PERSONAL/JOURNAL: I STILL WANT TO FALL IN LOVE

I never thought this whole process would be so hard. You can guess my chagrin when I refer to marriage as a "process". Growing up on heavy doses of romantic movies, There were dreams of finding someone amid picturesque hills and valleys. Unfortunately, in the frantic bid to establish a career and standing on my own feet, a lot of my dreams have met the Grim Reaper; and one of those is that of meeting someone who will steal my heart away, right under my nose. The truth is, between an excrutiatingly busy career and a non existent social life, it has been impossible to meet someone. That is not to say, I have not tried the dating sites promise to find you the "one", but I think most of them are mirages that serve best to keep my hopes of finding a life partner alive but have so far not given me any tangible results.

I used to think finding love would be an easy thing. Think about it. I am a  attractive,  good health, well educated.. a doctor, have a house, car, and a great family.  A lot of girls would love to marry me. Well, I was so wrong. I had the fatally wrong notion that in the  I could snap my fingers and get the girl I want. Anyways, years ago, I gave in to the pressure of my loneiness and got married and realized she never really did love me. I won't ever settle again.

I think it's important to find love. I can't imagine what will replace not doing that, because I've done everything else I've wanted to. I think it's the sense of belonging I hanker after. I finally got to the point where I began to get at least a basic understanding of who I myself am and and the forces that made me what I am, I finally had the experience of meeting someone I loved purely for herself and not through the distorting mirror of my own psyche. For a variety of practical reasons it couldn't last long, but I remember one day in particular when we took a long walk by a river, when I had an overwhelming feeling of completeness, as though I had finally managed to accomplish something Nature had programmed me to do. And I felt very grateful for that experience, in many ways it didn't seem to matter how long it lasted, just to have had that day was everything.

I see lots of ads  where people describe in detail the type of partner they think they are looking for, it makes me sad because when you really love someone it's always a surprise. It could be anyone. For example....my best female friend (total babe) is married to an "ugly" bloke she disliked for weeks when they met at work, would never have dated him but then she left her long term boyfriend to be with him after they got closer and closer. As she said "I started having feelings for him and told myself not to be stupid...he's no Brad Pitt..." So she went from "Yuk" to "He's a good friend - he's alright" to "I really want to have sex with him" to "I want this man to be the one I spend the rest of my life with " in the space of 6 months.


The woman who do respond to me...it seem ... want more pictures...want to met up ASAP without even knowing anything about me...the person inside. They don't care about anything else except for Chemistry. You either have it or not. And I believe that real love takes time...you can't just know with one meeting, but you shouldn't be wasting peoples' times if your heart is close. Love is a choice. You choose to love someone when you're ready for a mature commitment, you want to build a family, and you want to grow together with someone you're compatible with (intellectually, sexually, spiritually, etc.) You get to a point in life when you want and desire a true, deep, meaningful, monogamous relationship that exceeds superficial fantasies. Deep within all of us (or at least I believe so) is an innate hunger to become entangled physically, emotionally, and spiritually with the one person you have decided to unite with in marriage even when all hell feels like is swirling around you.

I do believe in the term the "one". The one emphasizes you are the one I choose to dedicate myself to even when I sometimes feel like there could have been another one. Love/marriage exists when we can honestly say, I don't feel like loving you but I choose to because you are the one I choose to love. Maybe we have some instinct the kick in to tell us, this person is the right one. Maybe the instinct comes from life lessons from our parents or some other life lesson from whoever. And when we make that decision based on our heart, mind, and instinct, we open up and hopefully the other person is equally open to the love. We feel somewhat sure that this person is the one, no one can tell us different (if it's not the one, we have to find that out somehow). If it don't work we feel bad about it, lick our wounds, and start over again. If it does work, we act right and hope the other wants to act right too


 I want to meet someone.

Those five words lingered in my head, even as I tried to ignore that they were there. I distracted myself with thoughts of other things and by making to-do lists in my head. I pretended this desire wasn’t bubbling beneath me. couldn’t stop the message my heart sent to my mind.

I want to meet someone.Though powerful and constant — it’s not a helpless feeling or a dissatisfied longing. It’s different than it was years ago. I don’t feel like something is missing or part of me is still void — I’m not lusting after every woman. I feel no rush and no pressure, no need to speed along a road that I’m not sure how to navigate yet. I don’t believe it’s impossible to find happiness and I do believe I’m meant for a marriage– and still. Still – after (many) failed relationships, and one failed marriage I still want it.

I still want to fall in love.

But the craving has changed. It’s not wistful and romantic (well, only a little). I’m not looking to be completed. I’m not hoping to make a married woman out of a woman doesn’t even know how to love, is selfish or is totally emotionally unavailable. I’m not making myself something I’m not so I can be granted the so-called coveted title of boyfriend to just get sex

Instead– I want to meet someone… like me?

