If sensuality were
a subject; an object
then I would reveal it's
substantial form as a
lesson, or a sculpture
to either appetite.
I'd be the driven scholar;
the reveler of art.
But it's neither,
it is you, unexplainably
round your mouth.
2
On that very magical night we met
with all the stars so bright looking down on us
so many thoughts and feelings were running through me,
I couldn't seem to find just the right words to say towards you,
I honestly didn't think anyone could make me feel that way,
If this is what they call love - it's beautiful, I hope
in my wildest precious dreams that I never lose you,
I love this feeling that I waited for so long to find out for myself
what people were talking about of true love,
What a priceless gift anyone could ever have in the world,
who can ask for anything more...
3
I must be dreaming
Or living in a fantasy
I tell you now
If you must enter
Please do so quietly
For this dream
That I am having
Is one so wonderful
That I do not wish for it to end
So please tread carefully
And do not bump my bed
In case this dream
Should crumble and fade
Like a distant memory
In my sleep I pray
That I may sleep forever
In this total state of bliss!
4
My love pours out
As if from a spout
It overwhelms me
And it drowns me
I want to tell you
I want to love you
My heart races
As I do my paces
My heart cries out
My love spreads about
I long for your face
To be my ace
In the game of life
Amidst all its strife
Be my love
5
She is the melodies that course through my veins...
She is the harmony that soothes all of my pain...
She is the words that poetry tries to say...
She is the reason I always feel this way...
She is the reason I sleep so well at night...
She is the reason why I never ever cry...
She is the power that aids me if I?m weak...
She is the angel God sent for me to keep...
She is my soul mate? my lover and my friend...
She is the one love I know will never end...
She is my heart, my soul and my life...
She is the one I hope to make my wife.
6
A lovely girl breathed into me
Her smell, so cool as a summer breeze
And her eyes spoke a language of peace
Understood by no one else but me
She gave love that my heart received
And a gentle kiss right above my cheek
She quickly squeezed my hand at ease
Inviting me to her love supreme
All but love my heart requests
From a gentle source, so real as hers
What I received...a sweet delight
A golden love that leads to life
Eternal love she pledged at last
Unfailing love that flows from the heart
In pain and sorrow I rest assured...
That her love for me will never die
Monday, June 9, 2014
Sunday, June 8, 2014
LOVE/ DATING: WHAT IF....WHAT IF
What If...what If...
What If...what If...
What if some one had loved me enough to own me......and use up all the love brimming iside this tenderheart............what if some one some where waits for me...because...it is not yet time....what if I don't become grey and teethless and wrinkled without getting what I deserve...It would be wonderful to know....But no way.. I sometimes wonder ...whether forever really can mean forever...when someone tells u that they will always be there no matter what whether that really can mean just that...or is it meant as "I will always be there until your life becomes too complex..or until u no longer are the image of what I wanted u to be...or until I get bored and the next best thing just so happens to come along..." I sometimes wonder how a person can say forever when all they really mean is...until further notice. Like that song says...we hide in the spaces between our lies because its safer than to open ourselves up to others in fear that they too do not know the meaning of 'forever'
What If...what If...
What if some one had loved me enough to own me......and use up all the love brimming iside this tenderheart............what if some one some where waits for me...because...it is not yet time....what if I don't become grey and teethless and wrinkled without getting what I deserve...It would be wonderful to know....But no way.. I sometimes wonder ...whether forever really can mean forever...when someone tells u that they will always be there no matter what whether that really can mean just that...or is it meant as "I will always be there until your life becomes too complex..or until u no longer are the image of what I wanted u to be...or until I get bored and the next best thing just so happens to come along..." I sometimes wonder how a person can say forever when all they really mean is...until further notice. Like that song says...we hide in the spaces between our lies because its safer than to open ourselves up to others in fear that they too do not know the meaning of 'forever'
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Friday, June 6, 2014
POETRY: WAITING FOR THE SOUND OF HER
The soft music plays
inside my troubled mind tonight,
I am reading a poem of love,
of someone else loving.
I am touched and I cry,
it has reached out
to this lonely soul sitting silently,
waiting for the sound of her.
All stops in those moments
where I feel the intruder
into the life- the love,
of these other two.
But I cannot turn away
from those words, those images
that they give to me- and I know,
how much, I love you.
I am touched, inside love again,
and my heart soars with the knowing
that you love me back,
my need is so great for your touch.
I am so grateful
for this short gift in my life,
and I wonder if she will ever know
what her love did for me
2
As I sit here watching you sleep
I see you in your dream world
Where everything is good and happy
Where I am and you are and where we live happily
As I sit here watching you sleep
I see that you are safe and sound
In a place where no one or nothing can harm you
In your happy slumberland, you dream of us
As I sit here watching you sleep
I see the pure innocent you
I hope nothing takes that innocence away
I hope we are together forever
As I sit here watching you sleep
I dream that we are together
Dreaming about a perfect day with you
Dreaming about all the fun we will have together
As I sit here watching you sleep
I fall more in love with who you are and not what you are
I fall more in love with what you have brought into my life
not what you have given me
I fall more and more in love with you for everything that you are
I fall more and more in love with all that makes you who you are.
As I sit here watching you sleep I know I love you and that is true
3
The facets of your loveliness are measured by more than beauty
Diamond like in quality, your attributes are clear
Like an able craftsman, always in trade and duty
The whisper of gentle sweetness resounds for all to hear
The splendor of nature's creatures
can do naught but hide in your shadow
Loved by all for your unsurpassed cheer and glee
So wondrous art thou in the wake you carve, others do follow
You are the woman all others strive constantly to be
From the day I met thee, to this day and tonight
From this day forward, 'till forever's long past
You'll be the jewel that crowns my delight
You're the love of my dreams come true at last
The facets of your loveliness make you priceless
The strength of our bond makes our love timeless
4
It's so amazing
how you can love someone so much
just the feel of their touch
would make you feel safe
for a thousand years,
so there's no need for tears
when they leave you one day,
because you still will be safe
but only in a different way,
and being with them can make
all of your problems just fade away,
so you can feel better
each and every day.
It's so amazing
how you can love someone so much
just seeing them will give you lust
for their love and passionate ways,
just looking at them
will put you in a heavy daze.
It's so amazing
how you can love someone so much
that you would do anything
just to hear their voice each day,
to make you happy in every way.
It's so amazing
how you can love someone so much,
but what's more amazing
is how much I love someone like you.
inside my troubled mind tonight,
I am reading a poem of love,
of someone else loving.
I am touched and I cry,
it has reached out
to this lonely soul sitting silently,
waiting for the sound of her.
All stops in those moments
where I feel the intruder
into the life- the love,
of these other two.
But I cannot turn away
from those words, those images
that they give to me- and I know,
how much, I love you.
I am touched, inside love again,
and my heart soars with the knowing
that you love me back,
my need is so great for your touch.
I am so grateful
for this short gift in my life,
and I wonder if she will ever know
what her love did for me
2
As I sit here watching you sleep
I see you in your dream world
Where everything is good and happy
Where I am and you are and where we live happily
As I sit here watching you sleep
I see that you are safe and sound
In a place where no one or nothing can harm you
In your happy slumberland, you dream of us
As I sit here watching you sleep
I see the pure innocent you
I hope nothing takes that innocence away
I hope we are together forever
As I sit here watching you sleep
I dream that we are together
Dreaming about a perfect day with you
Dreaming about all the fun we will have together
As I sit here watching you sleep
I fall more in love with who you are and not what you are
I fall more in love with what you have brought into my life
not what you have given me
I fall more and more in love with you for everything that you are
I fall more and more in love with all that makes you who you are.
As I sit here watching you sleep I know I love you and that is true
3
The facets of your loveliness are measured by more than beauty
Diamond like in quality, your attributes are clear
Like an able craftsman, always in trade and duty
The whisper of gentle sweetness resounds for all to hear
The splendor of nature's creatures
can do naught but hide in your shadow
Loved by all for your unsurpassed cheer and glee
So wondrous art thou in the wake you carve, others do follow
You are the woman all others strive constantly to be
From the day I met thee, to this day and tonight
From this day forward, 'till forever's long past
You'll be the jewel that crowns my delight
You're the love of my dreams come true at last
The facets of your loveliness make you priceless
The strength of our bond makes our love timeless
4
It's so amazing
how you can love someone so much
just the feel of their touch
would make you feel safe
for a thousand years,
so there's no need for tears
when they leave you one day,
because you still will be safe
but only in a different way,
and being with them can make
all of your problems just fade away,
so you can feel better
each and every day.
It's so amazing
how you can love someone so much
just seeing them will give you lust
for their love and passionate ways,
just looking at them
will put you in a heavy daze.
It's so amazing
how you can love someone so much
that you would do anything
just to hear their voice each day,
to make you happy in every way.
