FROM A FAN: ABOUT LOVE

Over the past few days, as I was perusing my Facebook newsfeed, I came across several update posts from single girlfriends spread out across the nation that shared a common thread. Different women, same negative sentiment, and cryptic posts declaring an outright boycott on love. Saddened to see these wonderful women throw in the towel and vow to close their hearts. 

Repeatedly having their hearts broken, getting worked up over a man, and ending up let down every time. Taking it as far as, giving up on future prospects of dating, retreating from social media outlets, and letting bitterness win the battle. Compelled to reach out to my sweet single sisters, provide encouragement, and impart a word of advice.

It frustrates me to no end when I see women date complete donkeys, tolerate horrible behavior, make endless excuses for douche-baggery, sell themselves short, shed tears, and give up on LOVE. No one should ever give up on happiness, love and themselves. When I heard my girlfriend tell me she wasn't enough for him in order for him to stay, I almost blew a head gasket. No one should ever have to feel this way.

Realizing this was grief speaking, I struggled how to gently give my girlfriend a good shake and wake up call. As Dr. Phil McGraw would say, "What are you thinking?!" I am sure you are thinking that I am being incredibly judgemental and I need to get off my soap box. Balancing a listening ear and biting my tongue can be a challenge for me. While I believe I am supportive, my experiences have molded me into becoming very straight-forward, perhaps brutally honest individual. Sugar coating doesn't help anyone.

Take for example, in the past, if I was dating a not so nice guy, my girlfriends would tip toe around what they really want to say. On the other hand, my best male friend, would give me his shooting straight from the hip opinion. Not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear. Most of the time, what my girlfriends would say, would go in one ear, out the other.

However, the blunt man approach has been most effective with me. I have adopted it myself. I will never forget the day my best friend, Rob, told me what he thought of the man I was seriously dating. "Cis, he did (fill in the blank) and he did (fill in the blank) to you. Not.A.Fan." That was all I needed to hear. Guess which stuck with me?

As I write this, I want to express that I am not pointing fingers or placing blame on past romances that did not thrive. Simply I wanted to share that we ALL experience heartache. Even the one who broke your heart has had his broken at some point too. We are all human. Now it is time to glance in the mirror.  Taking a good look at yourself is not always the easiest pill to swallow. However it is a necessary act towards healing and moving forward in life.

As I look back, it is interesting to see how I never imagined to find love again after my divorce. Yet, a year after filing for divorce, I met a man whom, overtime, I fell madly in love with. The depths of my love for this man exceeded anything I had ever felt before. Not even with my former husband during our twenty years together. Still to this day, I have yet to feel a similar connection with another person. Much like my girlfriends, I was so blinded by love and a dopamine overload clouded my rational thinking, I remained in a relationship that was not good for me.

Never settle. Love yourself enough to know when to walk away.  It is never too late. You want to be treated right, you must demand and expect it. Men and women (this goes for you too fellas) will treat you the way you ALLOW them to treat you. 

Long story short, I spent two years loving an emotionally unavailable man, who was still separated for almost TEN years. It was a stream of excuses of why he remained married on paper, how his ex broke his heart, why he will never remarry, etc. Pouring all my love into him, hoping he would miraculously change, praying his heart would turn, and that we would live happily ever after. Apparently, aliens abducted me and performed a lobotomy, thinking now, "Where was your brain, Cicily?"

When the military moved him to the East Coast, I was devastated, because he moved on. On occasion, I would receive a text every six months, claiming he was thinking of me and missed me. Sometimes throwing in an "I love you". Even visiting each other on the East Coast several times. I allowed him to treat me as an option, not a priority. 

Finally, I took a stand. No longer was I was going to allow myself to be strung along and having him rip off the band aid on my heart ever few months. Putting myself first meant I had to make the choice to cut all communication. It was about time, I learned how to love myself. At the end of the day, I don't regret our time together or how it ended. I loved him. I am sure he loved me, as much as he was capable of loving. We shared wonderful memories. Sometimes that is not enough. I am grateful for him because it was a catalyst for profound change in my life.

Over the last two years, I have chosen to not get into another serious relationship, until I figured out the following: what makes me happy, what do I love, what do I love about myself, actualizing those life goals and figuring out exactly what kind of man am I seeking to enhance my life. 

Instead of pining for the past over unrequited love, why not take this very moment to express gratitude for the perfect individual God has chosen for you. When someone loves you, I promise you they are going to stick around and fight for you. If not, let them go, they weren't the one.  J.D Salinger once said, "There are still a few men who love desperately." I believe this to be true and I am willing to hold out. 

Sometimes I smile to myself, knowing despite all the countless heartbreaks, somehow I know someday that it will all turn out. I may have to wait. I will never give up. I know in my heart, wherever he is, whenever it is right, he will come out of nowhere, and into my life. So my sweet ladies. You definitely will have to wait, but please don't ever give up. Somewhere in this great big world, your love is out there looking for you,

DATING/LOVE: DATING A SINGLE MOM AND WHY YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER SHOULD TAKE PRECEDENCE

To me, for the good of any relationship or marriage, no relationship takes precedence over it. I tell my friends all the time.."Take care of your marriage because if that fails, so does everything else..."  If your relationship fails it means your child wont have the benefit of having both parents to love, care for, instruct, & impart knowledge on him/her so the child is missing what it needs most from life. It takes two parents to make the child and it takes two parents to raise a mentally stable, healthy & complete child. If your relationship/marriage fails from neglect, you cannot teach your child how to have a successful relationship/marriage because you don't know how yourself.

When couples put each other first, their needs are met. This creates a stronger bond between them, which makes them better able to meet their child's needs and create a positive, healthy atmosphere in which to raise a family. When you put your children first, you risk losing your partner, which causes family upheaval and fear and insecurity in children. It is the couple relationship that helps the household run smoothly

Single parenthood is a unique challenge  I don't think I could do it.I was involved with a single woman for three years. I learned a lot during that time.

