THOUGHTS; SO MANY THOUGHTS......THERMODYNAMIC MIRCALES

They want me to talk about you again, like you are a photograph that can be reached in arms length. You’re not. You are miles away; buried in the core of the darkest place in my memory. They want me to remember your apple scented white polo shirt when you held my hand that afternoon; begging me to give you a chance. They want to hear your voice again because lately, I’m not sleeping early because there’s comfort from the songs you gave; which intoxicate my insomnia more. They want me to go home but I told them home is no longer you. My heart, my bones, my veins and artery, my head, my soul they missed you again. But I will keep saying no. Because they have to know, you no longer care


PART 2

If you lose interest in someone, tell them.

If you’re not looking for a relationship, tell the person you’re seeing.

If you’re thinking of ghosting someone, tell them.

If you can’t handle meeting up with someone after all, tell them.

If you’re terrible at responding to messages, tell people.

If you prefer talking in person to texting, tell people.

If you’re seeing several people at the same time, tell them.

If you’re looking for sex rather than dating, tell the person you’re seeing.

It is not difficult to be a decent and honest, open, communicative human being. Respect those whom you interact with and have relationships with by telling the truth instead of leading them on or being deceitful.



PART 3

Insecure men don’t like to admit that they need to get better at anything; admitting that we are imperfect creates a cognitive dissonance that resonates within our minds, and irritates the soul. It’s easier to bury the realization, and paper it over with the facade of machismo.

And I am nothing if not an insecure man. Confronting my own insecurities is scary because it clashes with how I want to view myself - and how I want to believe my partner views me. It was only once I truly embraced the idea that I am, and forever will be, a DEEPLY flawed human being that I was ever able to really begin to grow.

For once I embraced that I was imperfect, I became obsessed with doing everything within my power to erase those imperfections. Not instantly, but gradually, by trying to be one percent better every day. I’ll never truly succeed of course, because perfect is an inherently subjective construct, but at least by accepting that I am weak, and flawed, and imperfect, I have allowed myself the freedom to pursue greatness.

As a dominant that freedom to accept that I am all of these things, is how I show my strength





PART 4

There is something deeply comforting about the vastness of space. No matter how big our problems are, no matter how large they seem to us, to the universe we aren’t even blips on its radar. We exist so briefly that for the universe we are a millisecond of a milliseconds worth of existence. Whenever I gaze at the stars and then look back at my greatest problem of the day, suddenly everything seems so very small and so very insignificant. We get a millisecond of a milliseconds worth of life. Why not spend as much of that as we can trying to be happy and doing the things we love instead of making ourselves ache?


PART 5


Sometimes people choose each other out of hunger mistaking it for love. And no matter how much love they try to feed each other, the hunger only grows and grows, until they have nothing left to devour but each other



PART 6

I am done letting you grind my heart to powder to get high on the love I have for you, just to leave again searching for something better. I am not a habit for you to turn to on bad days, I am the healing you so desperately need and cannot see.


PART 7


It’s not me, it’s you. I am not going to sit here and pretend the problem was me when very clearly it was you. You don’t get to treat me like I am nothing but a fire you need to warm your hands by only to douse it out when the time has come to leave. I am not a glass of water for you to drink from and throw the rest into the sink. You don’t get to spread a wildfire in my heart, burn this forest I have tended so carefully to the ground and walk away with a slap on the wrist like “it’s not you, it’s me”. I am better than that, I am the healing you desperately needed but chose not to see. So forgive me for saying what needs to be said here, it was unequivocally, a hundred percent you, not an ounce of this was on me


PART 8

First you count the stars that died to bring you to life by listening to your heartbeat, Then you close your eyes and feel the nebulae moving slowly in your blood, Then you feel the universe brimming through the thoughts in your mind. And slowly you count your eyelashes like they are constellations, as you finally recognise the fabric of your soul under your skin

PART 9

You meet someone as deep as the sea, and just when you spend a lifetime figuring them out, you find out there are still massive lakes to explore that exist under that sea


PART 10

I am teaching myself how to take up space. How to not apologise constantly for the way I live and breathe. How an apology isn’t something I am supposed to say before I speak in a conversation. How  I’m so sorry, isn’t something I have to say before I just allow myself the basic right of speaking about anything.