It's so amazing
how you can love someone so much,
but what's more amazing
is how much I love someone like you.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
PERSONAL: WOULD YOU SAVE MY SOUL TONIGHT
I believe that out of the blue, someone can just walk into your life, and make you realize why things never worked out with anyone else. And this is the person I was meant to be with... forever. Strangers are but a mere accident away from being profound lovers,.Everyone is finding it hard to find the right one The irony in it is that everyone thinks what they're going through is harder than what you are. Life isn't about surviving these things, it's about understanding this- We are all struggling.
When I was young, I used to think I was the weirdest person in the world. But then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone else out there who felt the same as me. Maybe that person might be out there wondering about me too? Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this... just know, that yes, it’s true I’m here and we're both weirdos
Love is something a lot more than to sleep with someone else, more than just to talk with that person. It’s to think of that person, wanting them to be happy, to wish them well, to care about them, showing consideration, listening when they are happy or when they're sad, encouraging, it is to show your love, to make that someone feel special, it is always waiting to hear their voice, keeping them in your mind, in your thoughts, and in your heart
The ache for "home" lives inside all of us, to be able to return to our safe place and not have to be stressed and burdeoned by the world. Home is where you are.Some people live in a bitter, angry, hate-filled world.
Some people living in a friendly, caring, love-filled world.Same world. but I want to find a woman who lives in the second world..Most people do not know how to love anymore. They don't know how to give it, or worse, even how to receive it. They have been so hurt, that they have put up walls to protect themselves, but at the same time, these walls have shut out the people that love them.
I want someone to love me for me, faults and all. Someone who cant fall asleep without being her last call. Someone who wants to be my last goodnight and my first hello. Someone who will hold my hand and not let it go. Someone who means it when she says, 'I will leave you never.'
Someone who looks into my eyes and sees her... Forever
I have reached the point in my life where I let my heart choose which paths to follow. I don't do this blindly. I take the time to think about it; about whether the path itself has a heart. Is it a good heart? Is it one of God's paths? If not, the path is of no use to me. But if it is a good path with a good heart, I will follow it to its end... excited, in awe, breathless
I need, therefore I dream. I take risks and sometimes I am hurt. But without risks there is no life. I have a history. We all have a history. I write to struggle against my silence. We all have the basic need and desire to be heard and understood.
When I was young, I used to think I was the weirdest person in the world. But then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone else out there who felt the same as me. Maybe that person might be out there wondering about me too? Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this... just know, that yes, it’s true I’m here and we're both weirdos
Love is something a lot more than to sleep with someone else, more than just to talk with that person. It’s to think of that person, wanting them to be happy, to wish them well, to care about them, showing consideration, listening when they are happy or when they're sad, encouraging, it is to show your love, to make that someone feel special, it is always waiting to hear their voice, keeping them in your mind, in your thoughts, and in your heart
The ache for "home" lives inside all of us, to be able to return to our safe place and not have to be stressed and burdeoned by the world. Home is where you are.Some people live in a bitter, angry, hate-filled world.
Some people living in a friendly, caring, love-filled world.Same world. but I want to find a woman who lives in the second world..Most people do not know how to love anymore. They don't know how to give it, or worse, even how to receive it. They have been so hurt, that they have put up walls to protect themselves, but at the same time, these walls have shut out the people that love them.
I want someone to love me for me, faults and all. Someone who cant fall asleep without being her last call. Someone who wants to be my last goodnight and my first hello. Someone who will hold my hand and not let it go. Someone who means it when she says, 'I will leave you never.'
Someone who looks into my eyes and sees her... Forever
I have reached the point in my life where I let my heart choose which paths to follow. I don't do this blindly. I take the time to think about it; about whether the path itself has a heart. Is it a good heart? Is it one of God's paths? If not, the path is of no use to me. But if it is a good path with a good heart, I will follow it to its end... excited, in awe, breathless
I need, therefore I dream. I take risks and sometimes I am hurt. But without risks there is no life. I have a history. We all have a history. I write to struggle against my silence. We all have the basic need and desire to be heard and understood.
POETRY: DELVE INTO YOUR MYSTIC GALAXY
If you could see inside my heart,
there you'd find that missing part.
The clues I give are not that big,
for when I speak a grave I dig.
How do you describe a heavenly dove,
with all its earthly being?
Like how I feel could be called love,
but is a greater feeling.
2
Do you see me
As I see you?
Beneath your heart
Do you long for me too?
Any moment
Of any day,
Would you stick by my side?
Or throw our love away?
Will you remember me
As I'll remember you?
Will you promise me
That our love will be true?
3
When stillness steals across the night
and our music fills the air with thoughts of you,
my soul will turn in the lenghtening shadows
to look for the message you have written on my heart.
When twilight phantoms cover every curve,
and darkness approaches on silent feet,
my heart will seek the radiance of your touch
that brings the soaring flight of passion's wings.
Let us roam beyond the stars to touch the night
and as we move to desire's beat; our souls entwined.
I will give you the bounty of my loving embrace
molded to the sultry singing of your passions song.
4
If I were a telescope
I'd eagerly delve into your mystic galaxy.
Hmmm? I wonder...
What constellation would be of greatest interest to me?
Would it be the twinkle of the stars dancing in your eyes
As the little dipper slips me a sip of your Heavenly brew?
I hungrily lick my lips,
Yearning for the bounty of my fill of you.
Perhaps I'd gravitate towards the Soul-ar source
Nature's Mentholatum seeping through my pores.
Penetrating emotional boundaries
Soothing atonement for malicious tendencies
In life's vast waywardness
Finally free.
If I were a telescope
I would bathe in the silky delights of your Milky Way
Causing ripples in the waves of cosmology
That extends beyond all that is perceived with the naked eye.
Instinctively, I reach up to catch shooting star kisses
cast from the sky.
As clouds play charade with my intellect,
Ripe tears of joy reflect
The distant orbs of light serenading me.
I laugh as you tickle my nose instinctually
Melting away snowflake mountains of fear
In the spiritual awakening of a new morn.
Inhibitions subside...
Finally free.
If I were a telescope...
I would dwell forever in the enchantment of your infinity.
there you'd find that missing part.
The clues I give are not that big,
for when I speak a grave I dig.
How do you describe a heavenly dove,
with all its earthly being?
Like how I feel could be called love,
but is a greater feeling.
2
Do you see me
As I see you?
Beneath your heart
Do you long for me too?
Any moment
Of any day,
Would you stick by my side?
Or throw our love away?
Will you remember me
As I'll remember you?
Will you promise me
That our love will be true?
3
When stillness steals across the night
and our music fills the air with thoughts of you,
my soul will turn in the lenghtening shadows
to look for the message you have written on my heart.
When twilight phantoms cover every curve,
and darkness approaches on silent feet,
my heart will seek the radiance of your touch
that brings the soaring flight of passion's wings.
Let us roam beyond the stars to touch the night
and as we move to desire's beat; our souls entwined.
I will give you the bounty of my loving embrace
molded to the sultry singing of your passions song.
4
If I were a telescope
I'd eagerly delve into your mystic galaxy.
Hmmm? I wonder...
What constellation would be of greatest interest to me?
Would it be the twinkle of the stars dancing in your eyes
As the little dipper slips me a sip of your Heavenly brew?
I hungrily lick my lips,
Yearning for the bounty of my fill of you.
Perhaps I'd gravitate towards the Soul-ar source
Nature's Mentholatum seeping through my pores.
Penetrating emotional boundaries
Soothing atonement for malicious tendencies
In life's vast waywardness
Finally free.
If I were a telescope
I would bathe in the silky delights of your Milky Way
Causing ripples in the waves of cosmology
That extends beyond all that is perceived with the naked eye.
Instinctively, I reach up to catch shooting star kisses
cast from the sky.
As clouds play charade with my intellect,
Ripe tears of joy reflect
The distant orbs of light serenading me.
I laugh as you tickle my nose instinctually
Melting away snowflake mountains of fear
In the spiritual awakening of a new morn.
Inhibitions subside...
Finally free.
If I were a telescope...
I would dwell forever in the enchantment of your infinity.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
DATING/THOUGHTS: WHY EVEN THE STRONG GUY GETS WEAK WHEN DEALING WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX
When you think about it, despite feeling difficult, the problems people struggle with in dating sound pretty trivial.
For instance, we have been walking and talking their entire lives, yet walking up to an attractive woman and opening our mouths to say “Hi,” can feel impossibly complex to us. People have been using a phone since they were children, yet the agony some go through just to dial a person’s phone number you’d think they were being waterboarded. Most men have kissed a woman before and they’ve seen hundreds of movies and instances in real life of other people kissing, yet as she stares dreamily into his eyes hour after hour, he tells himself he can never find the “right moment” to do it.
Why? It sounds simple, but why is it so hard?
There are men who have built business empires, gone to war, played violent sports, climbed mountains, written novels — and yet the mere sight of a petite woman in a sexy dress sends their hearts racing and minds reeling.
Dating advice often compares improving one’s dating life to improving at some practical skill, such as playing piano or learning a foreign language. Sure, there are some overlapping principles, but I can’t imagine a grown man trembling with anxiety every time he sits down at the keyboard. And I’ve never met a man who became depressed for a week after failing to conjugate a verb correctly. They’re not the same.
