PERSONAL: PART 1------WHEN YOUR PARTNER TELL YOU THAT THEY DON'T LIKE HAVING SEX WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE HOT ENOUGH

I had girlfriend once who told me she didn't like having sex with me, even thought she told me that I was the best sex she ever had.That never made sense to me. She made me feel ugly, told me I wasn't her physical type.( she wasn't mine as well). On a scale of 1-10 she told me I was a 2. WTF????????

1-10 Scale

1 – Beyond Ugly

2 – Ugly

3 – Near Ugly

4 – Below average

5 – Average: You’re friends wouldn’t be impress!

6 – Above Average/Cute: No major complaints.

7 – Very Attractive/Hot/Pretty or Handsom: Someone you’re proud to show off in public. He or She gets a lot of attention.

8 – “Beautiful” (man or woman)/All of a 7 and more: Brag about having.

9 – Drop-dead Gorgeous/Outrageously Beautiful/All of an 8 and more: minimal flaw that is over looked by most.

10 – close to “Perfect”/One in a million: This person has a very beautiful symmetrical face, excellent body with great proportion, dresses well, knows how to carry himself or herself..


Listen,I know I am not ugly. I am not a 2. I slept with a lot of woman. Over 60 or more..  I would consider myself as a 6.5-7 in the look department.  Most of the woman I slept with were 7 and above. Just being honest here.  I would rate my ex girl friend like 5.5 to a 6.

The reason she doesn't like to have sex with me is because she told me she wasn't in love with me. I don't get that either. She broke up with some guy and 2 months later started dating me...while still in love with him. She felt guilty sleeping with me because she has this sick idea of being loyal to her ex boyfriend. Anyway, 6 months later she was still telling me the same thing. ...she doesn't love me and I wasn't hot enough. And i could tell anyway without her telling me,,,we only have sex when she wanted it. She was submissive to her ex, but not to me. I could go on and on about this. You can image how that would makes anyone feel. 

To be honest, I don;t think she would ever love me because she doesn't want to. She was still love with her ex. That is a whole other issues in itself. She would accuse me of being controlling when I was not, she would accuse me of being more of a father figure when I wasn't. She would accuse me of telling her that her life was going to be horrible in the future when I did the complete opposite. Her preception of me was just crazy. I wonder sometimes...if we were in the same relationship.

So why did she still wanted to date me? Because I was perfect in every other area beside the look department. Again, I think she has some passive -aggressive behavior issues. Say one thing and the next minutes the totally opposite.

Listen,I know we all meet intelligent, kind people, then wish they didn’t have crooked teeth. It's not a one-way street; most likely, someone has loved you in spite of the fact  that you might not been their physical type.

And now that we’re all on the same page about being selfish, superficial monsters, let’s discuss the properties of being such a person. Let’s talk about the problem, which is actually a pretty deep one. The issue here is that this ex girl  of mine was thinking of “the one” the same way you think of a sandwich.

Often, we fall into a weird habit of thinking of people as a collection of ingredients. Just how you want bacon, lettuce and tomato on a sandwich, you might want warmth, athleticism, and medium-large breasts in a partner. You’re like, "I’ll take a non-smoking hot woman  with a side of law degree." But this isn’t a useful way of thinking about relationships. Not because your preferences aren’t real — but because what makes somebody “the one” isn’t a collection of the ingredients that turn you on, or comfort you when you feel depressed. “The one” is the person you’re ready to love fully — the person you want to sign up for, whatever that entails.

Let’s face the cruel facts of this situation. If she’re not happy with a perfectly-functioning relationship with someone who’s attractive but not ravishing (that me we are talking about here), then a perfectly functioning relationship wasn't her undisputed priority. And there is nothing wrong with this. Seriously. There’s nothing wrong with prioritizing bone structure and looks and being shallow. The only really shameful thing is having bullshit relationships. I was in a  bullshit relationship with a woman who would rather be screwing around with a drop-dead gorgeous guy whose personality doesn't align with her whatsoever.

If you are sexual person ,you will feel occasionally be horny for random strangers no matter how hot a person you’re sleeping with. Realize that, even if you date a perfect 10 now, she or he won’t be that in 20 years — looks fade, both yours and hers. Understand that receiving an incredible blowjob from the most breathtakingly beautiful woman you’ve ever seen will be revelatory at first, but will seem normal (if still excellent) eventually.

I realize that she really doesn't want a relationship with me,even though she was going through the motions.  She wanted to get married and have kids but she did everything she could to destroy that.She told me she would be submissive to a guy who was above 6 and in her head...i wasn't above a 6 when through out my whole dating experience....the feedback I got was  was the totally opposite. I remember she also told me she won't give me the 6 blowjobs I been asking for in one day...until she loved me. Like I wrote above. I don't think she will ever love me....it was 6 month into the relationship.

Why any one person chooses to marry is based on a complex mix of factors, many of which are unknown even to the person doing the marrying. One person may look for fire in the sheets, another for fire in the brain. Another might insist on both. One may see the abundance in one area as simply that, and not as a deficit in another.

I’ve known couples where the physical attraction alone was not mutual—one person was swoon-y for the other, while the other was, well, attracted to the other on a lot of levels, sure, but it was not particularly their body. And it’s worth arguing here that we may all deal with this at one point or another—for certain people, simply getting old, gaining weight, enduring illness, the ravages of time, or even a bad haircut could knock the wind out of our lover’s lustful gaze. While I think everyone has the right to a partner who is equally wild-eyed about you as you are about them, in many relationships, over time, the dynamics of attraction are bound to change.

I never saw attraction as my ex girlfriend did. She was shallow, and mean. She wasn't my physical type either....but I would have never done the things she did in our relationship to make it a difficult relationship to be in.To me being attractive isn't about how you look.

So if attraction isn’t based on physical appearance, what is it about? It’s about essence. It’s about the person you see when all pretenses fade away. It’s about the light that emanates from her eyes or the radiance of her smile. It’s about seeing soul instead of personality, the sustaining beauty of true nature instead of the fleeting beauty of a pretty face. It’s about what draws you to your partner, what connects you, what makes you say “yes” to  her and no to everyone else. It’s about that place that feels like home, when you can sit next to each other immersed in engaging conversation or content in comfortable silence. 

I  have eliminate the words attraction or chemistry from my vocabulary – and instead ask, “What draws me to my partner?” Let’s understand attraction like a magnetic pull instead of in terms of superficial beauty. For we’ve all known people who appear typically beautiful but as soon as they open their mouth, the spell is broken and their true, toad-like nature is revealed. And we’ve known the opposite scenario as well: the person our culture defines as physically unattractive but whose essence radiates such love, warmth, clarity, and goodness that they’re transformed into the fabled prince or princess.

So how did I let myself fall in love with a woman who wasn't my physical type.

