LOVE: A BOOTY CALL WITH A FRIEND OR FINDING TRUE LOVE>> YOU DECIDE

"hooking Up" - "friends with benefits" - "booty call"

These terms have become all too familiar in today's dating world. Are they words that you can relate to? Have you lived them in some way? If so, how have you felt about the experience(s) both during and after? Chances are that you have mixed feelings at best. Depending on your age and sex, you may give a somewhat different response to this question. Whatever your answer, a close look at this "dating experience" that impacts so many singles in so many ways may be useful to you as you think about what your long-term relationship goals are and what you REALLY want from a relationship.

So what exactly do these terms mean?

"Hooking up" is getting together for sex. There is generally no formal "date" involved.

"Friends with benefits" usually refers to two people who are "friends" who also have sex together. Again, there's a distinction between what they share and "dating".

"Booty call" usually describes the act of a man (woman) calling up another person to come over for sex. The sex doesn't follow dinner, a movie or other "quality" time together, getting to really know each other. It's physical.

Do you define this activity (even loosely) as dating? Has this become a new intimacy for some or many of you? If so, it's important to look at how/if it meets your needs and if it aligns with your basic values and relationship wants and goals.

Begin by asking yourself some core questions, such as:

Am I comfortable with intimacy?

Am I comfortable with a purely physical relationship?

Am I able to be physically involved with someone while remaining emotionally detached?

How do I feel about myself when I engage in this behavior?

Am I doing this to please someone or win his or her affection?

Is monogamy and marriage my goal?

If your answers reflect discordance between how you feel and what you do; it would be helpful to understand the reasons behind your behavior. Do any of these sound familiar?

"It's convenient"

"It's easy"

"It's safe"

"It requires no commitment on my part"

In addition to these explanations, some singles express a belief that "everyone does it" or "it's expected". Therefore, they often report engaging in it, but not feeling really ok or satisfied afterwards. Others use it as a substitute for real intimacy, referencing their difficulties in meeting and dating in general.

Then there are the people who have sex hoping it will lead to love. This too is a desire for intimacy that can lead to sadness and disappointment and the possibility of contacting a dangerous and life-altering infection. It reminds me of the line in a song, "if I can love you good enough on the outside to make you feel it on the inside, then maybe you will stay..."

Once you have determined what you really want from a relationship you can begin to make clear, thought out choices that will open the path that points in the direction you wish to go. Until you do so, you face the possibility of more disappointing and short-lived encounters that leave you feeling more alone and less hopeful about the possibility for lasting happy love.

LOVE: AM I TOO PICKY IN LOOKING FOR MR. RIGHT?- A FAN ASK?

here are so many "wonderful and nice" people in dating pool. And I wonder why I haven't falling in love with these "super nice" people. I beat myself up because I'm passing through the many people like water that are presented to them.


MY ANSWER
Most people think THEY ARE DIFFERENT. THEY ARE SPECIAL. AND THEY WON'T BE SATISFIED WITH JUST THE AVERAGE OL' JOE.

Most people just don't have the time OR WANT to grow themselves. They are content with who they are. They are content with what they've been given in life. They're in the same job that they'll have forever. They don't need to stretch. They don't need to learn. They are fine how they are.

We all know people like this! They make nice friends. They are predictable. They are usually reliable. They're usually available. Nothing changes. Not their tastes, not their attitudes (for better or for worse) and not their circumstances.

You my fan are like me....a person who seek growth opportunity and ways to stretch. That's why we won't be satisfied with just a "nice guy. Or a super nice gal." It won't CHALLENGE them. They won't look up to them. They won't have the respect that one desires in a committed relationship.

When dating we all too often settle for someone that is not quite right. Why should we ever settle for something that isn't quite right, especially when it comes to person that you hope to have an intimate relationship with? It may be ok to settle for a hamburger when you really want a steak, but when you're dating; you're talking about a relationship that is vital to you as a person. Why not define what you want before hand and then let potential dates match up to your standards?

One of the key components in dating and finding someone you want is first knowing what you want. For example think of the last time you really craved say something as simple as ice cream. You might have known the flavor you wanted, you might have known what type of ice cream you wanted. Let's say your craving dark chocolate ice cream, and well someone offers you a vanilla pudding cup. Is that vanilla pudding cup going to cure that craving? It's not likely. Would a chocolate pudding cup quench that hunger, most likely not?

The best thing you can do in finding the right person is knowing yourself, and what you really want. You need to take that time out to fully understand your desires before you can translate that into the relationships that you are looking for. For example, if you really want a person with a spiritual side, you better disclose that just like you would when you say what type of movies you like. If you fail to express this, you will either set yourself up for failure because that other person will not have those qualities, or that it's likely you will be matched to the wrong person.

Do not think that I am advocating a super critical list that only allows for exacting standards. What I am advocating if for you to take time out and to learn from your past mistakes, and dig into why your past relationships failed. That does require some homework on your part. You need to take the time out to see where you looking for someone that was Christian, more loving, someone that was naturally into the arts. One thing is certain you can't go into a relationship thinking you can change that other person, you can only change yourself.

So, why settle? You shouldn't. Know yourself well enough to know what you really want out of a relationship. The dating stage should be fun, and exciting.

You should learn new things about that other person, and enjoy their company; it shouldn't be about struggling to make this other person fit into our mold. One thing we can do is to take time out and look at our past relationships, and see what worked for us, and what didn't, this may help you to decide what you are really looking for. The point to make clear is that you should never settle!

