Maria..did love me.
My wife didn't
I don't want to be used....or rejected. So many woman are just not nice at all. They have this sense of entitlement.
I've come to the conclusion that we are all damaged during our childhood in some way. But to blame our parents...only keeps us as victims.
I finally understand now..when my mom kept telling me that family is so important when you get married. You don't only marry the person but you are marrying your partners' family...and all their friends, and entire past life. I thought she was just trying to scar me, but when you think about it. Your world looks and feels a certain way. Then you met and fall in love with someone whole world looks and feels completely different from yours. In the beginning that doesn't matter because the physical sensation of being in love is so great....but then all of sudden, you realize what your partner is the way they are by their family.
It so stupid to think..that if I had this certain person...my life would be great or complete.You should be complete without them.
I guess I didn't love myself enough to leave Melissa, to leave my ex-wife when I knew from their action..they didn't love me. I stayed because I didn't want to be alone....I didn't like being with myself...or maybe that I won't be able to handle life on my own. I didn't think I could handle a house on my own...but I am. I didn't think I can handle problems on my own. My biggest fear is losing everything...my family, my house..my health...and being homeless. It that stupid voice of the ego...that voice that tells me I am ugly..I am nothing. Why do I listen to it? a stupid little voice in my head that tells me....whatever i do..isn't good enough. When I think about it...i probably have had that little voice..my whole life.
It seem that the feeling of fear seem to creep into my life more often than the feeling of love....I need to face it...
"Hello fear...nice to meet you..i am confident in my ability here, so I don't need what you are selling me today."
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