This is for all the nice guys like myself.This is dedicated to those guys who hold open doors. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style. This is for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on and what I have learned the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of date-able men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete jerk now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys like myself. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, insane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, and my acknowledgment, go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
DATING/LOVE: WHEN I HEAR SOMEONE'S HEART BREAKING
When I hear from someone who is going through a romantic breakup, my heart truly breaks for them. Someone they loved is no longer theirs to love and the sadness in their words tells of, not only hearbreak, but a loss of self as well. It seems that one cannot go through a romantic loss without feeling that it's their fault, or that something is wrong with them. Before going any further, let's put an end to that myth immediately. People of all weights, heights, classes, looks and sizes have people who love them. There is no one "mold" that love-worthy people are cut from. Anyone who would insist on someone fitting into a certain mold isn't worth your time, let alone your heart. (More times than not, they aren't exactly cut from Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie's cloth, either!)
In general, breakups happen because the two simply can't find happiness together. Either one or the other realizes that they aren't a perfect match and they decide that it's time to move on. Often they move on, emotionally, long before they move on physically. Aloofness, coldness, a tendency to start arguments are all signs of someone beginning to pull away.
Even though it can be the hardest thing in the world to do, you have to let them go. If you plus him or her do not add up to both of you being happy, the equation isn't meant to be. For your own sake, as well as theirs, let go and move on - allowing them to do the same. The man or woman of your dreams may be just around the corner waiting for you. If you don't move on, you'll never find them!
How do you deal with the sadness in the meantime? First of all, stop kicking yourself. You are worthy of being loved! This particular relationship failed, you didn't. Learn from this lesson and move past it. Don't keep thinking about this person, by doing so you're just giving them more and more power to hurt you.
There's a great saying, "If you want a certain trait, act as though you all ready have it." I can't overstate how much truth lies in these words. Act as though you've moved on, and before you know it - you will have moved on. When you see this person in public, don't look at them waiting for them to see you or speak - just go about your business, smile and live your life. Life's too short and precious not to be lived with a smile on your face.
Whatever you do, don't let thoughts of making this person jealous, or thoughts of bitterness enter into your mind. You're much better than that! Just keep saying, "I'm moving on." Pretty soon, you will have done just that.
Above all, remember, love will come around again. But if you're looking back you'll miss it! Look forward, wear your best smile, and concentrate on getting the most from life. This sort of mentality and lifestyle will attract the sort of person you need in your life. The sort of person who'll make you smile so much your face hurts. He or she is out there waiting for you, maybe even going through what you're going through right now. The sooner you move on, the sooner you'll find real, lasting love. You deserve it!
In general, breakups happen because the two simply can't find happiness together. Either one or the other realizes that they aren't a perfect match and they decide that it's time to move on. Often they move on, emotionally, long before they move on physically. Aloofness, coldness, a tendency to start arguments are all signs of someone beginning to pull away.
Even though it can be the hardest thing in the world to do, you have to let them go. If you plus him or her do not add up to both of you being happy, the equation isn't meant to be. For your own sake, as well as theirs, let go and move on - allowing them to do the same. The man or woman of your dreams may be just around the corner waiting for you. If you don't move on, you'll never find them!
How do you deal with the sadness in the meantime? First of all, stop kicking yourself. You are worthy of being loved! This particular relationship failed, you didn't. Learn from this lesson and move past it. Don't keep thinking about this person, by doing so you're just giving them more and more power to hurt you.
There's a great saying, "If you want a certain trait, act as though you all ready have it." I can't overstate how much truth lies in these words. Act as though you've moved on, and before you know it - you will have moved on. When you see this person in public, don't look at them waiting for them to see you or speak - just go about your business, smile and live your life. Life's too short and precious not to be lived with a smile on your face.
Whatever you do, don't let thoughts of making this person jealous, or thoughts of bitterness enter into your mind. You're much better than that! Just keep saying, "I'm moving on." Pretty soon, you will have done just that.
Above all, remember, love will come around again. But if you're looking back you'll miss it! Look forward, wear your best smile, and concentrate on getting the most from life. This sort of mentality and lifestyle will attract the sort of person you need in your life. The sort of person who'll make you smile so much your face hurts. He or she is out there waiting for you, maybe even going through what you're going through right now. The sooner you move on, the sooner you'll find real, lasting love. You deserve it!
Monday, February 10, 2014
DATING/ LOVE: TIPS THAT WILL SAVE YOU
Dating has made me something of a cynic. Call it what you will – courting, dating, whatever – any non-platonic relationship with a female will most likely end in disaster. In fact, dating is a lot like playing darts with a blindfold on in a room full of crazed wombats. That is to say, it’s difficult to get right.
So, with my extensive knowledge in this field, let me give you some tips that will save you some time, money, and pain in your future relationships. These are valuable tips, but I’ve decided to be a Public Servant and not make you pay for them. That’s right. It’s all because I care.
1. There are three sorts of girls in the world, men. The ones that don’t care about you, the ones that hate you, and the ones that will hate you ex post relationship. Getting group one to care is no easy task. Don’t bother. Getting group two to care, believe it or not, is easy: they already hate you. Hate is pretty close to love, except that hate involves less intimacy and more bricks in purses. Group three is a write-off. Don’t bother. I know you want to, but don’t. Unless you suddenly become another person and that person’s name is Johnny Depp, they don’t want you.
2. If you’re so fortunate as to find a girl who cares and doesn’t hate you already, good going. You’re past the easy part. I’m going to assume here that you’re not a gigantic ass and that you’ll ask the girl out and not wait around for both your parents to arrange the deal, or for a giant tsunami to miraculously bring you together a la Hollywood. Here’s the catch: dating is an expensive, time-consuming hassle. So you need to know where this is all going. You need an objective. A purpose. Do you want to get married? That’s good. Go ahead and do that, see if I care. There’s a whole bunch of good reasons to date a girl. However, if one of those objectives is to “have a whole lot of sweaty sex”, go get yourself chemically castrated and have a nice day.
3. Once you’ve got a goal in mind, you’ve won half the battle of half the war of the rest of your life. Next comes dating in general. Now, let me let you in on a secret: every time you do something fancy for a girl, you’ve set a mark. And every time post-mark you do something fancy, it needs to hit or exceed that mark – which is bad news, considering that you probably suck at doing romantic thing for your girl. So, start small. Don’t be flashy from the get-go. Big things are nice memories, but the small things are what flesh everything out and really matter. Here’s an example: my first girlfriend just got married. So did my third. My second girlfriend is about as close to married as a llama is to a baseball bat, but this is all beside the point. I don’t have a single thing that reminds me of this first girlfriend. You know why that is? Because the biggest thing she ever gave me was this teddy bear I nearly forgot about after I doused it in gasoline and threw it out the window while driving down the 401. Okay, maybe I just burned it in the backyard. You want to leave an impression that lasts longer than it takes for a stuffed animal to burn. This leads to the next point.
4. Girls will say things they do not mean, and you must regard them as such. Girls will say things like “I don’t really care about flowers,” and “Valentines day isn’t a big deal for me.” You’ve probably heard it before. What these statements actually mean is “I don’t expect you to do anything on Valentines Day, like bringing me flowers.” Here’s the catch – unless a girl was beaten by a florist on Valentines Day when she was thirteen, she cares. So go small – don’t buy flowers on Valentines Day, because that’s just stupid. Do something else, something memorable. And if you can’t come up with any ideas, give me a call at my 1-900 number.
5. Be spontaneous. Really. Those flowers you see me talking about? Don’t buy them in obvious numbers on obvious days. Do it out of the blue. Get her one red rose. On a Friday, in the middle of winter for no reason whatsoever. You know what that says? It says, “Hey, I was thinking about you the other day. Not only was I thinking about you, but I care enough about you to express that through this gift.” You think that twelve roses says it better? Wrong. Look at it this way: she likes the rose you gave her, and it’s beautiful because of its simplicity. You think you get twelve times the appreciation when you have twelve times the roses? No. A dozen is a fundamentally unsound financial decision. Don’t do it, unless you want to set that bar higher. Remember the bar. Always, always, always remember the bar. Women have memories like you wouldn’t believe.
6. Be prepared for anything at any time. Relationships, and females in particular, are like a study in quantum mechanics. Things happen, and you can’re always be sure why, and you certainly can’t predict when. Your job is to not start fires, and to put them out when they do. It’s called taking charge. You’re not a hundred pound Dungeons and Dragons-playing wuss. But here’s the tricky part. Sometimes you just can’t fix things. You need to know when to let go. Let things run their course. If this doesn’t seem obvious to you, let me explain.