1-I put her picture on my phone as a wallpaper. When I started to see her in a  negative light, I pull out the phone and had a good look. At the same time,  I would look at a photo of myself at my very worst to remind myself that I am not perfect either. We all have good days and bad days. We can all look beautiful or scary. 

2-I try to find one quality that you love – her hands, her lips,  and focus on that. With her it was her eyes.

3- I remind myself that when  I am over-focusing on the attraction issue, I probably avoiding something else – especially if you know that you’re attracted to her essence. Say to yourself, “I’m in a projection” and then ask,”What feeling am I avoiding by focusing on this right now?”

4- I watch “Shallow Hal.” It’s such a great movie for revealing how much our culture focuses on the externals and loses sight of essence.

5-I Remind myself that attraction comes and goes (just like the feeling of love). No one is always attracted to their partner. That’s just not the way attraction works.



The following is post I wrote a few years ago.

I have a few revelations in the ‘attraction’ department, my arch-nemesis!  It’s so weird but I feel like the tables have turned on me here. She is still the same person, but I seem to have changed. Because she didn’t fit my warped mould of ‘perfect’ I was withholding a part of myself that I feel is critical to attraction: emotional  and sexual intimacy. I was sort of punishing her for making me feel angry when she wasn’t doing anything to deserve it. My ego said – it’s ‘your’ fault, because you are not Mrs Perfection (obviously I was not yet done getting over this fantasy). As soon as I realised that my ego was in the driver’s seat, demanding perfection, I kicked his arse and said, “Wow ego, you’re really unattractive – go get some humility and start appreciating her for who she is, share your self more and stop expecting her to make you feel a certain way. You’re going to lose a really really great woman if you keep this up.”

It occured to me that this was more than just lack of being attracted = no intimacy. It was my shutdown that was preventing ME from being intimate with her – thus, shutting down a vital connection that is way more than physical. So yeah, reporting that ‘it’ was kinda my ‘fault’.

This whole attraction thing has been so ‘over the top’ in my head for so long, it’s weird having this new window to see through; I mean, I have dated many different woman, all of them have been different, no one has been perfect. I never had this anxiety over them!! It was more that in my head, the place I reserved for my wife was one that had to be perfect. Now, my partner is pretty perfect so WHY this need for a Mrs Perfection? Sure, the Hollywood stereotypes played a HUGE part, but the inner child was SCREAMING something and I only have just started to hear him, and it’s to do with being visibly protected by someone bigger than me, physically, because of so much crap I, like many of us, have experienced in the past. And so, I think, this need to be with someone who could put ‘certain people in my past’ in their place, was important to my inner child. I had to tell him that I DID have someone that was going to protect me, that my partner was WAY better than anyone else I’d ever met at protecting and nurturing me emotionally

The bottom line truth is that beauty fades over time. If you’re going to remain married to someone for sixty years, you’re going to see hairlines recede, boobs sag, bellies pooch, hairs turn grey. And if you’ve picked your partner primarily because of the way he or she looks, you’re going to have a very hard time sustaining real attraction over the long haul of marriage. Real attraction, like real love, is sustainable, solid, and grows over time. It would behoove you to learn about it now.

DATING: DATING AN OLDER MAN....

So I recently heard that John Stamos is going to be a dad! He is 54 and his fiancée Caitlin McHugh is 31. If a woman has an array of other quality options closer to her age range, what incentives would she have to date a man who is YEARS OLDER?  

Have you ever heard the saying, “Certain things get better with age”? That’s definitely true when dating older men...this is why dating older men in my opinion is better:


1. Experienced and cultured...

Men are like wine. They get better with age. Their experiences in life, at work and in previous relationships have taught them a lot of life lessons to make their situation better than before. They are more mature now to understand that things don’t always happen the way they want them to and so they are more understanding and patient with their partners. They know what they want and they go for it. They are very confident and so they carry themselves very well especially in public. They are generally well-mannered. They have been to several places in the past and so they know a lot of things about other cultures. Older men are also better when it comes to handling their finances. They have lived long enough to be self-sufficient and to know how to handle their money very well. So if you are dating an older guy, do not be wasteful of money. He earned every penny through hard work and he wouldn’t like it if you spend it carelessly on things that don’t really matter.


2. Women date older men for practical reasons

Now this is the financial aspect which, by the way, is an important aspect of every relationship. Let’s face it, women look for men who have the capacity to support financially. It is not about being a gold-digger or a social climber. It is all about practicality. When you start a family for example, it is important that the man is able to provide security. A self-sufficient woman will not easily settle for anything less than what she earns. In logical perspective, a typical guy of late 30’s will have less savings or less wealth and assets accumulated compared to what he’s become 20 years later. That is considering that he continued to work and save as he gets older. In this regard, an older man has enough assets and money in the bank to support a family. This is why women go for financially-stable men instead of those who are still generally starting with their career. Money is not everything in a relationship but without money the relationship is bound to fail at some point especially when there are kids involved in the relationship already. I am not saying that women should depend on their partner financially. Women don't date just for the sake of dating. They are also thinking of the future...


3. Older Men May Be Better in Terms of Pleasing and Handling Women

In my opinion though, older men have had their fair share of both short-lived and more stable relationships and this gives them a bit of an advantage when it comes to handling relationships. Their previous experiences have helped them learn what women generally want and what makes women happy. Not only do they know more in bed but they also understand women a little bit better. They are more sensitive to their partner's needs. They are generous in bed and they are passionate lovers. Older men tend to be more romantic as well. They have good sense of humor that does not involve shaming their friends or whatever. They’ve already slept with a girl who was infinitely hotter than you, and a girl that was infinitely less attractive than you. They’ve had their heart broken a million times already. The best sex you ever will have will be with an older man.


4. Older Men Generally Look for a Serious Relationship

Men mature much later than women  This is where they seek for a more stable and healthy relationship. Playtime is over and it is time for them to be serious with their life. This is the age where they usually have pieced their life altogether and they are now ready for a more serious and deeper commitment. Women who are tired of short-lived and immature relationships can find a more satisfying and more stable relationship with an older guy than a guy in his late 30’s for example. Younger men are still in their vigorous stage where they are easily tempted. They are still at an age where they love to explore and try different things before settling on something more serious. So if a girl feels that she is ready to tie the knot, or when she is ready for a serious commitment and start a family, a younger man is just not the right person for her.There's absolutely no denying that a man who is older than you is definitely more mature than the one who is either your age, or younger. And thank god for that! Because honestly, dealing with immature guys is like taking care of a man child, and no woman's got time for that.


5. Older Men Have More Sophisticated Taste

When it comes to the finer things in life like wine, food, beer, traveling and clothes, older men tend to choose the more sophisticated ones. First, they can afford it and second they just know that it is better quality. They also know however, that when it comes to food and drinks quality does not always come with a price. You don’t need to eat at a 5-star restaurant to be able to enjoy your food. You can find an affordable place that serves a 5-star quality food and drinks with much better service as well. When travelling, older men avoid touristy places because they know that they won’t get authentic products for the right price and they won’t be able to enjoy the scenery with the entire crowd roaming around. They understand "value for money". They are happy to sit in one corner where you have all the view to yourself …now that takes careful planning, timing and experience...and older men as experienced travelers, know that.


