LOVE: WHY YOU ARE ALONE AND CAN'T FIND THE ONE.

About 90% of you who read this won't respond. The 10% who do respond, I would say about 9% are curious seeker..meaning they think they understand what I have written and want the same thing. From my experience they are lying to themselves and me. It funny, because most of the time...they tell me how someone they were with didn't keep their word, or their partner was a workaholic, or the partner wasn't loving enough ...you get the point. And I would tell them that relationship are mirror images of who you are. When I get to talk to them...I realized what they complain about so much about their past partner is exactly what they lack in themselves. So why would I want to met them?

I am looking for that 1% who gets me. Someone who still believe in love...and has child like trust ...who when they read my words, totally understands me and know where I am coming from. A woman who live and breathe words. ....It would be like my words make them feel that perhaps they was not completely alone. They could be honest with me, and I with them. By reading my words, what I wrote, they might be able to see the world as I see it, its colors and textures and sounds, they would feel-- what I felt the way I think, hoped, feel and dream. She would dream what I dream, want what I wanted--and then I realized that truly I just want to be with me. That I am their soul mate that they have been seeking all their life..

And to this one person..i can only say this to you: "I can offer you my life, I can offer you my heart, though I have no idea how many more beats it shall sustain. But I love you enough to hope that you will not care that I am being selfish in trying to make the rest of my life - whatever length - happy, by spending it with you. I want to be married to you, I want it more than I have ever wanted anything else in my life." "That is,if you love me, too.”

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If you are a beautiful woman, single and looking for love, I think I know your story. It goes something like this:

You’ve been single longer than planned. The men you meet – when you actually get to meet someone – are boring, oafs or just plain wrong. You never feel that spark, and you need that spark. You have created a great life for yourself and you’re a good catch. Your friends and family tell you that you’re too picky, but you absolutely will not settle. If Mr. Love You comes along, that will be great, but if he doesn’t you figure you’ll be just fine without him. Am I not right?

But my question is this.....why are you lying to yourself Huh? I know most smart, independent woman…sometime feel lonely, wishing for the deep, real, comforting love and affection of a man. . But you are not okay if he doesn't come along. You want to share your life with a man. You wanted it so much that I you are on this site, but you have to realize that it's you that is creating your dismal results.I hear this from women all the time. I’m tired of meeting losers. All the good ones are gay or taken. All the men I meet are bald, boring, messy, sex-crazed, they are too this, not enough that. And the most common: I just don’t feel a spark with any men I’m meeting.It's all bullshit to me.

Think about this..ok....if you are a half decent looking woman, you get hit upon all the time...even online. Do a search right now on ..on finding a guy who is taller than 5’7″, college educated, non-smoking, occasional drinker, making $75,000+. The search result will give you at least 3,000 guys in a 25 mile radius. If you are dismissing all these guy..its most often about self-protection. I mean, come on.... after all, if every man you meet is unworthy then there is no risk you’ll actually start dating or get in a relationship! Yep, that’s a surefire way to avoid ever being hurt or rejected.

Most of you probably have a list of what you want in a man. It may not be on paper…but you have one. It usually includes things like:honest, funny, good looking and financially stable. Well I got them all. Being a good date and being a good life partner can be very, very different. Many of us, me included, tend to pick based on whether she’s a good date. That has nothing to do with whether she’ll be a good wife. I learn that the hard way with my divorce. I know…you deserve to be picky, right? But picky isn’t a good thing and doesn’t tend to serve us well. There is a distinction between being picky and being discriminating. I was picky when I eliminate someone because of she was thin or not.. I am discriminating when I eliminate someone because she lives in another state.

A lot of woman have tall as must-have. But why? Why do you want him to be tall? How does it make you feel when you’re with a tall guy? Do you feel attractive? Feminine? Safe? Come on.....Now I ask: Is that the only quality a man can have that makes you feel that way? What if he was like me...of incredibly strong character, confident, treats you like gold, is always interested in making you happy, finds you incredibly beautiful and sexy…would he also have to be tall? Does anything I say has open your mind at all? And here’s an important note: there really is no such thing as perfect, ladies. If I had gotten my fantasy,my idea woman would be blond, blue eyes, slim, educated, great family, rich and makes love like a porno star. But I live in the real world. Most woman are broken, not college educated, not slim, don't have any assets to list...ect... but I don't let my fantasy rule me. It like the quote John Cusack said in the movie High Fidelity: "I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments" I don't want to committed to nothingness, I want to commit to a real human being who isn't perfect.

What “shoulds” are getting in your way of finding the man who will adore you for the rest of your life? What do you believe to be true that is holding you back? I am not telling you that you aren't t deserving of being selective. Like you should just grab the next guy who would have you. I am not telling you start accepting less, sticking around too long and putting up with way too much. You shouldn't accepted disrespect and lack of integrity. If he doesn't treat you as if you are special ..then leave.. You just don’t have to accept bad behavior. You should be Ms. Picky with the “big” stuff. A big thing for me is someone who walks her talk. Anyone can talk big. While anyone can make a mistake or fall short of perfect behavior, someone who repeatedly is rude, inconsiderate and inconsistent...is out of my life

Listen..if you’re still looking for Mr. Right, chances are that the man you want doesn’t exist Let’s start with “looking for Mr. Perfect.”. Don’t get me wrong, it’s important to be clear on what you want in a partner. But reality should play some part of this if you truly want to find a partner. (As opposed to just bullshitting yourself.) If the man you are waiting for must have flat abs, is over 6 foot, makes you laugh, loves to cook, has an executive job, likes to travel, loves your Mother and your cat…you will probably need help. This guy represents an infinitesimal percentage of the population of the world. Add in that you also want him to be mature, stable and grounded… Look for him all you want but this guy just doesn’t exist. Get rid of that vision you’ve carried around since you were 18 or 20 or even 35. Time to revisit and replace your story of a “perfect man” with a grownup version that actually exists and will satisfy you as a grownup woman.