LOVE: WHAT WOMAN WANT IS THE TRUMP ATTRIBUTE

I am now going to reveal to you what women want, have always wanted and will always be looking for in any man with whom they become intimate. It is a "Trump" attribute, which means that its presence is a more powerful influence than others and can tip the scales of emotional acceptance in your favor immediately. Be advised that I will be dealing with a monumental but accurate generalization which is not meant to apply to every female who ever lived. I bow to the variability within and between the sexes. Nonetheless, you will see that my assertion has the undeniable thud of the obvious. If you feel the cold chill of disbelief or the fever of indignation rising in you at these words, please consult with Woody Allen, a cunning expert at attracting beautiful talented women on the sheer force of this "Trump" attribute which draws women like . . . migrating butterflies. What women want from men is confidence. The Trump is Personal Confidence. Confidence . . . not arrogance, not dominance, not one-upsmanship, not useless bravado, not macho heroics. Women just love truly confident men. Now as you know, confidence is an attitude thing. In particular, male confidence frequently manifests as an "I-can-handle-it attitude". This does not mean that feelings are denied. It doesn't imply an absence of doubt, fear, or vulnerability. A delusion of total self sufficiency is not required. Confidence simply says: "I can deal with it . . . somehow . . . well at least I'll do my best". The attitude of confidence doesn't even have to be constant, just generally present in the face of most life challenges. For hundreds of thousands of years of human development, a confident attitude was much easier for men to gain and display than it is now because it was required for survival. There was hardly any choice. Until recently, the demands of physical survival were the primary issue in pair-bonding and confidence-building roles for both sexes directly related to survival were far more apparent. I am not talking about survival in extraordinary circumstances, either. It could be as basic as steadfastness in getting the crops in out of the rain. In the smaller communities in which we used to live, everyone could see the skilled hunter, the dedicated farmer and stockman, the courageous protector, the skilled artisan, the accomplished leader, the sage teacher, the men who didn't give up in the face of threatening set-backs. Why hell! There have been times and cultures where a women wouldn't even consider a man who couldn't claim to be a good carpenter or a competent dirt mover. These roles, decreed by harsher realities of life than most of us now experience, were obvious advertisements for male virtue, i.e., "I can handle it". Unfortunately, the signs indicative of genuine masculine confidence are confusing today and gender roles are a chaotic mess. The external demonstrations of natural confidence have become confused with the poor substitute of consumer status symbols. But . . . women instinctually look for clues to a man's level of confidence . . . and test it to the limit . . . but not in the old-fashioned way. Now for the good news! Since confidence is primarily an attitude toward meeting life challenges of all kinds - and there's no shortage of challenges in the world - the essential attitude can still be cultivated and demonstrated. But it cannot be faked with money, looks, or possessions. Willingness to face important struggles is still the ultimate key to a woman's respect. In contemporary times, a man may express this dynamic in many conventional ways. He can show his confidence integrity through competence in his work, education, sports, hobbies, child rearing, or doing home improvements. Actually, we can include here any thing which involves mastering a new learning curve and overcoming ego uncertainties. Now, if a man really wants to do some crash confidence building these days, he can try still the old-fashioned approach - and many do so. He can expose himself to more risks and bigger risks: jump out of a few airplanes, compete at martial arts, skiboard off of snowy mountains, lift weights, climb sheer cliffs with only the strength of his fingertips for security, take on dangerous political controversies, start an unusual new business with more enthusiasm than capital, confront and influence provocative teenagers, or spend days in the wilderness with only his tom-tom for company. But we all know perfectly well that these are methods not character outcomes. It is not the specific activity that matters, what matters is what goes on in the man's head that makes him feel some sense of Mastery. Or a man can cut to the bottom line, avoid physically and financially dangerous experiences, and go for The Really Big Risk . . . the ultimate emotional challenge. He can work directly at becoming more confident with women themselves. That's riskier than cliff climbing, anyway! Although a woman likes to believe a man is willing to deal with a lot of things, what really counts is that he is able to deal with her. A healthy, mature woman resists impassioned commitment to a man who is afraid of her sexuality, her intelligence, or her emotions. Gentlemen, the Everest you need to climb in order to draw the Confidence Trump in Love isn't a mountain, it's a strong, emotionally healthy female. This means gaining confidence and empathy (unavoidably stuck together) in approaching and relating to women on many levels, in the face of rejections real or imagined. And since this is the riskiest venture of all, the pay-off is, appropriately, the biggest: the devotion of a loving woman who can make your life extremely pleasant on a daily basis. Confidence with women in general - beautiful, plain, smart, nice, mean, old, young - every kind of woman - is an unavoidable social skill which can and must be learned if what you want is the greatest intimate relationship of your life.

LOVE: DO MEN WANT A CLASSY WOMAN OR SLUTTY WOMAN

Ladies, this one is for you. Your mother always told you "Don't give away the farm." Yet men have been saying, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"It's a paradox; women think they need to put out, or they'll lose their man. Men don't want a woman who puts out; at least not long term they don't. Are you the type of woman who men take home to bed; or the type who men take home to meet Mom?

A classy woman is intriguing, mysterious and alluring. Her appearance and the way she carries herself can be very appealing. Ladies wise up! If you don't understand why you keep attracting the wrong men, it's because your standards are too low. Almost every man I know who is married or in a relationship is with someone classy...but here come the problem....Almost every man I know who is married or in a relationship is cheating with a slutty girl. 

My advice is to be both..slutty/classy. Classy at work or meeting up with friends or family, but total slut when you are with your man. Decide today that you will openly discuss sex or make comments of a sexual nature with men. Leave very little to the imagination ...SHOW IT ALL. I know it goes to against everything your mother or even society tell you, but the main reason men cheat is that they are not getting the sex they want from their partner and someone else will give it to them. Beacause ..deep down in every man.....he desire a total slutty....not a classy woman. A classy woman is a dime a dozen.

LOVE: SELF-LOVE ATTRACTS LOVE LIKE A MAGNET

You've hung out in bars, you've answered the personals, you've maxed out the plastic trolling online dating sites, and you still haven't met the right person. Or, you've ended up dating a series of potential perfect matches, only to be disappointed. Why are your friends able to hook up, but you're always left high and dry? Have all the good single people slid off the Earth?

Listen, if you continually date people who suddenly stop calling, who turn out to have some type of social tic like complaining incessantly or being mean to waiters, who never stop talking about themselves, who are incapable of telling the truth, you have a problem. And the problem is you.

Yes, you.

If you want to attract a good, fun, and genuine person who will love you and make you happy, then you must love yourself and make yourself happy first. If you usually end up dating losers, you are clearly short in the self-love department. You see, according to the Law of Attraction, like attracts like. So if you don't love yourself adequately, you will attract people who hurt or disappoint you. Always.

Think this is a bunch of hooey, do you? Well, give it a chance and your life will change. I want you to go to the bathroom right now, go to the mirror and look yourself in the eye, and say, "I approve of myself." Say, "I love myself unconditionally."

Oooh, doesn't that feel weird? Doesn't it feel creepy?

Of course it does. Most of us haven't been raised to love and approve of ourselves. We have no problem looking in the mirror and telling ourselves that we're hopelessly bald or that our stomachs jiggle. Self-hatred is perfectly acceptable. Looking in the mirror and saying, "I approve of myself, and I love myself unconditionally" is weird. And scary.

But I want you to keep it up. I want you to get behind the wheel of your car tomorrow, and instead of speed dialing some chum while you're flying down the parkway, say "I approve of myself" out loud again and again and again. Say it one thousand times. Say it at home while you're doing the laundry. Say it when you're cooking dinner (or peeling it out of a paper bag).

After a couple of weeks, your subconscious will accept the fact that you truly love and approve of yourself. And guess what? You will attract better friends, better jobs, better circumstances, and yes, much better dates. Your posture will improve, too.

You will find that you attract people who are more reliable and less neurotic. "Good" single people will seem to come out of the woodwork. You will not have to work so hard to get a second date or to maintain a relationship. People will want to be with you because you feel good about yourself.

Self-love attracts love like a magnet. Go for it.