7. Older Men Generally Live a Healthy Lifestyle

8-His manners will bowl you over

If your man is older than you, you know what I'm talking about. The respect with which they treat you is unseen among men in their  30s. And these gentlemen can bowl you over with tiny gestures like opening a door, and holding your hand when crossing the road. These definitely count.

9-Your conversations will be of this world and beyond

Since your man is older, he's seen the world and more people than you have. And he knows how to carry on a conversation - from gossiping to talking about politics, to the workings of the world and the plans he has for the two of you, this man can talk about everything and anything under the sun.



So, if you're thinking about dating a younger woman, here are five things you should bear in mind before doing so:

1. The Power Dynamic Is Skewed

"Power dynamic" is a term that recognizes that power in social relationships can come from many sources: money, age, prestige, class, and so on. Speaking in general terms, older people have more social power than younger people, and, in a variety of demonstrable ways and despite measurable progress in this area, men have more power than women. Hence, when you combine the two variables — an older man and a younger woman — the power dynamic favors the older man. The bigger the age gap between you, and the younger she is, the more skewed the power dynamic will be in your favor. If she doesn't respect that, she isn't the right one for you



2. She Is, By Definition, Not Mature

A young woman can be smart, witty and worldly, but she is, by definition, not mature or experienced. Certain life experiences and personal qualities only come from being alive on earth for a decent length of time, so if you are considering dating a woman who you would otherwise think is too young but for the fact that she's "really mature for her age," stop kidding yourself. If your prospective partner is fresh out of collegel having never weathered a job loss, heartbreak or any of the other hallmarks of adult life, 

3. She Might Be Expecting Too Much From You

Stereotypically speaking, when a young woman dates an older man she may have a few qualities in mind that she expects you to have: financial security, maturity and gentlemanliness, for example. She may think that guys her own age are immature and directionless, and be looking for an older guy to provide more stability for her.

The only way you can figure this stuff out is to talk openly about your expectations. If she's seeking a guy who will open car doors for her and order Champagne at every restaurant you visit, you're going to need to be straight with her if you're not going to be providing that for her. Let her know that you're a person she'll be dating, not a weird father figure or security blanket. Likewise, she can let you know that she's a human woman with flaws and insecurities, not a hot babe who will never "burden" you with a single emotional need.

5. You May Not Want The Same Things From Life

Let's say you're not burdened by the above issues: she has a realistic idea of what she expects from older men, and you in particular; and vice versa. You're not looking for a flawless one-dimensional sex doll and she's not looking for a sugar daddy either — you're just two regular people who like each other and clicked, If your significant other is an amazing person who you mesh with well, but you simply aren't looking for the same things (she just wants to party, you're ready to start thinking about settling down and having kids, for example), it's just not going to work out. These issues can, of course, affect couples who are the same age and who have different priorities,


However, if a young woman is into older men, it’s usually comes down to one of the following reasons:

-She likes how girly he makes her feel because he is so masculine.
-She is more emotionally mature than guys her age, so she feels more compatible with older guys.
-She prefers having sex with guys who are experienced.
-She has a “daddy complex” and likes to be a man who will give her the love that she didn’t get f-rom her father.
She prefers guys who are more financially established.

THOUGHTS; SO MANY THOUGHTS......THERMODYNAMIC MIRCALES

They want me to talk about you again, like you are a photograph that can be reached in arms length. You’re not. You are miles away; buried in the core of the darkest place in my memory. They want me to remember your apple scented white polo shirt when you held my hand that afternoon; begging me to give you a chance. They want to hear your voice again because lately, I’m not sleeping early because there’s comfort from the songs you gave; which intoxicate my insomnia more. They want me to go home but I told them home is no longer you. My heart, my bones, my veins and artery, my head, my soul they missed you again. But I will keep saying no. Because they have to know, you no longer care


PART 2

If you lose interest in someone, tell them.

If you’re not looking for a relationship, tell the person you’re seeing.

If you’re thinking of ghosting someone, tell them.

If you can’t handle meeting up with someone after all, tell them.

If you’re terrible at responding to messages, tell people.

If you prefer talking in person to texting, tell people.

If you’re seeing several people at the same time, tell them.

If you’re looking for sex rather than dating, tell the person you’re seeing.

It is not difficult to be a decent and honest, open, communicative human being. Respect those whom you interact with and have relationships with by telling the truth instead of leading them on or being deceitful.



PART 3

Insecure men don’t like to admit that they need to get better at anything; admitting that we are imperfect creates a cognitive dissonance that resonates within our minds, and irritates the soul. It’s easier to bury the realization, and paper it over with the facade of machismo.

And I am nothing if not an insecure man. Confronting my own insecurities is scary because it clashes with how I want to view myself - and how I want to believe my partner views me. It was only once I truly embraced the idea that I am, and forever will be, a DEEPLY flawed human being that I was ever able to really begin to grow.

For once I embraced that I was imperfect, I became obsessed with doing everything within my power to erase those imperfections. Not instantly, but gradually, by trying to be one percent better every day. I’ll never truly succeed of course, because perfect is an inherently subjective construct, but at least by accepting that I am weak, and flawed, and imperfect, I have allowed myself the freedom to pursue greatness.

As a dominant that freedom to accept that I am all of these things, is how I show my strength





PART 4

There is something deeply comforting about the vastness of space. No matter how big our problems are, no matter how large they seem to us, to the universe we aren’t even blips on its radar. We exist so briefly that for the universe we are a millisecond of a milliseconds worth of existence. Whenever I gaze at the stars and then look back at my greatest problem of the day, suddenly everything seems so very small and so very insignificant. We get a millisecond of a milliseconds worth of life. Why not spend as much of that as we can trying to be happy and doing the things we love instead of making ourselves ache?


PART 5


Sometimes people choose each other out of hunger mistaking it for love. And no matter how much love they try to feed each other, the hunger only grows and grows, until they have nothing left to devour but each other



PART 6

I am done letting you grind my heart to powder to get high on the love I have for you, just to leave again searching for something better. I am not a habit for you to turn to on bad days, I am the healing you so desperately need and cannot see.


