SPIRIT: RELATIONSHIP ARE MIRROR IMAGES OF WHO YOU ARE

Emotionally we are drawn to people who feel familiar on an energetic level.  That is, people who, on an emotional vibrational level, resonate with us as being familiar.  It feels to us as if we have a strong connection to those people.  In other words, we have an inner radar system that causes us to be attracted to people who resonate vibrationally in a way that is familiar on an emotionally intimate level.  We are attracted to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our most powerful and earliest experience of emotional intimacy and love - our parents."

Codependents focus on others to keep from looking at self.  We need to let go of focusing on the other person and start focusing inside to understand what is happening.  Our adult patterns, the people we have been in relationship with, are symptoms - effects of our childhood wounding.  We cannot solve a problem without looking at the cause.  Focusing on symptoms (which our society is famous for:  war on drugs;  war on poverty: etc.) will not heal the cause.

The reason that we get involved with people who are unavailable, is because we are unavailable.

In our disease defense system we build up huge walls to protect ourselves and then - as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or deprivation - we lower the drawbridge and invite them in.  We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals - exactly the ones who will "push our buttons."

This happens because those people feel familiar.  Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most - were the most familiar - hurt us the most.  So the effect is that we keep repeating our patterns and being given the reminder that it is not safe to trust ourselves or other people .

Once we begin healing we can see that the Truth is that it is not safe to trust as long as we are reacting out of the emotional wounds and attitudes of our childhoods.  Once we start Recovering, then we can begin to see that on a Spiritual level these repeating behavior patterns are opportunities to heal the childhood wounds.

I spent most of my life being the victim of my own thoughts, my own emotions, my own behaviors.  I was consistently picking untrustworthy people to trust and unavailable people to love.  I could not trust my own emotions because I was incapable of being honest with myself emotionally - which made me incapable of Truly being honest on any level.

No matter how much we are making an effort on a conscious level to not pick anyone like our parents, energetically we feel a strong attraction to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our first experience of love.  It was very important for me to get aware of the reality that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate, I had better watch out.  Those are exactly the people who will fit my patterns - recreate my wounding.

It was very important for me to recognize the power of this type of attraction.  And also to realize, that on a Spiritual level, these people were teachers who were in my life to help me get in touch with my childhood wounds.  It was vital for me to start being aware that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate it did not mean we were going to live happily ever after.  What it meant was that I was being given another wonderful, and painful, opportunity for growth.

Becoming conscious of these emotional energetic dynamics was a very important part of owning my power.  My power to make choices, to accept consequences, to take responsibility for my choices and consequences - and to not buy into the belief that I was being victimized by the other person, or my own defectiveness.

What is so important, is to let go of focusing on that person as the cause of, or solution to, my problems.  We are in our codependency as long as we are focusing on the other person and buying into the illusion that if we just:  work a little harder;  lose some more weight;  make some more money;  do and/or say the right things;  whatever;  that person will change and be everything we want them to be.

Codependents focus on others to keep from looking at self.  We need to let go of focusing on the other person and start focusing inside to understand what is happening.  Our adult patterns, the people we have been in relationship with, are symptoms - effects of our childhood wounding.  We cannot solve a problem without looking at the cause.  Focusing on symptoms (which our society is famous for:  war on drugs;  war on poverty: etc.) will not heal the cause.

The reason that we get involved with people who are unavailable, is because we are unavailable.  We are attracted to people who feel familiar because on some level we are still trying to prove our worth by earning the Love and respect of our unavailable parents.  We think we are going to rescue the other person which will prove our worth - or that we need them to rescue us because of our lack of worth.  The princess will kiss me and turn me from a frog into a prince, the prince will rescue me and take me to live in the castle, syndrome.

We need to own our own worth - our own "Prince or Princess" ness - before we can be available for a healthy relationship with some one who has owned their own worth.

It is not possible to love someone enough to get them to stop hating, and being unavailable, to them self.  We need to let go of that delusion.  We need to focus on healing our self - on understanding and healing the emotional wounds that have driven us to pick people who could not give us what we want emotionally.  We need to develop some healthy emotional intimacy with ourselves before we are capable of being available for a healthy relationships with someone who is also available.




PART II


Understand that other people are your mirror. A simple concept, yet one that many people are either unwilling, or unable, to grasp. Summed up, it is simply that other people reflect you. Your emotions, your traits, and your feelings are reflected back at you from other people either through in-kind responses or through predictable reactions to the emotions or feelings that you're issuing.

Perhaps even more surprising is the reality that the reflection is perfect, even if the "reflector" is almost invariably not. For example, you might feel condescension, irritability, or dismissiveness toward another person, which lowers your estimation of them and causes you to treat them less seriously; yet in doing so, you ignore the fact that they reflect your negative appraisal of them.

Intellectually challenged people can provide the highest quality reflections for others' behavior, while being personally oblivious that a "mirror" exists; this has to do with their lack of inhibition and their inability to dissemble. Such people more innately reflect the signals and body language you are sending them.

"Normal" people usually reflect, also, until they have learned to mask (these go on to wonder why they can't feel anything, have no passion) It is quite easy to go through your entire life, and never develop the innate skill of spotting yourself being reflected in other people;



Recognize that people say things to you, or about you, for a reason. While it can be easy (in fact it's human nature) to dismiss anything not felt to be relevant, or not seen to be complimentary, and to see it rather as a reflection of the person saying or commenting about things you're not comfortable with (to an extent it's about them but that's not the whole story), for the most part it probably has a grain of truth in it for you. Even if it is painful and your ego tempts you to reject it out of hand, be alert to this probability.