LOVE: WOMAN JUST DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX AND THAT IS THE BIGGEST PROBLEM WITH EVERYTHING IN RELATIONSHIP PERIOD

If you're truly a good-looking woman, who's busty, professional, with a big butt, and up for almost anything then the fault is yours alone. I'd do you, and most of my friends would do you too. But being a girl is so very hard. You want to get laid, but you complicate things with history and emotion. If you make him shower and make him wear a condom you have eliminated 95% of the threat to yourself. If you carry a gun or a serrated knife then you've cut the remaining threat 5% down to 2%. So there you are, 98% sure he's safe enough to screw. And statistically speaking, most guys are clean and most guys are safe. Just like most guys� just want to screw. We like women who like us. If you give it to us we'll gratefully take it.

So what's stopping you? You're a girl. You have to talk to him. Have to. Genetic compulsion. If you don't talk to him then you'd be a guy. Guys don't talk to the hamburger they eat. If you're horny then screw. If you're thirsty then drink. You have to know if he can form sentences like an English teacher, because if he can't talk then he can't screw. At least that's what girls think. You have to know that he has a job, or is looking for a job. You have to know that he lives on his own or he's had a bad setback and is only living at home recently and temporarily because if he's not ambitious then he can't screw.

My point is that women don't want sex. Why is the dog getting laid more than you? Because the dog wants to get laid. Women don�t want to get laid. If they did, they would. Women want safety and security and comfort and dependability. Women want a shoulder to lean on, a chest to cry on, a lap to sit on, and someone to count on. Women want to cuddle and talk and share secrets. Women want to go out and be out and stay out. Women want to see a great show, have a great meal, and dance at a great club. Women like dressing up and being seen, but when they stay in women like foreplay. Sex is like dessert, but foreplay is the true meal, the reason you came, the entr�e, and the most fulfilling part of the dinner. Women can orgasm standing in the supermarket checkout line. They don't need men for orgasm. They have better toys then men do, trust me. Women don't want sex. Women want to make a deep quality connection with someone who will listen and respect them until death they do part, except when Patrick Swayze haunted Demi Moore. Even death can't keep them apart. How romantic is that?

Most men are like dogs. We can be your best friends and we're loyal to who feeds us best. We're trainable, if you take the time to train us, but when it's time to mate, then mate. Don't have a headache, and don't plan a special vacation to Vermont next month. Step up or step back and let some other woman try. I know this is wholly unattractive now, but why would I cheat if you were giving me sex when I wanted it? Everything can't be blamed on women, but men don't complicate sex with feelings. We just want to get laid. Just like dogs.


Well, I gotta be back to work. I hope this was more educational than funny.

LOVE: TELL ME WHAT A MAN FINDS SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE AND I WILL TELL YOU HIS ENTIRE PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE

Ayn Rand was a truly interesting woman. I watched a movie about her life, and Eric Stoltz played Nathan - it was a sexy movie. Rand offered one of my all time favorite - if not poignant quotes when she said, *Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life.* It's completely true - that's basically the key to it all - what we are fueled by compulsion, the labels and criteria we point to that we perceive in others and generally are polar traits we are compelled to integrate in ourselves, and a lot of what I went into on the - our ideals....such as the example (however general it was for the seduction subject) of seeing a woman and thinking she's sexy because she's "confident" and "funny" or because she's "outgoing and capable" - when set against our own natures, superficially will be familiar in similarity but most people who are gripped by sexual compulsion will always find that those qualities are what they're seeking within themselves....so it's basically making our relationships proxy infusions, if X person with X perfection criteria wants us, then they will balance us out by their presence...and that's the real reason we lock onto people and "need" them to be with us, want us, validate us - and why we can't let go or lose the love game - it threatens the core urge that we will remain incomplete. 

But it's the pushing and clinging and needing that creates threatening behavior that destroys our relationships and reinforces the paradigms and keeps us from seeing that we formed an ego attchment to an ideal - and not a true love bond with another person. Until we learn this and integrate our own wholeness, all our relationships amount to little more than chasing ideal qualities in other people, and not necessarily the people themselves - tho we always swear that no, it's the person we crave.

We always learn the hard way that it's not possible for someone else to provide us with the X criteria by their presence....and the nature of the relationships themselves will shift and the X criteria becomes the very source or issue that leads us out of symbiotic attachment to an external source for balance, and into an internal integration of the qualities within...and when that happens, resolution happens, and the dynamic resolves and we can finally "move on to the next one" and *OMG! I've never felt this way for anyone before* ourselves into a new level of integration toward conscious evolution and actualization of who we are in completeness, where each of our relationships (by design) will move us into wholeness so we can finally form genuine love connections and healthy bonds, instead of emotional dependence on ideas - which is all it amounts to until we learn the punchline.

LOVE: A FAN RESPONSE TO "WHY SOME WOMAN ARE SO PICKY."

We all know at least one single woman who is looking for Mr. Right. She may even be at the point where she is seeking desperately because she is lonely, all of her friends are getting married and she feels left out, or her biological clock is ticking and she yearns to hear the pitter patter of little feet. Is the reason she is still alone really because all men are dogs, all the good men are taken or the rest are gay or on the DL? Perhaps it’s because she is too picky? If her suitors have to have GQ Magazine looks, a Harvard degree, a BMW, a diversified stock portfolio and a six-figure salary I think it’s pretty safe to assume the answer is yes? We all want an attractive man that can take care of us financially, but some of our demands may be the reasons many women still can’t find a man. I decided to do a potential mate examination of myself and two other eligible females. I examined our assets, past dating experiences and then asked if we are indeed too picky.
First there’s Jalona, age 27. She’s attractive, gainfully employed as an information technology specialist and the owner of a small Internet company, her home and some rental property. She is also very active in her church. Now, Jalona has no problem attracting a man, but they seem to be intimidated by her beauty and success, unfaithful, a hypocrite, consumed with their career, or married. Here is what she had to say when asked if she was too picky.

