Dear Heart
What the hell is wrong with you? Are you out of your mind? Do you even know what you’ve put me through for more than a decade? Blind, deaf, dumb, stupid, weak, impulsive, reckless and completely bonkers- that’s what you are!
Look around you, come on, don’t shy away now. Look at the mess you’ve created. Go north- right up till the brain. See there? Not that, you fool, that’s my nose, a little more up. Stop complaining about the upward climb, I’ve seen you jump right into my mouth whenever I take you to see a movies. Yeah, that perked you up now, didn’t it? Get back on track. Take a good look inside my head. Cluttered, isn’t it? Yeah, I should do something about…hey shut up, this isn’t my bedroom and you’re not my Mommy. Now look for my brain. It’s a little small, I know, but that ain’t my fault, Go take it up with God or Science, whatever you’re leaning towards today. Ah…there it is, my little brain, hiding as usual from you. Heaven knows why I let you bully it. Okay so you’re stronger, but you’re also dumber and a closet coward, like all bullies. Oh don’t you even think about lying to me, I’ve lived with you all my life. I know how you’re scared of everything from lizards to heights to losing to stability to the lack of it. My vocal chords are testimony to your fake displays of courage. Every time I start yelling, I know that I’m really just trying to hide how scared you are.
You and the brain have this ongoing feud that’s lasted for more than a decade now. Look, guys, I can’t win with both of you playing tug of war. And hey Heart, pick on somebody your size, okay? They don’t call me Pea-brain for supporting vegans, you know.
You have to calm down, take a deep breath, and look at the bigger picture here. Yes, so you don’t go all bumpity-bump at every good looking thing anymore, thankfully. My mind thanks you for that. My sleep cycle is eternally grateful. For years you kept telling me (and yourself) that you’re just unnaturally detached. And then, like a sick plot written by a cheesy author dying to get recognized, you attach yourself to the one thing you know is way out of your league. That’s neither wise nor prudent, mister.
But you’re kind of used to that, aren’t you? The surge of love you feel for the ones that play hard-to-get and the bouts of hatred as soon as they are ready to be gotten (pardon the grammar, but I don’t get paid for writing letters to you).
Anyway, the point of writing to you today is to not complain over pieces of you I scattered to the undeserving. The point is to tell you that there is going to be a change of residence for you (metaphorically so, of course).
Yes, dear Heart, I am handing you over to someone who I think may be more deserving of you than anyone I’ve ever met. Of course, you know who she is. And of course, she doesn’t know that she is going to get you. So we’ll have to be real discreet about this, okay? What? You can’t expect me to just go up to her and tell her that I stay up nights writing about her! Cmon! Who even does that anymore? And before you say it, no, I’m not scared of rejection. I just think I should be sure before I let her know. Because what if I want you back and she gets too attached to you? Gotta cover all bases, sport.
I know you don’t agree with my methods and that I’m listening to my brain for once. So I’m going to give you reasons why I think one-sided love is a great concept:
You can change your mind without anyone getting hurt in the process.
No expectations and thus, no accusations and so, no arguments.
Butterflies in the tummy that make you feel oh-so-good soon as you see them or receive a message from them.
You can like them without having to spend an inexcusable amount of time with them on a daily/weekly basis.
You can dream about how wonderful being with them would be, if it were ever to come true.
Dear Heart, I know I’ve put you through a lot of hard knocks over the years because of bad judgment. But believe me when I say that “she” is the One. Because whether I can be with her or not is just not important anymore. For the first time, I like someone enough to not want to be with them, lest it ruins everything.
She probably knows. And if she doesn’t want to do anything about it, well, we’ll just keep right on searching. There’s always space for more disappointment.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
PERSONAL: I JUST WANT TO MEET SOMEONE AND SETTLE DOWN
I want to meet someone.Those five words lingered in my head, even as I tried to ignore that they were there. I distracted myself with thoughts of other things, work and by making to-do lists in my head. I pretended this desire wasn’t bubbling beneath me — but as I sat watching another movie in my bed — I couldn’t stop the message my heart sent to my mind.
I want to meet someone.Though powerful and constant — it’s not a helpless feeling or a dissatisfied longing. It’s different than it was years ago. I don’t feel like something is missing or part of me is still void — I’m not lusting after every woman I see. I feel no rush and no pressure, no need to speed along a road that I’m not sure how to navigate yet. I don’t believe it’s impossible to find happiness and I do believe I’m meant for a long-term love– and still. Still – after getting divorced ...I stand on love and loveless and loving, endless conversations with my ever-so patient friends– I still want it.
I still want to fall in love.But the craving has changed. It’s not wistful and romantic (well, only a little). I’m not looking to be completed or rescued. I’m not hoping to make a married woman out of a woman who is totally emotionally unavailable. I’m not making myself something I’m not so I can be granted the so-called coveted title of husband.
Instead– I want to meet someone… like me? Someone with a heart that often feels too big for her chest. Someone who can see the good – the possible — in every part of his life, and especially with me. With us. Someone who captivates me, pulls me close and lets me fly. I want to meet someone who accepts herself and does what she can to understand the world. Someone who likes to read and run, travel and learn — explore and make mistakes, dream and slow down and watch movies in bed. Someone who makes me want to be a better me and be part of a better we than she has before. I want to meet someone who knows how to love– who wants love– who may be afraid of it, but tries it anyway. Who knows how important it is. Someone who has goals for herself and plans she will break for the right thing, the right person, the right place – the right time. Someone who is happy with the someone and the something and the somewhere she is.
I want to meet someone who likes the way the city rests on Sundays and how it’s the perfect day to wake up late, make love and eat pancakes. Someone who wants a family just as much as they want an amazing, fulfilling career, and knows you’ll never be able to be perfect at either. I want to meet who thinks about her future further than getting the latest handbag. Someone who wants to try new things but also likes to be a regular at places she can’t and won’t stop going to. Someone who knows how to kiss and knows that love isn’t always enough– but it’s always worth whatever it brings or makes you learn.
I want to meet someone who challenges me and yet, makes me feel comfortable. Someone who wants to know what I know, who wants to see the town I grew up in. Who can’t wait to share a walk with my mom. Someone who comes from a place I admire and has a laugh I long to hear. Touch I want to feel. I want to meet someone who is strong enough to stand next to me and sweet enough to let me fall into her when I need it. Or even when I don’t, but want it. Someone who remembers the things I say and can hear the things I don’t, someone who will be there today, tomorrow – always. I want to meet someone who wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but here, with me.
I want to meet someone.Someone out there in this big city, living on some street I’ve crossed a million times, taking some train at the same time, thinking about when she would meet… someone like me.
I want to meet someone.Though powerful and constant — it’s not a helpless feeling or a dissatisfied longing. It’s different than it was years ago. I don’t feel like something is missing or part of me is still void — I’m not lusting after every woman I see. I feel no rush and no pressure, no need to speed along a road that I’m not sure how to navigate yet. I don’t believe it’s impossible to find happiness and I do believe I’m meant for a long-term love– and still. Still – after getting divorced ...I stand on love and loveless and loving, endless conversations with my ever-so patient friends– I still want it.
I still want to fall in love.But the craving has changed. It’s not wistful and romantic (well, only a little). I’m not looking to be completed or rescued. I’m not hoping to make a married woman out of a woman who is totally emotionally unavailable. I’m not making myself something I’m not so I can be granted the so-called coveted title of husband.
Instead– I want to meet someone… like me? Someone with a heart that often feels too big for her chest. Someone who can see the good – the possible — in every part of his life, and especially with me. With us. Someone who captivates me, pulls me close and lets me fly. I want to meet someone who accepts herself and does what she can to understand the world. Someone who likes to read and run, travel and learn — explore and make mistakes, dream and slow down and watch movies in bed. Someone who makes me want to be a better me and be part of a better we than she has before. I want to meet someone who knows how to love– who wants love– who may be afraid of it, but tries it anyway. Who knows how important it is. Someone who has goals for herself and plans she will break for the right thing, the right person, the right place – the right time. Someone who is happy with the someone and the something and the somewhere she is.
I want to meet someone who likes the way the city rests on Sundays and how it’s the perfect day to wake up late, make love and eat pancakes. Someone who wants a family just as much as they want an amazing, fulfilling career, and knows you’ll never be able to be perfect at either. I want to meet who thinks about her future further than getting the latest handbag. Someone who wants to try new things but also likes to be a regular at places she can’t and won’t stop going to. Someone who knows how to kiss and knows that love isn’t always enough– but it’s always worth whatever it brings or makes you learn.
I want to meet someone who challenges me and yet, makes me feel comfortable. Someone who wants to know what I know, who wants to see the town I grew up in. Who can’t wait to share a walk with my mom. Someone who comes from a place I admire and has a laugh I long to hear. Touch I want to feel. I want to meet someone who is strong enough to stand next to me and sweet enough to let me fall into her when I need it. Or even when I don’t, but want it. Someone who remembers the things I say and can hear the things I don’t, someone who will be there today, tomorrow – always. I want to meet someone who wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but here, with me.
I want to meet someone.Someone out there in this big city, living on some street I’ve crossed a million times, taking some train at the same time, thinking about when she would meet… someone like me.
DATING/ LOVE: THE DATING SCENE NOW...WOMAN DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED OR EVEN SETTLE DOWN
I've always wanted to settle down. Because of this I held on to the wrong woman in my twenties hoping they would become right. I wasted my 20's doing this.In my 30's I tried to find someone right (not perfect, but right for me) and get married. I know now that people don 't turn into the right one if they aren't to begin with. I am an attractive, fit, well-educated, financially and emotionally secure guy and I thought I would have no problem finding a woman to settle down with and start a family. I thought that online dating would be great since you are essentially pre-screening people for dates. I have found that I get no responses from any women online and the only women who respond to my ad are usually much older and don’t meet any of my criteria outlined in my profile.
