PERSONAL/ JOURNAL: WRAP UP THE YEAR WITH DISAPPOINTMENT IN REGARD TO LOVE

To say that love hasn’t obeyed my expectations would be the understatement of the century.
This year I had two fail attempt with love. One with a make up artist and another with woman who then wanted to be friends after we broke up and wanted me back and when I decided to give it another shot..she wasn't ready...

I have not been lucky in love. I’ve been blessed with some amazing moments over the years, but somehow have managed to choose partners who did not want what I wanted, did not feel what I felt, and did not want to walk beside me into a future together.

I have really had to sit with this and try and figure out what part of this was my doing, and how to change it, because this year I once again chose a partner who was not walking with me.

I once again entered into a relationship desperate to find love and instead found a beautiful disaster. Love is a blessing, this we know. Unrequited love is toxic, and it can eat you alive.

Falling in love can be a slippery slope, regardless of any protective barriers we may have built. It can ease in like a light a mist that settles itself beautifully over your life, or it can blindside you.

Often we fall in love with a person before we have fully gotten to know them. By this point it’s too late—you’ve already stretched your heart for someone capable of bruising it. This is what love requires: utmost vulnerability and trust. Hopes and expectations rise along with the awareness that it can slip away.

I suggest we do our best to live in the moment. Love is elastic. It stretches and retracts and changes shape constantly. It is very uncertain. One day you are over the moon and the next disillusioned.

The elastic can break. You can re-tie it, but there is now a knot. Suddenly that perfect perception of the other person is a little bit tainted. Something rocked the pedestal. Sometimes we can recover from this, sometimes we can’t. 

Loyalty and commitment teach us that we are not to walk away from people that we love. Spirituality teaches us to love without expectation. There are a lot of belief systems about love and I question them often. If your love is shared and you are both happy I assume you wouldn’t have to question love at all.

But if your relationship, be it friendship or romantic love, is unbalanced and one person is hurting, how much is enough? How many pieces are supposed to break and how damaged can we allow ourselves to get before we throw these belief systems out the window and accept that this type of love isn’t healthy?

How do we do what is best for ourselves without damaging the heart and mind of someone else in the process?

Love and relationships require work and responsibility. We have to learn when to stretch and when to break.

For those of you who have been blessed to find a romantic love that is equally shared, I truly admire this and I have set the intention to find it one day. I think it all starts with being aware, open, and ready.

For a long time I didn’t believe I would find love so I subconsciously chose partners who I knew would be a challenge. I am no longer interested in this challenge. I told myself when my last relationship failed that I would never put myself in a situation where I didn’t know where I stood in someone’s life again; where I felt unsteady and unloved.

Unfortunately I did it again this year and I can promise you that it was the last time.  I now know what I would like my relationship with my future partner to feel like, and that is the first step towards being open to receiving this gift. Love is a gift.

I have been tested often this year and with this came the opportunity to learn lessons. I have lived my life openly. I have experienced love and trusted the process. I fell in love, watched it grow, watched it change, and watched it fall apart.

I felt the pain, and still continue to recover from it. My heart is healing and that is a slow process, but it was necessary to hurt to have learned what I learned. For this I am grateful. I’m also grateful to family who helped me to pick up the pieces when I didn’t have the energy to do it alone.

8 things I have learned about relationships so far:

1. If there is a feeling better than love, I have not felt it. Take the risk and dive in with everything you have.

2. Enjoy the good times together as they are happening and be grateful for them.

3. Stay out of the future and in the moment. Now is certain.

4. Protect both your heart and your partner’s, whether the love is still there or not. We are human and we deserve kindness. We don’t need to add to the burdens we already carry by hurting others. Trust me, it doesn’t make thing better.

5. If your relationship starts to crumble, know when to put it down and let it be. Don’t grind it into dust.

6. You cannot continue to give to another person when you are not at your best; when you are so broken, so beaten down that you have no energy left. When talking has failed and words no longer have meaning, this is when you know it is over. When you feel like this, you have to do what is best for the relationship and for each other and wave the white flag to avoid further damage.

7. Some things just won’t work, no matter how badly we wish they would. Sometimes the match that felt so right just isn’t. Please don’t do more damage to your heart by trying to fix something that has past its expiration date. It will leave you raw.

8. It is okay to walk away from something that hurts you. It doesn’t require blame or justification. It just requires you to stop fanning the flames. You will find love again, and next time it will feel better.

