LOVE: FEELING LIKE THE WORLD IS CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

There are a lot of couples in the world, so why is it that I can’t find love when everyone else seems to be jumping between partners all the time? I feel like the world is conspiring against me and pushing every eligible partner away from me. Or it may be because of my hectic work hours as a doctor or how I lack of chisel look, not being 6 feet tall.. It could be alot a lot of reasons

I look in the mirror everyday in the morning and list out the reasons. But then again, haven’t people with all the shortcomings are getting loving partners and leading happy lives? So why is it not working for me. The truth? I can’t find love because I'am letting those shortcomings get in the way. It’s weighing my confidence down like a big bag of bricks on your back. It’s easy to lose motivation and confidence, and finally give up. But giving up really has never helped anyone. On the other hand, I know guys who are extremely confident about their appearances and everything else, but they’re still single and looking for someone. Why are they single?

If you really want to find love, you need to be looking for love. Many people say that it’s better not to go looking for love. They say love will come to you when the time is right. But that’s not true. Why is looking for love any different from looking for a job? You can’t sit back and wait for the perfect job to land on your lap. You have to look for it. Sometimes, people get lucky, of course. But it’s not always the case.

I never stop looking for love.  But I am not running around frantically waving my hands and yelling “I want to find love!” What I learned from my divorce is  finding love isn’t as *easy* as finding a great job though. Finding love is complicated and tricky, and you’re never going to know where to find it. and I guess this is why I am here. But online dating sucks, you are going to have to deal with rejections. You can’t expect everyone you fall in love with to fall right back into love with you. It’s just like a job application. You can’t really get any job you want, every time you send in an application, right? If someone’s not interested in going out with you, move on and try to find someone who likes you back too.

PUSSY: PUSSY POWER

I had dinner with a good friend of mine at work and we had a great conversation about being intoxicated by pussy.

He shared a really great story about this girl that he was intoxicated by in his early 30s. Even after he found some really crazy things about her, he was still intoxicated by her pussy.

The sex, he said, was so amazing, that even to this day, he still remembers it like it was yesterday.

And that’s a problem. When you get so intoxicated by pussy, you tend to overlook so many other things about the woman. It happen to me with Melissa.

It seems to only happen when you’re younger, but then again, it can happen at any age, especially if you haven’t had good pussy in a long time.

So what happens is you get intoxicated. The sex is just so damn good that you’ll overlook some of the crazy warning signs that are glaring at you every single day.

Now look, everybody you meet comes with baggage—we all know that; there’s no perfect person out there at all.

Everybody’s got their issues, and everybody’s got their crap, everybody’s got their things, and their fears and their insecurities. It’s just a matter of if you can put up with someone else’s insecurities, fears, and their stuff.

But it’s funny, when you’re younger and you haven’t had good pussy in awhile, you tend to get intoxicated by it, and you overlook some really crazy things…like the fact that she may not be a good person.

So the next time you’re intoxicated by a woman, try to look a little bit harder, and make sure that the person you’re intoxicated by is everything that you think they are, and it’s not just great sex that’s clouding your judgment.

I used to be somebody that would be intoxicated by great sex. Now, I get intoxicated by a great person, and of course, great sex is #2.

So open your eyes a little bit more and make sure what you think you’re getting is exactly what you want, and make sure the person is exactly who you think they

LOVE: BEING A HOPELESS ROMANTIC

Being a hopeless romantic is not easy. I never thought it would be. As our world keeps evolving and getting more modern by the click of a mouse we seem to be losing touch with what romance really is.

Growing up as a kid I loved getting lost in fairytales. I used to fantasize about one day meeting that special someone, and living happily ever after. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not a complete moron. I do have some sense left in me to know that fairytales aren’t real and that love rarely happens like it does in the movies. But then again, I also think, that if I still believe in love like that surely there has to be more people that do out there in this world. Or is there?

I’ve come across a few individuals that claim to be as hopelessly romanticized as I am, but when push comes to shove it turns out that only in theory are they prepared to live out those emotions. In practice it’s a completely different matter. I don’t understand what people are so afraid of?If I had given up or lost hope that one day I will find someone who’ll fulfill me in the way that I would like them to then I would have packed my bags a long time ago and settled on a desert island away from the perils of reality. But I haven’t. I’m still here.

I didn’t choose to be a romantic.So where did this stem from within me? Was it the lack of love and romance in my childhood that created this hunger? Or was it childhood defiance that made me go in the
opposite direction to the people around me?

All I know is that I had no choice. And I still don’t.

Try as I may I find it hard to live without love in my life. I yearn for it. I long for it. I need it!

But instead of waiting for someone to do something loving for me I started doing things for the people in my life. I’m one of those guys that will wake up in the middle of the night just to give my lover a kiss. I will leave little notes in pockets for them to find, sometime, one day. I will share everything I have. I will find out what makes them happy and try to multiply that by a hundred. I will write messages that later I’ll regret because I then realize how cheezy they sound – but feel right at the time. I will leave a flower at their doorstep for them to find when they come home. I will write crazy love letters that make no sense at all. I will shout my love from the highest mountain top. I will try and help make their dreams come true, even if there’s no logical way for me to do that. I will try. I will run through fire to comfort them when they’re sad. If I can’t, then I will cry with them. I will always be on their side, even if they’re wrong. I will try and make them laugh as much as I can. I will show them the world, if only so I can see it through their eyes. I will do anything I can to ensure their happiness. Or at least try to help them achieve it.

There’s no limit to what I am prepared to do, for someone I love. In the hope that maybe one day, someone would be prepared to do the same for me. Maybe these seem like small and insignificant things. But these things can make a world of difference.

That, to me, is romance. That to me is love. Maybe my view on love doesn’t coincide with yours. But it doesn’t mean that it’s not right.It’s a broad term that has many definitions. There’s no right or wrong in love.

The one thing I definitely do know about love is that it’s scary. Plunging in there’s not much else you can do but hope that someone’s there to catch you as you fall.Trust that they won’t break your heart once you let them roam free inside it and believe in an Ever After.

Hopeless. Romantic.

That’s me.

DEAR SOULMATE: ARE OUR PATH CROSSED

ARE OUR PATH CROSSED

Dear Soulmate,

Have we met yet? Are our paths crossed? Will they ever? Every day, I wonder if you are already close to me or if you are some non-being yet to exist in my bubble of knowledge.

I've been waiting for you for a long time. If you know me, you should show yourself soon, I am getting tired of waiting. Of course... If you really are my soulmate, and I believe you are, then I am just being silly and impatient.

Soulmate, maybe you haven't come out yet because you don't know me well enough. --Have you run away because you know me too well? I want to know all about you, and yet a part of me wonders if the mystery is
more romantic.

Is there only one of you out there, or do you have a twin brother or sister that you can introduce me to? If you know, please tell me, because I have been feeling a little lonely lately.

I saw the movie "You've got mail" the other day. The part where Meg Ryan was supposed to meet with Tom Hanks at a coffee shop, she has a flower as an indicator, a symbol, of who she is. Will you be holding a
rose too? In a coffee shop?

How will I know who you are from all the other people in the world?

Are you just like me, or are you my opposite and compliment in every way?