Someone with a heart that often feels too big for her chest. Someone who can see the good – the possible — in every part of her life, and especially with me. With us. Someone who captivates me, pulls me close and lets me fly. I want to meet someone who accepts herself and does what she can to understand the world. Someone who likes to read and run, travel and learn — explore and make mistakes, dream and slow down. Someone who makes me want to be a better me and be part of a better we than she has before. I want to meet someone who knows how to love– who wants love– who may be afraid of it, but tries it anyway. Who knows how important it is. Someone who has goals for herself and plans she will break for the right thing, the right person, the right place – the right time. Someone who is happy with the someone and the something and the somewhere she is.

I want to meet someone who likes the way the world rests on Sundays and how it’s the perfect day to wake up late, make love and eat pancakes. Someone who wants a family just as much as they want an amazing, fulfilling career, and knows you’ll never be able to be perfect at either. I want to meet who has her act together like I do. Someone who wants to try new things but also likes to be a regular at places she can’t and won’t stop going to. Someone who knows how to kiss h and knows that love isn’t always enough– but it’s always worth whatever it brings or makes you learn.

I want to meet someone who challenges me and yet, makes me feel comfortable in my sweat pants, without any hesitations. Someone who wants to know what I know, who wants to see the town I grew up in. Who can’t wait to be friends with my sisters and or go on a walk with my mom. Someone who comes from a place I admire and has a laugh I long to hear. Touch I want to feel. I want to meet someone who is strong enough to stand next to me and sweet enough to let me fall into her when I need it. Or even when I don’t, but want it. Someone who remembers the things I say and can hear the things I don’t, someone who will be there today, tomorrow – always. I want to meet someone who wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but here, with me.

I want to meet someone.

Someone out there in this big world, living on some street I’ve crossed a million times, taking some train at the same time, thinking about when she would meet… someone like me.

JOURNAL: STOP CHASING SEX

I wasn't always after having sex on the first date. After the relationship with Melissa....something changed in me. I was in a loveless relationship and I stayed because of the sex. Melissa..stop loving me...but kept coming back. Why did I let her ruin me? or rather ..why did I let myself change to something I don't like.

Maria..did love me.

My wife didn't

I don't want to be used....or rejected. So many woman are just not nice at all. They have this sense of entitlement.

I've come to the conclusion that we are all damaged during our childhood in some way. But to blame our parents...only keeps us as victims.

I finally understand now..when my mom kept telling me that family is so important when you get married. You don't only marry the person but you are marrying your partners' family...and all their friends, and entire past life. I thought she was just trying to scar me, but when you think about it. Your world looks and feels a certain way. Then you met and fall in love with someone whole world looks and feels completely different from yours. In the beginning that doesn't matter because the physical sensation of being in love is so great....but then all of sudden, you realize what your partner is the way they are by their family.

It so stupid to think..that if I had this certain person...my life would be great or complete.You should be complete without them.

I guess I didn't love myself enough to leave Melissa, to leave my ex-wife when I knew from their action..they didn't love me. I stayed because I didn't want to be alone....I didn't like being with myself...or maybe that I won't be able to handle life on my own. I didn't think I could handle a house on my own...but I am. I didn't think I can handle problems on my own. My biggest fear is losing everything...my family, my house..my health...and being homeless. It that stupid voice of the ego...that voice that tells me I am ugly..I am nothing. Why do I listen to it? a stupid little voice in my head that tells me....whatever i do..isn't good enough. When I think about it...i probably have had that little voice..my whole life.

It seem that the feeling of fear seem to creep into my life more often than the feeling of love....I need to face it...

"Hello fear...nice to meet you..i am confident in my ability here, so I don't need what you are selling me today."

SPIRITUAL : THE GREATEST HUNGER

The universe unfolds to itself, bringing to bear any cause that needs to be included. Don’t take this process personally. The working out of cause and effect is eternal. You are part of this rising and falling that never ends, and only by riding the wave can you ensure that the waves don’t drown you. The ego takes everything personally, leaving no room for higher guidance or purpose. If you can, realize that a cosmic plan is unfolding and appreciate the incredibly woven tapestry for what it is, a design of unparalleled marvel

The greatest hunger in life is not for food, money, success, status, security, sex, or even love from the opposite sex. Time and again people have achieved all these things and wound up still feeling dissatisfied- indeed, often more dissatisfied than when they began. The deepest hunger in life is a secret that is revealed only when a person is willing to unlock a hidden part of the self. In the ancient traditions of wisdom, this quest has been likened to diving for the most precious pearl in existence, a poetic way of saying that you have to swim far out beyond shallow waters, plunge deep into yourself, and search patiently until the pearl beyond price is found. The pearl is also called essence, the breath of god, the water of life…labels for what we, in our more prosaic scientific age, would simply call TRANSFORMATION

JOURNAL

I need to start working my body again.

-I do 30 min daily on my tendmill in my bedroom
-I use a back strap to keep my back straight

Need to do:
-push up and sit up daily.
-weights

THOUGHTS: DOES FOREVER MEAN FOR ALL ETERNITY

does forever mean for all eternity to most, or just for a while? i have been trying to make sense of my species for such a long time that i find too many differeneces in myself from them. like i hold to my promises and i dont lie, and i am not fake or material. ive decided that i, my love and my friends will always be the sub-species of intelligencia, not just sub-par humans. lol maybe thats a it over board, but back to the subject at hand -

so when i say forever, i mean until no blood runs in my veins and my fleshly body grows cold with death and my soul is no longer on this dreadful plane, and beyond. what does forever mean to you? if as just fleshly beings, we step back and add our oath to our words, then things would be a lot better in our world. ::again i go into mega-preaching-hippie-mode, look out ::

things would get done, less people would suffer and our race would be truer and finer. forever would mean my definition to everyone else on our planet, the perilously surviving third rock from the sun. so before you say forever, think if you mean it - only thr truest of declarations should emit from your mouth.