Life isn’t easy. Some things build us up and some tear us down. Our hearts expand and break and rebuild—repeatedly. We are constantly learning and changing and growing. If in love you find yourself in a sticky situation like I was, please stop picking at scabs.

Nothing good has ever come from this. Stop the cycle, and let your heart heal so you can find pure love. Surround yourself with loving relationships. Something beautiful is out there waiting for you. If you feel it on the inside, you’ll find it out there.

PERSONAL/ JOURNAL: NOT PUT CHEMISTRY FIRST

I decided to not put chemistry first. I used to think that finding someone you clicked with, someone who made your stomach feel sick, your hands to start to shake and your whole body feel off balance... was always going to mean it was something special. But these are things that just happen-- they're not a result of something she's doing for you. She isn't making these things happen, they just are. What I've come to realize is.. once the butterflies fly away.. and the sickness subsides, what matters is how she makes you feel on purpose --the feelings she can cause in you that are every bit of her control. Her calling to say 'hi', quoting a movie line to make you laugh or learning to accept that you like the one team in baseball she can't stand. These are the feelings that do not just fade away in time, because she won't let them-- if its really something, she'll be able to make you feel those things no matter the circumstance.

The battle of head versus heart is excruciating. Which is the right one to follow? My head which is trying to protect my heart? Or my heart, my heart that is falling hopelessly... leading me into a dead end... walking me head first into a brick wall? I wish I could say my vision is blurry-- that I'm blinded, but I can see so clearly it scares me. I see the part of me that just can't walk the other way, that can't tear my eyes off of her or keep myself from trembling when she looks directly at me-- when she makes me feel like I'm the only person in a room. Before, my fear was being vulnerable. The ability of another human being to possibly tear apart your insides at any moment was enough to keep me running. But when you met someone who makes my insides come alive, my smile become permanent, laughter more frequent-- she took away my fear and gave me hope. But, more importantly for the first time in my life, instead of wanting to run, she gave me every reason to stay

And maybe they're right, you know, maybe i expect too much --- maybe somewhere in the back of my head i want that stupid fairytale that everyone tells me isn't possible.. but i dont care. i dont care if i'm 'expecting to much.' because, i've seen glimpses, well -- more than glimpses, in other moments in the past.. with other woman ... so i know that what i am looking for is out there somewhere

PERSONAL/JOURNAL: LIFE IN GENERAL

Dating life:

Attempts at meeting people have not really been terribly successful this year. I'm not an easy man to deal with and I do not have low standards, so this is sort of difficult. I don't meet a lot of people through my job - ..you can't date your patients.. I am not a bar-goer. I'm reasonably gregarious, but not really the sort to just strike up a conversation in the grocery store. I am already busy enough I don't really want to add another hobby. I have tried internet dating with little success. (I'm actually pretty discouraged on that front -  My emails on the site are almost never returned, so I think I need to give up on that soon...

I seem to have three choices - change myself, lower my expectations, or give up trying and hope something falls in my lap. Option one is not likely to happen in any major way. I will always essentially be a strong willed, intelligent, strange man, prone to bouts of brilliance and/or slightly fey behavior. I'm a hard-sciences nerd who likes to play at being a seventh century Pict, I believe in scientific laws and magic, I want to be a famous movie start by day and  writer by night. I'm wonderful and I want someone who thinks I am wonderful too. As far as lowering my standards for a potential mate go - that's not terribly likely to be too movable either. At one point I was deluded into thinking I could get everything in one package and, as much as it would be nice to have someone who is a educated, beautiful who is in head-over-heels, oooey-gooey, poetry-writing, sexual pervert who is in love with me, I am just not the sort of man that inspires that sort of reaction in a woman... or at the very least that the woman I am attracted to are not that sort of woman. I guess the realm in which I will compromise most readily is that I don't need the romantic comedy love, but I do need a strong and genuine respect and love and an acceptance of my crazy ways... But as far as other standards go, I have no real criteria for height, physical characteristics expect she be slim to average, income, etc. I AM looking for intelligence, quick wit, a sense of wonder, for critical thinking...and a woman who want to settle down and have kids. I know there is a bit of making inappropriate comparisons to a standard going on, and that I have been given reasonable advice on how to address that, but I have been thus far too weak to take it, so I keep hurting myself on that issue. (On the other hand, it is a positive in that it does remind me that my ideal expectations are not entirely unreasonable, if I'm not too stupid to recognize them.)  As far as giving up and just hoping something happens or accepting it if it doesn't - I am afraid that would pretty much be accepting that it won't. I'm not terribly likely to meet someone "on accident" and I don't know anyone right now who is single and a good prospect..I'm not sure I am willing to resign myself quite yet.

