I MIGHT SHUT DOWN MY BLOG OR MOVE IT SOON

I MIGHT SHUT DOWN MY BLOG OR MOVE IT SOON

LOVE:PICTURE THE BEST SEX YOU'RE EVER HAD

Picture the best sex you’ve ever had. What made it good? What made it so fantastic that you still talk about it for years and years afterward? What makes it that go to image in your head for when you’re with someone who doesn’t really know what they’re doing and you need that extra little bit of encouragement to get things going. For me, it’s something like the unbridled passion of “Last Tango in Paris” mixed with the kind of tragic love only illustrated in Victorian romance novels.

Having someone who knows what they’re doing in the bedroom is always fantastic, of course. We’ve all been with someone who isn’t so good with the bedroom dynamics; but, being psychically good at sex isn’t just enough. There is a psychology behind the sex: a desire, a burning need for your sexual partner, something that transcends the physical of the sexual act itself. Love: its love that makes sex truly rewarding, truly worth experiencing, and utterly, mind-blowingly fantastic.

I reflect on this fact considerably now that I’m single. I struggle often in my current dating life because I find it so difficult to just go out and have sex. I find myself nervous and self-conscious around them: afraid of exposing myself when I am at my most vulnerable.  I still find myself slipping into analytical thoughts during the act of sex. “Does she like what I’m doing? I really don’t think she does. This isn’t as good as it was with my ex. What am I doing wrong?”

This thought is the one that I have most commonly when I am with a new partner. It’s a terrifying one. One that immediately kills the mood, makes my erection disappear, and forces me to throw my face into the pillow panting with the explanation that I am just too tired,  too whatever comes to mind in that very second to continue. Why was the sex with my ex so good? It wasn’t just because she her body was amazing. It wasn’t just because she knew where all my buttons were and how to push them all at the same time. It was because I loved her and she loved me. In those moments when we were in the throes of passion and ecstasy, no two people had ever loved each other as much as we did; and no one ever would thereafter.

Love then was the key to my sexual success. Love was the reason why it never got old, it never got boring, and that I never wanted it to stop. I was expressing myself to my ex in a way that I did not and would not express myself to any other person. And love, or rather the lack of love, is why my sexual escapades after I have moved on have been so disappointing. There is no emotion behind my acts. There is of course a passion, of a sort. Lust. There is such a thing as a passionate lust. But that’s all it is. There is no wanting, no needing, no burning desire that over takes me. My loins are not on fire. They just sort of tingle.

It’s this lack of blazing loins, the ever present unexciting tingle, that has lead me to the conclusion that sex – look out folks – should wait. Immediately jumping into bed with someone isn’t going to do you any favors. In my case, it leads to me being disappointed, sad, and questioning my sexual prowess  I do not want to think about my ex-girlfriend when I’m trying to bang some other girl. I want to be thinking about how the person I am with; how beautiful, wonderful, and sweet they are. I want to be thinking about how this sexual act is representative a truer emotion, a hope that this feelings will lead to something down the road. Yes. I want to have “hope sex.” Hope that this particular erotic phenomenon is going to endear me to my partner and my partner to me. Hope that this person finds me just a beautiful and amazing as I find them.

Truthfully, I tire of the carnal representations of sex and the culture of sexual empowerment through promiscuity. Yes, you are beautiful. Yes, you are smart. Yes, you can have anyone you want and should have anyone you want. But that does not mean that my desire for meaningful, yet equally has hot, sex need be devalued and looked down upon. I’m not asking a person to fall in love with me and marry me within a week’s time. What I am asking for is the chance to experience an individual as a whole person, to get to know them, experience all of them, so that I may be attracted to every piece of that person.

Waiting is the true key to sexual fulfillment. When I know a person, feel comfortable with that person, I can truly be sexually free with that person. Free from nervousness or self-doubt or depleting images of your ex-girlfriends. Let me get to know you; let me like you; let me experience you as a person. Only then can I truly experience another person sexually. And that’s what it’s all about. Daring to wax philosophical, sex is all about giveness and the giving of one individual to another. It is the highest form of givenness, wherein the sexual act constitutes a “gift”; a powerful gift. And it should be a meaningful one as well. Waiting for sex is not a bad thing. It is a gift.

LOVE;CHEMISTRY AND WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU

Why don’t people feel attraction to someone who is good for them? Usually it is because of fear. Instead of feeling the fear that goes along with something that doesn’t fit the picture, or map, we have of ourselves and the world, we shut down. Shutting down is what we do when there is a risk of feeling fear. Instead of feeling fear, we feel nothing.

We don’t realize we are shutting ourselves down. It just feels like we are “not attracted” to, or have no “chemistry” with that person.

I’m not trying to say that you should be willing to get into a relationship with anyone. What I am saying is that when we are coming from a place of love instead of fear, it is easy to feel attracted to more and more people. As we become more and more aware of our emotions and what drives our emotions we have more choice.

When we are open-hearted, we have available to us a pool of an endless number of people to whom we are attracted. Then, instead of feeling like we are at the mercy of some mysterious thing called “chemistry,” that almost never happens, instead we can make a choice about the best person to be in a relationship with.

The solution to finding someone to love is not finding someone to whom you are “attracted.” The answer is to love yourself, and open your heart, and if you do you’ll find that you feel chemistry with the whole world.

PERSONAL: I WANT SOMEONE TO TRANSFORMER 4 WITH.

Did you know that 99% of the woman here are adventure travelers? It seems dubious to me too, but let’s continue as if it’s true. The majority of woman on the site go on and on about all of the outdoor adventure activity they do, including mountain climbing, ziplining, white water rafting, bungee jumping, parasailing, sky diving, someone even talked about alligator wrestling. And of course they love traveling and frequent all these crazy places like Iceland and Belize and Egypt and Greece and the rainforests or whatever. They are outdoors all the time, playing every sport that was ever invented, including some you’ve never heard of (sled hockey?), and they work out 5+ times a week.

Come on.

I live in Long island less than 30 min away from city and less than 20 min away from the beach. These woman say they are ambitious and have pretty good jobs where they are making average salaries. How exactly are they ziplining regularly? And where? And how are they getting time off from work to travel all the time? And with what money? I don’t buy it.

But that’s not even what bothers me. The real kicker here is the type of guy they are all looking for. Now on my profile, I checked off the box saying that I want someone who wants kids and who’s single (… why I have to specify this troubles me). And I wrote out by hand that I am looking for an easy-going, honest, passionate woman. Are those the type of characteristics these woman are looking for? Not even close.

He has to be tall, handsome and adventurous and also love adventure sports like ziplining and whatever the hell, and he also has to love to travel. He has to be open to trying anything (I’m assuming this means sexual positions...just kidding ;-)) and be outgoing and extroverted and like to go out but also like to stay in. He has to be a great conversationalist, smart, witty, funny, and “not get embarrassed easily.” (Why are we specifying this? Again, troubled.) He also has to be ambitious, be smart and successful, be educated and have a great job, be family-oriented, be career-driven, want to have (and, unspoken, take care of) kids, knows how to take care of himself (I can only assume this means that he’s has a 6 pack), be outdoorsy, like to be outside all the time (these are apparently two different things), like to camp and hike, be “active” and work out frequently, did I mention tall and handsome?, like all different kinds of foods and be willing to try – AND LIKE, GODDAMNIT – any kind of exotic food, not be pessimistic or complain, be loyal and honest, not be self-conscious about anything (… you’re helping), know who she is and what she wants, and, my ultimate favorite, ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM.

Wow This is a joke, right? Do you sincerely think you can find all of this in one person? Have you considered the fact that you are on this site because this is what you’re holding out for?! First of all, Do you want someone who does these adventure sports and plays sports too and works out every day? Huh? And how are you going to find someone who is career-driven and is family-oriented and is handsome who also has time to play sports as an adult and like hike around all the time and wrestle alligators? What? I do know guys who do that kind of stuff, but believe me most of them do not meet all these other criteria, including having the hot model appearance you desire.

But also, think hard – DO YOU REALLY WANT THIS? I don’t think you want this type of guy if he even exists, because then he’d be too intimidating and you’d feel like he was overshadowing you and better than you at the things you do, and lord knows that would be a problem.