THOUGHTS: STOP THINKING YOU NEED PEOPLE

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels, find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. How do you find her? Forget your head and listen to your heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. The truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. 

Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them

Eat the damn chocolate cake, get your hair wet, love someone, dance in those muddy puddles, tell someone off, draw a picture with crayons like you're still 6 years old and then give it to someone who is very important to you. Take a nap, go on vacation, do a cartwheel, make your own recipe, dance like no one sees you, paint each nail a different color, take a bubble bath, laugh at a corny joke. Get on that table and dance, pick strawberries, take a jog, plant a garden, make an ugly shirt and wear it all day. Learn a new language, write a song, date someone you wouldn't usually go for, make a scrap book, go on a picnic, relax in the sun, make your own home video, kiss the un-kissed, hug the un-hugged, love the unloved, and live your life to the fullest. So at the end of the day, you'll have no regrets, no sorrows, no disappointments.


I think I've loved every person I've ever known. I think that there's something in every single individual that can compliment you or can contrast you in the worst way possible. But after you've met someone, someone who drives you crazy, who you can argue with, someone whose littlest habits are enough to make you swoon, you'll know it's love


That's what life is about. Those moments when you feel entirely carefree, like nothing can touch you. It's those moments that make the hard parts so worth it. It's moments like that that make this heartache bearable. I know it'll pass - my moments will come.
At this age, everything is changing. Day by day we don’t notice, but just look back over the past year and you will realize everything has. People you thought were going to be there forever, aren’t, and people you never imagined you’d be speaking to are now some of your closest friends. Life makes little sense, and the more we grow the less sense it will make. So make the most of it now, before it all changes once again, because in the near future, all of this is only going to be memories.


Stop thinking you need people - get it out of your head. Just live your life, beautifully. Make yourself happy because you're never promised that you'll find someone who can do that for you. & even if you do find that person - you could loose them. Stop depending on anyone else in your life to determine your happiness and start looking in the mirror at the most important one. Just be patient, & in time you'll come across someone that feels right - & without even knowing it you will have picked someone who compliments you, rather than trying to find someone who completes you


No one has the right to tell you who you are & control your life, cause it's yours. Your life is meant to be lived by no one else but yourself. We sometimes let people get the best of us, destroy us & change our opinions on what we believe is true. Only you know what is right for yourself, you have the power, you make the choices & learn. Each experience we go through in life is a lesson to be learned. We all make mistakes, why is it so hard for some to understand? No one should be judged by the mistakes they have made. It's past news. Everything happens for a reason & without the hard times, how would we ever realize our true strength? It's only through a time of suffering when we realize how strong we truly are inside, when we realize how much we can actually put up with & deal with before we eventually break.

Sometimes we're too into the moment to look at the big picture. We fail to see things in perspective because we're too absorbed in what's taking place at that very instant. The thing is we should face reality. Find ourselves from being lost in the moment and think about everything the way that it is. Because sometimes being realistic can save us from pain and disappointment.

THOUGHTS:

Sometimes it is so. The skin takes possession of objects. The light hurts the eyes and runs away from the Sun because it comes with memories and memorabilia that now want saved. Life overlies the dreams and your feet stick to the floor so that your body is inert. Cholera comes to intensity of longing. Since there are so many moments in which they are partners. 

 The light of day when the sun rises languishes. Evenings give rise to wakefulness and eyes even closed eyelids as they sail in search of some output and some lucidity. Not dreams, not nightmares but thoughts and memories. Surrendered to fatigue commit my spirit. I go to distant stops. I smell, see faces and tall buildings, historical monuments, hear laughter and admire looks ripped peace. The rain is drizzling but still oferto her face. I knew at that moment was to save my memory. And I was not wrong.


 The sun stood through the clouds. Woke me. I opened some windows and offered the melodies of Nina Simone to air the house. Today I have not done anything except hear. Catch a phrase here and there and compose a poem crooning. It is, without a doubt, my favorite singer. I imagine her on stage, singing, playing the piano, smoking, your charm. I close my eyes and quickly put myself in that environment. It was where I felt like being. Far away, in another life, in another country, another year, another story and another skin.

 Only a shell with hints of lucidity, when loneliness takes hold of his not breathe. In the midst of such madness and dementia are both rip some of perspicuity in the feet fly in search of the star that joins the line. These are the moments when the bodies come together in a hug or dance in which the gaze endlessly into the soul without feeling the least invasion. The other, the moments of madness and alienation are what allow the loneliness take hold of the body and sink into the deepest trench in which memories are neither comfort of mind. The body rooted moments of distress perpetuates the irons of a torn womb looking just a little heat. Lap. Or a breathing present.