Goals:
* nerdtastic partner
or
* acceptance of being alone

Progress thus far:
I've tried dating, getting set up, internet dating. Some good relationships, some really five star disasters. I have not had a date-date since I have been single this time, but neither have I run across any prospect that looked shiny enough to ask out, so that's sort of a chicken-egg problem.
Thoughts for the future:
So completely not sure. :/


Work
Thoughts:
Work has been eating my soul. The job requirements keep getting harder, the staff keeps shrinking, the environment keeps getting more toxic. This leads to coming home exhausted every night and hating the world, which does not do good things for my diet, fitness, mental health, or happiness goals. 

Goals:
* Try to identify the things that most make me miserable and try to fix them.

* Work on developing other alternative plans - what else could I do that would make me happy? What would meet my needs? Can I change my needs (financial and otherwise)? What options would that open up?



Mental Health
Thoughts:
 I need more "me" time, more thinking time, more sleeping time, more reading time. I do not have a time machine. This means I need to reevaluate my time expenditure and make sure that my time budget is meeting my needs and is in line with my goals. I need to track this and be accountable to myself.

Goals:
* Seven hours of sleep per night
* Five hours of quiet pre-bedtime devoted reading time per week
* Take up yoga  set aside specific thinky time on a regular basis to work through issues before they become stressors



 May my year 2014 be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. (It has to be.) I hope I read some fine books. (And not fell asleep after few pages. Gosh, it took me longer time to finish a book when the number of my age getting bigger.) and kiss someone who thinks I am wonderful (Yes, I hopeI meet someone who love my silly, my sad, my laugh, my blurriness, someone who love me just the way . I am) and don't forget to make some art - write or draw or build or sing or live as I could (I will go for drawing and do some craft as I am not good in writing & singing and definitely will live the best I could.) 

And I hope, somewhere in the next year, I surprise myself. (I will as I still have 12 months, 51 weeks, 355 days, 8520 hours,512640 mins to make it happen.)

PERSONAL/ DATING: I WANT THAT GIRL

I want the girl who tingles when I come within her view.The one who knows her place is in my arms.I want the girl whose eyes alight, While fumbling with her hands, uncontrollable honesty has such charms. The unrestrainable smile produced proves interest and excitement. Her teeth are pearly white and sharply shine.Her eyes, which dance with interest sparkle brightly in our gaze.This is the lady that I need to be mine and no, it's not one-sided lust that kindles my desire. It must be mutual to be for real for as she tingles, sparkles, and shines, (Results of inner longing), I can't contain the interest that I feel.I walk a little taller now.My head holds high and proud.My overall impression is improved. When what was once a pain within that darkened every view that comfort of completeness has removed.This state of such impassioned lust.The beauty of our pleasure instill within my heart an inner glow.The rightness of perfect pairing with unbridled passion and caring is the God-given beauty of life we all hope to know. Breathless. Breathless is the feeling that you never felt before. In that single moment you may utter a few words of joy or sorrow. You feel as though nothing could go wrong. As the world around you suddenly begins to make sense, then it all of a sudden goes back to being complicated. But no matter what you say or do, that moment will always leave you... breathless. Love is abiding, never forgiving, always coming.

POETRY: WHEN YOU LEFT..........

I just can't describe the feelings that wash over me, 
like tidal waves of and ocean.
When I close my eyes I can still smell you. 
I can still feel my fingers running through your hair.  
And I can still feel the warmth of my heart that you 'cause.  
But something's missing.  I search for it.  
I search through all my tears and thoughts and emotions 
that overcome me, but still I don't find it.  
When I open my eyes it is all clear.  
What I was missing was you.  
And reality hits me like a brick wall.  
My heart coldens like ice and my fingers go numb.  
All I can think of is the pain I am feeling.  
The pain is like a hundred daggers all at once hitting me 
and not missing a spot on my body.  
All my emotions drain out of me like water through a faucet.  
I can't see through the pictures and memories that we once shared.  
They are bombarding me. All at once 
I feel warm water slowly, ever so slowly, dripping down my cheeks. 
Yet it feels good.  I just can't describe the sensation.  
It's like letting go.  And I now realize that I must go on, 
and that going on doesn't mean that I have to give up everything 
that we once shared, that I can hold onto it, but I must move on.  
And like everything else I must leave you and live.

