LOVE: WHY YOU ARE ALONE AND CAN'T FIND THE ONE.

About 90% of you who read this won't respond. The 10% who do respond, I would say about 9% are curious seeker..meaning they think they understand what I have written and want the same thing. From my experience they are lying to themselves and me. It funny, because most of the time...they tell me how someone they were with didn't keep their word, or their partner was a workaholic, or the partner wasn't loving enough ...you get the point. And I would tell them that relationship are mirror images of who you are. When I get to talk to them...I realized what they complain about so much about their past partner is exactly what they lack in themselves. So why would I want to met them?

I am looking for that 1% who gets me. Someone who still believe in love...and has child like trust ...who when they read my words, totally understands me and know where I am coming from. A woman who live and breathe words. ....It would be like my words make them feel that perhaps they was not completely alone. They could be honest with me, and I with them. By reading my words, what I wrote, they might be able to see the world as I see it, its colors and textures and sounds, they would feel-- what I felt the way I think, hoped, feel and dream. She would dream what I dream, want what I wanted--and then I realized that truly I just want to be with me. That I am their soul mate that they have been seeking all their life..

And to this one person..i can only say this to you: "I can offer you my life, I can offer you my heart, though I have no idea how many more beats it shall sustain. But I love you enough to hope that you will not care that I am being selfish in trying to make the rest of my life - whatever length - happy, by spending it with you. I want to be married to you, I want it more than I have ever wanted anything else in my life." "That is,if you love me, too.”

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If you are a beautiful woman, single and looking for love, I think I know your story. It goes something like this:

You’ve been single longer than planned. The men you meet – when you actually get to meet someone – are boring, oafs or just plain wrong. You never feel that spark, and you need that spark. You have created a great life for yourself and you’re a good catch. Your friends and family tell you that you’re too picky, but you absolutely will not settle. If Mr. Love You comes along, that will be great, but if he doesn’t you figure you’ll be just fine without him. Am I not right?

But my question is this.....why are you lying to yourself Huh? I know most smart, independent woman…sometime feel lonely, wishing for the deep, real, comforting love and affection of a man. . But you are not okay if he doesn't come along. You want to share your life with a man. You wanted it so much that I you are on this site, but you have to realize that it's you that is creating your dismal results.I hear this from women all the time. I’m tired of meeting losers. All the good ones are gay or taken. All the men I meet are bald, boring, messy, sex-crazed, they are too this, not enough that. And the most common: I just don’t feel a spark with any men I’m meeting.It's all bullshit to me.

Think about this..ok....if you are a half decent looking woman, you get hit upon all the time...even online. Do a search right now on ..on finding a guy who is taller than 5’7″, college educated, non-smoking, occasional drinker, making $75,000+. The search result will give you at least 3,000 guys in a 25 mile radius. If you are dismissing all these guy..its most often about self-protection. I mean, come on.... after all, if every man you meet is unworthy then there is no risk you’ll actually start dating or get in a relationship! Yep, that’s a surefire way to avoid ever being hurt or rejected.

Most of you probably have a list of what you want in a man. It may not be on paper…but you have one. It usually includes things like:honest, funny, good looking and financially stable. Well I got them all. Being a good date and being a good life partner can be very, very different. Many of us, me included, tend to pick based on whether she’s a good date. That has nothing to do with whether she’ll be a good wife. I learn that the hard way with my divorce. I know…you deserve to be picky, right? But picky isn’t a good thing and doesn’t tend to serve us well. There is a distinction between being picky and being discriminating. I was picky when I eliminate someone because of she was thin or not.. I am discriminating when I eliminate someone because she lives in another state.

A lot of woman have tall as must-have. But why? Why do you want him to be tall? How does it make you feel when you’re with a tall guy? Do you feel attractive? Feminine? Safe? Come on.....Now I ask: Is that the only quality a man can have that makes you feel that way? What if he was like me...of incredibly strong character, confident, treats you like gold, is always interested in making you happy, finds you incredibly beautiful and sexy…would he also have to be tall? Does anything I say has open your mind at all? And here’s an important note: there really is no such thing as perfect, ladies. If I had gotten my fantasy,my idea woman would be blond, blue eyes, slim, educated, great family, rich and makes love like a porno star. But I live in the real world. Most woman are broken, not college educated, not slim, don't have any assets to list...ect... but I don't let my fantasy rule me. It like the quote John Cusack said in the movie High Fidelity: "I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments" I don't want to committed to nothingness, I want to commit to a real human being who isn't perfect.

What “shoulds” are getting in your way of finding the man who will adore you for the rest of your life? What do you believe to be true that is holding you back? I am not telling you that you aren't t deserving of being selective. Like you should just grab the next guy who would have you. I am not telling you start accepting less, sticking around too long and putting up with way too much. You shouldn't accepted disrespect and lack of integrity. If he doesn't treat you as if you are special ..then leave.. You just don’t have to accept bad behavior. You should be Ms. Picky with the “big” stuff. A big thing for me is someone who walks her talk. Anyone can talk big. While anyone can make a mistake or fall short of perfect behavior, someone who repeatedly is rude, inconsiderate and inconsistent...is out of my life

Listen..if you’re still looking for Mr. Right, chances are that the man you want doesn’t exist Let’s start with “looking for Mr. Perfect.”. Don’t get me wrong, it’s important to be clear on what you want in a partner. But reality should play some part of this if you truly want to find a partner. (As opposed to just bullshitting yourself.) If the man you are waiting for must have flat abs, is over 6 foot, makes you laugh, loves to cook, has an executive job, likes to travel, loves your Mother and your cat…you will probably need help. This guy represents an infinitesimal percentage of the population of the world. Add in that you also want him to be mature, stable and grounded… Look for him all you want but this guy just doesn’t exist. Get rid of that vision you’ve carried around since you were 18 or 20 or even 35. Time to revisit and replace your story of a “perfect man” with a grownup version that actually exists and will satisfy you as a grownup woman.

And then there woman who in their profile say they want a long term relationship... want to get married....blah blah blah...but in reality they are looking for a hot guy; not a husband. If you’re still going after hotness and charisma above all, if you’re running for the hills when you don’t have that instant chemistry, I have one thing to say (a la Dr. Phil): How’s that working for ya so far?

Before you get all mad, I agree that the man you connect with has to be attractive to you. But if you’re looking for that guy we talked about above, not only doesn’t he exist, but I suspect not one of those characteristics have anything to do with him being a good life partner. If you’re looking for someone to spend 20+ happy years with – I recommend you look a heck of a lot deeper.

Almost every profile I read ..mention chemisty. Alot of you are convinced that the holy grail is that elusive “chemistry.” Without it, you hardly feels it’s necessary to give a guy any time or attention. Jesus it like you are stuck in your 12-year-old self’s fantasy and guided by feelings and intuition. You still believes that one day your prince will come, you will lock eyes, and BANG…it will happen! You are holding out for the blazing bonfire; and if it doesn’t happen right away, you don't not sticking around. WOW!!!!!!!!!!

I dated for a lot of years and met a ton of women. We’d have a good phone call and then we’d usually meet for coffee. A lot of them seemed to lose interest pretty quickly. I always felt like I was being tested. It was like: “Show me what you got!” And if I didn’t perform in the first 10 minutes, I could tell she would shut down. Like I disappointed her somehow.

Remember Ally McBeal? I loved that show. She was smart, attractive, accomplished, and was always trying to find Mr. I Love You or keep her current Mr. I Love You, but it just never worked.One episode I always remember is this one: She meets this charming lawyer, and he thankfully asks her out. He takes her to a lovely restaurant. At dinner they have stimulating and engaging conversation, sharing big smiles and a few nervous giggles. Ally is falling hard. The love song plays in the background. (You see this guy, la la la la, this guy’s in love with you…)Uh-oh. Here it comes: a spot of bleu cheese dressing on his chin. Oh no! Not that! Ally takes notice. Ally stares. Ally obsesses. All she sees is the freakin’ bleu cheese. In reality it’s a little dot, but as she becomes more obsessed she starts seeing more and more and MORE bleu cheese! And then, poor gorgeous lawyer man is literally bathed in bleu cheese dressing from head to toe.Errrrrrk! Music stops playing. Ally takes on the “Oh crap, not another loser” look. She is done with him. B’bye This is exactly how most woman are......

The last woman I talk to..told me this, "‘I don’t want ordinary love. I want something passionate with someone I truly respect: a soulmate. Unfortunately, I find few men who I’m really attracted to" Crazy crazy crazy. She told me that she just had to find the right person — yet this is where her problems deepened I think.. Instead of looking for a ‘good enough’ man — as her mother or grandmother would have done — she is holding out the promise of the all-singing, all-dancing, perfect partner.As a result, she is searching for an overpowering connection has caused her to choose two types of lovers. There are those who are good on paper but do not yield an immediate ‘chemistry’, so she gives up on them. or there are the ‘bad boys’ who are ‘passionate and deeply emotional’, but deliver brutal and destructive relationships.

You know what i told her..."Instead of intense attraction, could your subconscious have been pumping adrenaline round your body because it was saying, “Run, run, run".HAHAHAHAHA

I understand that I’m not Brad Pitt. But I’m educated, decent looking man ,I have a good job, and I’m damn nice. And I am serious about finding The One. Apparently I was supposed to jump through some hoops to get their attention.

You can probably imagine how it feels when you have to do some song and dance to get attention from someone you’re meeting for the first time. Oh, wait…you don’t have to imagine, do you? You’ve probably felt like this with some of the men you’ve met. It’s like you have a few minutes to pass some test; and if you don’t, he’s essentially done.

Feels crappy, doesn’t it? Here is how dating can go for the Wow-Me Woman: She dates and never meets men she likes. Then, once in avery long while, she meets someone and feels The Chemistry. They have an incredible first date. He could be The One! Then there are two things that can happen: you have a great first date and he never calls her again. In this case you read it apparently you read it wrong. or he instantly starts texting and emailing, and you both jump in...then, relatively soon thereafter, he either disappears or explains that he’s just not ready for a relationship.Am I not getting your life story correct?

If you’re willing to stay with a man who “has everything” but can't commit to marriage, it means you’re willing to accept disappointment , fear, and insecurity rather than the love and devotion you deserve. It’s not just lack of commitment. It’s everything.