I thought I found you once. I really did. You were beautiful, and you smiled at me, and you said everything I wanted to hear. You made me laugh, and you made me feel beautiful, you made me feel so complete,
even though you were never mine.

It wasn't really you, though. It was just somebody with your mask on.

Dear Soulmate, are you happy right now? I hope you are, I would never want you to be sad or hurt, even if I haven't met you yet.

Dear Soulmate, whether you're my best friend, or somebody from the other side of the world, please let our meeting as soulmates be special. Please let it be wonderful. I know my eyes will fill with tears of happiness even if it's not a perfect moment, because when I find out who you are, I don't think that anything can dampen the relation I will feel.

Dear Soulmate, I know I will love you with all my heart, and I can't wait for us to fall for each other in a way that is not like falling at all but is more like flying above all others, being next to each other, holding each other, helping each other.

I can't wait.

DATING; LESSON LEARNED

I have all the trappings of success - a high-flying career, financial security and a home in the heart of Long Island. But I don't have the one thing I crave more than anything: a loving wife and family. Today, seeing friends with their children around them tortures me, I convinced that somewhere out there, a better, more exciting, more fulfilling life awaited me. Only there wasn't. So many people will be assessing their lives and relationships, wondering if the grass is greener on the other side. Many will mistake contentment for boredom, forgetting to cherish the good things they have. I would urge those who are considering walking away from such riches to think again.

How different things would be for me now if only I didn't waste time with woman I knew weren't right for me even from the beginning...including my ex wife.  My mom's words to me continue to haunt me."There's a lot to be said for someone who truly loves you...don't waste your time with someone who doesn't." I can truly say that only one person ever really loved me in my life....but I was young, stupid and didn't know what I  had. Now I can only look back and admonish my selfish, younger self. I  was convinced there would be
another, better Mrs Right waiting around the corner.

 After my divorce...I struggled to pull myself back together and did a lot of soul-searching. I finally understood what my mom had mean. To those out there thinking of walking away from humdrum Relationships, I would say don't mistake contentment for unhappiness, as I did. It could be a choice you'll regret for the rest of your life.

Sometime..i feel like love has no meanings unless i find someone who loves me

POETRY: TO DESCRIBE HER HEAVENLY EYES

Everyday I hope that this is the day that I will met you.

To the world you may just be somebody,
But to this somebody, you're the world.
You are truly one in a million,
Like finding a clam on the beach with a pearl.

I have wanted to tell you how I feel for you,
From the first moment we met.
But I was so scared of what you would do.
I didn't want to do something I'd regret.

But now I can't hold my feelings inside.
I want you to know how I feel.
I want you to know how I feel about you,
And let you know my feelings are real.

From the first moment I looked into your eyes
I instantly felt a crush.
And all I did was look in your eyes
And instantly my heart was touched.

I wanted to get to know you.
I wanted to know your heart,
So I just said Hi to you,
And I knew that something would start.

There was just something I couldn't explain.
I didn't know why you were the best.
I knew you were very enchanting and lovely,
Kind of like a Fairy Tale Princess.

But now all the mystery is gone,
And I finally know who you are.
And to me you are so very perfect.
You light up my sky like a star.

You are the sweetest person that I know.
Just thinking of you makes my day.
I look at your picture before I go to sleep,
And it takes all my nightmares away.

So I just hope you know that I care for you,
And my crush on you is real.
And I know that my feelings for you are true
Because it's the truest thing that I feel.




2

For you I will float one single rose upon the Sea
then ask of every Angel to attend to thee
To the end of the earth, for you, i would journey
no matter the distance that comes between you and me

Beside you is where i will always be
Forever and for all of Eternity
Never will you question, you will clearly see
How very special you are to me

I'd catch the only drop of lavender rain
within the palm of my hand
I would catch a bird, as it flies across the land
For me these are not just dreams
It's how i would show you what your love truly means



3

This is how it feels
to love but not love,
to speak and not be heard,
to propose but receive no answer.
  This is how it feels
to live and die in one existence
and still walk the earth;
to have lungs compress and decompress
but bring forth no air to pump the blood.
  This is how it feels
to have beauty brought within grasp
only to have no hands for its seizure;
to go to bed full of passion
and wake as the dried-out core of what used to be.
  This is how it feels
to want what can't be had
and to refuse what should be taken;
to go from the brink of the final option
to stumbling upon a mound of new possibilities.


4


I love you to death we often say
   when we know it's too hard to stay
When little stress gets in the way
   we simply choose to run away

But why do we have to fall in love?
   when we cannot keep our words
Why should our lips have to confess...
   when we're weak to pass the test

So, we always find reasons to leave
   when old feelings no longer appeal...
We simply led love down the drain
   and reneged on all promises made

Sure, there's no romance without finance
   (but true love transcends all barriers)
For better for worse, till death do us part...
   now becomes for better to stay, for worse to go




5


For a while I've look to find someone like you
To find someone who loves me as much as you do
To find someone to change my skies from grey to blue

All my life I've searched for that sweet and complete girl
The perfect girl to share my world

When I look into your beautiful brown eyes
It's no wonder why I see my future in your eyes
You're like the girl I always dreamed of
And I believe I have truely fallen in love

So, there are a couple of things I need you to see
Because you're so very important to me
You mean the whole wide world to me
And you're everything I ever wanted a girl to be

So, I would love to enjoy my life with you
And tell you how much I do love you
And after it all where I hopefully aim
Is to live happily ever after and give you my...
                                       Last Name





6

This heart once pregnant
with love songs and
beauty of wealth,
with rhythm of life and
paths of glory to come.

This heart is mindful
of love's lingering light and
spills of pride,
of threats of joy and
pious drops of eye's cheerful tears.

This heart provides
magnitude of meekness and
solemn stillness it holds,
of golden dreams that
fears have no power to drown.

This heart eyes read
your history of love
perished in bittersweet despair,
and finally become your
deep-reaching fountain of truth.


7

Cloaked in the rare essence of human desire,
   I am the chemistry within the match,
                     which gives it this fire.
I am time and fear consumed into one,
    I am the mere lining of both lust and anticipation.
More powerful than a typhoon, yet my winds roll with ease,
       when crossing the waters it permits a soft breeze.
So you see, I am LOVE...all these things and more.
                        Now what are you waiting for?




8

Missing you
in the sweetest ways
Among the wild
flowers of abandon.
On a stretch
of fine golden sand,
alone
In the city bus,
next to you,
close
Sharing a glance
in a noisy train,
caring
Among the books,
sharing
Holding each other,
in happiness,
delight
Missing you,
in so many delightful ways

Missing you
in my presence
Your sweet breathe
on my ear
A gentle touch
in my hair
Among the roses,
in loving
Holding one another,
passionately
Among the star
studded bedclothes
Of a dreamy encounter
Missing you,
missing you
Endlessly


9

Life is not measured
nor pleasured by years without
tears or even days

without being in
a daze, but by those moments
of light with a bite.


10

It doesn't have to be physical...
it's a moments rush that touches your
heart and mind...reminding you that you are loved...
that you are being thought of with love...

Letting you know that you are never without them...
they are holding you in their heart...that they are always there
with you in spirit
...when they can not be there in body...