And then there woman who in their profile say they want a long term relationship... want to get married....blah blah blah...but in reality they are looking for a hot guy; not a husband. If you’re still going after hotness and charisma above all, if you’re running for the hills when you don’t have that instant chemistry, I have one thing to say (a la Dr. Phil): How’s that working for ya so far?

Before you get all mad, I agree that the man you connect with has to be attractive to you. But if you’re looking for that guy we talked about above, not only doesn’t he exist, but I suspect not one of those characteristics have anything to do with him being a good life partner. If you’re looking for someone to spend 20+ happy years with – I recommend you look a heck of a lot deeper.

Almost every profile I read ..mention chemisty. Alot of you are convinced that the holy grail is that elusive “chemistry.” Without it, you hardly feels it’s necessary to give a guy any time or attention. Jesus it like you are stuck in your 12-year-old self’s fantasy and guided by feelings and intuition. You still believes that one day your prince will come, you will lock eyes, and BANG…it will happen! You are holding out for the blazing bonfire; and if it doesn’t happen right away, you don't not sticking around. WOW!!!!!!!!!!

I dated for a lot of years and met a ton of women. We’d have a good phone call and then we’d usually meet for coffee. A lot of them seemed to lose interest pretty quickly. I always felt like I was being tested. It was like: “Show me what you got!” And if I didn’t perform in the first 10 minutes, I could tell she would shut down. Like I disappointed her somehow.

Remember Ally McBeal? I loved that show. She was smart, attractive, accomplished, and was always trying to find Mr. I Love You or keep her current Mr. I Love You, but it just never worked.One episode I always remember is this one: She meets this charming lawyer, and he thankfully asks her out. He takes her to a lovely restaurant. At dinner they have stimulating and engaging conversation, sharing big smiles and a few nervous giggles. Ally is falling hard. The love song plays in the background. (You see this guy, la la la la, this guy’s in love with you…)Uh-oh. Here it comes: a spot of bleu cheese dressing on his chin. Oh no! Not that! Ally takes notice. Ally stares. Ally obsesses. All she sees is the freakin’ bleu cheese. In reality it’s a little dot, but as she becomes more obsessed she starts seeing more and more and MORE bleu cheese! And then, poor gorgeous lawyer man is literally bathed in bleu cheese dressing from head to toe.Errrrrrk! Music stops playing. Ally takes on the “Oh crap, not another loser” look. She is done with him. B’bye This is exactly how most woman are......

The last woman I talk to..told me this, "‘I don’t want ordinary love. I want something passionate with someone I truly respect: a soulmate. Unfortunately, I find few men who I’m really attracted to" Crazy crazy crazy. She told me that she just had to find the right person — yet this is where her problems deepened I think.. Instead of looking for a ‘good enough’ man — as her mother or grandmother would have done — she is holding out the promise of the all-singing, all-dancing, perfect partner.As a result, she is searching for an overpowering connection has caused her to choose two types of lovers. There are those who are good on paper but do not yield an immediate ‘chemistry’, so she gives up on them. or there are the ‘bad boys’ who are ‘passionate and deeply emotional’, but deliver brutal and destructive relationships.

You know what i told her..."Instead of intense attraction, could your subconscious have been pumping adrenaline round your body because it was saying, “Run, run, run".HAHAHAHAHA

I understand that I’m not Brad Pitt. But I’m educated, decent looking man ,I have a good job, and I’m damn nice. And I am serious about finding The One. Apparently I was supposed to jump through some hoops to get their attention.

You can probably imagine how it feels when you have to do some song and dance to get attention from someone you’re meeting for the first time. Oh, wait…you don’t have to imagine, do you? You’ve probably felt like this with some of the men you’ve met. It’s like you have a few minutes to pass some test; and if you don’t, he’s essentially done.

Feels crappy, doesn’t it? Here is how dating can go for the Wow-Me Woman: She dates and never meets men she likes. Then, once in avery long while, she meets someone and feels The Chemistry. They have an incredible first date. He could be The One! Then there are two things that can happen: you have a great first date and he never calls her again. In this case you read it apparently you read it wrong. or he instantly starts texting and emailing, and you both jump in...then, relatively soon thereafter, he either disappears or explains that he’s just not ready for a relationship.Am I not getting your life story correct?

If you’re willing to stay with a man who “has everything” but can't commit to marriage, it means you’re willing to accept disappointment , fear, and insecurity rather than the love and devotion you deserve. It’s not just lack of commitment. It’s everything.

The Wrong Guy comes in many forms: he treats you like crap, he won’t make a commitment,or he just doesn’t have the qualities you’re looking for in a lifetime mate. You should blame chemistry. You tend to take it very seriously. So seriously that it often trumps all other data. It’s like once you decide he’s hot and possibly The One, all contrary evidence is invisible or seems irrelevant. Out the window it goes. Look: if you want to just have sex, go for the hot men. But if you want to be adored, challenged, trusted, loved, and humored…learn how to think past that superficiality to find the real good guys .

I am irritated because I am looking for something real and lasting. I feel like I am dating like a grownup, but not getting the same in return. I guess I am looking for the woman who is not just looking for a good date; she is looking for a good husband. Having fun and being with a cute guy was not what lifetime partnership was all about. I needs to know more about you than that you win marathons, have a big career,or like to see adventure movies. I wants to know YOU. Just like you want to know more about me than my job title and golf score.