7. Women do not speak your language. They say things that don’t make sense. You, my friend, are a cryptographer. You’re going to break that code, because that’s how much you care. Sometimes, women say things they don’t mean. Sometimes they don’t say the things that they should. Sometimes they just want you to shut your pie-hole and turn on your ears. Especially when they’re frustrated with something – they suddenly become this giant fountain of speech that you can. not. stop. So don’t try. This is when you don’t try to fix things. You sit, you stand, you lie down, whatever – but you listen. Got that? Good.
8. Her parents are probably important to her. They probably hate you. Try to get along, would you? Even if that means golf, or household chores, or complimenting the absolutely awful design of the new addition to the house. Unless your girl is completely self-sufficient and approximately sixty, you’re just going to darn well have to do this.
9. It’s probably all a waste of time. After you’ve done everything right and gone to extreme lengths and been the most accepting, gentlemanly, respectful person ever, it’s probably going to blow up in your face and leave you back at square one. But this is a good thing, my cynical friend. For reasons that I can’t reveal due to national security concerns. But trust me, you’ll become a better person after it’s said and done. And if you don’t care about becoming a better person, well, you don’t deserve a girlfriend anyways, so go move to Nebraska and pan for gold or something.
Okay, so you followed the first post in this series pretty well, and you think you’re ready to do things right this time. Well, fellows, good luck with that. Here’s the cold and hard facts: you suck, and you always will. You have about ten thousand flaws, approximately a hundred of which are completely obvious to everyone but you. Trust me, your woman knows this before you know she knows it, which is when she tells you she knows it in a manner known as a “fight”, or if you’re the diplomatic sort, a “discussion”.
So you’re probably wondering, with all these flaws to get around, where are you ever going to find a girl that’s going to put up with all the crap? That’s the tricky part, but that’s why you’re listening to me and not watching Friends reruns. An aside: if you’re taking any cues from television about relationships and the show you’re watching isn’t “Homicide: Life on the Streets”, you’re about to have a shock along the lines of sticking your tongue in a toaster. So don’t do that, okay? Just trust me. The people that write TV shows have either been separated from reality for so long they wouldn’t understand it if it hit them with a skillet, or understand it perfectly and have some sadistic desire that you never do.
So you’re girl hunting. And you want to know what to look for, and how to look. I’m going to break this down into two sections. If, at this point, you’re really confused about what’s going on here, welcome to Hotel Bachelor and enjoy your long, long stay. Okay, for those of you still with me:
1. So you’re looking. The most important thing – and never underestimate this one – you can do while looking is look like you’re not looking. If women smell desperation, they run, except the ones equally desperate. And goodness knows you don’t want a desperate woman. Some of those would marry a dishrag if there was a diamond ring involved somewhere. The easiest way to not look desperate is pretty simple. Just don’t be desperate. If it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen because you’re going to make it happen. You’re just not going to make it happen right away, because girls aren’t microwave dinners or pizzas. They don’t don’t get delivered to your door. In fact, they’re more like free-range quail. I won’t explain that analogy.
2. Be comfortable with yourself, but not too comfortable. That is to say, you like yourself, but you don’t have a crush on your mirror. Most girls like easygoing guys with an edge of danger and a certain hidden intensity to them, except for the girls that like dangerously intense guys that can be easygoing, or intense guys that are easygoing in a dangerous sort of way. You. Cannot. Be. Boring. Because:
3. Guys are a dime a dozen. Think you’re special? Wrong. You’re a New York taxi: the same colour as every other taxi out there. It’s the inside of the taxi that makes the deal work, not the fact that you’re a blue or red taxi. In fact, being a blue or red taxi makes a girl suspicious that maybe you’re not really a taxi after all, and reluctant to find out whether or not they’re right. So what do you do? Be different, but not too different. If “you” is punk rock, mohawks, and piercings, make sure that your peer group is also punk rock, mohawks, and piercings. Every once in a blue moon, this punk man will meet and fall in love with a pink-bunny-slipper-wearing girl with a crush on Ricky Martin or whoever it is that graces the cover of Grabbing My Crotch Whilst Singing magazine, but you’re not looking for once in a blue moon. You’re looking for reality, and trust me, clothes make a little man, but those wonderful secret little things about you are what makes the girls drool. You’re like a brand name – think, marketing genus, what differentiates you from every other guy on the planet? Find something. Nurture it. Grow it. Even if you never actually get a girl, it’ll be worth it anyways.
4. Be mysterious. But don’t be a giant question mark. Share up to a point – and then stop. It’s like saying A New Episode At The Same Time Next Week honey! Play your cards pretty close to the chest. Don’t be that blubbering girl-boy that practically pees his pants in public to get noticed. Keep your best features locked away somewhere, and show the teaser trailer every once in a while in some non-obvious way. You don’t need to show a girl how wonderful and special you are by landing the Goodyear Blimp on her house with you suspended beneath it playing “Feels Like Home” on a grand piano. If there’s any interest at all, she’ll wait for the next shot.
5. You’re not a supermodel, and only seven girls out of a hundred expect you to be one. Face it, girls are interested in things like Chequebooks, Power, Faithfulness, and Strength. Don’t apply if you’re a wimp. Of course, this is a generalization. Some girls are interested in the fact that you really love your work and are content making nearly no money at all. Some girls just love the fact that you have what they would call a “beautiful mind”. Some girls just want a nice guy. But let me tell you something, gentlemen (oh, there’s another thing they like), talk to girls who have some sense in their heads, and you’ll find that some of the most wonderful guys in the world are pretty darn average looking. That’s most likely you, too. You’re moderately attractive, and that’s enough, thank you. Guys “grow” on girls as they get to know them – your personality and a hundred other things will actually make you look better or worse in their eyes, and I mean visually. Don’t try to understand it. Women’s minds are attached to their emotions. It’s a wierd thing, but it explains why so many pretty ugly guys get those gorgeous babes. And that’s the last time in my life I ever use the word “gorgeous babe”.
And wow, that was long. I’ll have to write that second part another time, because gee whiz, I’m feeling like ten pounds of crap in a five pound bag. I feel like crap’s crap. Like I’ve blown six sinuses out my nose, and I’m pretty sure I don’t have that many.
So, with my extensive knowledge in this field, let me give you some tips that will save you some time, money, and pain in your future relationships. These are valuable tips, but I’ve decided to be a Public Servant and not make you pay for them. That’s right. It’s all because I care.
1. There are three sorts of girls in the world, men. The ones that don’t care about you, the ones that hate you, and the ones that will hate you ex post relationship. Getting group one to care is no easy task. Don’t bother. Getting group two to care, believe it or not, is easy: they already hate you. Hate is pretty close to love, except that hate involves less intimacy and more bricks in purses. Group three is a write-off. Don’t bother. I know you want to, but don’t. Unless you suddenly become another person and that person’s name is Johnny Depp, they don’t want you.
2. If you’re so fortunate as to find a girl who cares and doesn’t hate you already, good going. You’re past the easy part. I’m going to assume here that you’re not a gigantic ass and that you’ll ask the girl out and not wait around for both your parents to arrange the deal, or for a giant tsunami to miraculously bring you together a la Hollywood. Here’s the catch: dating is an expensive, time-consuming hassle. So you need to know where this is all going. You need an objective. A purpose. Do you want to get married? That’s good. Go ahead and do that, see if I care. There’s a whole bunch of good reasons to date a girl. However, if one of those objectives is to “have a whole lot of sweaty sex”, go get yourself chemically castrated and have a nice day.
3. Once you’ve got a goal in mind, you’ve won half the battle of half the war of the rest of your life. Next comes dating in general. Now, let me let you in on a secret: every time you do something fancy for a girl, you’ve set a mark. And every time post-mark you do something fancy, it needs to hit or exceed that mark – which is bad news, considering that you probably suck at doing romantic thing for your girl. So, start small. Don’t be flashy from the get-go. Big things are nice memories, but the small things are what flesh everything out and really matter. Here’s an example: my first girlfriend just got married. So did my third. My second girlfriend is about as close to married as a llama is to a baseball bat, but this is all beside the point. I don’t have a single thing that reminds me of this first girlfriend. You know why that is? Because the biggest thing she ever gave me was this teddy bear I nearly forgot about after I doused it in gasoline and threw it out the window while driving down the 401. Okay, maybe I just burned it in the backyard. You want to leave an impression that lasts longer than it takes for a stuffed animal to burn. This leads to the next point.