Have you ever felt a gentle breeze on the back of your neck...
when there is no wind blowing?
Or the slightest caress across your brow...
a scent that brings forth a face of one who loves you so...

Out of the corner of your eye...a shadow moves by...
when you look there is no one there...but, you feel
as if you were embraced
...a smile is on your face...why?

Do you hear a familiar voice call your name...
and you wake from a sleep? or you turn to look...
as though someone whispered in your ear...
you look around and there is something
that reminds you of the one you love...
you know their spirit was there...

Turning the radio on...you hear "Our" song
being played as if on que...the words warm your soul
and you know it's being dedicated just to you...will they hear it too?
...yes, because your love is
felt in their heart...that trust is there...

Nothing can surpass that physical touch...but, true love has a way
to keep you by each other's side when you can't always be together...
Love, dauntless and faithful, unconditional and with trust...
carries "Love's Touch"...




11



Am I really all that much different,
Or have I finally discovered my truth?
I have uncovered my soul's true blueprint,
Now, with time, will come the proof.

Why this late in my life did it happen?
Why not earlier, at 18, or maybe 23?
I have discovered what my life really means and
Need her to understand what we could be.

I love her and cannot live without her.
I try to fight this overwhelming feeling.
When she comes home from my birthplace,
My heart will again be sent reeling.

Of my incredible transformation,
I'm scared, excited, and bewildered.
I want to give the world to her,
From this I shall not be deterred.

Please, give me strength, give me guidance
To stop talking and to start taking action.
I feel like my life begins at this moment and
My past words were only a distraction.

She is the best thing for me.
I know I will be the best thing for her.
To love, honor, cherish, and uplift,
Together we couldn't be any happier.

If I have one wish that could be granted,
Only one and then nothing more,
It would be to get that one final chance
To walk though that once closed door.

I will solidify her love and her spirit.
Together we will walk throughout life.
I will protect her soul with my own.
This woman, I will know, is my wife.

I sit here and wait for her answer.
I try to find peace within my soul.
Please, set her free not to fear us together,
This is my only true selfless life goal.




12

You command a language of atonic measure
  You give love a voice with expert passion
You transport emotion in a raw new light
  You lend love a name, not given to trite

You allow me your beauty, and give gifts to my soul
  You give me passage to a splendid view
You know how to make my life rich, without greed
  My wings flutter in your presense, indeed


13

I search for words,
words to describe
the beauty in her angel-like face.
What words could I use
to describe her heavenly eyes,
or the way she rolls raisins
between her fingers
just before bringing them
to her soft pink lips?
Are there really such strong words
to describe her baby soft skin,
her golden blonde hair
or her voice that melts the heart?
There is only one way to describe her
and her many pleasures:
perfect.

I MIGHT SHUT DOWN MY BLOG OR MOVE IT SOON

I MIGHT SHUT DOWN MY BLOG OR MOVE IT SOON

LOVE:PICTURE THE BEST SEX YOU'RE EVER HAD

Picture the best sex you’ve ever had. What made it good? What made it so fantastic that you still talk about it for years and years afterward? What makes it that go to image in your head for when you’re with someone who doesn’t really know what they’re doing and you need that extra little bit of encouragement to get things going. For me, it’s something like the unbridled passion of “Last Tango in Paris” mixed with the kind of tragic love only illustrated in Victorian romance novels.

Having someone who knows what they’re doing in the bedroom is always fantastic, of course. We’ve all been with someone who isn’t so good with the bedroom dynamics; but, being psychically good at sex isn’t just enough. There is a psychology behind the sex: a desire, a burning need for your sexual partner, something that transcends the physical of the sexual act itself. Love: its love that makes sex truly rewarding, truly worth experiencing, and utterly, mind-blowingly fantastic.

I reflect on this fact considerably now that I’m single. I struggle often in my current dating life because I find it so difficult to just go out and have sex. I find myself nervous and self-conscious around them: afraid of exposing myself when I am at my most vulnerable.  I still find myself slipping into analytical thoughts during the act of sex. “Does she like what I’m doing? I really don’t think she does. This isn’t as good as it was with my ex. What am I doing wrong?”

This thought is the one that I have most commonly when I am with a new partner. It’s a terrifying one. One that immediately kills the mood, makes my erection disappear, and forces me to throw my face into the pillow panting with the explanation that I am just too tired,  too whatever comes to mind in that very second to continue. Why was the sex with my ex so good? It wasn’t just because she her body was amazing. It wasn’t just because she knew where all my buttons were and how to push them all at the same time. It was because I loved her and she loved me. In those moments when we were in the throes of passion and ecstasy, no two people had ever loved each other as much as we did; and no one ever would thereafter.

Love then was the key to my sexual success. Love was the reason why it never got old, it never got boring, and that I never wanted it to stop. I was expressing myself to my ex in a way that I did not and would not express myself to any other person. And love, or rather the lack of love, is why my sexual escapades after I have moved on have been so disappointing. There is no emotion behind my acts. There is of course a passion, of a sort. Lust. There is such a thing as a passionate lust. But that’s all it is. There is no wanting, no needing, no burning desire that over takes me. My loins are not on fire. They just sort of tingle.

It’s this lack of blazing loins, the ever present unexciting tingle, that has lead me to the conclusion that sex – look out folks – should wait. Immediately jumping into bed with someone isn’t going to do you any favors. In my case, it leads to me being disappointed, sad, and questioning my sexual prowess  I do not want to think about my ex-girlfriend when I’m trying to bang some other girl. I want to be thinking about how the person I am with; how beautiful, wonderful, and sweet they are. I want to be thinking about how this sexual act is representative a truer emotion, a hope that this feelings will lead to something down the road. Yes. I want to have “hope sex.” Hope that this particular erotic phenomenon is going to endear me to my partner and my partner to me. Hope that this person finds me just a beautiful and amazing as I find them.

Truthfully, I tire of the carnal representations of sex and the culture of sexual empowerment through promiscuity. Yes, you are beautiful. Yes, you are smart. Yes, you can have anyone you want and should have anyone you want. But that does not mean that my desire for meaningful, yet equally has hot, sex need be devalued and looked down upon. I’m not asking a person to fall in love with me and marry me within a week’s time. What I am asking for is the chance to experience an individual as a whole person, to get to know them, experience all of them, so that I may be attracted to every piece of that person.

Waiting is the true key to sexual fulfillment. When I know a person, feel comfortable with that person, I can truly be sexually free with that person. Free from nervousness or self-doubt or depleting images of your ex-girlfriends. Let me get to know you; let me like you; let me experience you as a person. Only then can I truly experience another person sexually. And that’s what it’s all about. Daring to wax philosophical, sex is all about giveness and the giving of one individual to another. It is the highest form of givenness, wherein the sexual act constitutes a “gift”; a powerful gift. And it should be a meaningful one as well. Waiting for sex is not a bad thing. It is a gift.

LOVE;CHEMISTRY AND WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU

Why don’t people feel attraction to someone who is good for them? Usually it is because of fear. Instead of feeling the fear that goes along with something that doesn’t fit the picture, or map, we have of ourselves and the world, we shut down. Shutting down is what we do when there is a risk of feeling fear. Instead of feeling fear, we feel nothing.