I am experiencing women who are busy, aloof, and uninterested in making an effort and commitment.They prioritize work over love, friends over love, travel over love, freedom over love, downtime over love – and still complain that they can’t find someone to love.I am told that women want to settle down and have kids, etc., but their actions seem to be to the contrary. At singles events, women come in groups and are reluctant to talk to men. In online situations, women say they want desperately to meet a nice guy like me, but never answer my response to their profile. I am trying to remain positive, but women seem to be content in the fact that they are independent and self-sufficient and have a career, family and friends that fulfills them and don’t seem to be interested in truly finding a relationship. I find this mantra in every profile of every professional woman online
When it gets right down to it, the process of finding love – with all of its ups and downs, its failures and frustrations – is just too much to bear. Why put energy into something when it’s much easier to just wait for it? Shouldn’t love happen when you least expect it? Doesn’t it happen when you’re just happy living your own life – working out, going to yoga class, working 50 hours a week? If your best friend met her husband in line at the grocery store, shouldn’t you get to meet yours in the same way?Yeah, that would be nice, wouldn’t it?
People tend to say that “he will show up when you’re trying less’. Not really, nothing is going to happen all by itself if you don’t do anything. It is easy when you’re in your early 20s, when you’re in uni or more active socialising or have less expectations. But later on that changes and you have to put yourself in a position to meet more guys. The best guys will most likely be taken, but there are still good, single guys out there.
This isn’t a judgment. It’s an observation. If every waking hour of your life is filled with work, friends, travel and hobbies, when exactly do you expect to fit in a husband? Fact is: it’s nearly impossible to fall in love if you never meet single men, nearly impossible to fall in love if you don’t go on first dates, nearly impossible to fall in love if you don’t make an effort to be available for a relationship. You can have a great, fulfilling life, but you will not find a partner unless you get really, really, really, lucky.There’s nothing wrong with being single. There’s nothing wrong with being alone. There’s nothing wrong with leading a rich, fulfilling solo life. There’s nothing wrong with staying in on Friday nights. And, no one is telling you to be desperate, to settle, to give up your dreams, or any such hooey. So please, don’t even go there.
All I’m telling you is that every time I hear some woman tell me “there are no good guys out there,” I am reminded that there are millions of men like myself.
Successful, independent women, who have never been married, act like they want a relationship, but every guy they go out with has some sort of flaw, real or imagined, and they continue to “keep looking” for Mr. Right, half-heartedly, IMO. Their priority is work, Coach purses and vacations with the girls. There are many women like this out there and they aren’t “available”, even if they pretend to be. They are not willing to compromise for a man AT ALL. I know this because a lot of these women are my friends. It saddens me because they can’t see what life is truly about…love, children, family..things that a job and money just can’t provide.
The mystique of a relationship is the fact that no relationship is ever going to be perfect. There is no perfect man or woman out there…yet everyone seems stuck on looking for what does not 100% exist. Relationships are compromises upon compromises. It’s about merging 2 separate lives into a new life, not continuing the same old single life but in a relationship. Until these women realize this, they are going to remain out of reach for any man,
That said, the *hard* part was deciding that some new person was actually worth getting to know. My free time was limited, and as an introvert already stretched to the limit with an active life, going *out* with someone new would have been a major expenditure of both energy and time. Many “together” professional men are tired of being “together” ALL THE TIME, and just want to come home from work, eat breakfast for dinner, and watch whatever crap they like on tv while sorting through some work email backlog
I want to get to know someone before I had to make a real investment in time and energy. By the time I met someone I already had far more evidence that here was a woman worth spending the time and energy on moreso than a random woman I could meet on a plane, at the gym, or in the supermarket. When it comes to love and relationships, it becomes much more challenging if your attitude is that every bad date is a “failure” rather than a night to write off. But even the “damn, I just wasted a few hours” sense can be strong. I don’t like wasting time, and I am sure that one of my reasons that I was happier meeting someone my way and I didn’t feel like I had to devote “fruitless time and energy” to the search. I don’t know how many quality women I passed up along the way. It’s the energy and the effort. My job is demanding and stressful, so I don’t want to give up any of my weekend time unless I already know the woman is worth it.
I am experiencing women who are busy, aloof, and uninterested in making an effort and commitment.They prioritize work over love, friends over love, travel over love, freedom over love, downtime over love – and still complain that they can’t find someone to love.I am told that women want to settle down and have kids, etc., but their actions seem to be to the contrary. At singles events, women come in groups and are reluctant to talk to men. In online situations, women say they want desperately to meet a nice guy like me, but never answer my response to their profile. I am trying to remain positive, but women seem to be content in the fact that they are independent and self-sufficient and have a career, family and friends that fulfills them and don’t seem to be interested in truly finding a relationship. I find this mantra in every profile of every professional woman online
When it gets right down to it, the process of finding love – with all of its ups and downs, its failures and frustrations – is just too much to bear. Why put energy into something when it’s much easier to just wait for it? Shouldn’t love happen when you least expect it? Doesn’t it happen when you’re just happy living your own life – working out, going to yoga class, working 50 hours a week? If your best friend met her husband in line at the grocery store, shouldn’t you get to meet yours in the same way?Yeah, that would be nice, wouldn’t it?
People tend to say that “he will show up when you’re trying less’. Not really, nothing is going to happen all by itself if you don’t do anything. It is easy when you’re in your early 20s, when you’re in uni or more active socialising or have less expectations. But later on that changes and you have to put yourself in a position to meet more guys. The best guys will most likely be taken, but there are still good, single guys out there.
This isn’t a judgment. It’s an observation. If every waking hour of your life is filled with work, friends, travel and hobbies, when exactly do you expect to fit in a husband? Fact is: it’s nearly impossible to fall in love if you never meet single men, nearly impossible to fall in love if you don’t go on first dates, nearly impossible to fall in love if you don’t make an effort to be available for a relationship. You can have a great, fulfilling life, but you will not find a partner unless you get really, really, really, lucky.There’s nothing wrong with being single. There’s nothing wrong with being alone. There’s nothing wrong with leading a rich, fulfilling solo life. There’s nothing wrong with staying in on Friday nights. And, no one is telling you to be desperate, to settle, to give up your dreams, or any such hooey. So please, don’t even go there.
All I’m telling you is that every time I hear some woman tell me “there are no good guys out there,” I am reminded that there are millions of men like myself.
Successful, independent women, who have never been married, act like they want a relationship, but every guy they go out with has some sort of flaw, real or imagined, and they continue to “keep looking” for Mr. Right, half-heartedly, IMO. Their priority is work, Coach purses and vacations with the girls. There are many women like this out there and they aren’t “available”, even if they pretend to be. They are not willing to compromise for a man AT ALL. I know this because a lot of these women are my friends. It saddens me because they can’t see what life is truly about…love, children, family..things that a job and money just can’t provide.
The mystique of a relationship is the fact that no relationship is ever going to be perfect. There is no perfect man or woman out there…yet everyone seems stuck on looking for what does not 100% exist. Relationships are compromises upon compromises. It’s about merging 2 separate lives into a new life, not continuing the same old single life but in a relationship. Until these women realize this, they are going to remain out of reach for any man,
That said, the *hard* part was deciding that some new person was actually worth getting to know. My free time was limited, and as an introvert already stretched to the limit with an active life, going *out* with someone new would have been a major expenditure of both energy and time. Many “together” professional men are tired of being “together” ALL THE TIME, and just want to come home from work, eat breakfast for dinner, and watch whatever crap they like on tv while sorting through some work email backlog
I want to get to know someone before I had to make a real investment in time and energy. By the time I met someone I already had far more evidence that here was a woman worth spending the time and energy on moreso than a random woman I could meet on a plane, at the gym, or in the supermarket. When it comes to love and relationships, it becomes much more challenging if your attitude is that every bad date is a “failure” rather than a night to write off. But even the “damn, I just wasted a few hours” sense can be strong. I don’t like wasting time, and I am sure that one of my reasons that I was happier meeting someone my way and I didn’t feel like I had to devote “fruitless time and energy” to the search. I don’t know how many quality women I passed up along the way. It’s the energy and the effort. My job is demanding and stressful, so I don’t want to give up any of my weekend time unless I already know the woman is worth it.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
REVIEW: CAST AWAY...WHO KNOW WHAT THE TIDE COULD BRING?
Yesterday I watched “Cast Away” movie on TV… I know that many consider it the copy of “Robinson Crusoe” novel – I haven’t seen its movie by the way – But, I can’t deny that Cast Away touches me much more…
I have always admired the way Tom Hanks managed the role, starting with the physical appearance changes and ending with the outstanding facial expressions… Have always stood still in front of the change that happened to a man who considered time to be everything and his life used to be planned minute by minute, to a man who had to learn to let go of the idea of time in general… learned it the hard way though…
I have always been touched by that scene where he loses “Wilson” – the volleyball – his only “friend” … I can’t but imagine myself in his place… I mean… I’m one of those who get emotionally involved with places and objects in my life… in addition to people… and I feel bad with the loss of any intimate – inanimate – object… how does it feel like then when it’s the only intimate “thing” he had…
Every time I watch the movie I stop at the scene where he uses the lighter at the end of the movie… to produce fire… something that he had worked on for days and days to be able to “create fire”… I stop and think of how ironic it is… Likewise, I noticed yesterday a sentence that I haven’t seem to pay attention to before… Just before he left the car heading to his flight, he told his girlfriend – Helen Hunt – “I’ll be right back”… How sarcastic this sound to you!! We always assume that things will just move the way we want it to… it took him 4 years to “be right back”… and he came back not even the same man who left that car… Did it ever cross his mind while uttering these words before he left that the “be right back” will be equal to “four years of isolation”?
I have seen this movie dozens of times, and every time I watch it I seem to be getting a very harsh slap on my face all over again… it always triggers these thoughts of not taking things for granted… for me this movie is far beyond someone surviving on an isolated island… For me, it is about setting your priorities and preferences… about not taking things for granted… about appreciating the moment while living it… and not after it is gone… It is about keeping the faith that even in the worse situations, tomorrow will come… and tomorrow might be good for something…
Below is a very touching conversation that took place between “Chuck Noland” – Tom Hanks – with his friend “Stan” at the end of the movie…
Keep the faith,
Rou… – Who knows what the tide could bring…?