So I offer this plea to the woman here. Refocus. Look for a guy who doesn’t mind that you (apparently) want to go off ziplining, but who might want to lay in the sunshine and read a book while you do. (To work on that tan you demand, obviously.) Or pick, say, two of the major things you’re looking for. Like, he has to be adventurous and handsome, but it’s okay if he’s a waitor You know? Be a little more realistic. I’m not saying let go of your dreams. But get a grip. Everyone is not Brad Pitt. (Not that you’d be into him, since he’s athletic and toned and probably doesn’t have time for parachuting with all those babies in tow.)

How about those pictures where it seem like every woman is holding a drink in her hand? Do they know what message that sent to guys? She must be either a party girl....or she easy or...she has a drinking problem. Listen I know everyone drink once in a while....but do you need show that when you are trying to find a guy to marry?

It’s this bad, and I haven’t even been on a date yet. Good lord. Clearly I’m going to be single forever.

When you read what most woman say they’re looking for in a mate, one of the first three things they’ll say is “sense of humor.” No doubt about it. It’s our dating mantra. “I just want someone who can make me laugh.” “Laughter’s all that really matters in the end, isn’t it?” “Looks fade, but sense of humor is forever.” Then how come I’ve never seen a guy say, “would you check out the jokes on that girl?”

90% of the women say they’re looking for someone who can make them laugh. Do they mean it? No idea. But I’ve been in a lot of bars with a lot of funny dudes, and ladies’ heads have not swiveled. However, if a guy walks in who looks like Johnny Depp, or even better, looks like he just got into a fight with Johnny Depp, there’d be swiveling all over the place. Like the desk chair convention was in town. (Are there desk chair conventions? Probably not. Needed it for the joke. Worth it? Probably not.)

Men, however, are no better. If a girl isn’t funny, or at least playful in her emails, I report no interest in her. But, truth be told, if she looks good in a tank top I’ll probably find a way to get interested, at least for a little while. Many of my friends say that finding a lady to joke with is a priority as well, yet I can count on one hand the ones they’ve dated that I’d trust to tell me a joke. “Knock knock. Who’s there? Long Island Iced Tea. Long Island Iced Tea who? What? No. Get me a Long Island Iced Tea. Also, do you have any gum?”

Never saw an US Weekly with Buddy Hackett on the cover. Why?

Not convinced that we’re all liars? How about this: if sense of humor was really such a big, if laughter was truly the great equivocator, then only the funniest people would date the funniest people. If you were hilarious, and all you truly wanted was hilarious, then you’d grab Kristen Wiig or Tina Fey and be done with it. Everyone would pursue the absolute highest level of humor they could obtain in a mate, so the uproarious would date the uproarious, the semi-uproarious would date the other semi’s, and there on down. But you don’t see that. Funny people date unfunny people all the time. It’s the hotties who only date other hotties. Relationships aren’t organized by laughs, they’re sorted, obviously, by looks. The most attractive date each other, as do the cutes, as do the weirdos. That’s life. And the funniest people, well, they go for the hotties too. Sense of humor never enters into things.

So why do we do it? Why do we say we want someone who can make us laugh, then chose someone who can make us hot?

Not funny.

There’s two explanations. Either we’re all shallow deceitful fucks (here’s looking at you, Johnny Depp), or there’s something more complex going on. My theory, shockingly, is the latter. I think that we’re not as a jaded as I’ve made us out to be. Deep down, we know the right match for us is someone who can make us giggle those dizzy little you-know-just-what-gets-me giggles. We know, in our hearts, that laughter is what we truly need in a partner, but we’re weak. We’re weak, horny little pigs, and we give in to the immediacy of our desires. Because sense of humor is not immediate. It doesn’t grab you the minute you lay eyes on someone, the way that smiles or tits or asses so reliably do. The prospect of a lifetime of laughter sounds good, amazing, even, but it can’t send that instant jolt through your body the way the right girl can when she smiles and twirls her hair. (Tough break, bald girls). The fact is, we’re idiots. Even though we know that humor is a lot more important than hair color (sorry again, baldies) to the point where we ourselves state it as our greatest priority, we still go after the most attractive person we can get our hands on. We’re schmucks, really. And in the end, predictably, sex sells. It’s true in politics, movies, and magazine covers – so why shouldn’t it be so when it comes to actual, well, sex?

Sadly, though, we don’t know this about ourselves. We say we want sense of humor, hook up based on looks, then feel disappointed when the shapely young girl with the winning smile is less interesting than the pint glass she’s drinking out of. (Although, admittedly, I do have a bit of a thing for pint glasses.) We break up with that chick, say we’re gonna do better next time, then make the exact same mistake over again. It’s the Transformer’s 3 Syndrome. No person in their right mind who saw Transformers 1 or 2 would think, “man, I’ve got to get me another two and a half hours of that shit!” But then the summer rolls around and we see the previews with the fancy robots, and the cars that turn into shooty things, and shooty things that turn back into spaceships, and we think “maybe this one will be better.” And then we go, and want to die. So the next time you spend a night with a boring beauty, just remind yourself that you just bought a ticket to see Transformers 3. For like the hundredth time. Then you’ll have a real walk of shame.

So what do we do? How the fuck should I know. I go out on dates with people I don’t know, you think I’ve got it all figured out? Probably, we should be honest with ourselves. We like funny, but we’re addicted to hot, and until we get over that this whole sense of humor business will continue to be a myth. But that’s not so bad, it’s just part of the process. And maybe then we tell the truth when someone asks us what we’re looking for in mate…

“I want someone to see Transformers 3 with.”

POETRY: LOOKING FOR YOUR FACE BY RUMI

I would like to share with you a little romantic love poem I discovered some years ago. I sort of like it, because in my opinion it differs a little from other poems. You literally feel the electrifying intensity. It moves you to depths you never knew about.

Of course, beauty is always in the eye of the beholder they say, but this poem conveys a certain truth we all know, or hope, exists – and we all long to have it in our lives.

It gives us a short glance how life should be – sweet and passionate.To me, personally, the following poem is the most romantic love poem of all.


Looking For Your Face

From the beginning of my life
I have been looking for your face
but today I have seen it

Today I have seen
the charm, the beauty,
the unfathomable grace
of the face
that I was looking for

Today I have found you
and those who laughed
and scorned me yesterday
are sorry that they were not looking
as I did

I am bewildered by the magnificence
of your beauty
and wish to see you
with a hundred eyes

My heart has burned with passion
and has searched forever
for this wondrous beauty
that I now behold

I am ashamed
to call this love human
and afraid of God
to call it divine

Your fragrant breath
like the morning breeze
has come to the stillness of the garden
You have breathed new life into me
I have become your sunshine
and also your shadow

My soul is screaming in ecstasy
Every fiber of my being
is in love with you

Your effulgence
has lit a fire in my heart
for me
the earth and sky

My arrow of love
has arrived at the target
I am in the house of mercy
and my heart
is a place of prayer

Beautiful, isn’t it?

This is Rumi “Looking for your face”


Now, after reading the poem above, I want you to ask yourself the following:

“Have I ever felt in such a way? Do I have a fundamental understanding of what this poem is about? What is my concept of feeling love?”  I want you to let this little piece of art elevate you to a new level of passion and sensibility

 I’m sharing this with you for a couple of reason reasons:

to delight you with some insightful piece of art
to elevate you and your partner to a new level of understanding of true love
to remind you that the love in which you believed once, still exists

REVIEWS OF SOME OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES

My preference is for romantic dramas – films that span the spectrum from Casablanca (1942) to (500) Days of Summer (2009). When it comes to love, the fundamental things apply, as time goes by

Let’s be honest – the nature of romantic love remains a mystery to most of us. Even if we have it in our lives or are in hot pursuit of it, it’s a phenomenon difficult to explain, especially in words. But because it’s a visual medium, I think film can help us to get a little closer (the way poetry does with the spoken word). When we watch love on screen, we don’t just want to see it or hear people philosophising – we want to feel it. If a film can achieve this I think it’s something special.

I recently saw Terence Davies’ beautiful new film, The Deep Blue Sea. It stars the luminous Rachel Weisz as Hester Collyer, the younger wife of Sir William Collyer, a London judge (Simon Russell Beale), who embarks on a passionate affair with a younger, handsome and feckless, World War II RAF veteran, Freddie Page (Tom Hiddleston). Set somewhere ‘around 1950’ the film (based on Terence Ratigan’s 1952 play) takes place mostly in a day – integrating a series of fragmented flashbacks – in the aftermath of Hester’s failed suicide attempt.