Generally speaking, if someone practices piano daily for two years, they will eventually become quite competent at it. Yet many people spend most of their lives with one romantic failure after another.
Why?
What is it about this one area of life that the most basic actions can feel impossible, that repetitive behavior often leads to little or no change, and that our psychological defense mechanisms run rampant trying to convince us to not pursue what we want?
Why dating and not, say, skiing? Or even our careers? Why is it that a person can conquer the corporate ladder, become a militant CEO, demanding and receiving the respect and admiration of hundreds of brilliant minds, and then at night cower and stutter his way through a date with a beautiful stranger?
As children, none of us get 100% of our needs met. This is true of you. It’s true of me. It’s true of everyone. The degree of which our needs aren’t met varies widely, and the nature of how our needs are unfulfilled differs as well. But it’s the sad truth about growing up: we’ve all got baggage. And some of us have a lot of it. Whether it is a parent who didn’t hold us enough, who didn’t feed us regularly enough, a father who wasn’t around often, a mother who left us and moved away, being forced to move from school to school as a child and never having friends — all of these experiences leave their mark as a series of micro-traumas that shape and define us.
The nature and depth of these traumas imprint themselves onto our unconscious and become the map of how we experience love, intimacy and sex throughout our lives.
If mom was over-protective and dad was never around, that will form part of our map for love and intimacy. If we were manipulated or tormented by our siblings and peers, that will imprint itself as part of our self-image. If mom was an alcoholic and dad was screwing around with other women, it will stay with us. If our first girlfriend died in a car accident or dad beat us because he caught us masturbating — well, you get the point. These imprints will not only affect, but define, all of our future romantic and sexual relationships as an adult.
You and I and everyone else have met hundreds, if not thousands, of members of the opposite sex. Out of those thousands, multiple hundreds easily met our physical criteria for a mate. Yet out of those hundreds, we only fall in love with a very few. Only a handful we meet in our entire lives ever grab us on that gut-level, where we lose all rationality and control and lay awake at night thinking about them.
It’s often not the one we expected to fall for either. Susie was perfect on paper. Jane had the great sense of humor and was amazing in bed. But Melissa is the one we can’t stop thinking about, the one we involuntarily keep going back to over and over and over again.
Psychologists believe that romantic love occurs when our unconscious becomes exposed to someone who matches the archetype of parental love we experienced growing up, someone whose behavior matches our emotional map for intimacy. Our unconscious is always seeking to return to the unconditional nurturing we received as children, and to re-process and heal the traumas we suffered.
In short, our unconscious is wired to seek out members of the opposite sex who it believes will fulfill our unfulfilled emotional needs, to fill in the gaps of the love and nurturing we missed out on as kids. This is why the people we fall in love with almost always resemble our parents on an emotional level.
Hence why people who are madly in love say to each other, “you complete me,” or refer to each other as their “better half.” It’s also why couples in the throes of new love often act like children around one another. Their unconscious mind can’t differentiate between the love they’re receiving from their girlfriend/boyfriend and the love they once received as a child from their parents.
This is also why dating and relationships are so painful and difficult for so many of us, particularly if we had strained familial relationships growing up. Unlike playing the piano or learning a language, our dating and sex lives are inextricably bound to our emotional needs, and when we get into potentially intimate or sexual situations, these experiences rub up against our prior traumas causing us anxiety, neuroticism, stress and pain.
So that woman rejecting you when you approach her isn’t just rejecting you, but to your unconscious you’re reliving every time your mother rejected you or turned down your need for affection.
That irrational fear you feel when it comes time to take your clothes off in front of a new someone isn’t just the nervousness of the moment, but every time you were punished for sexual thoughts or feelings growing up.
Don’t believe me? Think about this. Someone no-shows for a regular business meeting with you. How do you feel? Annoyed likely. Maybe a tad disrespected. But chances are you get over it quickly, and by the time you get home and are watching TV you don’t even remember it even happened.
Now, imagine someone you are extremely attracted to no-shows for a date. How do you feel? If you’re like most people who struggle in this area of their life: like shit. Like you just got used and lead on and shat on.
Why? Because being flaked on rubs up against your unconscious fear of abandonment, fear that nobody loves you and that you’re going to be alone forever. Ouch.
Maybe you freak out and call them and leave her angry voicemails. Maybe you continue to call them weeks or months later, getting blown off over and over again, feeling worse and worse each time. Or maybe you just get depressed and mope about it on an online forum, asking for advice to prevent it happening in the future.
Every irrational fear, emotional outburst or insecurity you have in your dating life is an imprint on your emotional map from your relationships growing up.
It’s why you’re terrified to go for the first kiss even though she’s sent you 100 signals saying she likes you. It’s why you freeze up when it comes time to introduce yourself to a man you don’t know or tell someone you just met how you feel about them. It’s why you clam up every time you go to bed with someone new or you freeze up and get uncomfortable when it’s time to open and share yourself with somebody.
The list goes on and on.
All of these issues have deep-seated roots in your unconscious, your unfulfilled emotional needs and traumas.
A common way we bypass dealing with the emotional stress involved in dating is by disassociating our emotions from intimacy and sex. If we shut off our need for intimacy and connection, then our sexual actions no longer rub up against our emotional maps and we can greatly diminish the neediness and anxiety we once felt while still reaping the superficial benefits. It takes time and practice, but once disassociated from our emotions, we can enjoy the sex and validation of dating without concerns for intimacy, connection, and in some cases, ethics.
Objectification of sex and members of the opposite sex. Objectifying someone is when you see them only for a specific purpose and don’t see them as fully integrated human beings. You can objectify people as sex objects, professional work objects, social objects, or none of the above. Men tend to objectify women sexually. Some women objectify men as avenues for gaining power or influence. But objectification is ultimately disastrous for one’s own emotional health, not to mention one’s relationships.
Sexism. Viewing the other sex as inferior or inherently evil/inept is a sure way to redirect one’s emotional problems outward onto a population at large rather than dealing with them yourself. Without fail, men who treat and view women as some inferior “other,” are more often than not projecting their own anger and insecurities onto the women they meet rather than dealing with them. The same goes for women.
Manipulation, lines and tactics. By adopting lines, manipulation or tactics to meet and seduce women, a man is withholding his true identity from the woman and therefore is withholding his emotional map as well. If a woman is falling for the perception of who he is rather than who he really is, then there’s far less risk for conjuring up the buried emotional stress and pain of his prior relationships.
Overuse of humor, teasing, bantering. A classic strategy of distraction. Not that jokes or teasing are always bad, but an interaction of nothing but jokes and teasing is a means to communicate without saying anything important, to enjoy yourselves without actually do anything, and to feel like you know each other without actually knowing a thing. This is most typical of English-speaking cultures, as they tend to use sarcasm and teasing as a means to imply affection rather than actually showing it.
Stripclubs, prostitution, pornography. A way to experience one’s sexuality vicariously through an empty, idealized vessel, whether it’s on a screen, a pole, or running you $100 an hour.
Generally, the more resentment one is harboring towards the opposite sex, the more one objectifies them. Men who had turbulent relationships with their mothers, men who were left by their wives or girlfriends, or men who were tormented by women growing up, these men will likely find it much easier and more enticing to objectify and measure their sex lives than to confront their demons and overcome their emotional scars with the women they become involved with (See:Madonna/Whore Complex).
Women also disassociate their emotions and objectify men as well. But there’s a lot more social pressure on men to ignore their emotions, particularly “weak” emotions such as a need for intimacy and love. It’s more socially acceptable for men to objectify their sex lives and boast about it. Whether you think that’s right or wrong or doesn’t matter, it is how it is.
Disassociating from your emotional needs is the easy way out. It requires only external effort and some superficial beliefs. Working through your issues and resolving them requires far more blood, sweat and tears. Most people aren’t willing to dig deep and put in the effort, but it yields far greater and permanent results.
1) The biggest misconception when it comes to working through an excess of emotional baggage is that these feelings ever completely go away. Research and brain imaging indicates that fears, anxieties, traumas, etc. are imprinted on our brains in similar ways that our physical habits are. Just like you’ve developed a habit of brushing your teeth every time you wake up, you have emotional habits of getting sad or angry any time you feel abandoned or unwanted.
The way to change is not by removing these feelings or anxieties altogether, but rather consciously replacing them with higher order behaviors and feelings.
This can only be accomplished through taking action. There is no other way. You cannot rewire your responses in healthy ways and confront your insecurities if you aren’t out there actively pushing up against them. Trying to do so is like trying to learn how to shoot free throws left-handed without ever actually touching a basketball. It just doesn’t work.
If you have a habit of flipping out and leaving angry voicemails every time someone doesn’t call you back, you don’t get rid of the anger, but rather channel that anger into a better and healthier activity, like say, going to the gym, or painting a picture, or punching a punching bag.