We don’t realize we are shutting ourselves down. It just feels like we are “not attracted” to, or have no “chemistry” with that person.

I’m not trying to say that you should be willing to get into a relationship with anyone. What I am saying is that when we are coming from a place of love instead of fear, it is easy to feel attracted to more and more people. As we become more and more aware of our emotions and what drives our emotions we have more choice.

When we are open-hearted, we have available to us a pool of an endless number of people to whom we are attracted. Then, instead of feeling like we are at the mercy of some mysterious thing called “chemistry,” that almost never happens, instead we can make a choice about the best person to be in a relationship with.

The solution to finding someone to love is not finding someone to whom you are “attracted.” The answer is to love yourself, and open your heart, and if you do you’ll find that you feel chemistry with the whole world.

PERSONAL: I WANT SOMEONE TO TRANSFORMER 4 WITH.

Did you know that 99% of the woman here are adventure travelers? It seems dubious to me too, but let’s continue as if it’s true. The majority of woman on the site go on and on about all of the outdoor adventure activity they do, including mountain climbing, ziplining, white water rafting, bungee jumping, parasailing, sky diving, someone even talked about alligator wrestling. And of course they love traveling and frequent all these crazy places like Iceland and Belize and Egypt and Greece and the rainforests or whatever. They are outdoors all the time, playing every sport that was ever invented, including some you’ve never heard of (sled hockey?), and they work out 5+ times a week.

Come on.

I live in Long island less than 30 min away from city and less than 20 min away from the beach. These woman say they are ambitious and have pretty good jobs where they are making average salaries. How exactly are they ziplining regularly? And where? And how are they getting time off from work to travel all the time? And with what money? I don’t buy it.

But that’s not even what bothers me. The real kicker here is the type of guy they are all looking for. Now on my profile, I checked off the box saying that I want someone who wants kids and who’s single (… why I have to specify this troubles me). And I wrote out by hand that I am looking for an easy-going, honest, passionate woman. Are those the type of characteristics these woman are looking for? Not even close.

He has to be tall, handsome and adventurous and also love adventure sports like ziplining and whatever the hell, and he also has to love to travel. He has to be open to trying anything (I’m assuming this means sexual positions...just kidding ;-)) and be outgoing and extroverted and like to go out but also like to stay in. He has to be a great conversationalist, smart, witty, funny, and “not get embarrassed easily.” (Why are we specifying this? Again, troubled.) He also has to be ambitious, be smart and successful, be educated and have a great job, be family-oriented, be career-driven, want to have (and, unspoken, take care of) kids, knows how to take care of himself (I can only assume this means that he’s has a 6 pack), be outdoorsy, like to be outside all the time (these are apparently two different things), like to camp and hike, be “active” and work out frequently, did I mention tall and handsome?, like all different kinds of foods and be willing to try – AND LIKE, GODDAMNIT – any kind of exotic food, not be pessimistic or complain, be loyal and honest, not be self-conscious about anything (… you’re helping), know who she is and what she wants, and, my ultimate favorite, ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM.

Wow This is a joke, right? Do you sincerely think you can find all of this in one person? Have you considered the fact that you are on this site because this is what you’re holding out for?! First of all, Do you want someone who does these adventure sports and plays sports too and works out every day? Huh? And how are you going to find someone who is career-driven and is family-oriented and is handsome who also has time to play sports as an adult and like hike around all the time and wrestle alligators? What? I do know guys who do that kind of stuff, but believe me most of them do not meet all these other criteria, including having the hot model appearance you desire.

But also, think hard – DO YOU REALLY WANT THIS? I don’t think you want this type of guy if he even exists, because then he’d be too intimidating and you’d feel like he was overshadowing you and better than you at the things you do, and lord knows that would be a problem.

So I offer this plea to the woman here. Refocus. Look for a guy who doesn’t mind that you (apparently) want to go off ziplining, but who might want to lay in the sunshine and read a book while you do. (To work on that tan you demand, obviously.) Or pick, say, two of the major things you’re looking for. Like, he has to be adventurous and handsome, but it’s okay if he’s a waitor You know? Be a little more realistic. I’m not saying let go of your dreams. But get a grip. Everyone is not Brad Pitt. (Not that you’d be into him, since he’s athletic and toned and probably doesn’t have time for parachuting with all those babies in tow.)

How about those pictures where it seem like every woman is holding a drink in her hand? Do they know what message that sent to guys? She must be either a party girl....or she easy or...she has a drinking problem. Listen I know everyone drink once in a while....but do you need show that when you are trying to find a guy to marry?

It’s this bad, and I haven’t even been on a date yet. Good lord. Clearly I’m going to be single forever.

When you read what most woman say they’re looking for in a mate, one of the first three things they’ll say is “sense of humor.” No doubt about it. It’s our dating mantra. “I just want someone who can make me laugh.” “Laughter’s all that really matters in the end, isn’t it?” “Looks fade, but sense of humor is forever.” Then how come I’ve never seen a guy say, “would you check out the jokes on that girl?”

90% of the women say they’re looking for someone who can make them laugh. Do they mean it? No idea. But I’ve been in a lot of bars with a lot of funny dudes, and ladies’ heads have not swiveled. However, if a guy walks in who looks like Johnny Depp, or even better, looks like he just got into a fight with Johnny Depp, there’d be swiveling all over the place. Like the desk chair convention was in town. (Are there desk chair conventions? Probably not. Needed it for the joke. Worth it? Probably not.)

Men, however, are no better. If a girl isn’t funny, or at least playful in her emails, I report no interest in her. But, truth be told, if she looks good in a tank top I’ll probably find a way to get interested, at least for a little while. Many of my friends say that finding a lady to joke with is a priority as well, yet I can count on one hand the ones they’ve dated that I’d trust to tell me a joke. “Knock knock. Who’s there? Long Island Iced Tea. Long Island Iced Tea who? What? No. Get me a Long Island Iced Tea. Also, do you have any gum?”

Never saw an US Weekly with Buddy Hackett on the cover. Why?

Not convinced that we’re all liars? How about this: if sense of humor was really such a big, if laughter was truly the great equivocator, then only the funniest people would date the funniest people. If you were hilarious, and all you truly wanted was hilarious, then you’d grab Kristen Wiig or Tina Fey and be done with it. Everyone would pursue the absolute highest level of humor they could obtain in a mate, so the uproarious would date the uproarious, the semi-uproarious would date the other semi’s, and there on down. But you don’t see that. Funny people date unfunny people all the time. It’s the hotties who only date other hotties. Relationships aren’t organized by laughs, they’re sorted, obviously, by looks. The most attractive date each other, as do the cutes, as do the weirdos. That’s life. And the funniest people, well, they go for the hotties too. Sense of humor never enters into things.

So why do we do it? Why do we say we want someone who can make us laugh, then chose someone who can make us hot?

Not funny.