The Wrong Guy comes in many forms: he treats you like crap, he won’t make a commitment,or he just doesn’t have the qualities you’re looking for in a lifetime mate. You should blame chemistry. You tend to take it very seriously. So seriously that it often trumps all other data. It’s like once you decide he’s hot and possibly The One, all contrary evidence is invisible or seems irrelevant. Out the window it goes. Look: if you want to just have sex, go for the hot men. But if you want to be adored, challenged, trusted, loved, and humored…learn how to think past that superficiality to find the real good guys .

I am irritated because I am looking for something real and lasting. I feel like I am dating like a grownup, but not getting the same in return. I guess I am looking for the woman who is not just looking for a good date; she is looking for a good husband. Having fun and being with a cute guy was not what lifetime partnership was all about. I needs to know more about you than that you win marathons, have a big career,or like to see adventure movies. I wants to know YOU. Just like you want to know more about me than my job title and golf score.

Do you want to know why married men or gay men like you? Married men like you because they know you! When you are with unavailable men, you are your authentic self. You don’t have those walls up, you aren’t stuck in your head, and you’re not being taken over by your gremlins and insecurities.After all: these guys aren’t available, so there is no need for all that nonsense, right?

When I get to talk to some of the woman who respond to me most of them are cold, defensive, and bordering on aggressive.Their first mission was to make it clear to me that they have a very full life and was doing just fine on their own. They thought it was important for me to “know who they were.” After all, They were independent woman, and They was not going to give up or change anything for any man! If I was the man for them, I would appreciate their strength and the real them; But you know what....there was no kindness ...they came at me with all they got... big personality, sarcastic wit, strong opinions and personal power. If they don't need someone ..then why are they in the site. In truth, it usually a test, and very few men passed. (Nor, did I want to). It was their armor that was a turn off. They would come off like men..they don't need anyone...they don't need anything. Please!!!!

It's the masculine is attracted to feminine. That’s just how it is. So chill, knock off the scary overly controlling stuff and have some fun being a girl. Just like you want a man who is strong, confident, and decisive; he wants a woman who is nurturing, kind, and receptive. It’s nature. Here’s my newsflash: Being feminine doesn’t mean you can’t also be brilliant, opinionated, and self-sufficient. It’s all part of an amazing package

No guy want to compete with his partner.when you’re on relationship…you’re no longer at work…doing those things that make you so effective at the office…does not set a man’s heart aflame. I adore a woman who can take charge and kick ass, but just don’t feel the need to have it proven around me. The thought of you going to the office, being decisive, and taking control can really turn me no but I just don't want it to be my ass that’s getting kicked or that you’re trying to control. Honestly…who wants to be around bossy people? And no one wants to be bossed around themselves. In business, some of us are forced to endure it to climb to the next rung or simply to feed our families. In our personal life, however, no self-respecting person – man or woman – should stick around for it.

To me...finding a partner is like finding a good job: you only need one, but making a bad choice wastes your time and sticks you in an unpleasant situation. To avoid that, means not letting yourself be taken in by the flashy exterior. Granted, when I talk to someone on the phone I don’t know her too well, but what traits (other than her hotness) show potential? But I do ask myself does she seem smart, compassionate, spiritual? Does she care about pleasing me? Does she share important interests or beliefs? If all I can come up with is “she’s beautiful” or “we have chemistry”… I am going to do what Forrest Grump did....Run for the hills! . Bad choices are just around the corner. Notice I didn’t say “Do I feel good when I’m with her.” beautiful + Chemsity means I feel good – especially when she seems to be attracted to me. Yah baby, I feel good.But if she bring the best out of me and I am comfortable being myself with her? Then I am definitely want to talk to her some more and see her.

If you’re embodying joy, compassion and sensuality, telling me how great I am, making me feel like a billion bucks and the conqueror of worlds, you have no competition. I would marry you in a second. In fact....good men will come out of the woodwork to find a goddess like you.

What if you found someone like me : the one that thinks you are delightful, and beautiful, and brilliant? The one that boasts to his friends about your successes and supports you in all you do? The one that makes you feel safe, gives you permission to soften, and to be the complex woman that you are? Wouldn’t you want him to feel like a billion bucks and the conqueror of worlds? So I ask you: if I can makes you feel that good, then what the begeezes is so infuriating and ugly about being an open, loving, giving woman for toward me? And yes, there is a catch, and an important one: you’re not going to come close to finding someone like me unless you show yourself to be the woman worthy of me.

Albert Einstein once said:“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” Al was so damn smart! Not only was he the king of quantum physics, he got right to the heart of one of the most troubling challenges in male/female relations.It’s one thing to get man to change what he wears, it’s another thing to expect him to change who he is. When you love a man, love him as-is for God sake. He’s just being who he is. You want a man of character, don’t you? and if your man doesn't have character before you met him...he won't after you marry him. And the other problem to me is that most woman are trying to be something they are not ...until they can't and then the real them come out. To your man, it seems the woman he fell in love with is changing before his eyes. You’re not changing really; you’re just finally being your true self. Trust me...In the long run, faking stuff to catch a man makes you both miserable.. this is why my marriage failed.

Have you heard this quote by Anthony Robbins: “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” I love this quote.Well, Mr. Robbins said it: as long as you stay the same and keep doing the same things…you will remain in the same situation.I’m going to guess that you’re doing pretty darn well without him. You’re probably happy, and you’ve created a nice life for yourself. But don’t you want spectacular?? That’s what can happen when you find a loving partner to share your already great life with. Expecting that special someone to show up as you repeatedly think, feel, and do the same thing over and over…is just not realistic. Unfortunately, that’s just not the way it is. You have to make it happen; and the only way you can do that is to respond to me.

After you been in so many relationship, you l realize that in any human relationship.......you are ultimately facing yourself. The girl or guy you are talking to is actually a reflection of yourself in a different form. The best practical example I like to give is to look into the pupil of your partner's eye. What can you see? Chances are you see a close reflection of your own self. Read that last sentence again. Think about what I am trying to say. The more you think about it, you will begin to realize the truth about the universe.




PART II

 I never thought this whole process would be so hard. You can guess my chagrin when I refer to marriage as a "process". Growing up on heavy doses of romantic movies, There were dreams of finding someone amid picturesque hills and valleys. Unfortunately, in the frantic bid to establish a career and standing on my own feet, a lot of my dreams have met the Grim Reaper; and one of those is that of meeting someone who will steal my heart away, right under my nose. The truth is, between an excrutiatingly busy career and a non existent social life, it has been impossible to meet someone. That is not to say, I have not tried the dating sites promise to find you the "one", but I think most of them are mirages that serve best to keep my hopes of finding a life partner alive but have so far not given me any tangible results.

I used to think finding love would be an easy thing. Think about it. I am a attractive, good health, well educated.. a doctor, have a house, car, and a great family. A lot of girls would love to marry me. Well, I was so wrong. I had the fatally wrong notion that in the I could snap my fingers and get the girl I want. Anyways, years ago, I gave in to the pressure of my loneiness and got married and realized she never really did love me. I won't ever settle again.

Needless to say, I haven’t really found someone I’m interested in, even after making a whole new commitment to putting myself out there. I always try to find the lesson in everything — the silver lining that will make it all make sense, that will make it all seem part of a grand scheme, or some predetermined fate that I can’t even begin to visualize yet. But really the only thing I’ve become convinced of is……dating can suck. It can honestly, really, really suck. It’s constant disappointment. It’s something being off even if you’re not quite sure what that something is. It’s trying to avoid the wolf underneath the sheep, and to find the sheep that’s hidden by your mesmerization with the wolf. It’s hoping for a someone you’re not entitled to meet just because you’re you. Frankly, it’s so exhausting

But I think it's important to find love. I can't imagine what will replace not doing that, because I've done everything else I've wanted to. I think it's the sense of belonging I hanker after. I finally got to the point where I began to get at least a basic understanding of who I myself am and and the forces that made me what I am, I finally had the experience of meeting someone I loved purely for herself and not through the distorting mirror of my own psyche. For a variety of practical reasons it couldn't last long, but I remember one day in particular when we took a long walk by a river, when I had an overwhelming feeling of completeness, as though I had finally managed to accomplish something Nature had programmed me to do. And I felt very grateful for that experience, in many ways it didn't seem to matter how long it lasted, just to have had that day was everything.

Most people based their internet dating on picture. Most woman see a handsome picture of a guy and they don't know at him at all. They have fallen in love with a pretty face, and an idea. The image of who he is, what he cares about, his flaws and perfections, are nearly entirely made up through their imagination. That alone should be a problem for any rational person. But love isn’t rational – or so I hear. I am not arguing that physical attraction doesn’t matter – it does

The woman who do respond to me...it seem ... want more pictures...want to met up ASAP without even knowing anything about me...the person inside. They don't care about anything else except for chemistry . You either have it or not. And I believe that real love takes time...you can't just know with one meeting, but you shouldn't be wasting peoples' times if your heart is close. Love is a choice. You choose to love someone when you're ready for a mature commitment, you want to build a family, and you want to grow together with someone you're compatible with (intellectually, sexually, spiritually, etc.) You get to a point in life when you want and desire a true, deep, meaningful, monogamous relationship that exceeds superficial fantasies. Deep within all of us (or at least I believe so) is an innate hunger to become entangled physically, emotionally, and spiritually with the one person you have decided to unite with in marriage even when all hell feels like is swirling around you.

I read these profiles...and I see these beautiful woman all pursuing the Don Drapers, They come to Manhattan with dreams of meeting the rich i-banker.They don’t care how smug or self-important he is. They want the man who will help them believe that they are more attractive or engaging than they really are. The problem is that they can’t compete. You message these men on dating sites because you want them to go out with you. You want to be The Chosen one, and when you repeatedly fail, you heap all of the blame and frustration on men. You play a huge part in this and you need to get that. These men? They don’t have to choose you They will sleep with you, but won't marry you. They have more than enough options. Common sense would dictate that you lower your standards. But no. Much like the men who suffer from similar chips on their shoulder, you’re going to continue to go after men way out of your league because you can’t admit that you just aren’t what they are looking for.

Yes, I know. You’re awesome. If people would only give you a chance, etc. Sweetie, nobody owes you a Blue Ribbon just for participating. Everybody doesn’t get a trophy. Only the winners. But do you want to continue to ride that carousel for years on end until you are sitting alone in your apartment and telling everybody how you “chose” to be single or how you rather be alone than in a bad relationship or whatever mantra you repeats endlessly in an attempt to avoid the real reason you are single. Who are you kidding? It is not me...it's yourself.