Davies’ film has forced me to ask myself a few questions in the context of a life spent watching many films about love. There are a few things I want answers to. What does love look like up on the screen? Can a film actually capture what it feels like to be in love? What it feels like to want love? Or what it feels like to lose love? Does love really mean “never having to say you’re sorry”? What lessons about love have I learnt from the movies?

The main lesson I seem to have learnt is that love hurts.

Love hurts if you have tasted love then lost it. It definitely hurts if you love someone but they don’t know it. Love also hurts if they do know it but circumstances keep you apart.

Some films show us the sheer force of unfulfilled love by measuring how intensely these feelings continue to run throughout a character’s life once the object of affection is out of the picture.

Martin Scorsese’s gorgeous The Age of Innocence (1993) dramatises this better than just about any film I have ever seen. The film’s haunting final scene, where Newland Archer (Daniel Day-Lewis) refuses to visit the woman he should have married, Ellen Olenska (Michelle Pfeiffer) – preferring to sit on the Paris street and remember her as she was at the height of his love for her – has broken my heart into smithereens each of the dozen or so times I’ve watched it.

Ellen (Michelle Pfeiffer) and Newland (Daniel Day-Lewis) share stolen moments in The Age of Innocence

Other films show us that the power of a consummated love can only be measured if we get to see the impact on a character of its loss.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) is a great example of this. This Charlie Kaufman scripted, Michel Gondry directed film, sets up an interesting premise about how far we might go to get over the pain of a lost love by creating a procedure that literally erases them from the brain. When their relationship ends, Clementine (Kate Winslet) visits Lacuna, Inc. to have the procedure done. Angry at discovering this, Joel (Jim Carrey) follows suit, but finds he isn’t willing to give up his memories of her so easily. In the end, the good feelings outlive the bad reminding us that painful memories are only one part of any love story. Losing even these can be devastating. And when Joel and Clementine meet again, the attraction remains, even though their memories of each other are gone. Love, or something like it, survives the procedure, showing us that it is one of the core human compulsions to continuously seek this connection despite the risks and the possible hurt.

Clementine (Kate Winslet) and Joel (Jim Carrey) seek the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

I’ve also learnt that really great love stories rarely have happy endings.

This is certainly true of Casablanca and other classics such as Gone with the Wind (1939) and West Side Story (1961). Lovers don’t always end up together. Love often ends in tears. Or separation. And sometimes even death.

The tragedy of lovers separated by time and history illuminates Anthony Minghella’s The English Patient (1996), on a grand scale. Similarly, Joe Wright’s Atonement (2007) separates its lovers, Cecilia (Keira Knightley) and Robbie (James McAvoy) by false accusations and war. But in both films the power of love continues to have force even after death – it endures through memories, through language, and in the lives of other people.

Intense love lives on in memory as the English patient remembers his past

Robbie (James McAvoy) and Cecilia's (Keira Knightley) love endures after death in Atonement

The Deep Blue Sea presents a love that is consummated but on the verge of being lost forever. For my money, this film does what a great love story should – it overwhelms an audience with sheer, unadulterated emotion. This is something that romantic comedies, suffocated by frocks, froth and glamour, don’t even know how to start to do.

Hester’s situation is heartbreaking. She is the embodiment of how far a person is willing to go for love, and how much they are willing to give up. For her, love, is all-consuming. In a flashback, her prickly mother-in-law warns her, ‘Beware of passion … it always leads to something ugly.’ Passion is the key urge around which Hester reorganises her life. It’s what she craves and lacks in her marriage and when she finds it with Freddie she abandons everything for it and will do anything to retain it. Returning to a life without passion, once tasted, is an unbearable prospect and she would rather die than live without it.

This is where we meet her. Something is no longer right between her and Freddie, although we never hear a precise explanation about what has gone wrong.

I found it interesting that for a film based on a play dialogue is the least important cinematic element here. The opening scene, a wonderful sweeping series of shots that take us from the street outside into Hester’s flat and then back and forth through time is almost devoid of dialogue. Davies, like any great storyteller, is showingnot telling, concerned with the representation of feeling over thought. Moving fluidly between Hester’s current state – alone, post-suicide attempt in her dreary flat – and the warmth of her memories of falling in love, the intensity of the physical intimacy she experiences with Freddie, immediately establishes the point of view as hers. Hester feels alive when she is with Freddie. We are encouraged to feel as she does, to see her passion as anything but ugly.

Hester and Freddie in happier times

Concerned and confused, Sir William asks, ‘What happened to you Hester?’ to which she matter-of-factly replies, ‘Love.’ He is convinced her feelings for Freddie are no more than lust, their connection only sexual. And while part of the problem between Hester and Freddie does seem to be a disparity in their feelings towards each other (he can’t love her as much as she loves him and they both know it), Hester doesn’t care to define it for Bill. She simply says, ‘He is my whole world.’ This is enough; this tells her whole story. When he withdraws his love her world crumbles, in ruins, like the brown, austere postwar London she lives in.

Hester’s emotions are always close to the surface. But a love where the dial’s turned up to eleven at all times can be destructive. What happens in these relationships, fuelled by fire and drama, when that passion dies? As we see in The Deep Blue Sea, hopelessness, barrenness remains. Love, here, is measured by the impact of its loss. It drives Hester to dangerous places where, as she tells her practical landlady, she feels caught ‘between the devil and the deep blue sea.’ She can’t let go even though she knows it’s over.

On the morning when he will finally leave her to go work in Rio, Freddie reveals he is not without feeling, admitting he will miss her, but sure that if they stay together they will tear each other apart. Ultimately, Hester can only go on living without him, and the film’s wonderful final shot pans away from her standing at the window of the flat, out onto the street, placing her amongst other people all caught in their own struggles, absorbing her into the fabric of the wider world.

I’ve also learnt that the experience of love is often defined by regret.

The fragile, sometimes fleeting nature of love, is at the heart of most Wong Kar-wai films, and especially, his two greatest – Happy Together (1997) and In the Mood for Love (2000). Both highly visual films, with exquisite settings and music, show us what it feels like to want love, to find love and to lose it. The performances are convincing – Tony Leung is superb in both films in such different roles – and the worlds they live in sensual and tangible. In the Mood for Love,depicting an unconsummated passion, aches with the pain of things unsaid and acts undone that will haunt these characters’ lives. Happy Together explores the ruins of love with a dysfunctional couple (the late Leslie Cheung plays Leung’s more volatile other half) falling apart while living together in Buenos Aires. Their demise is a slow one, complete with a melancholy tango and moments of intense intimacy and just as intense loneliness. Both are films that convey regret with such poignancy you can’t help feel it right along with these gorgeous, lovelorn characters.

Leslie Cheung and Tony Leung happy together, unhappy together

But the flipside of regret is chance. And the movies have taught me to try not to waste it if it comes along.

The delicate space between wasted opportunities and taking chances shapes the brilliant pair of films, Before Sunrise (1995) and Before Sunset (2004), directed by Richard Linklater and starring Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy.

I’m a card-holding member of Generation X, so these films are practically my national anthems. And they explore the questions of what might have been and what could be just about better than any others I know.

Jessie (Ethan Hawke) and Celine (July Delpy) prepare to say goodbye in Vienna in Before Sunrise

In the first film, set over the course of a day and night spent walking around Vienna, Jessie and Celine show us that any magic in the world exists in trying to understand someone else and deciding to share yourself with them. From the moment that Jessie suggests she leave the train with him (‘If I don’t ask you this it’s going to haunt me the rest of my life’) love is a palpable possibility. They walk and talk and slowly reveal more and more of themselves. The scene in the record store listening booth is a perfect little example of what it feels like to fall in love – a little claustrophobic, as your world reduces around one other person. But love also expands your horizons, and we see this as they head back outside, into the city, for more walking and talking.

The attraction between Jessie and Celine is present from the beginning and evolves naturally, as it does when you realise time is of the essence and that ‘everything we do in life is a way to be loved a little more.’ I really like that they don’t play games and there are no spectacular fireworks announcing that now, suddenly, they are in love. They sleep together in a park (we only have this confirmed in the second film) and farewell each other at the station the following morning promising to meet in six months time because neither can bear the idea of never seeing each other again. You want it to happen. All this in a film where no one says ‘I love you,’ yet you have no doubt that they do.

Before Sunset picks up nine years later in Paris, where Jessie has come for the last stop of his book tour. He’s now married with a four-year-old son but has never forgotten that brief time he spent with Celine. His first novel, This Time, is about her – he wrote it to try and find her. It works – she shows up at the book signing at Shakespeare & Co and they spend the day walking around the city until he has to catch his flight home. As he tells her, ‘I remember that night better than I do entire years.’

