PERSONAL: I WANT SOMEONE TO TRANSFORMER 4 WITH.

Did you know that 99% of the woman here are adventure travelers? It seems dubious to me too, but let’s continue as if it’s true. The majority of woman on the site go on and on about all of the outdoor adventure activity they do, including mountain climbing, ziplining, white water rafting, bungee jumping, parasailing, sky diving, someone even talked about alligator wrestling. And of course they love traveling and frequent all these crazy places like Iceland and Belize and Egypt and Greece and the rainforests or whatever. They are outdoors all the time, playing every sport that was ever invented, including some you’ve never heard of (sled hockey?), and they work out 5+ times a week.

Come on.

I live in Long island less than 30 min away from city and less than 20 min away from the beach. These woman say they are ambitious and have pretty good jobs where they are making average salaries. How exactly are they ziplining regularly? And where? And how are they getting time off from work to travel all the time? And with what money? I don’t buy it.

But that’s not even what bothers me. The real kicker here is the type of guy they are all looking for. Now on my profile, I checked off the box saying that I want someone who wants kids and who’s single (… why I have to specify this troubles me). And I wrote out by hand that I am looking for an easy-going, honest, passionate woman. Are those the type of characteristics these woman are looking for? Not even close.

He has to be tall, handsome and adventurous and also love adventure sports like ziplining and whatever the hell, and he also has to love to travel. He has to be open to trying anything (I’m assuming this means sexual positions...just kidding ;-)) and be outgoing and extroverted and like to go out but also like to stay in. He has to be a great conversationalist, smart, witty, funny, and “not get embarrassed easily.” (Why are we specifying this? Again, troubled.) He also has to be ambitious, be smart and successful, be educated and have a great job, be family-oriented, be career-driven, want to have (and, unspoken, take care of) kids, knows how to take care of himself (I can only assume this means that he’s has a 6 pack), be outdoorsy, like to be outside all the time (these are apparently two different things), like to camp and hike, be “active” and work out frequently, did I mention tall and handsome?, like all different kinds of foods and be willing to try – AND LIKE, GODDAMNIT – any kind of exotic food, not be pessimistic or complain, be loyal and honest, not be self-conscious about anything (… you’re helping), know who she is and what she wants, and, my ultimate favorite, ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM.

Wow This is a joke, right? Do you sincerely think you can find all of this in one person? Have you considered the fact that you are on this site because this is what you’re holding out for?! First of all, Do you want someone who does these adventure sports and plays sports too and works out every day? Huh? And how are you going to find someone who is career-driven and is family-oriented and is handsome who also has time to play sports as an adult and like hike around all the time and wrestle alligators? What? I do know guys who do that kind of stuff, but believe me most of them do not meet all these other criteria, including having the hot model appearance you desire.

But also, think hard – DO YOU REALLY WANT THIS? I don’t think you want this type of guy if he even exists, because then he’d be too intimidating and you’d feel like he was overshadowing you and better than you at the things you do, and lord knows that would be a problem.

So I offer this plea to the woman here. Refocus. Look for a guy who doesn’t mind that you (apparently) want to go off ziplining, but who might want to lay in the sunshine and read a book while you do. (To work on that tan you demand, obviously.) Or pick, say, two of the major things you’re looking for. Like, he has to be adventurous and handsome, but it’s okay if he’s a waitor You know? Be a little more realistic. I’m not saying let go of your dreams. But get a grip. Everyone is not Brad Pitt. (Not that you’d be into him, since he’s athletic and toned and probably doesn’t have time for parachuting with all those babies in tow.)

How about those pictures where it seem like every woman is holding a drink in her hand? Do they know what message that sent to guys? She must be either a party girl....or she easy or...she has a drinking problem. Listen I know everyone drink once in a while....but do you need show that when you are trying to find a guy to marry?

It’s this bad, and I haven’t even been on a date yet. Good lord. Clearly I’m going to be single forever.

When you read what most woman say they’re looking for in a mate, one of the first three things they’ll say is “sense of humor.” No doubt about it. It’s our dating mantra. “I just want someone who can make me laugh.” “Laughter’s all that really matters in the end, isn’t it?” “Looks fade, but sense of humor is forever.” Then how come I’ve never seen a guy say, “would you check out the jokes on that girl?”