I realized that I  require a lot of attention which most single mom are unable to provide since they have to give most of their attention to their kids. I totally understand that. Being involved with a single mom doesn't involve just one heart, but the hearts of her children.  Most kids are more likely than not would to resent me and my presence for not being their real dad. Ex-husband or boyfriend are always in the picture which always cause alot of drama.

A lot of single moms also don’t want to have more children which I do want. Ex-husband or boyfriend are always in the picture.

JOURNAL: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

Today is my birthday. I am grateful for everything that I have. Last year this time, I was in the hospital cafe...wondering if my father would live or die. And last night, my father surprised me with a gift. I was touch. I am going to focus only on what I have and be grateful for it...I don't want to complain about that much anymore.

It's snowing today. I might actually leave work early today..which would be another gift that God has given to me.

LOVE LETTER: DEAR SOULMATE

Dear Soulmate,
How many ways to I love you..let me count them all when I'm able to do that Only then will you know let me tell you what I feel each and every time we kiss. Deep-reaching thoughts consume my soul.And fire of love burns deep within me. As you struck my heart with tender words you spoke.The crave for your love draws me close to you. You make my life worth a living and sweet. The smile on your face guides me through the night and became the light that brightens up my day.Your passionate voice caresses my soul as joy fills my heart,with thoughts of you. Can you imagine Loving someone forever? I know I could;Now that I'm falling for you.Every single second my heart beats. Saying I could fall in love. You are the water I drink...I see you in everything...You are the air I breathe...We will forever be...I love you, whole body and soul...I am cast in your spell, ever to hold...You make my heart ever free...My one true love you will be...With your hand in mine is my life...Together we'll make it through life's strife...You are my love, my soul mate, dear...I'll love you forever, have no fear..How could I possibly love you more,When it is you that I adore.I don't know how, but I do,Fall deeper and deeper in love with you.You are so special and I want to say,I love you more with each passing day.I would show you how much you mean to me,With a hug and a kiss placed, so, tenderly.So, if you love me, as I do you, Then, these feelings, we share, must be true.

ARTICLE:The science of happily ever after By Susannah Cahalan

Make a mental list of attributes you’d require in your perfect mate. Do you picture a handsome, tall man, with six figures in the bank, a sharp wit, a sweet sensibility and an Ivy League diploma to round him out?

Well, I have a bridge to sell you.

That’s because in love, as with genies, we only get three wishes, says relationship expert Ty Tashiro. The more traits you pick that are above the average, the lower the statistical odds that you’ll find a match. And three is the tipping point.

Imagine you have a room of 100 men. If you choose mediocrity — the trifecta of average income, looks and height — you’ll have, statistically, only 13 suitors out of 100 to choose from. Increase your criteria to an attractive man at least 6-feet tall who makes $87,000, and you’re left with only one.

Add another trait — funny, kind, even a political affiliation — and it becomes statistically impossible to find him out of 100 men.

Tashiro, a professor at the Center for Addictions, Personality, and Emotion Research at the University of Maryland, has run the numbers and thinks we’re approaching this whole finding-a-mate thing wrong. He urges singles to be more statistical in their approach to the “irrational” world of dating.

“All this wishing has led to a case of wanting everything and getting nothing,” Tashiro writes in his first book, “The Science of Happily Ever After: What Really
Matters in the Quest for Enduring Love” (Harlequin). Dating should be “about learning to weed out the undesirable traits and rethinking our views about what really matters in a romantic partner.”

Our fairy-tale view of romance — 88 percent of adults believe in soul mates — has contributed to the fact that although 90 percent of people will marry in their lifetimes, only three in 10 will find enduring love, Tashiro says. (He gets this statistic by adding unhappy marriages and separations to the 50 percent divorce rate).

When finding a long-term partner, don’t waste your wishes, he warns.

So what should be on your list? Keep attractiveness off the table, if you can. Looks are not a predictor of sexual satisfaction, nor do they correlate to happier marriages. In fact, there “is no reliable association between physical attractiveness and relationship satisfaction,” he writes, quoting from his own research.

A study at the University of Tennessee, which recruited 82 newlyweds to rate each other’s attractiveness (to keep it honest they also had the research assistants rate their hotness factor), corroborates his conclusions. What they found was that there was “no relationship between either partner’s level of physical attractiveness and either partner’s relationship satisfaction.” The only significant association found was that the most physically attractive men were least satisfied with their marriages.

In addition, money does not a happy marriage make — at least over a certain point. Money makes a difference on the low end of the income scale (which has the highest divorce rates in the first 10 years of marriage), but there seem to be “diminishing returns” on happiness in marriage above a financially stable $75,000 a year.

“Once this $75,000 threshold is crossed, there is no significant association between more wealth and higher levels of psychological well-being,” Tashiro writes. “There comes a point when affluence becomes associated with social pressures and social isolation.”

It seems smartest, then, to focus on finding someone who can “help you create a household where basic needs are met and there is a low probability of experiencing economic hardship.”

So what is the best personality indicator for sustaining a loving relationship? The answer is . . . drum roll, please . . . agreeableness, a. k. a. “the nice guy.”

Agreeableness, one of the Big Five personality traits in the Five Factor Model of human psychology — the others being extroversion, conscientiousness, neuroticism and openness — describes someone who is “courteous, flexible, trusting, good-natured, cooperative, forgiving, soft-hearted and tolerant.”

Sure, it’s unsexy, but it’s the most reliable sign that your mate is a keeper for the long haul.

One study of 168 couples found that “the best variables for predicting who would stay married, even better than love, expressions of affection or negativity, was responsiveness, which is closely related to the trait of agreeableness,” Tashiro writes.

Plus, agreeable people are often better in bed.

“Men high in agreeableness are not only more likely to be kind, but also more likely to keep the sexual desire alive in relationships,” he writes. They are more giving and often more sensitive, which makes for better between-the-sheets action.

In other words, when looking for marriage material, nice guys should finish first. This is equally true for men looking for women: Niceness trumps all.

If

you’re playing the odds, it’s best to invest in a nice mate instead of a hot or filthy rich one.