Do you want to know why married men or gay men like you? Married men like you because they know you! When you are with unavailable men, you are your authentic self. You don’t have those walls up, you aren’t stuck in your head, and you’re not being taken over by your gremlins and insecurities.After all: these guys aren’t available, so there is no need for all that nonsense, right?

When I get to talk to some of the woman who respond to me most of them are cold, defensive, and bordering on aggressive.Their first mission was to make it clear to me that they have a very full life and was doing just fine on their own. They thought it was important for me to “know who they were.” After all, They were independent woman, and They was not going to give up or change anything for any man! If I was the man for them, I would appreciate their strength and the real them; But you know what....there was no kindness ...they came at me with all they got... big personality, sarcastic wit, strong opinions and personal power. If they don't need someone ..then why are they in the site. In truth, it usually a test, and very few men passed. (Nor, did I want to). It was their armor that was a turn off. They would come off like men..they don't need anyone...they don't need anything. Please!!!!

It's the masculine is attracted to feminine. That’s just how it is. So chill, knock off the scary overly controlling stuff and have some fun being a girl. Just like you want a man who is strong, confident, and decisive; he wants a woman who is nurturing, kind, and receptive. It’s nature. Here’s my newsflash: Being feminine doesn’t mean you can’t also be brilliant, opinionated, and self-sufficient. It’s all part of an amazing package

No guy want to compete with his partner.when you’re on relationship…you’re no longer at work…doing those things that make you so effective at the office…does not set a man’s heart aflame. I adore a woman who can take charge and kick ass, but just don’t feel the need to have it proven around me. The thought of you going to the office, being decisive, and taking control can really turn me no but I just don't want it to be my ass that’s getting kicked or that you’re trying to control. Honestly…who wants to be around bossy people? And no one wants to be bossed around themselves. In business, some of us are forced to endure it to climb to the next rung or simply to feed our families. In our personal life, however, no self-respecting person – man or woman – should stick around for it.

To me...finding a partner is like finding a good job: you only need one, but making a bad choice wastes your time and sticks you in an unpleasant situation. To avoid that, means not letting yourself be taken in by the flashy exterior. Granted, when I talk to someone on the phone I don’t know her too well, but what traits (other than her hotness) show potential? But I do ask myself does she seem smart, compassionate, spiritual? Does she care about pleasing me? Does she share important interests or beliefs? If all I can come up with is “she’s beautiful” or “we have chemistry”… I am going to do what Forrest Grump did....Run for the hills! . Bad choices are just around the corner. Notice I didn’t say “Do I feel good when I’m with her.” beautiful + Chemsity means I feel good – especially when she seems to be attracted to me. Yah baby, I feel good.But if she bring the best out of me and I am comfortable being myself with her? Then I am definitely want to talk to her some more and see her.

If you’re embodying joy, compassion and sensuality, telling me how great I am, making me feel like a billion bucks and the conqueror of worlds, you have no competition. I would marry you in a second. In fact....good men will come out of the woodwork to find a goddess like you.

What if you found someone like me : the one that thinks you are delightful, and beautiful, and brilliant? The one that boasts to his friends about your successes and supports you in all you do? The one that makes you feel safe, gives you permission to soften, and to be the complex woman that you are? Wouldn’t you want him to feel like a billion bucks and the conqueror of worlds? So I ask you: if I can makes you feel that good, then what the begeezes is so infuriating and ugly about being an open, loving, giving woman for toward me? And yes, there is a catch, and an important one: you’re not going to come close to finding someone like me unless you show yourself to be the woman worthy of me.

Albert Einstein once said:“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” Al was so damn smart! Not only was he the king of quantum physics, he got right to the heart of one of the most troubling challenges in male/female relations.It’s one thing to get man to change what he wears, it’s another thing to expect him to change who he is. When you love a man, love him as-is for God sake. He’s just being who he is. You want a man of character, don’t you? and if your man doesn't have character before you met him...he won't after you marry him. And the other problem to me is that most woman are trying to be something they are not ...until they can't and then the real them come out. To your man, it seems the woman he fell in love with is changing before his eyes. You’re not changing really; you’re just finally being your true self. Trust me...In the long run, faking stuff to catch a man makes you both miserable.. this is why my marriage failed.

Have you heard this quote by Anthony Robbins: “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” I love this quote.Well, Mr. Robbins said it: as long as you stay the same and keep doing the same things…you will remain in the same situation.I’m going to guess that you’re doing pretty darn well without him. You’re probably happy, and you’ve created a nice life for yourself. But don’t you want spectacular?? That’s what can happen when you find a loving partner to share your already great life with. Expecting that special someone to show up as you repeatedly think, feel, and do the same thing over and over…is just not realistic. Unfortunately, that’s just not the way it is. You have to make it happen; and the only way you can do that is to respond to me.

After you been in so many relationship, you l realize that in any human relationship.......you are ultimately facing yourself. The girl or guy you are talking to is actually a reflection of yourself in a different form. The best practical example I like to give is to look into the pupil of your partner's eye. What can you see? Chances are you see a close reflection of your own self. Read that last sentence again. Think about what I am trying to say. The more you think about it, you will begin to realize the truth about the universe.




PART II

 I never thought this whole process would be so hard. You can guess my chagrin when I refer to marriage as a "process". Growing up on heavy doses of romantic movies, There were dreams of finding someone amid picturesque hills and valleys. Unfortunately, in the frantic bid to establish a career and standing on my own feet, a lot of my dreams have met the Grim Reaper; and one of those is that of meeting someone who will steal my heart away, right under my nose. The truth is, between an excrutiatingly busy career and a non existent social life, it has been impossible to meet someone. That is not to say, I have not tried the dating sites promise to find you the "one", but I think most of them are mirages that serve best to keep my hopes of finding a life partner alive but have so far not given me any tangible results.

