I go into the dating world with good intentions to find someone who has all the characteristics I wants in a partner. I makes a list of these characteristics and each potential woman is measured against her ability to fit into my complicated jigsaw puzzle of the perfect girl. And of course, nobody fits.I begin to feels hopeless that there's “no one out there,” but really the terror of risking my heart keeps me from acknowledging that any woman might be right. My good intentions cover my fear. Nobody wants to have his heart broken, so it's sensible to want to protect yourself. But repeatedly searching for a partner and never finding one feels awful.TOnly thing you get from trying to manage the people around you is the guarantee that you will never find intimacy. Vulnerability makes us approachable and attractive because it's a gift to the person we're with. It's an unspoken compliment that says, “I trust you to be gentle when I put down my armor. I feel safe with you.” When someone gives me such a gift, my instinct is to be tender so as to reassure her that I understand the honor. Vulnerability will draw me to someone in a way that appearing invincible never could because I identify with the humanity and authenticity. Once you have someone's empathy, there's only one way for them to interact with you: with compassion.
In my experience..most woman wear a “Do not disturb” sign that keeps alot of men from approaching them. You could be in a room with 100 great, available guys, but if you’re sending out a businesslike “I’m busy” vibe it won’t matter because that will keep you from connecting with any of them. Openness is the key.emotional vulnerability is the glue that binds a couple So many woman have this "I don't need anybody to take care of me” I wish most woman would turn off their ambition and bossiness and relax into their feminine grace.The word “surrender” is frightening to some because it calls to mind losing a battle or spinelessness. When a single woman surrenders she doesn't try to manipulate a man to express his feelings, devotion or commitment because she knows that would render his words meaningless. It creates the same kind of tension and frustration as when you twist someone's arm to do something rather than letting him decide when and how he wants to do it. Surrendering isn't about being so desperate you'll go out with just anyone. I hate when I read in woman's profile , “I'm pretty happy being single. I'm not lonely or anything.” But if that were true, why are you here? Sure, it feels less vulnerable to be able to say that you're completely content being single. You may think the take-charge thing to do when you haven't met the right man is to act like you're not interested in men because you're so fulfilled in your career, or so busy with stuff. Why not just admitting there's a hole in your heart exposes you. We all want to be perceived as independent and strong and when we admit loneliness, we fear that people will think we're less self-sufficient—or even worse, that they'll feel sorry for us.To me lying to yourself is a form of control. Not taking that risk is a way of trying to stay in control. Ironically, denying what you really want so you can avoid possible hurt puts youself even further away from getting what you want and more in the face of the pain. Admit like me that you crave love.
Admitting that I craved a wonderful woman and surrendering to that desire put me at risk of heartbreak. It was also the critical first step of embarking on what has turned out to be a remarkable love story that has lasted more than twelve years and seems very likely to last a lifetime.
When I mention the word surrender it scary people but surrendering in a relationship doesn't mean you say, "OK, you win, I give up, I'll do whatever you want." That may be surrender in battle, but a relationship is not a battleground. Surrender in a relationship means to give up your preconceptions of what another person is, but to remain committed to that person.
In relationship, you have to have the kind of receptiveness that enables you to perceive your partner really is. But in order to do so, you must first become open, empty, and very vulnerable.Many people would like to be this way but don't dare; the thought of being that vulnerable is too frightening. They think, "I can't be so trusting or I might be hurt and taken advantage of. How can I be sure I'm not losing control or surrendering to the wrong person?"In other words, they are asking, "How do I get a handle on being surrendered? How can I control it, guide it? How can I be sure that I'm not surrendering indiscriminately?" Obviously, surrender requires definition.You need to be like that: "designated vacuums," allowing ourselves to be open, but very specifically, drawing in only what is meant to be drawn in. Just as a hypodermic needle focuses on what is meant to enter the vacuum, so, too, we should not permit ourselves indiscriminate surrender in the sense of abandonment, but "focused" surrender.The important word here is surrender, so let's take a closer look. Philosophically speaking, everything in this world is both a recipient and a donor, taking in what is above and giving to what is below. In order to receive, there has to be an emptiness that allows whatever is going to come in to do so. Giving, on the other hand, requires fullness. A pitcher is better able to pour when full; a cup is better able to receive when empty.A teacher is better able to give when she's filled with knowledge. A student is better able to absorb when he has emptied his mind and opened himself to the lesson. So, although it seems paradoxical, an empty mind is a receptive mind.
The same is true in establishing an intimate relationship with another person. If you want to allow someone into your life, and accept them as they really are, you have to become open, receptive, and surrendered.That's the only way you can really know another person, when you are completely open to who they are. You have to allow yourself to be open, but in a way that is discriminating. If you are indiscriminate in your surrender, if you surrender to anyone and everyone, you have a good reason to be frightened. You are much too vulnerable. If you have no borders or definition to your life, then you have no security either. Discriminating surrender, focused surrender, is the kind of surrender to strive for.
I