PART 7


It’s not me, it’s you. I am not going to sit here and pretend the problem was me when very clearly it was you. You don’t get to treat me like I am nothing but a fire you need to warm your hands by only to douse it out when the time has come to leave. I am not a glass of water for you to drink from and throw the rest into the sink. You don’t get to spread a wildfire in my heart, burn this forest I have tended so carefully to the ground and walk away with a slap on the wrist like “it’s not you, it’s me”. I am better than that, I am the healing you desperately needed but chose not to see. So forgive me for saying what needs to be said here, it was unequivocally, a hundred percent you, not an ounce of this was on me


PART 8

First you count the stars that died to bring you to life by listening to your heartbeat, Then you close your eyes and feel the nebulae moving slowly in your blood, Then you feel the universe brimming through the thoughts in your mind. And slowly you count your eyelashes like they are constellations, as you finally recognise the fabric of your soul under your skin

PART 9

You meet someone as deep as the sea, and just when you spend a lifetime figuring them out, you find out there are still massive lakes to explore that exist under that sea


PART 10

I am teaching myself how to take up space. How to not apologise constantly for the way I live and breathe. How an apology isn’t something I am supposed to say before I speak in a conversation. How  I’m so sorry, isn’t something I have to say before I just allow myself the basic right of speaking about anything.

I am teaching myself that I am allowed to exist on this planet without thinking of myself as a burden. How to not apologise for things that are out of my control. How to understand when people are trying to manipulate me into thinking the worst of myself and most of all how to stop thinking the very worst of myself as I deserve better than that from myself.


I am teaching myself that humans can exist without assuming the very worst about themselves and how the people around them perceive them. How to not apologise when someone bumps into me and I immidiately assume it is my fault. How to not apologise when I ask a question because I think others will think I am stupid. How to love myself for these flawed bits of me no one has ever wanted to love before.


I am teaching myself that all the lies my abusers told me about myself were so very wrong. How I am allowed to make mistakes. How as long as I apologise and amend things, anything is fixable if I still have love in my heart for the other person. How not everything that has ever gone wrong in every relationship is my fault.


I am finally learning how to take up space as a human being. It’s taken a long, long road to get here. And I still have a very long way to go before I am done understanding that it is my job to take up space, that I am not just an afterthought or a secondary character in this gift of life I have been given. That who I am is not an apology, that who I am is not wrong.




PART 11

However difficult you think you are, there is someone out there who will love you.

They will hold your hand through your anxiety. They will be there for you even on your worst, angriest days. They will allow you to grow and evolve in the way you need. And even when you make mistakes, they will take the time to understand you and forgive you.

Love is not a thing that needs to be earned by changing yourself from the person you are. You can better yourself, but never ever think you need to better yourself for anyone other than yourself. Those kind of changes never last.

This is the kind of love you deserve. This is the kind of love you need. No one is too difficult to love when they have love in their hearts to give to others. Please don’t believe whoever told you that you will never find the love you need, not even yourself. Don’t tell yourself that changing who you are will get you the love you need. Because this you, all raw, all broken is still beautiful, is incredibly wonderful to someone.

Believe in yourself. You are not too difficult to love.

And you deserve love. Just like this. Just as you are.




PART 12

To say it was painful is an understatement. To say that you hurt me is an even bigger understatement. The truth is, if you had left a dozen stab wounds on my body, the way you did to my mind and heart, you would be imprisoned but no one ever imprisons anyone for the near-fatal crime of breaking someone’s heart. It took me years to get over you. It took me days to simply pull myself together and lead a normal life. It took so long that the pain began to feel like second nature to me, it began to feel like it was consumption rather than just heartbreak.


And still, as I sit here writing this, I want to say thank you. You were the universe’s present, wisdom in the form of a human, sent to me at just the right time, to tell me how much I need to evolve and grow and become someone who I am proud of. I needed to have my heart broken this badly. I needed to be hurt this much to know how deeply I feel, how much I truly can love. I needed to breathe and feel the pain to this extent. You gave me this and for that I am forever grateful. You have changed me as a human, fundamentally and forever.


So wherever you are, despite the pain you caused me, I hope nothing but the best for you. I want to thank you for the heartbreak. I want to thank you for being a lesson to me in so many ways. I want to thank you for the damage you did to me. Because without that damage I do not think I would be the very best version of me. The me I see and feel today.




PART 13

One day you will find someone who doesn’t look at you and see only the broken pieces. Instead they will see the light that shines through those cracks. They will help you grow flowers within those pieces of you that you assume will never live or breathe or grow again.


One day you will find someone who doesn’t allow you to see only the worst in yourself. Instead they will show you the same reflection in the mirror that you have come to hate so much and show you the flecks of gold that you have constantly missed seeing in your own eyes, the beauty of your soul as it resides inside your face, the softness inside your heart that glows so beautifully through.


One day you will find someone who shows you that everything that scares you can be defeated. They stand by you and hand you the weapons that will defeat your demons, never once trying to fix you, instead giving you the confidence that you can and you will fix yourself. They are the person who will cheer you on the most, never feeling insecure of your successes, instead encouraging you to grow more successful everyday.


One day you will find someone who will aid you to become the best version of yourself. They show you how brave you truly are and give you perspective on the things that have tried to destroy you. They let you fall apart when you need to and help you piece yourself back together again. Their love for you gets you through everything.


One day you will find someone who brings you healing. They take your hand and walk besides you on this path which you think you are completely alone on. They allow you to take in everything around you at your own pace and at your own time. And most importantly they help you to evolve into the person you need to be. They help you become the hero in your own story.


PART 14

The strongest ones, the most confident ones, the ones who look like they have never needed love from anyone but themselves, those are the people that need love the most. You see, they’ve become so good at hiding their hurt, their pain that people simply forget that they too feel just as insecure and vulnerable as everybody else. They’re expected to laugh through their problems because thats what they have always done and the support that they give others is never returned because no one thinks they need it.

They are so used to be everyone else’s rock, everyone else’s crying shoulder, everyone else’s human to turn to, that when it comes to their own pain, they simply bottle it up and put it away. They cry alone, they hurt alone, they never tell anyone about their nightmares or how cruel life is really being because if they do, they’re afraid people will not see them as strong anymore. They are afraid of crumbling in front of anyone else because they do not want to seem weak and broken.

The strongest ones of us need support more than anything in the world because of being strong so very long that when they fall apart, it is not just a human falling to pieces and recovering, it is an avalanche, a volcanic eruption, the amount of pain that you could not imagine possible for a human to hold within themselves. The strongest people, the toughest ones, disguise their tears behind smiles and avert their eyes when in pain once too often.

This is why it is so important to ask “Are you okay?” more than once sometimes, especially from someone who is that strong. This is why it is important to allow our hearts to understand what our minds cannot when we see someone’s smile change, or their eyes show something their demeanor cannot.

The strongest ones of us need support the most. Because when the time comes to rely on someone they don’t know how, they don’t know how to reach out for a hand as they are so used to being the rock for everyone else that hurts.



PART 15

The cruelest thing that someone can do to you is first claim to love you more than anything in the world. That they have never seen anything as exquisite as you. That you are every star in the night sky, you have a love to give sweeter than any they have ever tasted. That they will never leave you, because my goodness, look at what all you have to give, they are content, they are content, they are content. And then one day, out of the blue they do.