I used to think finding love would be an easy thing. Think about it. I am a attractive, good health, well educated.. a doctor, have a house, car, and a great family. A lot of girls would love to marry me. Well, I was so wrong. I had the fatally wrong notion that in the I could snap my fingers and get the girl I want. Anyways, years ago, I gave in to the pressure of my loneiness and got married and realized she never really did love me. I won't ever settle again.

Needless to say, I haven’t really found someone I’m interested in, even after making a whole new commitment to putting myself out there. I always try to find the lesson in everything — the silver lining that will make it all make sense, that will make it all seem part of a grand scheme, or some predetermined fate that I can’t even begin to visualize yet. But really the only thing I’ve become convinced of is……dating can suck. It can honestly, really, really suck. It’s constant disappointment. It’s something being off even if you’re not quite sure what that something is. It’s trying to avoid the wolf underneath the sheep, and to find the sheep that’s hidden by your mesmerization with the wolf. It’s hoping for a someone you’re not entitled to meet just because you’re you. Frankly, it’s so exhausting

But I think it's important to find love. I can't imagine what will replace not doing that, because I've done everything else I've wanted to. I think it's the sense of belonging I hanker after. I finally got to the point where I began to get at least a basic understanding of who I myself am and and the forces that made me what I am, I finally had the experience of meeting someone I loved purely for herself and not through the distorting mirror of my own psyche. For a variety of practical reasons it couldn't last long, but I remember one day in particular when we took a long walk by a river, when I had an overwhelming feeling of completeness, as though I had finally managed to accomplish something Nature had programmed me to do. And I felt very grateful for that experience, in many ways it didn't seem to matter how long it lasted, just to have had that day was everything.

Most people based their internet dating on picture. Most woman see a handsome picture of a guy and they don't know at him at all. They have fallen in love with a pretty face, and an idea. The image of who he is, what he cares about, his flaws and perfections, are nearly entirely made up through their imagination. That alone should be a problem for any rational person. But love isn’t rational – or so I hear. I am not arguing that physical attraction doesn’t matter – it does

The woman who do respond to me...it seem ... want more pictures...want to met up ASAP without even knowing anything about me...the person inside. They don't care about anything else except for chemistry . You either have it or not. And I believe that real love takes time...you can't just know with one meeting, but you shouldn't be wasting peoples' times if your heart is close. Love is a choice. You choose to love someone when you're ready for a mature commitment, you want to build a family, and you want to grow together with someone you're compatible with (intellectually, sexually, spiritually, etc.) You get to a point in life when you want and desire a true, deep, meaningful, monogamous relationship that exceeds superficial fantasies. Deep within all of us (or at least I believe so) is an innate hunger to become entangled physically, emotionally, and spiritually with the one person you have decided to unite with in marriage even when all hell feels like is swirling around you.

I read these profiles...and I see these beautiful woman all pursuing the Don Drapers, They come to Manhattan with dreams of meeting the rich i-banker.They don’t care how smug or self-important he is. They want the man who will help them believe that they are more attractive or engaging than they really are. The problem is that they can’t compete. You message these men on dating sites because you want them to go out with you. You want to be The Chosen one, and when you repeatedly fail, you heap all of the blame and frustration on men. You play a huge part in this and you need to get that. These men? They don’t have to choose you They will sleep with you, but won't marry you. They have more than enough options. Common sense would dictate that you lower your standards. But no. Much like the men who suffer from similar chips on their shoulder, you’re going to continue to go after men way out of your league because you can’t admit that you just aren’t what they are looking for.

Yes, I know. You’re awesome. If people would only give you a chance, etc. Sweetie, nobody owes you a Blue Ribbon just for participating. Everybody doesn’t get a trophy. Only the winners. But do you want to continue to ride that carousel for years on end until you are sitting alone in your apartment and telling everybody how you “chose” to be single or how you rather be alone than in a bad relationship or whatever mantra you repeats endlessly in an attempt to avoid the real reason you are single. Who are you kidding? It is not me...it's yourself.

Most woman really do abandons their standards for really good looking guy.If you want to have standards, have standards. But standards only prevent you from being used and abused if you stick to them consistently. The whole “I refuse to settle” argument is so flimsy and disingenuous.

Every single woman must “settle” in order to end up in a serious relationship If a good looking woman in her 30s and wants to find a smart, funny man, who has a job, and that she personally is attracted to, to have a serious relationship with, why shouldn’t she wait for ridiculous standards like he must make six figures, look like George Clooney, be as funny as Conan O’Brien, blah blah blah.

Someone says “settle” and most woman think it that I am suggesting is to find some schmuck and get him to marry you. It’s not that there is a limited supply of men who want to date you. It’s that there is a limited supply of men who want to commit to you or anybody else. And if they do want to commit, they either are probably going to do it with someone under 30 so they won’t be rushed into settling down and having kids OR they are guys that you have blown off and passed over as you wait for your funny, attractive, educated, employed, charming Mr. Right. Many women have been listening to tales and fables from their friends about that one woman in their office or second cousin or sorority sister from college who found Mr. Right. They are exceptions to the rule. Not the rule.

Men will look at you and have vulgar fantasies about you in bed with them .For a guy to see a woman he is attracted to is to undress and imagine having sex wit her. Their only goal is to make it come true...is that what you want? To be used and thrown away. A means to an end of someone's fantasy?