Joanne- was a reflection of my romantic side.
Melissa- I don't know ...after Melissa...when everything I did wasn't good enough....but I had the best sex with her...It like after her..i lost part of my me forever. The part that believed in love
Ex wife- I really don't know if she ever loved me or not. Her action weren't loving most of the time. She had no empathy...does that mean...i have no empathy?

MOM and Dad: everything I do is wrong...never perfect..never right.



Recognize that this person-to-person mirror is a two-way mirror. Just as people say things to or about you for various, possibly obscure but knowable reasons, recognize when you do the same thing. Examine why you may have said a certain thing; usually, this self-examination will occur after the fact.



People who are unwilling to reflect on how their words and actions appear to others can end up not caring about how they are viewed and in turn, this shows up as not caring about others either. This can make them seem selfish, aloof, and perhaps even vacant and after an initial enthusiastic encounter with such a character, you may have initially felt they were attractive, or interesting, only to quickly realize that they are blinded to their effect on others and have little to share because they hide within themselves.


My cuckold fantasy...pushing woman away...what is the story with that..maybe I don't think i deserve to be in a relationship. Maybe I am not worthy for love since I am not perfect.



Consider that a person whom you detest is invariably your perfect mirror – they are just like you. While this may seem strange or even offensive to you, experience often bears it out. The reason is that we invariably overlook behaviors in ourselves that we can't tolerate in another. By allowing the other person to carry the burden of our own disliked inner quirks or weaknesses, we shield ourselves from having to meet our less likable aspects head on and choose instead to view the unlikable traits as the fault of the other person.

My wife was a fake...does that make me a fake?
My parent constantly critize me..does that mean i am the same way...if it is...i am a horrible person.

Often we see this as insurmountable because we choose to believe that the other person is the one generating the unwanted behavior. However, this blinds us to realizing that we're just locking horns with traits we haven't yet learned to deal with well inside of ourselves.

People who are very much alike often detest each other on sight, because behavior patterns are ingrained, and similar, if not universal - meaning that behavioral twins can sense each other in the merest gesture.


Continue seeing yourself as others see you throughout life. This isn't a one-off exercise. It's something that will benefit you and your relationships for all time, and as such, it's essential that you continue to remain alert and willing to see yourself reflected in others around you. Once you have refined seeing yourself,exactly as others see you, by witnessing the reflections in and from others, you will find yourself more forgiving of others, more willing to reach out and pull people through awkward moments and difficult times because you see not only your own struggles but theirs too, all intertwined as one. And all this takes is constant self-examination, self-honesty, and a willingnessto step outside yourself regularly.


Controlling behavior is negative behavior and can lead to perfectionism, unreal expectations, and can easily transfer to wanting to control others to make them stop reflecting the part of ourselves we're not liking. Instead, try to balance your negative self with your strengths and positive self. We cannot be whole until we embrace the parts of ourselves we don't always like and we do best when we acknowledge our shortcomings and learn to treat them with humor and openness rather than attempting to stifle them or blame their existence on someone or something else.


The types of behavior that we don't like in others that we're likely to be indulging in just as frequently ourselves includes anger, gossiping, whining and complaining, criticizing, acting like a martyr, etc. Each of these behaviors can easily be one in which we're complicit and acting out ourselves and when we are especially bothered by seeing these behaviors in others, it's likely the mirror is telling us that it's time for us to learn a lesson and put a stop to our own negative behavior.

When being about someone makes you feel negative, this is an indicator that you need to look inside, not at the other person. What about that person's behavior is especially bothering you? Pinpoint it and then look for it within. It may be obvious or it may be something you've repressed; the more you've repressed it, the deeper you're going to have to dig to get to the nub of it.

You don't need to assume that you are completely smothered by the negative trait that you dislike in another. It may simply be that your radar is alert because you've started allowing yourself to gossip too much lately, or you've been giving in to complaining instead of acting, or you've started to be lazy instead of thoughtful. The trait that bothers you is likely to be one that is recent, something you know you need to deal with, and is magnified simply because it is the trait or behavior that you need to deal with at this point in time. Over time, the various triggers may change, and that's as it should be, because we are always growing and changing through life, including awakening new negative aspects of ourselves that need to be dealt with!


A man noticed that his axe was missing. Then he saw the neighbor's son pass by. The boy looked like a thief, walked like a thief, behaved like a thief, Later that day, the man found his axe where he had left it the day before. The next time he saw his neighbor's son, the boy looked, walked, and behaved like an honest, ordinary boy.

Much unconscious mirroring is happening all the time; it is more pronounced in our close relationships and we are mirroring others just as they mirror us. Learning to see yourself as others see you is an important way of breaking this unconscious bind and injecting balance into our lives by seeking to give out the best of ourselves and to mirror back the best of others. Learning to balance mirroring takes practice, compassion, and a willingness to keep trying; in that way, not only do you learn from others but you become their positive teacher in turn.

When you stop spending time with someone because you ceased to get along with them, if you haven't faced the negative reflections they presented you with, you are most likely to go and find a very similar person to take their place, just so that your negative self continues to be reflected back at you. The only way to stop this pattern is to face up to those negative aspects as belonging to you first and foremost and to stop blaming the other for your reactions.