2) Anxieties can be overcome through utilizing implementation intentions and progressive desensitization. For instance, if you have a problem getting sexual or making the first move with women, start with baby steps. Tell the next woman you go on a date with that she’s sexy. Once that feels comfortable then challenge yourself to have a conversation about sex. After that challenge yourself to hold hands with a woman. Then challenge yourself to kiss a woman.
I’ve set up online programs that utilize progressive desensitization to help men overcome their anxieties around women.
Obviously this takes time and requires consistently facing situations which make you uncomfortable, but that’s the idea. You must overlay old emotional habits of fear and anxiety with new healthier ones of excitement, boldness and assertiveness. Mentally train yourself so that any time you feel anxiety, you force yourself to do it anyway.
3) The final step — once you’ve learned to channel your negative emotions in constructive ways, once you’ve eaten away at your anxieties and are able to often act despite them — is to come clean with people you date about your needs and start screening based on them.
For instance, I’ve always had a fear of commitment and needed a woman who was comfortable giving me space and some freedom. Not only do I openly share this with women I get involved with now, but I actively screen for women with these traits.
Ultimately, your emotional needs will only be fully met in a loving and conscious relationship with someone who you can trust and work together with – and not just your emotional issues, but hers as well. We unconsciously seek out romantic partners in order to fulfill our unfulfilled childhood needs, and to do so cannot be completely done alone.
This is the reason that honesty and vulnerability are so powerful for creating high-quality interactions – the practice of being upfront about your desires and flaws will naturally screen for those women who best suit you and connect with you.
This kind of authenticity changes the whole dynamic with women. Instead of chasing and pursuing, convincing and persuading, you focus on consistently improving yourself and presenting that self to the women of the world. The right ones will pay attention and stay. And whether you spend a night or a year with them, this enhanced level of intimacy and mutual vulnerability will help heal your emotional wounds, help you become more confident and secure in your relationships and ultimately, overcome much of the pain and stress of that accompanies sex and intimacy.
An Invitation for Change
I invite you to post in the comments below what your emotional hang ups are in this area of your life, where they probably come from, and how you could overcome them in an open and honest way.
As an example, I was bullied all my life. As a result, I became highly sensitive to confrontation and any negative emotions of others. I became the consummate Nice Guy and for years struggled to assert myself in my relationships and around women. In fact, I objectified my sex life quite a bit and adopted some narcissistic behaviors in order to push me through some of these insecurities.
My fear of commitment is undoubtedly rooted in my parents’ divorce and my knee jerk reaction for years was to run away any time a woman attempted to get close to me. I slowly eroded that fear by opening myself up to intimate opportunities little by little over a long period of time. I was incapable of becoming intimate with a woman unless I had an escape route (i.e., she had a boyfriend, or I was going to move to another city soon, etc.).
Spending all of my adolescence living alone with my mother has made me particularly sensitive to female affection, and like a smoker rationalizing reasons to smoke one last cigarette, I have often rationalized myself into intimate and sexual situations with women who I perhaps should not have been with or didn’t actually like as much as I thought I did.
This is my emotional map — at least part of it. These are the hang ups and issues that I’ve battled and slowly beaten back with years of active effort. These are the realities that I express openly and seek out the proper women who can handle them.
For instance, we have been walking and talking their entire lives, yet walking up to an attractive woman and opening our mouths to say “Hi,” can feel impossibly complex to us. People have been using a phone since they were children, yet the agony some go through just to dial a person’s phone number you’d think they were being waterboarded. Most men have kissed a woman before and they’ve seen hundreds of movies and instances in real life of other people kissing, yet as she stares dreamily into his eyes hour after hour, he tells himself he can never find the “right moment” to do it.
Why? It sounds simple, but why is it so hard?
There are men who have built business empires, gone to war, played violent sports, climbed mountains, written novels — and yet the mere sight of a petite woman in a sexy dress sends their hearts racing and minds reeling.
Dating advice often compares improving one’s dating life to improving at some practical skill, such as playing piano or learning a foreign language. Sure, there are some overlapping principles, but I can’t imagine a grown man trembling with anxiety every time he sits down at the keyboard. And I’ve never met a man who became depressed for a week after failing to conjugate a verb correctly. They’re not the same.
Generally speaking, if someone practices piano daily for two years, they will eventually become quite competent at it. Yet many people spend most of their lives with one romantic failure after another.
Why?
What is it about this one area of life that the most basic actions can feel impossible, that repetitive behavior often leads to little or no change, and that our psychological defense mechanisms run rampant trying to convince us to not pursue what we want?
Why dating and not, say, skiing? Or even our careers? Why is it that a person can conquer the corporate ladder, become a militant CEO, demanding and receiving the respect and admiration of hundreds of brilliant minds, and then at night cower and stutter his way through a date with a beautiful stranger?
As children, none of us get 100% of our needs met. This is true of you. It’s true of me. It’s true of everyone. The degree of which our needs aren’t met varies widely, and the nature of how our needs are unfulfilled differs as well. But it’s the sad truth about growing up: we’ve all got baggage. And some of us have a lot of it. Whether it is a parent who didn’t hold us enough, who didn’t feed us regularly enough, a father who wasn’t around often, a mother who left us and moved away, being forced to move from school to school as a child and never having friends — all of these experiences leave their mark as a series of micro-traumas that shape and define us.
The nature and depth of these traumas imprint themselves onto our unconscious and become the map of how we experience love, intimacy and sex throughout our lives.
If mom was over-protective and dad was never around, that will form part of our map for love and intimacy. If we were manipulated or tormented by our siblings and peers, that will imprint itself as part of our self-image. If mom was an alcoholic and dad was screwing around with other women, it will stay with us. If our first girlfriend died in a car accident or dad beat us because he caught us masturbating — well, you get the point. These imprints will not only affect, but define, all of our future romantic and sexual relationships as an adult.
You and I and everyone else have met hundreds, if not thousands, of members of the opposite sex. Out of those thousands, multiple hundreds easily met our physical criteria for a mate. Yet out of those hundreds, we only fall in love with a very few. Only a handful we meet in our entire lives ever grab us on that gut-level, where we lose all rationality and control and lay awake at night thinking about them.
It’s often not the one we expected to fall for either. Susie was perfect on paper. Jane had the great sense of humor and was amazing in bed. But Melissa is the one we can’t stop thinking about, the one we involuntarily keep going back to over and over and over again.
Psychologists believe that romantic love occurs when our unconscious becomes exposed to someone who matches the archetype of parental love we experienced growing up, someone whose behavior matches our emotional map for intimacy. Our unconscious is always seeking to return to the unconditional nurturing we received as children, and to re-process and heal the traumas we suffered.
In short, our unconscious is wired to seek out members of the opposite sex who it believes will fulfill our unfulfilled emotional needs, to fill in the gaps of the love and nurturing we missed out on as kids. This is why the people we fall in love with almost always resemble our parents on an emotional level.
Hence why people who are madly in love say to each other, “you complete me,” or refer to each other as their “better half.” It’s also why couples in the throes of new love often act like children around one another. Their unconscious mind can’t differentiate between the love they’re receiving from their girlfriend/boyfriend and the love they once received as a child from their parents.
This is also why dating and relationships are so painful and difficult for so many of us, particularly if we had strained familial relationships growing up. Unlike playing the piano or learning a language, our dating and sex lives are inextricably bound to our emotional needs, and when we get into potentially intimate or sexual situations, these experiences rub up against our prior traumas causing us anxiety, neuroticism, stress and pain.
So that woman rejecting you when you approach her isn’t just rejecting you, but to your unconscious you’re reliving every time your mother rejected you or turned down your need for affection.
That irrational fear you feel when it comes time to take your clothes off in front of a new someone isn’t just the nervousness of the moment, but every time you were punished for sexual thoughts or feelings growing up.
Don’t believe me? Think about this. Someone no-shows for a regular business meeting with you. How do you feel? Annoyed likely. Maybe a tad disrespected. But chances are you get over it quickly, and by the time you get home and are watching TV you don’t even remember it even happened.
Now, imagine someone you are extremely attracted to no-shows for a date. How do you feel? If you’re like most people who struggle in this area of their life: like shit. Like you just got used and lead on and shat on.
Why? Because being flaked on rubs up against your unconscious fear of abandonment, fear that nobody loves you and that you’re going to be alone forever. Ouch.
Maybe you freak out and call them and leave her angry voicemails. Maybe you continue to call them weeks or months later, getting blown off over and over again, feeling worse and worse each time. Or maybe you just get depressed and mope about it on an online forum, asking for advice to prevent it happening in the future.
Every irrational fear, emotional outburst or insecurity you have in your dating life is an imprint on your emotional map from your relationships growing up.
It’s why you’re terrified to go for the first kiss even though she’s sent you 100 signals saying she likes you. It’s why you freeze up when it comes time to introduce yourself to a man you don’t know or tell someone you just met how you feel about them. It’s why you clam up every time you go to bed with someone new or you freeze up and get uncomfortable when it’s time to open and share yourself with somebody.
The list goes on and on.
All of these issues have deep-seated roots in your unconscious, your unfulfilled emotional needs and traumas.
