POETRY: HOPELESSLY DEVOTED TO YOU

The stars in her eyes dance like wild fire.
Her hair long and soft.
Her lips are soft as rose petals.
Where does this beauty come from
besides my dreams?


2

As the years go by, I've wished...
                   I look for you everywhere.
                   Around all the street corners
                   Through all the shop windows.

                   Love is all around me
                   Everybody is finding it.
                   And I sit here all alone
                   Just waiting for my chance.

                   When I finally find you
                   I will embrace the love.
                   I will never let you go
                   For you are my soul mate.

                   I know my turn will come
                   For now, I spend my nights alone.
                   You will be only in my dreams
                   Forever-until you come.




3

Play my life
Make my longing music
Sweep your bow across the strings of my being
Give song to my soul again
You play so effortlessly
Studied and patient
Your hands are sure, I sing without reservation
Sharing this music with you
My life flowing through this and you
An endless symphony only you can hear
You compose me, everything I am
I listen for you carefully
You create what you will with my life
And your love

     

4

dly I was thinking
About what to get for you
To get the greatest gift I could
Around the time of yule

I thought of getting regular stuff
Like flowers and chocolates and things
And then I thought of extraordinary stuff
Like emeralds or diamond rings.

Then I thought of the perfect gift
Though you'll probably thnk it's cliche
I'm sure you've heard it a million times
But I'll tell it to you anyway

I'd hang the moon for you to have
I swear this is no lie
And I will also get for you
Every star that's in the sky

And then I'll gather all the clouds
And shape them all into one
And then I'll reach into the sky
To give to you the sun

The moon, the stars, the clouds, the sun
All parts of heaven it's true
But heaven came down to Earth
When it took the form of you

I thought it would be the perfect gift
To reunite you all again
I hope that it will show
How much I love you,


5

Sometimes
Women remind me of the sun...
As I bask in their warmth, in their comforting glow.

Sometimes
Women remind me of overcast skies...
mysteries veiled unto themselves, not knowing what form
 they will take next.

Sometimes
Women remind me of a light breeze...
Refreshing as it washes over my body. It carries me away,
makes me soar. I feel I can do no wrong.

Sometimes
Women remind me of a tornado...
Randomly scattering my emotions wherever it chooses to do so.

Sometimes
Women remind me of a summer rain...
Nourishing me, seeping deep into my pores.

To me, women can change as easily as the weather.
One day, I hope to feel a gentle breeze and nice summer rain
 against my body,
Leaving a stunning rainbow inside my heart.



6

A certain time, a certain place,
Hey wait a sec I know that face.
I sat alone one day and she came to me,
this beautiful person that I know to be.
A mysterious girl I briefly met one night,
who would take me away on some crazy flight.
Thru things that I`ve hardly embraced,
things it would be a shame for one not to taste.
Though I`m unsure of the path I take,
because of hurtful things before I tried to make.
But now here you are with my heart in your hand,
I have yours too, that I understand.
As long as we`re careful not to stumble and fall,
I know mine's in good hands, and I shouldn`t worry at all.
But I know all too well that things can hurt bad,
and now that I`m not around you, you know I am sad.
For the times spent together you should know are cherished by me,
I hope you know how much I care, I hope that this you can see,
that I`m not going anywhere, I like things the way they be.
So here I write a mushy poem early in the morning,
I sincerely hope that it isn`t too boring.
I feel really stupid but I`ll send it anyway,
`cause I hope in this thing we have that you will stay.
I`ll go to bed now and I`ll be thinking of you,
I wonder now if you did the same about me too.


7


Fiery tears stain your face
Reappearing in wine finger fashion.
Next to me your body, like warm wild honey
Woven together in your irresistable embrace.
Your mouth, a delicately petaled flower
Breathing in the winds of an Indian Summer.
I again ponder winter's silent song
Now ablaze in a robust bloom.
Spring in all its glory
Sights set, your words a jadeite saber.
At ready to pierce my heart
Your eyes sparkle with stardust.
Orbed beauty viewed in heavenly colors
Of sapphire, violet, and indigo hues.
This garden of earthly delights
This Life
This Love
This You.


8

Loss, in a river of longings.
In the pool of moments
I once belonged.
Oceans of remembrance
produced rainfall of tears,
For your presence
I seem to have lost.

These hide and seek
games and gimmicks, love affairs;
Love on the run, tricks
you played with my mind,
Sank my heart...receding from
growth to decay, and
I lost direction from
pleasure to pain.

At last night's
love interlude
I witness our
penultimate solitude.
Like two opposite worlds
we went our separate ways
And my soul wept,
For I really loved you.


9

I  can't tell you how many times
your kisses have breathed life back into me,
how many times your kind words have saved me,

the sound of your voice
helped see me through dark places,
and your hugs squeezed life back into me.