The question looms large – did they meet that December in Vienna as they had promised. At a café, Celine explains that she wanted to be there more than anything but that her grandmother died and they buried her on that day. Initially joking that he didn’t go, Jessie eventually admits that he was there, furious with himself for not exchanging phone numbers or surnames. Later, Jessie confesses to being unhappy in his marriage and that he thought about her on his wedding day. He wonders, often, what would have happened if they had met up, how ‘our lives might have been so much different.’ Now, Celine is cynical and Jessie wonders if he didn’t completely lose faith in romantic love when he was left standing at the station in Vienna alone.

Older, a little jaded but still hopeful in Before Sunset

But they have another chance, another opportunity to connect. The film ends at Celine’s apartment, after she sings him a waltz about a one-night stand she wrote about their time together. It’s pretty clear Jessie will miss his flight. I’m desperate for the next instalment.

At the risk of sounding like a broken down record, I’ll say it again – you just don’t get these lessons in love from romantic comedy.

But there is one exception to the rule for me – an unconventional romantic comedy that had me lovesick when I first saw it. It’s as good a time as any to revisit it here now.

The aches and pains of love pulse all the way through Steven Shainberg’s darkly comic Secretary (2003). It’s a film that makes me laugh but also makes me feel something more. I couldn’t help a wicked giggle at the quirky courtship between Mr Grey – an obsessive-compulsive lawyer played by James Spader – and his masochistic, self-mutilating secretary, Lee (the wonderful Maggie Gyllenhaal).

After one too many typos, Mr Grey spanks Lee, and a few typos later, they’re in love. But what appears to be a twisted tale of S&M power play in the workplace is, quite unexpectedly, a tender, ecstatic experience – possibly one of the most passionate love stories in recent memory. Two people who think they are unlovable get together in the most unexpected way.

Strange as it seems, Secretary is a love story in the old-school style. Like Paul Thomas Anderson’s equally heady and eccentric fable, Punch-Drunk Love (2002),here romance is a thing of sweats and fevers, where obsessive needs outweigh logic. Despite its bondage scenarios, Secretary avoids being merely salacious because Lee is utterly consumed by the pursuit of love. She suffers blissfully at Mr Grey’s sadistic hand because he makes her feel alive. It’s no wonder that her fervent desire also seduces an emotion-starved audience.

A very happy ending in unconventional romance Secretary

When you think Secretary has no surprises left, it pulls out a bona fide sweet Hollywood ending – with a fluffy wedding dress, a steamy bathroom scene and a burning realisation that without each other, Lee and Mr Grey can’t go on. Just as in the classics, you can’t help but feel their pain. When it hurts this much, you know it’s good.

 On of my favorite movie is Moonstruck with Cher.

The moon is beautiful. And so is love.

The moon is closer to earth than the sun, and this is why it has a stronger pull on its seas, but the sun, the sun gives us warmth, and gives the moon its light. Yet it's the moon that we could relate more to. It can never burn us.

Love hurts, over and over again because it is forgetful of who it has hurt before and we never learn. But every time your feelings become harder and harder to access. But on a night when the moon is full, you will give in and kiss that person that chose to be there. The person that chose to listen to you and support you when you never really ask for it. And it will be beautiful.

Whether it remains beautiful or not, however, is a matter of choice. A matter of accepting the fact that people change, and their place in your being is either reshaped or erased. Forever.

"There are a million important things to do. But none as important as lying here next to you."

And Moon made it feel like it's okay. Like I am not the only one who does that, and that is the thing that matters the most: You are not alone. You are not the only one.

Moon is about the little things, and trust me, it's the little things that matter ( a quote from my other favorite film...Valley Sky), it is the little things that make life worthwhile. And the little things happen all the time, every day, but most people just fail to notice them. Most people forget to remember that if they do notice the little things, they would be a lot happier.

Moon is about happiness.

I dare you to not relate to that. Moon is about the fear of falling in love, the fear that is at its peak right before you fall in love and then you succumb and you give in so willingly and you try to love the person to happiness, or more happiness and it's hard. Because you want that, and only that, and the fear is still there, the fear of losing what has always scared you.

JOURNAL: DATING DOESN'T COME EASY

“When you least expect it!” I fucking hated people for saying that, especially married people. Nothing in life happens when you least expect it execept for maybe cancer and car accidents. Even someone who suffers a massive heart attack must have some prior knowledge that they were in poor health or living an unhealthy life style. My point is that I have learned that nothing, especially dating comes easy or just comes into your life with out a little blood, sweat, and yes, tears.

It sucks but you have to put in the time. That time is dating and dating, and dating some more. Do you have the time for me to tell you how many women I met on online and the awful, extremely awful experience. I laughed and I cried because I though it was a joke that dating was this hard. Then, I just stopped. I didn’t stop dating, but I stopped complaining and I opened my eyes to the fact that I needed to be very aware of who I was choosing to meet and became exrtremely choosy about the woman I agreed to go on dates with. I realized it really does take someone speacial to find someone else’s  and that someone was me!  Step two was continuing to do all the work on myself. You know you really will not find the right woman until you really know yourself.  I worked hard to grow and learn about myself and also recognize what I needed and wanted for myself, and not what others think I needed.  Lastly, and this is the corniest of all, I actually started telling myself on a daily basis that I will find my true love and how ever long it takes, I am willing to wait because I know she is out there..” But let me just say, that with saying this, I finally let go of all the bullshit of beleiving she will find me, or we will bump into each other in the grocery store. Please, I was single in New York City and the amount of single women is astouding and I not ONCE met a single woman on happenstance. Basically I am saying a lot of it has to do with attitude and once you can free yourself from thinking “Why can’t I meet anyone?” and start thinking “I will meet someone,” you truly will be alone. All of those motivational speakers have a point; what you put out there is what you will get back.

Lastly, and I know I talk A LOT, let me just end by saying that you will continue to meet woman you are not interested and woman who want perfection, and woman who just suck. Again, give me two hours I will go down the list with you about how many women I met who told me I was handsome, but not tall enough. Or my favorite, “You are so fun to talk to. I never had a real conversation with a guy before.” There are truly wonderful women out there who do not represent all the other disasters you had to meet. I used to get angry after a date did not go well or the woman was a loser, but than I realized, somewhere out there is the woman who will just get me. And love me. And be mine. Love is not about being compatible on all levels, but many levels.

I’m perfectly nice, average-looking, intelligent and intellectual, funny, creative, etc man. Yes, I’ve done internet dating. I’m not doing it any more. I am SO SICK of these women who all think they’re going to wind up with  GQ rich, tall, handsome guy. You may read this and think I’m a terrible date, but I’m self aware enough to know I’m not a disaster. Personally, I don’t feel the need to subject myself to that kind of rejection any more. These women online are either not serious or they’re deeply deluded about who they’ll wind up with. Either way, it’s not good for me.

You know what I’m doing to meet a woman? I’m having a rich and active life.. I pursue things that interest me, and I’m friendly and open to meeting people who share those interests. I have a LIFE. By the time a woman is in her 30′s, she should have her act together a little.I would not describe myself as picky at all. I’m not looking for a movie star. I don’t care if she has money, career, or car. I’m just looking for a woman who’s nice to me, makes me laugh, and uses her brain. It’s been a long time since I met a woman I was really interested in. I can hear how defensive I sound, but I’ve earned my baggage. My parents celebrated their 47th anniversary this year. I never thought I’d be spending my entire adult life alone. And goddamn celebate! This is not the life I ordered.

Neither most men nor I can do ANYTHING about “women”. Which is why I see little to no value in putting any blame on them for all of their faults. Women can be shallow and clueless and selfish  So what? What am I going to do IN SPITE of that?  Women are shallow. Woman don’t value me. It’s not fair, it’s not right, it just IS. My only choice is to find the women who are NOT that way. And I know that my negative attitude about women and dating is NOT the way to attract that rare special woman who does exist in the universe.

LOVE: ROMANTIC LOVE FANTASY IS A SUBSTITUE FOR INTIMACY

Before I married ex wife.... I had a perfect fairy-ideal of what romantic love was, probably because I was an actress and loved drama back then.

It took years for me to realize a relationship is not a romance movie.

At some point in our lives, we may believe that love should be like the kind of romance we see portrayed in films, television, and novels.