“We both had done the math…
Kelly added it all up and… knew she had to let me go…
I added it up, and knew that I had… lost her… ‘cos I was never gonna get off that island… I was gonna die there, totally alone… I was gonna get sick, or get injured or something… The only choice I had, the only thing I could control was when, and how, and where it was going to happen… So… I made a rope and I went up to the summit, to hang myself… I had to test it, you know? Of course. You know me… And the weight of the log, snapped the limb of the tree, so I- I – , I couldn’t even kill myself the way I wanted to… I had power over *nothing*…
And that’s when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket… I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive… Somehow… I had to keep breathing… Even though there was no reason to hope… And all my logic said that I would never see this place again…
So that’s what I did… I stayed alive… I kept breathing… And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail…
And now, here I am… I’m back… In Memphis, talking to you… I have ice in my glass…
And I’ve lost her all over again…
I’m so sad that I don’t have Kelly… But I’m so grateful that she was with me on that island…
And I know what I have to do now… I gotta keep breathing…
Because tomorrow the sun will rise…
Who knows what the tide could bring…?”
PART II
So many times when we go through struggles that last longer than your typical issue. Struggles that can last seasons, even years. We can lose all hope. Like Tom Hanks in the movie Cast Away, we can feel abandoned, lonely, afraid and utterly hopeless. If you have not seen this movie, then this blog won't make total sense. I apologize, but have to draw from this analogy regardless as it is near to my heart.
Chuck Noland (Tom Hanks) has discovered, after a horrific plane crash, that he is the sole survivor and has been washed ashore on a deserted island. He then desperately begins searching for signs of life, trying to signal for help and last but not least, making his own raft and trying to head out to sea. All these attempts fail early on in the movie. Sadly, his sloppily made raft is smashed to pieces by the wind and waves and all hope of escape seems lost as Chuck realizes his own powerlessness.
Ever feel that way?
Have you found yourself in a lonely and desperate situation that feels like it will never end? Do you feel that your dreams for your life have been dashed against the shore? Has your new "home" become one filled with sorrow and mourning mixed with a tad bit of insanity? Have all hopes of a rescue or escape been faded by the time that has elapsed? Have you tried to make courageous attempts to move out of of this season or situation and found you and your man made "raft" overpowered by the wind and waves? Chuck felt all these things and more to be sure.
Yet, on a random day, just another ordinary day in his lonely life on that island...lo and behold, a make shift sail washes ashore. You see, the reason he was unable to escape the first time was because he did not have the sail that would catch the wind and use it to lift him over the waves. He also did not have the favor of the right direction of the wind.
This was Chuck's time. This was his day. God's hand was in it this time. This was not a man made escape. This was divine intervention. He had to try...one more time. Chuck's brave escape with the help of that make shift sail and the favor of the east wind led to his rescue in the end.
Just like that "sail" washed ashore for Chuck, your answer is on the way as well. Maybe your first few man made attempts to save your marriage, reconnect with a wayward child or find an answer to your illness ended in defeat. Do not despair my friends. Your God given sail is going to wash ashore any day now, when you least expect it. The wind is going to blow in your favor. This time, you will be prepared. This time you will know what to do. This time the wind won't break you. Rather, you will use it to push you past the breakers, lift you over the mighty waves and deliver you right into your victory.
Chuck spent 4 lonely years on that island. I'm sure they felt more like 40. That's a lot of "wait time." What about you? What will you do in the mean time? How will you handle your 4 months or 4 years or maybe even 40?
I would recommend following Chuck's advice from a scene in the movie where he is talking with a close friend:
"I knew that I was never gonna get off that island. I was gonna die there. Totally alone. I mean I was gonna get sick or injured or something. The only choice I had, that I could control, was when and how and where that was going to happen. So, I made a rope and I went up to the summit to hang myself. I had to test it, of course, you know me. And the weight of the log snapped the limb of the tree and I thought, "I can' t even kill myself the way I want to." I had power over nothing. That's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. I had to keep breathing, even though there's no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. Stayed alive and kept breathing. And one day that logic was proven all wrong because one day the tide came in and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. Back in Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass...and I know what I have to do now. I have to keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring."
Stay alive inside your soul. Keep breathing. Keep moving. Even when there's no reason to hope. When you've done all else as the bible says, then just stand. Stand with all your might. Tomorrow the sun WILL rise and you never know what the tide may bring.
I have always admired the way Tom Hanks managed the role, starting with the physical appearance changes and ending with the outstanding facial expressions… Have always stood still in front of the change that happened to a man who considered time to be everything and his life used to be planned minute by minute, to a man who had to learn to let go of the idea of time in general… learned it the hard way though…
I have always been touched by that scene where he loses “Wilson” – the volleyball – his only “friend” … I can’t but imagine myself in his place… I mean… I’m one of those who get emotionally involved with places and objects in my life… in addition to people… and I feel bad with the loss of any intimate – inanimate – object… how does it feel like then when it’s the only intimate “thing” he had…
Every time I watch the movie I stop at the scene where he uses the lighter at the end of the movie… to produce fire… something that he had worked on for days and days to be able to “create fire”… I stop and think of how ironic it is… Likewise, I noticed yesterday a sentence that I haven’t seem to pay attention to before… Just before he left the car heading to his flight, he told his girlfriend – Helen Hunt – “I’ll be right back”… How sarcastic this sound to you!! We always assume that things will just move the way we want it to… it took him 4 years to “be right back”… and he came back not even the same man who left that car… Did it ever cross his mind while uttering these words before he left that the “be right back” will be equal to “four years of isolation”?
I have seen this movie dozens of times, and every time I watch it I seem to be getting a very harsh slap on my face all over again… it always triggers these thoughts of not taking things for granted… for me this movie is far beyond someone surviving on an isolated island… For me, it is about setting your priorities and preferences… about not taking things for granted… about appreciating the moment while living it… and not after it is gone… It is about keeping the faith that even in the worse situations, tomorrow will come… and tomorrow might be good for something…
Below is a very touching conversation that took place between “Chuck Noland” – Tom Hanks – with his friend “Stan” at the end of the movie…
Keep the faith,
Rou… – Who knows what the tide could bring…?
“We both had done the math…
Kelly added it all up and… knew she had to let me go…
I added it up, and knew that I had… lost her… ‘cos I was never gonna get off that island… I was gonna die there, totally alone… I was gonna get sick, or get injured or something… The only choice I had, the only thing I could control was when, and how, and where it was going to happen… So… I made a rope and I went up to the summit, to hang myself… I had to test it, you know? Of course. You know me… And the weight of the log, snapped the limb of the tree, so I- I – , I couldn’t even kill myself the way I wanted to… I had power over *nothing*…
And that’s when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket… I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive… Somehow… I had to keep breathing… Even though there was no reason to hope… And all my logic said that I would never see this place again…
So that’s what I did… I stayed alive… I kept breathing… And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail…
And now, here I am… I’m back… In Memphis, talking to you… I have ice in my glass…
And I’ve lost her all over again…
I’m so sad that I don’t have Kelly… But I’m so grateful that she was with me on that island…
And I know what I have to do now… I gotta keep breathing…
Because tomorrow the sun will rise…
Who knows what the tide could bring…?”
PART II
So many times when we go through struggles that last longer than your typical issue. Struggles that can last seasons, even years. We can lose all hope. Like Tom Hanks in the movie Cast Away, we can feel abandoned, lonely, afraid and utterly hopeless. If you have not seen this movie, then this blog won't make total sense. I apologize, but have to draw from this analogy regardless as it is near to my heart.
Chuck Noland (Tom Hanks) has discovered, after a horrific plane crash, that he is the sole survivor and has been washed ashore on a deserted island. He then desperately begins searching for signs of life, trying to signal for help and last but not least, making his own raft and trying to head out to sea. All these attempts fail early on in the movie. Sadly, his sloppily made raft is smashed to pieces by the wind and waves and all hope of escape seems lost as Chuck realizes his own powerlessness.
Ever feel that way?
Have you found yourself in a lonely and desperate situation that feels like it will never end? Do you feel that your dreams for your life have been dashed against the shore? Has your new "home" become one filled with sorrow and mourning mixed with a tad bit of insanity? Have all hopes of a rescue or escape been faded by the time that has elapsed? Have you tried to make courageous attempts to move out of of this season or situation and found you and your man made "raft" overpowered by the wind and waves? Chuck felt all these things and more to be sure.
Yet, on a random day, just another ordinary day in his lonely life on that island...lo and behold, a make shift sail washes ashore. You see, the reason he was unable to escape the first time was because he did not have the sail that would catch the wind and use it to lift him over the waves. He also did not have the favor of the right direction of the wind.
This was Chuck's time. This was his day. God's hand was in it this time. This was not a man made escape. This was divine intervention. He had to try...one more time. Chuck's brave escape with the help of that make shift sail and the favor of the east wind led to his rescue in the end.
Just like that "sail" washed ashore for Chuck, your answer is on the way as well. Maybe your first few man made attempts to save your marriage, reconnect with a wayward child or find an answer to your illness ended in defeat. Do not despair my friends. Your God given sail is going to wash ashore any day now, when you least expect it. The wind is going to blow in your favor. This time, you will be prepared. This time you will know what to do. This time the wind won't break you. Rather, you will use it to push you past the breakers, lift you over the mighty waves and deliver you right into your victory.
Chuck spent 4 lonely years on that island. I'm sure they felt more like 40. That's a lot of "wait time." What about you? What will you do in the mean time? How will you handle your 4 months or 4 years or maybe even 40?
I would recommend following Chuck's advice from a scene in the movie where he is talking with a close friend:
"I knew that I was never gonna get off that island. I was gonna die there. Totally alone. I mean I was gonna get sick or injured or something. The only choice I had, that I could control, was when and how and where that was going to happen. So, I made a rope and I went up to the summit to hang myself. I had to test it, of course, you know me. And the weight of the log snapped the limb of the tree and I thought, "I can' t even kill myself the way I want to." I had power over nothing. That's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. I had to keep breathing, even though there's no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. Stayed alive and kept breathing. And one day that logic was proven all wrong because one day the tide came in and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. Back in Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass...and I know what I have to do now. I have to keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring."
Stay alive inside your soul. Keep breathing. Keep moving. Even when there's no reason to hope. When you've done all else as the bible says, then just stand. Stand with all your might. Tomorrow the sun WILL rise and you never know what the tide may bring.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
DATING: WHAT DO GUYS / MEN REALLY WANT
What is a man seeking?
First of all a man is seeking a love-interest. This may surprise many women but men like to love and they like being loved in return. The problem is that many women come across as impassioned and cold. It is not easy to find a loving woman and it is very noticeable how many men try and hang on when they think they have found their Miss Right.