The longer I love you, the longer I can't even imagine
how I ever got along without you.
I just wanted to say I love you so much.


10

She swore off love
To protect her mortal soul
Thinking nothing could hurt her
If she was so bold
She had experienced tragedy before
And wallowed in the pain
Agony and angst = love
With herself to blame
Now she is untouchable
Or so she seems to think
But her whole life changes
Within the time of a blink
Then she finds that person
Who seems to set her free
From the heartaches long before
That brought her to her knees
Now trust is an issue
She must learn to face
But she embraces all his efforts
With eternal grace
Had he not come into her life
GOD knows where she'd be


11

As the day creeps closer,
to finally being with you.
My nerves are going crazy,
I don?t know what to do.

My feelings are getting stronger,
with every breath I take.
When I sleep I dream of you,
I wish I would never wake.

When I finally wake up,
you are still on my mind.
You are the most perfect woman,
A truly extraordinary find.

After looking for years,
You were right in front of me.
I regret the time we lost,
The years I couldn?t see.

I wish I could give it back,
We could make up for lost time.
Those days are gone for us now,
But now our love is in its prime.

My heart is hopelessly devoted,
To the only woman I love true.
My whole heart is always yours.
I?m hopelessly devoted to you.


12

Sweet dreams that motivate the right decision
True vision that gives the right direction
Bright eyes that give clear vision...
Are lucid manifestations of your love.

A melodious voice that sends whispers of silence
An inferno of gladness quenches the fire of sadness
A garden of flowers that smells like expensive roses...
All solid perceptions of your love.

An ocean of emotions that stirs up the well of passion
A smooth heartbeat that restores the solitude of love
Perfect hope that beams bright, like snow...
Are durable conceptions of your love.

A gentle touch that leads to sweet surrender
Love kisses that generate sweet delight
Beaming light that creates sparkling eyes...
Are all perfect descriptions of your love.



13


It's easy to know
  you love someone,
  possibly,
  difficult to explain why,
  sometimes the right words
  won't come out,
  no matter how hard you try.

  Some people say
  your actions speak best and
  possibly,
  this could be true;
  but, I believe you'll do better,
  often telling her,
  "I love you".



14


This rose is a symbol of my love to you,
When I am not near.
When you are full of fear.
When you are sad.
When you are mad.

Pick up this rose and remember;
I love you with all my heart.
We will never be apart 'cause our souls have grown to one.
One that we will be for eternity!



15


He that loves easily gives up not,
But perseveres and hopes for a lasting change;
And, after realizing the truth can be found,
Pursues love til all is at hand.
He that loves has no reason to fear,
But believes and gives all within his power;
And, after giving love a lucid chance,
Knows that feeble love will finally disappear.
Yet, let no man be consumed by pride,
To feel he has the best of love to give.
He?s a fool, who thinks love will not prevail,
Over the moving force of tricks and games.
Strong love stands the test of time...
And survives the fierce turbulence of life.
When it?s thought that the end is in sight
With perseverance, love prevails at last.




16


From the silence I sense
Words slipping away
'Tween your heart's fray
And that of mine--
Into the silence.
Our eyes interlock
With conversation unheard,
Attentive to every movement,
Expressing what words
cannot grasp.
I reach for you;
I close my eyes,
And enjoy the warmth
Of your breath
On my face.
Our hearts keeping time
With His patience,
Yet racing ahead
To better days of life and love
And the Lord's own Beauty.
The deepest of sighs
And heartfelt bliss
Realized within a kiss,
And I hold you close
To my heart's rhythm.


17

Is it possible to exhale a tolerable amount of relief?
I wanted for so long to prolong,
THIS LOVE FASCINATION.
Time waits for no one,
but I still sit in anticipation.
Your presence is my ground for which I touch base.
Reality is so blunt,
blatent and obvious.
But the longing of confidence and desire are acute.
I can't seem to cover myself if with this mask of negativity.
With every downfall I become even further of an apparition.
There's more than I expected in life,
So help me continue on.
This is an aspect that is not quite apparent
Your absence compels me to endeavor what we can acquire.
Every glance of you encourages me to embrace every second
of love I can recieve.
Although we don't always come to terms,
we comprehend each other.
Since at this moment I can't have You...

         I DESIRE YOUR PRESENCE


18

I know we've never met,
But one day we certainly will.
We'll gaze into each other's eyes,
As the world seems to stand still.

The first time we talk it will seem,
As if we knew each other a lifetime.
Up my ladder of love,
You will surely climb.

So I thank you in advance,
For the new life you'll bring me.
For the love you'll teach me,
And the gorgeous couple we'll be.

For the kids we'll have,
And the memories we'll share,
Especially for always letting me know,
In my time of need, you're there.

When I call out your name,
You'll stand right by my side.
Always keeping your arms,
Warm, loving, and wide.