 Always upward. It's the only way. It may even have endless curves but we can only go up. The climb can be filled with rocks and obstacles, but we can not face another alternative. It may even be our eyes and always a matter of perspective. It may even be an optical illusion but we have to face life as well. Even when expense. Even when no one sees the path, the more the slope of the land. The rise. Slowly and quietly. Without great aspirations to not have big disappointments. With small steps but firm and measured with dreams. One step at a time. A dream of time. A target at a time. In curves and obstacles forces are focusing and concentrating on ourselves and everything goes into place. Just be calm and tranquility. Haste is the enemy of perfection, and say it is perhaps because we hurry to reach the goals that we do not enjoy the way.


 Sit down here beside me and let me ask you if you saw the sun and it was wonderful when he lay on the horizon. Did you see? And if you saw the moon was so beautiful. Come, sit down here next to me and drink my coffee, even if you know it's dregs made a ritual of great affection and complicity. Talk to me. Tell me stories and endless things that fascinate me.Tell me what you think is done well or roast. Lend me your corner where I dive back in and smooth seas. 

LETTER

i read something that reminded me of you today...my future soulmate

“I want relations which are not purely personal, based on purely personal qualities; but relations based upon some unanimous accord in truth or belief, and a harmony of purpose, rather than of personality. I am weary of personality. Let us be easy and impersonal, not forever fingering over our own souls, and the souls of our acquaintances, but trying to create a new life, a new common life, a new complete tree of life from the roots that are within us.”
-Lawrence, D. H. 

I dont know what the author of this quote meant originally meant by this, but to me this meant that we should forever be growing. Remembering where we came from, and deeply imbedding our roots and creating life from a life we’ve created together.
That we shouldn’t be satisfied with being above the surface with one another or secluding ourselves from everyone we hold dear in our life. Rather lets be open to going out, being with our friends, and not becoming the couple that abandoned our friends because we couldn’t stand to be away from each other.
I want to have our own lives, but also have OUR OWN lives.
Together and Apart.
Yet remembering that at the end of the day, we’ll be in bed, happy and joyous over the life we’ve created together.
Love forever,
Your Future Husband.

JOURNAL: SANDY HURRICANE AND ELECTION

Dear God,

Thank you for having my power back. It been like almost two weeks without power.

My parent are living with me for the time being. Every morning I would wake up and head to the Village Park to take a shower and go to work. I would then spend time in the senior center with everyone else who don't have power. I met a few my Neighbors. 

My parents have two big holes in their room. It went right through my old room. One hole is right above where my head would be near my bed.

I didn't have work for 4 days last week. 

My sister and my father went to see my uncle who is ill.  My mom and I stayed because of lost power.

Election day ---I voted Republican straight across...but OBAMA won.

POETRY: SPEECHLESS

If I could but taste
Your kisses ever so sweet
As you gently and tenderly
Place them upon my cheek

If I could but gaze into your eyes
That outshine a starry night
Oh how happy I would be
To live a dream that has taken flight

If I could but touch
The very essence of your soul
To feel your warmth
Your heart's radiating glow

If I could but hear
Your lips part to speak
To say you love me and need me
Not just today but forever, each week

If I could but stop time
And live one moment forever
It would be when we two embrace
Souls united and not parting; ever

If I could but take your hand in mine
And from your side never part
To love you for all eternity
With my entire heart
Oh, how happy I would be

2

my darling you

my love for you is true

this i know because i feel blue without you

 and if this heart dies before yours

         i promise

my darling i will be waiting for you

 for i will be blue

'cause i will be missing you
3
How much love can one person have
To love until it hurts?
Some are not blessed with this lasting love
They only love in spurts.
To love someone so much that your mind
Loses all control
When someone holds all your heart,
And encompasses all your soul.
This love loves in spite of
Hurtful words and sad deeds,
One love knows the other
And what the other love needs.
This love gives hope and trust 
Treasured memories and tenderness
Changes lives, fulfills wishes
This love knows forgiveness.
Two lives merge in this love
Two hearts come together
No one breaks the ties that bind
This love lasts forever.
This love is so cherished
A heart cries when this love cries,
A heart hurts when this love hurts,
A heart dies when this love dies.
4

Sometimes at night you close your eyes and?
You dream of places far away.
You dream of goals unachieved.

Sometimes at night you close your eyes and...
You imagine things yet to be discovered.
You imagine flying through outer space.

Sometimes at night you close your eyes and...
You see yourself as a child again.
You see the time you?ve let pass you by.

Sometimes at night you close your eyes and...
You wish you could be on top of the world.
You wish you could sleep.

Sometimes at night I close my eyes and...
I dream of being wrapped up in your arms.
I imagine feeling your lips against mine.
I see you looking at me from across the room.
I wish you were lying here with me.

Sometimes at night I close my eyes and see only you.
    