I am teaching myself that I am allowed to exist on this planet without thinking of myself as a burden. How to not apologise for things that are out of my control. How to understand when people are trying to manipulate me into thinking the worst of myself and most of all how to stop thinking the very worst of myself as I deserve better than that from myself.


I am teaching myself that humans can exist without assuming the very worst about themselves and how the people around them perceive them. How to not apologise when someone bumps into me and I immidiately assume it is my fault. How to not apologise when I ask a question because I think others will think I am stupid. How to love myself for these flawed bits of me no one has ever wanted to love before.


I am teaching myself that all the lies my abusers told me about myself were so very wrong. How I am allowed to make mistakes. How as long as I apologise and amend things, anything is fixable if I still have love in my heart for the other person. How not everything that has ever gone wrong in every relationship is my fault.


I am finally learning how to take up space as a human being. It’s taken a long, long road to get here. And I still have a very long way to go before I am done understanding that it is my job to take up space, that I am not just an afterthought or a secondary character in this gift of life I have been given. That who I am is not an apology, that who I am is not wrong.




PART 11

However difficult you think you are, there is someone out there who will love you.

They will hold your hand through your anxiety. They will be there for you even on your worst, angriest days. They will allow you to grow and evolve in the way you need. And even when you make mistakes, they will take the time to understand you and forgive you.

Love is not a thing that needs to be earned by changing yourself from the person you are. You can better yourself, but never ever think you need to better yourself for anyone other than yourself. Those kind of changes never last.

This is the kind of love you deserve. This is the kind of love you need. No one is too difficult to love when they have love in their hearts to give to others. Please don’t believe whoever told you that you will never find the love you need, not even yourself. Don’t tell yourself that changing who you are will get you the love you need. Because this you, all raw, all broken is still beautiful, is incredibly wonderful to someone.

Believe in yourself. You are not too difficult to love.

And you deserve love. Just like this. Just as you are.




PART 12

To say it was painful is an understatement. To say that you hurt me is an even bigger understatement. The truth is, if you had left a dozen stab wounds on my body, the way you did to my mind and heart, you would be imprisoned but no one ever imprisons anyone for the near-fatal crime of breaking someone’s heart. It took me years to get over you. It took me days to simply pull myself together and lead a normal life. It took so long that the pain began to feel like second nature to me, it began to feel like it was consumption rather than just heartbreak.


And still, as I sit here writing this, I want to say thank you. You were the universe’s present, wisdom in the form of a human, sent to me at just the right time, to tell me how much I need to evolve and grow and become someone who I am proud of. I needed to have my heart broken this badly. I needed to be hurt this much to know how deeply I feel, how much I truly can love. I needed to breathe and feel the pain to this extent. You gave me this and for that I am forever grateful. You have changed me as a human, fundamentally and forever.


So wherever you are, despite the pain you caused me, I hope nothing but the best for you. I want to thank you for the heartbreak. I want to thank you for being a lesson to me in so many ways. I want to thank you for the damage you did to me. Because without that damage I do not think I would be the very best version of me. The me I see and feel today.




PART 13

One day you will find someone who doesn’t look at you and see only the broken pieces. Instead they will see the light that shines through those cracks. They will help you grow flowers within those pieces of you that you assume will never live or breathe or grow again.


One day you will find someone who doesn’t allow you to see only the worst in yourself. Instead they will show you the same reflection in the mirror that you have come to hate so much and show you the flecks of gold that you have constantly missed seeing in your own eyes, the beauty of your soul as it resides inside your face, the softness inside your heart that glows so beautifully through.