JOURNAL

The words of Marie Curie — “Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.” It reminds me of a Star Trek epsiode as well.

God...another weeks has pass. I am trying to control my thoughts instead of going auto pilot. My mental motto is "Thank You God". I know you are talking to me through other people, movies, and books. I am trying to listen. I want to thank you for
-gas in my car
-my job
-my parents
-my sister
-heat in my house
-a working car
-my health
-having food in the car
-savings in the bank
-my house

LOVE LETTER: MY MIND AIMLESSLY DRIFT TO YOU

As the day wears on my mind aimlessly drifts amid the endless possibilities of its end. I think of holding you closely as to never let go. I see the smile that makes its way onto your face and the gleam that sparkles in your eye as I softly whisper I love you. I think of you with every passing minute as if were the last. As day's end draws near, I think endlessly of you.

The yearning inside me to fulfill your every fantasy explodes in rage and yet is subtle and subdued in your presence.

The way my heart falls when I imagine your touch humbles me as I am reminded that only a man. The long nights warm, yet peaceful, linger as if to haunt me of my own desire. Patiently my desire holds as fantasy takes over my mind.

I place you amongst the clearest of silk white skies and a warm, yet gentle summer night breeze blows thru the windswept corridors in a picture perfect Victorian setting. Carelessly are they, the dream cast shades of white that drape atop the windows. Dancing seamlessly through the shadows as if orchestrated by the wind and time its conductor. Your silhouette is dreamlike, cascading across the memories that once inhabited this room. Gracefully as you make your way, this beautiful setting comes alive with passion. Almost with your every breath, time and all that surround us hang hopelessly awaiting. Shadows of iridescent light linger as if they had waited an eternity for this night to dance around you. Every element indescribable, how do such beautiful sights go unnoticed, for they cast themselves onto me as if they will never be forgotten.

My pace seamlessly lends confidence, as I closer myself to my every dream. Only to be humbled once again with one glimpse of the beauty that stands before me. You appear unattainable yet so very approachable, all attempts to forward myself halt. I stare in awe of this scene before me, as if written by Shakespeare only to be lost in the folds of time, to be revealed as if preserved for a lifetime awaiting only my arrival.

Gently my fingers lay onto yours and release a since of being indescribable, passion ignites in my eyes as they look deeply into your soul searching for the hidden desires they yearn to unleash from within. Feelings explode from the depths of your love only to be overcome by the softness of my voice and the softness of my lips as they come to rest with yours. Deeply again I look into your soul of adoration you hold for me. So gently my lips wet themselves as fingers make there way slowly and deliberately tracing the silhouette that longs for my touch. Shudders I feel from within your body speak volumes as you feel my love arise. Passionately I touch you, allowing my lips to gently fall from your lips to your neck. The warmth of my breath as it passes gently over your ear resounds deeply as it heightens in desire as images of taboo race through my mind.

Decisively and abruptly I walk you towards the dimly lit throw, confined are the deeply embedded feelings of lust that lay untamed within for me to bare. As time begins its decent from thought, I bare witness to the beauty you behold before me. Intrusting me your love, I slowly draw you down to your back as my lips again find themselves resting on yours. Shaking and nimble as if I, the artist wheeling the tools of unspoken desire, lay in front of me the Mona Lisa untainted and pure to the world. I slowly pull my lips away from yours as my eyes see yours open very nearly as to see new light for the first time. I gently allow my body to lie atop yours releasing my inhibitions as I feel you give yourself to me completely. The warm summer night breeze gently crosses over your skin now bare bringing with it a memory that will forever last and not be forgotten. Fingertips hypnotically trace over your every contour leaving nothing unexplored. My lips follow as your back arches, pushing your chest to me as my teeth close gently yet firmly on your breast. My tongue slowly, passionately and with the greatest of detail begins its journey to taste this beautiful woman that lie beneath me. My eyes not leaving the desire I find in yours invite them as well to follow. Very slowly I make way towards the most forbidden of all your love. As I near, your shudders rise to convulsing erratically.

Submissively your hands fall to follow the path I have chosen to your love. Hesitantly your fingers make there way thru my hair as I feel your body wanting more. Teasingly my tongue has come to trace its way along what will bring every bit of woman inside you to show itself. What had once quietly and discreetly passed its way over your delicate lips turns much more abruptly from the soft murmurs what had started, now to echo lightly through out the room. Your fingers grasp tightly to a handful each of my hair as you pull me closer to you, your body heaving uncontrollably as this agonizing look of ecstasy made its way onto your face. Just as I had pictured so many times every fiber of your being was invaded and taken over by my love. As you feel this building inside you a look of considerable fear steadily made its way onto your face. I looked again softly into your eyes assuring you that no harm would makes it way to you. I watched your eyes as they roll back, flickering steadily.