Men are seeking a woman who is attractive to them. Women may despair that men can be so shallow and that looks could matter so much but be careful. Men aren't necessarily looking for a catwalk model and many men don't like women who weigh 80lbs. But men do want a woman who takes pride in their appearance (though not excessively). Men are proud of having a girlfriend who looks good and I don't believe any man who says otherwise.
Men are looking for a trustworthy girl, someone they can have faith in and someone who will be there for them. This may sound like an odd thing to say, but the fact is, some women are not trustworthy and many are not faithful either. So many in fact that men are increasingly wary. That kiss at a Christmas party may not count, or the flirtatious behavior with the gorgeous barman and in fact its all great fun and part of a woman's character. But reverse the situation and as a woman, you hate him doing the same. A man can never forgive a woman being unfaithful and so he is looking for someone who he really does trust.
Men want to make a home eventually and are looking for a woman who will be a willing sharer in home life. Women with a sociable lifestyle are attractive because they can be relied upon to keep the social diary running in a long term relationship.
Men are seeking women who are feminine gentle and kind because deep down the qualities that make a woman a great mother are an attraction in themselves. I am not suggesting that the man himself needs mothering, though some do, it is more the point that men seek the attributes in women that point to someone who would make a great mother to future offspring.
Men want women with a great sense of humor. Women often come across as uptight or too bothered by too many small details. You will sometimes hear mention of a girl who is 'one of the boys'. What this means is that she is able to fit in with their humor and is sociable and fun to be with. Such women are extremely attractive to many men. Men want to have a good time and relax when not working and so their ideal partners are women who are able to do the same.
Men are looking for women who retain their femininity and and are caring and kind. In recent years, aping men may be a female fashion statement, but it doesn't make them attractive. Whilst every woman in the world burps and farts and has the right to drink pints of beer, it doesn't necessarily attract them to the opposite sex. Women can get angry and say well men will just have to get used to it, but the issue is that they don't. They can just choose not to go for women who act in the same way as their drinking buddies.
Men want someone who is supportive. Many women are quick to criticize men in their behavior, career and set about trying to alter them and mould them. This is a crucial mistake. Men can be manipulated yes, but they see their partnerships as support systems. The best relationships work both ways in terms of support. Where a woman is not able or willing to give that support and is too quick to criticize then she may lose her man.
Men don't like angry women who shout. They want a woman who can debate and converse and is able to discuss. Communication is king. A fiery passionate temperament may have made you interesting and challenging on day one. But by day 500 it holds no glory whatsoever.
Men love a challenging woman, someone who keeps them on their toes. Men are generally lazy in relationships once they feel they're in secure territory. When a man is challenged so he does something about it. If you want to keep your man interested, keep him challenged.
Men are generally more reserved about sex than women. This is my experience is a fact. Men know what they like in bed and tend to stick to it. The adventurous sexual appetite in most men isn't there even if they are convinced it is. Men in reality are quite conservative. Sexually adventurous has nothing to do with having lots of partners and more to do with the things they will try with the same partner. In most test cases I have conducted, it is the man who looks for a quiet time in the bedroom and the woman who ultimately becomes bored.
Men want a woman who will commit to them. Though increasingly this is hard to find, it doesn't take away the wish. Men want a girlfriend who they can share with and trust and be open with. Commitment is not a one way street and therefore men are struggling to find the levels of commitment they found previously. But the need is still there.
Men don't want to be alone.
First of all a man is seeking a love-interest. This may surprise many women but men like to love and they like being loved in return. The problem is that many women come across as impassioned and cold. It is not easy to find a loving woman and it is very noticeable how many men try and hang on when they think they have found their Miss Right.
Men are seeking a woman who is attractive to them. Women may despair that men can be so shallow and that looks could matter so much but be careful. Men aren't necessarily looking for a catwalk model and many men don't like women who weigh 80lbs. But men do want a woman who takes pride in their appearance (though not excessively). Men are proud of having a girlfriend who looks good and I don't believe any man who says otherwise.
Men are looking for a trustworthy girl, someone they can have faith in and someone who will be there for them. This may sound like an odd thing to say, but the fact is, some women are not trustworthy and many are not faithful either. So many in fact that men are increasingly wary. That kiss at a Christmas party may not count, or the flirtatious behavior with the gorgeous barman and in fact its all great fun and part of a woman's character. But reverse the situation and as a woman, you hate him doing the same. A man can never forgive a woman being unfaithful and so he is looking for someone who he really does trust.
Men want to make a home eventually and are looking for a woman who will be a willing sharer in home life. Women with a sociable lifestyle are attractive because they can be relied upon to keep the social diary running in a long term relationship.
Men are seeking women who are feminine gentle and kind because deep down the qualities that make a woman a great mother are an attraction in themselves. I am not suggesting that the man himself needs mothering, though some do, it is more the point that men seek the attributes in women that point to someone who would make a great mother to future offspring.
Men want women with a great sense of humor. Women often come across as uptight or too bothered by too many small details. You will sometimes hear mention of a girl who is 'one of the boys'. What this means is that she is able to fit in with their humor and is sociable and fun to be with. Such women are extremely attractive to many men. Men want to have a good time and relax when not working and so their ideal partners are women who are able to do the same.
Men are looking for women who retain their femininity and and are caring and kind. In recent years, aping men may be a female fashion statement, but it doesn't make them attractive. Whilst every woman in the world burps and farts and has the right to drink pints of beer, it doesn't necessarily attract them to the opposite sex. Women can get angry and say well men will just have to get used to it, but the issue is that they don't. They can just choose not to go for women who act in the same way as their drinking buddies.
Men want someone who is supportive. Many women are quick to criticize men in their behavior, career and set about trying to alter them and mould them. This is a crucial mistake. Men can be manipulated yes, but they see their partnerships as support systems. The best relationships work both ways in terms of support. Where a woman is not able or willing to give that support and is too quick to criticize then she may lose her man.
Men don't like angry women who shout. They want a woman who can debate and converse and is able to discuss. Communication is king. A fiery passionate temperament may have made you interesting and challenging on day one. But by day 500 it holds no glory whatsoever.
Men love a challenging woman, someone who keeps them on their toes. Men are generally lazy in relationships once they feel they're in secure territory. When a man is challenged so he does something about it. If you want to keep your man interested, keep him challenged.
Men are generally more reserved about sex than women. This is my experience is a fact. Men know what they like in bed and tend to stick to it. The adventurous sexual appetite in most men isn't there even if they are convinced it is. Men in reality are quite conservative. Sexually adventurous has nothing to do with having lots of partners and more to do with the things they will try with the same partner. In most test cases I have conducted, it is the man who looks for a quiet time in the bedroom and the woman who ultimately becomes bored.
Men want a woman who will commit to them. Though increasingly this is hard to find, it doesn't take away the wish. Men want a girlfriend who they can share with and trust and be open with. Commitment is not a one way street and therefore men are struggling to find the levels of commitment they found previously. But the need is still there.
Men don't want to be alone.
THOUGHTS/JOURNAL/DATING: WHY MELISSA CHANGE ME FROM BEING A NICE GUY TO THE TOTAL OPPOSITE
Twenty years ago, the second woman I ever loved broke my heart. Her name was Melissa. Like many break ups, the end came in stutters and sine waves rather than as an abrupt but mercifully irreversible amputation. However, for reasons I couldn’t understand yet quickly began to resent, my ex-girlfriend continued to ask favors of me. And I continued to grant them.
Then one morning while chanting I found myself ruminating about how inappropriate it was of her to keep asking, and the more I thought about it, the more irritated I became. My indignation continued to intensify after I’d finished chanting and began showering, finally reaching a peak as I rinsed the shampoo from my hair, causing me to make a sudden and angry determination that the next time she asked me for a favor, I’d refuse.
At that exact moment, the phone rang.
I knew it was her calling—and sure enough, after I’d finished showering, one of my roommates confirmed it and added that she’d asked that I call her back before I left for school.
As I walked toward the phone I told myself that when she asked me for the favor for which I knew she’d called, I’d refuse. I called her up, and—sure enough—she asked me if I would record a television show for her on my VCR (again, this was 20 years ago). In my mind I said, “No.” But then I heard my mouth say, “Yes.”
I hung up—and laughed out loud. I was as powerless to refuse her a favor as I was to run through a brick wall.
So I decided to begin chanting with the determination to free myself from my inability to refuse her favors. And one day, months later, while chanting, I had an epiphany. The reason I remained unable to refuse her requests was that I’d established a Good Guy Contract with her.
Until that moment of epiphany, I had no idea what a Good Guy Contract was, much less that it was the standard contract I consistently signed with almost everyone in my life. But in that startling moment of clarity I understood not only what it was but why I kept signing it: my self-esteem, which I’d previously believed to be built on things solely internal, was in fact entirely dependent on something external—the good will of others. The Good Guy Contract was simple: I would agree to be nice to you, to advise you, to sacrifice for you, to care about you—and in return you would agree to believe that I was wise, compassionate, excellent as a human being in every way, and finally and most importantly, you would like me.
This was the contract I’d signed with my ex-girlfriend, the only difference being I didn’t just expect to be liked; I expected to be loved. And for a while, I was. Unfortunately once I’d had a taste of that love, it became my ego’s addiction, and when she took it away from me I became profoundly depressed—not because, as I originally thought, I’d been left by someone I thought was the love of my life, but because I genuinely believed without that someone I couldn’t be happy. Why, then, did I keep doing favors for her after we’d broken up? Because I couldn’t shake the Good Guy habit. Some part of me believed if I continued to fulfill my contractual obligations to her, she’d start fulfilling hers again to me. To say I was shocked to discover my self-esteem had been built on such shaky ground would be an understatement.
I didn’t realize at the time, but at the moment I had the epiphany about my propensity to sign Good Guy Contracts with everyone in my life, I stopped doing it. This was proven to me three months later when my best friend came to me asking me why I had recently become such a jerk to all my friends. My first reaction was to become defensive and deny it. But then I stopped myself, realizing that he was absolutely right. I began to wonder why I had in fact become so dismissive of so many of my friends and realized that I’d somehow stopped needing their approval to sustain my self-esteem and had somehow torn up all the Good Guy Contracts I’d signed with them (these were people, it turned out, with whom I had little in common to bind us together in genuine friendship). I’d somehow discovered a way to love and value myself without feeding off the love and esteem of anyone else. And most fascinating of all, without my ever discussing this with my ex-girlfriend, she never asked me for another favor again.