5

I had a dream and you were standing there
The sky lit up by the moon
The air sat still as in a cocoon
Stars reflected in your eyes so clear and blue
The moment was perfect; untouched and true

In love I fell, too suddenly to comprehend
My heart would pound in a perpetually fast rhythm
You made me realize, I never wanted it to end

I had a dream and you were standing there
The wild look your eyes held
The way your thrashed, morning hair felt
I knew at that moment what I sensed, was real
I wondered if this is what you, could feel

In love I fell, too suddenly to comprehend
Sweat would drip from my nervous hands
My heart would only find comfort, when you could understand

I had a dream and you were standing there
Like honey, your sweet words stuck
Soft lips I longed to touch
Your strong embrace I could not leave
I grasped to the moment; 
took a deep breath and did not breathe...
6
Never distant is my love for you
always & forever it will remain true.
I don't care how far away you live
because to me your love you give.
You could live 10,000 miles away
to see you I'd travel from day to day.

If only you could hold me every night
that would make me feel, oh, so right.
I wish you lived close by
because whenever thinking about you I cry.
So many people tell me not to trust you,
I know people tell you the same thing too.

I wish you lived right next door
So we could see each other more.
I think everyone should know
and I'm gonna tell it everywhere I go...
Never distant is my love for you
Always forever it will remain true.
7
A burning heart full of fire,
 Moving along with no firm desire,
 Trying to find his life apart,
 Hoping to get some water
 For his burning heart.

 A burning heart crying aloud,
 Looking for love but there is no one around;
 Moving along with pain in his eyes,
 But there is no one who listens to his cries.

 A burning heart praying tight,
 Pleading for the strength to strongly fight
 The memories of the person it loved the most,
 And for a good life after the lover it lost.

 A burning heart full of fire, 
 Moving along with no firm desire, 
 Trying to find his life apart, 
 Hoping to get some water 
 For his burning heart.
8
To you, my wife, I promise this?
I live each day? for your kiss.
For you, I?d walk a million miles?
If only to see your beautiful smile.

I?ll be with you, through the good and bad.
Whatever the mood... whether happy or sad.
May I never hurt you... or make you mad.
Instead, your thoughts of me, always glad.

I?ll walk beside you till our lives here end.
And God, to heaven, our souls will send.
To you, everything, I vow to give.
May you never regret the life we live.

?I love you? is what I wish to say.
If only I could... a thousand times each day.

When the sun goes down and out of sight...
A thousand candles, for you, I?ll light.
No matter what, I promise to hold you tight.
And love you, always, with all my might.

?I love you? is what I wish to say. 
 A thousand times, to you, each day.
9
I take a breath as she comes up to me.
Speechless...
She speaks and steals my breath away. 
Words from her lips are like music to my ears.
Oh, to taste her smile.

Eyes so brown, lost in the sea of tranquility.
How can I walk when I'm blinded with such beauty? 
How can I speak?
She looks at me waiting for me to respond.
Oh, those eyes, her voice.
Already I miss her voice, the music that played softly to my ears.

So I take a breath and try to speak.
To sing to her like the woman in front of me.
Speechless...
I can't for beauty breathes in her
As her words flow with grace.

So I stand and dream.
I take in the air she breathes.
Listening to her voice.
Staring in those eyes, so blue.
Have you ever seen true blue?
Have you ever seen blue so beautiful?

Oh, those eyes, her voice.
Already I miss her voice, music to my ears.
Soothing to the soul.
I'll listen and remain...
Speechless.
10
So let it be that our lives
are but specks in the 
vastness of eternity.

Yet, it cannot be said 
that I have lived in vain. 

For the love I bear for thee
is greater than any force of nature.
11
The texture of her body, so unique
Extravagant, the color of her radiance
Lost in deep thought, decrepit I am

Perfection is indescribable
Beauty is so sweet
An aura so unimaginable, turns me so meek

The yearning of her fatal touch
Her passionate feel and contingency, I await

Petal by splendid petal, her radiance exposed
Foreseen glamour, her precious taste, I know

Miraculous endearment, so gentle, I adore
The love she unleashes, her mind, I explore

Eternally, so capable, beauty so frail
Perfection is indescribable, 
The bloom, will never fail
12
Love, defined by Webster as: 
An intense affection for another person
based on personal ties.?

I define it a bit different.
I define love by the look on your face as I stare into you eyes,
By the way that you smile 
just because we are in the same room together,
By the way that you laugh when I say something silly,
By the way we hold each other after making love.

Love is also that feeling we get when we miss each other so much, 
That feeling we get when we want to touch each other- but we cannot,
That feeling where our hearts are not complete, 
because we are far away.

They say that we are lucky if we experience true love 
just once in our life, 
We are, therefore, VERY lucky people, 
since we have something many people will never get to understand.

Yes indeed, Love has many definitions, 
but without you, I define Love as... nothingness.
13
Moments, never meant to be...
unlimited possiblities.
Taken in the blink of an eye,
who are we to deny?

Moments, so precious and few,
divine time spent with you.
Never meant for you and I,
stolen hours on the sly.

Moments, we shall never trade,
always treasured come what may.
Showing how much we both care,
stealing time... when we dare.

so rare... 
so true...
so precious few...

Stolen moments in time.......
14
The light swiftly chased
          the darkness away,
   and the cranny became illuminated.
          The hidden passion
        was suddenly revealed
  from the streams of truncated glory.

     Through the scent sprayed air
        your presence was felt
  as you gently stepped into the room.
      Desire rose amidst the aura,
     and my thoughts were twisted
     with every second of the hour.