4. Girls will say things they do not mean, and you must regard them as such. Girls will say things like “I don’t really care about flowers,” and “Valentines day isn’t a big deal for me.” You’ve probably heard it before. What these statements actually mean is “I don’t expect you to do anything on Valentines Day, like bringing me flowers.” Here’s the catch – unless a girl was beaten by a florist on Valentines Day when she was thirteen, she cares. So go small – don’t buy flowers on Valentines Day, because that’s just stupid. Do something else, something memorable. And if you can’t come up with any ideas, give me a call at my 1-900 number.
5. Be spontaneous. Really. Those flowers you see me talking about? Don’t buy them in obvious numbers on obvious days. Do it out of the blue. Get her one red rose. On a Friday, in the middle of winter for no reason whatsoever. You know what that says? It says, “Hey, I was thinking about you the other day. Not only was I thinking about you, but I care enough about you to express that through this gift.” You think that twelve roses says it better? Wrong. Look at it this way: she likes the rose you gave her, and it’s beautiful because of its simplicity. You think you get twelve times the appreciation when you have twelve times the roses? No. A dozen is a fundamentally unsound financial decision. Don’t do it, unless you want to set that bar higher. Remember the bar. Always, always, always remember the bar. Women have memories like you wouldn’t believe.
6. Be prepared for anything at any time. Relationships, and females in particular, are like a study in quantum mechanics. Things happen, and you can’re always be sure why, and you certainly can’t predict when. Your job is to not start fires, and to put them out when they do. It’s called taking charge. You’re not a hundred pound Dungeons and Dragons-playing wuss. But here’s the tricky part. Sometimes you just can’t fix things. You need to know when to let go. Let things run their course. If this doesn’t seem obvious to you, let me explain.
7. Women do not speak your language. They say things that don’t make sense. You, my friend, are a cryptographer. You’re going to break that code, because that’s how much you care. Sometimes, women say things they don’t mean. Sometimes they don’t say the things that they should. Sometimes they just want you to shut your pie-hole and turn on your ears. Especially when they’re frustrated with something – they suddenly become this giant fountain of speech that you can. not. stop. So don’t try. This is when you don’t try to fix things. You sit, you stand, you lie down, whatever – but you listen. Got that? Good.
8. Her parents are probably important to her. They probably hate you. Try to get along, would you? Even if that means golf, or household chores, or complimenting the absolutely awful design of the new addition to the house. Unless your girl is completely self-sufficient and approximately sixty, you’re just going to darn well have to do this.
9. It’s probably all a waste of time. After you’ve done everything right and gone to extreme lengths and been the most accepting, gentlemanly, respectful person ever, it’s probably going to blow up in your face and leave you back at square one. But this is a good thing, my cynical friend. For reasons that I can’t reveal due to national security concerns. But trust me, you’ll become a better person after it’s said and done. And if you don’t care about becoming a better person, well, you don’t deserve a girlfriend anyways, so go move to Nebraska and pan for gold or something.
Okay, so you followed the first post in this series pretty well, and you think you’re ready to do things right this time. Well, fellows, good luck with that. Here’s the cold and hard facts: you suck, and you always will. You have about ten thousand flaws, approximately a hundred of which are completely obvious to everyone but you. Trust me, your woman knows this before you know she knows it, which is when she tells you she knows it in a manner known as a “fight”, or if you’re the diplomatic sort, a “discussion”.
So you’re probably wondering, with all these flaws to get around, where are you ever going to find a girl that’s going to put up with all the crap? That’s the tricky part, but that’s why you’re listening to me and not watching Friends reruns. An aside: if you’re taking any cues from television about relationships and the show you’re watching isn’t “Homicide: Life on the Streets”, you’re about to have a shock along the lines of sticking your tongue in a toaster. So don’t do that, okay? Just trust me. The people that write TV shows have either been separated from reality for so long they wouldn’t understand it if it hit them with a skillet, or understand it perfectly and have some sadistic desire that you never do.
So you’re girl hunting. And you want to know what to look for, and how to look. I’m going to break this down into two sections. If, at this point, you’re really confused about what’s going on here, welcome to Hotel Bachelor and enjoy your long, long stay. Okay, for those of you still with me:
1. So you’re looking. The most important thing – and never underestimate this one – you can do while looking is look like you’re not looking. If women smell desperation, they run, except the ones equally desperate. And goodness knows you don’t want a desperate woman. Some of those would marry a dishrag if there was a diamond ring involved somewhere. The easiest way to not look desperate is pretty simple. Just don’t be desperate. If it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen because you’re going to make it happen. You’re just not going to make it happen right away, because girls aren’t microwave dinners or pizzas. They don’t don’t get delivered to your door. In fact, they’re more like free-range quail. I won’t explain that analogy.
2. Be comfortable with yourself, but not too comfortable. That is to say, you like yourself, but you don’t have a crush on your mirror. Most girls like easygoing guys with an edge of danger and a certain hidden intensity to them, except for the girls that like dangerously intense guys that can be easygoing, or intense guys that are easygoing in a dangerous sort of way. You. Cannot. Be. Boring. Because:
3. Guys are a dime a dozen. Think you’re special? Wrong. You’re a New York taxi: the same colour as every other taxi out there. It’s the inside of the taxi that makes the deal work, not the fact that you’re a blue or red taxi. In fact, being a blue or red taxi makes a girl suspicious that maybe you’re not really a taxi after all, and reluctant to find out whether or not they’re right. So what do you do? Be different, but not too different. If “you” is punk rock, mohawks, and piercings, make sure that your peer group is also punk rock, mohawks, and piercings. Every once in a blue moon, this punk man will meet and fall in love with a pink-bunny-slipper-wearing girl with a crush on Ricky Martin or whoever it is that graces the cover of Grabbing My Crotch Whilst Singing magazine, but you’re not looking for once in a blue moon. You’re looking for reality, and trust me, clothes make a little man, but those wonderful secret little things about you are what makes the girls drool. You’re like a brand name – think, marketing genus, what differentiates you from every other guy on the planet? Find something. Nurture it. Grow it. Even if you never actually get a girl, it’ll be worth it anyways.
4. Be mysterious. But don’t be a giant question mark. Share up to a point – and then stop. It’s like saying A New Episode At The Same Time Next Week honey! Play your cards pretty close to the chest. Don’t be that blubbering girl-boy that practically pees his pants in public to get noticed. Keep your best features locked away somewhere, and show the teaser trailer every once in a while in some non-obvious way. You don’t need to show a girl how wonderful and special you are by landing the Goodyear Blimp on her house with you suspended beneath it playing “Feels Like Home” on a grand piano. If there’s any interest at all, she’ll wait for the next shot.
5. You’re not a supermodel, and only seven girls out of a hundred expect you to be one. Face it, girls are interested in things like Chequebooks, Power, Faithfulness, and Strength. Don’t apply if you’re a wimp. Of course, this is a generalization. Some girls are interested in the fact that you really love your work and are content making nearly no money at all. Some girls just love the fact that you have what they would call a “beautiful mind”. Some girls just want a nice guy. But let me tell you something, gentlemen (oh, there’s another thing they like), talk to girls who have some sense in their heads, and you’ll find that some of the most wonderful guys in the world are pretty darn average looking. That’s most likely you, too. You’re moderately attractive, and that’s enough, thank you. Guys “grow” on girls as they get to know them – your personality and a hundred other things will actually make you look better or worse in their eyes, and I mean visually. Don’t try to understand it. Women’s minds are attached to their emotions. It’s a wierd thing, but it explains why so many pretty ugly guys get those gorgeous babes. And that’s the last time in my life I ever use the word “gorgeous babe”.
And wow, that was long. I’ll have to write that second part another time, because gee whiz, I’m feeling like ten pounds of crap in a five pound bag. I feel like crap’s crap. Like I’ve blown six sinuses out my nose, and I’m pretty sure I don’t have that many.
LOVEDATING: TRYING NOT TO BE TOO CAUTIOUS WITH DATING
I’m sure you already know this but there are a lot of bitter single people in this city. After so many dating games and dating misadventures, some people tend to become cynical. What’s really ironic is when you are lucky enough to meet someone who won’t run game and act shady, what happens? Some people question it! A guy calls when he says he will, and she wonders if he is too eager. I man wants to do special things for a woman and suddenly she gets tagged as desperate. I know we all have some battle scars, but how do we stop being so bitter and cynical about it? How do you know when to take a risk on someone and still be cautious?
How do we stop being so bitter and cynical about it? – you have to attempt to release bitter after each and every incident that might cause you to be bitter. you hear it time and again, take time to get right with yourself after a breakup before you put all those damaged goods back on the market. personally – I don’t take issue with being cynical. being cynical, to me, is like paying attention to your gut instincts. being cynical might save you a lot of drama. sure, you might miss out on something good but more likely than not you’ll avoid something bad.
