THOUGHTS: WHAT WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS WEEK

This year I learned that pain is inevitable. Loved ones will be lost whether it be death or simply growing apart.  People will disappoint you and no matter how much you may love them, sometimes you need to walk away for yourself.  It’s commendable to plan for the future and to visualize the things you want in life. Most likely none of it will happen and life will take you on a journey you never planned for.  The number one lesson I have learned this year though is,  No matter how unbearable the pain may be, love conquers everything and it can be found in the most unexpected places. We just have to be willing to invite it in and give it back. To cherish those who continue to love us even when we feel we don’t deserve it. That kind of love is hard to find and it will leave if it is not nourished, especially the love we need for ourselves


The one lesson I’ve learned this year is, sometimes love doesn’t mean everything to someone as much as you thought it might. There is going to be pain in life. Nothing is a written fairy tale, I’ve learned love is a form of abuse….. it consumes every single part of you and when that person decides they don’t want you anymore, they don’t even dare look back twice……. love doesn’t mean anything….. that’s what I learned this year



PART 2

In the chaos of nothingness I fumbled through with my hands wavering around as if trying to push someone or something away, it was a definite struggle in dark silent night that consumed the world. To anyone passing by, it would have appeared that I was having a gruesome nightmare, for my eyes were closed and my hands and legs were trying so hard to get free as if they’d been tied, yet there was no rope that could be seen. To me however, it was all very much real, I was toiling too hard, it was getting difficult to breathe, and I found I couldn’t make any sound. Silence was always appreciated and welcome but not at that moment. An immediate urge to scream took over me and as I strifed, not a single sound came again. I could see my surroundings but what to make of them I had no idea, seemed to be in some sort of an old warehouse, with blocks spread around. Being unable to move my head it was impossible to see how long or big was this place, it could have been underground too for it didn’t have any windows, faint fluorescent lights glinted which could flicker off any instant it seemed. Chaos ensued inside me, or was it outside, it was not easy to comprehend I guess. It was an abyss I was slowly sinking into without any hope of being pulled out it would appear. Catastrophic I guess, a sad tragedy probably.

Too overwhelmed with the surroundings I slumped into a heap, as an ear splitting scream escaped my lips, deafening my own self.



PART 3

You want her to dream, to dwell, to be carefree. You want her safe, warm, striving in timeless beauty. You want her to feel, to widen, to expand in sweet fulfilling lightheartedness. You want her to bloom, to prosper, to fly in fearless imaginations, ravishing longings, deepening wants and expanding desires. You want her to forget, overcome, deny all worries, only sense, crave granted satisfactions. You simply want to bestow paradise upon her, every day, every hour, every second. This is your selfish desire, your narcissistic dream, your egoistic need, your woman surrounded by love and nothing but love, your love inside out.



PART 4

If I could, I’d lightly press my lips to yours, trail kisses down your neck, run my fingers through your hair, let you move your hands freely across my body, till we relinquish all restraint.

But I am too proud to beg, too proud to admit that all these fantasies I feed, I feed alone.

‘Cause if you could, you’d lightly press your lips to hers, not mine, trail kisses down her neck, not mine, run your fingers through her hair, not mine, move your hands freely across her body, not mine.

But you are too proud to beg, too proud to admit that all these fantasies you feed, you feed alone.

When you reach for me, I don’t resist.

If I could, I’d push you away, say “I deserve better!”, instead I pretend not to hear when you whisper her name.

(I am too proud to beg, too proud to admit that all these fantasies I feed, I feed alone.)

We relinquish all restraint, one fantasy chasing another, an endless game of tag.




PART 6

I’ll admit. It’s been a rough couple of months for me.

Again. And again. And again.

I orbited my whole life around you. And regardless of whether it was right or wrong, I existed that way. I felt like it was you who made me exist. I saw beauty in things that caused me pain. I locked myself to you with no intention of letting you go. I became so narrow that I forgot to let you feed yourself first. It led to pain. The key I had fit tightly into my heart wrenched itself out, slowly, day by day, until I was left with a cavern in my chest which screamed how alone I was. You were what my heart always felt but you swiftly tore it away, even worse, when I was already dying. I tried to grasp the sinews of my body, holding them together in the light of fire and blood and tears and darkness of your absence but I do not know. I did but, I don’t know if I ever returned to my body, most nights I can’t fall asleep because of you; I have not yet healed from the shock of losing a friendship I ever needed.

It all happened so fast.

I still need you but hate you.



PART 7

i loved you endlessly, submissively.

you could’ve molded me into whatever you wanted me to be, and i would’ve lost myself, just like that.

just to find you as in love with me as i was in love with you.

but you chose the prettier, softer, less opinionated one, and i still love you, more than i ever would’ve.

i am indebted to you endlessly, submissively

for leaving my identity the fuck alone.




PART 8

Why i even think that people will suddenly come into my life and will want to accept me as i am, mend my pieces and solve my unsolved puzzle. I am broken, my pieces are scattered around like unsolved puzzle and finally when i find one piece to fit and solve the puzzle i start hoping, start hoping that someone will finally lend me a hand and finally my puzzle will be solved, my pieces will finally be whole again but at the end all i am left with is me and my unsolved pieces, scattered far far away from each other



PART 9

I hope we last. I hope we do.