Most woman really do abandons their standards for really good looking guy.If you want to have standards, have standards. But standards only prevent you from being used and abused if you stick to them consistently. The whole “I refuse to settle” argument is so flimsy and disingenuous.

Every single woman must “settle” in order to end up in a serious relationship If a good looking woman in her 30s and wants to find a smart, funny man, who has a job, and that she personally is attracted to, to have a serious relationship with, why shouldn’t she wait for ridiculous standards like he must make six figures, look like George Clooney, be as funny as Conan O’Brien, blah blah blah.

Someone says “settle” and most woman think it that I am suggesting is to find some schmuck and get him to marry you. It’s not that there is a limited supply of men who want to date you. It’s that there is a limited supply of men who want to commit to you or anybody else. And if they do want to commit, they either are probably going to do it with someone under 30 so they won’t be rushed into settling down and having kids OR they are guys that you have blown off and passed over as you wait for your funny, attractive, educated, employed, charming Mr. Right. Many women have been listening to tales and fables from their friends about that one woman in their office or second cousin or sorority sister from college who found Mr. Right. They are exceptions to the rule. Not the rule.

Men will look at you and have vulgar fantasies about you in bed with them .For a guy to see a woman he is attracted to is to undress and imagine having sex wit her. Their only goal is to make it come true...is that what you want? To be used and thrown away. A means to an end of someone's fantasy?

If there are so many options for you ladies, then where are all the stories of courting and wooing? about some dude who beds you and disappears Why is online dating a billion dollar industry? The days of marriage and commitment being a given or a must have are over. So many woman been saying they didn’t need a man and had plenty of time to find someone that they completely missed the part when men started thinking the exact same way. Men have learned how to use the overage of single woman in the market place to their advantage. Now they’re winning. Now they’re being taken care of by desperate women who would rather support some leech than be alone. Or they’re dating multiple women who, like them, don’t want commitment. Or they’re juggling multiple women who do want commitment and then dumping them and then starting over. There’s a constant supply of single women for them!

Since no one gets EVERYTHING they want in a partner, then by definition, EVERYONE settles. LIke everything else in life, relationships are about tradeoffs. What can I live with in order to get the things I can’t live without.

It’s amazing to me that not only is this a foreign concept for otherwise “mature” adults, but that something that is essentially a truism should spark such incredible rage and emotion in some people. Do you also become outraged that the sky is blue and that the sun sets?

When anyone interprets settle as just taking the first guy that comes along, it indicates her rigidity and failure to understand the give and take in any relationship. It indicates her lack of ability to communicate well. The cold harsh truth is that we are always settling our entire lives. Each of us is one person on a planet of billions. Even insanely wealthy and powerful people have to settle. They still don’t get things exactly their way.

There is no one on this planet that exactly fit our criteria. And our criteria doesn’t even stay the same. No one should compromise on matters of principle, but matters of taste are an entirely different thing.

Consciously or not, you’ve been critically evaluating every guy you’ve dated or had a short-term relationship with. One guy might have a good job, be smart and funny, but are you attracted enough to him? The next guy might be funny and very attractive, but maybe not as ambitious in his work or have a higher degree. The thing is, no matter who you’re with, you’re looking for faults and comparing every man you’re with to a theoretical “better” man. Which is why the word “settle” upsets you so much.

By always looking for the “better” man, you leave yourself open to being played while looking for ways to reject the men that would be good for a long-term relationship.

Instead of critically evaluating every man against your 462-point checklist, try this challenge: with every guy you are attracted to, focus on his good qualities, and actively look for those good qualities. If you can do this consistently, you will invariably find that you’re even more attracted and realize that you’re not “settling,” you’re accepting a person and building them up so that they become the “better” man. You’ll be happier and more likely to find that genuine committed relationship you seem to be looking for.

The other thing I have been seeing is women trying to do things like men. Trust me ladies, you don’t necessarily want to do that. That’s not what the feminist movement fought for. Equality does not mean doing things the same way. Example, I have been looking at online profiles. Its amazing the age ranges I see women seeking in men. Does that slightly overweight 45 year old really think she can get an athletic 38 year old man to commit to her? He may do sex, but commitment, hardly likely. It’s just unrealistic. Men in the over 35 age have too many options. And the younger guys are no help. They are generally never going to give you what you really want.

The bigger problem with settling though, is that people are really not looking in the mirror. They are often asking for a standard that they can’t give. The funnest to me is the 5ft 2in girl asking for a guy over 6 ft.. It’s the 37 year old woman with a kid asking for a man with no kids. It’s the slightly overweight woman that wants a buff guy. It’s the woman with non-negotiables and disclaimers asking for an easy going drama-free guy. It’s the woman going on numerous dates with various guys asking for a one woman man. It’s the woman wanting a guy who will pay her bill, but want no part in paying any man’s bill. And finally, it’s the woman who has few or no potential suitors interested in commitment, demanding that very desirable guy who she knows has endless women throwing themselves at him.

DO YOU SEE WHY I JUST DON'T MET EVERYONE WHO RESPONDS TO ME...OR BETTER YET GO ON A DATE WITH THEM!!!!!

When people self sabotage they are still, as ever, acting in their own interests, the thing to figure out is what interests specifically they might be. I’ve also noticed that as women’s options decrease, the demands get ramped up when they should be reduced. You don't have forever to have kids ladies. By the age of 34 you only have 20% of your eggs left.

I think the best standards to have are about yourself and what this person does in relation to you, rather than some objective, standalone standard. For example, I’d say it’s more important to find someone who (assuming you want it) is able to intellectually challenge you and broaden your horizons than it is to find someone with an Ivy League degree. Likewise, it’d be important to find someone where, with combined incomes, you’d be financially stable and capable of living the kind of life you want to enjoy, rather than them having an X-figure salary just to have one. Like, if the two of you with 5-figure salaries would be able to live comfortable, then why are you trying to find someone in the low-to-mid 6-figures? What’s the point? Likewise, sharing particular tastes in this or that is ultimately meaningless, if the person’s communication style is totally incompatible with yours. I mean, sure, you can talk about how you both love XYZ indie rock band, but if you’re incredibly animated and the other person is incredibly subdued or taciturn, would it be a good fit?

It's true we need to be very careful with who we go out with. That's why, I think dating should be reserved only to those instances where the two person involve are really serious in their belief that probably the other person can be their other-half; that they can see themselves in their mind of minds that they can share their whole life with the other. If they can't find peace in their hearts in their decision to be with this person, then that person is not for them. Absolutely! The sole idea of never been loved again is frightening. Why are people so afraid to share their love with others. Why are there always high expectations of someone. I mean every person is lovable in their own particular way. Nobody has the time to share an empty space in time. Everybody seeks "the instant attraction " which is not only impossible but non-existent in many cases. You don't become "the one" or someone's best friend from a day to another. Things take time, space and patience. Nobody could never imagine why you smile alone in the middle of a long ride on the subway, nobody will ever know why you prefer 2 sugars instead of three in your coffee, or know the routine you have after getting out of the shower or your secret fantasies you get every you ride the train. Small things that make you a whole are slowly discovered and cherish with time. Why are people so skeptical and closed minded? Why can anybody give one a chance. I have not found someone who has the ability to care on the same level that I do. I can't find anyone who is ready and willing to trust openly and completely in order to love completely and to give 100% to one another always. I don't understand why this is such an elusive woman. I guess the key to it all is finding someone who truly wants to be in a relationship and love someone with everything that is in them.

I want to meet someone… with a heart that often feels too big for her chest. Someone who can see the good – the possible — in every part of her life, and especially with me. With us. Someone who captivates me, pulls me close and lets me fly. I want to meet someone who accepts herself and does what she can to understand the world. Someone who likes to read and learn — explore and make mistakes, dream and slow down. Someone who makes me want to be a better me and be part of a better we than she has before. I want to meet someone who knows how to love– who wants love– who may be afraid of it, but tries it anyway. Who knows how important it is. Someone who has goals for herself and plans she will break for the right thing, the right person, the right place – the right time. Someone who is happy with the someone and the something and the somewhere she is.

I want to meet someone who likes the way the world rests on Sundays and how it’s the perfect day to wake up late, make love and eat pancakes. Someone who wants a family just as much as they want an amazing, fulfilling career, and knows you’ll never be able to be perfect at either. I want to meet who has her act together like I do. Someone who wants to try new things but also likes to be a regular at places she can’t and won’t stop going to. Someone who knows how to kiss and knows that love isn’t always enough– but it’s always worth whatever it brings or makes you learn.

I want to meet someone who wants to know what I know, who wants to see the town I grew up in. Who can’t wait to be friends with my sisters and or go on a walk with my mom. Someone who comes from a place I admire and has a laugh I long to hear. Touch I want to feel. I want to meet someone who is strong enough to stand next to me and sweet enough to let me fall into her when I need it. Or even when I don’t, but want it. Someone who remembers the things I say and can hear the things I don’t, someone who will be there today, tomorrow – always. I want to meet someone who wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but here, with me.

I know she is out there... I DO.

She is a living, breathing, actual person with a history that I don’t know. She was born somewhere and she may or may not have moved away from her hometown. She has a freckle in an odd place that’s hidden away under her clothes. She has an ex-boyfriend who broke her heart, a certain way she loves to be kissed, and she may care less if the Jets won or loss. She has a food that she can’t get enough of, a vegetable she isn’t the biggest fan of, and a scar that has a story. Her girlfriends known since elementary school and a teacher who made an impact that lasted past the classroom. She knows every single word to a few songs, has read a book or two that she couldn’t put down, and she has a place she dreams of going, but never has. She may have an affinity for intelligent men who like to write. I haven’t met this woman. but this person, with all of her incredible and messy qualities, is the woman I have faith I will meet, and marry one day. I don’t believe in the idea of a soulmate who makes your “half” a whole, but I do trust there is a single person for everyone, who is suitable (and preferable) for life-long commitment.

While I was picturing her, getting lost in the endless wondering of when (or if) I would meet her or pondering if I could catch a glimpse of her on the next train or bump into her at the next cocktail hour – I had forgotten that a relationship with myself is really the one I needed to be working on.

Really, I knew had a choice: I could get lost in this fantasy character I’ve established in my mind, with blond hair, blue eyes, and perfect, succulent lips who like to have sex all the time than I can dream of (but is insanely humble and talented) – or I could first accept myself, and then accept her, for whoever she is. This doesn’t mean I settled for less than I deserved or lowered my standards, but I realized that instead of writing her letters, I could just go about my life and let whatever is meant to happen, happen.