If there are so many options for you ladies, then where are all the stories of courting and wooing? about some dude who beds you and disappears Why is online dating a billion dollar industry? The days of marriage and commitment being a given or a must have are over. So many woman been saying they didn’t need a man and had plenty of time to find someone that they completely missed the part when men started thinking the exact same way. Men have learned how to use the overage of single woman in the market place to their advantage. Now they’re winning. Now they’re being taken care of by desperate women who would rather support some leech than be alone. Or they’re dating multiple women who, like them, don’t want commitment. Or they’re juggling multiple women who do want commitment and then dumping them and then starting over. There’s a constant supply of single women for them!

Since no one gets EVERYTHING they want in a partner, then by definition, EVERYONE settles. LIke everything else in life, relationships are about tradeoffs. What can I live with in order to get the things I can’t live without.

It’s amazing to me that not only is this a foreign concept for otherwise “mature” adults, but that something that is essentially a truism should spark such incredible rage and emotion in some people. Do you also become outraged that the sky is blue and that the sun sets?

When anyone interprets settle as just taking the first guy that comes along, it indicates her rigidity and failure to understand the give and take in any relationship. It indicates her lack of ability to communicate well. The cold harsh truth is that we are always settling our entire lives. Each of us is one person on a planet of billions. Even insanely wealthy and powerful people have to settle. They still don’t get things exactly their way.

There is no one on this planet that exactly fit our criteria. And our criteria doesn’t even stay the same. No one should compromise on matters of principle, but matters of taste are an entirely different thing.

Consciously or not, you’ve been critically evaluating every guy you’ve dated or had a short-term relationship with. One guy might have a good job, be smart and funny, but are you attracted enough to him? The next guy might be funny and very attractive, but maybe not as ambitious in his work or have a higher degree. The thing is, no matter who you’re with, you’re looking for faults and comparing every man you’re with to a theoretical “better” man. Which is why the word “settle” upsets you so much.

By always looking for the “better” man, you leave yourself open to being played while looking for ways to reject the men that would be good for a long-term relationship.

Instead of critically evaluating every man against your 462-point checklist, try this challenge: with every guy you are attracted to, focus on his good qualities, and actively look for those good qualities. If you can do this consistently, you will invariably find that you’re even more attracted and realize that you’re not “settling,” you’re accepting a person and building them up so that they become the “better” man. You’ll be happier and more likely to find that genuine committed relationship you seem to be looking for.

The other thing I have been seeing is women trying to do things like men. Trust me ladies, you don’t necessarily want to do that. That’s not what the feminist movement fought for. Equality does not mean doing things the same way. Example, I have been looking at online profiles. Its amazing the age ranges I see women seeking in men. Does that slightly overweight 45 year old really think she can get an athletic 38 year old man to commit to her? He may do sex, but commitment, hardly likely. It’s just unrealistic. Men in the over 35 age have too many options. And the younger guys are no help. They are generally never going to give you what you really want.

The bigger problem with settling though, is that people are really not looking in the mirror. They are often asking for a standard that they can’t give. The funnest to me is the 5ft 2in girl asking for a guy over 6 ft.. It’s the 37 year old woman with a kid asking for a man with no kids. It’s the slightly overweight woman that wants a buff guy. It’s the woman with non-negotiables and disclaimers asking for an easy going drama-free guy. It’s the woman going on numerous dates with various guys asking for a one woman man. It’s the woman wanting a guy who will pay her bill, but want no part in paying any man’s bill. And finally, it’s the woman who has few or no potential suitors interested in commitment, demanding that very desirable guy who she knows has endless women throwing themselves at him.

DO YOU SEE WHY I JUST DON'T MET EVERYONE WHO RESPONDS TO ME...OR BETTER YET GO ON A DATE WITH THEM!!!!!

When people self sabotage they are still, as ever, acting in their own interests, the thing to figure out is what interests specifically they might be. I’ve also noticed that as women’s options decrease, the demands get ramped up when they should be reduced. You don't have forever to have kids ladies. By the age of 34 you only have 20% of your eggs left.

I think the best standards to have are about yourself and what this person does in relation to you, rather than some objective, standalone standard. For example, I’d say it’s more important to find someone who (assuming you want it) is able to intellectually challenge you and broaden your horizons than it is to find someone with an Ivy League degree. Likewise, it’d be important to find someone where, with combined incomes, you’d be financially stable and capable of living the kind of life you want to enjoy, rather than them having an X-figure salary just to have one. Like, if the two of you with 5-figure salaries would be able to live comfortable, then why are you trying to find someone in the low-to-mid 6-figures? What’s the point? Likewise, sharing particular tastes in this or that is ultimately meaningless, if the person’s communication style is totally incompatible with yours. I mean, sure, you can talk about how you both love XYZ indie rock band, but if you’re incredibly animated and the other person is incredibly subdued or taciturn, would it be a good fit?

It's true we need to be very careful with who we go out with. That's why, I think dating should be reserved only to those instances where the two person involve are really serious in their belief that probably the other person can be their other-half; that they can see themselves in their mind of minds that they can share their whole life with the other. If they can't find peace in their hearts in their decision to be with this person, then that person is not for them. Absolutely! The sole idea of never been loved again is frightening. Why are people so afraid to share their love with others. Why are there always high expectations of someone. I mean every person is lovable in their own particular way. Nobody has the time to share an empty space in time. Everybody seeks "the instant attraction " which is not only impossible but non-existent in many cases. You don't become "the one" or someone's best friend from a day to another. Things take time, space and patience. Nobody could never imagine why you smile alone in the middle of a long ride on the subway, nobody will ever know why you prefer 2 sugars instead of three in your coffee, or know the routine you have after getting out of the shower or your secret fantasies you get every you ride the train. Small things that make you a whole are slowly discovered and cherish with time. Why are people so skeptical and closed minded? Why can anybody give one a chance. I have not found someone who has the ability to care on the same level that I do. I can't find anyone who is ready and willing to trust openly and completely in order to love completely and to give 100% to one another always. I don't understand why this is such an elusive woman. I guess the key to it all is finding someone who truly wants to be in a relationship and love someone with everything that is in them.