90% of the women say they’re looking for someone who can make them laugh. Do they mean it? No idea. But I’ve been in a lot of bars with a lot of funny dudes, and ladies’ heads have not swiveled. However, if a guy walks in who looks like Johnny Depp, or even better, looks like he just got into a fight with Johnny Depp, there’d be swiveling all over the place. Like the desk chair convention was in town. (Are there desk chair conventions? Probably not. Needed it for the joke. Worth it? Probably not.)

Men, however, are no better. If a girl isn’t funny, or at least playful in her emails, I report no interest in her. But, truth be told, if she looks good in a tank top I’ll probably find a way to get interested, at least for a little while. Many of my friends say that finding a lady to joke with is a priority as well, yet I can count on one hand the ones they’ve dated that I’d trust to tell me a joke. “Knock knock. Who’s there? Long Island Iced Tea. Long Island Iced Tea who? What? No. Get me a Long Island Iced Tea. Also, do you have any gum?”

Never saw an US Weekly with Buddy Hackett on the cover. Why?

Not convinced that we’re all liars? How about this: if sense of humor was really such a big, if laughter was truly the great equivocator, then only the funniest people would date the funniest people. If you were hilarious, and all you truly wanted was hilarious, then you’d grab Kristen Wiig or Tina Fey and be done with it. Everyone would pursue the absolute highest level of humor they could obtain in a mate, so the uproarious would date the uproarious, the semi-uproarious would date the other semi’s, and there on down. But you don’t see that. Funny people date unfunny people all the time. It’s the hotties who only date other hotties. Relationships aren’t organized by laughs, they’re sorted, obviously, by looks. The most attractive date each other, as do the cutes, as do the weirdos. That’s life. And the funniest people, well, they go for the hotties too. Sense of humor never enters into things.

So why do we do it? Why do we say we want someone who can make us laugh, then chose someone who can make us hot?

Not funny.

There’s two explanations. Either we’re all shallow deceitful fucks (here’s looking at you, Johnny Depp), or there’s something more complex going on. My theory, shockingly, is the latter. I think that we’re not as a jaded as I’ve made us out to be. Deep down, we know the right match for us is someone who can make us giggle those dizzy little you-know-just-what-gets-me giggles. We know, in our hearts, that laughter is what we truly need in a partner, but we’re weak. We’re weak, horny little pigs, and we give in to the immediacy of our desires. Because sense of humor is not immediate. It doesn’t grab you the minute you lay eyes on someone, the way that smiles or tits or asses so reliably do. The prospect of a lifetime of laughter sounds good, amazing, even, but it can’t send that instant jolt through your body the way the right girl can when she smiles and twirls her hair. (Tough break, bald girls). The fact is, we’re idiots. Even though we know that humor is a lot more important than hair color (sorry again, baldies) to the point where we ourselves state it as our greatest priority, we still go after the most attractive person we can get our hands on. We’re schmucks, really. And in the end, predictably, sex sells. It’s true in politics, movies, and magazine covers – so why shouldn’t it be so when it comes to actual, well, sex?

Sadly, though, we don’t know this about ourselves. We say we want sense of humor, hook up based on looks, then feel disappointed when the shapely young girl with the winning smile is less interesting than the pint glass she’s drinking out of. (Although, admittedly, I do have a bit of a thing for pint glasses.) We break up with that chick, say we’re gonna do better next time, then make the exact same mistake over again. It’s the Transformer’s 3 Syndrome. No person in their right mind who saw Transformers 1 or 2 would think, “man, I’ve got to get me another two and a half hours of that shit!” But then the summer rolls around and we see the previews with the fancy robots, and the cars that turn into shooty things, and shooty things that turn back into spaceships, and we think “maybe this one will be better.” And then we go, and want to die. So the next time you spend a night with a boring beauty, just remind yourself that you just bought a ticket to see Transformers 3. For like the hundredth time. Then you’ll have a real walk of shame.

So what do we do? How the fuck should I know. I go out on dates with people I don’t know, you think I’ve got it all figured out? Probably, we should be honest with ourselves. We like funny, but we’re addicted to hot, and until we get over that this whole sense of humor business will continue to be a myth. But that’s not so bad, it’s just part of the process. And maybe then we tell the truth when someone asks us what we’re looking for in mate…

“I want someone to see Transformers 3 with.”