I still have a ways to go on this journey, but I hadn’t realized how much progress I made until a beautiful stranger locked eyes with me on the subway yesterday and I smiled back, before getting off at my stop – and it occured to me: I haven’t thought about running into Ms. Right in such a long time.

And that was it. I did it. I finally let go of anticipating our encounter or wishing on stars to meet her.

And today, I’m a living, breathing person. I have dozens of stories that she doesn’t know. I’ve been lucky to love some wonderful women, and I’ve learned from the ones who have done me wrong. There are foods that I would never give up,and I admittedly have memorized most Backstreet Boy songs. I have a scar on my left wrist that’ll forever remind me of how i burned my wrist making lunch for a picnic with one of my ex.

Regardless of when she stumbles into my life or what she is really like or what color her eyes are, I am just as important of a character, of a person, as she is. And finally, she isn’t my top concern, my highest priority, or the thing I worry the most about. I don’t dress to impress her, imagine all of the ways I could meet her during the activities before me each morning, or curse the universe for delaying our impending marriage.

Instead, my look, my style, is my own. I look forward to the moments of my day where I’ll do something that’s fulfilling and helps others. And I thank the heavens above for giving me the chance and the drive to devote my passion, my enthusiasm to the most important, most beautiful, and most life-altering relationship I’ll ever experience: the love I have for me, or what I’d like to call myself…Mr. Right.

Some people tell it like you just finally find "the one." And some people say it's just work, you pick someone and they pick you and with a little work and a little luck, it works out. Some people say, "I wasn't ready till now, I had to grow," and some people say, "I was waiting for you my whole life." Romantic love contains within it the idea of knowing, and thus, for some of us, requires a leap of faith. I think you change, and keep changing, all the time. And if you find "the one", it must be that you've changed in some way that has made that possible. You've found someone with whom that particular part of you emerges, the part of you that can imagine one person, forever.

I do believe in the term the "one". The one emphasizes you are the one I choose to dedicate myself to even when I sometimes feel like there could have been another one. Love/marriage exists when we can honestly say, I don't feel like loving you but I choose to because you are the one I choose to love. Maybe we have some instinct the kick in to tell us, this person is the right one. Maybe the instinct comes from life lessons from our parents or some other life lesson from whoever. And when we make that decision based on our heart, mind, and instinct, we open up and hopefully the other person is equally open to the love. We feel somewhat sure that this person is the one, no one can tell us different (if it's not the one, we have to find that out somehow). If it don't work we feel bad about it, lick our wounds, and start over again. If it does work, we act right and hope the other wants to act right too


PART III

I came up with three reasons why I think it’s so difficult to find a good old fashion good woman. I’m referring to the one who cooks, cleans, self driven, respectful, have morals, selfless, trustworthy, genuinely nice, etc.

1. Most of them are all ready taken.

The good women I always seem to come across are always either already involved, married, or even engaged. It seems as though someone is always going to beat you to the punch. It’s like a horse race out there.

2. Most of them have been brainwashed by feminists.

They come with a lot of baggage. Sometimes they are too independent. It seems as though they basically waiting for you to mess up, and it sucks because these are the good women we as men are looking for. They make these horrible assumptions about you which in turn totally change your whole perception about her. I even heard feminists think a lot of men are evil. Oh well, on to the next one we go.

3. Most of them don’t even want a “good” man.

There are so many good women out there looking for the wrong things in a guy and maybe vice versa. But it seems as though women are not attracted to the things that make a “good” man a “good” man. Because of this, we get looked over and ignored making it even more difficult for us to get a good woman.

Women are, completely practical beings and wholly impractical in their dating habits, or should I say expectations? Women won’t date a guy who doesn’t bring anything to the table, and that’s practical, but what they expect their potential mates to bring to the table is completely impractical. You should read the list woman put up there.You can’t have a 6’3, muscled, monied, handsome, Godly, driven, talented, honest, faithful man because only like 3 of those dudes exist who embody all those characteristics, and they’re married. The ones who come close to that and are single don’t want you, they just wanna fuck you, because everyone wants them, so they don’t have to commit. I’m not saying expectations should be lowered, I’m saying the focus should change. And don’t date for potential without drive either, a guy might be the most talented schmuck in the world, but until he decides he wants to make something of his talents you’re wasting your time trying to build him into something he’ll choose not to be.

I’m off topic. Value. Value is placed incorrectly. A lot of beautiful women think because they are beautiful they shouldn’t be asked to bring anything else to the table. Like that makes them a good woman by default. Education and success – ditto. A lot of educated women think they automatically rank as ‘good’ women because their education makes them a catch. Oh, and how about the chick who wakes up and sucks her man’s dick every morning? ….. Okay, we like her, but providing a steady diet of bomb sex doesn’t automatically make you a catch either.

Above all, a good woman like a good man should be judged by their character. Nothing else. The sooner we all realize that the sooner we’ll all have

If you're anything like me, I'm sure you've either heard it, said it, read it or even (momentarily) believed it. Come on, everybody say it with me 'A Good Man Is Hard to Find'.

It has become the watch word of the single woman - explaining why they don't have a man,how they last man was bad and that there is little hope that they will ever find another (good) man. Of course, their reasoning goes, it must be that there is something wrong with all men. It couldn't possibly be me. After all, I am perfect (or close to it). I am intelligent, employed, in school, self-sufficient, spiritual, God-fearing, beautiful, affectionate, you-fill-in-the-blanks, and so on and so on. So, if I don't have (want, need, will never meet) a good man, it must be because there are no more good men. Right?

Wrong.

Let me say for the record, loud and clear, I DON'T BELIEVE IT. I DON'T BELIEVE THAT A GOOD MAN IS HARD TO FIND.

I know there are good men out there because I am one for them and I see them also at my job. ..in the grocery store. Alone. With their children. In business suits. Even here. Why don't I think most single women 'see' these good men? Simply because most of them don't fit their notion of what a good man should look like.

Sometimes you have to let that person grow on you, just like a song you hear for the first time, but you don’t really like it, but the more you hear it you begin singing and dancing to it after a while. I’m a very GOOD man and I know it. Many people have said so, but this is one area in my life that seems to be BLAH BLAH. Women are not like when grandma and my mom were years ago. These women think they are the men in the relationship and I’m too strong of a man to allow myself to be defined as less than a man in that capacity. A man has to be a man at all times no matter how much the woman makes.

The other reason I don't think a good man is hard to find is because most woman definition of 'good' is so darned skewed. They automatically equate it with what we see on the Hallmark or Lifetime cable channels - he will have all the right words, do all the right things, and know exactly how to meet our needs. He will be suave, and debonair and manly, yet sweet. Okay - let's all take a deep breath and just wake up

Not every man knows the right thing to say. Or the right thing to do. Or can tell you the location of the most trendy restaurant. What you want in a man is one who is sincere - one who says what he means, is consistent and faithful and is genuine in all that he says and does.

I swear sometimes I think women only want the bad boy, or wanna-be “thug” guy who has a criminal record, bad credit, emotional issues, or unable to maintain a job. It’s something about fixing a man up that intrigues them. Women want to feel like they were the ones responsible for helping him see the light, get back on his feet, and turn his life around. Despite the fact he got you into debt, ruined your credit, and he caused you to have several nervous breakdowns.

I mean really. Do you women really think it’s going to be lilies in the field, days at the park, and chilling at the beachfront all the time? Men like that only exists in the movies. Filmmakers and screenwriters create these characters as fantasy. But you think these characters are real and they start living in your head, as you are daydreaming about character sweeping you off your feet. Wake up and come back to earth.

If you keep looking for Mr. Do-Me-Bad-Boy, then you will miss out on a plethora of eligible men. He will show up right in front of your eyes but your blinders will prevent you from seeing what’s directly in front of you.

Some women have the gall to ask for love but are not willing to accept it when it shows up. In not being able to receive love when it shows up, you are telling GOD, “Thanks, but no thanks. I do deserve love, but I want it my way.” Listen up , love is knocking at your door. Open your eyes and heart.

It reminds me of Lauryn Hill’s album The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. During the interlude a few adults are asking the young students in the classroom about love. One of the students, a young women, amply replies “If you never been in love before, then you don’t what it’s like to be loved.”

If you close yourself off from the feeling of being in love then you are missing out on one of God’s greatest gifts.

Look at R&B singer, Beyonce, and rap artist, Jay-Z. Beyonce is one the most beautiful and admired women in the world. Talented, smart, and could probably have any man she wants. Yet, she found love and happiness with someone that many may feel is beneath her standards.

I am not one to judge anyone, nor tell anyone whom they should love, but people fall in love all the time with folks that many would never imagine they would. And I have had my share of women who were less than desirable. After a few talks, they become very attractive. When you come to your less than inebriated senses you can’t believe you are sleeping with her.

But many women are shallow. Think about the average looking-man This man loves the ground you walk on. He worships you and will do anything for you. But because he isn't the best looking guy you tuck him away in the dark closet like an old piece of clothing. Shame, shame, shame.

I remember this R&B song that recording artists Babyface and Pebbles recorded together in 1990 entitled, Love Makes Things Happen. This sing epitomizes the idea of how you never know who you will fall in love with. You have no control over love.

God has brought many men in your life. just like I am now. They have come and gone. Poof! Disappeared. Absent.

I am telling you that you no longer have to let love slip through your fingers and out of your life. Take notice of me and your will see that I am the one you need, someone who is caring, loving, focused, a hard-worker, family-oriented, and spiritually grounded.But you have to be open to receiving me



PART 4

 I am looking for a sort of like first-date-meets-arranged-marriage, I know this has a possibility of scaring people away and that is fine. I’ve never really dated. That’s not the way you find somebody. Anyway, I’m not trying to find somebody. I trust that if I’m meant to be in a relationship, that person will come into my life. The modern-marriage ideal of a finding the perfect, romantic partner isn't realistic in my opinion...if it really worked why is that 60% of all marriage end in divorce. Everyone is looking for chemistry. Many women go for guys  they're attracted to -- not necessarily compatible with. But it's  compatibility that keeps people together over time. When people fall in love, it is generally with a personality and when they get married they have to live with a character and the two may not be same

So the question is..can you falling in love with somebody you've never met'....but a better question is can a blind person fall in love? People believe that love is only legitimate if you’ve seen or been in the presence of the other person. However, they are mistaken..just watch the movies like- "You Got Mail", "Message In A Bottle", and "The Lake House". I am going to open myself more to you..if you are interested. I do have a blog...which has my thoughts..poetry....stories...etc. It is a private journal where I will share what's in my heart and soul for you to read. I will be opening myself whole holly to you.