       Looking through your eyes
          I saw reflections
       of past wayward thoughts,
      And my once ripped memories
     suddenly returned to the scene.
 Fearing the moments would prematurely die
          I gripped you tight
          while imagery of you
        browsed through my mind.

        Then I sit next to you.
     as you fed me with love,
      all the sweet-nothing sank
          deep in my brain.
       The passion never died
       as the night rolled by,
       but your magical words
   chased my mundane thoughts away.

LOVE: LOVING THE REAL PERSON

We all have fantasies. Some aren’t superficial, either. Some fantasies involve one specific person. Every time we picture our futures with a lover, it’s a fantasy. Imagining how your girlfriend will plan your future engagement, and what you’ll name your future children, and the future house you’ll all live in — it’s imaginary. It’s also ignoring that your partner is a living, breathing person independent of your dreamworld. I have to wonder if mentally painting the portrait we want for ourselves takes us out of the actual moment, impairs us from enjoying what’s right in front of us, gives us delusions about what our lives should or shouldn’t be.

Having a rigged idea of who you’re supposed to end up with and worse, attempting to find them within some societally-imposed timeline… how are these things conducive to building and sustaining a healthy relationship? It’s good, before committing to someone, to think that you might have some sort of future together, but how will you ever know without working on intimacy first? And how can you work on intimacy when you’re already keeping someone at arm’s length by having preconceived notions about the kind of person you’re meant to be with and how they do or don’t meet your expectations?

I’m not proposing that we ban all fantasy, and even if I were it wouldn’t be possible. What I’m proposing is that we live in the moment a little more, that we try hard to remember that our fantasies involve real people who are equal parts flawed and fascinating and that they deserve to be treated as such, and most of all: that if we get deep enough, if we become truly intimate with someone, there will be an endless supply of shiny and new and unknown inside of them, more than we’d ever know what to do with




Loving you feels like having the world’s best publicist. Being with you means knowing that we will encourage each other no matter what we want to do, even if you don’t agree with me, even if you think it’s wrong, even if what I want to do is not necessarily your thing, even if the whole thing turns out to be a complete disaster. “Well hey, at least you tried!” you will always say. Love is about accepting your partner for who they are and who they want to be, not about trying to mold them to what you think they should be. Love is encouraging your partner to be the best they can, because the best relationships are the ones where you both bring the most you have to offer.

Loving you feels like learning a foreign language. At first it doesn’t make any sense to me and I don’t understand what I keep doing wrong. I’m flustered and I sound stupid. But the point of learning a language is that the more time you spend with it, the better you get. Being in love with you feels like learning more about you, what you like, what you don’t like. Loving you feels like being out and seeing something that reminds me of you. Love is like being fluent in you.


Loving you feels like being excited to make a home with you. It’s like making your favorite meal for dinner when you texted me about what a bad day you were having, how you were walking around in the rain all day, no umbrella, and now your socks are wet. I know how you hate wet socks. When we were first dating this was the first thing I ever cooked for you, and it’s been your favorite dish since. Cooking for you is sharing a life together. No matter what awful things happened to you out in the real world, I want you to know that when you come home, it will all be OK

JOURNAL

I realized that I settled with my ex wife. I don't think she ever loved me. I don't want to settle anymore.

My car is in the shop and the BMW dealer gave me a loaner...but I can't believe how expensive the repair are.

I watched the debate on Monday night. I am still going to vote for Romney

I will be going to  Atlanta, Georgia next month. My uncle is ill. The whole family is going.

I feel so lonely, but I just don't want to have sex....i wrote about in my letter to God.

I am going to try to write here daily.

 

POETRY: YOUR LOVE HAS TAKEN ME LIKE A CURSE

Do you think of me
Before you close your eyes at night?

Do you think of me
At dawn's breaking light?

Do you think of me
When you're driving to work each day?
Do you think of us finding our way?

Do you think of me
On a beautiful sunny day?
Do you think about what I would say?

Do you think of me
When you're all alone?
Do you find yourself looking at the phone?

Do you think of me
When you touch your lips?

Do you think of me
When you're arms are free?
Do you think about holding me?

Do you think of me
When you're feeling sad?
Do you think of us together and being glad?

Do you think of me
And feel love inside your heart?
Do you think of me, well that's a start.




2


a know, love is like a lava lamp trapped in an airless glass jar
and powered by a burning light bulb
it comes in all different shapes and colors
and you can turn it on and off whenever you feel like it

inside, when it's off, it's just a cold lump of mass
it's not alive and moving
but when you turn it on, it's an amazing sight
It goes up and down and changes into different shapes

as it heats up, at first, it's broken apart into lil bitty pieces
As it stays on, it gets warmer and the pieces form together
If you leave it on long enough,
it forms into one big glob of beautifully colored moving liquid

but when you turn it off,
it stars to cool
and the pices form into a cold mass once again,
...lifeless




3

Touch me with your eyes,
Caress me with your look,
Let this love be written,
In Cupid's golden book.

Taunt me with your smile,
And words of tenderness,
Diminish all my fears,
And cure my loneliness.