There’s two explanations. Either we’re all shallow deceitful fucks (here’s looking at you, Johnny Depp), or there’s something more complex going on. My theory, shockingly, is the latter. I think that we’re not as a jaded as I’ve made us out to be. Deep down, we know the right match for us is someone who can make us giggle those dizzy little you-know-just-what-gets-me giggles. We know, in our hearts, that laughter is what we truly need in a partner, but we’re weak. We’re weak, horny little pigs, and we give in to the immediacy of our desires. Because sense of humor is not immediate. It doesn’t grab you the minute you lay eyes on someone, the way that smiles or tits or asses so reliably do. The prospect of a lifetime of laughter sounds good, amazing, even, but it can’t send that instant jolt through your body the way the right girl can when she smiles and twirls her hair. (Tough break, bald girls). The fact is, we’re idiots. Even though we know that humor is a lot more important than hair color (sorry again, baldies) to the point where we ourselves state it as our greatest priority, we still go after the most attractive person we can get our hands on. We’re schmucks, really. And in the end, predictably, sex sells. It’s true in politics, movies, and magazine covers – so why shouldn’t it be so when it comes to actual, well, sex?

Sadly, though, we don’t know this about ourselves. We say we want sense of humor, hook up based on looks, then feel disappointed when the shapely young girl with the winning smile is less interesting than the pint glass she’s drinking out of. (Although, admittedly, I do have a bit of a thing for pint glasses.) We break up with that chick, say we’re gonna do better next time, then make the exact same mistake over again. It’s the Transformer’s 3 Syndrome. No person in their right mind who saw Transformers 1 or 2 would think, “man, I’ve got to get me another two and a half hours of that shit!” But then the summer rolls around and we see the previews with the fancy robots, and the cars that turn into shooty things, and shooty things that turn back into spaceships, and we think “maybe this one will be better.” And then we go, and want to die. So the next time you spend a night with a boring beauty, just remind yourself that you just bought a ticket to see Transformers 3. For like the hundredth time. Then you’ll have a real walk of shame.

So what do we do? How the fuck should I know. I go out on dates with people I don’t know, you think I’ve got it all figured out? Probably, we should be honest with ourselves. We like funny, but we’re addicted to hot, and until we get over that this whole sense of humor business will continue to be a myth. But that’s not so bad, it’s just part of the process. And maybe then we tell the truth when someone asks us what we’re looking for in mate…

“I want someone to see Transformers 3 with.”

POETRY: LOOKING FOR YOUR FACE BY RUMI

I would like to share with you a little romantic love poem I discovered some years ago. I sort of like it, because in my opinion it differs a little from other poems. You literally feel the electrifying intensity. It moves you to depths you never knew about.

Of course, beauty is always in the eye of the beholder they say, but this poem conveys a certain truth we all know, or hope, exists – and we all long to have it in our lives.

It gives us a short glance how life should be – sweet and passionate.To me, personally, the following poem is the most romantic love poem of all.


Looking For Your Face

From the beginning of my life
I have been looking for your face
but today I have seen it

Today I have seen
the charm, the beauty,
the unfathomable grace
of the face
that I was looking for

Today I have found you
and those who laughed
and scorned me yesterday
are sorry that they were not looking
as I did

I am bewildered by the magnificence
of your beauty
and wish to see you
with a hundred eyes

My heart has burned with passion
and has searched forever
for this wondrous beauty
that I now behold

I am ashamed
to call this love human
and afraid of God
to call it divine

Your fragrant breath
like the morning breeze
has come to the stillness of the garden
You have breathed new life into me
I have become your sunshine
and also your shadow

My soul is screaming in ecstasy
Every fiber of my being
is in love with you

Your effulgence
has lit a fire in my heart
for me
the earth and sky

My arrow of love
has arrived at the target
I am in the house of mercy
and my heart
is a place of prayer

Beautiful, isn’t it?

This is Rumi “Looking for your face”


Now, after reading the poem above, I want you to ask yourself the following:

“Have I ever felt in such a way? Do I have a fundamental understanding of what this poem is about? What is my concept of feeling love?”  I want you to let this little piece of art elevate you to a new level of passion and sensibility

 I’m sharing this with you for a couple of reason reasons:

to delight you with some insightful piece of art
to elevate you and your partner to a new level of understanding of true love
to remind you that the love in which you believed once, still exists

REVIEWS OF SOME OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES

My preference is for romantic dramas – films that span the spectrum from Casablanca (1942) to (500) Days of Summer (2009). When it comes to love, the fundamental things apply, as time goes by

Let’s be honest – the nature of romantic love remains a mystery to most of us. Even if we have it in our lives or are in hot pursuit of it, it’s a phenomenon difficult to explain, especially in words. But because it’s a visual medium, I think film can help us to get a little closer (the way poetry does with the spoken word). When we watch love on screen, we don’t just want to see it or hear people philosophising – we want to feel it. If a film can achieve this I think it’s something special.

I recently saw Terence Davies’ beautiful new film, The Deep Blue Sea. It stars the luminous Rachel Weisz as Hester Collyer, the younger wife of Sir William Collyer, a London judge (Simon Russell Beale), who embarks on a passionate affair with a younger, handsome and feckless, World War II RAF veteran, Freddie Page (Tom Hiddleston). Set somewhere ‘around 1950’ the film (based on Terence Ratigan’s 1952 play) takes place mostly in a day – integrating a series of fragmented flashbacks – in the aftermath of Hester’s failed suicide attempt.

Davies’ film has forced me to ask myself a few questions in the context of a life spent watching many films about love. There are a few things I want answers to. What does love look like up on the screen? Can a film actually capture what it feels like to be in love? What it feels like to want love? Or what it feels like to lose love? Does love really mean “never having to say you’re sorry”? What lessons about love have I learnt from the movies?

The main lesson I seem to have learnt is that love hurts.

Love hurts if you have tasted love then lost it. It definitely hurts if you love someone but they don’t know it. Love also hurts if they do know it but circumstances keep you apart.

Some films show us the sheer force of unfulfilled love by measuring how intensely these feelings continue to run throughout a character’s life once the object of affection is out of the picture.

Martin Scorsese’s gorgeous The Age of Innocence (1993) dramatises this better than just about any film I have ever seen. The film’s haunting final scene, where Newland Archer (Daniel Day-Lewis) refuses to visit the woman he should have married, Ellen Olenska (Michelle Pfeiffer) – preferring to sit on the Paris street and remember her as she was at the height of his love for her – has broken my heart into smithereens each of the dozen or so times I’ve watched it.

Ellen (Michelle Pfeiffer) and Newland (Daniel Day-Lewis) share stolen moments in The Age of Innocence

Other films show us that the power of a consummated love can only be measured if we get to see the impact on a character of its loss.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) is a great example of this. This Charlie Kaufman scripted, Michel Gondry directed film, sets up an interesting premise about how far we might go to get over the pain of a lost love by creating a procedure that literally erases them from the brain. When their relationship ends, Clementine (Kate Winslet) visits Lacuna, Inc. to have the procedure done. Angry at discovering this, Joel (Jim Carrey) follows suit, but finds he isn’t willing to give up his memories of her so easily. In the end, the good feelings outlive the bad reminding us that painful memories are only one part of any love story. Losing even these can be devastating. And when Joel and Clementine meet again, the attraction remains, even though their memories of each other are gone. Love, or something like it, survives the procedure, showing us that it is one of the core human compulsions to continuously seek this connection despite the risks and the possible hurt.