For some reason, I always thought my romantic relationships were less if I did not experience this kind of fairy-tale relationship. Maybe this is why I kept meeting frogs.

At times, I bought into the belief that if I had a relationship with the perfect prince, then all would be well in my life. I thought, Now, I will be safe forever.

In truth, I did marry a princess—but a princess who is also human, who has faults and issues just like every person, no matter how wonderful he is.

At some point I grew up and learned to let go of the crazy metaphor of romantic love in order to find true happiness. Yes, I was disappointed  But, let’s look at it in this light: We all saw Romeo and Juliet and Titanic. Why stories like these make our hearts sing is that the love is unrequited. Unavailability fuels the romantic expression.

This kind of romantic story can only work when there is an absence of the lover. Sometimes, they have to die in the end in order for their love to fit into this romantic view. Or, we eat handfuls of popcorn, waiting to see if they live happily ever after, and we rarely find out if they really do.

The romantic love fantasy is really a substitute for intimacy—real, connected, vulnerable intimacy.

So then, how do we make relationships work and stay happy?

We begin with the understanding of what pure love is, and then redefine and update the romantic fairytale into a healthier type of love.

Here are 10 ways to create true intimacy, find pure love, and be truly happy in your relationship:

1. Use relationships to teach you how to be whole within.

Relationships aren’t about having another person complete you, but coming to the relationship whole and sharing your life interdependently. By letting go of the romantic ideal of merging and becoming “one,” you learn  to love the distances in relationship as much as the togetherness.

2. See your partner for who he or she really is.

The romantic tragedy occurs when you view the person you are in love with as a symbol of what they have come to represent, the idea of them. When you realize that more often than not you don’t really know your partner, you begin to discover who they are and how they change and evolve.

3. Be willing to learn from each other.

The key is to see the other as a mirror and learn from the reflection how you can be a better person. When you feel upset, rather than blame your partner and point fingers, remain awake to what has yet to be healed in yourself.

4. Get comfortable being alone.

In order to accept that love can’t rescue you from being alone, learn to spend time being with yourself. By feeling safe and secure to be on your own within the framework of relationship, you will feel more complete, happy, and whole.

5. Look closely at why a fight may begin.

Some couples create separateness by fighting and then making up over and over again. This allows you to continue the romantic trance, creating drama and avoiding real intimacy. If you become aware of what you fear about intimacy, you’ll have a better sense of why you’re fighting—and likely will fight far less.

6. Own who you are.

We generally grasp at romantic love because we’re yearning for something that is out of reach, something in another person that we don’t think we possess in ourselves. Unfortunately, when we finally get love, we discover that we didn’t get what we were looking for.

True love only exists by loving yourself first. You can only get from another person what you’re willing to give yourself.

7. Embrace ordinariness.

After the fairy-dust start of a relationship ends, we discover ordinariness, and we often do everything we can to avoid it. The trick is to see that ordinariness can become the real “juice” of intimacy. The day-to-day loveliness of sharing life with a partner can, and does, become extraordinary.

8. Expand your heart.

One thing that unites us is that we all long to be happy. This happiness usually includes the desire to be close to someone in a loving way. To create real intimacy, get in touch with the spaciousness of your heart and bring awareness to what is good within you.

It’s easier to recognize the good in your partner when you’re connected to the good in yourself.

9. Focus on giving love.

Genuine happiness is not about feeling good about ourselves because other people love us; it’s more about how well we have loved ourselves and others. The unintentional outcome of loving others more deeply is that we are loved more deeply.

10. Let go of expectations.

You may look to things such as romance and constant togetherness to fill a void in yourself. This will immediately cause suffering. If you unconsciously expect to receive love in certain ways to avoid giving that love to yourself, you will put your sense of security in someone else.

LETTER: DEAR FUTURE WIFE

Dear Future Wife:

Seeing as how I don’t know who you are yet still plan to make you my wife, I thought I’d give you a heads up and list some of my wants and desires. Some of these are literal while others are merely products of wishing I knew who (and where) you are.

I want our meeting to come from the story books and lovers’ films—your smile melting my world and holding my breath hostage. That day will be the day my life can begin.

I want to hold your hand softly and squeeze it ever so slightly as we walk among the falling leaves, our common infatuation growing with each step we take.

I want my heart to be filled for you—each moment I share with you being a moment I could never live without. Those moments will be the ones we smile and reminisce over when we’re old and gray.

I want to show you that a man can treat you the way you deserve, lifting and supporting you in reverence and respect as you should’ve been your entire life.

I want to surprise you by bending to one knee in the fresh snow; my hands lightly grasping a shining diamond perfectly fitted for your lovely little finger. And while the words may falter and catch in my throat, you’ll see the look in my eyes that tells you I want you to be mine forever.

I want to write you the loveliest vows, hold your hand and kiss your lips as the minister blesses our union. That day will be the day my life forever gains a purpose.

I want to gently wake you up on Saturday mornings and make love to you as the sun’s rays try their best to sneak into our bedroom. We won’t be bothered with notions of disturbance but rather become lost within our pleasure, within our satisfactions, within our love.

I want us to leaning against one another when times are rough . In life, in love we will be side by side.

I want to disappear with you into a foreign land once a 2-3 year, our taste for adventure and roaming the globe satisfied within the company of each other as we experience new cultures together.

I want to cook for you when you’ve had to work late and are worn to the bone. We’ll sit in the soft light and I’ll listen as you share the frustrations of your day with me.

I want to watch over when you when you get sick, preparing your medicines and massaging away your aches and pains.
I want to show you off to all my friends and have them grow green with envy as they realize they’ll never have a woman like mine. With you on my arm, I could never lose.

I want to ravish you on a warm spring night, our fevered looks and flirting touches no longer able to restrain our deep desire for one another. On these nights, our sweat will mingle and our breaths will quicken but in each other, we will have found the fleeting beauty of love.

I want to be the father you’ve always dreamed of for our children—strong and firm yet smiling, loving and accepting.
I want look at you after many years of marriage and still know that you’re all I’ll ever want or need and that you and you alone, fulfill me in all the ways a wife can satisfy a husband.

I want to grow old with you, our skin softening and our eyes fading. We’ll hold hands and take that same leave laced walk we took in the beginning, our hands still clasped together, the love between us as vital as ever.

I want to love you a day past forever. When our existence has expired and we are but a memory to the children and grandchildren we’ve left behind, I’ll still love you.

I want you—and I want you for forever.

SPIRITUAL: WHY DO WE MEET CERTAIN PEOPLE IN OUR LIFE?

We meet many people. Many times randomly. Few of them become best friends, few of them enemies, few of them acquaintances, one of them may become spouse, and few of them we just forget that we met.

Why do we meet certain people in our life?

What’s the big deal, you may ask. Please try this now. From your best friends list, just think for few seconds how you met each one of them. I am quite sure you have met at least one of them so randomly that there was every chance that you could have never met that person. Yet, you met that person(s) and became best friends.

Often times I wondered, is it a random process that we meet the people we meet or there is something mystical about it exists that we cannot fathom. I would be lying if I tell you that I understand this. Sometimes, I feel it is completely random without any meaning. But there are times, when I realized that there is something really more meaningful in every meeting with a stranger.

Have you ever wondered sometimes that what if you had been to a different college than the one you attended? A different school. A different workplace. Would you be the same person as you are now? Definitely not, is my answer.

It is inevitable that the people we meet influence our lives to some extent. May not be completely. But every personal interaction has a role to play in our lives either directly or indirectly.

Do you know how Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak of Applemet? They were introduced by a mutual friend, Bill Fernandez, when Wozniak was 21 and Jobs was 16 years old and later went on to found Apple Inc. What if they never met? From what I understood reading Steve Jobs biography, it is very clear that they truly complimented each other in skills and that helped Apple in the initial founding years. They met and they made history. Who knows what would have happened if they never met? May be, Bill Gates would be the happiest and a little more richer person in that case. And may be, we still be using the old music players instead of sexy iPods. We never know.

  To a certain extent I believe there are key people that cross our paths who have a profound impact on some of the choices and decisions we make in our lives. However it is important to remember that we (choose) our own friends, lovers, and spouse. Sometimes we opt to "go with the flow" or enter into relationships based upon happenstance. Whether it turns out be a good or bad experience we must remember we either invited or accepted them into our lives. Both people have to say, "yes" in order for things to move forward. It's almost like going to the store to purchase an apple and when you bite into it later you see it is spoiled. You can tell yourself "It was destiny. I was meant to have this bad apple." or "I need to learn how to be a better shopper."