This feeling of something uncontrollable happening inside you begins to fall in waves, one on top of the other seamlessly as my tongue delved quickly into what had been until now, untouched. My hands on either side of you grasp firmly as to assure that feeling of safe has not been since lost. A woman this way comes now, my tongue makes it way from the bottom to the top just grazing the top of your skin coming abruptly to a halt underneath the swollen hood that so readily awaits the attention it will so deliberately receive. I place my hands one underneath each of your knees in wait that the ecstasy will begin to dissipate. Your convulsions have settled to shudders, unaware what lies in store you feel your knees move upward and apart. More openly your body than you felt comfortable, I allowed you no chance to respond as I began to instill a feeling inside of you, one in which would completely take over your body and render you momentarily helpless.

Flat my tongue lay against what soon it what part, the tip of it enticingly teased you making you cry out. Slowly the tip of my tongue curled its way to part your love, it made its way inside you at an almost evil and teasingly rate. Deliberately I taste every inch of you as this uncontrollable urge to explode from within has made its way up from your feet to the pit of stomach. So very badly do you want to tell me to stop yet coherency has long since vanished as my tongue continuously curl's its way up to the swollen womanhood that now lie within unprotected.

Letting my hands gently make there way down what has now become your very rigid and stiff legs, the tip of my tongue finally comes to rest where it diligently brings you time and again. I slowly drag one finger up from your backside very gently to meet with my tongue, it parts you and easily makes it way inside to explore you. Your body heaves and convulses as I easily but firmly withdraw my tongue and bite down on the swollen hood that graciously welcomed the though of my tongue gently massaging it. As my eyes rise again to your eye level, torment begins to show on your face contort thru many violent orgasms ripping thru your entire body.

I now lay beside you gently running my fingers up and down your love slower and slower until you subdue enough to come to. Spent you lay as if oblivious to the world around you, as if to start anew. Unaware as to time and place, you begin to come to slowly. What had just taken place begins to replay thru your mind and you begin to shake again as I rest my hand upon yours reassuringly of my love and the trust you confide in me.

As I lay next to you lost in your beauty and innocence, the images again dance thru my mind leaving behind the most insatiable fantasies but very taboo. The look of pure ecstasy contorts your face as I take you very demandingly time and again I bring you just far enough to keep you there helplessly yearning for me to bring you again.

Your eyes I catch watching me as my mind aimlessly wonders off again searching to renew lost memories of you. As we lay staring into each other's eyes, without a word one being spoken, we share the most private and intimate moment two people can share. Seductively you breathe as if the thought of my touch alone had swept you away. Your eyes speak unheard words, leading me into a fantasyland of constant and forbidden lust. My body longs for the softness of your touch as firm my love grows to be. My mind begins to race seductively with lust filled fantasies of taking you at my every whim. Again with no avail my eyes lock onto yours and they begin seduce me. I find myself all to often lost in fantasies having touch you a certain way only to have you submissively give yourself to me in everyway I want you. Impatiently I rise to my knees above you, carefully straddling one leg over the top of you sitting just inches off your chest and arms penned out and away from anything you can grasp. Somewhat surprised yet anxious your eyes watched me as to see what would come of this situation, then revealing itself to you the look of pure unadulterated lust and desire making its way onto my face brought a most uncertain look of despair to follow upon yours.

My look directly into your eyes with absolutely no expression, as my lips neared yours with every passing second brought the fear of the unknown to the surface and quickly. You act coy as if to say you can have me, maybe. I leaned completely down to you not allowing time for words to escaped your lips and buried my tongue into your mouth with such passion and desire that I put you in a daze. Still bound, your arms beneath my knees you struggle to free yourself yet to no avail. You realize now the intentions I have, I am going to take you right here, right now. As you watch helplessly I bound your arms away and above your head very securely with little or no movement left at all. Quickly I turn myself facing opposite of your arms and proceed to insure that your feet are bound just as securely. I slowly turn once more to face the most uncertain look on your face and I thought I was going explode from within I was so turned on by you bound, laying there helpless yet submissively. Suddenly the softness and seriousness of the words you spoke snapped me out of this dark fantasy I was fulfilling. As your soft and gentle voice registered flowing seamlessly as if there was never a doubt in your trust in me, the problem registered as well. I cut the bounds that hold your arms so securely in place, bound again your arms beneath my knees as I look to again tie them down this time leaving some room where as not to hurt you. I have bound your arms again this time knowing you have no recourse you anxiously watch my every move.

Seeing you bound helplessly with little covering your body, blood rushes areas in parts of my body that alone will take me over the edge. Careful as to get directly into your line site I stand there and slowly take my shirt off. I take my time teasing your eyes yet leaving much to your imagination as to what lie ahead for you. My clothes completely removed, my excitement abounds unable to hide even with the thick material that I had just removed. My fingers graze from the top of my shoulder down across my chest as I stand directly over you. Slowly I turn to the end of the throw where a chair sits alone. I bring the chair up to sit next to you, just out of what little reach you do have, I casually sit in the manor I usually do as I watch your body yearn for my love. I stare across the picturesque setting with every inch of me wanting to take you right now.