THE BENEFIT OF TEARING UP THE GOOD GUY CONTRACT
I’m not arguing there’s anything wrong with wanting to be liked. Nor am I saying I no longer care if I’m liked or not. What I am saying is that in freeing myself from the need to be liked—in learning to derive my self-esteem from internal support—I can more easily let go of the dissonance that (still) occurs when I’m disliked. Ridding myself of the need to sign Good Guy Contracts has brought me tremendous benefits, including enabling me to:
-Stop suffering when people don’t like me. I can’t control how others respond to me, and being freed of the need to write Good Guy Contracts has freed me of the need to try to influence others to like me as well—which has freed up an unbelievable amount of my time.
-Become an effective leader. If your primary concern is to please everyone, you won’t be able to make good decisions for the right reasons. I could never have taken on the leadership roles I have had I not eliminated my need to be a People Pleaser (another name for a Good Guy).
-Establish more genuine friendships—friendships based on mutual interest, free of the underlying agenda in which I would use the goodwill of another to support my self-esteem.
-Be compassionate. Freed of the need to be liked, I can now contemplate compassionate action motivated only by the desire to add to the happiness of another person and not by the imperative to sustain my self-esteem, making it far more likely my actions will be wisely compassionate, the importance of which I discussed in a previous post, What Compassion Is.
-Avoid explosive expressions of pent up resentment. Being unable to say no leads to resentment toward oneself that often gets projected onto others but that’s paradoxically rarely expressed (becoming angry at someone would violate the terms of the Good Guy Contract)—until it builds up to the point where it must be expressed and then often is in explosive and damaging ways.
-Avoid feeling overwhelmed by too much responsibility. What a relief it’s been to be able to own what’s mine and not what belongs to others.
HOW TO TEAR UP THE GOOD GUY CONTRACT
People sign Good Guy Contracts all the time. It’s especially common in younger people, less so as people mature naturally into independence. Yet it persists in many—as I believe it would have in me had I not confronted the suffering my signing a Good Guy Contract with my ex-girlfriend caused me.
If you’re a chronic People Pleaser who can’t stand to disappoint others when disappointing them is appropriate, then you have a great opportunity to become happier. First, how can you confirm that you sign Good Guy Contracts in your relationships (both romantic and platonic)? Try asking yourself the following questions:
When you disappoint someone, anger them, or cause them in some way to dislike you, does it create disproportionate anxiety for you?
Do you have difficulty enduring even a mild degree of conflict with others?
Do you become obsessed with manipulating how others feel about you?
Are your actions predominantly motivated by how they’ll cause others to view you?
If so, these are reasonably good indicators you’re working too hard to be a Good Guy.
What, then, can you do to stop? Other than taking up the practice of Nichiren Buddhism, the most effective method I’ve found is to practice disappointing people. That is, when disappointing someone is genuinely necessary, I approach it as practice for developing my self-esteem. If I fail, that’s fine. After all, it was only practice. I get back up, dust myself off, and make a determination to try again next time, reminding myself as I do so that violating the Good Guy Contract and setting appropriate boundaries doesn’t usually lead to being disliked as we People Pleasers fear, but rather to being respected.
In all honesty, even now, two decades later, I sometimes still feel the tug of the need to please. Though the wisdom I activated all those years ago has never stopped functioning in my life, sometimes it functions less strongly than others, depending on my life-condition. Sometimes I still have to remind myself consciously not to be overly affected by the opinions of others. But the ability to let go of my need to be liked, even if it sometimes requires conscious effort, is one of the greatest bits of human revolution I’ve ever accomplished and absolutely worth every bit of suffering it required.
Then one morning while chanting I found myself ruminating about how inappropriate it was of her to keep asking, and the more I thought about it, the more irritated I became. My indignation continued to intensify after I’d finished chanting and began showering, finally reaching a peak as I rinsed the shampoo from my hair, causing me to make a sudden and angry determination that the next time she asked me for a favor, I’d refuse.
At that exact moment, the phone rang.
I knew it was her calling—and sure enough, after I’d finished showering, one of my roommates confirmed it and added that she’d asked that I call her back before I left for school.
As I walked toward the phone I told myself that when she asked me for the favor for which I knew she’d called, I’d refuse. I called her up, and—sure enough—she asked me if I would record a television show for her on my VCR (again, this was 20 years ago). In my mind I said, “No.” But then I heard my mouth say, “Yes.”
I hung up—and laughed out loud. I was as powerless to refuse her a favor as I was to run through a brick wall.
So I decided to begin chanting with the determination to free myself from my inability to refuse her favors. And one day, months later, while chanting, I had an epiphany. The reason I remained unable to refuse her requests was that I’d established a Good Guy Contract with her.
Until that moment of epiphany, I had no idea what a Good Guy Contract was, much less that it was the standard contract I consistently signed with almost everyone in my life. But in that startling moment of clarity I understood not only what it was but why I kept signing it: my self-esteem, which I’d previously believed to be built on things solely internal, was in fact entirely dependent on something external—the good will of others. The Good Guy Contract was simple: I would agree to be nice to you, to advise you, to sacrifice for you, to care about you—and in return you would agree to believe that I was wise, compassionate, excellent as a human being in every way, and finally and most importantly, you would like me.
This was the contract I’d signed with my ex-girlfriend, the only difference being I didn’t just expect to be liked; I expected to be loved. And for a while, I was. Unfortunately once I’d had a taste of that love, it became my ego’s addiction, and when she took it away from me I became profoundly depressed—not because, as I originally thought, I’d been left by someone I thought was the love of my life, but because I genuinely believed without that someone I couldn’t be happy. Why, then, did I keep doing favors for her after we’d broken up? Because I couldn’t shake the Good Guy habit. Some part of me believed if I continued to fulfill my contractual obligations to her, she’d start fulfilling hers again to me. To say I was shocked to discover my self-esteem had been built on such shaky ground would be an understatement.
I didn’t realize at the time, but at the moment I had the epiphany about my propensity to sign Good Guy Contracts with everyone in my life, I stopped doing it. This was proven to me three months later when my best friend came to me asking me why I had recently become such a jerk to all my friends. My first reaction was to become defensive and deny it. But then I stopped myself, realizing that he was absolutely right. I began to wonder why I had in fact become so dismissive of so many of my friends and realized that I’d somehow stopped needing their approval to sustain my self-esteem and had somehow torn up all the Good Guy Contracts I’d signed with them (these were people, it turned out, with whom I had little in common to bind us together in genuine friendship). I’d somehow discovered a way to love and value myself without feeding off the love and esteem of anyone else. And most fascinating of all, without my ever discussing this with my ex-girlfriend, she never asked me for another favor again.
THE BENEFIT OF TEARING UP THE GOOD GUY CONTRACT
I’m not arguing there’s anything wrong with wanting to be liked. Nor am I saying I no longer care if I’m liked or not. What I am saying is that in freeing myself from the need to be liked—in learning to derive my self-esteem from internal support—I can more easily let go of the dissonance that (still) occurs when I’m disliked. Ridding myself of the need to sign Good Guy Contracts has brought me tremendous benefits, including enabling me to:
-Stop suffering when people don’t like me. I can’t control how others respond to me, and being freed of the need to write Good Guy Contracts has freed me of the need to try to influence others to like me as well—which has freed up an unbelievable amount of my time.
-Become an effective leader. If your primary concern is to please everyone, you won’t be able to make good decisions for the right reasons. I could never have taken on the leadership roles I have had I not eliminated my need to be a People Pleaser (another name for a Good Guy).
-Establish more genuine friendships—friendships based on mutual interest, free of the underlying agenda in which I would use the goodwill of another to support my self-esteem.
-Be compassionate. Freed of the need to be liked, I can now contemplate compassionate action motivated only by the desire to add to the happiness of another person and not by the imperative to sustain my self-esteem, making it far more likely my actions will be wisely compassionate, the importance of which I discussed in a previous post, What Compassion Is.
-Avoid explosive expressions of pent up resentment. Being unable to say no leads to resentment toward oneself that often gets projected onto others but that’s paradoxically rarely expressed (becoming angry at someone would violate the terms of the Good Guy Contract)—until it builds up to the point where it must be expressed and then often is in explosive and damaging ways.
-Avoid feeling overwhelmed by too much responsibility. What a relief it’s been to be able to own what’s mine and not what belongs to others.
HOW TO TEAR UP THE GOOD GUY CONTRACT
People sign Good Guy Contracts all the time. It’s especially common in younger people, less so as people mature naturally into independence. Yet it persists in many—as I believe it would have in me had I not confronted the suffering my signing a Good Guy Contract with my ex-girlfriend caused me.
If you’re a chronic People Pleaser who can’t stand to disappoint others when disappointing them is appropriate, then you have a great opportunity to become happier. First, how can you confirm that you sign Good Guy Contracts in your relationships (both romantic and platonic)? Try asking yourself the following questions:
When you disappoint someone, anger them, or cause them in some way to dislike you, does it create disproportionate anxiety for you?
Do you have difficulty enduring even a mild degree of conflict with others?
Do you become obsessed with manipulating how others feel about you?
Are your actions predominantly motivated by how they’ll cause others to view you?
If so, these are reasonably good indicators you’re working too hard to be a Good Guy.
What, then, can you do to stop? Other than taking up the practice of Nichiren Buddhism, the most effective method I’ve found is to practice disappointing people. That is, when disappointing someone is genuinely necessary, I approach it as practice for developing my self-esteem. If I fail, that’s fine. After all, it was only practice. I get back up, dust myself off, and make a determination to try again next time, reminding myself as I do so that violating the Good Guy Contract and setting appropriate boundaries doesn’t usually lead to being disliked as we People Pleasers fear, but rather to being respected.
In all honesty, even now, two decades later, I sometimes still feel the tug of the need to please. Though the wisdom I activated all those years ago has never stopped functioning in my life, sometimes it functions less strongly than others, depending on my life-condition. Sometimes I still have to remind myself consciously not to be overly affected by the opinions of others. But the ability to let go of my need to be liked, even if it sometimes requires conscious effort, is one of the greatest bits of human revolution I’ve ever accomplished and absolutely worth every bit of suffering it required.