Even more so, nice guys tend to stay nice. Looks and money do not come with a lifelong guarantee, while personality traits (i.e. those Big Five) tend to stay constant over a lifetime, according to longitudinal studies.

So what is the No. 1 worst trait for relationship sustainability? Sorry, Woody Allen and friends: This one is neuroticism, defined as those prone to anxiety, depression, embarrassment, emotional instability and insecurity.

One study found that neurotic partners were more likely to break up with partners with lower rates of neuroticism “as if neurotics could not stand their good fortune.”

Many other studies have found that neuroticism is the No. 1 predictor of future relationship success — or lack thereof.

“The only variable that distinguished happily married couples from those who were unhappily married and from the two groups that divorced was contrariness, which is the variable most closely related to the personality trait of neuroticism,” Tashiro writes.

That’s not all. Openness, though a good trait on the surface — cultivated, cultured, imaginative, original — makes for a relationship disaster when combined with low levels of conscientiousness. This novelty-seeking mate is almost certain to cheat, he writes.

Unfortunately, because of the magic tricks that love plays on perception, we often don’t see the tell-tale signs. There’s actually a term for
this trend: Researchers call it “positive illusory bias,” when people inflate the positive personality traits and future potential of their mates, compared to outside judges like family, friends and even strangers.

Take this sobering study conducted by John Gottman at the University of Washington. Couples came to the “Love Lab” and were asked to talk for 15 minutes about “continuing disagreements” and “events of the day” as researchers who had never met the couple observed.

Certain behaviors — like signs of defensiveness or resentment — were noted. With these details, trained researchers were able to detect whether or not the couple would divorce in 10 years with 90 percent accuracy. In another similar study done at Harvard, even untrained undergraduates were able to guess the couples’ futures based on a 15 minute interaction with an 81 percent accuracy.

While researchers can see clearly, so many of us are blinded by love.

So what are we do to?

To properly fall in love, you need to have sound levels of “liking” and “lusting,” Tashiro writes. It sounds simple, but maintaining both factors is complicated — especially when you take into account attrition rates.

Like and lust diminish over time, but at different rates. According to studies, liking declines at a rate of 3 percent per year, while lust deteriorates faster at 8 percent per year. Clearly, putting our eggs in the like basket is a much smarter investment strategy, Tashiro says.

Knowing all this — and most of us should — doesn’t stop the fact that finding a mate is largely an “irrational” process. Statistics and love are like oil and water, but Tashiro hopes to make the mixture a bit more palatable, especially for those looking for long-term love.

Be clear about our goals, he says. Are we looking for a fling? A marriage? Do we want stability or a hot affair? Once we know this, move on to the traits that we require in a lover. (Remember: No more than three.)

“A grown-up love story should not be a fairy tale or a romantic tragedy, but instead should be approached as a mystery,” he writes. “If the goal is to find the truth in love, to search for love that is real and enduring, then love cannot be left to fate.”

One thing you can do is to take seriously those early red flags, the peccadilloes in our loved ones we’re certain we can change.

“If you choose someone with traits that drive you crazy or make you sad while you’re dating, then those traits will make you crazy or sad for decades to come,” he writes. “So you want to choose well, because what you see is what you get.”

PERSONAL/ LOVE LETTER: DEAR YOU

Dear You,

You appear to be attractive, funny, intelligent, Based on these characteristics, assuming you are straight, and taking into consideration that I am also intelligent, also a  occasionally funny (especially when I can actually think straight instead of having a panic attack because you’re standing right there in front of me talking to me and looking so incredibly beautiful) and not completely hideous, I think you should give some serious thought to the possibility of falling in love with me. I will warn you that I am mildly awkward, hopelessly clumsy, woefully inexperienced, and apparently very prone to overusing adverbs. Also, I’m a total nerd. However, I’m more or less a cool person and you seem like a similarly cool person, and therefore, as previously stated, it may be in your best interests to fall in love with me, even just a little bit. Think about it, okay?

With Affection,
Me

PERSONAL: LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

You froze me in place the first time I saw you, My feelings are deep and my soul full of many passions. Why do I feel so strangely after one glance? All those stories about love at first sight. Maybe my mom was right. Your smile was warm and reached from ear to ear. Your laugh is contagious and warms every corner of my soul. Why do I feel so connected after one glance? I try and shake it but you already have a hold on my heart. Your voice as resonant as a bass guitar and is felt throughout my heart. It is magical and soothing transporting me to a place I have never been. I try to hear the thoughts of my head but my heart whispers back, it is ok to love. Your walk both sturdy and fast, it reflects your strength. The vibrations of your surrounding energy engulf me. I can see and feel the essence of who you are. I want more but I am afraid, I know everything will be alright because I already love you. Time has passed and we have had so many adventures. What happened to us? We say we are in different places in our lives. We try and move on but we can not. We are connected. I hear it in your resonant voice and the way you touch me. You are my true soul mate. The first time I saw you I knew it was true. But yet we are still in limbo, afraid of what we feel, to stubborn to know what we really have. Everything you are has already changed the way I feel about my life. I want to let go of myself once again, I want to feel and know you again, I want you back because I am lost in a place where I feel nothing without you. My dreams of you and I are all I have left. I love you

LOVE/THOUGHTS: WOMAN ARE CRAZY

It’s 8 o’ clock at night. I get home from a long day’s work and before I can take off my coat, my cell phone rings. It’s her, and although we’d talked for hours the night before, instant messaged, emailed and exchanged texts all day, I still couldn’t wait to hear her voice.

Flash forward six hours and we’re still on the phone, deep in parley. Our conversation has traversed all matter of subject: Jungian collective subconscious, twelve dimensional universes and the implicate order, Sufi poetry and East Indian sex manuals predating the Kama Sutra. We’d gone from intellectual to emotional to deeply sensual and back; a veritable cornucopia of colloquy.

And then, at two-fifteen in the morning, everything flips. Something I said must have hit her tripwire, because without warning, she became irrational, aggressive and hostile. Her voice went all pitchy, and in a millisecond the water between us went from steam to ice. She slammed the phone down in my ear, and now I was lying in the dark, heart stinging, ears ringing, wondering what the HELL had happened.