What do you do to stay optimistic and hopeful? – I’m definitely more of a pessimist than an optimist. i don’t do anything in particular to stay optimistic and hopeful. I simply take each individual person and each individual circumstance for what it is. I resist allowing myself to be lonely enough or bored enough or desperate enough to settle. all I can do is get all cliché and think “good things come to those who wait”, “god time, not people time”, “if it’s for you, you’ll have it”. blah blah blah. in a nutshell – don’t sweat it.
How do you know when to take a risk on someone and still be cautious? – I am not much of a risk taker. you either meet eligibility criteria or you don’t. that’s not saying there’s not a wee bit of wiggle room but I’m certainly not trying to rehab someone.
I refer to people who engage in that as contrarian cynics. No matter what you do, no matter how appropriate, harmless, thoughtful, or considerate your actions are, they will be met by second-guessing and sideways looks with an assumed ulterior motive. You have to prove your trustworthiness to people to gain their confidence but when proving yourself becomes a perpetual obstacle course with no finish line or progress attained, it’s time to move on. They have a total lack of distrust in people and it’s easier for them to not trust than to learn to let someone earn their trust because they rely on the law of averages for someone to fail them in their minds to justify their stance.
When I was dating I constantly ran into the phenomenon of starting out behind the eight ball. A large percentage of the time, it began with having to work overtime to prove that I wasn’t the other guys they had encountered in the past, at which point the real dating could begin (if it got that far).
I can’t tell you how many times I moved on because I felt like I was running the gauntlet and having to dispel the fact that I was going to do the same things others did rather than being evaluated at face value…
Cynicism is not wisdom. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but cynicism is a self-imposed blindness. You put the blinders on yourself to protect yourself from a world that you think might hurt you or disappoint you. Be a fool. Believe things will be good. Better to be hurt.
Cynicism is defined as an attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others.
People become cynical after being used or abused by others. People become cynical when life kicks them around. They end up not trusting anyone for fear of another disappointment or heartache.
If you take that kind of attitude into a relationship, you won’t get far. Most emotionally healthy people are not drawn to cynical people. It’s pretty easy to spot someone who is hopelessly negative all the time. All you have to do is listen to them talk. Everyone is out to screw them…everyone is dishonest…everyone is evil.
I can understand that a cynic is trying to protect his heart from painful experiences. But a person with a closed-off heart and mind will have a tough time giving of himself to another person. Intimacy is nearly impossible since you don’t trust anyone not to hurt you. That can get lonely after a while….which will likely make you even more cynical.
Emotionally healthy men are not drawn to cynical women. A cynic cannot be a Great Lover. Be a Great Lover.
How do we stop being so bitter and cynical about it? – you have to attempt to release bitter after each and every incident that might cause you to be bitter. you hear it time and again, take time to get right with yourself after a breakup before you put all those damaged goods back on the market. personally – I don’t take issue with being cynical. being cynical, to me, is like paying attention to your gut instincts. being cynical might save you a lot of drama. sure, you might miss out on something good but more likely than not you’ll avoid something bad.
What do you do to stay optimistic and hopeful? – I’m definitely more of a pessimist than an optimist. i don’t do anything in particular to stay optimistic and hopeful. I simply take each individual person and each individual circumstance for what it is. I resist allowing myself to be lonely enough or bored enough or desperate enough to settle. all I can do is get all cliché and think “good things come to those who wait”, “god time, not people time”, “if it’s for you, you’ll have it”. blah blah blah. in a nutshell – don’t sweat it.
How do you know when to take a risk on someone and still be cautious? – I am not much of a risk taker. you either meet eligibility criteria or you don’t. that’s not saying there’s not a wee bit of wiggle room but I’m certainly not trying to rehab someone.
I refer to people who engage in that as contrarian cynics. No matter what you do, no matter how appropriate, harmless, thoughtful, or considerate your actions are, they will be met by second-guessing and sideways looks with an assumed ulterior motive. You have to prove your trustworthiness to people to gain their confidence but when proving yourself becomes a perpetual obstacle course with no finish line or progress attained, it’s time to move on. They have a total lack of distrust in people and it’s easier for them to not trust than to learn to let someone earn their trust because they rely on the law of averages for someone to fail them in their minds to justify their stance.
When I was dating I constantly ran into the phenomenon of starting out behind the eight ball. A large percentage of the time, it began with having to work overtime to prove that I wasn’t the other guys they had encountered in the past, at which point the real dating could begin (if it got that far).
I can’t tell you how many times I moved on because I felt like I was running the gauntlet and having to dispel the fact that I was going to do the same things others did rather than being evaluated at face value…
Cynicism is not wisdom. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but cynicism is a self-imposed blindness. You put the blinders on yourself to protect yourself from a world that you think might hurt you or disappoint you. Be a fool. Believe things will be good. Better to be hurt.
Cynicism is defined as an attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others.
People become cynical after being used or abused by others. People become cynical when life kicks them around. They end up not trusting anyone for fear of another disappointment or heartache.
If you take that kind of attitude into a relationship, you won’t get far. Most emotionally healthy people are not drawn to cynical people. It’s pretty easy to spot someone who is hopelessly negative all the time. All you have to do is listen to them talk. Everyone is out to screw them…everyone is dishonest…everyone is evil.
I can understand that a cynic is trying to protect his heart from painful experiences. But a person with a closed-off heart and mind will have a tough time giving of himself to another person. Intimacy is nearly impossible since you don’t trust anyone not to hurt you. That can get lonely after a while….which will likely make you even more cynical.
Emotionally healthy men are not drawn to cynical women. A cynic cannot be a Great Lover. Be a Great Lover.
LOVE: YOU MAKE ME WANT TO BE BETTER
Yes, you may think I’m in the circle of the “Other” guy, the guy you can’t marry. I completely understand that because I put myself there. I’m good at it. I’ve been there my whole life. But now, I’m at the edge of that circle working my out...and that’s because of you. You’re the first woman that has inspired me to get out of that circle. To face some fears. To be not the other guy, but rather a better man. Your man. And I know, through my own doing and other forces of insecurities, I’ve created that circle, afraid to end the movie and start a life with the one I love. I know that when I do break out of that circle there’s a great chance that you would already be married and if so, that’s my fault. But I’m working hard to break through, for you.
LOVE LETTER: DEAR SOULMATE
Dear Soulmate
Who knew my heart would be so easy to capture? Her beautiful blonde hair, her beautiful eyes of azure,Her soft delicate hands, her wonderful precious heart,and her glowing warm smile, all make my heart dart. I am willing to give up everything for you. I would then have my everything, you, my love so true. The day we meet, is the day we'll be joined forever. I feel that your heart and mine have joined together. I'll hold you tight in my arms, from that point on,For whatever you have done, my heart has been drawn. I love you with all my heart; care about you more than anything. Anything to listen to your chest; listen to you breathing, to feel your heart beat fast, all tells me you are beside me.You came into my life without me expecting it.You surprised me by your voice, personality, beauty and kindness. I was impressed by you. We started to talk ever day and night, for hours and hours. We'd talk about anything and everything. You showed me what it was to love someone so much.I learned what love meant because of you. I love you-You may not be the most beautiful woman there is but, in my eyes, you are. Now that you have my heart in your hands..please be careful with it and make sure not to drop and break it because I love you. I promise to do the same with your heart. I promise I'll always love you and care for you
To my dearest, the one whom I adore,I offer you my heart and soul... my love forever more,You changed the way I look at love, of beauty and of life,I long to hold you by my side as lover and as wife,We'll sail the winds of love... and shall for all our years,We'll know the joys of oneness, of caring and of touch,And we'll know a higher realm for loving each, so much.I can offer only boundless love - and when a purest love is known and strives to reach its goal,'Tis then the fragments of our lives - combine to make the whole.Your beauty is unequaled, no jewel but could compare...You are heaven sent and stunning... you simply are sublime,For your spiritual soul and beauty will stand the test of time.I long to hold you closely - and my lips to yours be pressed,And the day shall quickly come when I look into your eyes,For a love like ours, so sacred... no God to us denies.A love so utterly complete... a love you never knew,So when we join as one and stroll beyond our earth,Remember you witnessed life... for in us love gave birth.And the love may simply pass, you'll wish me fond adieu,But if lost to me forever... my love was ne'er in vain,For the love I feel for you... I'll long to feel again.Ah, my darling wipe away your tears,Release the love you hold... let go of all your fears,Don't trust your head in matters, that hold for you such dread,Just open up your soul to me, and follow your heart instead.