One day you will find someone who shows you that everything that scares you can be defeated. They stand by you and hand you the weapons that will defeat your demons, never once trying to fix you, instead giving you the confidence that you can and you will fix yourself. They are the person who will cheer you on the most, never feeling insecure of your successes, instead encouraging you to grow more successful everyday.


One day you will find someone who will aid you to become the best version of yourself. They show you how brave you truly are and give you perspective on the things that have tried to destroy you. They let you fall apart when you need to and help you piece yourself back together again. Their love for you gets you through everything.


One day you will find someone who brings you healing. They take your hand and walk besides you on this path which you think you are completely alone on. They allow you to take in everything around you at your own pace and at your own time. And most importantly they help you to evolve into the person you need to be. They help you become the hero in your own story.


PART 14

The strongest ones, the most confident ones, the ones who look like they have never needed love from anyone but themselves, those are the people that need love the most. You see, they’ve become so good at hiding their hurt, their pain that people simply forget that they too feel just as insecure and vulnerable as everybody else. They’re expected to laugh through their problems because thats what they have always done and the support that they give others is never returned because no one thinks they need it.

They are so used to be everyone else’s rock, everyone else’s crying shoulder, everyone else’s human to turn to, that when it comes to their own pain, they simply bottle it up and put it away. They cry alone, they hurt alone, they never tell anyone about their nightmares or how cruel life is really being because if they do, they’re afraid people will not see them as strong anymore. They are afraid of crumbling in front of anyone else because they do not want to seem weak and broken.

The strongest ones of us need support more than anything in the world because of being strong so very long that when they fall apart, it is not just a human falling to pieces and recovering, it is an avalanche, a volcanic eruption, the amount of pain that you could not imagine possible for a human to hold within themselves. The strongest people, the toughest ones, disguise their tears behind smiles and avert their eyes when in pain once too often.

This is why it is so important to ask “Are you okay?” more than once sometimes, especially from someone who is that strong. This is why it is important to allow our hearts to understand what our minds cannot when we see someone’s smile change, or their eyes show something their demeanor cannot.

The strongest ones of us need support the most. Because when the time comes to rely on someone they don’t know how, they don’t know how to reach out for a hand as they are so used to being the rock for everyone else that hurts.



PART 15

The cruelest thing that someone can do to you is first claim to love you more than anything in the world. That they have never seen anything as exquisite as you. That you are every star in the night sky, you have a love to give sweeter than any they have ever tasted. That they will never leave you, because my goodness, look at what all you have to give, they are content, they are content, they are content. And then one day, out of the blue they do.

The cruelest thing that someone can do to you is lull you into a false sense of security. Convince you that this, this is the forever love you have been looking for. This is the kind of love you needed all this time, the kind of love you have craved and let you get comfortable in it because it will last, it will last, it will last. And then, one day, they wrap all of their love into a bundle and walk away without a second glance back at you.

The cruelest thing someone can do is convince you that you will be enough for them. That there will never be another that makes them feel this way, play with their hair, tease them, make them coffee in the morning just the way they like it, you are a language that has become their mothertongue, and one cannot forget their mothertongue. And then, one day, they forget all about you, like you never existed and you are left with this language in your mouth that no one else speaks.

The cruelest thing someone can do is simply leave without warning after promising you a life together. They take this soft heart of yours and love it until it’s so full only to throw it to the ground and crush it into a million pieces. They take everything you built together and take a hammer to it like it is nothing but a glass house that is meant to be destroyed. This is the cruelest thing that someone can do to you. Disappear without a warning when they swore they would love you.


PART 16

The things that hurt you, that caused you pain do not define you. Nothing that broke you, caused you the most intense damage, deserves the right to define who you are. They are things that happened to you, that evolved you as a person that changed you, but they still do not get the right define your beautiful, brilliant soul which contains a tiny universe as vast as the one you see as endless in the night sky.