‘That bitch’ I told myself ‘is crazy.”

Before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, let’s insert the appropriate disclaimers. First of all, I only ever use the word ‘bitch’ in a friendly, familiar way; the way really good friends greet each other with insults. Embracing a term of derision can convert it into a term of endearment, provided you only do this with people you have genuine affection for. That’s why I can call my guy friends bastards,  et cetera, without having to worry about offending anyone. Use the expression with someone with whom you are not intimately acquainted, or in anger, and you deserve what’s coming to you.

Second, I’m clearly speaking in gross generalizations. Not all women are bitches, or crazy, but let’s do the math: Some women are bitches, some people are crazy, all women are people. Hence, some women are crazy bitches.

Men aren’t crazy; men are dicks. We may do things that are thoughtless, inconsiderate, or just plain ignorant. But generally speaking we’re of sound mind when we do them. Put it this way: if emotional states were an amusement park ride, what would be the male equivalent? The bumper cars: a ‘vehicle’ with no brakes and no seat belts, surrounded by rubber where the whole point of the ride is to slam into another vehicle so hard you jar their teeth loose.

The female version of an amusement park ride is obviously the roller coaster. From the initial climb up that first steep hill, you can feel the tension building slowly, until that first drop puts your stomach up in your throat, and then flips, speeds, twists and turns in ways designed to separate you from your sense of equilibrium. Like women, roller coasters can be simultaneously unpredictable, terrifying and euphoric.

And we love every second of it. Let’s face it; there’s a reason no one lines up for the merry-go-round.

Men and women have the ability to be dicks and crazy, respectively. The amount to which they exercise this depends on the individual and the circumstance. Not all men are dicks and not all women are crazy, but if you think some guy you know is so loving and kind he doesn’t have the capacity to be a complete dick, you don’t know him well enough. Conversely, if you’re naive enough to believe that some woman is so demure and sweet that she doesn’t have the capacity to completely flip the script on you, you don’t know her well enough.

Estrogen is a helluva drug. I’m convinced if you could chop it up and snort it, the effect would be equivalent to ingesting a combination of cocaine, meth, and ‘shooms. Sometimes you can actually see the mind working feverishly behind the madness, as I’ve heard my female friends muse aloud ‘why do I feel like killing everyone I know today?’ The smartest, most emotionally stable women I know are still prone to occasional bouts of hormone induced hysteria, which obviously can be aggravated by dickish behavior in men.

I wasn’t being a dick, and I couldn’t think of anything I’d done to elicit such a strong reaction. I was still trying to figure out when I zigged where I was supposed to zag when the phone rang. It was two-thirty in the morning.

‘I’m sorry’, she said contritely, ‘for being such a bitch.’

“Apology accepted,’ I replied. ‘I know you’re crazy.’

‘Well then why do you put up with my shit?’ she asked.

‘Simple’ I countered. ‘Because you’re extraordinary.’

I felt all of her softness return. ‘Define “extraordinary”‘ she said.

‘This is easy’ I told her. ‘I leave my house in the morning. I see a beautiful woman. I think to myself “Wow, I’d love to fuck her.” This is not extraordinary. This is about the most ordinary thing a man can think. Given the number of women I encounter on any given day, that thought may pass through my head anywhere from fifty to one hundred times. However I already know: chances are that bitch is crazy. We might fuck once or twice; maybe thrice, but sooner or later her crazy is going to kick in, and then physical attraction alone won’t be reason enough to tolerate her bullshit.’

‘The next level’ I continued ‘is mental: when a woman truly makes you think, when she pushes your mind in new directions, when she challenges your intellectual capacity and makes you consider things in ways you never have before. This is highly unusual, but it’s not extraordinary. Deep down she’s crazy too, and when she goes cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, perspicacity won’t be sufficient cause to continue conversing.’

‘The level above that is when your feelings are engaged. You begin to really care about someone, and it’s reciprocal. Souls merge and hearts intertwine. This is extremely rare’ I said, ‘but still not extraordinary. Sooner or later the straight-jacket hanging in her walk-in closet is going to make an appearance, and it won’t be to make a fashion statement. Right about then I’ll be looking for a marble sink I can throw out of a window and make my escape.’

‘I work under the assumption that ALL women are crazy. This includes the woman who can challenge your mind, soothe your soul and inflame your senses. Is she crazy? Hell yes. In fact, her special brand of madness is probably in direct proportion to how extraordinary she is; she’s extraordinarily crazy. But she’s worth it.

‘You’re worth it. I can deal with any version of your lunacy, because at the end of the day, that which is worth having is worth paying for, and if the price of being with you is dealing with your crazy, sign me up.’

‘Cause I loves me some crazy bitches.’

THOUGHTS: I WANT TO RIP OFF YOUR LOGIC AND MAKE PASSIONATE SENSE TO YOU

"I want to rip off your logic and make passionate sense to you" she whispered, pausing shortly so I could feel her breath on my ear. She moved back to look into my eyes with her left hand still on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry", I said sheepishly, looking down to avoid eye contact. "My religion forbids that sort of thing".

But she already knew what I was going to say that, and was ready for it. Slowly placing her remaining hand on my other shoulder while leaning in, then letting her cheek brush softly against mine while she moved her mouth to my ear and whispered:

"You have no idea the fallacies we could pick apart.. one after another.... "

She moved to my other ear, rubbing her cheek against mine, noses touching as they passed.

"The inconsistencies..."

Her head dropped a little, leaning into mine so I could smell her hair, and came back up toward my ear and quietly uttered,

"The false analogies... and a sample size..."

She slowly breathed in and out, then gasped:

"...of one".

I couldn't help myself. I was hers, and it was wonderful. I never heard from my religion again. Logic was more elegant, with clean, smooth lines. She seduced me, pure and simple, and I've never looked back.