SPIRITUAL/DATING:VIBRATIONAL ENERGY WHEN TALKING TO WOMAN

If you want to know how to get a girl to like you, what you say is NOT the most important thing. All those words are just vehicles for something else . . . something far more important.

That something is ENERGY

I don’t mean any mystical hocus pocus.  I’m not talking about casting spells or sensing the color of her aura.  By energy, I mean the feelings you have when you speak and the feelings other people have when you speak to them.  Energy completely alters HOW you say what you say and HOW other people interpret it.

Knowing what words to say is helpful.  But what will get girls to like you is the energy you imbue those words with.  Words are just vehicles.  Energy is what you’re delivering in every interaction. Its the vibrational energy I have talked about before.

“So what energy should I bring?”

Let’s start with this: no stranger cares about your biography.  That info is for people that actually care to know more about you.  So don’t project “informative.”  No one cares.

Instead, spend the first 3 minutes going for FUN.  Fun is what everybody in a bar wants.  It’s what they’re paying for.  And it’s the commodity that is hardest to come by.  If you can bring it, girls that were previously closed off will be HOPING you decide to come talk to them.

Break the boring ass cycle of “so what do you do” or “where are you from?”  Smack yourself if those words leave your mouth in the first 5 minutes of conversation.  Save the commonalities and deep connection for later.  Be different.  Be fun.

“How do I be fun?” you ask.

How to get a girl to like you: Energy Hacking

Here’s the deal.  Your body and your mind are a two way street.  You don’t just smile because you’re happy.  You feel happy because you’re smiling.  You don’t just cross your arms because you feel shy.  You feel shy because your arms are crossed.  You don’t just take up space because you’re confident.  You feel confident because you are taking up space.  Yes, believe it or not, your feelings are under your control.  You can turn them on and off at will.

And the most effective way to control your feelings is by enacting the biomechanics (body positioning, tonality, focus) of the mood you’d like to feel.

So we know we want to project fun.  But how do you turn on the fun feeling?

Before going out, play your pump up jam.  I love Macklemore’s “Can’t Hold Us.”  Don’t just listen.  Dance and sing like a maniac.  If you want to feel good, your body has to go there first.

Starting on your walk out of your place, hoot and holler for no reason.  I have a good friend that always shouts “HELLLLOOOOOOOOO” and waves to people on the sidewalk when we walk to bars.  Whether or not they respond, he starts to feel more talkative.

Smile.  Laugh.  All the time and on purpose.  Even if you’re not feeling like it.  Laugh like the Joker until it becomes real. ESPECIALLY when you walk into a venue.  This is when you’re most likely to revert to a timid state.

Uncross your arms.  Pull your hands out of your pockets.  Clap your buddies on the shoulder.  Touch people purposely.

Speak loudly.  Increase your volume while talking to friends.  Get told you are too loud.  Allow people nearby to turn their head when you start to speak.  Again, don’t seek reactions, just get used to being a loud presence.

And this is the money tip.  So money I’m giving it it’s own section . . .

Dance wildly

This is soooo important. because it affects your entire body (which amplifies the effect on your mood).

The freedom and fun you express in conversation will EXACTLY match the freedom and fun you express with your body.  So dance.  You don’t have to dance well.  You just need to dance FREELY with the aim of having FUN.  Take 60 seconds and go nuts.  Without looking at other people.  Do not allow yourself to seek their approval.  Just cut loose like a moron.  Smile while you do it.  It doesn’t have to look good.  In fact, it is even better if it is ridiculous.  That will get your mindset out of “try to look cool” and into “be ridiculous and fun to amuse myself.”

If you need inspiration for moves, I like the velociraptor (elbows bent and stuck to my torso, hands out like claws).

Making it real

Here is the thing: reading this quietly at your computer, you might not understand how potent this all is.  So do an experiment with me.  It’ll take 20 seconds and it might change your life.

Smile.  Right now.  I’m serious.  Do it.

Smile huuuuuge.  Laugh.  Go ahead and force it.  Bob back and forth in your seat.  Make it goofy.  Shake your booty in your chair.  Keep this up for 20 seconds.