SPIRITUAL: LET GO
We all suffer, every day: worry, procrastination, anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, irritated, angry, frustrated, wishing things were different, comparing ourselves to others, worried we’re missing out, wishing other people would be different, feeling offended, loneliness, fear of failure, not wanting to do something, wishing we had less fat or bigger boobs or bigger muscles, angry at being controlled, wanting to find the perfect someone, wishing our partner was more perfect, stressed about finances, not wanting to think about problems, not knowing how to fix things, uncertain about choices, rushing from one task to the next, not liking our jobs.
And yet, these problems are self-created.
They’re real, but our tricky minds have created them. The problems are in our heads, created by some ideal/fantasy/expectation of how we wished the world would be, or hope it will be but fear it won’t be. It exists in our heads.
Try this, for a minute: let all of that go for a moment, and just pay attention to the physical things around you right now. Your body, the light, sounds, the thing you’re sitting on, the things moving or sitting still around you. Don’t judge them against what they should be, but just observe what they actually are.
See this moment as it is, without all the things you’re worried/frustrated/angry about. Let go of all of those things, and just see this moment.
It is perfect, as it is.
Accept this moment. Cherish it. This is real, and it is wonderful.
You can go back to worrying about everything else in a moment.
And yet, these problems are self-created.
They’re real, but our tricky minds have created them. The problems are in our heads, created by some ideal/fantasy/expectation of how we wished the world would be, or hope it will be but fear it won’t be. It exists in our heads.
Try this, for a minute: let all of that go for a moment, and just pay attention to the physical things around you right now. Your body, the light, sounds, the thing you’re sitting on, the things moving or sitting still around you. Don’t judge them against what they should be, but just observe what they actually are.
See this moment as it is, without all the things you’re worried/frustrated/angry about. Let go of all of those things, and just see this moment.
It is perfect, as it is.
Accept this moment. Cherish it. This is real, and it is wonderful.
You can go back to worrying about everything else in a moment.
ARTICLE:You can limit Google from making your “private” information “public” - See more at: http://support-mart.blogspot.com/2014/02/you-can-limit-google-from-making-your
A stranger following you, every time you leave your home or office, is something that no one of us will ever welcome. Someone who does it daily is Google, in fact we permit Google to do it every single day. What lures you into this are the free services and an easily accessible web feature. Google, meanwhile, has never hidden this fact and it’s clearly mentioned in the privacy policy. The question is how many of us have actually read this policy before accepting it?
Wondering what all Google can know? Answer is your location via GPS, other information through your phone logs. So, if you wish to hide your personal information from Google, here are some steps which can help you do so, easily.
Move to the Google Dashboard, which gives access to all Google Services like Google Plus, YouTube and more, where you can control the privacy level. This helps in limiting the amount of info shared publically.
Cookies keep accumulating in your PC, and you thus need to clean these regularly. As Google uses them as a unique identifier, to collect information and give advertisers access to your contact info.
VPN aka Virtual Private Network, helps you experience anonymity while surfing the web, which means you can now stay hidden from not just Google, but hackers and others.
Switch to the Incognito or the InPrivate option, which is a secured browsing feature that helps in protecting your privacy over the web. It can be activated in Chrome, Mozilla and Internet Explorer as well.
Download the DoNotTrack app/plug-in without any further delay. This is if you do not have complete trust over the above mentioned app, this tool extends to all tracking tools and puts a check on how your online activity is tracked. In case you did not know, DNT keeps a check on the cookies as well.
A removal request can be made to Google in case you wish to delete any of your info being shared to the world. So, file this request now.
Google Maps is an interesting and useful feature, but we hope you do not wish the world to know where you are? If yes, then remove your house from the Google Maps now. It’s a simple three step process, which can help you do this easily.
Choose what you wish to share on the various social profiles via Google, so, don’t be an open book to the world and make changes now on LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook and others.
Stay away from Google search, we know it may sound absurd and tough, but doing so will help in decreasing the hassle of going public, significantly.
Google+ Chrome combo must be a complete no-no, especially if using this on your phone. If logged in, Google can be unknowingly following you everywhere you go. When on your home PC, at your work computer or any place else.
Avoid adding any details in the first place, to keep away from seeing your info being shared at places you never wish. It’s better to not do it, rather than feel culpable later.
So, here were the top 11 ways by which you can keep your ‘private’ information on Google actually ‘private’, at least to some extent. Also, if you thought it’s just Google collecting your info, then think again, as there are many companies doing the same, secretly! -
Wondering what all Google can know? Answer is your location via GPS, other information through your phone logs. So, if you wish to hide your personal information from Google, here are some steps which can help you do so, easily.
Move to the Google Dashboard, which gives access to all Google Services like Google Plus, YouTube and more, where you can control the privacy level. This helps in limiting the amount of info shared publically.
Cookies keep accumulating in your PC, and you thus need to clean these regularly. As Google uses them as a unique identifier, to collect information and give advertisers access to your contact info.
VPN aka Virtual Private Network, helps you experience anonymity while surfing the web, which means you can now stay hidden from not just Google, but hackers and others.
Switch to the Incognito or the InPrivate option, which is a secured browsing feature that helps in protecting your privacy over the web. It can be activated in Chrome, Mozilla and Internet Explorer as well.
Download the DoNotTrack app/plug-in without any further delay. This is if you do not have complete trust over the above mentioned app, this tool extends to all tracking tools and puts a check on how your online activity is tracked. In case you did not know, DNT keeps a check on the cookies as well.
A removal request can be made to Google in case you wish to delete any of your info being shared to the world. So, file this request now.
Google Maps is an interesting and useful feature, but we hope you do not wish the world to know where you are? If yes, then remove your house from the Google Maps now. It’s a simple three step process, which can help you do this easily.
Choose what you wish to share on the various social profiles via Google, so, don’t be an open book to the world and make changes now on LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook and others.
Stay away from Google search, we know it may sound absurd and tough, but doing so will help in decreasing the hassle of going public, significantly.
Google+ Chrome combo must be a complete no-no, especially if using this on your phone. If logged in, Google can be unknowingly following you everywhere you go. When on your home PC, at your work computer or any place else.
Avoid adding any details in the first place, to keep away from seeing your info being shared at places you never wish. It’s better to not do it, rather than feel culpable later.
So, here were the top 11 ways by which you can keep your ‘private’ information on Google actually ‘private’, at least to some extent. Also, if you thought it’s just Google collecting your info, then think again, as there are many companies doing the same, secretly! -
Saturday, March 1, 2014
DATING/ LOVE: WHEN I FALL IN LOVE
When I fall in love, how would I feel? I asked this question to myself countless times, and even now as I write, I cannot help but reflect on those times when I did fall in love - madly, fondly and blindly.When I fall in love, I want to be with her always; In happiness, to smile with her, and be the one to hug her near. In sadness, to cry with her, and be the one to dry her tears. When I fall in love, I will spend my every waking and sleeping moments with her and catch each moment in its eternally lovely form. When I fall in love, I will miss her the very moment I say 'goodbye' and my heart will yearn forthe very moment I say ‘hello'. When I fall in love, all my old hurts and pains will seem lost and faded away and I will be strong and brave once again. When I fall in love,I want you to be happy always, ever and feel like the happiest person of them all . . .Because that's what I will feel, when I fall in love, with you. So when two people fall in love, something interesting is bound to happen. Like all romances, things might go well, they might not, or, most likely, there’ll be a mix of both. Unlike most romances, however, when two hopless romantic hook up, it almost always leads to love.
Friday, February 28, 2014
PERSONAL : THEY TYPE OF MAN I AM
I am the man who brings your fantasies to life. I am the man who you love to see. I am the man you wish you could meet. I am the man who wants what he needs. I am the man who is known for his honor. I am the man who’s loyalty knows no bounds. I am the man who’s honesty never ends. I am the man who’s promise is always kept. I am the man who’s respect is always given. I am the man who’s love never ends. I am the man that fights for what he loves. I am the man that you wish you could have. I am the man who has a heart of gold. I am the man that will stand by your side to the end. I am the man who will not call you fake. I am the man who see’s more then a pretty face.I am the man who holds you when you cry. I am the man who is judged but does not judge. I am the man who forgives if you lie. I am the man who wishes to soar the skies. I am the man who loves but isn’t loved. I am the man who creates but never destroys. I am the man that is confident but insecure. I am the man who cares without being cared. I am the man who’s always lonely, but never alone. I am the man who is smart yet ignorant. I am the man you want but can never have. I am the man you miss but won’t see. I am the man that cares when no one’s there. I am the man you can call at any hour. I am the man you can expect to always stay. I am the man you can trust with all your soul. I am the man you can love that won’t be lost. Most of all, I am me.
PERSONAL/ DATING/ LOVE : AN IMPORTANT POST - WHY MET YOU IF YOU ARE NOT READY
After going on dates and looking back at my relationship...I realized something... it's not really the actual person that makes him or her the love of our life? It's actually the emotional place we're in? We can't fall in love with someone if our hearts are closed or if we're unavailable. We can't fall in love with someone when we are so scared of getting hurt or so scared of having our freedom taken away, that we walk around with walls up. We can't fall in love with someone when we are unwilling to be vulnerable. And we can't expect someone to swoop in and magically make our walls disappear for us and be mad at them when they don't.
Hear me out: I have gone on so many dates and the ones the work...are the ones when someone is actually ready for a relationship. if you haven't been in love again since then, I would offer that it's not necessarily that you haven't met the right person. Perhaps it's that you're not the right person!
I had a girlfriend for three years in my early-mid twenties. It was the first time either of us had ever really been in love. It was that mad, crazy, passionate love. We professed and expressed our love for each other regularly. We had to be together all the time. We made plans for the future. We were completely open, raw, and vulnerable. It was euphoric.
But then, of course, life happened, and things fell apart. Sometimes when things fall apart in relationships it's for the couple to stick together and rebuild. Other times, it's for each person to move on. That was the case with us. But it was devastating, because the passion that we shared carried over to our breakup. So I decided (unconsciously of course) that I would never experience that much hurt again, that I would never experience that loss of love again, that feeling that literally a limb was ripped from my body. I would not put myself in the place to feel that again. Ever.