You are impatient not knowing what I am going to and start to get restless and jittery so I pull my chair to where the end seat hits you eye level and slowly work my way back into the chair. My knees I spread upward and away from myself revealing all of my love as it throbs with blood pulsing heavily thru veins the width of a dime from top to bottom. My hand slides down and past my waistline slowly and the anticipation of what I am about to do sends shivers through body enough to cause an uncontrollable convulsion as your back starts to arch slowly then releases it self again. My fingers slowly tease each of us purposely and deliberately just grazing enough of the top of my skin to cause chills to visibly shoot thru my entire body. Your eyes mock the movement of my hand as slowly my fingertips I allow to graze gently across the thickness and length the likes of which you haven't seen in a very long time. As my fingertips teasingly graze across the head of my love and looking as though it is about to burst, my hand slowly opens to sheathe it as my fingers deliberately work there way inch by inch slowly to the base. I then allow my fingers to grip firmly the base of what is soon to be felt inside you. What will be responsible for making you feel like the woman you are and the woman that only my love will find and bring you many times to know.

PERSONAL/JOURNAL: I STILL WANT TO FALL IN LOVE

I never thought this whole process would be so hard. You can guess my chagrin when I refer to marriage as a "process". Growing up on heavy doses of romantic movies, There were dreams of finding someone amid picturesque hills and valleys. Unfortunately, in the frantic bid to establish a career and standing on my own feet, a lot of my dreams have met the Grim Reaper; and one of those is that of meeting someone who will steal my heart away, right under my nose. The truth is, between an excrutiatingly busy career and a non existent social life, it has been impossible to meet someone. That is not to say, I have not tried the dating sites promise to find you the "one", but I think most of them are mirages that serve best to keep my hopes of finding a life partner alive but have so far not given me any tangible results.

I used to think finding love would be an easy thing. Think about it. I am a  attractive,  good health, well educated.. a doctor, have a house, car, and a great family.  A lot of girls would love to marry me. Well, I was so wrong. I had the fatally wrong notion that in the  I could snap my fingers and get the girl I want. Anyways, years ago, I gave in to the pressure of my loneiness and got married and realized she never really did love me. I won't ever settle again.

I think it's important to find love. I can't imagine what will replace not doing that, because I've done everything else I've wanted to. I think it's the sense of belonging I hanker after. I finally got to the point where I began to get at least a basic understanding of who I myself am and and the forces that made me what I am, I finally had the experience of meeting someone I loved purely for herself and not through the distorting mirror of my own psyche. For a variety of practical reasons it couldn't last long, but I remember one day in particular when we took a long walk by a river, when I had an overwhelming feeling of completeness, as though I had finally managed to accomplish something Nature had programmed me to do. And I felt very grateful for that experience, in many ways it didn't seem to matter how long it lasted, just to have had that day was everything.

I see lots of ads  where people describe in detail the type of partner they think they are looking for, it makes me sad because when you really love someone it's always a surprise. It could be anyone. For example....my best female friend (total babe) is married to an "ugly" bloke she disliked for weeks when they met at work, would never have dated him but then she left her long term boyfriend to be with him after they got closer and closer. As she said "I started having feelings for him and told myself not to be stupid...he's no Brad Pitt..." So she went from "Yuk" to "He's a good friend - he's alright" to "I really want to have sex with him" to "I want this man to be the one I spend the rest of my life with " in the space of 6 months.


The woman who do respond to me...it seem ... want more pictures...want to met up ASAP without even knowing anything about me...the person inside. They don't care about anything else except for Chemistry. You either have it or not. And I believe that real love takes time...you can't just know with one meeting, but you shouldn't be wasting peoples' times if your heart is close. Love is a choice. You choose to love someone when you're ready for a mature commitment, you want to build a family, and you want to grow together with someone you're compatible with (intellectually, sexually, spiritually, etc.) You get to a point in life when you want and desire a true, deep, meaningful, monogamous relationship that exceeds superficial fantasies. Deep within all of us (or at least I believe so) is an innate hunger to become entangled physically, emotionally, and spiritually with the one person you have decided to unite with in marriage even when all hell feels like is swirling around you.

I do believe in the term the "one". The one emphasizes you are the one I choose to dedicate myself to even when I sometimes feel like there could have been another one. Love/marriage exists when we can honestly say, I don't feel like loving you but I choose to because you are the one I choose to love. Maybe we have some instinct the kick in to tell us, this person is the right one. Maybe the instinct comes from life lessons from our parents or some other life lesson from whoever. And when we make that decision based on our heart, mind, and instinct, we open up and hopefully the other person is equally open to the love. We feel somewhat sure that this person is the one, no one can tell us different (if it's not the one, we have to find that out somehow). If it don't work we feel bad about it, lick our wounds, and start over again. If it does work, we act right and hope the other wants to act right too


 I want to meet someone.

