PERSONAL/JOURNAL: I STILL WANT TO FALL IN LOVE

I never thought this whole process would be so hard. You can guess my chagrin when I refer to marriage as a "process". Growing up on heavy doses of romantic movies, There were dreams of finding someone amid picturesque hills and valleys. Unfortunately, in the frantic bid to establish a career and standing on my own feet, a lot of my dreams have met the Grim Reaper; and one of those is that of meeting someone who will steal my heart away, right under my nose. The truth is, between an excrutiatingly busy career and a non existent social life, it has been impossible to meet someone. That is not to say, I have not tried the dating sites promise to find you the "one", but I think most of them are mirages that serve best to keep my hopes of finding a life partner alive but have so far not given me any tangible results.

I used to think finding love would be an easy thing. Think about it. I am a  attractive,  good health, well educated.. a doctor, have a house, car, and a great family.  A lot of girls would love to marry me. Well, I was so wrong. I had the fatally wrong notion that in the  I could snap my fingers and get the girl I want. Anyways, years ago, I gave in to the pressure of my loneiness and got married and realized she never really did love me. I won't ever settle again.

I think it's important to find love. I can't imagine what will replace not doing that, because I've done everything else I've wanted to. I think it's the sense of belonging I hanker after. I finally got to the point where I began to get at least a basic understanding of who I myself am and and the forces that made me what I am, I finally had the experience of meeting someone I loved purely for herself and not through the distorting mirror of my own psyche. For a variety of practical reasons it couldn't last long, but I remember one day in particular when we took a long walk by a river, when I had an overwhelming feeling of completeness, as though I had finally managed to accomplish something Nature had programmed me to do. And I felt very grateful for that experience, in many ways it didn't seem to matter how long it lasted, just to have had that day was everything.

I see lots of ads  where people describe in detail the type of partner they think they are looking for, it makes me sad because when you really love someone it's always a surprise. It could be anyone. For example....my best female friend (total babe) is married to an "ugly" bloke she disliked for weeks when they met at work, would never have dated him but then she left her long term boyfriend to be with him after they got closer and closer. As she said "I started having feelings for him and told myself not to be stupid...he's no Brad Pitt..." So she went from "Yuk" to "He's a good friend - he's alright" to "I really want to have sex with him" to "I want this man to be the one I spend the rest of my life with " in the space of 6 months.


The woman who do respond to me...it seem ... want more pictures...want to met up ASAP without even knowing anything about me...the person inside. They don't care about anything else except for Chemistry. You either have it or not. And I believe that real love takes time...you can't just know with one meeting, but you shouldn't be wasting peoples' times if your heart is close. Love is a choice. You choose to love someone when you're ready for a mature commitment, you want to build a family, and you want to grow together with someone you're compatible with (intellectually, sexually, spiritually, etc.) You get to a point in life when you want and desire a true, deep, meaningful, monogamous relationship that exceeds superficial fantasies. Deep within all of us (or at least I believe so) is an innate hunger to become entangled physically, emotionally, and spiritually with the one person you have decided to unite with in marriage even when all hell feels like is swirling around you.

I do believe in the term the "one". The one emphasizes you are the one I choose to dedicate myself to even when I sometimes feel like there could have been another one. Love/marriage exists when we can honestly say, I don't feel like loving you but I choose to because you are the one I choose to love. Maybe we have some instinct the kick in to tell us, this person is the right one. Maybe the instinct comes from life lessons from our parents or some other life lesson from whoever. And when we make that decision based on our heart, mind, and instinct, we open up and hopefully the other person is equally open to the love. We feel somewhat sure that this person is the one, no one can tell us different (if it's not the one, we have to find that out somehow). If it don't work we feel bad about it, lick our wounds, and start over again. If it does work, we act right and hope the other wants to act right too


 I want to meet someone.

Those five words lingered in my head, even as I tried to ignore that they were there. I distracted myself with thoughts of other things and by making to-do lists in my head. I pretended this desire wasn’t bubbling beneath me. couldn’t stop the message my heart sent to my mind.

I want to meet someone.Though powerful and constant — it’s not a helpless feeling or a dissatisfied longing. It’s different than it was years ago. I don’t feel like something is missing or part of me is still void — I’m not lusting after every woman. I feel no rush and no pressure, no need to speed along a road that I’m not sure how to navigate yet. I don’t believe it’s impossible to find happiness and I do believe I’m meant for a marriage– and still. Still – after (many) failed relationships, and one failed marriage I still want it.

I still want to fall in love.

But the craving has changed. It’s not wistful and romantic (well, only a little). I’m not looking to be completed. I’m not hoping to make a married woman out of a woman doesn’t even know how to love, is selfish or is totally emotionally unavailable. I’m not making myself something I’m not so I can be granted the so-called coveted title of boyfriend to just get sex

Instead– I want to meet someone… like me?

Someone with a heart that often feels too big for her chest. Someone who can see the good – the possible — in every part of her life, and especially with me. With us. Someone who captivates me, pulls me close and lets me fly. I want to meet someone who accepts herself and does what she can to understand the world. Someone who likes to read and run, travel and learn — explore and make mistakes, dream and slow down. Someone who makes me want to be a better me and be part of a better we than she has before. I want to meet someone who knows how to love– who wants love– who may be afraid of it, but tries it anyway. Who knows how important it is. Someone who has goals for herself and plans she will break for the right thing, the right person, the right place – the right time. Someone who is happy with the someone and the something and the somewhere she is.

I want to meet someone who likes the way the world rests on Sundays and how it’s the perfect day to wake up late, make love and eat pancakes. Someone who wants a family just as much as they want an amazing, fulfilling career, and knows you’ll never be able to be perfect at either. I want to meet who has her act together like I do. Someone who wants to try new things but also likes to be a regular at places she can’t and won’t stop going to. Someone who knows how to kiss h and knows that love isn’t always enough– but it’s always worth whatever it brings or makes you learn.

I want to meet someone who challenges me and yet, makes me feel comfortable in my sweat pants, without any hesitations. Someone who wants to know what I know, who wants to see the town I grew up in. Who can’t wait to be friends with my sisters and or go on a walk with my mom. Someone who comes from a place I admire and has a laugh I long to hear. Touch I want to feel. I want to meet someone who is strong enough to stand next to me and sweet enough to let me fall into her when I need it. Or even when I don’t, but want it. Someone who remembers the things I say and can hear the things I don’t, someone who will be there today, tomorrow – always. I want to meet someone who wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but here, with me.

I want to meet someone.

Someone out there in this big world, living on some street I’ve crossed a million times, taking some train at the same time, thinking about when she would meet… someone like me.