Who knew my heart would be so easy to capture? Her beautiful blonde hair, her beautiful eyes of azure,Her soft delicate hands, her wonderful precious heart,and her glowing warm smile, all make my heart dart. I am willing to give up everything for you. I would then have my everything, you, my love so true. The day we meet, is the day we'll be joined forever. I feel that your heart and mine have joined together. I'll hold you tight in my arms, from that point on,For whatever you have done, my heart has been drawn. I love you with all my heart; care about you more than anything. Anything to listen to your chest; listen to you breathing, to feel your heart beat fast, all tells me you are beside me.You came into my life without me expecting it.You surprised me by your voice, personality, beauty and kindness. I was impressed by you. We started to talk ever day and night, for hours and hours. We'd talk about anything and everything. You showed me what it was to love someone so much.I learned what love meant because of you. I love you-You may not be the most beautiful woman there is but, in my eyes, you are. Now that you have my heart in your hands..please be careful with it and make sure not to drop and break it because I love you. I promise to do the same with your heart. I promise I'll always love you and care for you
To my dearest, the one whom I adore,I offer you my heart and soul... my love forever more,You changed the way I look at love, of beauty and of life,I long to hold you by my side as lover and as wife,We'll sail the winds of love... and shall for all our years,We'll know the joys of oneness, of caring and of touch,And we'll know a higher realm for loving each, so much.I can offer only boundless love - and when a purest love is known and strives to reach its goal,'Tis then the fragments of our lives - combine to make the whole.Your beauty is unequaled, no jewel but could compare...You are heaven sent and stunning... you simply are sublime,For your spiritual soul and beauty will stand the test of time.I long to hold you closely - and my lips to yours be pressed,And the day shall quickly come when I look into your eyes,For a love like ours, so sacred... no God to us denies.A love so utterly complete... a love you never knew,So when we join as one and stroll beyond our earth,Remember you witnessed life... for in us love gave birth.And the love may simply pass, you'll wish me fond adieu,But if lost to me forever... my love was ne'er in vain,For the love I feel for you... I'll long to feel again.Ah, my darling wipe away your tears,Release the love you hold... let go of all your fears,Don't trust your head in matters, that hold for you such dread,Just open up your soul to me, and follow your heart instead.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
PERSONAL/ DATING: THOU SHALT HATH FUN, NO MATTER WHAT THY DO
What can women do to make men more attracted to them without turning into manipulative wenches? Aside from the ever-succinct “be hot” I think there are other qualities that draw men in. A large number of women will meet the minimum threshold for attraction based on physical appearance. So what makes a woman intriguing? What makes a man want to know her better?
Because there are some women who just – I don’t know – they have that je ne sais quoi. They’re not necessarily outstandingly gorgeous or brilliant or successful…but they know how to rock it. It like that book ...War and Peace. . The character Natasha. Apparently, How does Tolstoy describe Natasha? As a girl of twelve, she is “a bit of quicksilver” – sparkling, and unwilling to be contained. Later she is known for her love of dancing, laughing and flirting.
‘Oh how lovely it is!’ she kept saying. Look what a moon! Oh, how lovely!…I feel like squatting down on my heels, putting my arms round my knees like this, tight – as tight as can be – and flying away This is the effect joie de vivre has on the people around you: They share in it, feeling more engaged, more alive and vital…When you are joyful, when you say yes to life and have fun and project positivity all around you, you become a sun in the center of every constellation, and people want to be near you.”
I was thinking about one times when attracting women was “effortless” for me: Once I was going to visit a friend in Florida. I made it a law: THOU SHALT HATH FUN, NO MATTER WHAT THY DO.
So when the plane got stuck on the tarmac, instead of complaining, I started a conversation with my charming seat partner. She was on her way to NYC, also, for work. I told her of my “law” and although she may have thought I was a weirdo, we had a really great conversation. At the end of the plane ride, at the luggage carousel, she asked for my #. I said, Are you asking me on a DATE? And she said, um, YEAH! So, during this one week trip, there were lots of date
I am just a regular guy, just like everybody else. The only difference is: The focus was on having fun and sharing it. I wanted to have fun, I wanted my seat-mate to have fun, I wanted my friend to have fun. And by sharing it, instead of being less, there was more.
The focus wasn’t on trying to impress some woman or make her jump through hoops. The focus was having fun and sharing joy with others. My parents told me this is what it was like in the old days: People would just go out and have fun, no expectations and no pressures. Just enjoy the miracle that is life.
I make sure that wherever I am...I am always committed to having a good time. if you always try to see the bright side of things and enjoy yourself, then you’ll be happier and you’ll smile a lot and woman will be attracted to that. smile, smile, smile, laugh, laugh, laugh.”
I have a rather irrepressible enthusiasm for lots of things. Suddenly, and for the next several years during my residency, I found myself on the receiving end of numerous confessions of strong attraction, mild obsession and even some declarations of love. Several of these were completely unexpected – they were from woman I didn’t know well at all. Nearly all the woman said some variation on the same thing:
You have such a lust for life!
You are the most alive person I have ever known.
Everything you do is so passionate.
You get the most out of every experience. You leave nothing on the table!
You’re my ideal blend of innocence and passion (She was wrong about the innocence, but I didn’t tell).
Your energy is so contagious.
You obviously like yourself, so I like you too.
etc.
I’ve successfully competed with several handsome, tall, and rich men in my life, and it’s because of this one thing. Finding and sharing the joy in life. When we were dating, my wife used to tease me by observing that “Every day you leap out of bed, exuberant with the joy of living.”
Because there are some women who just – I don’t know – they have that je ne sais quoi. They’re not necessarily outstandingly gorgeous or brilliant or successful…but they know how to rock it. It like that book ...War and Peace. . The character Natasha. Apparently, How does Tolstoy describe Natasha? As a girl of twelve, she is “a bit of quicksilver” – sparkling, and unwilling to be contained. Later she is known for her love of dancing, laughing and flirting.
‘Oh how lovely it is!’ she kept saying. Look what a moon! Oh, how lovely!…I feel like squatting down on my heels, putting my arms round my knees like this, tight – as tight as can be – and flying away This is the effect joie de vivre has on the people around you: They share in it, feeling more engaged, more alive and vital…When you are joyful, when you say yes to life and have fun and project positivity all around you, you become a sun in the center of every constellation, and people want to be near you.”
I was thinking about one times when attracting women was “effortless” for me: Once I was going to visit a friend in Florida. I made it a law: THOU SHALT HATH FUN, NO MATTER WHAT THY DO.
So when the plane got stuck on the tarmac, instead of complaining, I started a conversation with my charming seat partner. She was on her way to NYC, also, for work. I told her of my “law” and although she may have thought I was a weirdo, we had a really great conversation. At the end of the plane ride, at the luggage carousel, she asked for my #. I said, Are you asking me on a DATE? And she said, um, YEAH! So, during this one week trip, there were lots of date
I am just a regular guy, just like everybody else. The only difference is: The focus was on having fun and sharing it. I wanted to have fun, I wanted my seat-mate to have fun, I wanted my friend to have fun. And by sharing it, instead of being less, there was more.
The focus wasn’t on trying to impress some woman or make her jump through hoops. The focus was having fun and sharing joy with others. My parents told me this is what it was like in the old days: People would just go out and have fun, no expectations and no pressures. Just enjoy the miracle that is life.
I make sure that wherever I am...I am always committed to having a good time. if you always try to see the bright side of things and enjoy yourself, then you’ll be happier and you’ll smile a lot and woman will be attracted to that. smile, smile, smile, laugh, laugh, laugh.”
I have a rather irrepressible enthusiasm for lots of things. Suddenly, and for the next several years during my residency, I found myself on the receiving end of numerous confessions of strong attraction, mild obsession and even some declarations of love. Several of these were completely unexpected – they were from woman I didn’t know well at all. Nearly all the woman said some variation on the same thing:
You have such a lust for life!
You are the most alive person I have ever known.
Everything you do is so passionate.
You get the most out of every experience. You leave nothing on the table!
You’re my ideal blend of innocence and passion (She was wrong about the innocence, but I didn’t tell).
Your energy is so contagious.
You obviously like yourself, so I like you too.
etc.
I’ve successfully competed with several handsome, tall, and rich men in my life, and it’s because of this one thing. Finding and sharing the joy in life. When we were dating, my wife used to tease me by observing that “Every day you leap out of bed, exuberant with the joy of living.”
VIDEO: Pilot - Magic
I remember this song driving with my dad.....it makes me wish I was a kid again....
Friday, February 7, 2014
PERSONAL: I MISS YOU, BUT I HAVEN'T MET YOU YET...
