angry.
Let's be honest. Cheating on someone isn't painful. Being cheated on is. Flirting isn't cheating. Looking isn't cheating. Admiring isn't cheating. However, when the ante is upped and we begin to play for keeps in a relationship, the misdemeanors can add up.
But imagine a continuum made up of all of the ways in which men and women interact. At one end of this imaginary line, place the innocent, friendly behaviors -- saying hello to a co-worker, holding open a door, smiling at a stranger on the street -- that make up the substance of everyday life. At the other end, place the intense, intimate emotional, physical and sexual behaviors that occur between a husband and a wife.
Is......
Sex?
Lies?
Dating?
A one night stand?
Are you cheating or unfaithful if you clandestinely go out for a drink with someone or is it only cheating if that meeting results in sex? Identify the exact point on the continuum where marital infidelity begins. The point where a man gives a woman who's not his wife a peck on the cheek? The point where a man and a woman become best friends and begin to share each other's secrets? The point where sexual activity, however the man and the woman define it, actually occurs? Infidelity. It's a simple concept packed with hundreds of definitions that vary and evolve from person to person, couple to couple, even within a single couple's relationship over time
What are the boundaries of cheating/ unfaithfullness?
You would think everyone would agree on what is cheating in a relationship; but they don't. I think that most people will agree that having sex with someone other than your primary partner is cheating. But there is a couple of questions about that statement. What is sex? And is it cheating if you are in an open relationship (open marriage)? Well, let's narrow the definition a bit. Cheating is having unauthorized (by your partner) intercourse with someone other than
your primary partner. Now I don't think this definition is inclusive enough as there are other acts that to me are cheating. What if we replace intercourse with genitalia contact? Even this may not be inclusive enough. How about having an Internet affair. Polls, that I have read, indicate that just a little bit more than half, men or women, indicate that an Internet affair is cheating. So it would seem that there are a lot of men and women that think its ok to have an Internet affair. How about passionate kissing? Here again I bet there is no agreement if this is cheating or not. I think that most people would agree that masturbating is not cheating. How about reading or watching porn? How about going to a strip club? Some would say yes some would say no. I would say it depends on the expectations of the people in the relationship if an action is cheating or not.
I have no problem seeing my partner flirt a guy in a packed club with me watching from the gallery if i know that while she's doing it, she's still thinking of - me. Indeed, i have even encouraged such behaviour and not only that it was fun, it brought us closer. It all boils down to how secure you are - of yourself, the other half and the relationship as a whole.
To me, cheating is to do with lying and deceiving. If my partner knows what I'm doing, and is happy with it, then it's not cheating. Cheating is very simple to determine. If you wouldn't do it in front of your significant other, then it is cheating. Well sure that is all okay as long as you are open about it and do not lie or cover up those.
Most people, I think, still believe in monogamy and the worst thing about infidelity is the breaking of trust and the breaking of that agreement (to be monogamous).I think monogamy is the ideal that we all want to have. We all want to have that storybook, happily-ever-after, adoring faith in each other. As part of that expectation of monogamy,most couples do agree on strict sexual exclusivity, although it's interesting how people will couch what they're doing in special kinds of language to get around, maybe, being totally honest.
The hypothetical line that, when crossed, equals infidelity moves when it's you and you're trying to rationalize your own behavior, and it's quite hard and fast when it's your own spouse, and, I think there is no standard that everybody comes to in agreeing that when you do X, that's infidelity.When allegations that President Clinton had a relationship with Monica Lewinsky were first reported, commentators and political analysts parsed his public denials in a way that'd make a third-grade grammar teacher proud.
What, exactly, did Clinton mean when he said he had no relationship with Lewinsky? How does he define "relationship"? Does he, maybe, consider some physical activities cheating, and others not? Women generally have a much greater problem with emotional intimacy than physical intimacy between a spouse and somebody else. In other words, if my husband is emotionally into it with another woman, most woman are much more upset than would be if he had a one-night stand on a business trip.
A man is much more territorial about a woman's body, and a man's definition of cheating would be more apt to require physical activity than a woman's. Most men consider acts short of intercourse -- oral sex, for example -- as not technically cheating,It seems like, if there's intercourse involved, for a man, that is real sex. That is having sex with somebody.Have you noticed, with the celebrity-type guys who get caught with hookers, that's usually what's
involved? It's, like, `Oh, I didn't have to do anything. I'm not involved.
The definition of infidelity can be muddled further by couples who agree to define infidelity in their own way, permitting activities in their marriage that others would consider out of bounds.
I think there are two types of cheating, physical cheating and emotional cheating. Physical cheating is something I had heard of and seen before. It is easy to define since there is an obvious physical action related to this kind of cheating. The bottom-line is that emotional cheating is difficult to define since the actions are not as blatantly obvious as with physical cheating. What one couple considers emotional cheating could not even been considered in another couple relationship.
Somewhere along the line we've convinced ourselves that relationships re easy, that we do what we please and things will always work out, there's a reason that this country seems obsessed with divorcing tself. The National Center for Health Statistics offers the conservative estimate that 63% of American marriages end in divorce (2002). You are twice as likely to get divorced if you live in the United States than if you live in the United Kingdom, France, Germany,
Sweden, Australia, Austria, Belgium, and Holland (also from the NCHS). Italy has the lowest divorce rate with 10 divorces per 100 marriages in the year 2000, to the United States' 64.8. Are Americans naturally more deceptive in their relationships than Europeans? What does Italy do that we don't? These are questions that aren't going be answered here, and certainly not soon. But these numbers should be reason enough to give us pause, and examine how we treat our partners.
We're not animals, and we've come along way from hitting the girl on the head with a club and dragging her off to spread our seed and procreate. We've come out of the cave, we've looked over the hill, seen fire, and crossed an ocean. We've cured diseases, split the atom, stood on the moon and seen the face of god. The history of man is a history of progress. We've decided as a culture and a society that a mate is more than a mate, and instead a partner and someone we can count on for better or for worse. Yes, it's difficult, but it's well worth the fight.
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