A common way we bypass dealing with the emotional stress involved in dating is by disassociating our emotions from intimacy and sex. If we shut off our need for intimacy and connection, then our sexual actions no longer rub up against our emotional maps and we can greatly diminish the neediness and anxiety we once felt while still reaping the superficial benefits. It takes time and practice, but once disassociated from our emotions, we can enjoy the sex and validation of dating without concerns for intimacy, connection, and in some cases, ethics.
Objectification of sex and members of the opposite sex. Objectifying someone is when you see them only for a specific purpose and don’t see them as fully integrated human beings. You can objectify people as sex objects, professional work objects, social objects, or none of the above. Men tend to objectify women sexually. Some women objectify men as avenues for gaining power or influence. But objectification is ultimately disastrous for one’s own emotional health, not to mention one’s relationships.
Sexism. Viewing the other sex as inferior or inherently evil/inept is a sure way to redirect one’s emotional problems outward onto a population at large rather than dealing with them yourself. Without fail, men who treat and view women as some inferior “other,” are more often than not projecting their own anger and insecurities onto the women they meet rather than dealing with them. The same goes for women.
Manipulation, lines and tactics. By adopting lines, manipulation or tactics to meet and seduce women, a man is withholding his true identity from the woman and therefore is withholding his emotional map as well. If a woman is falling for the perception of who he is rather than who he really is, then there’s far less risk for conjuring up the buried emotional stress and pain of his prior relationships.
Overuse of humor, teasing, bantering. A classic strategy of distraction. Not that jokes or teasing are always bad, but an interaction of nothing but jokes and teasing is a means to communicate without saying anything important, to enjoy yourselves without actually do anything, and to feel like you know each other without actually knowing a thing. This is most typical of English-speaking cultures, as they tend to use sarcasm and teasing as a means to imply affection rather than actually showing it.
Stripclubs, prostitution, pornography. A way to experience one’s sexuality vicariously through an empty, idealized vessel, whether it’s on a screen, a pole, or running you $100 an hour.
Generally, the more resentment one is harboring towards the opposite sex, the more one objectifies them. Men who had turbulent relationships with their mothers, men who were left by their wives or girlfriends, or men who were tormented by women growing up, these men will likely find it much easier and more enticing to objectify and measure their sex lives than to confront their demons and overcome their emotional scars with the women they become involved with (See:Madonna/Whore Complex).
Women also disassociate their emotions and objectify men as well. But there’s a lot more social pressure on men to ignore their emotions, particularly “weak” emotions such as a need for intimacy and love. It’s more socially acceptable for men to objectify their sex lives and boast about it. Whether you think that’s right or wrong or doesn’t matter, it is how it is.
Disassociating from your emotional needs is the easy way out. It requires only external effort and some superficial beliefs. Working through your issues and resolving them requires far more blood, sweat and tears. Most people aren’t willing to dig deep and put in the effort, but it yields far greater and permanent results.
1) The biggest misconception when it comes to working through an excess of emotional baggage is that these feelings ever completely go away. Research and brain imaging indicates that fears, anxieties, traumas, etc. are imprinted on our brains in similar ways that our physical habits are. Just like you’ve developed a habit of brushing your teeth every time you wake up, you have emotional habits of getting sad or angry any time you feel abandoned or unwanted.
The way to change is not by removing these feelings or anxieties altogether, but rather consciously replacing them with higher order behaviors and feelings.
This can only be accomplished through taking action. There is no other way. You cannot rewire your responses in healthy ways and confront your insecurities if you aren’t out there actively pushing up against them. Trying to do so is like trying to learn how to shoot free throws left-handed without ever actually touching a basketball. It just doesn’t work.
If you have a habit of flipping out and leaving angry voicemails every time someone doesn’t call you back, you don’t get rid of the anger, but rather channel that anger into a better and healthier activity, like say, going to the gym, or painting a picture, or punching a punching bag.
2) Anxieties can be overcome through utilizing implementation intentions and progressive desensitization. For instance, if you have a problem getting sexual or making the first move with women, start with baby steps. Tell the next woman you go on a date with that she’s sexy. Once that feels comfortable then challenge yourself to have a conversation about sex. After that challenge yourself to hold hands with a woman. Then challenge yourself to kiss a woman.
I’ve set up online programs that utilize progressive desensitization to help men overcome their anxieties around women.
Obviously this takes time and requires consistently facing situations which make you uncomfortable, but that’s the idea. You must overlay old emotional habits of fear and anxiety with new healthier ones of excitement, boldness and assertiveness. Mentally train yourself so that any time you feel anxiety, you force yourself to do it anyway.
3) The final step — once you’ve learned to channel your negative emotions in constructive ways, once you’ve eaten away at your anxieties and are able to often act despite them — is to come clean with people you date about your needs and start screening based on them.
For instance, I’ve always had a fear of commitment and needed a woman who was comfortable giving me space and some freedom. Not only do I openly share this with women I get involved with now, but I actively screen for women with these traits.
Ultimately, your emotional needs will only be fully met in a loving and conscious relationship with someone who you can trust and work together with – and not just your emotional issues, but hers as well. We unconsciously seek out romantic partners in order to fulfill our unfulfilled childhood needs, and to do so cannot be completely done alone.
This is the reason that honesty and vulnerability are so powerful for creating high-quality interactions – the practice of being upfront about your desires and flaws will naturally screen for those women who best suit you and connect with you.
This kind of authenticity changes the whole dynamic with women. Instead of chasing and pursuing, convincing and persuading, you focus on consistently improving yourself and presenting that self to the women of the world. The right ones will pay attention and stay. And whether you spend a night or a year with them, this enhanced level of intimacy and mutual vulnerability will help heal your emotional wounds, help you become more confident and secure in your relationships and ultimately, overcome much of the pain and stress of that accompanies sex and intimacy.
An Invitation for Change
I invite you to post in the comments below what your emotional hang ups are in this area of your life, where they probably come from, and how you could overcome them in an open and honest way.
As an example, I was bullied all my life. As a result, I became highly sensitive to confrontation and any negative emotions of others. I became the consummate Nice Guy and for years struggled to assert myself in my relationships and around women. In fact, I objectified my sex life quite a bit and adopted some narcissistic behaviors in order to push me through some of these insecurities.
My fear of commitment is undoubtedly rooted in my parents’ divorce and my knee jerk reaction for years was to run away any time a woman attempted to get close to me. I slowly eroded that fear by opening myself up to intimate opportunities little by little over a long period of time. I was incapable of becoming intimate with a woman unless I had an escape route (i.e., she had a boyfriend, or I was going to move to another city soon, etc.).
Spending all of my adolescence living alone with my mother has made me particularly sensitive to female affection, and like a smoker rationalizing reasons to smoke one last cigarette, I have often rationalized myself into intimate and sexual situations with women who I perhaps should not have been with or didn’t actually like as much as I thought I did.
This is my emotional map — at least part of it. These are the hang ups and issues that I’ve battled and slowly beaten back with years of active effort. These are the realities that I express openly and seek out the proper women who can handle them.
DATING: IF YOU ARE NOT MARRIED BY 40s YOU HAVE ISSUES.
If you are in your 30s and want to be married but aren't, something has gone wrong. Somewhere along the line you made a mistake. Not you parents, not "society," not your ex-boyfriends: you. Maybe you've let yourself become too assertive, maybe you aren't in shape, maybe you wasted time, or maybe you believed the popular misconceptionthat your career matters most. Whatever the case, you need to recognize that it is time for change. Acknowledging this is the first step towards fixing the problem - whatever it is.
Your failure to be married by 30 is very likely due to the fact that you focused your efforts on other things in your twenties: a career, travel, partying, etc. Change that. Quit your job, move to the city, get rid of your partying friends, or do whatever else you can to make dating a priority. As the expression goes, "desperate times call for desperate measures." Although "desperate" is probably an overly severe descriptor for your situation, you understand the point: you need to take more dramatic steps towards meeting the right man.
Leverage your life experience or dating experience to recognize immediately the men who just want sex, or are uncertain of their future with you. They are wasting your limited time. Treat them like the leeches they are: cut them off, and make time in your life for the men who are interested in you as a person.
Women I meet too often launch into proving their worth by unknowingly waving all of the red-flags. The message here needs to get out to these women. I'm NOT impressed by your world travel, your MA in communication, your "bad luck" with exes, your "sexual liberation/empowerment". Just meet me half-way with some kind of future-orientation, self-respect, moral compass, empathy/understanding of the male position, and alignment of words and actions. Certain contexts things like travel and seeking fun and exoticism are precisely the things that often indicate a lack of restraint, future-orientation, fiscal responsibilities, priorities, and delaying gratification for greater goals/rewards in the future. Qualities that indicate strength of character, which is important in a wife and mother.
Your failure to be married by 30 is very likely due to the fact that you focused your efforts on other things in your twenties: a career, travel, partying, etc. Change that. Quit your job, move to the city, get rid of your partying friends, or do whatever else you can to make dating a priority. As the expression goes, "desperate times call for desperate measures." Although "desperate" is probably an overly severe descriptor for your situation, you understand the point: you need to take more dramatic steps towards meeting the right man.