I want to meet you already. Haven’t you had enough of that guy that keeps dissing you? Well leave him! Go out, meet people. You are valuable, you are beautiful, and you are the woman of my dreams. You don’t know me, but I am telling you that this man will do anything for you! I’m not sure why we haven’t met yet. But i’m waiting for you! I am dating to spend time while I wait for you to be done with all your trial and errors. I think it’s best that you do that because I am going to love you forever. And I know you need to be ready for that. So let those guys dance around the truth, say things that are not nice or disappoint you. Just know that I am here waiting for you when you are ready. Waiting to love you. Waiting to give you all of me. My soul begs for you and I will work to my limit for you, to give you everything you want. I’m not sure why you haven’t showed up yet. Perhaps that guy with the degree or the TV show, or the bass player of that band, or the stock broker who claims he’ll hit, holds you captive for a moment, but i’m telling you when you’re done I’m here waiting for you... with everything. With the real stuff. With everything I got. With everything I am. With Love! Oh, and by the way I do have house, a car, a great family, and I am a doctor. but what I don’t have is you!
I’ve decided that you will come when the time is right.. and it’s 11:59pm. I can feel it. When I wake up i feel a hope, a dream come true that is you! I know you already. I know what you want. What you need. How you like your breakfast. How you like your french tips done and when you want Sushi. When you feel like buying a new outfit. I will buy it for you. How you are in the morning. How you want me to just listen to you after a hard day. I’ll listen to you after your girlfriend pisses you off. After your family or client made you so made that you feel like exploding. I am here for you to soften the blow, to massage your tense muscles... to make love to you in a way you’ve never been made love to... to be everything and anything you want me to be... but you don’t have to ask. I already know. I’ll even happily dance with you to Don Omar, Pit Bull, salsa, or some 80’s retro ban. I know exactly how you want your drink. Extra Dirty Martini, vodka tonic, some sweet fruity drink, or a light beer. It’s a dance that is perfected over time between two people, but with you and I, time stands still. Our bodies will be one of the same. I'll have what you need and want, and you'll have what I want and need. You'll know me too. What I like, how to respect me and our relationship, how to make me feel like the luckiest man on earth. And if you don't know things about me, you'll take the time to find out. You're patient, bratty at times (but i love that), sincere, unassuming, respectful, confident, intelligent, and graceful. I'll feel like you are always on my side, no matter who is sitting in front of us. We are a team of one. 2 entities merged to one. We are the rhythm, the narrative and soul of our story. "US"
So what’s taking you so long? I guess it’s ok for now. I’ll keep meeting impostors who claim that they are you. And I keep discovering pretty quickly they are not.
So please hurry up my love. I’m getting tired. But I am very exited to meet you.
Your Love,
I’ve decided that you will come when the time is right.. and it’s 11:59pm. I can feel it. When I wake up i feel a hope, a dream come true that is you! I know you already. I know what you want. What you need. How you like your breakfast. How you like your french tips done and when you want Sushi. When you feel like buying a new outfit. I will buy it for you. How you are in the morning. How you want me to just listen to you after a hard day. I’ll listen to you after your girlfriend pisses you off. After your family or client made you so made that you feel like exploding. I am here for you to soften the blow, to massage your tense muscles... to make love to you in a way you’ve never been made love to... to be everything and anything you want me to be... but you don’t have to ask. I already know. I’ll even happily dance with you to Don Omar, Pit Bull, salsa, or some 80’s retro ban. I know exactly how you want your drink. Extra Dirty Martini, vodka tonic, some sweet fruity drink, or a light beer. It’s a dance that is perfected over time between two people, but with you and I, time stands still. Our bodies will be one of the same. I'll have what you need and want, and you'll have what I want and need. You'll know me too. What I like, how to respect me and our relationship, how to make me feel like the luckiest man on earth. And if you don't know things about me, you'll take the time to find out. You're patient, bratty at times (but i love that), sincere, unassuming, respectful, confident, intelligent, and graceful. I'll feel like you are always on my side, no matter who is sitting in front of us. We are a team of one. 2 entities merged to one. We are the rhythm, the narrative and soul of our story. "US"
So what’s taking you so long? I guess it’s ok for now. I’ll keep meeting impostors who claim that they are you. And I keep discovering pretty quickly they are not.
So please hurry up my love. I’m getting tired. But I am very exited to meet you.
Your Love,
PERSONAL: I HAVEN'T MET YOU YET, BUT I HOPE YOU LOVE ME
I haven’t met you yet, and I’ll never send you this letter, because it’s really all about me, and if there’s anything my mom ever told me, it’s that the world doesn’t revolve around me…
But I hope you love me. I hope someday I’ll smile at you, and like a song, that smile will be stuck in your head. I hope you’ll find excuse after excuse to talk to me, I hope that none of those “tips on how to pick up woman” that I’ve read online work on you. I hope I don’t have say stupid boring things for you to notice me. I hope you smile a lot, I smile a lot. I hope we can laugh together, and have adventures of all sorts, even if that means just getting lost in a city like New York.
I hope you like my home and it become our home to have kids running in the yard. I hope we talk for hours, and I hope I can tell you anything. I hope you say my name a lot, and I hope you care about me. No one ever really cares, but I hope you do. I hope you’re nicer that my mom ever was to my dad. I hope you don’t leave me. I hope you don’t leave my crying at night, or turn my heart to stone. I hope you smile a lot and tell me secrets. I want our hugs to last forever, and I hope we take long walks “I love you” is the main topic.
No one ever asks what I want, or what I hope for when it comes to us, because there is no us. There’s just me, except in my world, there’s really just everyone else, but that’s okay because I think you’re out there.
I haven’t met you yet, but if I do, I would very much appreciate it if you fell in love with me… Who wouldn’t
But I hope you love me. I hope someday I’ll smile at you, and like a song, that smile will be stuck in your head. I hope you’ll find excuse after excuse to talk to me, I hope that none of those “tips on how to pick up woman” that I’ve read online work on you. I hope I don’t have say stupid boring things for you to notice me. I hope you smile a lot, I smile a lot. I hope we can laugh together, and have adventures of all sorts, even if that means just getting lost in a city like New York.
I hope you like my home and it become our home to have kids running in the yard. I hope we talk for hours, and I hope I can tell you anything. I hope you say my name a lot, and I hope you care about me. No one ever really cares, but I hope you do. I hope you’re nicer that my mom ever was to my dad. I hope you don’t leave me. I hope you don’t leave my crying at night, or turn my heart to stone. I hope you smile a lot and tell me secrets. I want our hugs to last forever, and I hope we take long walks “I love you” is the main topic.
No one ever asks what I want, or what I hope for when it comes to us, because there is no us. There’s just me, except in my world, there’s really just everyone else, but that’s okay because I think you’re out there.
I haven’t met you yet, but if I do, I would very much appreciate it if you fell in love with me… Who wouldn’t
JOURNAL: THIS OBSESSION WITH LOVE
We all, at some time or another, go through a period I like to call obsessing over nothing. The sentiment that often times resides deep within our psyches without the slightest knowledge and then out of nowhere goes into full gear.And to top it all off, it sits in the driver’s seat. It has the ability to control each and every thought, action, plan of attack in this little thing called life.
Because let’s face it, most of us hate the idea of walking through it alone.Here enters the obsession.The obsession over something that isn’t there, over blank space, over absolutely nothing.We work day in and day out for the perfect figure, the perfect career, the perfect friends…and most importantly, the perfect woman.In my experience, most of these men all too often are depressed, downtrodden and defeated.What is the common complaint? The lack of a girlfriend/ wife or even a prospective date that doesn’t urge them even further to the edge of insanity.They are in love with the idea of love. Deeply, heart-achingly in love. And it’s an unrequited love.
I hate to admit it, but I too have been the victim, the hopeless romantic, the fool.The guy who focuses on the fact that he is alone, that this is the end-all-be-all of happiness. And I don’t know the cure. Somehow, I’ve found that eventually I always wake from my funk, give myself a good hard look in the mirror and a little tough love. Sure, a woman would be nice, but relationships are messy enough—how can we let one that doesn’t even exist yet cause so much agony, so much frustration and so much pain?
We should channel that time and energy into something productive, something positive that might in the end lead us where it is that we want to be with someone we want to be with—a living, breathing woman with a whole bunch of problems of her own for us to worry about.
Love should be all-consuming. It should be passionate, always on your mind and one of the most impactful things in your life. But the lack of it? In my opinion, not worthy of this overwhelming power. I’d save that place of sadness for the real deal—trust me; at some point in the rush of love you may need it.