So unbeknownst to me, I shut myself off from finding real love again. Of course, I desired relationships. I still desired to fall in love and meet and marry "the one." I didn't stop desiring that, it's just that underneath it all, I had a closed heart. So it makes sense that the next relationship I had after that one was with a woman who has major issues, I married someone who I couldn't get truly hurt by because I knew in my heart of heart she never really loved me...well you know how that ended...divorce.
When we find ourselves in these dating situations and relationships, we tend to ignore that there's something going on with us. We tend to think it's the other person. But see, that's just not true. It's not the other person's fault that we're not open to love... and it's not their fault that they are our mirrors and we drew them in!
Again, it is not necessarily the person that makes you fall in love with them. It is your ability to be open to love at that point in your life. She just happened to come around when you were openhearted. When you were willing to feel, willing to risk, willing to let someone else in.
You can search as long as you want for the love of your life, and date and date and date, moving on from each one to the next, making excuse after excuse about what's wrong with them or what's wrong with the relationship. But until you stop, stand still, and deal with your walls, deal with the pain that the walls are concealing, you will never meet the love of your life or have that real love. You can't do it by constantly moving from one to the next, playing it safe, and having a surface relationship. If you want the real thing, you have to be willing to take a real look at yourself, and do the real work.
Up until this point in my life, I had always said that the girlfriend I talked about earlier has been the love of my life. But I realized recently that that's not true... It's just a memory. I haven't met the love of my life yet, because up until this point I haven't allowed myself to open my heart to it again, not because I haven't met the right woman. I have been really working on opening my heart again because I crave with every ounce of my soul to have real, connected, deep love. I am ready.
When we are ready to open our hearts and deal with the risk of true love, of letting someone in, of being vulnerable, we'll be the right person to draw in that right person. Think about it next time you're placing blame on the people you're dating. Take some responsibility. There's a reason you drew in that person. He or she is merely just a mirror of you. If you want to have real love, you have to be willing to go there.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
LOVE LETTER: DEAR SOULMATE
Dear Soulmate,
You torture my mind and torment my senses even in my sleep I can smell your perfume. Every thought I have are thoughts of you. You tease my heart and flirt with my brain...my heart quickens with thoughts of you. Just to hear your voice is enough to lift me. You leave me breathless with your simple ways. You make me feel that there will always be better days. The song that plays in my mind is the sound of your laughter. The sunshine that caresses me in the morning is your face. You have captured my heart and enslave my soul and yet you go on your ways; leaving me a fool..a half crazy fool. Every day. Every hour. Every minute.Every second. Even every breath I take. Every time I am with you ...I feel something inside of me growing. What I feel is nothing I ever felt before. When we are far apart this beautiful feeling turns into a dreadful stabbing pain.Like the stars above in the sky-You are beautiful, so beautiful. Like the stars I love to see-I can't help but stare, can't help but stare. Like the stars in the nighttime sky-I love you... I love you.The very look at you disintegrates into my mind. Every look into those wonderess eyes fools my every move. As you slowly approach, i feel time stopping. The beat of my heart hurts and your little words carved into my heart as memories never to forget.Seeing you breath; a calming feeling, I can do to, but not just yet. Drawn to your endless look...a certified feelings that won't go away
Your voice, so soothing, I love to hear. A voice that's music to my ears. The wonderful sound of your voice- when near. It eases all my troubled fear. A melody that came from heaven above. It gives more joy and speaks with love, When you whisper so softly the words, "I love you." I'm so glad I'm the one you give your love to. A romantic voice, worth more than gold will ever be. That sexy voice, that only you bestow to me.
You torture my mind and torment my senses even in my sleep I can smell your perfume. Every thought I have are thoughts of you. You tease my heart and flirt with my brain...my heart quickens with thoughts of you. Just to hear your voice is enough to lift me. You leave me breathless with your simple ways. You make me feel that there will always be better days. The song that plays in my mind is the sound of your laughter. The sunshine that caresses me in the morning is your face. You have captured my heart and enslave my soul and yet you go on your ways; leaving me a fool..a half crazy fool. Every day. Every hour. Every minute.Every second. Even every breath I take. Every time I am with you ...I feel something inside of me growing. What I feel is nothing I ever felt before. When we are far apart this beautiful feeling turns into a dreadful stabbing pain.Like the stars above in the sky-You are beautiful, so beautiful. Like the stars I love to see-I can't help but stare, can't help but stare. Like the stars in the nighttime sky-I love you... I love you.The very look at you disintegrates into my mind. Every look into those wonderess eyes fools my every move. As you slowly approach, i feel time stopping. The beat of my heart hurts and your little words carved into my heart as memories never to forget.Seeing you breath; a calming feeling, I can do to, but not just yet. Drawn to your endless look...a certified feelings that won't go away
Your voice, so soothing, I love to hear. A voice that's music to my ears. The wonderful sound of your voice- when near. It eases all my troubled fear. A melody that came from heaven above. It gives more joy and speaks with love, When you whisper so softly the words, "I love you." I'm so glad I'm the one you give your love to. A romantic voice, worth more than gold will ever be. That sexy voice, that only you bestow to me.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
LOVE LETTER: DEAR SOULMATE
Dear Soulmate,
Where have you been all my life. I've been sitting around, waiting,Knowing, someday you'll come. I've been waiting for so very long,Longer than eternity were you gone. Where have you been? I remember you from somewhere in my dream. To think we were walking so close,through the same walls and doors, waiting only for destiny to run its course. I couldn't help but smile,knowing you were there all the while. Where were you all my life?
I write your name and run my fingertips on it. No words are spoken as I think of the faceless you with painted picture in my mind.Your words, my guide to your soul...still longing to see the face of you as my fingertips keep caressing your name.And so I know I have fallen
The touch of your hand so warm, so gentle, so loving. A kiss from your lips. So soft, so tender, so intoxicating.The look in your eyes.So intense, so hypnotic, so inviting. Swirling, swirling faster drowning in a pool that is you The promise of your love so unending, so true, so unconditionally perfect
Where have you been all my life. I've been sitting around, waiting,Knowing, someday you'll come. I've been waiting for so very long,Longer than eternity were you gone. Where have you been? I remember you from somewhere in my dream. To think we were walking so close,through the same walls and doors, waiting only for destiny to run its course. I couldn't help but smile,knowing you were there all the while. Where were you all my life?
I write your name and run my fingertips on it. No words are spoken as I think of the faceless you with painted picture in my mind.Your words, my guide to your soul...still longing to see the face of you as my fingertips keep caressing your name.And so I know I have fallen
The touch of your hand so warm, so gentle, so loving. A kiss from your lips. So soft, so tender, so intoxicating.The look in your eyes.So intense, so hypnotic, so inviting. Swirling, swirling faster drowning in a pool that is you The promise of your love so unending, so true, so unconditionally perfect
PERSONAL/ LOVE LETTER: I AM READY IN LOVE
To My Dearest Future Wife,
Let’s just be honest here — I always thought that if I hadn’t found you by now, I’d be totally bummed out. I thought I’d be a nervous, incomplete wreck, writing this profile as I sit in front of the computer After all, I mean, hello, I’m almost adult.
Which of course, to my 22-year-old self, was a dinosaur-like age at which I thought I’d have hot wife, two charming young Ralph Lauren model-looking kids, and would be living in the suburbs with a golden retriever and an SUV. I got the house...but that was it so far.
No doubt about it, the 22-year-old version of me would have been baffled by the weird life I’m living now — by the fact that I’ve somehow become a person who’s learned to hold tight to everything but apparent security.(And also, of course, who is still single, which may not be surprising taking into account how I tend to spend my time these days.)
My 22-year-old-self would wonder, with a confused half-frown on his face , why it seems as if I’ve been focusing on everything but finding love. After all, I used to have All The Things I was “supposed” to have, and yet I gave them all up. The apartment in the upper west side near Lincoln Center...I sold it and moved to Long Island. That TV and couch and Keurig coffeemaker I used to own? I threw them all in storage, and I honestly can’t say when (or if) they’ll be resurfacing. (Anyone want to buy a 47″ flatscreen?!)
And the woman? I gave her up when I got divorced. I gave it all up.**Ok, so maybe I kept the Keurig, but can you really blame me? But the truth is, I’m happier now than I ever was before. I started reading books, mediating, hanging out with my parents. I went on vacation..and in the process of doing All The Things, I gave up the search to find love. Now, dear future wife, don’t take this the wrong way — it’s not that I’ve given up on finding you. But see, if my 22-year-old self were to ask me why in the hell I gave up the search, I’d sit him down and I’d tell him this:
“Alex, there’s something you must know about love, and it’s much different than what you’ve been taught: Real love — real fulfillment — isn’t the way it looks in the movies, where you’re destined to be desperately incomplete and unhappy until the One Perfect Person comes into your life and magically makes your life whole. See, love, salvation, wholeness, completeness, happiness — these things don’t come to you solely through one magical person or through securing the life you’re ‘supposed’ to live.
In fact, Real Love cannot come to you at all, because it is already right here and right now, ready to be experienced in everything and everyone around you.
It is not just contained in some romantic version of flowers and wine — to really love is to love the mountain fresh air as you breathe in and breathe out. It is to love and appreciate the dexterity of your fingers on the keyboard and the sharpness of your mind. To love is to see — to really see and to really greet — each person you meet. To love is all this and more.
To fully live, I think, is to fully love.
And the truth is, in the process of learning to really live — to experience each moment deeply, fully, completely — I may not have found the right woman yet, but that’s not to say that I haven’t found love.
In fact, I’ve fallen deeply in love — not with one woman, but with life. With myself. With chopping the vegetables and washing the dishes and smiling at strangers. I’ve found love and contentment in the smallest, simplest things.
So, yes, you could say I’ve fallen madly in love.
Actually, scratch that. I’ve not fallen in love; I’ve learned to practice love. Because the truth is, real love isn’t something passive that you ‘fall’ into; rather, it is something that is active. Love is a practice; it’s something that you do every day, not something that you sit around and wait to show up on your doorstep in the form of one human being.
Real Love lies in the act of loving, not solely in the object of the beloved.