“Am I picky? Yes, and this is probably the reason I haven't found Mr. Right? Just being honest with myself, in the past a large part of who I chose to date was determined by if they were cute, tall or if they drove a nice car. However, there is a distinct difference between being picky and having standards. We all have standards that we require because we know ourselves and the characteristics a man must possess in order for us to truly be happy. There are several good men out there. We've just been tricked by the enemy (media and our unhappy girlfriends) into thinking that if he isn't a Denzel look-a-like, he's not worth our time. This is often the case with women who are attractive, successful, or who have dated those types of men in the past. People expect us to date a "fine brotha", a "baller" or someone who is just as attractive as we are. The beauty of growing up is realizing that all those superfluous things fade away with time. A person's wonderful personality, good heart and good intentions toward you tend to stay and only get better with time. These days I’m looking for an educated, well-rounded man who respects me. He must also be outgoing, open minded, willing to try anything once and possess a sense of humor.”
Next there’s Tasha. She’ s 36 years old, five-nine and fabulous. In addition to having a successful career as a corporate attorney she volunteers with abused women. In my opinion, she’s every man’s dream: beauty, brains, great sense of humor and wealthy. Her dating journal includes an overly jealous NFL player, a lawyer who attempted to sleep with her friend and then lied about it, and a Fortune 500 business owner who tried to tape her during sex without asking her permission first. She is currently single, but doesn’t mind too much because her job keeps her extremely busy. Tasha’s wish list includes handsome, kind, hard-working, rich, well-rounded, articulate and great in bed. “If you can’t speak the king’s English and rock my universe, don’t even try to speak to me!” she exclaims. He must also enjoy cultural and high society events. Country, ghetto or “50 Cents” in training need not apply. So I asked her, “Why can’t you find a man? Are you too picky?”
“I must admit that I am, but it’s because of the type of life I want. I live a lavish lifestyle filled with the finer things and I need someone who can appreciate and provide that. I want a life comparable to Russell and Kimora Lee Simmons. I realize I’m not getting any younger, and I meet men that fit the description of what I’m looking for in my business dealings all the time. Unfortunately, most of them are looking for a new toy or a subservient woman that will cater to them. I’m a strong black woman that is looking for a serious relationship and I don’t need a man to tell me what to do. I need a man to love me,” says Tasha.
Last, but not least, there’s me. My name is Jae and I am over 25. I think I’m fairly attractive….skinny but attractive. I don’t make a lot of money, so I don’t require my man to make a lot of money. However, I do expect him to currently be doing the same thing I am…planting career seeds, so I can reap the financial harvest later. Most importantly, I am SAVED and I strive daily to act like it. Don’t get me wrong I mess up, but when I do I get back up and try to do better. I don’t think all men are dogs, although I have dated a confused, pathological liar, a fornicating preacher, an immature baller, and a man with some serious insecurity issues. I also dated two men that treated me like God’s gift to the earth, but they just weren’t the one that I’m destined to spend the rest of my life with.

My male suitor must haves are: SAVED, hard-working, goal-oriented, honest, intelligent, good sense of humor, attractive to me with a gorgeous smile, physically fit, gainfully employed and able to hold an intelligent conversation.

Am I too picky? The answer would depend on your thought process. I am looking for a saved man that acts like it and that immediately raises the bar. He has to realize what a jewel having a woman who is actively seeking God truly is. I’ve done the “well he’s a nice guy so maybe I can persuade him to give his life to Christ thing”. It doesn’t work. One of us will be unhappy because the other person wants something he or she isn’t willing to give or give up. He has to be pursuing a relationship with Christ for himself and looking for a woman of virtue. So yeah…..I guess I am picky but for all the right reasons. I’ll stay single until the good Lord sees fit to send my Boaz. (Read the book of Ruth (in the Bible) to find out more about Boaz.)

In conclusion….

Yes, women are picky but when you are looking for someone to share your all with shouldn’t you be? Yes, some women go overboard and if they don’t stop dreaming those women will either end up with someone that doesn’t really make them happy or they will remain alone. Now ladies you must be realistic in your list of demands and make sure you are in line with what you are asking for. You don’t want a broke man with no ambition, so what makes you think a man wants a broke woman who expects a man to pay all her bills? You want a man with high morals, but are you one of those women who will do anything to get a man? A self-examination is always in order.

Brothers complain that women want too much. But there are plenty of us who realize that our prince charming may bear a resemblance to a toad and drive a 1985 Camry. We also realize that we are not perfect and neither are men. Don’t worry fellas a good woman will recognize your potential and she’ll stand by her man. Don’t waste your time on those that don’t. However, I don’t think asking a man to bring a great personality, the ability to treat a woman like a queen and a few dollars to help secure our financial stability is asking too much. As the song goes, “I can do bad by myself. I don’t need no help to starve to deat

LOVE: IF YOU CAN FIND THAT 80% FIT......

When you go into relationships...you have to go in with your eyes wide open. They say that nine out of ten business fail in the first year for two reasons:
-underestimating the commitment it takes
-the capital it requires

With marriage, it's the same think. When you're merging two lives, there's going to be a pretty constant pain of adjustment no matter who well suited you are. You're sharing space, time, energy, and money. You're got in-laws, kids, religion---all of these real-world issues--that you have to consult each other about. And you go. Marriage is not a long date. It's a partnership. Partnership involves give-and-take and sacrifice. 

Many people say that when it comes to marriage, they're seeking nothing less than soulmate. But what is a soulmate? It't just a term someone made up, and with it come some pretty mystical expectations. I've long believed that if you're looking for the perfect partner you're making a big mistake. If you can find 80% percent fit and hope that you'll grow together on the other 20 percent, you'll find happiness a lot quicker. You wait for a 100 percent partner and you're going to be looking a long time, maybe forever. But if you're okay on the core issues--children, careers, division of labor, handing in laws, sex....then you jump in and handle the other things as they come along. 

I believe in the four season rule. You should never marry anybody until you've seen each other miserable sick with the flu. A year.

Physical attraction I think shouldn't play a large role. Men fall in love with their eyes and woman fall in love with their ears. Beauty does hook a guy first, and I think this is genetic--men, we're hunters, watching for movement and color. I think that;s why guys are so fast with the remote control. But physical attraction won't sustain a relationship. What will sustain a relationship is personality: the spirit, the compatiblitiy, the commplementary nature between a man and a woman.

Love requires connection between lover and beloved, and empathy is the quiet miracle by which this connection is forged. When you share other's suffering, you also share their experience of receiving your gift--the gift of being accompanied into grief or anguish rather than bearing it alone.

LOVE: THE INEXORABLY TOWARD UNION......LOVE

Love is not just hearts and flowers --thought it is that too. Love is essentially a raging torrent rushing inexorably toward union. That is why most people don't understand my need for sex...the inexorably to finding oneness.A river tumbling irresistibly toward the ocean, the ocean sweeping up into the river mouth in its high tide. Love is usually very messy, very troublesome, very dangerous, very consuming...have you not see my website? It is no so much the desire to possess as the desire to be possessed. 

Did God really want to compare Himself to the hunger of man and woman for one another, a hunger which in its pervasiveness is unique among the species about which we know? A hunger which cause all kinds of trouble in the human conditions. A hunger which causes all kinds of trouble in the human condition? We are a species endowed with a very unique kind of sexuality, one oriented not merely, and not even principally, toward reproduction but toward bonding. I want to bond.

If love is a torrential force toward a union that bonds, it will bring sustained happiness only when it is focused, disciplined, intent, experienced, mature, patient, kind, and all those other nice things

LOVE: LOVE IS NOT A PRIORITY...TO MOST PEOPLE

How is it that two people fall in love? What is it that make the stranger across the crowded room set a person's heart aflutter? What happens to move two people, who have been in the ring's opposite corners, suddenly to embrace rather that begins the fight? How do two young people remain staunch in their commitment despite strong familial and societal oppositions? What happens to make the carefree "I want no commitments" person start thinking about being true to a love?

Most people love is not a priority, though it may be hoped that it will develop between the partners. Falling in love, at whatever age and no matter how many times, is a powerful example of how love moves us out of ourselves into a hoped-for union with another. Despite all the obstacles, falling in love in wonderful. It's also a roller-coaster ride of ups and downs, moments of certainty assailed by periodic concerns, putting yourself on the line with the hopes, oftens with little evidence, that the other feels the same about you.