PERSONAL: I'M THE NICE GUY

I’m the nice guy that my female counterparts love to talk to and figure out their deep issues with…
I’m the nice guy that won’t take things too far, because my conscience won’t allow me to…
I’m the nice guy that’s too scared to say what he actually wants, and will probably let every woman on the face of the earth destroy his self-esteem…
I’m the nice guy that you’ll talk to for hours on end, but you’ll never see me as more than just a friend…
I’m the nice guy that would do anything for you and never hurt you, because I care that much…
I’m the nice guy that will give you a shoulder to cry on when that asshole at the party slept with you and never called back…
I’m the nice guy that will take care of you when you’re sick…
I’m the nice guy that will be honest with you 100% of the time when you ask me questions…
I’m the nice guy that is willing to admit my mistakes and wrongdoings…
I’m the nice guy that will tell you my screwed up stories, in order to make that little thing upsetting you feel like nothing…
I’m the nice guy that will listen to anything you have to say, will laugh at your jokes, and cry with your heartbreak…
I’m the nice guy that’s too willing to give up a possibility of something deeper between us in order make you happier…
I’m the nice guy that could eventually love you, and won’t use that word to get you to sleep with me…
I’m the nice guy that thinks you’re amazing, and wouldn’t change a thing about you…
I’m the nice guy that gets ahead of himself in thought, and will be heartbroken at every setback…
I’m the nice guy…
who will never send this letter…

LOVE LETTER/PERSONAL: DEAR SOULMATE...I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE LOVE WAS UNTIL...

Dear Soulmate,

I didn't know what the love was..until I was grasped by your arms  one afternoon.I didn't know what the love was...until I was drinking of your lips-   an illusion that arrived to stay. I didn't know what the love was...until I looked at myself in the mirror of your eyes, and I discovered I could submerge in your world to appreciate the dawns and the dusks of your soul... and mine. I didn't know what the love was...until I realized I laughed as a lunatic in nights of the full moon, when I got my soul drunk with wine that sprang from your breasts. I didn't know what the love was...until I began to live with you! At times my heart is full of love for you.At times it's full of desire.When you walked into my life you brightened my day, you rolled my threatening clouds away and the ones that stayed, had their silver linings. When you say you love me, my heart just melts like sugar on one's tongue. When you look into my eyes my soul is set on fire so you put it out with your kiss.When you touch me my heart bursts and the feelings I have, I can't contain.When you make love to me a feeling of pleasure tingles through my body. When you love me, I completely love you back.You were the one who woke me from sleep and stole my heart with a love so deep.You grasped me from darkness not a moment too soon. The light in you soul was impossible to avoid:Hate, you banished.  Fear, you destroyed. The day I met you the loss of love was quenched. My soul, once so dry, was instantly drenched. Please, you must never forget all that was destined for us... that day we met



As I sit missing you wanting you,....my senses begin to wander.All of a sudden I can smell. Your aromatic scent.I look around, you are not there. With every figure that walks by...They all remind me of you.I blink twice to see that you are not there.The next thing I know....I hear your voice.The beautiful music of your caressing vocalization soothes my soul. I stop for a second only to realize that heavenly sound has gone in that second not only do I realize you may not be there, but the senses I am feeling are not fooling me. I do not smell you, I do not see you, I do not hear you, I am smelling, seeing, and hearing Love.

THOUGHTS/LOVE: BELIEVE ONLY IN THE THINGS YOU CAN SEE?

Do you believe only in the things you can see? It is the thing not seen that is the most important -- a house is a thing seen, but a home is a thing unseen; a brain can be seen, but a mind is unseen; you can see a mother's face, but not the love behind it; you can see a word, but not an idea. Love, joy, peace, and laughter surround us just like the invisible atmosphere we breathe, but sometimes we lose our faith. Sometimes, we are unaware of the invisible ripple of hope in the outstretched hands. Sometimes we forget the love for things unseen: for the baby in the womb, for the memory that comes at night of a sweet romance,  or for the dream of peace

 In the song "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face", the songwriter Ewan McColl describes that his love for Peggy Seeger  was there from the first moment he saw her face. This song goes on to say,  "He will love her until the end of time", that is, forever. This sweet song reminds us of Erich Fromm's quote above which states that  "love is a decision, a beginning of a promise to love someone forever."

 Another sweet poem about the other end of  the lover's body, is Pablo  Neurda's  poem called "Your Feet", 

JOURNAL/SPIRITUALITY/GETTING TO THE CORE/PERONAL/LOVE: MY SOULMATE JOURNEY....LOOKING BACK

One of my favorite artists, Alex Gray published a book, Sacred Mirrors. In his book he shares his incredible artistic talent. One of his paintings, Psychic Energy System, portrays in great detail this energy field. His paintings bring to life the cosmic physiology. He strips away our coat of flesh and exposes man from the inside. He further captures our ethereal field in great detail on canvas. He illustrates hundreds of circuits of energy that are active at all times. These circuits are invisible to the naked eye.

Imagine your body with fine, thin threads of electrical current extending from you. These currents are so fine they cannot be seen. They extend several feet in every direction. They are like tiny feelers. They connect to a person before we ever engage in conversation. These energy currents are positive and negative forces, responding and rejecting. They reject energy completely different from their own. They respond to similar patterns. These circuits play a very important part in what we attract.

Soulmates are attracted to the ethereal body or the energy patterns of another. This is the initial attraction. The first conscious attraction can be either ethereal or physical. The attraction that lasts is the ethereal.

The soulmate relationship is a marriage of two similar souls or two similar energy patterns. When we are physically attracted to someone, we hope for the opportunity to know that person.

If you are physically attracted to a person more than spiritually, you should get to know the person before making commitments. Beyond physical appearance the soulmate is concerned with the soul.                                                                                                                                        

In Bernard Gunther's book, Energy Ecstasy,  he sees man as energy in different degrees of speed, density and intensity. He says man is a series of ever changing energies. The soul or the spirit of the ethereal body  is affected by the constant exchanging, interchanging and rearranging of the energy field. The etheric body is constantly changing.

As we change we desire our partner to change. If one or the other partner doesn't grow in the same direction there is a strong chance of changing partners. It is rare to find someone on our own frequency of consciousness that is transforming in exactly the same way.  