If you are going to fall in love with me, it’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with. You are falling in love with my insecurities,You are falling in love with my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my Internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my hopes and dreams, and how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me. But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you, the way I’ll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You’re falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, is my soul.

Since we are meeting online, I won't know what to expect before I made my way to meet you. I suppose I should consider myself lucky that when you opened your door, you are as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside because, in all honesty, it will be already too late for me to change my mind. My heart would be in charge by then. And you will always know that when I placed the ring on your finger, it was for who you are is, not who you resembles like. So, if you re a woman who truly understands and accepts these words, and are sincere about wanting to relate and share with a man on all levels, then please write and tell me about yourself, including your passions, interests and life priorities.


  PART 5

“What scares me is that I’m going to ultimately find out that at the end of my life that I’m really not lovable, that I’m not worthy of being loved. That there’s something fundamentally wrong with me…and that I wasn’t wanted in the first place.” – Demi Moore


"There is no shame in my saying that we all want to be loved by someone. As I look back over my life in romance, I don't feel I've ever had that. I have been the only one that was unaware of the fraud in a few of these circumstances blindly. When you get divorced, all the truths that come out, you sit there and you go, What the fuck was I doing? What was I doing believing that this person was invested in this way? Which is a fantastically strong humiliation in the best sense. It can make somebody very bitter and very hard and closed off, but I find it does the opposite to me"  -Sean Penn

Both Sean Penn and Demi Moore both never felt "loved by someone" but it's not for a lack of beautiful people in their life. I only felt loved once and I have been searching for it ever since. I totally relate to their comments. But I also believe that people who believe they are unloved live through their ego more than being conscious that they are spirit. If you believe in ego...you will believe that you are rejected due to being imperfect. You perceives through the lens of fear, rather than love. To believe and feel that you are fundamentally flawed means that you are in rejection of your entire being. It happens when you question the whole value of your presence. You believe that nothing you ever do turns out right. It is likely that as a child, you are not seen for who you are. And so you developed the belief that you are never “good enough”.

“Non self-acceptance puts you in rejection. You believe that you are fundamentally flawed. You are convinced that there is something inherently wrong with or missing in you. You are painfully aware about not feeling whole. Self-rejection happens when you are unable to accept yourself fully and unconditionally. And so you seek to diminish your own value. You feel unworthy.”

LOVE LETTER" I WANTED TO BE NEAR YOU ALWAYS

I watch you avidly as you look into me, and I can see the words you want to speak so clearly within them. And I beg you silently, pleading for you not to say them. I think if you tell me that you love me once more, I might die. I've forced you to love me and I cannot take it back now that it's happened. I'm not sure I even would if I could. Am I selfish for wanting you to love me?

I shake my head as you open your mouth, your sensuous lips forming the worn words. I refuse to hear them. They are my undoing. I need to be clear-headed. I need no more distractions. I need to get my head on straight. Those words make me freeze. They set my word on fire, ruining the walls I've so carefully built between you and I. And I know that it is my fault that you have become this, that you have fallen in love with me. If only I hadn't pushed you so hard.

Your words make me weak.You have no idea just the amount of power you have over me.I cannot meet your eyes again. I know what they will say. I know the look that you are giving me now and I know what will happen if I see, if I meet those lonely eyes of your's. My heart is only too eager to make me want you, beating madly against the cage of my ribs. I wish that this had never occurred, perhaps that we had never met. You see, when you speak those words, the ones that bring me to my knees in defeat, it only makes me want you near me always,

I need you and you can never know just how much.

Please don't kiss me so sweet
it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
And please don't touch me like that
makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow
And please don't come so close
it just makes me want to make you near me always

You're coming closer to me now, even as I push you away. I try to be harsh and lie to you. I yell at you that I don't love you back, but my tears give me away. I can't possibly lie to you. How could I when I love you more than anything else in this world or outside of it. Your arms close in around me, your fingertips pressing into my flesh insistently. You know that I am trying to save you, but you don't want to be saved. You want to fall with me. You tell me so and your lips are getting closer.

Your mouth is on mine before I can stop you. There is nothing I can do when you kiss me like this. You only make me crave more kisses just the same as this one. Your tongue is quick to press between my lips and into the heated cavern of my open mouth. I wish you wouldn't make it so hard for me to not love you. All I can think of are your lips on mine. And I am breathing in your breath. I am living on your flesh.

Why can't you be mean to me? Maybe then, I could hate you. But you never can. You only know to be gentle with me, in case my flesh breaks beneath your touch. I wish I could crumble under your fingertips, under your lips, but it isn't so simple as that.

Somehow I have ended up completely nude and so have you. I'm not so sure when it all took place exactly, but I know what will ensue. I crush myself against you, rubbing and tempting you, our bodies slick with perspiration..

I can't stop you now, not that I could before.  The truth, if I'm being truthful, is that you can have me whenever and wherever you want. I can't deny you. I never could.  It's as if we've switched our places; you are me and I am you and you're always asking me and asking me and asking me. I have no answers for you. At least no new ones. Your hands have already pried all of my secrets from me. What more do you want? Do you want to consume me? I don't want you to understand me fully. I don't want to give you what little is left of me, for then I will be lost forever.

I've let you have so much of me already. I have nothing more to give and yet you still want more. And I'll fight you even though I merely want you to be near me for the rest of my life.

And when you look in my eyes
please know my heart is in your hands
It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms
you have complete power over me
So be gentle if you please, 'cause
And it makes me want to make you near me always


And our eyes meet and I want you to know that I love you too. I don't think I've ever said it, but I think you've always known. And it's not like I understand these emotions enough to explain why I am powerless when I am in you and why I am safest here. I don't even know how to tell you that you were always the one, that you would only ever be the one. There never could be anyone else. I am your's after all.


I want to speak, but nothing comes out when I try. My mouth is open, but my voice doesn't exist. You tell me not to try to talk to you. It's funny; I'm finally quiet when I have something important to say. You really need to hear it. I really need to say it, but I can't force it out. I want to shout that you have my heart and to hold onto it for me,

 I wanted to be near you, always...

I want to be near you always...

LOVE: THE GIRL AND THE MOON

Once upon a time, there was a girl who talked to the moon. And she was mysterious and she was perfect, in that way that girls who talk to moons are. In the house next door, there lived a boy. And the boy watched the girl grow more and more perfect, more and more beautiful with each passing year. He watched her watch the moon. And he began to wonder if the moon would help him unravel the mystery of the beautiful girl. So the boy looked into the sky. But he couldn't concentrate on the moon. He was too distracted by the stars. And it didn't matter how many songs or poems had already been written about them, because whenever he thought about the girl, the stars shone brighter. As if she were the one keeping them illuminated. One day, the boy had to move away. He couldn't bring the girl with him, so he brought the stars. When he'd look out his window at night, he would start with one. One star. And the boy would make a wish on it, and the wish would be her name. At the sound of her name, a second star would appear. And then he'd wish her name again, and the stars would double into four. And four became eight, and eight became sixteen, and so on, in the greatest mathematical equation the universe had ever seen. And by the time an hour had passed, the sky would be filled with so many stars that it would wake the neighbors. People wondered who'd turned on the floodlights. The boy did. By thinking about the girl

POETRY: FEEL THE BEATING OF YOUR HEART

Consider the beauty of the delicate rose,
And the thorns on the stem from which it grows.
Of the beauty of the flower, we are quite aware,
But the points of the thorns, we must beware.

In some ways this rose is like our lives,
And the thorns on the stem, sometimes cut like a knife.
The flower's soft petals, and their pleasant scent,
Are calming and soothing, just the way that God meant.

If things get tough, and we hurt deep inside,
It's like we were pierced, with a thorn in the side.
But when all is well, and we have a great day,
It's like walking a rose covered path all the way.

For a rose to flourish, it needs tender care,
And for us to feel loved, we need to know someone's there.
For a rose without care, will still be alive,
And though we don't feel loved, we will still survive.

The pathway of life, has many thorns,
And throughout our lives, we'll survive many storms.
We should be happy for thorns, that life grows,
For if there were no thorns, there would be no rose.


2

Walking slowly amidst the falling Autumn leaves,
I think of you in that strange land- so dry,
So stark and full of sand.

Softly I kiss the wind and send it your way
Hoping that the breeze will caress you lightly
And you will feel the presence of my love by the kiss in the wind.

Yes, you will feel my love by my kiss in the wind


3

t once was a funny thing
This business of love
Then it grew...

With her

No one was good enough
For such divinity
Not even myself
For I am natural,
Terrestrial,
Fallible

Mother always told me
"Marry above you"
Mom was always right
And I would concede
If only
I could reach so high

For an angel
No matter how close
Is an angel
And far
And unfit for the carnal, human touch

But to just look
To look,
To sense,
To love...

Would ever be enough

Yet somehow she does not know
That she is an angel
And she loves me
And it comforts my anguish in seeking
To know...

That heaven holds a place for me
In her heart



4

Imagine the thought...
Where would we go?
Where would it take us?

Would it exceed our timid minds?
Would it seek our expectations?

Imagine the fall, in which we both fell...
Did it warm your spirit?
Or strengthen the spell?

How is the taste of your sweet fruitful wine?
Mine is of purity, to the utmost, divine.

Now imagine our love and our perfection combined
It is genuine, what I feel, your love is my pride.

It is the term which I await
That builds this sensation,
But only with your soul and miraculous imagination!




5

Should I ever write a song, it would be about you
It would say how we met, just out of the blue
Of two lovely people, both with a broken heart
And the discovery of a true love that will never part.
How with just one look came a love so pure,
that left us both knowing this was meant to be for sure.

Should I ever write a book, it would be about you
Now that you came into my life, and showed me what to do
Of what true love is truly about
That leaves me so joyous, to the world I want to shout!
Every page would be filled with our lives that we share
How each and every day we would show
one another that we care.

Should I ever write a poem, it would be about you
So many words to say, yet it would only take a few
With such joy, a feeling of pure true love
We were surely blessed from up above,
To you I shall continue each and every day
Showing you my feelings that need no words to say.