LOVE: ECTASY OR AGONY OF FALLING IN LOVE

We are never prepared for either the ecstasy or agony of falling in love. Questions about ourselves and about the one we love quickly bring us down from the initial walking-on- air feeling of falling in love. The desire to be with our beloved all of the time and the reality of our individual lives cause us to rile at the unfairness
of life. Uncertainty about the beloved's true feeling surface. Concerns arise about our ability to make commitment to follow our avowed desire to be with the other all of the time. No one ever said falling in love is easy. However, they do say that it is wonderful.

To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception; it is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation, either in time or in eternity.

LOVE: KNOW WHAT YOUR PARTNER'S NEED ARE AND STRIVE TO FULFILL THEM

For two people to be happy together, they have to feel their needs are being met. But there's not a soul on earth who can meet your needs if you don't know what they are. Getting to know them is a crucial step to giving your partner a fair shot at loving you the way you want to be loved.You can be intimate with someone only when you share that side of yourself, when you are both willing to say, " I love you enought to let you in. I am entrusting you with the most fragile part of my soul. It's one of the most scariest and most difficult things you'll ever do, because it leaves you completely vulnerable. You have to be ready to reveal your most private thoughts, what scares you, what your hopes and dreams are for yourself and your relationship.

Your partner can't read your mind. Until you can be clear about what you want, you make it difficult for him or her to love you. He's left guessing or lost---not an effective strategy for a good relationship. You must tell your partner that a part of you assumes that those you love will leave. Tell him or her what you need in order to be convinced that he or she has no intention of disappearing. 

When you learn your partner's needs ...you must strive to fulfill them. Here is the hardest part of being in a relationship and were most people fail to do. I personally have sexual needs, emotionally need that I need to be fulfilled. Most people just don't want to do it because it might go against what they think, or their boundaries...or whatever. Love is a verb. You must show your love..meaning exploring the little things you can do to improve each other's lives. Ask yourself how you can make his day better. Is there some way you can help him decompress? Simply holding your love in your heart is not enough. Acts of kindness, affection, and support accumulate across time to create positive.

To me physical intimacy is crucial part of any relationship. Most people let it fall off their TO-DO LIST. But you need to prevent day-today- life from crowding sex out. Either you're going to do what it takes to mesh with your man or you won't

LOVE: WHAT MAKE A GOOD GIRLFRIEND AND WIFE

10. She’s independent 

No one wants a girlfriend they have to baby-sit. Once in a while, like if she’s had a rough day at work, it’s great to be her shoulder to cry on, but if she can’t seem to function without you and is constantly after you, she will eventually make you feel like you’re suffocating, which is a surefire way to get you running out the nearest exit. On the other hand, if she has her very own personality and opinions, can stand on her own two feet, both financially and emotionally, and is able to enjoy time away from you - while still missing you, of course - then she must be a great girlfriend. 

9. She’s intelligent 

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the bimbo routine gets real old, real fast. Instead of being the one in total control, you’ll find yourself trying to figure out what she’s really thinking behind those glazed eyes of hers - or if she’s actually thinking at all. An intelligent woman will constantly surprise you and keep you on your toes. She won’t let you get bored of her. Besides, it’s nice to have something to talk about between all that chandelier-hanging sex. 

8. She’s sexual 

While we’re on the topic, a great girlfriend has to be sexually compatible with you. For instance, if you’re into S&M and she’s more the “fluffy lingerie” type, that’s a problem. The two of you have to be on the same page - or, at least, she has to be willing to wear leather and use a whip from time to time. Of course, this doesn’t imply that she has to know all the right moves straight away; it simply means that you and she have an undeniable attraction toward each other, and are able to communicate your desires verbally (or with physical cues). It is important that you please each other in the bedroom, or on top of the dryer - whatever the case may be. 

7. She’s beautiful 

I know, this one is kind of obvious, but important nonetheless. A great girlfriend will not only want to look good for you, but also for herself. She should always look her best and be well put together - matching lingerie is a definite plus. You have to be proud to have her on your arm and enjoy the sight of her in any light. And this doesn’t mean that she has to be a Heidi Klum clone. Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so if you think her full bottom or uncontrollable curls are beautiful, you’re allowed. 

6. She respects you 

This is a biggie. Your woman must respect you. This means that she listens to you, even if she doesn’t necessarily agree with what you’re saying. And, of course, she never tries to demean or belittle you in any way, shape or form. A great girlfriend won’t ever cause scenes in public or in front of your friends and family, and will always wait to discuss matters with you in private. If she respects you, chances are that she will behave in a tactful and diplomatic manner in most situations, which is definitely a good thing. 

5. She lets you be a man 

Do not - I repeat - do not get involved with a woman who tries to get you to eat cottage cheese and fruit for breakfast and insists that you give up poker night with the guys. You will end up resenting her more than you can imagine. A good girlfriend lets you be a guy in all your glory, poker night and all. If she’s a great girlfriend, she’ll even bring you and your buddies a couple of beers and make you some of her famous sandwiches. She has to understand that men and women are different and should allow you to be yourself. Just like you wouldn’t deprive her of going shopping with her best girlfriend, she shouldn’t expect you to give up the guys for her. 

4. She’s nagless 

There is nothing worse than a nag! A great girlfriend knows this and chooses her battles wisely. She knows when to speak up and when to let it slide. You don’t want a girlfriend who will give you hell for leaving a couple of dishes in the sink occasionally. However, if you live together and you stay out all night without calling her, and she lets you have it, then you’re setting yourself up for disaster. This is a situation that nobody would let slide - not even a great girlfriend. 

3. She gets along with friends and family 

A great girlfriend will not only help your mom in the kitchen, listen to your dad’s stories and hang out with your friends, but she will enjoy it. She’ll make a real effort to get to know and love the most important people in your life. And she won’t try to get you to ditch your best buds. She’ll actually empathize with your brother’s getting dumped and suggest that you guys take him out to cheer him up. Not only that, but your friends won’t roll their eyes and moan when you mention that she’ll be joining you guys when she gets off work (yes, women like this do exist). 

2. She loves you 

If you have found a woman who loves you for who you really are and not who you pretend or try to be sometimes, you should definitely hang on to her. A woman who doesn’t try to change you is hard to find. Of course, all women have their slightly annoying habits that their mate has to contend with, but if she really loves you, she will be able to cope with these. Another way to know if she really loves you is by observing the way she looks at you and treats you on an everyday basis. If the sight of you doesn’t seem to faze her either way, and she doesn’t really seem to care about what you have to say, she’s either playing very hard to get, or sees you as just some guy. But if a surprise visit or phone call from you makes her light up, there’s no denying that she loves you. 

1. She makes you want to be a better man 

Stop making that face… any man who has a great girlfriend or wife will tell you that she makes him want to be a better man. She doesn’t have to say or do anything; it just is that way. If you suddenly feel bad about how you treated your sister or find yourself trying to get your finances in order, you might want to think about your motivation for doing so. It could be love

LOVE: WHAT IS LOVE

WHAT IS LOVE?