Those five words lingered in my head, even as I tried to ignore that they were there. I distracted myself with thoughts of other things and by making to-do lists in my head. I pretended this desire wasn’t bubbling beneath me. couldn’t stop the message my heart sent to my mind.

I want to meet someone.Though powerful and constant — it’s not a helpless feeling or a dissatisfied longing. It’s different than it was years ago. I don’t feel like something is missing or part of me is still void — I’m not lusting after every woman. I feel no rush and no pressure, no need to speed along a road that I’m not sure how to navigate yet. I don’t believe it’s impossible to find happiness and I do believe I’m meant for a marriage– and still. Still – after (many) failed relationships, and one failed marriage I still want it.

I still want to fall in love.

But the craving has changed. It’s not wistful and romantic (well, only a little). I’m not looking to be completed. I’m not hoping to make a married woman out of a woman doesn’t even know how to love, is selfish or is totally emotionally unavailable. I’m not making myself something I’m not so I can be granted the so-called coveted title of boyfriend to just get sex

Instead– I want to meet someone… like me?

Someone with a heart that often feels too big for her chest. Someone who can see the good – the possible — in every part of her life, and especially with me. With us. Someone who captivates me, pulls me close and lets me fly. I want to meet someone who accepts herself and does what she can to understand the world. Someone who likes to read and run, travel and learn — explore and make mistakes, dream and slow down. Someone who makes me want to be a better me and be part of a better we than she has before. I want to meet someone who knows how to love– who wants love– who may be afraid of it, but tries it anyway. Who knows how important it is. Someone who has goals for herself and plans she will break for the right thing, the right person, the right place – the right time. Someone who is happy with the someone and the something and the somewhere she is.

I want to meet someone who likes the way the world rests on Sundays and how it’s the perfect day to wake up late, make love and eat pancakes. Someone who wants a family just as much as they want an amazing, fulfilling career, and knows you’ll never be able to be perfect at either. I want to meet who has her act together like I do. Someone who wants to try new things but also likes to be a regular at places she can’t and won’t stop going to. Someone who knows how to kiss h and knows that love isn’t always enough– but it’s always worth whatever it brings or makes you learn.

I want to meet someone who challenges me and yet, makes me feel comfortable in my sweat pants, without any hesitations. Someone who wants to know what I know, who wants to see the town I grew up in. Who can’t wait to be friends with my sisters and or go on a walk with my mom. Someone who comes from a place I admire and has a laugh I long to hear. Touch I want to feel. I want to meet someone who is strong enough to stand next to me and sweet enough to let me fall into her when I need it. Or even when I don’t, but want it. Someone who remembers the things I say and can hear the things I don’t, someone who will be there today, tomorrow – always. I want to meet someone who wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but here, with me.

I want to meet someone.

Someone out there in this big world, living on some street I’ve crossed a million times, taking some train at the same time, thinking about when she would meet… someone like me.

JOURNAL: STOP CHASING SEX

I wasn't always after having sex on the first date. After the relationship with Melissa....something changed in me. I was in a loveless relationship and I stayed because of the sex. Melissa..stop loving me...but kept coming back. Why did I let her ruin me? or rather ..why did I let myself change to something I don't like.

Maria..did love me.

My wife didn't

I don't want to be used....or rejected. So many woman are just not nice at all. They have this sense of entitlement.

I've come to the conclusion that we are all damaged during our childhood in some way. But to blame our parents...only keeps us as victims.

I finally understand now..when my mom kept telling me that family is so important when you get married. You don't only marry the person but you are marrying your partners' family...and all their friends, and entire past life. I thought she was just trying to scar me, but when you think about it. Your world looks and feels a certain way. Then you met and fall in love with someone whole world looks and feels completely different from yours. In the beginning that doesn't matter because the physical sensation of being in love is so great....but then all of sudden, you realize what your partner is the way they are by their family.

It so stupid to think..that if I had this certain person...my life would be great or complete.You should be complete without them.

I guess I didn't love myself enough to leave Melissa, to leave my ex-wife when I knew from their action..they didn't love me. I stayed because I didn't want to be alone....I didn't like being with myself...or maybe that I won't be able to handle life on my own. I didn't think I could handle a house on my own...but I am. I didn't think I can handle problems on my own. My biggest fear is losing everything...my family, my house..my health...and being homeless. It that stupid voice of the ego...that voice that tells me I am ugly..I am nothing. Why do I listen to it? a stupid little voice in my head that tells me....whatever i do..isn't good enough. When I think about it...i probably have had that little voice..my whole life.

It seem that the feeling of fear seem to creep into my life more often than the feeling of love....I need to face it...