6

I could see a reflection
of the full moon
from the river...
New York City's lights dim,
covered with water and fast asleep.
I thought I could look for
different horizons to follow...
But this time I think I am in too deep.

Night skies are for those
who love nature.
This beautiful earth
is for all of us to share.
I tried to look for the shadow
of your reflection, I tried to find you,
but you were not there.
The night and the stars are breathtaking.
Faraway I see a distant shore.

Yesterday, you told me
you liked the moon to touch the waters
on the river. We laughed thinking:
"We have so many things to say."
I did not know
you would have to leave in awe...
To go so soon, and so far away.
I blamed the moon
for not touching the river,
but you could not stay.

I thought, I have found an angel
to whom I can pray.
The depth of the waters
is pulling me closer...
Maybe I should run, but I'll stay.
Without you...
the moon and the stars are saddened...
and the bright evening sky
has now turned gray.


7

As motion gave permission
to unnerve my foolish feet
I stumbled towards your path
to discover; fate is kind

Journey stemmed from notions
that from dreams you would appear
to compass my direction,
your destiny through mine


8

As we stand close together
in a sweet embrace,
I feel as light as a feather
as I gaze at your beautiful face.

I look at your lips and you look at mine,
I wonder what is going through your mind.
I run my fingers through your soft hair,
what I feel I can't compare.

My heartbeat quickens and palms start to sweat,
I suddenly remember when we first met.
I look at the time, it was eight o'clock-
That was when our lips first locked.


9

Sometimes when you look at me, I wonder
If you see all the love that shines in my
Eyes only for you and I wonder if
You see in my smile the special touch
Of happiness that comes from loving you
When you look into my eyes

I feel you reaching deep within my soul
And I wonder if you see all the beautiful
Light in me that comes from your love.

I wonder if you see my arms reaching
Out to hold you with tenderness, warmth,
Fullness of my heart and the precious
Feelings our love brings, and sometimes
I want to tell you to look within
Your heart and you will see that
Everything I have to give is only
For you, for always.


10


I want to get close to you
And feel the warmth of your breath
And feel the beating of your heart
As I hold you tightly against my chest

I want to get close to you
And feel the tenderness of your embrace
And feel the beating of your heart
As I softly touch your lovely face

I want to get close to you
And feel the softness of your kiss
And feel the beating of your heart
As I taste the sweetness of heavenly bliss

I want to get close to you
And feel your body against mine
And feel the beating of your heart
As I love you and we gently entwine

I want to get close to you...
...feel the beating of your heart



11

i watched as she slept
somehow she sensed it
extending an arm out to cross
the vastness to my chest
hand landing on heart
seemingly trying to grasp hold
of something invisible

having a warm body by your side
may feel like comfort food,
may feel like security,
may feel like love
or is it ~ does it feel?

i watch as her eyes open
waking from her dream world
wondering what she is thinking
or feeling, as she looks at me
expressionless

she somehow sensed it,
a smile appears as
her hand moves to caress
forehead to lips
retracing lines of a face,
her dream, or her reality?

she is like a rose in bloom
awakening from it's sleep
seeing the bud but not truly knowing
what lies inside

though you know she is beautiful
somehow you sensed it-
petals slowly opening
anxiously awaiting the moment
when all is shown to you

but does the flower ever really know
who she shows herself to?
who appreciates her beauty?
who loves her?

i extend a hand out and cross
the vastness to her face
seemingly trying to grasp hold
of something invisible
but I am awake
and she is still
a flower in bloom...



12

As I sit missing you,
Wanting you,
My senses begin to wander.
All of a sudden I can smell
Your aromatic scent.
I look around, you are not there.
With every figure that walks by,
They all remind me of you.
I blink twice to see
that you are not there.
The next thing I know,
I hear your voice.
The beautiful music of
Your caressing vocalization
Soothes my soul.
I stop for a second,
Only to realize
that heavenly sound has gone.
In that second,
Not only do I realize
You may not be there,
But the senses I am feeling
Are not fooling me.
I do not smell you,
I do not see you,
I do not hear you,
I am smelling, seeing, and hearing
Love.


13

My precious heart you can?t deny
Abundantly supplied day and night
Deep within I always see you there
Closer to me than ever before

My tank was empty and you filled it up
My gas finished, you gave your reserve
With me you vowed to reach the Promised Land
A land of love flowing with abundant romance

With you I know we can survive
Through the millenium, safe and sound
Without you I would be paralyzed
Lost and lonely, and buried alive

How long do you think you can drive?
A journey to the center of my heart
How much can you pay for my love?
What today I freely give to you