The cruelest thing that someone can do to you is lull you into a false sense of security. Convince you that this, this is the forever love you have been looking for. This is the kind of love you needed all this time, the kind of love you have craved and let you get comfortable in it because it will last, it will last, it will last. And then, one day, they wrap all of their love into a bundle and walk away without a second glance back at you.

The cruelest thing someone can do is convince you that you will be enough for them. That there will never be another that makes them feel this way, play with their hair, tease them, make them coffee in the morning just the way they like it, you are a language that has become their mothertongue, and one cannot forget their mothertongue. And then, one day, they forget all about you, like you never existed and you are left with this language in your mouth that no one else speaks.

The cruelest thing someone can do is simply leave without warning after promising you a life together. They take this soft heart of yours and love it until it’s so full only to throw it to the ground and crush it into a million pieces. They take everything you built together and take a hammer to it like it is nothing but a glass house that is meant to be destroyed. This is the cruelest thing that someone can do to you. Disappear without a warning when they swore they would love you.


PART 16

The things that hurt you, that caused you pain do not define you. Nothing that broke you, caused you the most intense damage, deserves the right to define who you are. They are things that happened to you, that evolved you as a person that changed you, but they still do not get the right define your beautiful, brilliant soul which contains a tiny universe as vast as the one you see as endless in the night sky.

What does define you is your survival, your ability to have experienced terrible things and still, found it inside yourself to survive, to have the kind of courage so many would not dream of, to grow wings where yours had been taken and cut down. You are made of beautiful, incredible, impossible things and your trauma does not get to trick you into believing that it is the only thing about you that matters.

The person who you were before damage came for you, that person is long gone and they will not be coming back, but remnants of them remain. Together the damage and the past before it have made you a brand new human, a stronger human, a better human.

You have forged yourself. From the very womb of your sadness, from the womb of your old self, you have come out, borne of heartache and pain. So no. After all that fighting you have done, your trauma does not get to define you, my dear heart.

You are whole despite it. A better, braver, stronger you in every single way.

And believe me, the universe is proud of you, you are fulfilling your purpose here in every single way.



PART 17

I am sorry someone loved you badly, and that they made you feel like you take up more space than you deserve. I am sorry they abandoned you when you need them the most and it has made you believe that love is an awful thing that hurts


PART 18

Ask a woman if size matters, and she will usually say “no”.

However, women who have had sex with a man with a big cock know better. A cock that is larger in girth and length creates a more pleasurable experience for her, if the man it is attached to knows how to use it.

GIven the choice between a large cock and an average cock, a woman will choose a large cock almost every time. Why? Well, here are 4 reasons:

1. Every nerve inside of her pussy is being stimulated at the same time. The vagina has many pressure-sensitive nerve endings that detect sensations of stretching, and these sensors can be finely tuned to detect variations in penis girth. Also, an average-sized cock only stimulates some of these nerve endings as it moves in and out, but a big cock stimulates all of them at the same time. The combination of these 2 can cause a sensory overload, which she loves!

2. She feels a big cock in places deep inside of her. An average cock can only go so deep inside of her, which is usually enough. However, the vagina can accept a much longer cock when she is extremely turned on, and a larger cock reaches places that she is not normally used to feeling.

3. She finds a man with a big cock more attractive than a man with an average or small cock. Knowing that a man with a big cock wants to have sex with her is a turn on for her. She likes that she beats out other women who want to have sex with him.

4. She can orgasm faster and multiple times because the girth stretches her labia and pulls her clitoris closer to her vagina, thus rubbing against his cock with every stroke,



PART 19

What if we could depend on ourselves?
Took responsibility for our actions?

Imagine if we stopped blaming world for our own inadequate efforts.
for not understanding, or being interested

Imagine…

What if we broke from the pattern
We could break from our relationship with pain

Instead of suffering…

We could quit glorifying the anguish, Identifying with it

Quit the perpetual reopening of wounds in need of healing
Instead of scars, and resentment, we could have beauty, and kindness

Meaning…

What if we maintained our wellness,
instead of maintaining the image?

The idea that we are broken,
that we can not fix this.

what if, there were no missing pieces,
and we had everything we needed?

Imagine…


PART 20

Thermodynamic miracles... events with odds against so astronomical they're effectively impossible, like oxygen spontaneously becoming gold. I long to observe such a thing.
And yet, in each human coupling, a thousand million sperm vie for a single egg. Multiply those odds by countless generations, against the odds of your ancestors being alive; meeting; siring this precise son; that exact daughter... Until your mother loves a man she has every reason to hate, and of that union, of the thousand million children competing for fertilization, it was you, only you, that emerged. To distill so specific a form from that chaos of improbability, like turning air to gold... that is the crowning unlikelihood. The thermodynamic miracle.

But...if me, my birth, if that's a thermodynamic miracle... I mean, you could say that about anybody in the world!.

Yes. Anybody in the world. ..But the world is so full of people, so crowded with these miracles that they become commonplace and we forget... I forget. We gaze continually at the world and it grows dull in our perceptions. Yet seen from the another's vantage point. As if new, it may still take our breath away.

FAN: A FAN WRITES TO ME ABOUT HOW MY STORIES MADE HER OPEN MINDED

I didn't know if I should share this post. A fan send it to me recently. She likes reading my sex stories. The stories were just fantasy about cuckolding. She told me those stories made her open minded and was open to the idea. I was shocked. I



Prior to meeting “D”, (my husband) I was a serial monogamist.  I had been cheated on in my previous marriage, and yet I managed to remain faithful even in a bad situation.  I had it in my head that love meant being with one person and one person only…forever.  As it turns out, my new man had desires that would make me question my thoughts and views on this stuff.  

Throughout my life, I’ve always been “that girl” who wouldn’t sleep with a guy unless I thought the relationship was going somewhere.  In order to get sexually turned on, I had to have an emotional connection with someone.  When “D” and I began discussing his desires and fantasies, I did my best to try and change my thoughts and feeling toward sex in general…I thought that I had to somehow become okay with meeting a guy online, going to a hotel room or picking him up at a bar and getting down to business.  This terrified me.  I wanted to make my man happy - I had an incredible drive and desire to make all of his fantasies come true by being the girl he had always wanted - and yet I was riddled with fear and worry over how I could make this happen.  

I read your stories...  and it turned me on. Now, I like “cock” as much as the next girl (maybe more), but I like that cock to be attached to someone who I am attracted to both mentally and physically, otherwise it just doesn’t work for me.  I knew this about myself, but I was also trying to deny it.