Because let’s face it, most of us hate the idea of walking through it alone.Here enters the obsession.The obsession over something that isn’t there, over blank space, over absolutely nothing.We work day in and day out for the perfect figure, the perfect career, the perfect friends…and most importantly, the perfect woman.In my experience, most of these men all too often are depressed, downtrodden and defeated.What is the common complaint? The lack of a girlfriend/ wife or even a prospective date that doesn’t urge them even further to the edge of insanity.They are in love with the idea of love. Deeply, heart-achingly in love. And it’s an unrequited love.
I hate to admit it, but I too have been the victim, the hopeless romantic, the fool.The guy who focuses on the fact that he is alone, that this is the end-all-be-all of happiness. And I don’t know the cure. Somehow, I’ve found that eventually I always wake from my funk, give myself a good hard look in the mirror and a little tough love. Sure, a woman would be nice, but relationships are messy enough—how can we let one that doesn’t even exist yet cause so much agony, so much frustration and so much pain?
We should channel that time and energy into something productive, something positive that might in the end lead us where it is that we want to be with someone we want to be with—a living, breathing woman with a whole bunch of problems of her own for us to worry about.
Love should be all-consuming. It should be passionate, always on your mind and one of the most impactful things in your life. But the lack of it? In my opinion, not worthy of this overwhelming power. I’d save that place of sadness for the real deal—trust me; at some point in the rush of love you may need it.
DATING/LOVE/THOUGHTS: WHAT'S UGLY?
Ugly is in the eye of the beholder... I don't mean to be mean when i use the word “ugly.” What I mean is that there appears to be an increase of beautiful women dating seemingly goofy, not very attractive, out of shape “Plain Joe's.” I know what a man does for a living and financial stability is high on most women's mate list so I'm assuming these men should be up to par. Although in my personal experience these “ugly-ducklings” coincidentally all seemed to hold positions in the financial industry, i.e.. loan officer, investment banker, and sometimes real-estate. These are all good gigs no doubt and the truth is that there are all types in all industries (Obviously).
Growing up with 2 sisters I’ve seen a variety of men-types and ethnicities go after their affection. But out in the world most males hear women talk about that hot guy with the sick pack, strong jaw, and of tall stature. Other attributes high on the female “hot” list are a great sense of humor, ambition/drive, status, and of course loaded with moola$. I must admit humor, clever thinking, and ambition has gotten me plenty of pretty ladies.
But now me (and many male friends) are seeing and meeting pretty ladies with great personalities and careers dating and marrying the “Plain Joe”. Ok maybe he’s rich, nope. Maybe he’s funny? Well after several evenings with the last “Plain Joe,” answer is nope. In fact recently one lady’s husband was so childish and socially inappropriate that his jokes were offensive. It was painful to watch. He was also not in shape, not good looking and worked in a mid-level position at a commercial bank. So why did she marry him? Men of all ages have been reporting “She was so beautiful, then I see her boyfriend and i’m like what the hell?” Pictures of couples being posted on Facebook also providing evidence of this phenomena causing men of all ages asking the question, “What the ‘Eff”! “Why him?”
I know there are many variables to attraction and bonding such as Familiarity, Proximity, Commonality, self insecurities and upbringing. All of these contribute to finding someone more attractive than not. Combine that with some chemicals like dopamine and you very well may have yourself a relationship. Psychology, Biology, Sociology, and Evolution have always been the driven force creating relationships since the beginning of human mating. But why him? I guess the answer after dozens of conversation with these women could be summed up in one word... He is SAFE.
Safe can have many meanings depending on the woman. Safe often accompanies phrases like he “treats” her well and he’s “nice and non-threatening.” A good female friend told me that she dated “ugly” guys on purpose because they treated her the best and she felt less threatened and insecure with those types than their more “attractive”counterparts. Elements that eventually make the female “secure” in a variety of ways.
What’s ugly anyway? It’s in the eye of the beholder. I know for most men, physical beauty is important and relative. Thank God visual and physical good-looks are not as important to women as they are to men (generally speaking). And I use the word ugly only to be sarcastic. In a world of materialistic gratification, this “Ugly” phenomena is a refreshing reminder that women are looking beyond the superficial fancy cars and materialism and towards more important characteristics like honesty and plain old “niceness” instead. (Although financial stability still falls high on the list no matter what people say).
Good news for me is that if “Ugly” is in, then i should be cashing in on the pretty ladies..Wait, I think I just gave myself a lonely compliment.
Growing up with 2 sisters I’ve seen a variety of men-types and ethnicities go after their affection. But out in the world most males hear women talk about that hot guy with the sick pack, strong jaw, and of tall stature. Other attributes high on the female “hot” list are a great sense of humor, ambition/drive, status, and of course loaded with moola$. I must admit humor, clever thinking, and ambition has gotten me plenty of pretty ladies.
But now me (and many male friends) are seeing and meeting pretty ladies with great personalities and careers dating and marrying the “Plain Joe”. Ok maybe he’s rich, nope. Maybe he’s funny? Well after several evenings with the last “Plain Joe,” answer is nope. In fact recently one lady’s husband was so childish and socially inappropriate that his jokes were offensive. It was painful to watch. He was also not in shape, not good looking and worked in a mid-level position at a commercial bank. So why did she marry him? Men of all ages have been reporting “She was so beautiful, then I see her boyfriend and i’m like what the hell?” Pictures of couples being posted on Facebook also providing evidence of this phenomena causing men of all ages asking the question, “What the ‘Eff”! “Why him?”
I know there are many variables to attraction and bonding such as Familiarity, Proximity, Commonality, self insecurities and upbringing. All of these contribute to finding someone more attractive than not. Combine that with some chemicals like dopamine and you very well may have yourself a relationship. Psychology, Biology, Sociology, and Evolution have always been the driven force creating relationships since the beginning of human mating. But why him? I guess the answer after dozens of conversation with these women could be summed up in one word... He is SAFE.
Safe can have many meanings depending on the woman. Safe often accompanies phrases like he “treats” her well and he’s “nice and non-threatening.” A good female friend told me that she dated “ugly” guys on purpose because they treated her the best and she felt less threatened and insecure with those types than their more “attractive”counterparts. Elements that eventually make the female “secure” in a variety of ways.
What’s ugly anyway? It’s in the eye of the beholder. I know for most men, physical beauty is important and relative. Thank God visual and physical good-looks are not as important to women as they are to men (generally speaking). And I use the word ugly only to be sarcastic. In a world of materialistic gratification, this “Ugly” phenomena is a refreshing reminder that women are looking beyond the superficial fancy cars and materialism and towards more important characteristics like honesty and plain old “niceness” instead. (Although financial stability still falls high on the list no matter what people say).
Good news for me is that if “Ugly” is in, then i should be cashing in on the pretty ladies..Wait, I think I just gave myself a lonely compliment.
ARTICLE: WHY YOU ARE NOT MARRIED BY TRACEY MCMILLON
WHY YOU ARE NOT MARRIED, WOMEN (or Married to The Woman You want, men)
I found 2 articles from Tracey McMillon. The first is for women, the second is for men.
FOR WOMEN: The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.
1. You're a Bitch. Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off. The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.
2. You're Shallow. When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit. Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.
3. You're a Slut. Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long. That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.
4. You're a Liar. It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now." You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear! About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.
5. You're Selfish. If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems. Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.
6. You're Not Good Enough. Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job. Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this. I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.
Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry. Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.
The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:
FOR MEN Well, you want Her, with a capital H. The sexiest, most beautiful, smartest, most resourceful, desirable woman you can get. But that's the problem, isn't it? You can't get her. And here are the reasons why:
1. You're a dick. It kind of goes without saying, women want to be with a guy who is nice to them. (Though the first and probably biggest sign you're a dick is that you don't believe this.) But when you are sarcastic, argumentative, or contemptuous of a woman's lady-ways—the messy friends, the astrology-talk, the big, big emotions—you're not being nice. Even if you open her car door on dates. Being a dick is when you're so self-centered, you think your ideas are pretty much the only worthy ones and you secretly believe other people are inferior to you. Not that you know you think this. Like your female counterpart, the Bitch, you'd rather believe other people just can't handle how awesome you are. And you're right. All that awesomeness sucks, actually. In any case, if you want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks and acts just like you, why not start fucking your dude friends?
2. You're a pussy. It's not fair to women that calling a man a pussy is considered an insult. Because we women love and cherish our pussies, just as you do. But that said, you know what's meant by this: You're a guy who is taking it, not giving it. Day to day, this translates to letting yourself be pushed around—by your boss, by telephone tech support people, and of course, by women. I know my gender studies friends are going to get mad at me for saying so, but a whole lotta men (and a bunch of women, too) define manhood by the ways in which a guy is able to "stick it" to the world. I'm not saying that's how manhood should be defined, but I do know this: Being able to draw a (fair, loving) line is a key ingredient in partnering. And the most desirable women have so many options for mates, they're not often going to settle for any guy who can't do that.