JOURNAL: ABOUT THIS SUMMER

As I lay on my bed, the beep of the alarm wakes me up from the sleep that never was. The elusive sleep. Something from within me pushes me to put my thoughts in words. Words. I was just thinking how some words just get to you. Especially, sometimes, some words from your mother tongue will rustle your soul in such myriad ways. The past one year has been a testing time for me. It has tested me on a lot of different aspects. But I have learnt a lot of valuable lessons as well. I wish those lessons never have to be put to use again but I really doubt that. Everybody in this world commits mistakes. Our mistakes remind us of our frail humanity. There are some mistakes that one can rectify while there are other instances when one cannot go back and fix things despite how much one wants to. I am no different To squeeze the last drops of juice out of the "war" metaphor, let me say that I am trapped deep in the enemy territory of singlehood, waiting for a rescue. I can't say for sure that singlehood is entirely a hostile thing but I think I am bored of it. Blogging is supposed to work like an emotional cathartic. At least, I have always felt like that. But I had no idea that blogging will also save me money that I would have otherwise spent on a shrink. Thanks to this blog, I have had the pleasure of my personality dissected inside out by amateur and wannabe Freuds. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the expenditure of mental energies on me. It is always a good idea to learn about myself from others. You could say that that might be one of the reasons I write a blog and present myself for such analysis. But also remember, what you might think you see in me may partly be your own reflection. A process that psychiatrisits describe as "Projection". Anywho. Thanks for all your comments. I could not help make this observation though. Inherent in most arguments is the admission that turbans are indeed considered by women to be a negative accesory. My row is against that matter and that matter alone. Rest is coincidental. First of all, I must make it clear that I value my privacy a lot. I had never wanted to reveal what I do for a living as it is immaterial.. I have been divorce for one year now. I am back to my domain of singlehood. Feels just like home, but there is a bad taste in my mouth but that is fading away slowly. I have realized that it is all the more difficult for me because I am held a prisoner by my dreams. Dreams of finding someone to love and who will love me back. Someone who will be like a Pulsar radiating love to me and not someone like a Blackhole who will absorb all the love I send her without an atom of affection coming back. Dreams of walking on the curvy path down the valley of years, holding each other's hands. Dreams of blue skies, blue oceans, white beaches, green eyes and ruddy cheeks that become even more red when I kiss her. And above all, dreams of making babies and dreams of her taking care of the babies and cooking food for me and cleaning the house and ironing my clothes. Ok. maybe not the last one. But yeah, dreams of this and dreams of that. All of us dream of different things when we are young. Some of us believe in those dreams and shed the sweat of their brow and the blood of their hearts to chase those dreams. At the same time, I think one can do a lot of service to oneself if one does not allow oneself to be held a prisoner by those dreams. Chasing dreams is all fine and dandy but to make it a matter of life or death is in nobody's interest. When I am at work, I am so preoccupied with things that I hardly have time to feel anything. The real problem starts when I get back home. Wouldn't it be nice if I were to come home, tired and flagged and there were a sweet little angel welcoming me back home with a smile that could send sunshine in the depths of the underworld?. Wouldn't it be nice if she were to put her arms around me and tell me that she was proud of me? And of course, wouldn't it be nice if she had something all ready on the dinning table for us to enjoy a romantic dinner? Fool's paradise, you might say. But that is what keeps me going. I know that my story is kind of stale and boring now. Heck, I am tired of thinking about it myself. But the problem is that there is this vacuum around me that I am sick and tired of. At times, there is this incredble urge that rises up inside of me to hold somebody's hand or to hug somebody. Especially, at times when I think of not so old times when I could actually do that. I am trying to put this emotional fortress around me so that things and thoughts like these don't bother me. I know I will suceed coz there is just no other way around it. During the summer I met this girl and she trick me into believing she wanted me.She gave me a lot. I felt rejected after my wife left me. She was an answer to my prayers. I don't know how true or untrue her affections were but she touched my life in more ways than she could imagine. We talked almost every night before we met. I knew she wasn't ready for a relationship. I felt she was too strong ...had too many wall, was commitment phobic and wouldn't be able to keep most of her promise she made to me. But she kept contacting me...kept pushing....like she really wanted me and eventually I believe it. I decided to met her. Since we talk on the phone for so long...I felt like we had some sort of relationship before hand. We were only together for two weeks in person..i went to her place and she went to mine. I remember our first meeting and when I got home...I couldn't wait to see her again. Each second of this wait feels like the fangs of a monster immersed deeply into my heart and I can feel them sinking deeper and deeper with each tic of the clock. A few weeks ago, I had never dreamt anything like this would ever happen to me. I am a grown-up man (or so they say). I am supposed to exercise sufficient restraint over my emotions so that I could appear to be in control. But somehow, I find that a harder and harder proposition. I just can't stop her images from invading every crevice of my cerebral repository. Her smile, the sight of her hair, her whispers and the feel of her lips in mine. Good God!. Have mercy on thy servant. I know,I know. I have heard of infatuation and passing fantasies. But clearly, my illiterate heart has not heard of these scholarly terms. That poor thing can't tell the difference between what is transient and what is supposed to last longer. Ordinarily, affection and love derive their strength from long term familiarity between people. Over time, people become acquainted with each other's innards ( or so they think) and then one fine day, they fall in love. The initial physical attraction withers away and out emerges from the cocoon, the monarch butterfly people call "love". I am all too familiar with those concepts and I do believe that they must be true. However, my parched mind does not respect those delineations. Maybe it will cool down after a while. Maybe I will become saner and grow out of it and then will have the smoother more pacified color of "love" over my heart instead of the cacophony of colors that it currently has. Maybe so but right now I am loving the chaos.But truly, I have never felt this way about anybody else. I don't know what norms or what protocols of behavior I am supposed to follow. Even if I knew them, I would have turned a blind eye to them. I am sleepless in Long Island and I am loving it. She stayed for weekend at my place.. And then, it was time for her to leave. As a gentleman that I am, I took her to the train station.. I wanted to hold her hand and beg her to stay. I tried to read her mind by looking at her face. But her face did not betray any of her emotions. Nor did those eyes. She started to get out of the car and walk toward the train. I sat at my car watching her walk away. Every step that she took, I prayed that she would stop. I prayed that she would at least turn around and exchange a final look, the look that would tell me some sort of indication that she still felt anything for me. The look, by which I would be able to spend the rest of my life with. But she didn't. She kept walking (some would say, briskly) and kept walking. And then went to the train and out of my sight and I am afraid, out of my life. The passage was brightly lit with pretty lights, the air was still and musty and I stood there wondering how things could change so fast. No answers came to mind. . And when I got home and drag myself in, I noticed something on the floor. I bent down to take a closer look. It seemed familiar. "I'll be damned", I told myself. It was my darn heart. God bless my soul. The poor bugger was badly mangled but it was still beating. The rascal just won't quit. She had very skillfully dropped it on the ground as she was leaving, severing the final ties and sealing the deal. I picked it up and put in the refrigerator where it would lay healing, only for the next angel to come and break it. She told me a few days after spending the weekend with me that she wasn't able to give me what i wanted. An escape hack so she didn't have to feel gulity. She later told me that if she stayed with me ...she would be settling. I thought that was funny because when I compared my life with her...I was the one who would be settling not her. She then spend the rest of the summer with a guy who didn't want her but for one thing. Oh yes..i forget mention..this guy worked in wall street and had a lot of money. But whatever..the memories of those weekend will forever be safe in a corner of my left atrial appendage. Every now and then, my heart will fibrillate and small emboli of those memories will travel from my heart to my brain sending shivers down my mortal body and causing intense pain. But that is my fate. I would cook, I ran and I did some other things. But most importantly, I dug out a grave. A grave for my dreams and some fascinating memories. O boy! I had thought that having been through almost two break-ups before, one from my ex wife and this one would be a little easier on me. But it feels the same. It feels like someone just slapped two electrodes on my scalp, thrust a piece of cloth in my mouth so that I couldn't scream and pushed the lever down making 1000 volts of electricity run through me. Sure, I didn't scream and there was no surface damage but somewhere deep inside my heart, a lot of fragile emotions and feelings melted and died a painful death. It hurts too much. I hope the balm of time starts working quickly. I wish I could take a strong laxative and purge myself of all the crap I had loaded unto myself. Sometimes I think I should call her. But I know that it is a lost cause. I think it is best to do what I have always done. Work and pray. I know I will climb out of the hole. Hopefully, it is sooner rather than later. The epitaph shall read this:"Here in rest the memories of the months of my life. Memories that were God's gift to him for good deeds done in a past life. Times will change and I will grow old. But the thought of these memories will continue to give him a gleam in his eye and a smile on his wrink Years ago when I was a young boy, I had the dubious distinction of accompanying my mom to the food market. I remember how she would do this elaborate routine of choosing the best of the apples and oranges. She would pick the best looking orange up, turn it all around inspecting its contours in 3D. She would smell it and sometimes she would put it back with a frown on her face while at other times she would happily put it in her basket. The whole process intrigued me. Back home, nine times out of ten, she would be right. The apples and oranges she picked up would be really juicy and ripe. But then there would be that one bad apple that escaped her experienced eyes and would end up in the trash bin. Finding a person to love you, is kind of similar to the process of buying fruits and vegetables. Most of the times, you have to decide if the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is a bad apple or good. Unlike fruits, you cannot turn her all around or smell her. That would be weird. But if you are smart, you may ask her her a few soul-searching questions and hope that she would answer them honestly. Even so, there is so much you can do . But like fruits and vegetables, nine times out of ten, you would be right. The person that you end up marrying would not be a nagging obsessive pyscho but really a cute little princess who would stroll around in the garden of your heart. However, there would be that one time when the whole marriage would be one big rotten apple with worms crawling out and gross stuff like that. So, generally the odds are in your favor. The question is: are you happy with those odds because if you are wrong, it is not the damn apple who is going to the trash bin, it is you and your life. To borrow a term from economics, I am a risk-averse individual. Especially when the stakes are as high as my life. On the other hand, the other route is not that rosy either. Because the first few months, people just can't help but pretend to be somebody that they are not. They are at their best behavior, they put on their best clothes and lazy suckers like me clean up their apartment or walk other people's dogs with a broad grin on their face. You know how it is. It is the natural way of things. It is only with time, that the initial euphoria dies and the true you comes in the forefront. And then when you really really know the other person, you can decide whether he or she is the one who you want to share your life, in sickness and health, in poverty and opulence and other sweet stuff like that. To sum up, in this method, you could literally touch, smell, even Xray the goddamn oranges and apples before you decide which ones you wanna take home to mama. You can still go wrong but then you don't have your parents you can put the blame on because the decision was yours and yours alone. Anyways, my ramblings on love and ladies go on. The other day somebody wrote that we should strive to be better humans rather than focusing on disparaging others. I agree with that completely. Gandhi wrote: "You must be the change you want to see in this world." It is true that when you are an accomplished individual, you will invariably get the admiration and affection (of ladies) that you seek. The ladies will flock to a bigger better you. I have heard that story for about three years now. And it is my sad duty to report that it is not always true. Life is not as rigidly governed by the laws of physics as the pendulum in the Science lab. Dating is a tough cookie. Dating does involve a fair degree of emotional investment and when somebody is reckless like me, that investment is actually substantial. No doubt one could recover from it. But I don't know if I have the stomach for this ride. One day you are at the top of the world and the next moment you can taste the sand in your mouth. It would be nice if people could express their feelings upfront. But usually they save all the bile for the last minute and then it is not as much fun. So, I am reconsidering my decisions. Each one of us is a unique aberration of the time-space continuum. I am no exception to this rule. Who I am is a confluence of the multitude of influences of my genes and my experiences. It might be hard to believe but I am not desperate for women. I am just desperate to take the next step in my life. I am also impatient by nature and do not like to wait. In my younger years, I was often told: Son, study hard and make a life for yourself. Other things can wait. Well, I did exactly that. I deprived myself of worldly pleasures so that I could carve out a life for myself. At this point in my life, I need to focus on the other things. But surprise, surprise. The other things don't come easily either. It is a whole goddamn saga in itself. Hence, the so called desperation. The sky was overcast with splashes of grey and black. After the drizzle in the morning, there was the aroma of wet earth in the air. The scent of native earth that fills my nostrils and evokes strong memories of back home. I tried to look outside the window but it was dark outside and all I could see in the window was a reflection of myself. My eyes met the eyes of my reflection and incited a million thoughts in my mind. Introspection inside out. It is amazing how our priorities change with time. There was a time where all I wanted was to complete my education and establish a career. There was a time where all other things did not influence me. There was also a time when I was deeply immersed in spiritual pursuits. Most of my time was occupied by reflection and comprehension of the world around us. Trying to make sense of who I was. God, family, friends and career have been my priorities throughout. But now, more and more of my time is being spent in something I never thought would be so hard. Some of my friend suggest that perhaps it is best for me to quit my quest and let God,take control of my affairs. Well, as far as I am concerned, He was in charge every second of the way. I am not going to lie that tiny molecules of bitterness have started to deposit themselves over my psyche. It is not that I am dying to get married or something. It is just that this process has been so inefficient and so tedious that it has started to get boring and prosaic. I wish marriage was like an exam. One could study for it, work hard and had a good chance of doing well. Unfortunately, this is so random, so arbitrary and has a million different variables that are almost impossible to predict. I have often thought about who I would like as my wife. I have been questioned about this several times as well. All the folks who are helping me in my quest have all asked me about this. But to tell you the truth, I am not sure I can give a precise description of the woman that I think will rock my world. After reading Percy Shelley,Keats et al, my vision of my woman is all a mist. As a person, I conceptualize better in abstract terms. I think about God in abstract ways. A lot of times, we think about our partners based on their resumes. People want to marry a doctor or an engineer or whatever. There is logic behind it and I understand it. Maybe I would prefer somebody from my own field as well. If I think in conventional terms, I would think I would be attracted to someone intelligent, professionally qualified and someone who has ambition and some dreams to crystallize. Somebody told me that we seek our own image in our partners. I concur with that thought. I am an intense person myself and I think I like people with passion. It is when I think about the personal attributes of my princess that it becomes vague. I like it when I smell love on sniffing the air after entering my home. I like it when there is a gentle breeze of romance flowing through the relationship. Some people believe that couples shouldn't have to express their love all the time. I don't share their belief. I like communication and giving free rein to once's feelings. I don't like it when people have to suppress their emotions because they are afraid of what others will think about it. I am not saying that one should roam naked in one's house but one should be able to vent out one's feelings on a regular basis. I love it when people do small things to make the other person feel special. At the same time, a random kiss on the go, breakfast in bed blah blah should be allowed. Some cynics have told me that after two years into a marriage, I will be too jaded to provide or expect such tokens of love. That is a distinct possibility and something that sends shivers down my spine. The last thing I would want is a lifeless killjoy marriage where people are together for the sake of maintaing the semblance of marriage that once was. Maybe I will grow old and my thoughts will change but right now, the thought scares me. Sometimes I think that part of the reason it has been tough is because I don't know who I want. At least that is what my parents tell me. Every two weeks, they call me to tell me that they think they have found the "one". And then something or the other just doesn't gel and it all falls apart. My friends accuse me of being too picky. I don't think I am. I just want to be sure that I am going to make the right decision. I don't want to say to myself two months into a marriage:" A what were you thinking?' I admit I have only vague ideas of who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe it doesn't have to be a hard thing. Maybe I can just marry the next person that I meet (provided she agrees). If I were to use my brains, The problem is that it is my heart and not my brain in the driver's seat. Sometimes I think I am behaving like a pubescent teen If only I could see her face in my dreams. I arise from dreams of thee In the first sweet sleep of night, When the winds are breathing low, And the stars are shining bright; I arise from dreams of thee, And a spirit in my feet Hath led me - who knows how? To thy chamber-window, sweet! The Sun will rise in the east again, my alarm clock will pour molten lead into my ears again and I will run off to work again trying to be on time but will probably be late again. I will meet people. I will smile with them. I will hear their stories of how they will be going out with their significant others blah blah blah. I will go out with my single dude friends as well and we will all bitch and moan and laugh it all away. We will find excuses and curse the fairer half of humanity in a feeble attempt to condone our own frailties. And then we will pretend to forget everything over a cup of coffee. Silently inside, a crack will persist in my heart. I will try to put a band-aid on it but I am afraid it will develop into a pus draining sore. Nasty but true and painful. I know I seem to whine a lot. People think I am trying to put the blame on others ...subconsciously that might be true. Consciously, however I am just narrating what I have experienced. It would be so nice if I were to fall in love with somebody and she were to reciprocate that and we were to get married. I have tried to make that happen but call it luck or whatever but that has not happened. It is not easy to meet single women You find out, sometimes to your dismay, how many preconceptions and prequalifications one has to satisfy before one becomes "eligible". It was my day off today. I languished in bed till late morning. With great effort, I dragged myself out of my bed and made myself some coffee. As I stood in the kitchen sipping my cup of lukewarm coffee and listening to the wind rustle my wind-chimes, it hit me. Shit, I told myself. Last year I had promised myself that this year would be my lmarried It would be the last year when I would utter profanities on seeing a couple walk hand in hand oblivious to the world around them. Of course, the profanities being directed at myself rather than at the couple. That goes without saying. I live in a country where overt expression of affection is the rule rather than exception. it is kind of hard to be surrounded by this sea of love, if all you have is yourself and an imaginative mind. If only I were dumb enough not to be affected by things around me. Anyways, sometimes I think Cupid has been unfair to me. I have been the object of his target practice for too long. I wish he were kind enough to turn his bow towards a femme fatale ,shoot an arrow with my name written on it and make me happy. It is funny how sometimes there is just one unique word which alone can capture your emotions. For example, what I feel these days, words like loneliness, solitude etc fail to express it fully. I am lucky to have a rather wide circle of friends. I work almost 60 hrs a week and there is a lot of interactions with colleagues and people in general. My life is hectic and there is litlle time to feel anything. And then I also like to go out. There are parties, get togthers, conferences and what not. People and more people. I talk to people, I dance with people and I listen or sometimes pretend to listen. There are female friends too who are mostly married, or going steady or too good for me. It is all fun. I believe it was Francis Bacon who wrote:"The bigger the crowd, the lonelier you are". Only now I realized how right he was. I then get back home and then it hits me. There she is ,the bitch. i.(Forgive my French, but again Profanity alone can do full justice to my emotions). I move around and she follows me.I try to study but as I am flipping through the pages of my books, I hear her giggle. She taunts me with images of the mystery girl. Fleeting images of a pearly ankle, of a killer smile and of a nervous kiss. She drives me crazy and then I flip open my laptop and start writing. Later, as I try to sleep and battle against insomnia, right then ,in the twilight zone before sleep, my princess comes back again and whispers sweet nothings in my ear. I struggle to see her but all efforts are futile. I give up and bitch pushes me into La-La land. The other time I see her is when I am in the kitchen. I can't and choose not to cook. As I am ransacking the refrigerator trying to put togther a joke of a meal, I see her standing near the kitchen counter munching a succulent piece of chicken tikka masala. I curse her and as I am trying to crush the cold hard piece of bread, the third eye of my mind wanders off and I see my princess. There she is, standing in the kitchen. Cooking for me. I come from behind and embrace her. I try to kiss her but she stuffs a piece of food in my mouth. Not bad, I say and then she vanishes away. BTW, I am not the kind of man who thinks that women's place is the kitchen. It is just my hungry stomach playing tricks on my nutty mind. I have considered the possibility that I might be going crazy. I have even considered self medicating myself with Prozac. But my friends tell me I am not crazy. They tell me I am not a pervert either. . I hope my ghost bitch leaves me soon and my princess walks into my life. The object of my mission is perhaps getting lost, which is, if I may remind you, my wife. You guys can fight out among yourself but please be cognizant of the fact that I am still sleeping with my mistress (aka loneliness) and I am sick of her. I need to move on. Like the surface of the moon, my heart also has a lot of craters.It seems that the current part of my journey is through a desert. A big dry sea of sand in which I am trudging, carrying the corpse of my dreams. Every now and then, I get taunted with sights of a distant oasis with fresh water and good food but so far it has always turned out to be a dastardly mirage. I have always considered myself a very spiritual person but I am not an orthodox person. I attempt to understand and respect mine as well as other religions and love God. I do not think God wanted me to be celebate all my life. If I choose not to hide behind a facade of hypocrisy, that does not make me a sinner or anyless religious than the next guy. I am not a promiscous individual. I do not believe in sleeping around or using women to my advantage. And trust me, that requires a lot of discipline to curb the temptations. My parents are impatient for their daughter-in-law and I am only trying to find them one. If in the process I also try to have a clean, good time, I do not think I deserve to go to hell. It amazes me that writing a blog or calling a spade a spade( or a fox a fox) would lead people to believe that I am bereft of any spiritual depth. Gimme that much credit, please.