Love is a feeling. A more specific delineation of that feeling cannot be given so simply & easily.

People may say that they love food, love traveling, love toys or love dancing. I do believe that our strongest positive feelings about objects & activities contain many of the same elements found in all forms of love. Love of country or community adds elements of loyalty, pride of membership or common cause. Love for animals, co-workers, children, friends and non-spousal family members add elements of personal relationship and reciprocity of feeling. I am choosing to focus my attention on what is usually called romantic love -- the main subject of a significant portion of popular music.

Romantic love (which I will usually abbreviate to "love") drives exclusive relationships. Because love is a feeling there is no guarantee of reciprocity. Unrequited love is commonplace. Moreover, simply because love drives and is most frequently expressed in exclusive relationships does not necessarily mean that it is always expressed in exclusive relationships. One can be in the formative and/or terminal stages of romantic love with more than one person. And some people seem to be able to have more than one "significant other", although qualitative & quantitative equality of feeling is not possible. I believe that with social & economic progress such manifestations of romantic love will increase.

Love is not desire -- love is a feeling that can be expressed and can include the experience of fulfillment. (Desire is lack of fulfillment.) In love, the thoughts, feelings, actions and opinions of the beloved matter. There is a focus of interest, attention & caring on another person and their words & actions impact our emotions. Loving is a deeply involving process which can entail profound emotional interactions with the beloved.

Love is not closeness in the sense of familiarity because it is possible to love a total stranger -- "love at first sight". Love can cause desire for the greatest possible closeness -- or it can stir such anxiety as to make someone fear closeness and run away. Love can be a barrier to closeness when being honest with the beloved entails too much danger of revealing faults, inadequacies or shameful deeds.

Love is a feeling, not a command. Love cannot be willed into existence. One cannot sincerely make a vow to love. One can, however, commit oneself to be loyal to another person despite momentary feelings. When one feels love for another person repeatedly & strongly over a long period of time there is good reason to believe that those feelings will continue. Vowing to love under such circumstances is not misleading in the sense that the person who vows believes that love has a high probability of continuing. Lovers have a desire to reassure each other and to be reassured. Few people would agree to buy a house or have children with a beloved without a strong expectation that the love is an enduring one.

Love is not a habit or a duty. But when commitments have been made and/or expectations are high, the consequences of not expressing love, whether heartfelt or not, can be fearsome. When one is aware that it would be painful for the beloved to not hear words of love, habits seem a safe recourse.

THE SOURCE OF LOVE

People seek social contact to overcome their sense of loneliness or isolation. Social contact can be superficial or it can touch us in a more personal way. The very most personal & meaningful social contact -- and the one that is the most fulfilling opposite of loneliness -- is romantic love. But love is not simply intense companionship -- it is a feeling invoked by the presence-of or thoughts-of the beloved.

Although desire -- or need -- for love is not love, it is a source of love. For some people the desire to be loved is primary, and for others it is the desire to love that is primary. There are others for whom these distinctions are of less significance than the desire to be in a loving relationship. When desire/need to love is very strong, an emotion is searching for an object to fix-upon -- a person. Although the attachment may be very strong once an appropriate person is found, loyalty may not be so strong if circumstances force a prolonged separation. The situation may be very different when someone not particularly looking for love encounters a person who evokes strong & unexpected passions. When the whole experience of love is so intimately associated with a specific person the durability of the attachment may be greater.

Some people with a strong desire to have love in their life may engage in the practice of affirmations -- a kind of self-propaganda or self-programming of phrases intended to mold emotions & attitudes so as to "create the space" for a lover. Although it is not possibly to willfully become tumescent (have an erection), the self can be "seduced" into erotic arousal by guided fantasy. Similarly, it may be possible to "seduce" the emotions or redirect them toward love -- just as willpower can subdue anger when it is inappropriate to express that emotion.

For some love is primarily taking, for some love is primarily giving and for some it is more evenly a matter of "give & take". A person driven by intense need rather than desire may manifest the taking form of love. When the emphasis is on taking, the love can be very threatening when it is not reciprocated -- like meathooks that rip the flesh. When love is reciprocated or non-threatening, however, a very needy, taking love can be flattering -- a gratifying passionateness. It can be a pleasure to feel intense passion directed toward oneself. Moral censure of a taking form of love is not intended. A relationship between a taker and a giver can be fulfilling for both.

I have had the experience of wanting to give love to a person who could give, but was often reluctant to take -- and it can be very frustrating. Giving can be less personally threatening than taking for some people. Those who primarily want to be givers may even be attempting to manipulate love from a safe distance -- trying to ingratiate or to "buy" love. Someone who only feels comfortable in giving and not in taking is lacking in trust or other qualities necessary for closeness & intimacy. Nonetheless, it is not always easy to separate giving motivated by the desire to ingratiate from giving motivated by the desire to express love or gratitude -- because such emotions readily commingle.

Although love cannot be bought and love is not gratitude, feelings of love do contain feelings of gratitude. Under the right circumstances being loved can lead to loving in return -- "the heart is won". There is less risk in loving someone who loves us and the ardor of another can touch our heart.

LOVE AND EGO

The ego is very much involved in romantic love. Lack of self-worth may turn love into an unexpressed secret when there is fear of possible non-reciprocation. Loving another person can make us intensely sensitive to the regard with which we are held in the eyes of our beloved. When love is expressed but love (or respect) is not reciprocated -- or not reciprocated enough -- it is the ego that hurts. When the beloved forgets about us in plans & actions -- or is otherwise insensitive -- it is the ego that hurts. This is the awful truth that so often turns "love" into hate -- the extreme bitterness & vengefulness of love spurned. Even when love does not turn to hate, the sadness & hurt of the one whose love has not been returned is a suffering of the ego -- a wounding of pride. Those who most easily turn love into hate are those most at the mercy of their own ego.

Ego is also involved in the jealousy & possessiveness that often accompanies love. Competition puts the ego at risk and holds the threat that love may be lost. Marriage institutionalizes the vows of exclusivity that lovers so often seek. Marriage is a device to protect love and ego. The desire of one's lover to possess can be flattering. And the feeling that one "possesses" the loved-one gives a feeling of security.

Jealousy arises from fear of competition. One has reason to fear competition because of lack of self-worth and/or because of lack of trust for one's beloved. If one suspects that one's lover will find more love in another when given the right opportunity the incentive will be high to reduce such opportunity. This has the unfortunate consequence of turning a lover into a police officer of the heart -- attempting to control the behavior of one's lover at all times. Ironically, such policing efforts are most likely to succeed when they are the least required. The more devoted the lover of the jealous partner, the greater the willingness to allay fears and to conform to dictates.

Jealousy can cause problems, but the same can be said of almost any emotion. Someone feeling jealousy may simply not be getting enough attention or be feeling unrealistically threatened by competition -- things a caring lover might help alleviate. A lover who sees a lover suffering from jealousy will want to relieve the suffering. But there is never a guarantee that the problem can be solved.