Are you doing it?  Seriously, you can’t just think this.  You have to DO it.

Keep it going for the full 20 seconds . . . this experience can change everything.

Now how do you feel now?  Different than you did when you were sitting quietly?  It’s crazy, right?  You can control your feelings at ANY TIME if you just take control of your body.  And when you feel good girls will respond like whoa.  After all, EVERYBODY wants fun.  It’s why people go out in the first place.  And now you’ve got it on tap.

PERSONAL/ LOVE/ DATING: WHY WOMAN ARE ATTRACTED TO ME AND WHY GIRLS AREN'T

A girl is attracted to boys. A woman is attracted to men. Now, this has nothing to do with the actual age of a person. I’m referring to maturity, life vision and stage of life. In fact, some people regardless of their age, will never really grow up. In my experience with dating...a girl has a checklist that prioritizes superficial qualities above anything else. Here is an example of how this checklist may look: Hot, popular, wears skinny jeans, over 6 feet tall, rich.. This is the checklist of what a woman may look for: High integrity, intelligent, kind, good communicator, emotionally available…all of which is me. Woman are attracted to me..not girls because I am not a boy.

I am a man..hence I knows what I wants, and I  goes for it. A boy may have somewhat of an idea, but not really. He doesn’t think too much about it, and even if he does, doesn’t exert much effort to get it. A boy is passive, a man is assertive.I always plans for future and is working towards building a foundation in order to have a family (I have a house, car, live in the long island and have saving).  A boy lives only in the moment and his plans are mostly around which bar he’s going to hit up on the weekend. A man like myself are attracted to woman with intelligence, who is supportive, grounded and encompasses a shared set of values. She doesn't have to be the most attractive woman in the world, but she must be the kindest. A boy cares mostly only for girls who are hot, wild and exciting. I am honest with my intentions ....I am looking to settle down. I will let you know where I stand in any subject.. A boy avoids. He ignores confrontation or any serious talks about feelings. Instead of dealing with a situation, he runs away from it or creates drama or excuses to mask the fact he’s not that into you or a relationship. A man like myself knows when to invest in a woman and jump in with two feet. A boy is always “testing” – he doesn’t fully commit because he never knows if he is quite ready. But the truth is, because he is a boy, regardless of who he meets, he will never be ready due to the stage of life he is in. I knows how to have a good time and be social, but I am often busy making strides in my job and in  building my life. A boy is getting crunk with his buddies at the bar every weekend. I have integrity. I means what I says, and says what I means. I follow through with actions on my promises.  A boy makes promises but doesn’t follow through.

A girl usually lack independence, is ruled by insecurity, .throw tantrums, perceives herself as a princess and believes people should treat her like so. She is entitled and feels that she is owed and therefore expects more than she appreciates. A woman, has standards not expectations So many girl feeling validated through her looks as their primary tool to get what she wants in life. A woman, knows her worth is beyond her physicality. A woman bases her value on her intelligence, her strength, her integrity,  and her values. A girl banks on me to be her financial strategy. A woman is financially independent – she banks on… herself. You won't believe how many girls are proud of the fact that they cannot cook or clean. A woman understands that being domestic is not a duty, but understands that it is one way of taking care of herself and others. The only way I can describe it to you is this..after spending time with a girl, you feel exhausted because she takes more than she gives. After spending time with a woman, you feel invigorated, because she empowers you with possibility, and a passion for life

THOUGHTS: YOU THOUGHT THAT BY GIVING YOUR WHOLE SELF OVER TO HER

You'll love her with all your skin, tongue and lungs.
The way that the air is just so much more crisp whenever she's in proximity to your hands.
It turns the scattered dust in the atmosphere into magnifying glasses
Aimed directly at her
Spotlighting everything you wish you could put into words but can't
Because she's just too fucking unbelievable
That even if you tried, you would offend yourself and the gods with how little it compares to
The love she makes you feel in reality.

You would do everything for her.
Hold her until your bones start to crack
So that she'll understand just what you mean 
When you tell her that you'll never let her go.
But she still doesn't get it.
She'll never understand that when you tell her that you want nothing more 
Than to let your dust be her dust, her words to be in your cheeks
Her nose to be your daughters nose
You mean that you want nothing more than to keep her forever.