Clementine (Kate Winslet) and Joel (Jim Carrey) seek the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

I’ve also learnt that really great love stories rarely have happy endings.

This is certainly true of Casablanca and other classics such as Gone with the Wind (1939) and West Side Story (1961). Lovers don’t always end up together. Love often ends in tears. Or separation. And sometimes even death.

The tragedy of lovers separated by time and history illuminates Anthony Minghella’s The English Patient (1996), on a grand scale. Similarly, Joe Wright’s Atonement (2007) separates its lovers, Cecilia (Keira Knightley) and Robbie (James McAvoy) by false accusations and war. But in both films the power of love continues to have force even after death – it endures through memories, through language, and in the lives of other people.

Intense love lives on in memory as the English patient remembers his past

Robbie (James McAvoy) and Cecilia's (Keira Knightley) love endures after death in Atonement

The Deep Blue Sea presents a love that is consummated but on the verge of being lost forever. For my money, this film does what a great love story should – it overwhelms an audience with sheer, unadulterated emotion. This is something that romantic comedies, suffocated by frocks, froth and glamour, don’t even know how to start to do.

Hester’s situation is heartbreaking. She is the embodiment of how far a person is willing to go for love, and how much they are willing to give up. For her, love, is all-consuming. In a flashback, her prickly mother-in-law warns her, ‘Beware of passion … it always leads to something ugly.’ Passion is the key urge around which Hester reorganises her life. It’s what she craves and lacks in her marriage and when she finds it with Freddie she abandons everything for it and will do anything to retain it. Returning to a life without passion, once tasted, is an unbearable prospect and she would rather die than live without it.

This is where we meet her. Something is no longer right between her and Freddie, although we never hear a precise explanation about what has gone wrong.

I found it interesting that for a film based on a play dialogue is the least important cinematic element here. The opening scene, a wonderful sweeping series of shots that take us from the street outside into Hester’s flat and then back and forth through time is almost devoid of dialogue. Davies, like any great storyteller, is showingnot telling, concerned with the representation of feeling over thought. Moving fluidly between Hester’s current state – alone, post-suicide attempt in her dreary flat – and the warmth of her memories of falling in love, the intensity of the physical intimacy she experiences with Freddie, immediately establishes the point of view as hers. Hester feels alive when she is with Freddie. We are encouraged to feel as she does, to see her passion as anything but ugly.

Hester and Freddie in happier times

Concerned and confused, Sir William asks, ‘What happened to you Hester?’ to which she matter-of-factly replies, ‘Love.’ He is convinced her feelings for Freddie are no more than lust, their connection only sexual. And while part of the problem between Hester and Freddie does seem to be a disparity in their feelings towards each other (he can’t love her as much as she loves him and they both know it), Hester doesn’t care to define it for Bill. She simply says, ‘He is my whole world.’ This is enough; this tells her whole story. When he withdraws his love her world crumbles, in ruins, like the brown, austere postwar London she lives in.

Hester’s emotions are always close to the surface. But a love where the dial’s turned up to eleven at all times can be destructive. What happens in these relationships, fuelled by fire and drama, when that passion dies? As we see in The Deep Blue Sea, hopelessness, barrenness remains. Love, here, is measured by the impact of its loss. It drives Hester to dangerous places where, as she tells her practical landlady, she feels caught ‘between the devil and the deep blue sea.’ She can’t let go even though she knows it’s over.

On the morning when he will finally leave her to go work in Rio, Freddie reveals he is not without feeling, admitting he will miss her, but sure that if they stay together they will tear each other apart. Ultimately, Hester can only go on living without him, and the film’s wonderful final shot pans away from her standing at the window of the flat, out onto the street, placing her amongst other people all caught in their own struggles, absorbing her into the fabric of the wider world.

I’ve also learnt that the experience of love is often defined by regret.

The fragile, sometimes fleeting nature of love, is at the heart of most Wong Kar-wai films, and especially, his two greatest – Happy Together (1997) and In the Mood for Love (2000). Both highly visual films, with exquisite settings and music, show us what it feels like to want love, to find love and to lose it. The performances are convincing – Tony Leung is superb in both films in such different roles – and the worlds they live in sensual and tangible. In the Mood for Love,depicting an unconsummated passion, aches with the pain of things unsaid and acts undone that will haunt these characters’ lives. Happy Together explores the ruins of love with a dysfunctional couple (the late Leslie Cheung plays Leung’s more volatile other half) falling apart while living together in Buenos Aires. Their demise is a slow one, complete with a melancholy tango and moments of intense intimacy and just as intense loneliness. Both are films that convey regret with such poignancy you can’t help feel it right along with these gorgeous, lovelorn characters.

Leslie Cheung and Tony Leung happy together, unhappy together

But the flipside of regret is chance. And the movies have taught me to try not to waste it if it comes along.

The delicate space between wasted opportunities and taking chances shapes the brilliant pair of films, Before Sunrise (1995) and Before Sunset (2004), directed by Richard Linklater and starring Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy.

I’m a card-holding member of Generation X, so these films are practically my national anthems. And they explore the questions of what might have been and what could be just about better than any others I know.

Jessie (Ethan Hawke) and Celine (July Delpy) prepare to say goodbye in Vienna in Before Sunrise

In the first film, set over the course of a day and night spent walking around Vienna, Jessie and Celine show us that any magic in the world exists in trying to understand someone else and deciding to share yourself with them. From the moment that Jessie suggests she leave the train with him (‘If I don’t ask you this it’s going to haunt me the rest of my life’) love is a palpable possibility. They walk and talk and slowly reveal more and more of themselves. The scene in the record store listening booth is a perfect little example of what it feels like to fall in love – a little claustrophobic, as your world reduces around one other person. But love also expands your horizons, and we see this as they head back outside, into the city, for more walking and talking.

The attraction between Jessie and Celine is present from the beginning and evolves naturally, as it does when you realise time is of the essence and that ‘everything we do in life is a way to be loved a little more.’ I really like that they don’t play games and there are no spectacular fireworks announcing that now, suddenly, they are in love. They sleep together in a park (we only have this confirmed in the second film) and farewell each other at the station the following morning promising to meet in six months time because neither can bear the idea of never seeing each other again. You want it to happen. All this in a film where no one says ‘I love you,’ yet you have no doubt that they do.

Before Sunset picks up nine years later in Paris, where Jessie has come for the last stop of his book tour. He’s now married with a four-year-old son but has never forgotten that brief time he spent with Celine. His first novel, This Time, is about her – he wrote it to try and find her. It works – she shows up at the book signing at Shakespeare & Co and they spend the day walking around the city until he has to catch his flight home. As he tells her, ‘I remember that night better than I do entire years.’

The question looms large – did they meet that December in Vienna as they had promised. At a café, Celine explains that she wanted to be there more than anything but that her grandmother died and they buried her on that day. Initially joking that he didn’t go, Jessie eventually admits that he was there, furious with himself for not exchanging phone numbers or surnames. Later, Jessie confesses to being unhappy in his marriage and that he thought about her on his wedding day. He wonders, often, what would have happened if they had met up, how ‘our lives might have been so much different.’ Now, Celine is cynical and Jessie wonders if he didn’t completely lose faith in romantic love when he was left standing at the station in Vienna alone.