I want to meet someone… with a heart that often feels too big for her chest. Someone who can see the good – the possible — in every part of her life, and especially with me. With us. Someone who captivates me, pulls me close and lets me fly. I want to meet someone who accepts herself and does what she can to understand the world. Someone who likes to read and learn — explore and make mistakes, dream and slow down. Someone who makes me want to be a better me and be part of a better we than she has before. I want to meet someone who knows how to love– who wants love– who may be afraid of it, but tries it anyway. Who knows how important it is. Someone who has goals for herself and plans she will break for the right thing, the right person, the right place – the right time. Someone who is happy with the someone and the something and the somewhere she is.

I want to meet someone who likes the way the world rests on Sundays and how it’s the perfect day to wake up late, make love and eat pancakes. Someone who wants a family just as much as they want an amazing, fulfilling career, and knows you’ll never be able to be perfect at either. I want to meet who has her act together like I do. Someone who wants to try new things but also likes to be a regular at places she can’t and won’t stop going to. Someone who knows how to kiss and knows that love isn’t always enough– but it’s always worth whatever it brings or makes you learn.

I want to meet someone who wants to know what I know, who wants to see the town I grew up in. Who can’t wait to be friends with my sisters and or go on a walk with my mom. Someone who comes from a place I admire and has a laugh I long to hear. Touch I want to feel. I want to meet someone who is strong enough to stand next to me and sweet enough to let me fall into her when I need it. Or even when I don’t, but want it. Someone who remembers the things I say and can hear the things I don’t, someone who will be there today, tomorrow – always. I want to meet someone who wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but here, with me.

I know she is out there... I DO.

She is a living, breathing, actual person with a history that I don’t know. She was born somewhere and she may or may not have moved away from her hometown. She has a freckle in an odd place that’s hidden away under her clothes. She has an ex-boyfriend who broke her heart, a certain way she loves to be kissed, and she may care less if the Jets won or loss. She has a food that she can’t get enough of, a vegetable she isn’t the biggest fan of, and a scar that has a story. Her girlfriends known since elementary school and a teacher who made an impact that lasted past the classroom. She knows every single word to a few songs, has read a book or two that she couldn’t put down, and she has a place she dreams of going, but never has. She may have an affinity for intelligent men who like to write. I haven’t met this woman. but this person, with all of her incredible and messy qualities, is the woman I have faith I will meet, and marry one day. I don’t believe in the idea of a soulmate who makes your “half” a whole, but I do trust there is a single person for everyone, who is suitable (and preferable) for life-long commitment.

While I was picturing her, getting lost in the endless wondering of when (or if) I would meet her or pondering if I could catch a glimpse of her on the next train or bump into her at the next cocktail hour – I had forgotten that a relationship with myself is really the one I needed to be working on.

Really, I knew had a choice: I could get lost in this fantasy character I’ve established in my mind, with blond hair, blue eyes, and perfect, succulent lips who like to have sex all the time than I can dream of (but is insanely humble and talented) – or I could first accept myself, and then accept her, for whoever she is. This doesn’t mean I settled for less than I deserved or lowered my standards, but I realized that instead of writing her letters, I could just go about my life and let whatever is meant to happen, happen.

I still have a ways to go on this journey, but I hadn’t realized how much progress I made until a beautiful stranger locked eyes with me on the subway yesterday and I smiled back, before getting off at my stop – and it occured to me: I haven’t thought about running into Ms. Right in such a long time.

And that was it. I did it. I finally let go of anticipating our encounter or wishing on stars to meet her.

And today, I’m a living, breathing person. I have dozens of stories that she doesn’t know. I’ve been lucky to love some wonderful women, and I’ve learned from the ones who have done me wrong. There are foods that I would never give up,and I admittedly have memorized most Backstreet Boy songs. I have a scar on my left wrist that’ll forever remind me of how i burned my wrist making lunch for a picnic with one of my ex.

Regardless of when she stumbles into my life or what she is really like or what color her eyes are, I am just as important of a character, of a person, as she is. And finally, she isn’t my top concern, my highest priority, or the thing I worry the most about. I don’t dress to impress her, imagine all of the ways I could meet her during the activities before me each morning, or curse the universe for delaying our impending marriage.

Instead, my look, my style, is my own. I look forward to the moments of my day where I’ll do something that’s fulfilling and helps others. And I thank the heavens above for giving me the chance and the drive to devote my passion, my enthusiasm to the most important, most beautiful, and most life-altering relationship I’ll ever experience: the love I have for me, or what I’d like to call myself…Mr. Right.

Some people tell it like you just finally find "the one." And some people say it's just work, you pick someone and they pick you and with a little work and a little luck, it works out. Some people say, "I wasn't ready till now, I had to grow," and some people say, "I was waiting for you my whole life." Romantic love contains within it the idea of knowing, and thus, for some of us, requires a leap of faith. I think you change, and keep changing, all the time. And if you find "the one", it must be that you've changed in some way that has made that possible. You've found someone with whom that particular part of you emerges, the part of you that can imagine one person, forever.