So, how was I going to make this whole lifestyle work with the way that I felt about sex?  I wasn’t the type of girl to just go out and give a random stranger a blowjob, or meet a guy  and set up a sex date without even knowing more than his first name - it works for some women, but just not for me.  I was convinced that I needed to either change my views and just “bite the bullet” or I wasn’t cut out for this stuff at all.  Still, I WAS open minded.  I wanted to make my man happy and to turn him on in insane ways.  I was okay with the idea of it, but it had to somehow be on my terms.  I knew that I had it in me somewhere…  

The answer was out there, I just had to find it.  I can’t change who I am to fit into a mold or be something that I’m not - I would never get the personal benefit or any type of gratification from the lifestyle.  I realized that for the Hotwife lifestyle to work for me, I had to look for “playmates” who were willing to put in more than 3 hours on a Saturday night.  I needed to find “playmates” who were okay with getting to know me a little bit before jumping into bed.  I also needed the comfort of a “playmate” who was willing to be a little more romantic and a little less “lets fuck”.   Luckily, there is something out there for everyone in this world, and it’s not impossible (or even that difficult) to find “playmates” who are willing to be “that guy”.  

Yesterday I had a fantastic afternoon with a “playmate”.  It was our third time together and it was by far the best time, because some familiarity had been built.  I was able to be more comfortable, and I was able to have multiple incredible orgasms - which would not have been possible if I was dealing with the nerves associated with meeting a random stranger and having a crazy rendezvous.  I felt wanted, taken care of, safe, and ultimately extremely pleasured by a pretty erotic afternoon encounter.  This was possible because it was on my terms and I found a guy who I was able to get comfortable with.  

I’m not saying that all women are like me and need the romance or comfort from their “playmates”.  What I’m saying is that I know there ARE a lot of women who are like me, and believe that they either have to change who they are to fit into this lifestyle or they say no to the lifestyle all together because they don’t believe it will work for them.  There are a lot of men out there who would really love to have a Hotwife, but are met with resounding “no’s” simply because their wives don’t see how it’s possible to have an encounter with a “playmate” that isn’t strictly “porno sex”.  

If you are a woman (or love a woman) who is thinking about the Hotwife lifestyle, but feels as though you have to concede who you are as a sexual being in order to make things work, I’m here to tell you that you don’t.  You can do things on your terms because you have the power to choose…and you have the power to orchestrate how your “dates” happen.  Be picky.  Choose a “playmate” who is willing to fill whatever role that you need filled in order to be comfortable and satisfied (because, let’s face it, we all want to be able to have those amazing orgasms, right?) - if you want something more detached and focused on sex, then go out and take it, if you need that little bit of extra care, charm and romance, there are “playmates” out there who are happy to do that for you.  As much as this is your man’s fantasy, it’s also your life…so do things on your terms and he will be happier with things in the end.  A happy Hotwife makes a happy man!      

Rules that I found out that helped me

Unbreakable Rules:


1. HONESTY…NEVER lie about ANYTHING.


2. COMMUNICATE…Listen to his needs, after all your husband is letting you fuck other men, the least you could do is listen to and fulfill his sexual needs. My husband is a big dominate man but SEXUALLY loves to be told what I’m going to do & how he can’t pleased me, who I want to fuck & little humiliation is in some cases important to the husband ..so guess what ? That’s what I do. 


3. NEVER become attached to a lover. DON’T let it happen EVER…FOR ANY REASON. If you do you’re an IDIOT.

4. If you have solo sex, return to your husband as soon as you’re finished fucking your stud so that he can have his wife, fresh AND NASTY from her encounter. Be a SLUT !


5.ALWAYS RECONNECT with him immediately after sex with someone else. TRAIN him to want to use you. That way he will encourage you to fuck other men for his satisfaction.


6. SHARE the experience with him. This is for the enhancement of your relationship and for mutually exciting sexual experiences….NOT to make other men feel good. Always make sure your hubby feels INVOLVED and SATISFIED and he will put you on a pedistal and let you be the slut you want to be. If husband not present you must video your time with your stud all the times. Ladies, is very important for your husband to feel satisfied make him go crazy for you. Be the nasty slut he wants you to be.

STORY: HER POINT OF VIEW HIS POINT OF VIEW......CREATING A NEW LIFE

When we’re ready I’ll visit my OB/GYN to have my IUD removed, which is easier done during my monthly period. It being the non-hormonal type, when my time to ovulate comes, about two weeks, I’ll be just as fertile as if I never had it.  As my time nears we’ll begin monitoring my cycle with fertility and ovulation tests. A couple of days prior to my ovulation we’ll begin.  He’ll be excited at fulfilling his manly role of impregnating me and have me on my back again and again, fucking me again and again, cumming inside me again and again. We’ll want to assure it’s standing room only for those millions and millions of little tadpoles he’ll be putting in me to await the arrival of my guest of honor.  His magnificent breeding tool shoots his streams into me at a rate of about 10 miles per, a force which pushes some straight through my cervix and into my uterus, giving them a good start on their journey to my tubes.  Each time I’ll remain on my back for a while, allowing the sperm to pool in the deepest part of my pussy to allow my cervix to sip even more up into my uterus.  And those little guys don’t mess around.  They begin their journey further up into me immediately, a journey of 6-7 inches to where they’ll await the arrival of my egg.  The fastest swimmers can be in my fallopian tubes in as little as 30 minutes. The slower ones may take up to 12 hours.


In time, one of my ovaries will release a single egg and it begins the journey to my uterus via one of my fallopian tubes, where hordes of little spermies await to swarm all over it.  The ones who made their way to the wrong tube are left to just swim around with no guest of honor in sight.

My egg releases a chemical signal which the sperm detect.  The sperm homes in on that chemical signal and swarm toward it, attacking my egg in full force.

They attack my egg enmasse, hundreds and hundreds attaching themselves and desperately trying to penetrate the outer shell.  It may take several hours to succeed and ultimately perform the fertilization.

My egg will change instantaneously to prevent any others getting in.  It’s like a protective shield that clamps down at the instant the first sperm is inside.  My egg will have now been fertilized and it will continue its journey down my fallopian tube to my uterus, a journey of 2-3 days, during which time the cells will divide several times.

By the time it reaches my uterus it will be a blob of about 100 cells and will attach itself to my uterine lining.

When that happens, I will officially be pregnant.  In time my tummy will begin to swell with our baby growing in me.


PART 2



Her pussy was so over sensitive when she was ovulating…  She knew she shouldn’t have taken him bare at this time of month, but she ached to feel the sweet sensations of the warm skin of his cock rubbing inside her tingling pussy walls, the soft spongy head of his cock bumping her cervix, feeling him sliding in and out of her fertile pussy with no barriers.

She knew she should tell him to pull out.  She knew she was taking a huge chance and could get pregnant very easily right now.  She knew….but she didn’t care.

She begged him to cum inside her…to flood her fertile womb with his seed…  He started driving into her harder, and she knew it was only a matter of seconds before she would feel him push in deep, filling her with his hot cum, and likely getting her pregnant.

She knew….and she couldn’t wait to feel it.