3. You're still married to your mom. Ewwwww. Why would I even say something so disgusting? Well, because every man starts life in exactly the same place: inside his mother's body. Okay? That's how important your mom is. You lived in there, and even though you don't remember it, this was a big deal. Then you were born and for the first ten years or so, you were completely dependent on this woman in her twenties or thirties (and you know how these women are, because you're dating them) for everything: food, warmth, shelter, cookies. And this fucked you up. It just did. Even if your mom did it perfectly, which she didn't, you came out of the experience with some quirks at best and trauma at worst. Which is a long way of saying: if you want to stop dating strippers, alcoholics, and/or ragers, you are going to have to work this shit out.
4. You're broke. I've noticed a really interesting thing: Most men magically begin to consider marriage right around the time they become able to afford a wife. Obviously, that's in part because traditionally, wives require money. But, the bigger issue is that a man's money game is indicative of something larger—like his whole life situation. Your money shows your relationship to work, and your relationship to power. And your relationship to power tells whether you're right within. There are exceptions to this, of course: like, you're about to get a Ph.D. in rocket science, or you're a badass community organizer who is about to run for state legislature. But more often than not, if you're over 30 and you're broke, something's broken. And if you want to get respect from women, you are going to need to figure out what it is.
5. You're shallow. This is so obvious I almost didn't mention it. I have an attorney friend who once said he "only dates eights, nines, and tens". When I asked him to give an example of a "nine," he named an actress most famous for playing second banana on Baywatch. Needless to say, if your notion of the ideal woman is the junk-food version of female sexuality, you are not going to be interested in a long-term relationship unless one of the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders suddenly decides to marry you. And that's not going to happen. The cosmic joke here, of course, is that the very woman you want only for her boobs, in turn only wants you for your wallet. Which means you guys deserve each other.
6. You're a user. The biggest thing a man has to conquer is himself. But guys who haven't figured that out try to conquer everything around them—business rivals, rainforests, oil-producing nations, and of course, women—which ends up looking an awful lot like exploitation. If you're still using people, places, and things for your own gratification, you're not just a detriment to the world, you're a little boy. (Real estate developers, cult leaders, U.S. senators, and computer barons are a few examples that come immediately to mind.) Using includes hedge-fund pillaging, lying to women in order to control them, and abusing yourself or others—through words, deeds, or substances. (Yes, pornography is a substance.) This isn't about moralizing. It's about being aligned with what is highest in you. And though this is going to get me into a big argument with my philosopher boyfriend about the is-ought problem, I will just say that exploiting people and/or things is not what's highest in a man. Period.
So, there you have it. It's pretty simple, really. In order to get (or keep) a really amazing woman—and why would you want anything less?—you are going to have to be a really amazing man. But you're not even sort of amazing yet. Which means you're stuck dating the women who will take you as-is. And deep down, you know you can do better. You can do better by being better.
Now, I'm not saying that you can wake up next to Kate Upton sometime next year. (She's too young, anyway.)
I found 2 articles from Tracey McMillon. The first is for women, the second is for men.
FOR WOMEN: The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.
1. You're a Bitch. Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off. The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.
2. You're Shallow. When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit. Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.
3. You're a Slut. Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long. That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.
4. You're a Liar. It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now." You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear! About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.
5. You're Selfish. If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems. Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.
6. You're Not Good Enough. Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job. Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this. I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.
Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry. Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.
The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:
FOR MEN Well, you want Her, with a capital H. The sexiest, most beautiful, smartest, most resourceful, desirable woman you can get. But that's the problem, isn't it? You can't get her. And here are the reasons why:
1. You're a dick. It kind of goes without saying, women want to be with a guy who is nice to them. (Though the first and probably biggest sign you're a dick is that you don't believe this.) But when you are sarcastic, argumentative, or contemptuous of a woman's lady-ways—the messy friends, the astrology-talk, the big, big emotions—you're not being nice. Even if you open her car door on dates. Being a dick is when you're so self-centered, you think your ideas are pretty much the only worthy ones and you secretly believe other people are inferior to you. Not that you know you think this. Like your female counterpart, the Bitch, you'd rather believe other people just can't handle how awesome you are. And you're right. All that awesomeness sucks, actually. In any case, if you want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks and acts just like you, why not start fucking your dude friends?
2. You're a pussy. It's not fair to women that calling a man a pussy is considered an insult. Because we women love and cherish our pussies, just as you do. But that said, you know what's meant by this: You're a guy who is taking it, not giving it. Day to day, this translates to letting yourself be pushed around—by your boss, by telephone tech support people, and of course, by women. I know my gender studies friends are going to get mad at me for saying so, but a whole lotta men (and a bunch of women, too) define manhood by the ways in which a guy is able to "stick it" to the world. I'm not saying that's how manhood should be defined, but I do know this: Being able to draw a (fair, loving) line is a key ingredient in partnering. And the most desirable women have so many options for mates, they're not often going to settle for any guy who can't do that.
3. You're still married to your mom. Ewwwww. Why would I even say something so disgusting? Well, because every man starts life in exactly the same place: inside his mother's body. Okay? That's how important your mom is. You lived in there, and even though you don't remember it, this was a big deal. Then you were born and for the first ten years or so, you were completely dependent on this woman in her twenties or thirties (and you know how these women are, because you're dating them) for everything: food, warmth, shelter, cookies. And this fucked you up. It just did. Even if your mom did it perfectly, which she didn't, you came out of the experience with some quirks at best and trauma at worst. Which is a long way of saying: if you want to stop dating strippers, alcoholics, and/or ragers, you are going to have to work this shit out.
4. You're broke. I've noticed a really interesting thing: Most men magically begin to consider marriage right around the time they become able to afford a wife. Obviously, that's in part because traditionally, wives require money. But, the bigger issue is that a man's money game is indicative of something larger—like his whole life situation. Your money shows your relationship to work, and your relationship to power. And your relationship to power tells whether you're right within. There are exceptions to this, of course: like, you're about to get a Ph.D. in rocket science, or you're a badass community organizer who is about to run for state legislature. But more often than not, if you're over 30 and you're broke, something's broken. And if you want to get respect from women, you are going to need to figure out what it is.
5. You're shallow. This is so obvious I almost didn't mention it. I have an attorney friend who once said he "only dates eights, nines, and tens". When I asked him to give an example of a "nine," he named an actress most famous for playing second banana on Baywatch. Needless to say, if your notion of the ideal woman is the junk-food version of female sexuality, you are not going to be interested in a long-term relationship unless one of the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders suddenly decides to marry you. And that's not going to happen. The cosmic joke here, of course, is that the very woman you want only for her boobs, in turn only wants you for your wallet. Which means you guys deserve each other.
6. You're a user. The biggest thing a man has to conquer is himself. But guys who haven't figured that out try to conquer everything around them—business rivals, rainforests, oil-producing nations, and of course, women—which ends up looking an awful lot like exploitation. If you're still using people, places, and things for your own gratification, you're not just a detriment to the world, you're a little boy. (Real estate developers, cult leaders, U.S. senators, and computer barons are a few examples that come immediately to mind.) Using includes hedge-fund pillaging, lying to women in order to control them, and abusing yourself or others—through words, deeds, or substances. (Yes, pornography is a substance.) This isn't about moralizing. It's about being aligned with what is highest in you. And though this is going to get me into a big argument with my philosopher boyfriend about the is-ought problem, I will just say that exploiting people and/or things is not what's highest in a man. Period.
So, there you have it. It's pretty simple, really. In order to get (or keep) a really amazing woman—and why would you want anything less?—you are going to have to be a really amazing man. But you're not even sort of amazing yet. Which means you're stuck dating the women who will take you as-is. And deep down, you know you can do better. You can do better by being better.
Now, I'm not saying that you can wake up next to Kate Upton sometime next year. (She's too young, anyway.)
JOURNAL
I am not feeling myself for a few weeks already. I found out last weekend that I might have "root fracture" which require a bone graft...implants...ect. It about 6 month of treatment on my tooth. Went for a second opinion last night and my old dentist agreed. I am letting him do it..since my insurance won't really pay for anything....which sucks big time.
My mom got surgery done on this week. She is doing well. I worry about her constantly.
Still feeling lonely.
My mom got surgery done on this week. She is doing well. I worry about her constantly.
Still feeling lonely.
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