Leverage your life experience or dating experience to recognize immediately the men who just want sex, or are uncertain of their future with you. They are wasting your limited time. Treat them like the leeches they are: cut them off, and make time in your life for the men who are interested in you as a person.
Women I meet too often launch into proving their worth by unknowingly waving all of the red-flags. The message here needs to get out to these women. I'm NOT impressed by your world travel, your MA in communication, your "bad luck" with exes, your "sexual liberation/empowerment". Just meet me half-way with some kind of future-orientation, self-respect, moral compass, empathy/understanding of the male position, and alignment of words and actions. Certain contexts things like travel and seeking fun and exoticism are precisely the things that often indicate a lack of restraint, future-orientation, fiscal responsibilities, priorities, and delaying gratification for greater goals/rewards in the future. Qualities that indicate strength of character, which is important in a wife and mother.
DATING: WOMAN WITH EMOTIONAL ISSUES
Over my years of dating, my over how may first dates, my ten ex girlfriends and my countless Internet conversations, I have learned some things about dating. Looking back, the variety in the women that I have met amazes me.
Some of the things that have occurred to me make me believe on a fundamental level that there should be certain foundational dating rules that everyone should follow. Now, I’m not talking about the wait 72 hours to call her after she gives you her number foolishness. I mean fundamental rules that will help both people have a happy, healthier and more successful time of it.
Awhile ago, I went on a date with a girl who we will call…. uhmmm….yeah. I have no idea what her name was. Let’s go with, Brandi. Brandi and I met on Eharmony and spoke a number of times online over the course of a few weeks. As we spoke, I became progressively more excited about our upcoming date. Beyond being surprised at how much we seemed to have in common, her pictures made her look quite cute. Of course, dating site pictures have betrayed me in the past, but I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Fool me once, shame on them. Fool me 30 times, shame on them.
Example: “Well, since my photo I have gained 100 pounds, stopped the laser hair treatment for my beard, switched from contacts to glasses, shaved my hair super short, and pierced four parts of my face. But other than that, I look totally the same!”
She was extremely flirty with me, making me think that she really liked me. Frankly, who doesn’t like being flirted with? I became very optimistic for this first date.
At the start of the first date, I immediately realized my huge mistake. I didn’t bring a big enough car. You see, I drive a BMW X3, and there was nowhere near enough room for all of the baggage she wanted to bring on our date. Of course, I am not talking about just any old baggage, but your and my favorite, our old friend, emotional baggage.
Good things about the date: I was right. We had a ton in common. She was one of the most beautiful women I had ever been out with, and dinner was a lot of fun.
Bad Stuff: She did not disclose certain information, issues, and baggage before the first date, and I had no idea what I was getting into.
I left the date completely confused by her mixed signals and eccentric personality type. I spent the next two days thinking about it way more than I actually should have. I have a very active mind, and it doesn’t need much of an excuse to over-analyze.
Finally, I called her. We spoke about the date, and I basically pressured her into being honest with me. Women that I date often have a difficulty with honesty. That is when I found out the previous information and that she was not interested. Instead of being upset, I was actually relieved. I realized that, while she was extremely attractive to me, she was not at all right for me and needed to get her shizzle in gear before she could date anyone.
This is when I created My First Rule of Dating.
Rule 1: The Baggage Limit – A person is only allowed one carry on and one checked bag on a first date. If they bring any more baggage than that, then there is no room for their date’s baggage. This will always create bad times for both parties.
This rule does need a bit more explanation though. Why do I specify first date? Well, depending on the type of relationship, more room for baggage might become available as the date continues.So you are probably asking yourself now, “What do I do with the baggage that I can’t bring with me on the date?” I am so glad that you asked. Here are your standard types of baggage.
Carry on and Checked Bag – These are the two items of baggage that you can bring with you on your first date. These should be issues that you cannot hide and if someone wishes to continue to date you they need to get past right away. It is possible that these bags won’t be open on the first date, but they are there waiting to come up in the initial dating process. Examples of things that should be disclosed on the first date are presence of children, current legally binding relationships such as marriage, smoking or obsessive drug habits, or if you have the opposite genitalia of the gender you specified you are.
Left at Home Bag – You can leave a certain amount of baggage at home and bring it on subsequent dates. That way, some of your baggage can be worked out during the dating process as you get to know each other. Examples of this kind of baggage include: family issues, medical problems that might come up, crazy diet you might be on, obsession with cats, or perhaps a collection of decorative plates.
Shipped Bag – You can also ship some of your baggage to a certain time in the relationship. There are certain things that you will need to work out, but you know that you won’t have to work them out until a certain point in the relationship. Maybe you ship it care of: first time we have sex. Or maybe care of: first time they meet my parents. Examples include: daddy issues, bankruptcy issues, parents are crazy racists, Dad is an avid gun collector, or maybe a paralyzing fear of monkeys.
Storage – It is possible to lock away some of your baggage until extremely later in life. Possibly when you get married, or even later on than that. This baggage doesn’t need to be unpacked right away and can wait until the opportune time. Often, stored bags are ones that you yourself are not completely aware of. Examples include: Issues with having children, predisposition to health problems, unfortunate loss of a family member, or perhaps you are secretly a Cylon and aren’t aware of yourself.
Bury it in the Backyard – Some baggage that we carry with us through life will never be truly dealt with and may never come up. It’s just part of who we are and how we tick. This baggage is buried in the backyard. Maybe someday you will want to dig it up, but for the most part, you just have to not really worry about it. Examples include: self esteem issues, self image paranoia, or extreme fear of hippopotamuses.
Note: If at any time you have more baggage than can fit in your home, then you should cut down on baggage before attempting to date anyone. Unfortunately, people usually do not understand how much baggage they truly have.
Okay, so back to my example. On our date, she brought a lot of baggage with her and all of it was “Type 1″ baggage. There was no way that we could get to know each other or make any type of real connection because she was too busy dealing with her own shizzle.
Some of the things that have occurred to me make me believe on a fundamental level that there should be certain foundational dating rules that everyone should follow. Now, I’m not talking about the wait 72 hours to call her after she gives you her number foolishness. I mean fundamental rules that will help both people have a happy, healthier and more successful time of it.
Awhile ago, I went on a date with a girl who we will call…. uhmmm….yeah. I have no idea what her name was. Let’s go with, Brandi. Brandi and I met on Eharmony and spoke a number of times online over the course of a few weeks. As we spoke, I became progressively more excited about our upcoming date. Beyond being surprised at how much we seemed to have in common, her pictures made her look quite cute. Of course, dating site pictures have betrayed me in the past, but I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Fool me once, shame on them. Fool me 30 times, shame on them.
Example: “Well, since my photo I have gained 100 pounds, stopped the laser hair treatment for my beard, switched from contacts to glasses, shaved my hair super short, and pierced four parts of my face. But other than that, I look totally the same!”
She was extremely flirty with me, making me think that she really liked me. Frankly, who doesn’t like being flirted with? I became very optimistic for this first date.
At the start of the first date, I immediately realized my huge mistake. I didn’t bring a big enough car. You see, I drive a BMW X3, and there was nowhere near enough room for all of the baggage she wanted to bring on our date. Of course, I am not talking about just any old baggage, but your and my favorite, our old friend, emotional baggage.
Good things about the date: I was right. We had a ton in common. She was one of the most beautiful women I had ever been out with, and dinner was a lot of fun.
Bad Stuff: She did not disclose certain information, issues, and baggage before the first date, and I had no idea what I was getting into.
I left the date completely confused by her mixed signals and eccentric personality type. I spent the next two days thinking about it way more than I actually should have. I have a very active mind, and it doesn’t need much of an excuse to over-analyze.
Finally, I called her. We spoke about the date, and I basically pressured her into being honest with me. Women that I date often have a difficulty with honesty. That is when I found out the previous information and that she was not interested. Instead of being upset, I was actually relieved. I realized that, while she was extremely attractive to me, she was not at all right for me and needed to get her shizzle in gear before she could date anyone.
This is when I created My First Rule of Dating.
Rule 1: The Baggage Limit – A person is only allowed one carry on and one checked bag on a first date. If they bring any more baggage than that, then there is no room for their date’s baggage. This will always create bad times for both parties.
This rule does need a bit more explanation though. Why do I specify first date? Well, depending on the type of relationship, more room for baggage might become available as the date continues.So you are probably asking yourself now, “What do I do with the baggage that I can’t bring with me on the date?” I am so glad that you asked. Here are your standard types of baggage.
Carry on and Checked Bag – These are the two items of baggage that you can bring with you on your first date. These should be issues that you cannot hide and if someone wishes to continue to date you they need to get past right away. It is possible that these bags won’t be open on the first date, but they are there waiting to come up in the initial dating process. Examples of things that should be disclosed on the first date are presence of children, current legally binding relationships such as marriage, smoking or obsessive drug habits, or if you have the opposite genitalia of the gender you specified you are.