What does define you is your survival, your ability to have experienced terrible things and still, found it inside yourself to survive, to have the kind of courage so many would not dream of, to grow wings where yours had been taken and cut down. You are made of beautiful, incredible, impossible things and your trauma does not get to trick you into believing that it is the only thing about you that matters.

The person who you were before damage came for you, that person is long gone and they will not be coming back, but remnants of them remain. Together the damage and the past before it have made you a brand new human, a stronger human, a better human.

You have forged yourself. From the very womb of your sadness, from the womb of your old self, you have come out, borne of heartache and pain. So no. After all that fighting you have done, your trauma does not get to define you, my dear heart.

You are whole despite it. A better, braver, stronger you in every single way.

And believe me, the universe is proud of you, you are fulfilling your purpose here in every single way.



PART 17

I am sorry someone loved you badly, and that they made you feel like you take up more space than you deserve. I am sorry they abandoned you when you need them the most and it has made you believe that love is an awful thing that hurts


PART 18

Ask a woman if size matters, and she will usually say “no”.

However, women who have had sex with a man with a big cock know better. A cock that is larger in girth and length creates a more pleasurable experience for her, if the man it is attached to knows how to use it.

GIven the choice between a large cock and an average cock, a woman will choose a large cock almost every time. Why? Well, here are 4 reasons:

1. Every nerve inside of her pussy is being stimulated at the same time. The vagina has many pressure-sensitive nerve endings that detect sensations of stretching, and these sensors can be finely tuned to detect variations in penis girth. Also, an average-sized cock only stimulates some of these nerve endings as it moves in and out, but a big cock stimulates all of them at the same time. The combination of these 2 can cause a sensory overload, which she loves!

2. She feels a big cock in places deep inside of her. An average cock can only go so deep inside of her, which is usually enough. However, the vagina can accept a much longer cock when she is extremely turned on, and a larger cock reaches places that she is not normally used to feeling.

3. She finds a man with a big cock more attractive than a man with an average or small cock. Knowing that a man with a big cock wants to have sex with her is a turn on for her. She likes that she beats out other women who want to have sex with him.

4. She can orgasm faster and multiple times because the girth stretches her labia and pulls her clitoris closer to her vagina, thus rubbing against his cock with every stroke,



PART 19

What if we could depend on ourselves?
Took responsibility for our actions?

Imagine if we stopped blaming world for our own inadequate efforts.
for not understanding, or being interested

Imagine…

What if we broke from the pattern
We could break from our relationship with pain

Instead of suffering…

We could quit glorifying the anguish, Identifying with it

Quit the perpetual reopening of wounds in need of healing
Instead of scars, and resentment, we could have beauty, and kindness

Meaning…

What if we maintained our wellness,
instead of maintaining the image?

The idea that we are broken,
that we can not fix this.

what if, there were no missing pieces,
and we had everything we needed?

Imagine…


PART 20

Thermodynamic miracles... events with odds against so astronomical they're effectively impossible, like oxygen spontaneously becoming gold. I long to observe such a thing.
And yet, in each human coupling, a thousand million sperm vie for a single egg. Multiply those odds by countless generations, against the odds of your ancestors being alive; meeting; siring this precise son; that exact daughter... Until your mother loves a man she has every reason to hate, and of that union, of the thousand million children competing for fertilization, it was you, only you, that emerged. To distill so specific a form from that chaos of improbability, like turning air to gold... that is the crowning unlikelihood. The thermodynamic miracle.

But...if me, my birth, if that's a thermodynamic miracle... I mean, you could say that about anybody in the world!.

Yes. Anybody in the world. ..But the world is so full of people, so crowded with these miracles that they become commonplace and we forget... I forget. We gaze continually at the world and it grows dull in our perceptions. Yet seen from the another's vantage point. As if new, it may still take our breath away.