But then again lets say the apple makes you very sick and you end up going to the emergency room of a hospital where you meet a doctor or nurse who you eventually end up marrying...etc

Inevitably one thing does lead to another. Every decision leads to another decision. When we think about how we met our significant other or spouse we might remember we almost did not go to that party, store, meeting, nightclub, take that route home, or join that dating site...etc. We wonder, was it meant to be?

We have control of a lot of things in life, but who comes in and out of it isn’t one of ‘em. Sure we can decide who we allow access to our heart and who gets the boot. When we’re introduced, where we meet and who we are at that time isn’t exactly something we can grab by the horns right that second.

There’s a quote that says people come into our lives for a reason, season or lifetime and I always hope you’re sticking around for the latter. But if you are a reason, it must be to show me that I need to fix the breaks and embrace the wounds. Perhaps you’ve served that purpose and any day now we’ll part ways. That’s a sad thought – heartbreaking in fact, but maybe that’s just the way it is. If you’re a season it’s because you were more necessary than you probably realized and a significant part of my surviving a difficult stretch in life. You provided the little bit of light in an abyss of darkness, the nourishment when I was starving, the ears when I needed a listener. Like most seasons though, you’ll run your course and suddenly be gone. Reasons and seasons both suck in the end, but they’re deserving of some appreciation if you take them for what they’re worth.

Now if you are a lifetime – well then that means everything is going to work out. The worries, concerns and uncertainty will eventually disappear. Being involved in each other’s forever may not show in the cards right now, but who’s to say that the next hand we’re dealt won’t make it visible? If you’re here for a lifetime then that changes everything. If you’re here for a lifetime we haven’t met at the worst time, we’ve met at the right one — the perfect one.

SPIRIT: RELATIONSHIP ARE MIRROR IMAGES OF WHO YOU ARE

Emotionally we are drawn to people who feel familiar on an energetic level.  That is, people who, on an emotional vibrational level, resonate with us as being familiar.  It feels to us as if we have a strong connection to those people.  In other words, we have an inner radar system that causes us to be attracted to people who resonate vibrationally in a way that is familiar on an emotionally intimate level.  We are attracted to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our most powerful and earliest experience of emotional intimacy and love - our parents."

Codependents focus on others to keep from looking at self.  We need to let go of focusing on the other person and start focusing inside to understand what is happening.  Our adult patterns, the people we have been in relationship with, are symptoms - effects of our childhood wounding.  We cannot solve a problem without looking at the cause.  Focusing on symptoms (which our society is famous for:  war on drugs;  war on poverty: etc.) will not heal the cause.

The reason that we get involved with people who are unavailable, is because we are unavailable.

In our disease defense system we build up huge walls to protect ourselves and then - as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or deprivation - we lower the drawbridge and invite them in.  We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals - exactly the ones who will "push our buttons."

This happens because those people feel familiar.  Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most - were the most familiar - hurt us the most.  So the effect is that we keep repeating our patterns and being given the reminder that it is not safe to trust ourselves or other people .

Once we begin healing we can see that the Truth is that it is not safe to trust as long as we are reacting out of the emotional wounds and attitudes of our childhoods.  Once we start Recovering, then we can begin to see that on a Spiritual level these repeating behavior patterns are opportunities to heal the childhood wounds.

I spent most of my life being the victim of my own thoughts, my own emotions, my own behaviors.  I was consistently picking untrustworthy people to trust and unavailable people to love.  I could not trust my own emotions because I was incapable of being honest with myself emotionally - which made me incapable of Truly being honest on any level.

No matter how much we are making an effort on a conscious level to not pick anyone like our parents, energetically we feel a strong attraction to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our first experience of love.  It was very important for me to get aware of the reality that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate, I had better watch out.  Those are exactly the people who will fit my patterns - recreate my wounding.

It was very important for me to recognize the power of this type of attraction.  And also to realize, that on a Spiritual level, these people were teachers who were in my life to help me get in touch with my childhood wounds.  It was vital for me to start being aware that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate it did not mean we were going to live happily ever after.  What it meant was that I was being given another wonderful, and painful, opportunity for growth.

Becoming conscious of these emotional energetic dynamics was a very important part of owning my power.  My power to make choices, to accept consequences, to take responsibility for my choices and consequences - and to not buy into the belief that I was being victimized by the other person, or my own defectiveness.

What is so important, is to let go of focusing on that person as the cause of, or solution to, my problems.  We are in our codependency as long as we are focusing on the other person and buying into the illusion that if we just:  work a little harder;  lose some more weight;  make some more money;  do and/or say the right things;  whatever;  that person will change and be everything we want them to be.

Codependents focus on others to keep from looking at self.  We need to let go of focusing on the other person and start focusing inside to understand what is happening.  Our adult patterns, the people we have been in relationship with, are symptoms - effects of our childhood wounding.  We cannot solve a problem without looking at the cause.  Focusing on symptoms (which our society is famous for:  war on drugs;  war on poverty: etc.) will not heal the cause.

The reason that we get involved with people who are unavailable, is because we are unavailable.  We are attracted to people who feel familiar because on some level we are still trying to prove our worth by earning the Love and respect of our unavailable parents.  We think we are going to rescue the other person which will prove our worth - or that we need them to rescue us because of our lack of worth.  The princess will kiss me and turn me from a frog into a prince, the prince will rescue me and take me to live in the castle, syndrome.

We need to own our own worth - our own "Prince or Princess" ness - before we can be available for a healthy relationship with some one who has owned their own worth.

It is not possible to love someone enough to get them to stop hating, and being unavailable, to them self.  We need to let go of that delusion.  We need to focus on healing our self - on understanding and healing the emotional wounds that have driven us to pick people who could not give us what we want emotionally.  We need to develop some healthy emotional intimacy with ourselves before we are capable of being available for a healthy relationships with someone who is also available.




PART II


Understand that other people are your mirror. A simple concept, yet one that many people are either unwilling, or unable, to grasp. Summed up, it is simply that other people reflect you. Your emotions, your traits, and your feelings are reflected back at you from other people either through in-kind responses or through predictable reactions to the emotions or feelings that you're issuing.

Perhaps even more surprising is the reality that the reflection is perfect, even if the "reflector" is almost invariably not. For example, you might feel condescension, irritability, or dismissiveness toward another person, which lowers your estimation of them and causes you to treat them less seriously; yet in doing so, you ignore the fact that they reflect your negative appraisal of them.

Intellectually challenged people can provide the highest quality reflections for others' behavior, while being personally oblivious that a "mirror" exists; this has to do with their lack of inhibition and their inability to dissemble. Such people more innately reflect the signals and body language you are sending them.

"Normal" people usually reflect, also, until they have learned to mask (these go on to wonder why they can't feel anything, have no passion) It is quite easy to go through your entire life, and never develop the innate skill of spotting yourself being reflected in other people;



Recognize that people say things to you, or about you, for a reason. While it can be easy (in fact it's human nature) to dismiss anything not felt to be relevant, or not seen to be complimentary, and to see it rather as a reflection of the person saying or commenting about things you're not comfortable with (to an extent it's about them but that's not the whole story), for the most part it probably has a grain of truth in it for you. Even if it is painful and your ego tempts you to reject it out of hand, be alert to this probability.

Joanne- was a reflection of my romantic side.
Melissa- I don't know ...after Melissa...when everything I did wasn't good enough....but I had the best sex with her...It like after her..i lost part of my me forever. The part that believed in love
Ex wife- I really don't know if she ever loved me or not. Her action weren't loving most of the time. She had no empathy...does that mean...i have no empathy?

MOM and Dad: everything I do is wrong...never perfect..never right.



Recognize that this person-to-person mirror is a two-way mirror. Just as people say things to or about you for various, possibly obscure but knowable reasons, recognize when you do the same thing. Examine why you may have said a certain thing; usually, this self-examination will occur after the fact.



People who are unwilling to reflect on how their words and actions appear to others can end up not caring about how they are viewed and in turn, this shows up as not caring about others either. This can make them seem selfish, aloof, and perhaps even vacant and after an initial enthusiastic encounter with such a character, you may have initially felt they were attractive, or interesting, only to quickly realize that they are blinded to their effect on others and have little to share because they hide within themselves.