Grasp my heart of passion,
Heal the scars old loves have left,
Kill the doubt I've kept hidden,
Tame this quickened breath.

Don?t abuse this love I'm giving,
It's a treasure few have found,
Yours to me will be more precious,
Than jewels set in a crown.

This gift of love I offer,
Possesses all I call mine,
Be careful with your commitment,
Forever is a long, long time.
  


4

The night I bend down on one knee
   in the islands of love,
will be the night when we're at sea
   and in the sky's above.
You are the only thing on my mind
   when I wake up and when I sleep.
Our two hearts must really bind,
   for the love that we have, we both keep.
So when I say I love you,
   I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
You and I as a two,
   nothing can ever pull us apart.   
We have a lot of love that we share,
   that makes our relationship so strong.
I know how much you really care
   or else we wouldn't be together for this long.
I would like to be with you til the day I die,
   forever in love;
to promise to never cheat or lie,
and to be in perfect love.



5


Look inside my soul
tell me, what do you see?
Am I there next to you?
are we living in a dream?

Do your arms reach out
to hold me tight?
When I look into you eyes
everythig will be alright.

Do the memories of me
invade you thoughts?
Do you begin to smile
at our silly little talks?

Your smile is like the sun
it shines through my darkest day.
I know because of fate
we will soon find our ways.

You voice is so sweet
it calms my fears.
But only for a moment
my love knows you're not near.

The speech you made so clear
opens up my mind.
You bring me to a place
where love isn't hard to find.

You bring me to a place
with the innocence of my youth.
where it is so hard
to find out about the truth.

My lips just can't speak the words
to tell you how much I miss you.
My heart will not find the feelings
to show you how much I care.

As I just look and stare
at the sky so blue.
I can hear your voice
so sweet, so true.

My lips now find the words
to tell you how much I miss you.
My eyes weep the tears of fear.
And I ask myself....

"Who is going to love me now?"
as the tear drops fall
and as I silently call
your name... so true.

My eyes weep the tears of leaving you
The pain of again saying "Good-Bye and I love you!"


6

Look into my eyes.
Tour the darkness
that lingers deep inside.
Look a little further
if you have the strength.
Look at the person inside me.
He's lived but a short length.
Look into my eyes and see
the pain I have felt
see the memories I have made.
Once you get to my soul
take a look around
all you see is black.
-Turn around-
head up to my heart
Once you get there
you'll see where
the real me starts.



7


You are my Vision.  You are my Life.
Give me all of you, To heal my strife.
I want to be with you each and every day,
Till Death do us part, I surely hope we'll stay.
Even though I'll be leaving soon,
No need not to carry on,
I want to be with you, our love is so strong.
If my going makes us break away,
I guess our love wasn't meant to stay.
Oh, how I hope to have you in my life,
Now and forever, I hope you'll be my wife.
I know it's a long wait, I'm patient and willing,
As long as I'm with you, I'll never lose these feelings.
If you decide not to be with me,
I have no choice but to carry on.
I love you from deep down inside,
All I want is you by my side.
If you can't, I guess it's too much too ask,
Please be here with me, to help me through this task.
I'll be here for you, through better or worse,
Through thick and through thin,
My love for you runs deep beneath the skin.
Please be with me through the years,
If we part, the only thing I'll see will be tears.
I don't want that to happen, I love you so much,
It's so hard to explain,
I love you more and more, each and every day.
These words out of my mind are only meant for you,
No one else can make me feel the way you do.
I love you, I love you, I love you, with all of my heart,
Maybe this love will be the start.
The start of a life together,
Even for eternity,
We shall never part.


8


When I miss you,
I think of what to do.
I close my eyes and picture you near,
Oh, how I can feel you and see you so clear.

You are standing before me,
This is what I see.
You reach for me and take me in your hold,
Oh how you make me warm, when I'm so cold.

Sometimes, I feel you so deep inside,
My feelings I can't hide
I must tell you something else I see,
I really truly honestly believe we were meant to be.

Because when I first saw you
Something felt so right and true.
I can't explain it, no words can describe
Everyday that passes, I'm mesmerized.

When I miss you,
The feelings are so true.
One more thing before I go,
Something else I want you to know,

When I miss you, I miss you near,
I miss you far,
I miss you holding me, as you do,
And most importantly, I love you.



9


Our souls, they mesh,
Like the oceans into the sands.
Grains of pebbles formed to one
By water in our hands.

Fathomless depths, emotion
The swirling tumultuous blue
The ocean, her secrets beautiful,
But we, we have ours too.

The waves so light, into the rocks
And upon the sands they fall
Oh, to see the reflection of the clouds,
And to hear the dolphins call.

They are the reflection of my dreams,
And the song within my mind.
The shells on the sands are memories,
And I yearn for more to find.

So deep goes the sands,
Into the oceans core,
The depths we share together,
So much longer than the shore.

Miles along, my bare feet trod,
Amidst the rocks and shells,
My heart, as the gulls, soars high,
In the music of passing whales.

See how the sands float out on the ocean,
Our souls, they in like combine,
As parts of the ocean stay within the sand,
Traces of ourselves we leave behind.