But if we don’t, this is how I want you to remember me:

I want you to remember me curled up, listening to the sound of your heartbeat and tracing maps across your skin. Remember me laughing at your jokes, even the stupid ones. Remember me in hysterics for absolutely no reason and in tears because one time you made me so sad neither of us thought I’d recover. Remember me brave, that time you held my hand and I thought I was going to die; remember me scared and gentle and delicate and breakable - only for you though, only for you.

Remember me happy, and all the ridiculous ways I tried to get your attention. Remember the way I was too stubborn to talk to you and how absolutely insane it drove the both of us. Remember all the firsts and how they were so delightful we went back for seconds and thirds and fourths. Remember the songs you couldn’t stop listening to and the childish dreams you allowed yourself about the future. If it’s any consolation I allowed myself to have them too.

If it comes to it I don’t want you to remember the ending.

Remember the beginning. Remember the first time you knew




PART 10

We tear each other apart and call it love. Condemn the hearts that we used to hold in the palms of our hands; call each other selfish, call each other cold. We’re both equally cruel. We know each other too well. I think. Or we don’t know each other at all.

At night, we fall asleep hungry. Our bodies spaced far apart on the bed. Sometimes I feel you breathe beside me and wonder whether the space between your ribs is the same as when we met. Sometimes I miss your arms, draped over my chest, the sound of your quiet inhale exhale as you bury your face in my neck. Sometimes I wonder how we got here.

In the morning you have coffee and I have tea. The war seems quiet. But I know that war is never quiet. I love you. I want to say. Your eyes are like ice. I love you. I want to scream in your face. I love you and it’s killing me because I can see how this is going to end. I loved you. I loved you. I whisper it under my breath. I hope you never forget how much I fucking loved you




PART 11


She wraps her legs around your waist.

She whispers in your ear.

“Stay.”

This is your cue to kiss her. Wrap your fingers in her hair; enclose them around her neck. Hard. Just hard enough to feel her pulse, the quiet beat beat beating.

She won’t always be this vulnerable, this open. Right now her trust is in the palm of your hand.

This is your cue to pull her closer.

Place a gentle thumb on her bottom lip and breathe. “Stay, stay, stay” she says.

Tell her you will. Tell her: “okay




PART 12

I want you to know that -

i. It doesn’t matter that we ended. Life moves on. People forget. Friends become strangers. The ones that you love(d) change.

ii. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love you. I did. In my own convoluted, messy way. I did.

iii. I’m sorry I couldn’t heal the wounds in your chest, I tried. I’m sorry for creating them. I never knew that I was capable of hurting anyone like that until I hurt you.

iv. But… I know that war is never one sided. Sometimes, sometimes I feel like I lost a limb in that battle too.

v. When it comes down to it, I’m grateful for our moments of silence, our moments of peace, interspersed with laughter. I’m grateful for your kindness.

vi. Maybe I’ll never stop writing about you.  

vii. But you should probably stop reading what I write.

viii. The truth is that some nights I still feel unbearable. But I’m getting there, I’m getting there. Most days now, I feel alright.





PART 13

I wish we could hurry up get through this bullshit of being apart and start our lives together. Instead of snuggling your hoodie and laying my head on your pillow with my tears covering it, I wish I was snuggling you with my head on your chest because I sleep so much better with you. Instead of falling asleep on the phone, I wish I was falling asleep to your kisses. Instead of waking up to your text, I wish I was waking up to your perfect little smile. Instead of your tooth brush sitting in the holder in the same spot where you left it, I wish I was yelling at you because you left it out on the counter. Instead of my floor being clean, I wish it was covered with your clothes because you never pick up after yourself. Instead, of eating pizza rolls and having them all to myself, I wish I was able to give you the last one because I know you really want it. Instead of having my whole bathroom to get ready, I wish you were kicking me out and making me use the small mirror so you can use the big one (even though you don’t need it because you are already beautiful without makeup) I wish we were arguing over the remote and who gets to pick what show we watch. Instead of eating whatever I want for dinner, I wish we were taking hours trying to decide what to eat since you always say “i don’t care” Instead of having my bed to myself, I wish I was sharing it with you and falling off the edge since you take up so much space. In stead of being apart I wish I was there or you were here. Instead of being  miles apart I wish we were getting on each other’s nerves from being together so much. I wish I was with you, living our dysfunctional but yet perfect life together



PART 14

Something that makes me happy is listening to Sleeping At Last music and thinking about how in love I am with life and people. It makes me feel like I can fly, lifted above circumstance with no worries left in me. I can’t wait to travel and breathe the air of foreign places and see the faces of people so different from me and still just like me, listening to the sounds of streets I don’t know, the sounds of life and people bustling around almost discordantly but surely sincerely, watching my horizons broaden and feeling the Earth spin around. It’s just wonderful, being passionately in love with living and this world and places I want to go and people I’ve yet to meet. What a beautiful thing it is to be alive