Pride can be distinguished from ego in the sense that it is at least as much concerned with public image as with one-on-one relationships with the beloved. Social ego -- concern with public image, image display and image manipulation -- can be important to those who feel a need to be seen as masculine/feminine and seen as being in an idyllic, successful relationship. In the extreme, a "beloved partner" can be little more than a pawn for obtaining a favorable public image -- harassed & cajoled uncaringly to conform to the desired public image. People so concerned with image may also believe it is necessary to fulfill a certain role of masulinity, helplessness, etc. in order for the relationship to work. Such attitudes can depersonalize what would otherwise be profoundly personal.

A large portion of humanity feels chronic resentment over not being properly appreciated -- feelings that are poisonously destructive in work, family and romantic relationships. Others feel chronically privileged -- fortunate to have the position or relationship. Feelings of resentment or appreciation that stem from these states of ego, pride & sense of worth can be very intense in romantic relationships.

Two people with different skill sets can respect each other as having specific expertise or abilities. Some disrespect for qualities such as intelligence, cleanliness or competance (as examples) can be compensated for by other qualities such as integrity, dependability, communicativeness, sexiness or warm-heartedness (as examples). Both partners may recognize a general superiority of one partner and be comfortable with that relationship. Many women prefer the feeling of being with a strong, competent, protective man -- who may enjoy the feeling of superiority. Other women who are strong, independent & nurturing, may feel comfortable having a mothering relationship with a lover. Unequal, loving relationships may not be wounding to the ego if the person in the "inferior" position is nonetheless treated with respect.

LOVE AND TRUST

A loving relationship is ideally the closest relationship two people can have with another person. Closeness means intimate knowledge. And intimate knowledge is dependent upon honesty, openness & communicativeness. For some people, lack of eloquence or lack of capacity for self-expression creates a barrier -- a barrier which is more forgivable than intent to conceil.

Open communication is a risky matter. People who have nothing they are ashamed-of in their live are more likely to be shameless liers & brutes than people of exemplary conduct. Telling deeds of misconduct to a beloved risks loss of trust and loss of love. Any person who can feel the riskiness of self-revelation for themselves can surely "cut some slack" in appreciating that their partner would have similar fear.

The situation is quite different, however, when evidence becomes undeniable of premeditated deception or theft. The ego & heart are wounded by such betrayal -- love can quickly turn to hate mixed with grief. A single revelation can suddenly illuminate a pattern of deception & manipulation through the whole history of the relationship -- and/or raise suspicions.

The desire to love entails a desire to believe in the lovability of the beloved. Love can easily be blind -- facts are interpreted through the "rose-colored glasses" of wishful thinking. Denial of facts may continue for a remarkably long time -- sometimes indefinitely. Hopes, dreams & plans are not easily relinquished. Remorse by the offender and forgiveness by the victim can sometimes lead to redemption -- but this is more often the exception than the rule.

Others -- especially those with a history of having been betrayed -- may err in the opposite direction. Incessant suspicion, distrust and resentment associated with imagined betrayals can poison the possibilities for love. Pre-emptive, self-protective disbelief in the trustworthiness of a prospective partner can destroy the potential for a relationship. (The same can be said for a suspicious ego that pre-emptively resents and/or rejects a potential lover on grounds that love might not be reciprocated.)

Trust can be violated by failures of competence -- such as forgetfulness or clumsiness -- as well as by conscious deception or betrayal. Although it is easier to forgive good intentions, any source of predictable lack of dependability undermines trust. It is normal that people love their children without trusting in their children's competence (or good judgement or even integrity). Some people have the capacity to love without trust of any kind. Whether such people are big-hearted or foolish cannot be answered subjective matter. Unconditional love can be a warm security blanket, but it is also not a tribute to lovability or worth. Love that does not discriminate good from "evil" is an undeserved reward.

LOVE AND POWER

"The person with the most power in a relationship is the one with the least feeling for it" is an aphorism that once popped into my head and remained unaltered for several years. Two considerations caused me to temper my view.

For some reason it had not been immediately obvious to me that by my aphorism the person with the most power may not feel very powerful. If one has little feeling for a relationship then the relationship does not matter very much to that person. There cannot be a meaningful sense of power over something which is of little importance.

Second, when the difference between the amount of feeling of the two persons is most extreme -- and the pair are in intimate acquaintance -- the "master" probably regards the "slave" with a certain contempt -- or may even want to avoid the more passionate person. When two lovers do feel love and the difference in intensity is small, the partner with the most passion will have more incentive & have more energy to bear on the relationship -- perhaps achieving more compliance from the person who is less intensely driven. Or the person with the greatest passion may also be the person with the strongest will.

Power is most significant in a relationship when the partners are seeking to control each other's behavior. How much a lover seeks to control the behavior of the beloved varies greatly with the personality of the lover. Jealousy has been mentioned as a cause for attempting control. Control may be sought when one partner is feeling more or less sexual desire at the moment than the other. Some people actually want or expect their lover to be a servant -- or a expect their lover to be constant companion for activities that have no intrinsic interest. A partner whose main interest is love or companionship will readily conform to these requirements. Strong-willed people often prefer weak-willed lovers/partners.

The thoughts & behavior of one's beloved are a matter of great personal import, which makes the incentive to change or influence thought & behavior very high. Emotional closeness means intimate knowledge of the sensitivities of the beloved, including how to hurt & humiliate. Sadly, punishment & hurtfulness are often applied to the one most beloved -- especially when frustration over the conduct of the beloved can evoke emotional intensity & intolerable frustration. It is a sad truth that those most intimately in love can & do hurt each other the most deeply -- both unintentionally & intentionally.

In some cases it is a matter of great emotional significance that one's lover's beliefs conform to one's own beliefs. If so the lover will attempt to impose beliefs or values when attempts to convince have failed (or are too much trouble). Lovers are often willing co-conspirators in this process -- it is easy & pleasant to conform one's beliefs to the belief's of one's lover on matters that are not of great personal significance. (If the love is strong or if personal convictions are weak, no belief may matter as much as the love -- some people "lose their identity" in a loving relationship.) Conversely, when values & beliefs are of great importance, one may be unwilling to love or to look for love among persons who do not share those values/beliefs.

The power of love over the hearts of lovers can be a force for good. Marxist humanists brand romantic love as egotistical & selfish -- morally inferior to the commandment to love all humans and to love them with complete equality. Such Ideologues fail to see that romantic love creates a powerful incentive to be knowledgeable-of and respectful-to the unique personality of the beloved. Romantic love is a powerful motive for moral improvement and co-operation. Strong motivation to try new behaviors or risk uncomfortable feelings can result in profound change.

Of course, the willingness to be compliant to the wishes of the beloved can be a force for evil when the moral standards of the beloved are low. Less dramatically, many a person has sacrificed a career for the sake of marriage & family -- moving to locations more propitious for the career of the beloved. A strong commitment to "family unit" and "teamwork" makes the optimization of the earnings or work relations of one partner seem less of a sacrifice for the other.