THOUGHTS: I AM ADDICTED TO YOU

You don’t look for recognition. You don’t care if they know your name. You don’t listen what they say, what they think, and try to make you understand, for you have understood enough to know, you are not here to make yourself a name. You are not alive to hunt down fame, glory, play prestigious games. You know names are words blown in the wind, written words on the beach about to be washed away by oceans of shame. You are here to love, to worship the one, to mold, create a love which lasts in time and space as a echo in the wind of a happiness which stays, remains in hearts and souls of this beautiful earth. So if they ask, what they rarely do, what you mean with being a man, you kiss your woman, shoulder her gently and smile, before you go.

And you hug, feel, swear, and pledge she will be safe, she will always be seen, always be heard, always be home in your arms. You will help, support, empower, enforce. You will convince with confidence, love with strength, adore with force, so there will never be a doubt, never be a concern, no fear, no worry ever present in her heart. You are her man, her shield, her fortress of faith, her rock and knight in stormy nights, her sun and moon in the dark and cold, her everlasting smile, her all-encompassing peace, her word of truth and reassuring pride, that she is loved, taken, claimed and owned by you, her man, for eternity


Take her into your gentle hands. Look at her with your loving eyes. Embrace her with your strong steady arms, and breathe with her along your stalwart faithful heart, and she will feel the rhythm, the enduring strength. She will feel the safety and the defining force, and all she has to do is to allow this kiss, to allow this love, to give you the chance to love her to the fullest, with utmost clarity, with the reigning pride of a man who found his woman. And all she needs to do is to lay back, be kissed, cherished and caressed in your enclosing passion, be cared for, treasured and worshiped within your uncompromising admiration, be happy, lighthearted, playful and joyful, and you will gladly take care of the rest.



i find you
on a day in summer
sun setting down
casting you in gold
and it isn’t our time

you find me
on a wintry night
with an inch of snow
lips numb, skin cold
and it isn’t our time

i find you
at dawn in spring
grass wet with dew
you’ve grown old
and it isn’t our time

you find me
in autumn at dusk
leaves falling around us
my name in stone
and it isn’t our time






I am addicted to you
My heart knows it
A pleasurable yet fatal fix
A craving that will ultimately destroy me
My sanity washed away
My common sense you’ve burnt it
I am addicted to you 
My soul knows it
You are a toxic craving I cannot let go off
I despise myself for being weak
For making promises to let go I never keep
Shame and euphoria own me equally 
I wish I could quit 
Lose this desire for you and your toxic love 
Lost on the brink of despair 
You’ve taken everything and I have smiled while you’ve stolen every good thing that was mine
I am addicted to you and the worst thing is
You know it

PERSONAL: WHY SEEKING THE ANSWER TO LIFE AND EVERYTHING IS WASTE OF TIME.

All my life, I have been seeking knowledge. I wanted to know everything there ever was to know,  I wanted to understand the cosmology of the universe and the secret of all of life.

You will only know everything when you are dead. I have been reading near dead experience books now for a while ...since my dad passed away.

If you were to be given all of this now, and have all of it placed in your finite mind, it would be like trying to soak up the ocean with a sponge. You would burn every connector in your brain. Because you can’t put the Infinite into a finite container. It’s like plugging too many appliances into a single outlet. Sorry. Overload. Fuse blown. Circuit breaker tripped. This is why it might be a waste of time to try to seek answer to life question. It is a total waste of time. Stop seeking and start living.

Just know that when you need to know anything in particular, you can access it. You can reach into the Akashic Records, the Eternality, the All of It. You, and everyone else, can access all the wisdom, all the understanding, all the truth, all the awareness, all the insight you need when you need it, by inviting your mind to go to the level of Soul, which will then

reach into the Allness of Everything and bring back a particular piece of

information as it serves you to have it. And you will know it clearly when you

see it. There will be no problem of recognition.

THOUGHTS: WHAT WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS WEEK

This year I learned that pain is inevitable. Loved ones will be lost whether it be death or simply growing apart.  People will disappoint you and no matter how much you may love them, sometimes you need to walk away for yourself.  It’s commendable to plan for the future and to visualize the things you want in life. Most likely none of it will happen and life will take you on a journey you never planned for.  The number one lesson I have learned this year though is,  No matter how unbearable the pain may be, love conquers everything and it can be found in the most unexpected places. We just have to be willing to invite it in and give it back. To cherish those who continue to love us even when we feel we don’t deserve it. That kind of love is hard to find and it will leave if it is not nourished, especially the love we need for ourselves


The one lesson I’ve learned this year is, sometimes love doesn’t mean everything to someone as much as you thought it might. There is going to be pain in life. Nothing is a written fairy tale, I’ve learned love is a form of abuse….. it consumes every single part of you and when that person decides they don’t want you anymore, they don’t even dare look back twice……. love doesn’t mean anything….. that’s what I learned this year



PART 2

In the chaos of nothingness I fumbled through with my hands wavering around as if trying to push someone or something away, it was a definite struggle in dark silent night that consumed the world. To anyone passing by, it would have appeared that I was having a gruesome nightmare, for my eyes were closed and my hands and legs were trying so hard to get free as if they’d been tied, yet there was no rope that could be seen. To me however, it was all very much real, I was toiling too hard, it was getting difficult to breathe, and I found I couldn’t make any sound. Silence was always appreciated and welcome but not at that moment. An immediate urge to scream took over me and as I strifed, not a single sound came again. I could see my surroundings but what to make of them I had no idea, seemed to be in some sort of an old warehouse, with blocks spread around. Being unable to move my head it was impossible to see how long or big was this place, it could have been underground too for it didn’t have any windows, faint fluorescent lights glinted which could flicker off any instant it seemed. Chaos ensued inside me, or was it outside, it was not easy to comprehend I guess. It was an abyss I was slowly sinking into without any hope of being pulled out it would appear. Catastrophic I guess, a sad tragedy probably.

Too overwhelmed with the surroundings I slumped into a heap, as an ear splitting scream escaped my lips, deafening my own self.



PART 3

You want her to dream, to dwell, to be carefree. You want her safe, warm, striving in timeless beauty. You want her to feel, to widen, to expand in sweet fulfilling lightheartedness. You want her to bloom, to prosper, to fly in fearless imaginations, ravishing longings, deepening wants and expanding desires. You want her to forget, overcome, deny all worries, only sense, crave granted satisfactions. You simply want to bestow paradise upon her, every day, every hour, every second. This is your selfish desire, your narcissistic dream, your egoistic need, your woman surrounded by love and nothing but love, your love inside out.



PART 4

If I could, I’d lightly press my lips to yours, trail kisses down your neck, run my fingers through your hair, let you move your hands freely across my body, till we relinquish all restraint.

But I am too proud to beg, too proud to admit that all these fantasies I feed, I feed alone.

‘Cause if you could, you’d lightly press your lips to hers, not mine, trail kisses down her neck, not mine, run your fingers through her hair, not mine, move your hands freely across her body, not mine.

But you are too proud to beg, too proud to admit that all these fantasies you feed, you feed alone.