"Hello fear...nice to meet you..i am confident in my ability here, so I don't need what you are selling me today."

SPIRITUAL : THE GREATEST HUNGER

The universe unfolds to itself, bringing to bear any cause that needs to be included. Don’t take this process personally. The working out of cause and effect is eternal. You are part of this rising and falling that never ends, and only by riding the wave can you ensure that the waves don’t drown you. The ego takes everything personally, leaving no room for higher guidance or purpose. If you can, realize that a cosmic plan is unfolding and appreciate the incredibly woven tapestry for what it is, a design of unparalleled marvel

The greatest hunger in life is not for food, money, success, status, security, sex, or even love from the opposite sex. Time and again people have achieved all these things and wound up still feeling dissatisfied- indeed, often more dissatisfied than when they began. The deepest hunger in life is a secret that is revealed only when a person is willing to unlock a hidden part of the self. In the ancient traditions of wisdom, this quest has been likened to diving for the most precious pearl in existence, a poetic way of saying that you have to swim far out beyond shallow waters, plunge deep into yourself, and search patiently until the pearl beyond price is found. The pearl is also called essence, the breath of god, the water of life…labels for what we, in our more prosaic scientific age, would simply call TRANSFORMATION

JOURNAL

I need to start working my body again.

-I do 30 min daily on my tendmill in my bedroom
-I use a back strap to keep my back straight

Need to do:
-push up and sit up daily.
-weights

THOUGHTS: DOES FOREVER MEAN FOR ALL ETERNITY

does forever mean for all eternity to most, or just for a while? i have been trying to make sense of my species for such a long time that i find too many differeneces in myself from them. like i hold to my promises and i dont lie, and i am not fake or material. ive decided that i, my love and my friends will always be the sub-species of intelligencia, not just sub-par humans. lol maybe thats a it over board, but back to the subject at hand -

so when i say forever, i mean until no blood runs in my veins and my fleshly body grows cold with death and my soul is no longer on this dreadful plane, and beyond. what does forever mean to you? if as just fleshly beings, we step back and add our oath to our words, then things would be a lot better in our world. ::again i go into mega-preaching-hippie-mode, look out ::

things would get done, less people would suffer and our race would be truer and finer. forever would mean my definition to everyone else on our planet, the perilously surviving third rock from the sun. so before you say forever, think if you mean it - only thr truest of declarations should emit from your mouth.

THOUGHTS: STOP THINKING YOU NEED PEOPLE

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels, find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. How do you find her? Forget your head and listen to your heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. The truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. 

Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them

Eat the damn chocolate cake, get your hair wet, love someone, dance in those muddy puddles, tell someone off, draw a picture with crayons like you're still 6 years old and then give it to someone who is very important to you. Take a nap, go on vacation, do a cartwheel, make your own recipe, dance like no one sees you, paint each nail a different color, take a bubble bath, laugh at a corny joke. Get on that table and dance, pick strawberries, take a jog, plant a garden, make an ugly shirt and wear it all day. Learn a new language, write a song, date someone you wouldn't usually go for, make a scrap book, go on a picnic, relax in the sun, make your own home video, kiss the un-kissed, hug the un-hugged, love the unloved, and live your life to the fullest. So at the end of the day, you'll have no regrets, no sorrows, no disappointments.


I think I've loved every person I've ever known. I think that there's something in every single individual that can compliment you or can contrast you in the worst way possible. But after you've met someone, someone who drives you crazy, who you can argue with, someone whose littlest habits are enough to make you swoon, you'll know it's love


That's what life is about. Those moments when you feel entirely carefree, like nothing can touch you. It's those moments that make the hard parts so worth it. It's moments like that that make this heartache bearable. I know it'll pass - my moments will come.
At this age, everything is changing. Day by day we don’t notice, but just look back over the past year and you will realize everything has. People you thought were going to be there forever, aren’t, and people you never imagined you’d be speaking to are now some of your closest friends. Life makes little sense, and the more we grow the less sense it will make. So make the most of it now, before it all changes once again, because in the near future, all of this is only going to be memories.


Stop thinking you need people - get it out of your head. Just live your life, beautifully. Make yourself happy because you're never promised that you'll find someone who can do that for you. & even if you do find that person - you could loose them. Stop depending on anyone else in your life to determine your happiness and start looking in the mirror at the most important one. Just be patient, & in time you'll come across someone that feels right - & without even knowing it you will have picked someone who compliments you, rather than trying to find someone who completes you


No one has the right to tell you who you are & control your life, cause it's yours. Your life is meant to be lived by no one else but yourself. We sometimes let people get the best of us, destroy us & change our opinions on what we believe is true. Only you know what is right for yourself, you have the power, you make the choices & learn. Each experience we go through in life is a lesson to be learned. We all make mistakes, why is it so hard for some to understand? No one should be judged by the mistakes they have made. It's past news. Everything happens for a reason & without the hard times, how would we ever realize our true strength? It's only through a time of suffering when we realize how strong we truly are inside, when we realize how much we can actually put up with & deal with before we eventually break.