Older, a little jaded but still hopeful in Before Sunset

But they have another chance, another opportunity to connect. The film ends at Celine’s apartment, after she sings him a waltz about a one-night stand she wrote about their time together. It’s pretty clear Jessie will miss his flight. I’m desperate for the next instalment.

At the risk of sounding like a broken down record, I’ll say it again – you just don’t get these lessons in love from romantic comedy.

But there is one exception to the rule for me – an unconventional romantic comedy that had me lovesick when I first saw it. It’s as good a time as any to revisit it here now.

The aches and pains of love pulse all the way through Steven Shainberg’s darkly comic Secretary (2003). It’s a film that makes me laugh but also makes me feel something more. I couldn’t help a wicked giggle at the quirky courtship between Mr Grey – an obsessive-compulsive lawyer played by James Spader – and his masochistic, self-mutilating secretary, Lee (the wonderful Maggie Gyllenhaal).

After one too many typos, Mr Grey spanks Lee, and a few typos later, they’re in love. But what appears to be a twisted tale of S&M power play in the workplace is, quite unexpectedly, a tender, ecstatic experience – possibly one of the most passionate love stories in recent memory. Two people who think they are unlovable get together in the most unexpected way.

Strange as it seems, Secretary is a love story in the old-school style. Like Paul Thomas Anderson’s equally heady and eccentric fable, Punch-Drunk Love (2002),here romance is a thing of sweats and fevers, where obsessive needs outweigh logic. Despite its bondage scenarios, Secretary avoids being merely salacious because Lee is utterly consumed by the pursuit of love. She suffers blissfully at Mr Grey’s sadistic hand because he makes her feel alive. It’s no wonder that her fervent desire also seduces an emotion-starved audience.

A very happy ending in unconventional romance Secretary

When you think Secretary has no surprises left, it pulls out a bona fide sweet Hollywood ending – with a fluffy wedding dress, a steamy bathroom scene and a burning realisation that without each other, Lee and Mr Grey can’t go on. Just as in the classics, you can’t help but feel their pain. When it hurts this much, you know it’s good.

 On of my favorite movie is Moonstruck with Cher.

The moon is beautiful. And so is love.

The moon is closer to earth than the sun, and this is why it has a stronger pull on its seas, but the sun, the sun gives us warmth, and gives the moon its light. Yet it's the moon that we could relate more to. It can never burn us.

Love hurts, over and over again because it is forgetful of who it has hurt before and we never learn. But every time your feelings become harder and harder to access. But on a night when the moon is full, you will give in and kiss that person that chose to be there. The person that chose to listen to you and support you when you never really ask for it. And it will be beautiful.

Whether it remains beautiful or not, however, is a matter of choice. A matter of accepting the fact that people change, and their place in your being is either reshaped or erased. Forever.

"There are a million important things to do. But none as important as lying here next to you."

And Moon made it feel like it's okay. Like I am not the only one who does that, and that is the thing that matters the most: You are not alone. You are not the only one.

Moon is about the little things, and trust me, it's the little things that matter ( a quote from my other favorite film...Valley Sky), it is the little things that make life worthwhile. And the little things happen all the time, every day, but most people just fail to notice them. Most people forget to remember that if they do notice the little things, they would be a lot happier.

Moon is about happiness.

I dare you to not relate to that. Moon is about the fear of falling in love, the fear that is at its peak right before you fall in love and then you succumb and you give in so willingly and you try to love the person to happiness, or more happiness and it's hard. Because you want that, and only that, and the fear is still there, the fear of losing what has always scared you.

JOURNAL: DATING DOESN'T COME EASY

“When you least expect it!” I fucking hated people for saying that, especially married people. Nothing in life happens when you least expect it execept for maybe cancer and car accidents. Even someone who suffers a massive heart attack must have some prior knowledge that they were in poor health or living an unhealthy life style. My point is that I have learned that nothing, especially dating comes easy or just comes into your life with out a little blood, sweat, and yes, tears.

It sucks but you have to put in the time. That time is dating and dating, and dating some more. Do you have the time for me to tell you how many women I met on online and the awful, extremely awful experience. I laughed and I cried because I though it was a joke that dating was this hard. Then, I just stopped. I didn’t stop dating, but I stopped complaining and I opened my eyes to the fact that I needed to be very aware of who I was choosing to meet and became exrtremely choosy about the woman I agreed to go on dates with. I realized it really does take someone speacial to find someone else’s  and that someone was me!  Step two was continuing to do all the work on myself. You know you really will not find the right woman until you really know yourself.  I worked hard to grow and learn about myself and also recognize what I needed and wanted for myself, and not what others think I needed.  Lastly, and this is the corniest of all, I actually started telling myself on a daily basis that I will find my true love and how ever long it takes, I am willing to wait because I know she is out there..” But let me just say, that with saying this, I finally let go of all the bullshit of beleiving she will find me, or we will bump into each other in the grocery store. Please, I was single in New York City and the amount of single women is astouding and I not ONCE met a single woman on happenstance. Basically I am saying a lot of it has to do with attitude and once you can free yourself from thinking “Why can’t I meet anyone?” and start thinking “I will meet someone,” you truly will be alone. All of those motivational speakers have a point; what you put out there is what you will get back.

Lastly, and I know I talk A LOT, let me just end by saying that you will continue to meet woman you are not interested and woman who want perfection, and woman who just suck. Again, give me two hours I will go down the list with you about how many women I met who told me I was handsome, but not tall enough. Or my favorite, “You are so fun to talk to. I never had a real conversation with a guy before.” There are truly wonderful women out there who do not represent all the other disasters you had to meet. I used to get angry after a date did not go well or the woman was a loser, but than I realized, somewhere out there is the woman who will just get me. And love me. And be mine. Love is not about being compatible on all levels, but many levels.

I’m perfectly nice, average-looking, intelligent and intellectual, funny, creative, etc man. Yes, I’ve done internet dating. I’m not doing it any more. I am SO SICK of these women who all think they’re going to wind up with  GQ rich, tall, handsome guy. You may read this and think I’m a terrible date, but I’m self aware enough to know I’m not a disaster. Personally, I don’t feel the need to subject myself to that kind of rejection any more. These women online are either not serious or they’re deeply deluded about who they’ll wind up with. Either way, it’s not good for me.

You know what I’m doing to meet a woman? I’m having a rich and active life.. I pursue things that interest me, and I’m friendly and open to meeting people who share those interests. I have a LIFE. By the time a woman is in her 30′s, she should have her act together a little.I would not describe myself as picky at all. I’m not looking for a movie star. I don’t care if she has money, career, or car. I’m just looking for a woman who’s nice to me, makes me laugh, and uses her brain. It’s been a long time since I met a woman I was really interested in. I can hear how defensive I sound, but I’ve earned my baggage. My parents celebrated their 47th anniversary this year. I never thought I’d be spending my entire adult life alone. And goddamn celebate! This is not the life I ordered.