My cuckold fantasy...pushing woman away...what is the story with that..maybe I don't think i deserve to be in a relationship. Maybe I am not worthy for love since I am not perfect.



Consider that a person whom you detest is invariably your perfect mirror – they are just like you. While this may seem strange or even offensive to you, experience often bears it out. The reason is that we invariably overlook behaviors in ourselves that we can't tolerate in another. By allowing the other person to carry the burden of our own disliked inner quirks or weaknesses, we shield ourselves from having to meet our less likable aspects head on and choose instead to view the unlikable traits as the fault of the other person.

My wife was a fake...does that make me a fake?
My parent constantly critize me..does that mean i am the same way...if it is...i am a horrible person.

Often we see this as insurmountable because we choose to believe that the other person is the one generating the unwanted behavior. However, this blinds us to realizing that we're just locking horns with traits we haven't yet learned to deal with well inside of ourselves.

People who are very much alike often detest each other on sight, because behavior patterns are ingrained, and similar, if not universal - meaning that behavioral twins can sense each other in the merest gesture.


Continue seeing yourself as others see you throughout life. This isn't a one-off exercise. It's something that will benefit you and your relationships for all time, and as such, it's essential that you continue to remain alert and willing to see yourself reflected in others around you. Once you have refined seeing yourself,exactly as others see you, by witnessing the reflections in and from others, you will find yourself more forgiving of others, more willing to reach out and pull people through awkward moments and difficult times because you see not only your own struggles but theirs too, all intertwined as one. And all this takes is constant self-examination, self-honesty, and a willingnessto step outside yourself regularly.


Controlling behavior is negative behavior and can lead to perfectionism, unreal expectations, and can easily transfer to wanting to control others to make them stop reflecting the part of ourselves we're not liking. Instead, try to balance your negative self with your strengths and positive self. We cannot be whole until we embrace the parts of ourselves we don't always like and we do best when we acknowledge our shortcomings and learn to treat them with humor and openness rather than attempting to stifle them or blame their existence on someone or something else.


The types of behavior that we don't like in others that we're likely to be indulging in just as frequently ourselves includes anger, gossiping, whining and complaining, criticizing, acting like a martyr, etc. Each of these behaviors can easily be one in which we're complicit and acting out ourselves and when we are especially bothered by seeing these behaviors in others, it's likely the mirror is telling us that it's time for us to learn a lesson and put a stop to our own negative behavior.

When being about someone makes you feel negative, this is an indicator that you need to look inside, not at the other person. What about that person's behavior is especially bothering you? Pinpoint it and then look for it within. It may be obvious or it may be something you've repressed; the more you've repressed it, the deeper you're going to have to dig to get to the nub of it.

You don't need to assume that you are completely smothered by the negative trait that you dislike in another. It may simply be that your radar is alert because you've started allowing yourself to gossip too much lately, or you've been giving in to complaining instead of acting, or you've started to be lazy instead of thoughtful. The trait that bothers you is likely to be one that is recent, something you know you need to deal with, and is magnified simply because it is the trait or behavior that you need to deal with at this point in time. Over time, the various triggers may change, and that's as it should be, because we are always growing and changing through life, including awakening new negative aspects of ourselves that need to be dealt with!


A man noticed that his axe was missing. Then he saw the neighbor's son pass by. The boy looked like a thief, walked like a thief, behaved like a thief, Later that day, the man found his axe where he had left it the day before. The next time he saw his neighbor's son, the boy looked, walked, and behaved like an honest, ordinary boy.

Much unconscious mirroring is happening all the time; it is more pronounced in our close relationships and we are mirroring others just as they mirror us. Learning to see yourself as others see you is an important way of breaking this unconscious bind and injecting balance into our lives by seeking to give out the best of ourselves and to mirror back the best of others. Learning to balance mirroring takes practice, compassion, and a willingness to keep trying; in that way, not only do you learn from others but you become their positive teacher in turn.

When you stop spending time with someone because you ceased to get along with them, if you haven't faced the negative reflections they presented you with, you are most likely to go and find a very similar person to take their place, just so that your negative self continues to be reflected back at you. The only way to stop this pattern is to face up to those negative aspects as belonging to you first and foremost and to stop blaming the other for your reactions.

LOVE: GIVING UP YOUR SELFISHNESS

Most women in their late 30s could get married tomorrow, if they really, really wanted to. There are gazillions of men who would marry them at the drop of a hat - but the feeling probably isn’t mutual. In this world they didn’t get married in their 20s because they didn’t want to and were picky. Now they want to, but they’re still picky

They marry expecting they have found someone who will love them. Sooner or later they discover the wonder that they have actually found someone to love. It's their choice. Will I give love, or will I demand to be loved? That decision will determine whether you have a happy marriage. If the adjustment to living with another person doesn't wash away your selfishness, the babies will. But oh, the rewards. Freedom from self self self all the time is wonderful. Raising a family of fantastic human beings is beyond description, and sharing life with a good man...ah, but the ticket to these treasures is readiness to take the risk of giving up your selfishness.

JOURNAL: WHY I HAVEN'T REMARRIED

I hadn’t yet found anyone I could envision as my life partner for a long time.. I seemed to be waiting for a switch to flip inside me, some internal confirmation that this person I was going to me was the one for me.  I became aware that I was hesitating at least partially because to make any choice was simultaneously to not choose everyone else—but I overcame that obstacle as soon as I realized it was an issue.  I only had to remind myself that most of the world’s billions of people would never make their way in front of me.  Almost certainly somewhere someone more wonderful for me was out there (just as almost certainly someone more wonderful than me was out there for her—neither of us is perfect nor perfect for each other), but she had to some of my deal breaker.

I began to wonder just why I still wasn’t remarried.  After my divorce, I didn’t think that marriage was necessary for happiness or that a married life was even necessarily happier than a single one.  But I’d always envisioned myself being married.  So why wasn’t I?  Had it only been a matter of not finding the right person, as I’d always presumed?

For reasons unclear to me, I found my thoughts drifting back to my early years.... and now when I was living completely alone  and as I thought back on it, I realized it was one of the happiest periods of my life.  Why?  Because when I came home at the end of the day I came home to an empty kingdom—one in which I had complete freedom to do whatever I wanted.  No one else lived in my personal space to ask favors of me or require my help or have an opinion about what do to that was contrary to my own.  That freedom, I suddenly realized, was what I really wanted more than anything else. At that moment, I discovered to my complete surprise that the true reason I was still single was that I wanted to be.  I wanted to be alone.  I was stunned.

Being alone was the strategy I used to protect myself against the demands placed on me by others. This, then, I realized, was the true answer to why I’d felt so anxious to get married. Most of my ex girlfriend were compunction at all about expressing their desires about anything:  let’s go shopping, let’s go for a bike ride, let’s watch a movie.  And though I didn’t dislike any of those things (except for the shopping), I often didn’t want to do them when They did.  My anxiety arose because I felt helpless to determine the direction I wanted my life to go when they were in it.  If I couldn’t express and take care of my own needs in a relationship, how could I ever accomplish my own life’s goals?  Up to that point, remaining unattached was the only strategy I’d discovered (unconsciously until that moment) that I felt capable of executing.  So I’d remained unmarried.


In that moment of understanding, I decided I didn’t want to remain as I was.  I needed to learn to take care of myself once and for all, even in the midst of a relationship, so that not only could I have a relationship but also enjoy it.  Any woman that I was going to be with was an opportunity for me to forge myself into a stronger, happier person.  And in that moment, I realized what my campaign had actually been about all along:  not finding my wife but growing into a person who could actually have one.

SPIRIT: THINKING ABOUT LIFE

It was about few years ago, before I was interested in this spiritual thing at all. I was just laying there on my bed one morning thinking the usual stuff you think about before you get out of bed. I had my eyes closed and I was still quite tired but I knew I had to get up soon so I made the effort. Oh dear! I couldn't move - I had sleep paralysis. I had felt this before and knew that with enough effort I could wiggle out of it. But I couldn't! After about a minute I realized that I was completely stuck. I was incredibly awake, though, in my mind. I though it was quite amusing at first but as the time went on I got scared. What if I am stuck like this forever? I was getting really panicky! My entire body was frozen. What if they think I am dead and bury me alive? I thought!!

Ahhh!! A few more minutes went past and in that time I realized that I was still talking to myself, still conscious and I spent a little while, for the first time in my life, actually questioning what I was. Am I just a brain? What am I? I was asking myself. I had a really bad feeling that I had actually died, and what I was experiencing was the last few electrical pulses of my brain. I felt really sad but realized that there was nothing I could do. I felt quite calm and decided just to slip off in to 'death' (which I thought was the end, just nothingness).