It lies in the act of loving thyself, of loving thy neighbor, and of loving this beautiful, awe-inspiring life you’ve been given.
To experience love, I’ve found, is to practice love, and you don’t have to be in a romantic relationship to practice love in its various forms. Real love extends beyond the act of simply loving one person romantically and into the realm of — yes, I’m about to get all woo-woo on you here — Universal Love.
It’s not just about finding the hot woman who wants you; it’s also about loving life, appreciating each moment, and learning to give without any expectation of reward beyond the joy of the act itself.
"If I truly love one person I love all persons, I love the world, I love life. Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person; it is an attitude, an orientation of character which determines the relatedness of a person to the world as a whole, not toward one ‘object’ of love"- Erich Fromm
And dare I say that until you’ve experienced real love — ‘big L,’ Universal Love, you cannot truly experience the realest kind of romantic love with that fabul-awesome girl who will one day — when the time is just right — step into your life.”
And so.
To The Woman Who Will One Day Become My Soul-Mate in Crime,
I am no longer looking for love. I am not looking for love in the bar at the club or Hugh Hefner' s mansion. I am no longer looking for love because I already am love. I already have love. I am already practicing love.
Yes; I’ve already found love in my life, and it is right here and right now.
Now all I’m waiting on — patiently, deliberately, and full of faith — is you.
I cannot wait — as in, I’m, like, Tom Cruise jumping on the couch excited — to meet you. And I’m just gonna go ahead and put this out there: Whenever the time is right for our paths to cross — should it be in 5 days, 5 years, or 5 lifetimes — I think I’m finally ready.
Bring it on.
Love,
Alex
Let’s just be honest here — I always thought that if I hadn’t found you by now, I’d be totally bummed out. I thought I’d be a nervous, incomplete wreck, writing this profile as I sit in front of the computer After all, I mean, hello, I’m almost adult.
Which of course, to my 22-year-old self, was a dinosaur-like age at which I thought I’d have hot wife, two charming young Ralph Lauren model-looking kids, and would be living in the suburbs with a golden retriever and an SUV. I got the house...but that was it so far.
No doubt about it, the 22-year-old version of me would have been baffled by the weird life I’m living now — by the fact that I’ve somehow become a person who’s learned to hold tight to everything but apparent security.(And also, of course, who is still single, which may not be surprising taking into account how I tend to spend my time these days.)
My 22-year-old-self would wonder, with a confused half-frown on his face , why it seems as if I’ve been focusing on everything but finding love. After all, I used to have All The Things I was “supposed” to have, and yet I gave them all up. The apartment in the upper west side near Lincoln Center...I sold it and moved to Long Island. That TV and couch and Keurig coffeemaker I used to own? I threw them all in storage, and I honestly can’t say when (or if) they’ll be resurfacing. (Anyone want to buy a 47″ flatscreen?!)
And the woman? I gave her up when I got divorced. I gave it all up.**Ok, so maybe I kept the Keurig, but can you really blame me? But the truth is, I’m happier now than I ever was before. I started reading books, mediating, hanging out with my parents. I went on vacation..and in the process of doing All The Things, I gave up the search to find love. Now, dear future wife, don’t take this the wrong way — it’s not that I’ve given up on finding you. But see, if my 22-year-old self were to ask me why in the hell I gave up the search, I’d sit him down and I’d tell him this:
“Alex, there’s something you must know about love, and it’s much different than what you’ve been taught: Real love — real fulfillment — isn’t the way it looks in the movies, where you’re destined to be desperately incomplete and unhappy until the One Perfect Person comes into your life and magically makes your life whole. See, love, salvation, wholeness, completeness, happiness — these things don’t come to you solely through one magical person or through securing the life you’re ‘supposed’ to live.
In fact, Real Love cannot come to you at all, because it is already right here and right now, ready to be experienced in everything and everyone around you.
It is not just contained in some romantic version of flowers and wine — to really love is to love the mountain fresh air as you breathe in and breathe out. It is to love and appreciate the dexterity of your fingers on the keyboard and the sharpness of your mind. To love is to see — to really see and to really greet — each person you meet. To love is all this and more.
To fully live, I think, is to fully love.
And the truth is, in the process of learning to really live — to experience each moment deeply, fully, completely — I may not have found the right woman yet, but that’s not to say that I haven’t found love.
In fact, I’ve fallen deeply in love — not with one woman, but with life. With myself. With chopping the vegetables and washing the dishes and smiling at strangers. I’ve found love and contentment in the smallest, simplest things.
So, yes, you could say I’ve fallen madly in love.
Actually, scratch that. I’ve not fallen in love; I’ve learned to practice love. Because the truth is, real love isn’t something passive that you ‘fall’ into; rather, it is something that is active. Love is a practice; it’s something that you do every day, not something that you sit around and wait to show up on your doorstep in the form of one human being.
Real Love lies in the act of loving, not solely in the object of the beloved.
It lies in the act of loving thyself, of loving thy neighbor, and of loving this beautiful, awe-inspiring life you’ve been given.
To experience love, I’ve found, is to practice love, and you don’t have to be in a romantic relationship to practice love in its various forms. Real love extends beyond the act of simply loving one person romantically and into the realm of — yes, I’m about to get all woo-woo on you here — Universal Love.
It’s not just about finding the hot woman who wants you; it’s also about loving life, appreciating each moment, and learning to give without any expectation of reward beyond the joy of the act itself.
"If I truly love one person I love all persons, I love the world, I love life. Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person; it is an attitude, an orientation of character which determines the relatedness of a person to the world as a whole, not toward one ‘object’ of love"- Erich Fromm
And dare I say that until you’ve experienced real love — ‘big L,’ Universal Love, you cannot truly experience the realest kind of romantic love with that fabul-awesome girl who will one day — when the time is just right — step into your life.”
And so.
To The Woman Who Will One Day Become My Soul-Mate in Crime,
I am no longer looking for love. I am not looking for love in the bar at the club or Hugh Hefner' s mansion. I am no longer looking for love because I already am love. I already have love. I am already practicing love.
Yes; I’ve already found love in my life, and it is right here and right now.
Now all I’m waiting on — patiently, deliberately, and full of faith — is you.
I cannot wait — as in, I’m, like, Tom Cruise jumping on the couch excited — to meet you. And I’m just gonna go ahead and put this out there: Whenever the time is right for our paths to cross — should it be in 5 days, 5 years, or 5 lifetimes — I think I’m finally ready.
Bring it on.
Love,
Alex
Monday, February 24, 2014
LOVE LETTER: DEAR SOULMATE
Dear Soulmate
How I want to hold you in my arms while you are sleeping...Hear your every soundless breath...See the moon shine on your lovely face...Smell the sweetness of your hair...and touch your tender lips...I'll cherish every moment when I am with you...becaise the future is too unpredictable...It could be as joyful and warm as the summer breeze...or as cruel and cold as the storm in the winter night... Impossible to tell where the path you and I took will lead us...but I know I will do everything to make my dream come true...without you...my life is incomplete. In the tranquil hours of night. I walk in your soul.You live in my heart with each beat....with each breath....we are one. Dawn merges with morning....I melt into you.You capture my spirit. Our hearts swell with passion. Our bodies weep with ecstasy. We are eternal love
The silky softness of your hair,
the gentle touch of your hand in mine,
the slight twitch of your nose,
the magic in your smile and laugh,
the smoothness of your lips,
the poise by which you carry your beauty,
the gentle curve of your breast, belly, and thigh,
the brightness of your deep brown eyes,
All of this is you, but it is only a glimpse of you.
You are so much more.
You are so much more to me than mere physical beauty.
Through the silky softness of your hair,
the gentle touch of your hand in mine,
the slight twitch of your nose,
the magic in your smile and laugh,
the smoothness of your lips,
the poise by which you carry your beauty,
the gentle curve of your breast, belly, and thigh,
But, most importantly, through the brightness of your deep brown eyes,
I see the beauty of your heart and soul.
I see the real you.
I see the worth and beauty of all God's creation in you alone.
Your eyes reflect this inner being,
the beauty of your soul,
the beauty of the universe,
the beauty of life everlasting,
the beauty and true meaning of -- Forever "&" A Day.
It is the depth of the beauty of your soul that I have come to Love,
Nothing more,
Nothing less.
"I Love You," means nothing in itself.
The true meaning is known only when one
recognizes the truth and beauty of
your soul.
I truly Love You -- Forever "&" A Day.
How I want to hold you in my arms while you are sleeping...Hear your every soundless breath...See the moon shine on your lovely face...Smell the sweetness of your hair...and touch your tender lips...I'll cherish every moment when I am with you...becaise the future is too unpredictable...It could be as joyful and warm as the summer breeze...or as cruel and cold as the storm in the winter night... Impossible to tell where the path you and I took will lead us...but I know I will do everything to make my dream come true...without you...my life is incomplete. In the tranquil hours of night. I walk in your soul.You live in my heart with each beat....with each breath....we are one. Dawn merges with morning....I melt into you.You capture my spirit. Our hearts swell with passion. Our bodies weep with ecstasy. We are eternal love
The silky softness of your hair,
the gentle touch of your hand in mine,
the slight twitch of your nose,
the magic in your smile and laugh,
the smoothness of your lips,
the poise by which you carry your beauty,
the gentle curve of your breast, belly, and thigh,
the brightness of your deep brown eyes,
All of this is you, but it is only a glimpse of you.
You are so much more.
You are so much more to me than mere physical beauty.
Through the silky softness of your hair,
the gentle touch of your hand in mine,
the slight twitch of your nose,
the magic in your smile and laugh,
the smoothness of your lips,
the poise by which you carry your beauty,
the gentle curve of your breast, belly, and thigh,
But, most importantly, through the brightness of your deep brown eyes,
I see the beauty of your heart and soul.
I see the real you.
I see the worth and beauty of all God's creation in you alone.
Your eyes reflect this inner being,
the beauty of your soul,
the beauty of the universe,
the beauty of life everlasting,
the beauty and true meaning of -- Forever "&" A Day.
It is the depth of the beauty of your soul that I have come to Love,
Nothing more,
Nothing less.
"I Love You," means nothing in itself.
The true meaning is known only when one
recognizes the truth and beauty of
your soul.
I truly Love You -- Forever "&" A Day.
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