Love can mean deep empathy -- "the happiness of my beloved is my happiness and the pain of my beloved is my pain". Or even -- "the happiness or pain of my beloved is more important to me than my own". With such feeling the importance of power in the relationship is subservient to the desire to serve, nourish and provide -- as long as there is no loss of respect by the beloved.


OBSESSIVE LOVE

"I think that I should give the rest of my life to speak to you for a quarter of an hour about the most trivial things."

-- Stendhal, in a letter to the object of his desire

Obsessive love is generally associated with unrequited love or unequal love, but there are couples who could be said to obsess over each other and members of couples who obsess over their partner. In some cases of obsessive love the beloved may be completely unaware of the existence or feelings of the loving-one. Trapped in fear & lacking in self-worth, the loving-one worships in secret. The beloved is like an object of religious devotion or veneration -- a love object. Sometimes the obsessive lover is more in love with love than loving.

Some unsympathetic observers deny that the desperate pinings of unrequited lovesickness deserve to be called love at all -- simply classifying it as a neurotic disease. Unrequited love is described as an individual experience rather than a relationship -- a wish to love or be loved rather than love itself. Having suffered this affliction numerous times myself I would not be so ungenerous. I believe that aspects of obsessive, unrequited love can be found in all manifestations of romantic love. Even if the condition is regarded as abnormal, it is not rare. By one estimate, as many as 10% of college students have considered suicide because of unrequited love.

The beloved is the obsessive lover's favorite subject -- all thoughts lead lead to the beloved. The most trivial fact about the beloved is a matter of great import. (Parents often impress others as having this kind of obsessiveness about their babies.) In all forms of love -- whether requited or unrequited -- the beloved adds a huge amount of meaningfulness to life. A "significant other" adds significance to all things.

Obsessive love -- whether in a relationship or not -- is the extreme case of power imbalance. The happiness or unhappiness of the afflicted is at the mercy of the beloved. The slightest gesture from the beloved can send the loving-one into transports of ecstasy or to the depths of despair. Every word or action by the beloved is scoured for hopeful signs of reciprocity. The obsessive lover lives in hope and suffers constant uncertainty about the feelings of the beloved. The entire life of the obsessive may be focused on speculations about the meaning of words & actions of the beloved.

To win the heart of the beloved, the desperate lover may beg to be told how to behave, what to believe and what mistakes have been committed. The lover wants very badly to become the person that the beloved would love.

The loving-one often lives in fear -- terrified of doing anything that might anger the beloved. Fear of rejection is intense and the obsessive lover may suffer something like stage-fright in the company of the beloved -- too much is at risk. Love can undermine rationality & will-power.

Hearts are sometimes won through persistence -- and it is the ardent hope of the obsessive lover to achieve this victory. It is a sad truth that desperate love may not be very attractive. A beggar-bowl evokes pity, not love & respect. It is hard to admire a puddle at one's feet. Because respect & admiration are key features of being attractive, the lover may find it prudent to hide the desperation. Because water is readily available, it may not seem precious. But a prospective lover who only values love that is not readily available may not be a person with whom a fulfilling love relationship is ever possible.

Anxiety and the winning of hearts are features associated with normal courtship. A highly anxious personality type and/or a very indifferent object of affection can raise the stakes of this "game" very high.

LOVE AND SEX

Surveys generally indicate that women regard love as an essential ingredient for good sex far more often than men do. Yet the fact that so many women do or have masturbated should be an indication that they can appreciate the purely physical aspects of sex. No one demands that love be essential for the enjoyment of food, even when they "love pizza". Not all eating is an emotionally meaningful experience -- and much eating is done for pure pleasure. People have sexual appetite.

Most people find sex with a partner more enjoyable than masturbation, but that enjoyment needn't be essentially tied to love. Many people can have enjoyable sex with good friends or casual acquaintances. Sex does have a powerful potential for bringing-up strong emotions, however. People who respond with strong emotions to sex -- and whose feelings of love are inseparable from gratitude -- may be unable to have enjoyable sex without the invocation of feelings of love. Or the intensity of connectedness experienced by having sex with a beloved may make the experience of sex with a non-lover seem too banal to contemplate. Conversely, some people who do not have much physical response to sex may use sex as a means of experiencing closeness.

Some detached observers have wondered why a penis thrusting in a vagina would be an expression of love. The profound & intimate pleasures of sex also involve profound vulnerability -- nakedness, close contact and perhaps exchange of bodily fluids. The need for extreme safety under such circumstances would be reason enough for many people -- especially women -- to demand that sex not be experienced with anyone but a trusted lover. Risk of vulnerability rather than the requirement that sex be an expression of love is the foremost consideration in this case.

Sex is not so sinful that it can only be redeemed by love. Physical & emotional safety provide practical reasons for combining sex with love. I once had a lady-friend who told me of having had sex with an academic man at his home. When they were done he showed her to the door, said to her "thanks for the entertainment" and then closed the door in her face. She stood there feeling very humiliated, used & alone. Women face the added risk of being physically vulnerable to larger & stronger males. A non-loving partner may be less concerned about unwanted impregnation or practicing safe sex to prevent spread of venereal disease.

Feelings of love can be a barrier to good sex when those feelings are associated with anxiety. Passionate love may not always entail trust -- especially for the insecure. People with high levels of anxiety and fear of being judged can be very emotionally at risk when having sex with their heart's desire. I once had a woman-friend who had gone through a hellishly frustrating experience in attempting to overcome her boyfriend's anxieties -- but was unable to achieve fulfilling sex with him. Unfortunately she judged that I had the same sensitivities as her former boyfriend and she never gave me a chance to prove otherwise. In her mind the risk of repeating the experience was too great.

Anxiety in having sex with a loved-one can be associated with more than worries about the ability to satisfy one's lover. Much of the satisfaction of having sex with a lover is the opportunity to experience the lover experiencing pleasure -- and to feel responsible for giving that pleasure. Women often fake orgasms for this reason -- and paradoxically may fail to have an orgasm because of too much worrying about not having one. But men also can -- and often do -- exaggerate their expressions of sexual gratification for the purpose of pleasuring or impressing.

Sex is a very personal & intimate activity that can evoke strong emotions. Feelings of gratitude & closeness invoked by sexual activity can easily be felt by -- or lead to -- feelings of love. Certainly sex with love can enhance the feelings of love.

Love creates an environment of safety for sex -- it can be less risky to be vulnerable to someone who cares deeply about you. Kissing, stroking, caressing & hugging are actions associated with expressing love and with sexual activity. These actions seem genuine & natural in the context of love and can seem hypocritical outside that context. Moreover, sex can be expressed with the greatest caring & sensitivity to a loved-one -- and is most fulfilling when expressed by a loved-one. To feel so physically close to someone for whom there is so much emotional passion & closeness can be an overpowering sense of connection. Sex is a wonderful way to make love.