I do believe in the term the "one". The one emphasizes you are the one I choose to dedicate myself to even when I sometimes feel like there could have been another one. Love/marriage exists when we can honestly say, I don't feel like loving you but I choose to because you are the one I choose to love. Maybe we have some instinct the kick in to tell us, this person is the right one. Maybe the instinct comes from life lessons from our parents or some other life lesson from whoever. And when we make that decision based on our heart, mind, and instinct, we open up and hopefully the other person is equally open to the love. We feel somewhat sure that this person is the one, no one can tell us different (if it's not the one, we have to find that out somehow). If it don't work we feel bad about it, lick our wounds, and start over again. If it does work, we act right and hope the other wants to act right too


PART III

I came up with three reasons why I think it’s so difficult to find a good old fashion good woman. I’m referring to the one who cooks, cleans, self driven, respectful, have morals, selfless, trustworthy, genuinely nice, etc.

1. Most of them are all ready taken.

The good women I always seem to come across are always either already involved, married, or even engaged. It seems as though someone is always going to beat you to the punch. It’s like a horse race out there.

2. Most of them have been brainwashed by feminists.

They come with a lot of baggage. Sometimes they are too independent. It seems as though they basically waiting for you to mess up, and it sucks because these are the good women we as men are looking for. They make these horrible assumptions about you which in turn totally change your whole perception about her. I even heard feminists think a lot of men are evil. Oh well, on to the next one we go.

3. Most of them don’t even want a “good” man.

There are so many good women out there looking for the wrong things in a guy and maybe vice versa. But it seems as though women are not attracted to the things that make a “good” man a “good” man. Because of this, we get looked over and ignored making it even more difficult for us to get a good woman.

Women are, completely practical beings and wholly impractical in their dating habits, or should I say expectations? Women won’t date a guy who doesn’t bring anything to the table, and that’s practical, but what they expect their potential mates to bring to the table is completely impractical. You should read the list woman put up there.You can’t have a 6’3, muscled, monied, handsome, Godly, driven, talented, honest, faithful man because only like 3 of those dudes exist who embody all those characteristics, and they’re married. The ones who come close to that and are single don’t want you, they just wanna fuck you, because everyone wants them, so they don’t have to commit. I’m not saying expectations should be lowered, I’m saying the focus should change. And don’t date for potential without drive either, a guy might be the most talented schmuck in the world, but until he decides he wants to make something of his talents you’re wasting your time trying to build him into something he’ll choose not to be.

I’m off topic. Value. Value is placed incorrectly. A lot of beautiful women think because they are beautiful they shouldn’t be asked to bring anything else to the table. Like that makes them a good woman by default. Education and success – ditto. A lot of educated women think they automatically rank as ‘good’ women because their education makes them a catch. Oh, and how about the chick who wakes up and sucks her man’s dick every morning? ….. Okay, we like her, but providing a steady diet of bomb sex doesn’t automatically make you a catch either.

Above all, a good woman like a good man should be judged by their character. Nothing else. The sooner we all realize that the sooner we’ll all have

If you're anything like me, I'm sure you've either heard it, said it, read it or even (momentarily) believed it. Come on, everybody say it with me 'A Good Man Is Hard to Find'.

It has become the watch word of the single woman - explaining why they don't have a man,how they last man was bad and that there is little hope that they will ever find another (good) man. Of course, their reasoning goes, it must be that there is something wrong with all men. It couldn't possibly be me. After all, I am perfect (or close to it). I am intelligent, employed, in school, self-sufficient, spiritual, God-fearing, beautiful, affectionate, you-fill-in-the-blanks, and so on and so on. So, if I don't have (want, need, will never meet) a good man, it must be because there are no more good men. Right?

Wrong.

Let me say for the record, loud and clear, I DON'T BELIEVE IT. I DON'T BELIEVE THAT A GOOD MAN IS HARD TO FIND.

I know there are good men out there because I am one for them and I see them also at my job. ..in the grocery store. Alone. With their children. In business suits. Even here. Why don't I think most single women 'see' these good men? Simply because most of them don't fit their notion of what a good man should look like.

Sometimes you have to let that person grow on you, just like a song you hear for the first time, but you don’t really like it, but the more you hear it you begin singing and dancing to it after a while. I’m a very GOOD man and I know it. Many people have said so, but this is one area in my life that seems to be BLAH BLAH. Women are not like when grandma and my mom were years ago. These women think they are the men in the relationship and I’m too strong of a man to allow myself to be defined as less than a man in that capacity. A man has to be a man at all times no matter how much the woman makes.

The other reason I don't think a good man is hard to find is because most woman definition of 'good' is so darned skewed. They automatically equate it with what we see on the Hallmark or Lifetime cable channels - he will have all the right words, do all the right things, and know exactly how to meet our needs. He will be suave, and debonair and manly, yet sweet. Okay - let's all take a deep breath and just wake up

Not every man knows the right thing to say. Or the right thing to do. Or can tell you the location of the most trendy restaurant. What you want in a man is one who is sincere - one who says what he means, is consistent and faithful and is genuine in all that he says and does.

I swear sometimes I think women only want the bad boy, or wanna-be “thug” guy who has a criminal record, bad credit, emotional issues, or unable to maintain a job. It’s something about fixing a man up that intrigues them. Women want to feel like they were the ones responsible for helping him see the light, get back on his feet, and turn his life around. Despite the fact he got you into debt, ruined your credit, and he caused you to have several nervous breakdowns.