The soul of man is forever learning. Together soulmates learn life lessons. Soulmates help each other learn to further their soul growth.

When you experience a strong mutual attraction, you may have met a soulmate. Your soulmate is not the physical person in front of you. Your soulmate is their spirit.

Your soul shows itself to you by the people you attract. When you are drawn to someone, their energy will tell you all you need to know about your soul growth. Many clues to your own nature lie in what you attract and repel. You are always attracted to someone that reflects you or your own potential. You are rarely attracted to someone that is nothing like you. You are connected to your soulmate through attraction. Your soulmate has a similar or identical energy pattern causing you to feel a connection in their presence.          

When you are connected to your soulmate you influence them and they influence you. You are experiencing the soul's vibration. You may think of  this energy as their attitude or personality. Your combined energy is magnetic.

There are certain Universal Laws that can help us understand why we attract certain individuals into our lives. They are;                                      

1. The law of attraction; you can only attract to you those qualities you possess.

2. The law of reflection;  the traits you respond to in others, you recognize in yourself.

3. The law of resistance; that which you resist, you draw to you and perpetuate it's influence in your life. You are complete when you have grown to understand these principles and practice them.
     

Deepak Chopra, best selling author and lecturer, in a interview with Tony Robbins, author of  Unlimited Power, tells about a research that was recently done with mice. According to Dr. Chopra, a set of mice were placed in a room and given electrical shocks. They were then removed. Another set of mice were brought in. He said that instantly the new set of mice began to panic. These mice smelled the hormones or pheromones of fear from the other mice.   Humans also send off pheromones. He says that pheromones are the  hormones of our emotional state. He believes every emotional state has its own hormonal energy that is not confined to the body, but is released by the body. The emotional energy field can now be captured on film.  It is done by a method called Kirlian photography. It is fascinating.  

Emerson once said, "who you are shouts so loudly in my ears I can not hear what you are saying.

Dick Sutphen is the author of many best-selling books on metaphysical topics. I found his tape series, Predestined Love ,  interesting. In this series he discusses cases of men and women who discover reincarnation through regressive hypnosis. His clients tell stories that strongly suggest they have returned lifetime after lifetime to be reunited with their soulmate.

He says a soulmate or twin soul is a perfect partner. He feels you share the same vibrational level and a lineage of past lives. He believes soulmates have a relationship which will allow both to fulfill their "dharmic direction" and accomplish their "soul goals."

According to Mr. Sutphen there are different types of soulmates. Some soulmates are supposed to be together forever while other relationships are destined to end. A soulmate relationship is simply a love that is destined. These relationships fit into three categories: Karmic, Dharmic bond and Counterpart companions.

Mr. Sutphen lectures that Karmic companions are two people destined to form a union confronting unlearned lessons from past lives. Usually this relationship is centered around conflict until the lesson is learned. If the relationship cannot be healed, the couple must let go with love. If not, they will meet again in another lifetime.


Relationships started entering my life. One at a time each relationship taught me something.  Woen often sensed my insecurity. I attracted  woman in my life that were troubled, because I was troubled. I'm sure if we met today it would be different. I am no longer attracted to the women in my past because I am no longer the same person. That was a timewhen I was projecting my need for fulfillment on others. I was unaware I was on a personal path of transformation.

The path to personal transformation can be long and exhausting. I had so much to learn about relationships. I had to learn relationships are excellent tools for the evolution of your own consciousness. I didn’t know needing someone for fulfillment was not love, it was dependence. I learned being single was not a disease and no person was the answer to my life. It took a while, but  I eventually realized where you leave each relationship is where you begin the next.  The more loving, forgiving and confident you are, the more love, forgiveness and confidence you receive.  Karmic companions are our friends.  Allow yourself to honor each relationship. Relationships are great teachers, if we choose to learn.  

The second soulmate type is Dharmic bond companions. These soulmates share a goal. This relationship is like Karmic companion relationships in that two people come together combining their energy for one task, however when they have succeeded in reaching the common goal, their future depends on how they have structured their relationship. You will have few Dharmic companions. You will always remember dharmic relationships. They will have a more dramatic affect on your life and may remain in your life on non-romantic terms.  

Joanne is a dharmic relationship. We came together to learn that we can learn to love. Our romantic relationship ended after three years.

The third soulmate type is the Counterpart companions. These companions experience a loving, supportive relationship in which the couple will comfortably live their life. They will have problems, but most of the problems will be outside their relationship. They harmonize with each other, however, outside influences can challenge them. The relationship will usually last a lifetime.

I have met very few individuals that have a counterpart relationship. These relationships are often referred to as twin souls . These relationships communicate soul to soul through equality. No one is superior or inferior. They communicate honestly, openly and truthfully. The two people are usually evolving at the same rate and frequency. These soulmates do not limit their lives by staying with each other because it is the right thing to do. They stay together because they want to be together. There is mystery surrounding what holds these relationships together.

When I  began searching for a soulmate my first questions were; who would this person be and what would this person be like?  I envisioned her as kind hearted. She would be skilled to cope with stress and life's pressures. She would love me for all that I am.   She would except my past as part of my path without jealousy, judgments or punishment. She would comfort me through all my experiences, good and bad. She would love me unconditionally and without reserve. She would have compassion when I make mistakes and  kind when I cry. She would be gentle, passionate, and strong. She would be my lover and my  friend. What were the chances of any one person fitting this description? I confess I laughed.

More questions kept coming. Could this person really exist? Believing gave me hope. I could not get her out of my imagination. Unknowingly I was on a mission, determined to find my soulmate.  

My search had begun. I would journal in my blog nightly my thoughts, ideas and progress. I could see my soulmate in my mind's eye. She had beautiful dark hair and eyes that sparkled. I fantasized about her. Her touch was magic. She was flawless. She was every man’s dream, and she was mine .