Our souls are like the oceans and sands,
Even as far in the distance as I can see,
But our souls they have known each other longer,
Through the winding paths of eternity.



10


he way you loved me
Comfort to my soul
Peaches from a tree

The way you loved me
Kisses on the lips
You set my soul free

The way you loved me
Tears dried by your touch
Forever your's I'll always be

Cuz the only thing that will  make me happy
Is the way that you loved me


11


The warm fragrance of your skin,
heats my blood far within.
  Boiling my veins with hand.
My heart is filled with desire.
  Burning my body to the land.
Each thought of you adds to the fire.
  From your fingers flames glow.
They burn fierce as they grow.
  But before long the torch will suffocate.
What happens then is left up to fate.
  Though I know one thing to be true.
After it dies I will still love you.



12


Once I fell so deep in love
I couln't see the heavens above
I fell so deep I couldn't sleep
Until I expreesed my undying love
So here it is in this one short verse
Your love has taken to me like a curse
I don't know how
I don't know why
I just love the way it makes me feel inside


13

We lay upon the midnight moon
Whispering secrets as our passions bloom.
As the cool breeze carries your scent across the land
I stare into your eyes.

As gentle kisses flutter your hand
Our heart beats echoes in rhythm's demand
While love sounds out like an orchestra of romance.
Your soft body melts into me
Creating twin thoughts.

Your fragrance like flowers.
Your beauty well sought.
The moan that's released for once...
A thousand times before.
You say this night forever,
And I forever more.


14


It pours out of me,
these feelings so confusing,
like a child not able to understand
why anyone could be so cruel.

I stand and I fall
alone
waiting for the one
who will hold out their hand

and raise a fallen one
who needs to be lifted back into the light.

Help me out of my blindness,
let me be vunerable
and show me the way
which I have lost.

I need to find the place
where I can be safe,
will you be the one,
are you the one?

One touch to my cheek,
one kiss to my lips,
as my eyes close in trust,
and I will know,

let it be you,
I want it to be you
who will show me
how to love again and

never let me go.



15


My love, can you hear me
softly saying your name in the night?
Can you feel the heartache I feel
without you in my arms?
Only the cool air holds me now.
Alone in the darkness, I lie and wonder.
Your fragrance and form, shadows in my mind.
Only the illumination of a fire
still burns in my heart for you.
I try to comprehend you leaving,
grasping for reasons you did not speak.
Feeling the pain when doors closed,
missing you beside me when I wake,
your angelic face almost hidden from view.
Feeling your gentle touch
reaching for me in your dreams,
the glimpse of your smile in the moonlit night.
I now find myself reaching for you...
feeling the coldness that has taken your place
and an empty place resides in me now.
My love, can you hear me?
Nothing will ever fill the void left by you,
only you!



16


It feels like forever since time has passed
The seconds seem to mean nothing to me anymore
All I care about is having you here by my side

Your warmth places a sudden chill through my body
A longing chill that contains neither any coldness nor desolation
Everything that was once capable of holding onto my happiness escapes
Releasing every drop of ecstasy I had inside

Bringing me to shed a million tears of glee and one smile
I feel your presence inside of me, so warm and innocent
Holding onto you, it?s hard to tell if I?ll let go
Only because, mi amore, my arms are imprisoned around you

I am too weak to slip them away, for they are chained tightly together
Chained, by my own chains of love
The love that I still have for you that blossoms every second
Even in the winter; it is too strong to just wither away

Not even the rays of summer can weaken my love
How can the chains of love tighten anymore
They could break and fall apart into pieces
But they continue to strengthen

With every sample of love you give me each day
The only weakness is that I care too much
Care too deeply for the fact that one day they might break
I look up to you for support

And your eyes tell me everything
They give me the hope I need to believe
Believe that these chains would never break free
The temptation from my swelling of holding onto these chains

This sensation is slowly overwhelming
So, please, take me away from this struggle
And give me one last kiss goodnight
Your love will soothe my endless dreams

As your soul will stay locked up by my chains
My chains that hold onto my love, for you



17

my love for you
it is like the stars
that never seem to run out
you can think you have seen them all but
when you think that you seem to see more
that is like my love for you
it will never end; we have been
this proves in a small way
that my love for you is
eternal



18

On the winds of time I have been searching..
On the winds of time ..all alone..
On the winds of time....passing lovers...
never  meant to be my own.
Do you know the passings of heart break...
To try and try again...
Do you feel the pain of believeing...
only to remember the helplesness again

On the winds of time... no more searching
On the winds of time... me.. I know..
On the winds of time... passing though
the changes...with the years of learned
wisdom I will go...
To understand the reason for living
For love to come and go...
To cherish each as a treasured season
On the winds of time... only time will know
   


19


earth,wind,and fire, you are my heart's desire
when thinking of you, nothing's ever the same
the way you make passionate words roll off my lips
is something no other can do
my heart swims when you're away
and on those days, i pray that youll be back soon
because i love the way you make me feel
the electricity you send down my spine
thoughts of you undo all things unpleasant
it's the way you make me feel
you make my heart wilder and wilder
with each and every touch
i wait for your embrace
for nothing compares to the way you make me feel....