But you never will.
Because you never stood a chance.
You thought that by giving your whole self over to her she would offer you the same respect.
That's not how this world works.
It never was.
These valiant efforts of yours are now dubbed selfish and inconsiderate by others
For not taking her feelings into account.
Because she doesn't know what true love is.
She never felt the need to have you near.
For her daughters smile to be your smile.
For your hands to cradle her head when she's sad.
To let you talk for hours without listening to a single goddamn word you're saying,
Because she's lost in the sound of your voice.

Because she doesn't know how to accept anything she isn't willing to give.

JOURNAL: AT SOME POINT

Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too.

SPIRITUAL: WHY WE SHOUT AND GET ANGRY

A Hindu saint who was visiting river Ganges to take bath found a group of family members on the banks, shouting in anger at each other. He turned to his disciples smiled and asked.
'Why do people shout in anger shout at each other?'
Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout.'
'But, why should you shout when the other person is just next to you? You can as well tell him what you have to say in a soft manner.' asked the saint
Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the other disciples.
Finally the saint explained, .
'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other to cover that great distance.
What happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is either nonexistent or very small...'
The saint continued, 'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.'
He looked at his disciples and said.
'So when you argue do not let your hearts get distant, Do not say words that distance each other more, Or else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return. They may end up in divorce courts, for instance.

SPIRTUAL/ JOURNAL/DATING: SINCE TWO PEOPLE DON'T DEPEND ON EACH OTHER, THEY CAN FOCUS ON GIVING INSTEAD OF GETTING

Ignorance is bliss… Why does intelligence seem to hinder attractiveness up to a certain level? At first it would seem logical to assume that since smarter people are better thinkers, the Law of Attraction must make them more spiritually attractive, but I think that the truth is a more subtle.

As intelligence increases, the ability to question also increases. People with above average intelligence tend to question themselves more which erodes their confidence at the subconscious level.

The Law of Attraction works when the mind’s thoughts and feelings are focused on one outcome. If you are constantly questioning yourself, you are confusing your subconscious with mixed signals.

Can you see how ignorance might really be bliss? A blissfully ignorant person doesn’t question themselves all the time and has the advantage of remaining focused on their goal.

The most attractive people of all have learned not to question themselves. They have great confidence in their intelligence and spiritual attractiveness.

The Harder you Try… It seems counterintuitive to think that trying hard might actually hurt your chances of getting something that you want, but let’s examine it on the subconscious level. Just like trying to find an answer to a problem, trying really hard in dating reinforces the fact to your subconscious that you don’t have what you want. As your subconscious keeps getting messages that you don’t have what you want, the Law of Attraction brings you more of what your subconscious is thinking and feeling.

The same principle applies to excessive feelings of want. The more you want something, the more desperate you are to get it. Desperation, by Law of Attraction, breeds more desperation and less of what you want.

The paradox, of course, is that it’s easier to get something that you don’t want than something you want badly. This concept is well known by master negotiators. The side that can walk away from the deal because they have options has the power.

This may sound unromantic or inhuman. You’re probably thinking “it’s no fun to not want anything!” In response, I don’t think that the Law of Attraction is telling us not to want anything, but instead to control our feelings of excessive want. Desire is natural and human, but desperation is a sign of unbalance.

Feast or Famine… The subtleties of the Law of Attraction can help to explain this phenomenon. If you are in a “dry spell” because you haven’t had a date in awhile, you are subconsciously confirming feelings of loneliness. As your subconscious feels alone, the Law of Attraction brings you more of it.

As soon as you get a date, your subconscious feels great! Your confidence comes back and the Law of Attraction makes you more attractive.

The real lesson of all of this is to develop yourself from the inside until you love yourself enough that your confidence and self-assurance shines through from your subconscious so that all the world can see.

The most attractive people of all are extremely secure and at ease with themselves. Once you are so comfortable with yourself that you don’t need anyone else to make you happy, the Law of Attraction will bring you what you have wanted all along.

I am not talking about arrogance, conceit, or egotism because all of these paradigms come from insecurity. Insecure people tend to hide behind facades of pretend confidence.

The fake confidence approach might work in the short run, but since it is built on a lie, it eventually collapses. People with fake confidence tend to attract insecure partners. This, of course, is the recipe for a bad relationship filled with jealousy and mistrust.

Secure people tend to attract partners who are also secure. A relationship between two people who trust not only themselves, but each other, is a thing of beauty! Ironically, the happiest relationships in the world are between two people who are happy with themselves.