Time passed. My life changed and so did my relationships. With each relationship I grew. I became more adventurous, passionate and wise. I had an expectation that any moment she would arrive. I was looking and was consumed with finding her. I felt attached to her and would speak to her in my mind. I  wrote songs and poetry about her.  She was my life, my breath, my soul. I  meditated, I prayed, I begged God for her. He didn’t come.  After a while, I became very discouraged. I began to question  the love I was imagining. I was having trouble distinguishing between a sexual experience and a soulmate experience. Time would always tell. Relationship after relationship ended.

When on a search, you seem to encounter others that are on the same search. During that time I had the opportunity to speak with several individuals about their idea of a soulmate. They invariably described someone who would rescue, romance or in some way complete them. Like me, they wanted that perfect person. Men desired  physical appearance and a sex goddess while women seemed to desire a hero. One woman even described his soulmate to me down to her toes. Physical beauty and heroism were at the top of the list. Ironically none of these people, including me, had found their imagined soulmate.

What was I missing? Thoughts began flashing through my mind. What would a perfect person want with a person like me?  What about me was attractive? How could I change to become more attractive internally as well as externally?

I began studying personal development. I learned egos have no place in a relationship and feelings dictate what we do, say, think and believe. I read you experience love from within not from someone externally. I read the words but I really didn’t understand them. I read that a soulmate’s job is not to fulfill your fantasies, but help you be more loving, giving and gentle. I learned real soulmates don’t let you off the hook, they challenge you to be all you can. We seem to fall into negative habits of repetition that hold us on the surface of what we can achieve and usually don’t live up to our own potential

I began to realize when you actually accept  another for who they are, you give them an invitation to change. I found accepting oneself  is the creative force of change. I had to change. I needed to examine who I was in order to change. I relaxed into a meditative state and began. I allowed everything positive and negative to come to mind. I quietly listened as thoughts about myself began to surface.

The soul’s  deepest desire is to be seen as we are and loved. In my mind I thought of everything. I was determined to accept the things I could not change and change what I could. I wanted to be everything I desired in a soulmate. I wanted to be kind hearted, skilled to cope with life’s pressures and love myself for the entire person I am, past and present. I wanted to be a comfort giver, unconditional lover...etc. I knew like attracts like and I needed the attributes I desired in my soulmate. This realization made me ask the difficult question “which of these have I mastered?  Truthful self-examination is difficult and change is not easy. Old habits are hard to kick.

I then came upon a book ,Ramtha Intensive Soulmates,  Ramtha, a channeled entity states, "there are very few entities who ever find their soulmate, ever." He goes on to say that we have lived many lifetimes without seeing the other side of ourselves. He says that we think we have met this special person and yet in time they disappear from our life. We assume that our soulmate would be everything we desire. 

He encourages  individual's to examine themselves. How desirable are you? How honorable are you? How much integrity and virtue do you process? He then goes on "Behold! Look at the door! Come forth, soulmate! and you turn  around to see, with great anticipation, what your soulmate looks like, what would you do if it was you walking in the door, with all of your hang-ups and limitations."

Finding your Counterpart soulmate takes time. I’ve learned invaluable information while searching. There is no woman out there who is going to save you. Soulmates are rarely what you imagined but exactly what you need. Soulmates come into our life to help us heal. They expose areas we want undiscovered. They help us become more intimate.

The eyes are the windows to the soul. When you look someone deep in the eyes you engage in a rare form of intimacy. Do you long for the day you gaze into your soulmates eyes and experience the sense of being whole. Most people won’t allow intimacy and look away. Soulmates have this intimacy.

In order to experience the soulmate relationship we must look past our intention and what we expect. Soulmates challenge our inconsistencies. They stand by you, not necessarily agree with you.

A soulful relationship offers two difficult challenges. The first is to come to know oneself. The second is to get to know the deep subtle richness of the other.

You may have to enter the confusion of another. This is a way soulmates reveal their souls. You will touch upon issues charged with emotion. Soulmate relationships cause you to dig deep into the stuff of the soul.

A relationship may look like an arrangement of two people getting together but it is more profound. It is the arrangement of a soul recognizing itself in another.

Soulmates are brought together for growth. If you do not work out your issues in each relationship, you will attract another partner with the same soul agenda. We are quick to see other's dysfunction. We deny our own inappropriate behavior and cast blame.

We attract into our life what we express. In truth, the quality of our relationships are products of our own habitual thoughts and actions.  

The idea of looking for your soulmate it is an admission that you are separated. With this admission comes the fact that anything separated from it's source has a strong chance of becoming lost. This explains the disconnection we feel when we are not experiencing intimate love.

Real intimacy is when you are emotionally naked before each other. There is always a higher purpose to a soulmate relationship. It is for real intimacy and it is the desire for that intimacy that creates a bond between two souls, they will find a way to join together. The longing  to experience intimacy keeps your soulmate alive in the subconscious.                                        

This past summer  I fell head over heels in love with a woman from Brooklyn I experienced  a weekend of heaven. I  felt strongly this person was my twin soul but as it turned out, she literally jerked my feet out from under me.  She told me she loved me, made love to me and promised me the world.

We danced together and made plans for our future. She looked directly in my eyes and said, "I've known you before, I don't know where or how, but I know you." I was mesmerized. She was the one and she said all the right things. This relationship lasted during the summer. I was devastated. Obviously this person was a karmic companion and I had something to learn from the experience. She was a liar . I was left to examine how I attracted her. I knew I was not a liar  It took some time, but I did come to the realize I lied to myself and was unfaithful responding to my own needs and desires. I was made aware of my need to please others more than the need to please myself. I developed better relationships as I became stronger .                

Our egotistic nature likes to show off. We act like we are something we're not. We hide our dysfunction and have difficulty being honest. We fear we are not good enough. We lack confidence in ourselves, yet present ourselves perfect for the person we are pursuing. If you play this way, you will be busted.

We constantly do things that do not promote intimacy. At the same time, we want our soulmate in the purest sense. This dichotomy is why most individuals never find their soulmate.

Relationships are challenges. The path that leads to your soulmate is honesty. Your walls must come down in order to experience such a relationship. As long as you have walls you will not be a true partner.                                                                                                              
The way to your soulmate is through self-love. You cannot truly love another when you do not love yourself.  Loving yourself is the beginning. Be honest and open. Through your honesty and openness you experience intimacy and find your soulmate.