THOUGHTS: ABOUT MARRIAGE

Do you remember when you were a child and you dreamed about what you wanted to be when you grew up? When you dreamed about getting marry and having a family? Do you remember how your dreams used to look like? Is your life now the way you dreamed it? I bet is not and I also bet most of the answers to those questions were also no. I bet that not even you are the same way that you dreamed you were going to be at this moment of your life or the same way you were when you were having all those dreams. The main reason for that is that everything changes and we all change. We change from the moment we born until the moment we are destined to go. And with that process comes the knowing and accepting that we never stop knowing everything about ourselves. In that same way, we never stop knowing everything about anyone around us, even about that significant other that lay next to us every night. Still, that is exactly what makes life the amazing journey that it is. A journey that is full of characters but that it is special and unique for every one of them. Marriage is part of that journey that is life. Marriage is what makes that journey fuller of life and adventure. It takes us to our maximum point of evolution in where wisdom, patience and courage help us to become our best us. With my fail marriage...this is what I learned...that in order to make that journey one that we could enjoy we must remember that marriage is not about stop being yourself to be some else’s self. It is not a job or a mandate. It is a journey that begins with all that it is being you and that is about being you every day of your life. Marriage is to make that same journey but with the acceptance that those we chose to be at our side as part of our life are the way they are because they just are and cannot be what we want or how we want. We must love and accept people as they are and for what they are, not for what they have or can have or for who they can become. Marriage is about accepting and understanding changes; accepting that the person next to you will change and will become a lot of different persons in the future but understanding that the essence of it will always be the same and therefore is perfect. Marriage is being able of saying something nice to that other person every moment of every day for the rest your days, not because you have to or even want to but because you cannot avoid it. Marriage is being able to love everything that you hate in that other person because that was exactly what stole your mind and heart away. There are no roles in a marriage, there cannot be. Roles are for institutions where rules and ordinances maintain the order because there cannot be real and disinterested trust. Marriage is an agreement between and within two souls. It is an agreement for them to be able to be together in this life, with each other, no matter what. Souls don’t hold degrees and are not professionals, are just souls and like any other ente it needs to be fed. And there is no better food for the soul than giving and receiving nice words from those and for those you love and love you. It is an inexpensive gift that can be unique, special and can make a moment to last forever.

LOVE: THE PERFECT MATCH

If none of us are perfect, and none of us are, forget ever finding the perfect match. Forget ever locating that girl or guy who answers your every need before you have it, sports the perfect body; has just the right emotional responses. Forget any possibility other then getting someone off-the-rack with no alterations and if you want to make those alterations then buckle-in for the long ride of creating bad feelings at every turn and in the end maybe getting the perfect match, or what you think is perfect, that you will no longer want. The best thing about who we are, is that we are flawed, silly, noisy, smelly, often times insulting, sometimes beautiful but always so human human beings. We are not perfect nor can we ever be and we can as much not expect our partner to be as much as we can’t expect the match we make with them to be. All we can hope for is to get close enough, that the compromises do not whittle us down to the point where we lose our imperfect self and that we might have some good times with our match in the end. That’s the perfect match.

THOUGHTS: THE STORY OF A

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived a boy called A. A was a dreamer, lost in reverie about one thing or the other. With God in his heart, A embarked upon a journey to find the philosopher's stone that will turn his dreams into reality. On the way, he saw a few sirens. He walked upto them and carved his heart out of his bosom and presented it to them. But to no avail. He was snobbed away and A became bitter and bitter. In his anguish, he let out a howl steeped in yearning and pining. And then something happened. The desert suddenly changed into a land of purple flowers. A looked around and from yonder, he saw an angel walking towards him. A was surprised. He wondered if this was another siren. She came close and A was mesmerized. A could not believe what was happening to him. Unknown to him, years of struggle and solitude had erected walls around his soul. The endothelium of his heart had undergone metaplasia to a thick layer of squamous cells, all in an effort to lessen the hurt that he had become so used to. And now, when she was right there, he was bemused. He saw her dance under flickering lights. Sheer magic, he quipped to himself. Her sinewy movements were like the motion of a poet's pen on paper composing poetry. He held her hand. He whispered words into her ears. She squeezed his hand in silent acknowledgement but never said anything back. Trivial gestures that would probably escape the eye but which were drilling holes into the cuticle around his heart. Wild emotions raged through his heart much like the charioteers of Rome. His heart was under assault from both within and outside. He struggled to keep it all hidden away lest he should appear too vulnerable. All futile attempts because he is such a miserable actor. She quizzed him:"Why are you so quiet today?". To which he had no good answer for he had the vaguest idea himself. But his situation was kind of like the mountain climber who had scaled a 14,000 feet peak. He wants to scream in joy yet the low oxygen concentration in the thin mountain air prevents him from expanding his lungs. Turmoil within but no way to vent it out. He tries to let it all out but he just can't. Helplessness at its glorious best. A worries about his future. He had been a perfect loner. Will he be a perfect partner as well?. Carpe diem, he tells himself. "Live in the present, boy" and "For God's sake, stop thinking", he keeps telling himself. He promises to try to do it. All he knows is that God is with him and there is nothing else he shall want. I am afraid I just have too much growing up to do. I wish Life were simpler.

LOVE: THE ONE

Some people tell it like you just finally find "the one." And some people say it's just work, you pick someone and they pick you and with a little work and a little luck, it works out. Some people say, "I wasn't ready till now, I had to grow," and some people say, "I was waiting for you my whole life." Romantic love contains within it the idea of knowing, and thus, for some of us, requires a leap of faith. I think you change, and keep changing, all the time. And if you find "the one", it must be that you've changed in some way that has made that possible. You've found someone with whom that particular part of you emerges, the part of you that can imagine one person, forever. Can you remember all the other people you used to be?