Neither most men nor I can do ANYTHING about “women”. Which is why I see little to no value in putting any blame on them for all of their faults. Women can be shallow and clueless and selfish  So what? What am I going to do IN SPITE of that?  Women are shallow. Woman don’t value me. It’s not fair, it’s not right, it just IS. My only choice is to find the women who are NOT that way. And I know that my negative attitude about women and dating is NOT the way to attract that rare special woman who does exist in the universe.

LOVE: ROMANTIC LOVE FANTASY IS A SUBSTITUE FOR INTIMACY

Before I married ex wife.... I had a perfect fairy-ideal of what romantic love was, probably because I was an actress and loved drama back then.

It took years for me to realize a relationship is not a romance movie.

At some point in our lives, we may believe that love should be like the kind of romance we see portrayed in films, television, and novels.

For some reason, I always thought my romantic relationships were less if I did not experience this kind of fairy-tale relationship. Maybe this is why I kept meeting frogs.

At times, I bought into the belief that if I had a relationship with the perfect prince, then all would be well in my life. I thought, Now, I will be safe forever.

In truth, I did marry a princess—but a princess who is also human, who has faults and issues just like every person, no matter how wonderful he is.

At some point I grew up and learned to let go of the crazy metaphor of romantic love in order to find true happiness. Yes, I was disappointed  But, let’s look at it in this light: We all saw Romeo and Juliet and Titanic. Why stories like these make our hearts sing is that the love is unrequited. Unavailability fuels the romantic expression.

This kind of romantic story can only work when there is an absence of the lover. Sometimes, they have to die in the end in order for their love to fit into this romantic view. Or, we eat handfuls of popcorn, waiting to see if they live happily ever after, and we rarely find out if they really do.

The romantic love fantasy is really a substitute for intimacy—real, connected, vulnerable intimacy.

So then, how do we make relationships work and stay happy?

We begin with the understanding of what pure love is, and then redefine and update the romantic fairytale into a healthier type of love.

Here are 10 ways to create true intimacy, find pure love, and be truly happy in your relationship:

1. Use relationships to teach you how to be whole within.

Relationships aren’t about having another person complete you, but coming to the relationship whole and sharing your life interdependently. By letting go of the romantic ideal of merging and becoming “one,” you learn  to love the distances in relationship as much as the togetherness.

2. See your partner for who he or she really is.

The romantic tragedy occurs when you view the person you are in love with as a symbol of what they have come to represent, the idea of them. When you realize that more often than not you don’t really know your partner, you begin to discover who they are and how they change and evolve.

3. Be willing to learn from each other.

The key is to see the other as a mirror and learn from the reflection how you can be a better person. When you feel upset, rather than blame your partner and point fingers, remain awake to what has yet to be healed in yourself.

4. Get comfortable being alone.

In order to accept that love can’t rescue you from being alone, learn to spend time being with yourself. By feeling safe and secure to be on your own within the framework of relationship, you will feel more complete, happy, and whole.

5. Look closely at why a fight may begin.

Some couples create separateness by fighting and then making up over and over again. This allows you to continue the romantic trance, creating drama and avoiding real intimacy. If you become aware of what you fear about intimacy, you’ll have a better sense of why you’re fighting—and likely will fight far less.

6. Own who you are.

We generally grasp at romantic love because we’re yearning for something that is out of reach, something in another person that we don’t think we possess in ourselves. Unfortunately, when we finally get love, we discover that we didn’t get what we were looking for.

True love only exists by loving yourself first. You can only get from another person what you’re willing to give yourself.

7. Embrace ordinariness.

After the fairy-dust start of a relationship ends, we discover ordinariness, and we often do everything we can to avoid it. The trick is to see that ordinariness can become the real “juice” of intimacy. The day-to-day loveliness of sharing life with a partner can, and does, become extraordinary.

8. Expand your heart.

One thing that unites us is that we all long to be happy. This happiness usually includes the desire to be close to someone in a loving way. To create real intimacy, get in touch with the spaciousness of your heart and bring awareness to what is good within you.

It’s easier to recognize the good in your partner when you’re connected to the good in yourself.

9. Focus on giving love.

Genuine happiness is not about feeling good about ourselves because other people love us; it’s more about how well we have loved ourselves and others. The unintentional outcome of loving others more deeply is that we are loved more deeply.

10. Let go of expectations.

You may look to things such as romance and constant togetherness to fill a void in yourself. This will immediately cause suffering. If you unconsciously expect to receive love in certain ways to avoid giving that love to yourself, you will put your sense of security in someone else.

LETTER: DEAR FUTURE WIFE

Dear Future Wife:

Seeing as how I don’t know who you are yet still plan to make you my wife, I thought I’d give you a heads up and list some of my wants and desires. Some of these are literal while others are merely products of wishing I knew who (and where) you are.

I want our meeting to come from the story books and lovers’ films—your smile melting my world and holding my breath hostage. That day will be the day my life can begin.

I want to hold your hand softly and squeeze it ever so slightly as we walk among the falling leaves, our common infatuation growing with each step we take.

I want my heart to be filled for you—each moment I share with you being a moment I could never live without. Those moments will be the ones we smile and reminisce over when we’re old and gray.

I want to show you that a man can treat you the way you deserve, lifting and supporting you in reverence and respect as you should’ve been your entire life.

I want to surprise you by bending to one knee in the fresh snow; my hands lightly grasping a shining diamond perfectly fitted for your lovely little finger. And while the words may falter and catch in my throat, you’ll see the look in my eyes that tells you I want you to be mine forever.

I want to write you the loveliest vows, hold your hand and kiss your lips as the minister blesses our union. That day will be the day my life forever gains a purpose.

I want to gently wake you up on Saturday mornings and make love to you as the sun’s rays try their best to sneak into our bedroom. We won’t be bothered with notions of disturbance but rather become lost within our pleasure, within our satisfactions, within our love.

I want us to leaning against one another when times are rough . In life, in love we will be side by side.

I want to disappear with you into a foreign land once a 2-3 year, our taste for adventure and roaming the globe satisfied within the company of each other as we experience new cultures together.

I want to cook for you when you’ve had to work late and are worn to the bone. We’ll sit in the soft light and I’ll listen as you share the frustrations of your day with me.

I want to watch over when you when you get sick, preparing your medicines and massaging away your aches and pains.
I want to show you off to all my friends and have them grow green with envy as they realize they’ll never have a woman like mine. With you on my arm, I could never lose.

I want to ravish you on a warm spring night, our fevered looks and flirting touches no longer able to restrain our deep desire for one another. On these nights, our sweat will mingle and our breaths will quicken but in each other, we will have found the fleeting beauty of love.

I want to be the father you’ve always dreamed of for our children—strong and firm yet smiling, loving and accepting.
I want look at you after many years of marriage and still know that you’re all I’ll ever want or need and that you and you alone, fulfill me in all the ways a wife can satisfy a husband.

I want to grow old with you, our skin softening and our eyes fading. We’ll hold hands and take that same leave laced walk we took in the beginning, our hands still clasped together, the love between us as vital as ever.

I want to love you a day past forever. When our existence has expired and we are but a memory to the children and grandchildren we’ve left behind, I’ll still love you.

I want you—and I want you for forever.