When you reach for me, I don’t resist.

If I could, I’d push you away, say “I deserve better!”, instead I pretend not to hear when you whisper her name.

(I am too proud to beg, too proud to admit that all these fantasies I feed, I feed alone.)

We relinquish all restraint, one fantasy chasing another, an endless game of tag.




PART 6

I’ll admit. It’s been a rough couple of months for me.

Again. And again. And again.

I orbited my whole life around you. And regardless of whether it was right or wrong, I existed that way. I felt like it was you who made me exist. I saw beauty in things that caused me pain. I locked myself to you with no intention of letting you go. I became so narrow that I forgot to let you feed yourself first. It led to pain. The key I had fit tightly into my heart wrenched itself out, slowly, day by day, until I was left with a cavern in my chest which screamed how alone I was. You were what my heart always felt but you swiftly tore it away, even worse, when I was already dying. I tried to grasp the sinews of my body, holding them together in the light of fire and blood and tears and darkness of your absence but I do not know. I did but, I don’t know if I ever returned to my body, most nights I can’t fall asleep because of you; I have not yet healed from the shock of losing a friendship I ever needed.

It all happened so fast.

I still need you but hate you.



PART 7

i loved you endlessly, submissively.

you could’ve molded me into whatever you wanted me to be, and i would’ve lost myself, just like that.

just to find you as in love with me as i was in love with you.

but you chose the prettier, softer, less opinionated one, and i still love you, more than i ever would’ve.

i am indebted to you endlessly, submissively

for leaving my identity the fuck alone.




PART 8

Why i even think that people will suddenly come into my life and will want to accept me as i am, mend my pieces and solve my unsolved puzzle. I am broken, my pieces are scattered around like unsolved puzzle and finally when i find one piece to fit and solve the puzzle i start hoping, start hoping that someone will finally lend me a hand and finally my puzzle will be solved, my pieces will finally be whole again but at the end all i am left with is me and my unsolved pieces, scattered far far away from each other



PART 9

I hope we last. I hope we do.

But if we don’t, this is how I want you to remember me:

I want you to remember me curled up, listening to the sound of your heartbeat and tracing maps across your skin. Remember me laughing at your jokes, even the stupid ones. Remember me in hysterics for absolutely no reason and in tears because one time you made me so sad neither of us thought I’d recover. Remember me brave, that time you held my hand and I thought I was going to die; remember me scared and gentle and delicate and breakable - only for you though, only for you.

Remember me happy, and all the ridiculous ways I tried to get your attention. Remember the way I was too stubborn to talk to you and how absolutely insane it drove the both of us. Remember all the firsts and how they were so delightful we went back for seconds and thirds and fourths. Remember the songs you couldn’t stop listening to and the childish dreams you allowed yourself about the future. If it’s any consolation I allowed myself to have them too.

If it comes to it I don’t want you to remember the ending.

Remember the beginning. Remember the first time you knew




PART 10

We tear each other apart and call it love. Condemn the hearts that we used to hold in the palms of our hands; call each other selfish, call each other cold. We’re both equally cruel. We know each other too well. I think. Or we don’t know each other at all.

At night, we fall asleep hungry. Our bodies spaced far apart on the bed. Sometimes I feel you breathe beside me and wonder whether the space between your ribs is the same as when we met. Sometimes I miss your arms, draped over my chest, the sound of your quiet inhale exhale as you bury your face in my neck. Sometimes I wonder how we got here.

In the morning you have coffee and I have tea. The war seems quiet. But I know that war is never quiet. I love you. I want to say. Your eyes are like ice. I love you. I want to scream in your face. I love you and it’s killing me because I can see how this is going to end. I loved you. I loved you. I whisper it under my breath. I hope you never forget how much I fucking loved you




PART 11


She wraps her legs around your waist.

She whispers in your ear.

“Stay.”

This is your cue to kiss her. Wrap your fingers in her hair; enclose them around her neck. Hard. Just hard enough to feel her pulse, the quiet beat beat beating.

She won’t always be this vulnerable, this open. Right now her trust is in the palm of your hand.

This is your cue to pull her closer.

Place a gentle thumb on her bottom lip and breathe. “Stay, stay, stay” she says.

Tell her you will. Tell her: “okay




PART 12

I want you to know that -

i. It doesn’t matter that we ended. Life moves on. People forget. Friends become strangers. The ones that you love(d) change.

ii. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love you. I did. In my own convoluted, messy way. I did.

iii. I’m sorry I couldn’t heal the wounds in your chest, I tried. I’m sorry for creating them. I never knew that I was capable of hurting anyone like that until I hurt you.

iv. But… I know that war is never one sided. Sometimes, sometimes I feel like I lost a limb in that battle too.

v. When it comes down to it, I’m grateful for our moments of silence, our moments of peace, interspersed with laughter. I’m grateful for your kindness.

vi. Maybe I’ll never stop writing about you.  

vii. But you should probably stop reading what I write.

viii. The truth is that some nights I still feel unbearable. But I’m getting there, I’m getting there. Most days now, I feel alright.





PART 13

I wish we could hurry up get through this bullshit of being apart and start our lives together. Instead of snuggling your hoodie and laying my head on your pillow with my tears covering it, I wish I was snuggling you with my head on your chest because I sleep so much better with you. Instead of falling asleep on the phone, I wish I was falling asleep to your kisses. Instead of waking up to your text, I wish I was waking up to your perfect little smile. Instead of your tooth brush sitting in the holder in the same spot where you left it, I wish I was yelling at you because you left it out on the counter. Instead of my floor being clean, I wish it was covered with your clothes because you never pick up after yourself. Instead, of eating pizza rolls and having them all to myself, I wish I was able to give you the last one because I know you really want it. Instead of having my whole bathroom to get ready, I wish you were kicking me out and making me use the small mirror so you can use the big one (even though you don’t need it because you are already beautiful without makeup) I wish we were arguing over the remote and who gets to pick what show we watch. Instead of eating whatever I want for dinner, I wish we were taking hours trying to decide what to eat since you always say “i don’t care” Instead of having my bed to myself, I wish I was sharing it with you and falling off the edge since you take up so much space. In stead of being apart I wish I was there or you were here. Instead of being  miles apart I wish we were getting on each other’s nerves from being together so much. I wish I was with you, living our dysfunctional but yet perfect life together



PART 14

Something that makes me happy is listening to Sleeping At Last music and thinking about how in love I am with life and people. It makes me feel like I can fly, lifted above circumstance with no worries left in me. I can’t wait to travel and breathe the air of foreign places and see the faces of people so different from me and still just like me, listening to the sounds of streets I don’t know, the sounds of life and people bustling around almost discordantly but surely sincerely, watching my horizons broaden and feeling the Earth spin around. It’s just wonderful, being passionately in love with living and this world and places I want to go and people I’ve yet to meet. What a beautiful thing it is to be alive