Left at Home Bag – You can leave a certain amount of baggage at home and bring it on subsequent dates. That way, some of your baggage can be worked out during the dating process as you get to know each other. Examples of this kind of baggage include: family issues, medical problems that might come up, crazy diet you might be on, obsession with cats, or perhaps a collection of decorative plates.
Shipped Bag – You can also ship some of your baggage to a certain time in the relationship. There are certain things that you will need to work out, but you know that you won’t have to work them out until a certain point in the relationship. Maybe you ship it care of: first time we have sex. Or maybe care of: first time they meet my parents. Examples include: daddy issues, bankruptcy issues, parents are crazy racists, Dad is an avid gun collector, or maybe a paralyzing fear of monkeys.
Storage – It is possible to lock away some of your baggage until extremely later in life. Possibly when you get married, or even later on than that. This baggage doesn’t need to be unpacked right away and can wait until the opportune time. Often, stored bags are ones that you yourself are not completely aware of. Examples include: Issues with having children, predisposition to health problems, unfortunate loss of a family member, or perhaps you are secretly a Cylon and aren’t aware of yourself.
Bury it in the Backyard – Some baggage that we carry with us through life will never be truly dealt with and may never come up. It’s just part of who we are and how we tick. This baggage is buried in the backyard. Maybe someday you will want to dig it up, but for the most part, you just have to not really worry about it. Examples include: self esteem issues, self image paranoia, or extreme fear of hippopotamuses.
Note: If at any time you have more baggage than can fit in your home, then you should cut down on baggage before attempting to date anyone. Unfortunately, people usually do not understand how much baggage they truly have.
Okay, so back to my example. On our date, she brought a lot of baggage with her and all of it was “Type 1″ baggage. There was no way that we could get to know each other or make any type of real connection because she was too busy dealing with her own shizzle.
POETRY: SHE IS YOU
I'd calm the waters where 'ere you sailed.
If I were a ship and you the captain,
I'd set our course sure and true.
and if I were the captain and you my mate,
I'd love you forever at each port, harbour or gate.
2
She moves gracefully as the morning's mist.
Her beauty dazzles even the blind.
Her fair touch turns mere man immortal.
She looks, and her eyes penetrate to the soul.
No fairer heart shall walk this earth,
Nor brighter beauty be shown throughout the heavens
Mortal words do her no justice,
She melts hearts of stone.
She is life,
She is love,
She is... you.
3
Every night my spirit soars high
Into the shimmering, celestial night sky
Gliding past other spirits looking for love
Who anxiously gaze down from above
Searching frantically for the guiding light
That seeks them in the lonely night
I drift over the hills and valleys
Through the dark streets and alleys
Past the destitute and forlorn
Who silently await the grace of dawn
Hoping that it brings them happiness
And rescues them from this loneliness
From the distant astral plains
That are illuminated by comets' manes
I hear you calling out my name
As I instinctively do the same
I see your love's glowing aura
Looking prettier than any flora
As our two souls gently collide
I feel your warmth deep inside
Penetrating every atom of existence
Whilst my spirit offers no resistance
Until our two loving souls unite
Glowing like the moon, Oh, so bright
While we dance amongst the stars
Under the shadows of Venus and Mars
All our worries seem so far away
As we enjoy our nocturnal play
Hoping the sun will never rise
To end our romance in the skies
Just like Orpheus and Eurydice
Journeying across the savage sea
With love being their only guide
As they drift perilously with the tide
Hoping they will safely return
To once again let their passions burn
Our love will always keep us together
And it will certainly last forever
The oppressive tyranny of time and distance
Shall never make a difference
Provided we stay in each other's heart
No force will ever keep us apart
If I were a ship and you the captain,
I'd set our course sure and true.
and if I were the captain and you my mate,
I'd love you forever at each port, harbour or gate.
2
She moves gracefully as the morning's mist.
Her beauty dazzles even the blind.
Her fair touch turns mere man immortal.
She looks, and her eyes penetrate to the soul.
No fairer heart shall walk this earth,
Nor brighter beauty be shown throughout the heavens
Mortal words do her no justice,
She melts hearts of stone.
She is life,
She is love,
She is... you.
3
Every night my spirit soars high
Into the shimmering, celestial night sky
Gliding past other spirits looking for love
Who anxiously gaze down from above
Searching frantically for the guiding light
That seeks them in the lonely night
I drift over the hills and valleys
Through the dark streets and alleys
Past the destitute and forlorn
Who silently await the grace of dawn
Hoping that it brings them happiness
And rescues them from this loneliness
From the distant astral plains
That are illuminated by comets' manes
I hear you calling out my name
As I instinctively do the same
I see your love's glowing aura
Looking prettier than any flora
As our two souls gently collide
I feel your warmth deep inside
Penetrating every atom of existence
Whilst my spirit offers no resistance
Until our two loving souls unite
Glowing like the moon, Oh, so bright
While we dance amongst the stars
Under the shadows of Venus and Mars
All our worries seem so far away
As we enjoy our nocturnal play
Hoping the sun will never rise
To end our romance in the skies
Just like Orpheus and Eurydice
Journeying across the savage sea
With love being their only guide
As they drift perilously with the tide
Hoping they will safely return
To once again let their passions burn
Our love will always keep us together
And it will certainly last forever
The oppressive tyranny of time and distance
Shall never make a difference
Provided we stay in each other's heart
No force will ever keep us apart
Sunday, June 1, 2014
LOVE/JOURNAL: I REMEMBER HOW BEING IN A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WAS LIKE
I remembered how being a good relationship was like.
- When you and your partner are in a quality relationship that is bound to last, the ridiculous pet names that you call each other won’t seem the least bit embarrassing. Calling each other “bae” or “boo” can sound horrifying until it’s actually happening with the the right person. At that point, those names can take over and calling each other by your standard nicknames or *gasp your full names will seem awkward.
-What really shows a strong relationship is when the two of you start doing things that you haven’t explored too deeply before. I’m not really talking about dates, which are definitely an important part of relationships, but about ongoing activities. If you can handle it, reading the same book at the same time can actually be a lot of fun. Books may not be for you, so watching a seriously terrible Netflix comedy together may be your style (we like Trailer Park Boys a lot).
-The first time with someone new can be the best sex you’ve ever had in your life. The way their skin feels against yours, that little thing they do…you were surprised at first but it really brought you some place you’ve never been. This is fairly common – most people get a thrill from doing new things. Your first time with someone should only be a starting point Getting kinky is great option, provided that you’re being safe and consensual as you should always be. I
-Instead of being sad when that special person is away, you are looking forward to what it will be like when they return. Time apart gives each of you time to think about what you appreciate in the other person and time to let dissipate anything that gets under your skin. When you’re falling asleep in bed alone and you’re longing for their scent, you know what’s truly important.This isn’t to say that you don’t miss them terribly, but it’s more of an appreciative sort of ache.
-Couples that don’t have any contrasting characteristics are scary and cult-like. There’s no way you both have the same favorite movie, song, and favorite color.
-Let be honest here – love is something that takes time. Love-at-first-sight is an infatuation; an appreciation for another person. Love is about trust and a mutual understanding of values.The sign to look for is that when “I love you” is said, there is some obvious feeling behind it even if it is only a text message. Saying those words out of habit and not out of feeling is a bad thing to start doing
-Your happiness is just as valid as theirs, and you recognize that. Sure, you’d really like to go to that football game you’ve been waiting for three months to go to but their mother’s 60th birthday is today and you’re going to leave at halftime because it’s the right thing to do. The best part is, you’re not even upset about it. This applies in the bedroom too. Yeah, you’ve never considered putting that in there but it’s not going to cause damage, you’re not morally opposed to it, and it doesn’t frighten you so why not? Pleasing your partner makes you just as happy as it makes them.
- When you and your partner are in a quality relationship that is bound to last, the ridiculous pet names that you call each other won’t seem the least bit embarrassing. Calling each other “bae” or “boo” can sound horrifying until it’s actually happening with the the right person. At that point, those names can take over and calling each other by your standard nicknames or *gasp your full names will seem awkward.
-What really shows a strong relationship is when the two of you start doing things that you haven’t explored too deeply before. I’m not really talking about dates, which are definitely an important part of relationships, but about ongoing activities. If you can handle it, reading the same book at the same time can actually be a lot of fun. Books may not be for you, so watching a seriously terrible Netflix comedy together may be your style (we like Trailer Park Boys a lot).
-The first time with someone new can be the best sex you’ve ever had in your life. The way their skin feels against yours, that little thing they do…you were surprised at first but it really brought you some place you’ve never been. This is fairly common – most people get a thrill from doing new things. Your first time with someone should only be a starting point Getting kinky is great option, provided that you’re being safe and consensual as you should always be. I
-Instead of being sad when that special person is away, you are looking forward to what it will be like when they return. Time apart gives each of you time to think about what you appreciate in the other person and time to let dissipate anything that gets under your skin. When you’re falling asleep in bed alone and you’re longing for their scent, you know what’s truly important.This isn’t to say that you don’t miss them terribly, but it’s more of an appreciative sort of ache.