I mean really. Do you women really think it’s going to be lilies in the field, days at the park, and chilling at the beachfront all the time? Men like that only exists in the movies. Filmmakers and screenwriters create these characters as fantasy. But you think these characters are real and they start living in your head, as you are daydreaming about character sweeping you off your feet. Wake up and come back to earth.

If you keep looking for Mr. Do-Me-Bad-Boy, then you will miss out on a plethora of eligible men. He will show up right in front of your eyes but your blinders will prevent you from seeing what’s directly in front of you.

Some women have the gall to ask for love but are not willing to accept it when it shows up. In not being able to receive love when it shows up, you are telling GOD, “Thanks, but no thanks. I do deserve love, but I want it my way.” Listen up , love is knocking at your door. Open your eyes and heart.

It reminds me of Lauryn Hill’s album The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. During the interlude a few adults are asking the young students in the classroom about love. One of the students, a young women, amply replies “If you never been in love before, then you don’t what it’s like to be loved.”

If you close yourself off from the feeling of being in love then you are missing out on one of God’s greatest gifts.

Look at R&B singer, Beyonce, and rap artist, Jay-Z. Beyonce is one the most beautiful and admired women in the world. Talented, smart, and could probably have any man she wants. Yet, she found love and happiness with someone that many may feel is beneath her standards.

I am not one to judge anyone, nor tell anyone whom they should love, but people fall in love all the time with folks that many would never imagine they would. And I have had my share of women who were less than desirable. After a few talks, they become very attractive. When you come to your less than inebriated senses you can’t believe you are sleeping with her.

But many women are shallow. Think about the average looking-man This man loves the ground you walk on. He worships you and will do anything for you. But because he isn't the best looking guy you tuck him away in the dark closet like an old piece of clothing. Shame, shame, shame.

I remember this R&B song that recording artists Babyface and Pebbles recorded together in 1990 entitled, Love Makes Things Happen. This sing epitomizes the idea of how you never know who you will fall in love with. You have no control over love.

God has brought many men in your life. just like I am now. They have come and gone. Poof! Disappeared. Absent.

I am telling you that you no longer have to let love slip through your fingers and out of your life. Take notice of me and your will see that I am the one you need, someone who is caring, loving, focused, a hard-worker, family-oriented, and spiritually grounded.But you have to be open to receiving me



PART 4

 I am looking for a sort of like first-date-meets-arranged-marriage, I know this has a possibility of scaring people away and that is fine. I’ve never really dated. That’s not the way you find somebody. Anyway, I’m not trying to find somebody. I trust that if I’m meant to be in a relationship, that person will come into my life. The modern-marriage ideal of a finding the perfect, romantic partner isn't realistic in my opinion...if it really worked why is that 60% of all marriage end in divorce. Everyone is looking for chemistry. Many women go for guys  they're attracted to -- not necessarily compatible with. But it's  compatibility that keeps people together over time. When people fall in love, it is generally with a personality and when they get married they have to live with a character and the two may not be same

So the question is..can you falling in love with somebody you've never met'....but a better question is can a blind person fall in love? People believe that love is only legitimate if you’ve seen or been in the presence of the other person. However, they are mistaken..just watch the movies like- "You Got Mail", "Message In A Bottle", and "The Lake House". I am going to open myself more to you..if you are interested. I do have a blog...which has my thoughts..poetry....stories...etc. It is a private journal where I will share what's in my heart and soul for you to read. I will be opening myself whole holly to you.

If you are going to fall in love with me, it’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with. You are falling in love with my insecurities,You are falling in love with my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my Internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my hopes and dreams, and how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me. But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you, the way I’ll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You’re falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, is my soul.

Since we are meeting online, I won't know what to expect before I made my way to meet you. I suppose I should consider myself lucky that when you opened your door, you are as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside because, in all honesty, it will be already too late for me to change my mind. My heart would be in charge by then. And you will always know that when I placed the ring on your finger, it was for who you are is, not who you resembles like. So, if you re a woman who truly understands and accepts these words, and are sincere about wanting to relate and share with a man on all levels, then please write and tell me about yourself, including your passions, interests and life priorities.


  PART 5

“What scares me is that I’m going to ultimately find out that at the end of my life that I’m really not lovable, that I’m not worthy of being loved. That there’s something fundamentally wrong with me…and that I wasn’t wanted in the first place.” – Demi Moore


"There is no shame in my saying that we all want to be loved by someone. As I look back over my life in romance, I don't feel I've ever had that. I have been the only one that was unaware of the fraud in a few of these circumstances blindly. When you get divorced, all the truths that come out, you sit there and you go, What the fuck was I doing? What was I doing believing that this person was invested in this way? Which is a fantastically strong humiliation in the best sense. It can make somebody very bitter and very hard and closed off, but I find it does the opposite to me"  -Sean Penn

Both Sean Penn and Demi Moore both never felt "loved by someone" but it's not for a lack of beautiful people in their life. I only felt loved once and I have been searching for it ever since. I totally relate to their comments. But I also believe that people who believe they are unloved live through their ego more than being conscious that they are spirit. If you believe in ego...you will believe that you are rejected due to being imperfect. You perceives through the lens of fear, rather than love. To believe and feel that you are fundamentally flawed means that you are in rejection of your entire being. It happens when you question the whole value of your presence. You believe that nothing you ever do turns out right. It is likely that as a child, you are not seen for who you are. And so you developed the belief that you are never “good enough”.

“Non self-acceptance puts you in rejection. You believe that you are fundamentally flawed. You are convinced that there is something inherently wrong with or missing in you. You are painfully aware about not feeling whole. Self-rejection happens when you are unable to accept yourself fully and unconditionally. And so you seek to diminish your own value. You feel unworthy.”