When you are genuinely ready you will find your twin soul. People claim they are ready but their soulmate hasn't appeared. It is possible to be emotionally, but not spiritually ready or vice versa. Most people claiming they were ready, looking back, realize they were not.

Nature shows us there is nothing in the universe out of rhythm. Our universe is held together by such perfect timing the conscious mind cannot fathom. Your soulmate will show up right on time. Be devoted to your highest good. Desire your soulmate for the right reasons. You and your soulmate may have different interests but your personal development will be compatible.

If you find yourself making excuses for anothers behavior you must question what in your behavior needs corrected. Once your behavior is corrected you will no longer be attracted to poor behavior and you will lovingly leave.

It is not your mission to change your partner. It is your mission to change yourself. The soul always manifests itself. This is your journey of change.    
How  do you recognize a soulmate relationship?You will recognize your soulmate when you recognize yourself in a person. A soulmate will admire you when you admire yourself and love you when you love yourself. You will recognize your soulmate through your own love and admiration. They will recognize you by the same principles.You will know when you have found your soulmate because you are completely comfortable. You share the same spirit. You experience a profound connection and a rare form of intimacy.

Your soulmate is not a person. It has no body. It is the magnetic patterns that attracts you to a person.  As you change you attract a partner with like patterns.

Your inner guidance is always directing, if you listen. When you become the person you desire, you will experience a counterpart relationship.  A person does not necessarily have to change partners to experience this soulmate relationship. You could be with your soulmate and not be able to recognize them because you haven’t learned basic skills that connect you to your own love.

The search for the great relationship is the inner search we have to connect with something greater. The connection is with ourselves and our own spiritual quest. We are ultimately seeking a complete union between ourselves and our true nature, the universe or God.

Follow your inner guidance to change. Real love is feeling your own fullness. You will find your soulmate when you have healed from within. Change yourself! You will never know for sure if a person is truly your soulmate as long as you are not true to yourself and to your own soul. When you are, it will be very clear whether the person is your soulmate. Become all you wish in a soulmate. Be patient. You have and will always attract your soulmate.

     "Would you be happy to meet you? So prepare yourself, so you will be happy with yourself. Start dealing with the aspects of thine self that you do not like. What you create in yourself you shall find. The soulmate is a mirror, and the mirror reflects itself perfectly. The neurotic reaches for the neurotic, the negative for the negative, and so forth. That is why marriages fail. They have not prepared themselves. Looking for their counterpart, they find it."     Ramtha

One of my favorite recording artists, Doug Stone, recorded a song on his 1992, From theHeart, Album. The song, Made for Loving You, was written by Curly Putman and Sonny Throckmorton. The song summarizes my feelings about soulmates. The words are:

Everybody sings a different kind of song
All God’s children have somewhere they belong
Oh I’ve heard it said and I know it must be true
We meant to be, I’m made for loving you.

Everybody had something he must be
Call it fortune or just call it destiny
I have spent my life making my way to you
See the way we fit I’m made for loving you
Like blue skies always seem to go with sunshine
And just as laughter goes along with good times
I have spent my life making my way to you
See the way we fit I’m made for loving you                      
                                                 

Soulmates fit together and when something fits you know. Having a soulmate is real. Soulmates are finding each other. I challenge you to find yours!

PERSONAL/LOVE LETTER: OUR STORY..A THREAD THAT CONNECTS ME TO YOU

Dear Soulmate,

I believe there was a strong, unseen connection that connect me to the one I am suppose to be with.. It’s something I call an invisible thread that connects two people who are destined to meet, regardless of time and place and circumstance. Some people call it the string of fate, others the thread of destiny. It is, I believe which will bring me and my love to the same stretch of internet space in a vast, teeming city—just two people out of eight million, somehow connected, somehow meant to be.

Our story will be a story of a very unlikely love, and of the unexpected ways It will be a story of how two people who lived in the different places— from wildly different worlds—somehow touched each other’s hearts and profoundly changed each other’s lives. It will be a story of letting go—of crippling fears, of expectations and limitations—and being open to the sweet, unplanned blessings of life. I guess you could say it is the story of how two people will learn to live.

And, of course, it is the story of me to met you.. Whatever it is that made you notice my profile is clearly something that cannot be extinguished, no matter how relentless the forces aligned against it. Some may call it spirit. Some may call it heart. Whatever it is, it gave you remarkable strength and courage to answer me.. So here we were, two people with absolutely nothing in common, except, we would eventually discover, a powerful, shared desire—the desire to feel loved.. We  won't know how long our journey would last when we set out on it. I am sure we both recognized it was an unusual arrangement, and I know each of us will have to learn to trust the other. But in the end we will wound up meeting and hundreds of times after that. When we met we were just two people with complicated pasts and fragile dreams. But somehow we found each other, and we became husband and wife and that, you will see, made all the difference for us both.May you be open to each threat that comes into your life-the golden ones and the course ones-and may you weave them into a brilliant and beautiful life.

PERSONAL/LOVE LETTER: BELOVED WOMAN..YOUR LOVE WAS NEVER WASTED

Your love was never wasted… nor lost…an invisible thread connects all your loved ones… all those you are destined to meet…

Beloved woman… You wonder where is your perfect match… when your twin soul will be showing up…

Your beloved one has been coming to you through every man you´ve loved… through every man you´ve experienced with… each one of them bringing you a piece of him… the qualities and the fears for you to recognize from him… they are all the same man… the man inside yourself… each one of them gifting you with a piece in your puzzle… your own returning to love from your lost self…

Until you come back to your truth… until you can recognize yourself in everyone of those men… he can´t manifest… you keep pushing him away the same way you keep making force to not see your true self…

In the same way when you can recognize yourself in every one of your relations… or even in every part of only one relation… even in the ones that are most difficult as well as they bring you the most hidden pieces from yourself… you will be able to recognize life… love itself in all its manifestations

And then you will finally see me as the one for you