-Couples that don’t have any contrasting characteristics are scary and cult-like. There’s no way you both have the same favorite movie, song, and favorite color.
-Let be honest here – love is something that takes time. Love-at-first-sight is an infatuation; an appreciation for another person. Love is about trust and a mutual understanding of values.The sign to look for is that when “I love you” is said, there is some obvious feeling behind it even if it is only a text message. Saying those words out of habit and not out of feeling is a bad thing to start doing
-Your happiness is just as valid as theirs, and you recognize that. Sure, you’d really like to go to that football game you’ve been waiting for three months to go to but their mother’s 60th birthday is today and you’re going to leave at halftime because it’s the right thing to do. The best part is, you’re not even upset about it. This applies in the bedroom too. Yeah, you’ve never considered putting that in there but it’s not going to cause damage, you’re not morally opposed to it, and it doesn’t frighten you so why not? Pleasing your partner makes you just as happy as it makes them.
SPIRITUAL: YOUR BASIC NEEDS ARE NOT BEING MET
Have you ever had moments in which you asked yourself “Why am I unhappy?”
Me too.
But I can tell you why you are unhappy.
And I don’t don’t even know you. I’ve never seen you. I’ve never spoken to you.
So then how? No, I’m not psychic or anything like that. And neither am I trying to fob you over with some ridiculous claim that I know everything about everything,
The truth is there are probably several apparent reasons why you feel unhappy. Things which are specific and individual to you. The conditions of your life, your relationships, your finances, or whatever. I don’t know anything about any of that.
The thing is these conditions are what you see and experience on the surface. Below the surface there are psychological forces at work in your life, unconsciously pulling you this way and that. And these forces are universal for all humans. When you learn about, and understand these psychological tendencies you can develop practical strategies to change the conditions in your life that are perpetuating your unhappiness.
Unhappiness arises as the result of not being aligned with your authentic self.
As the intelligent, responsible, and thoughtful person I’m sure you are, you have some sense of values. You know what’s important to you. You have standards. You know what kind of person you aspire to be, even if that’s just in a vague sense. These ideals, or qualities represent your values.
The problem is that what we ideally want to say, do, or be is frequently not what we end up saying, doing, or being.
And it is there that unhappiness starts to creep in. Deep-rooted, and subtle, this sense of dissatisfaction niggles away at us on an unconscious or semiconscious level. That nagging feeling of discontentment harasses us, and shows up in the negative conditions of our life that we mostly create for ourselves.
You will often know intuitively when you are living your life out of sync with your authentic self. You may try to ignore it but that sense of being out of alignment with who and what you aspire to be bubbles away just beneath the surface.
So why do we often end up doing things that go against our higher ideals?
Because, as humans, we have needs.
And needs are, by definition, near impossible to resist.
They are stronger than values or ideals. Whilst it requires a conscious decision to act in accordance with your values, your needs will unconsciously and involuntary drive you towards certain ways of behaving.
According to Human Needs Psychology there are six basic needs which are universal, and always manifest in varying proportions.
Your Six Human Needs
1. Certainty. The need for security, stability, and reliability.
2. Variety. The need for change, stimulation, and challenge.
3. Significance. The need to feel acknowledged, recognized, and valued.
4. Love and Connection. The need to love and to feel loved, and to feel connection with others.
5. Growth. The need to grow, improve and develop, both in character and in spirit.
6. Contribution. The need to give, to help others, and to make a difference.
These basic needs will often be hidden behind the appearance of some other motive.
For example, an unfaithful spouse may feel the need to be understood, or to be satisfied sexually. But a closer look would reveal that this person needs to feel more love and connection, or perhaps to be acknowledged (significance), or even simply wants more interest and excitement in their life (variety).
Your needs ultimately drive your behaviour, with or without the consent of your better judgement.
It is when your needs take you down paths that go against your ideals that you are setting yourself up for an unhappy life. In the case of the unfaithful spouse, trying to meet their needs in that way goes against their values (at least by the standards of most normal people!), and is destructive. That path will only lead towards more unhappiness.
While this example may be a little extreme, the same principle can be seen in just about any aspect of your life, small or big.
So if our needs are unconsciously directing us, what hope is there for taking control of our life?
Don’t worry, there is hope for you! All you have to do is “trick” your needs, by creating the conditions in your life to meet those needs in a more positive way.
Once you understand which are your most important needs, and how they are manifesting in the different areas of your life, you can take action to fulfil them in a way which is not destructive. You can think of activities and strategies to meet those needs that are in line with your higher ideals. When you are satisfying those most important needs you will no longer end up doing things against your values. That will make you feel good about yourself inside, and you will then be able to create the conditions for happiness.
This may not necessarily be easy. In the case of the unfaithful spouse it would require finding out how to get more love and connection from their partner, or to be more valued by them, or even to find ways to add more variety to their relationship.
But, as I’m sure you’ll agree, the result would be more than worth the effort… a happy and fulfilling relationship without cause for infidelity.
Accepting and giving permission to your needs is a basic part of being human.
Me too.
But I can tell you why you are unhappy.
And I don’t don’t even know you. I’ve never seen you. I’ve never spoken to you.
So then how? No, I’m not psychic or anything like that. And neither am I trying to fob you over with some ridiculous claim that I know everything about everything,
The truth is there are probably several apparent reasons why you feel unhappy. Things which are specific and individual to you. The conditions of your life, your relationships, your finances, or whatever. I don’t know anything about any of that.
The thing is these conditions are what you see and experience on the surface. Below the surface there are psychological forces at work in your life, unconsciously pulling you this way and that. And these forces are universal for all humans. When you learn about, and understand these psychological tendencies you can develop practical strategies to change the conditions in your life that are perpetuating your unhappiness.
Unhappiness arises as the result of not being aligned with your authentic self.
As the intelligent, responsible, and thoughtful person I’m sure you are, you have some sense of values. You know what’s important to you. You have standards. You know what kind of person you aspire to be, even if that’s just in a vague sense. These ideals, or qualities represent your values.
The problem is that what we ideally want to say, do, or be is frequently not what we end up saying, doing, or being.
And it is there that unhappiness starts to creep in. Deep-rooted, and subtle, this sense of dissatisfaction niggles away at us on an unconscious or semiconscious level. That nagging feeling of discontentment harasses us, and shows up in the negative conditions of our life that we mostly create for ourselves.
You will often know intuitively when you are living your life out of sync with your authentic self. You may try to ignore it but that sense of being out of alignment with who and what you aspire to be bubbles away just beneath the surface.
So why do we often end up doing things that go against our higher ideals?
Because, as humans, we have needs.
And needs are, by definition, near impossible to resist.
They are stronger than values or ideals. Whilst it requires a conscious decision to act in accordance with your values, your needs will unconsciously and involuntary drive you towards certain ways of behaving.
According to Human Needs Psychology there are six basic needs which are universal, and always manifest in varying proportions.
Your Six Human Needs
1. Certainty. The need for security, stability, and reliability.
2. Variety. The need for change, stimulation, and challenge.
3. Significance. The need to feel acknowledged, recognized, and valued.
4. Love and Connection. The need to love and to feel loved, and to feel connection with others.
5. Growth. The need to grow, improve and develop, both in character and in spirit.
6. Contribution. The need to give, to help others, and to make a difference.
These basic needs will often be hidden behind the appearance of some other motive.
For example, an unfaithful spouse may feel the need to be understood, or to be satisfied sexually. But a closer look would reveal that this person needs to feel more love and connection, or perhaps to be acknowledged (significance), or even simply wants more interest and excitement in their life (variety).
Your needs ultimately drive your behaviour, with or without the consent of your better judgement.
It is when your needs take you down paths that go against your ideals that you are setting yourself up for an unhappy life. In the case of the unfaithful spouse, trying to meet their needs in that way goes against their values (at least by the standards of most normal people!), and is destructive. That path will only lead towards more unhappiness.
While this example may be a little extreme, the same principle can be seen in just about any aspect of your life, small or big.
So if our needs are unconsciously directing us, what hope is there for taking control of our life?
Don’t worry, there is hope for you! All you have to do is “trick” your needs, by creating the conditions in your life to meet those needs in a more positive way.
Once you understand which are your most important needs, and how they are manifesting in the different areas of your life, you can take action to fulfil them in a way which is not destructive. You can think of activities and strategies to meet those needs that are in line with your higher ideals. When you are satisfying those most important needs you will no longer end up doing things against your values. That will make you feel good about yourself inside, and you will then be able to create the conditions for happiness.
This may not necessarily be easy. In the case of the unfaithful spouse it would require finding out how to get more love and connection from their partner, or to be more valued by them, or even to find ways to add more variety to their relationship.
But, as I’m sure you’ll agree, the result would be more than worth the effort… a happy and fulfilling relationship without cause for infidelity.
Accepting and giving permission to your needs is a basic part of being human.
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