Since the two people don’t depend on each other, they can focus on giving instead of getting. Since they don’t need each other to make them happy, they can focus on making each other even happier. Since they trust that they would be okay without the other, they are free to trust the relationship.

Developing true security and self-love takes a lot of work. You have to spend a lot of time getting to know yourself before you can start to build this level of self-trust. The path is difficult, but the rewards are invaluable. Not only will you be more attractive, but your power will expand until the world is at your fingertips.

JOURNAL/DATING: DATING COURTSHIP

Dating. Courtship. I never understood what those words meant because I’ve never seen a need for these rituals in my life. To date someone involves a certain kind of caution and certainty-seeking that I don’t have the patience for; I believe that the only way you can ever be sure of how the other sees you is by jumping in with your eyes closed. My idea of getting into relationships involves talking nonstop until both parties have fallen in love with each other, enough to want to be an item. The dating stage of my three serious relationships were pretty much whirlwind romance types that lasted less than a month; after realizing that, “You like/love me. I like/love you. Let’s be together!”, we’d officially take ourselves off the market. No dinner dates, no flowers, no dramatic displays of love

VIDEO: Picking Up Girls In A Fat Suit

PERSONAL: WHERE IS THE ONE, I LOVE THE MOST?

Where is the one, I love the most? When will she touch my heart...And tell me things I need to hear. Where will we meet, somewhere in time? When will she notice me...and realize, I am here. Though we're apart, not near but far.I feel that I could reach you there...and let you feel I'm sincere. Show me that you're for real.Love me true, take my heart and keep it safe... make it pure.and you'll find happiness within. Happiness, a word that is so true- All because of you.Love, a word that guides me towards... forever- All because you have kept me together. You have become the love of my life, And I know that you'll be here for me Through sorrow, happiness and stress. To see you again makes me happier than I have ever been.To feel your arms around me, with love, Makes me see that you officially hold the key. That means everything to me. The key to my heart is now in your hands, And it is up to you to satisfy its demands. The wait is over and together our love is stronger than ever and now we can be together forever. Forever is to be spent in each other;s arms and our love will never do us wrong. With you coming... my life. It is now complete and our happiness and our love  will never decrease....You're every breath of air I take. You're every sigh and move I make. You're everything I do and I do it all.. for you. You're the shadow within my soul.You're my fantasy come true and, I want to be with you. More than anybody before. If it was a song. I would sing it to you softly every night. If it was a book. I would read you story after story, until you were sure you'd sleep tight. If it was a poem. I would make every word rhyme,  until I was absolutely sure there was no more time.But it's not It's only my love. Mine to give to you, to do with what you please. Because I love you 

JOURNAL: BOOK THAT CHANGED MY LIFE

Every so often there come along books that provide deeply profound and life changing wisdom. Here are books that changed my life:

1-Conversations with God
I personally consider this book, the book that has helped me remember who I really am, why I am here and the greater purpose of it all. I owe it to this book as to why I am where I am in my life today. It was just the spark I needed to ignite a great fire within me. A fire to seek the truth, to question, to understand and to expand on both the spiritual and physical entity that I am.

How this book came to me is a whole other story, but believe you me when I say that, for it actually “came to me” in a very odd set of circumstances.It was not easy to read/hear this book at first. To tell you the truth is was  even a bit uncomfortable at times, for it made me question things that I never dared question before. It made me think, like I never dared think before. And it made me open myself up to a whole new world of possibilities.

This meant I had to leave the safe space of comfort and of all that I knew and believed up to that point. I did not have to accept anything that the book said, but my soul told me otherwise. No matter how uncomfortable the feeling was at times, as this transformation was taking place within me, somewhere in there my soul was rejoicing. Somewhere inside of me, I knew I was coming into being, who I really was and am today.

For those of you not yet familiar with Neale Donald Walsch , in the early 1990′s, Neale was at the lowest time in his life. He lived as a homeless person for about a year. He lost his family, his job and even had a car accident that left him seriously hurt.

It was then that Neale got really angry, as to why he was “dealt” this fate by God. Nothing seemed to go right in his life, which was nothing but one struggle after another. Neale asked about why all this was happening to him, and to his surprise, God responded. What came out of this was a set of 9 books that Neale wrote as “Conversations With God” over an 11 year period.