As I relaxed a small blue 'ring' appeared. As soon as I thought about it, it went away again. I relaxed once more and this blue ring came back - it slowly got bigger and bigger. As soon as I 'engaged my mind' and thought about the blue ring it simply floated back the other way. For a few moments I was playing with this blue ring making it get smaller and bigger. In the end I just relaxed, ignored this steadily increasing blue ring and just 'let things happen.'

The ring got bigger and bigger until....... BOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I seemed to go 'through' the blue ring and I was quite amazed to find myself actually floating about in my bedroom! I knew I was still this consciousness thing and I could tell I had no body. I started floating around my room. Wow this is great, I thought! But then, like a ton-of bricks, a realization hit me. I was really dead (well so I thought)! I thought about my family and friends and felt sad. I was dead. The end.......

But then another realization hit me! I WAS ACTUALLY STILL ALIVE!!!! I realized that I WAS NOT MY BRAIN! I didn't know exactly what I was but I knew that I was a point of consciousness that was currently floating around my bedroom. Yes! I thought. There really is life after death!!!!!!

As soon as I thought that last thought there was another BOOM and I was back in my bed, unparalyzed. But I still KNOW that it was definitely no dream. It really happened.

When I was ready one day I asked myself the ultimate question: "What is it all about?" I then went into a meditative trance state and had the most unimaginable, unexplainable experience you could possibly have.

I was paralyzed, I had somehow slipped into a trance, yet I was totally conscious. Unlike when this happened before, this time I couldn't get out of it. "Whats going on?" I asked in my mind again. "You wanted to know what it's all about," came the thought back...

Bang! All of a sudden I woke up. Very strange, I thought and sat up. Whatever happened? Bang! I woke up again! Still lying in my bed! Wow, I thought I woke up but I didn't! Weird. Bang! I woke once more. This is getting freaky I thought! Bang! Awake! Bang......... Bang....... Bang.....bang..... Bang.... Bang... Bang.. BanBanBaBBBBB... These 'false awakenings' got faster and faster and faster until they were producing a constant stream. There was 'No-Time' between these false awakenings. At that point something amazing happened.

I realized I was not me. I was something else, something greater. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I REMEMBERED who I was. I was pure consciousness, I was ALL THAT EXISTED. I was NOTHINGNESS! I was GOD! God was me!

I thought AS GOD - I remembered the reason for creating life. It was the most painful, undescribable loneliness ever, yet at the same time the most wonderful joyful experience as I (being God) created life. Light from the darkness. Life - a positive choice. I realized that I was God and God lived through me (and everybody else, also being me). I understood the true meaning of the One, as that is all that ever has and will exist. No time, only one continuous moment - now. Consciousness is the only thing that exists.

I now had a life! I was still this 'pure consciousness / God' but out of my loneliness I had created life out of myself and now I was experiencing it - actually living it! Through Me (being God) I had chosen life. Positive from negative, light from darkness, everything from nothingness. Everything made sense! I was so happy!  I was not alone anymore! I thanked God again and again for creating us, knowing that I was as much him (her/it whatever) as he was me!

No wonder he loves us because he is us! No wonder we should love each other because we are all parts of the same one consciousness!

Everything was perfect! For the first time it all made sense. I believe in a 'God'. All those kids who think he is an old man with a white beard who sits on a cloud!! I also realized existence was made instantaneously and there is no such thing as time. We live in that one moment where He chose life. It will last for eternity because He never wants to experience such pain of loneliness again.

That was where my journey started. I didn't like to believe in my experiences at first as I thought it was my ego wanting to say 'I am above everybody else.' So I convinced myself that it was impossible that I had experienced 'the ultimate' or merged to the source. I realized that I couldn't 'prove' my experience to anybody but putting up with the ridicule just made me stronger. I realized what a closed-minded bunch of people the majority of humans were and I realized that there was so much more to learn about life. I knew we lived forever, so that led me to the big question.... "So what's the purpose of this life?" I made it the goal for the rest of my life to find out!



God is all. I mean really ALL. It is a force which IS us, not above us, not below us, but IS us. We are God, God is US, we exist because of him, he exists because of us. By us I mean everything: you, me, your pet cat, the sand on a beach. There is only one, but the one is split into an infinite amount.


It was scary for 1 second when I thought I was dead, then I realized that THERE IS NO DEATH! So what can harm us? Nothing! People are scared but if only they would understand

The biggest thing to remember is that BELIEF CREATES - especially in the afterlife. This is why positive thinking works... and this is why negative thinking (black magic) works. This is why some people who have NDEs experience hells or heavens.

Believe, because you create your own reality. God is a schizophrenic who is living in his own dream as many many characters. You are one of those characters. The thing is, each Character IS God, in totality. When a character knows (remembers) this it is called being "God realized" or - enlightened. The external 'dream' (that we experience as our reality) is created by the beliefs and desires of God (which is us). Never under estimate the power of your own belief. BELIEVE in your own belief... your own Godly power, and you can consciously create and direct the movie of your life... If you can dream it, YOU CAN DO IT. Do not entertain doubt - by doubting you are simply believing in the non achievement of your dream! "Consciously directed positive mental energy"— that's what it's all about!

REVIEWS: BLOW..." MONEY ISN'T REAL"

One of my favorite movies is "Blow." It's a true story of George Jung (played by the fabulous Johnny Depp), who became part of the Pablo Escobar drug cartels and was largely responsible for smuggling cocaine into the U.S. in the 60s and 70s. Now, obviously, this isn't a "feel-good" kind of movie...but it's intriguing and Johnny Depp is at his best.

My very favorite scene in the whole movie is in the opening few minutes when George, as a young boy, is talking to his father, played by the amazing Ray Liota. His father's self-made business has just gone under and they are in a precarious financial position, teetering on bankruptcy. George is expressing concern over the fact that they are out of money and how his prissy, high-maintenance mother will take this news. Without missing a beat, his father looks at him and says, "Money isn't real, George. It just seems like it is."

This has become my new favorite one liner..."Money isn't real." Because, it isn't.

Coincidentally, I just recently watched the newly released HBO film, "Too Big to Fail," about the collapse of Lehman Brothers and the ensuing bailout of AIG by the federal government. It was fascinating how our government and our society placed so much blind faith in Wall Street. CEOs that were taking home millions of dollars in bonuses each year and even just the "peons" that were bringing home six figure salaries. Listening to the numbers they were throwing out was mind boggling...and frightening.There is no one on this planet, no job, that is worth tens of millions of dollars a year.. And how sad is it that our financial "gurus" make exponentially more than our congressmen, senators, and even our president? Or our soldiers? Or the police and firefighters that risk their lives to protect us? What is wrong with our society that this is how we prioritize? No matter what you think of the government, it says something about how we value these roles when the President of our country makes significantly less than the president of a bank.

Watching the movie, there was a human part of me that had a small amount of compassion for these people who were watching their entire lives crumble beneath them. But, the bigger part of me said, "Money isn't real."

I watched the story of these CEOs and bank higher-ups whose lives collapsed under their feet, I kind of thought it was a good lesson. Their whole lives were built upon a falsehood that having millions of dollars, multiple homes, fancy cars, and expensive clothes bought them security and made them infallible...that they were better than the rest of us because they could buy things the rest of us can't even imagine being able to afford.

Now, I will readily admit that having money certainly makes life a little easier and less stressful. But, I can't even imagine what it would be like to be able to buy whatever we want whenever we want, without thinking about how we'll pay for it. And though I would love to win the lottery, I don't want to lose the values that we have now...the values that make us think about what we're purchasing, how we're going to pay for it, and where the money is coming from. Those values have taught us that we have to work for and earn the things we have...and that we aren't immune from the ups and downs of life. We save money so that we don't have to worry about "what if?" We've had times where we were more flush and had a lot more discretionary income, and we've had times where we're squeaking by, paycheck to paycheck. And guess what I've discovered?

Money isn't real...it just seems like it is.

When going back to my childhood - I don't think about the "richer" times as the "happier" times. The happiest times have been almost the opposite in a way.. None of this required a big house, or a big boat, or shoes that cost more than my house payment. Nor should they...what IS real are relationships and the values you carry in this life.

And none of the thing that matter can be bought...and none will collapse with the failure of Wall Street.