Sometimes we're too into the moment to look at the big picture. We fail to see things in perspective because we're too absorbed in what's taking place at that very instant. The thing is we should face reality. Find ourselves from being lost in the moment and think about everything the way that it is. Because sometimes being realistic can save us from pain and disappointment.

THOUGHTS:

Sometimes it is so. The skin takes possession of objects. The light hurts the eyes and runs away from the Sun because it comes with memories and memorabilia that now want saved. Life overlies the dreams and your feet stick to the floor so that your body is inert. Cholera comes to intensity of longing. Since there are so many moments in which they are partners. 

 The light of day when the sun rises languishes. Evenings give rise to wakefulness and eyes even closed eyelids as they sail in search of some output and some lucidity. Not dreams, not nightmares but thoughts and memories. Surrendered to fatigue commit my spirit. I go to distant stops. I smell, see faces and tall buildings, historical monuments, hear laughter and admire looks ripped peace. The rain is drizzling but still oferto her face. I knew at that moment was to save my memory. And I was not wrong.


 The sun stood through the clouds. Woke me. I opened some windows and offered the melodies of Nina Simone to air the house. Today I have not done anything except hear. Catch a phrase here and there and compose a poem crooning. It is, without a doubt, my favorite singer. I imagine her on stage, singing, playing the piano, smoking, your charm. I close my eyes and quickly put myself in that environment. It was where I felt like being. Far away, in another life, in another country, another year, another story and another skin.

 Only a shell with hints of lucidity, when loneliness takes hold of his not breathe. In the midst of such madness and dementia are both rip some of perspicuity in the feet fly in search of the star that joins the line. These are the moments when the bodies come together in a hug or dance in which the gaze endlessly into the soul without feeling the least invasion. The other, the moments of madness and alienation are what allow the loneliness take hold of the body and sink into the deepest trench in which memories are neither comfort of mind. The body rooted moments of distress perpetuates the irons of a torn womb looking just a little heat. Lap. Or a breathing present.


 Always upward. It's the only way. It may even have endless curves but we can only go up. The climb can be filled with rocks and obstacles, but we can not face another alternative. It may even be our eyes and always a matter of perspective. It may even be an optical illusion but we have to face life as well. Even when expense. Even when no one sees the path, the more the slope of the land. The rise. Slowly and quietly. Without great aspirations to not have big disappointments. With small steps but firm and measured with dreams. One step at a time. A dream of time. A target at a time. In curves and obstacles forces are focusing and concentrating on ourselves and everything goes into place. Just be calm and tranquility. Haste is the enemy of perfection, and say it is perhaps because we hurry to reach the goals that we do not enjoy the way.


 Sit down here beside me and let me ask you if you saw the sun and it was wonderful when he lay on the horizon. Did you see? And if you saw the moon was so beautiful. Come, sit down here next to me and drink my coffee, even if you know it's dregs made a ritual of great affection and complicity. Talk to me. Tell me stories and endless things that fascinate me.Tell me what you think is done well or roast. Lend me your corner where I dive back in and smooth seas. 

LETTER

i read something that reminded me of you today...my future soulmate

“I want relations which are not purely personal, based on purely personal qualities; but relations based upon some unanimous accord in truth or belief, and a harmony of purpose, rather than of personality. I am weary of personality. Let us be easy and impersonal, not forever fingering over our own souls, and the souls of our acquaintances, but trying to create a new life, a new common life, a new complete tree of life from the roots that are within us.”
-Lawrence, D. H. 

I dont know what the author of this quote meant originally meant by this, but to me this meant that we should forever be growing. Remembering where we came from, and deeply imbedding our roots and creating life from a life we’ve created together.
That we shouldn’t be satisfied with being above the surface with one another or secluding ourselves from everyone we hold dear in our life. Rather lets be open to going out, being with our friends, and not becoming the couple that abandoned our friends because we couldn’t stand to be away from each other.
I want to have our own lives, but also have OUR OWN lives.
Together and Apart.
Yet remembering that at the end of the day, we’ll be in bed, happy and joyous over the life we’ve created together.
Love forever,
Your Future Husband.

JOURNAL: SANDY HURRICANE AND ELECTION

Dear God,

Thank you for having my power back. It been like almost two weeks without power.

My parent are living with me for the time being. Every morning I would wake up and head to the Village Park to take a shower and go to work. I would then spend time in the senior center with everyone else who don't have power. I met a few my Neighbors. 

My parents have two big holes in their room. It went right through my old room. One hole is right above where my head would be near my bed.

I didn't have work for 4 days last week. 

My sister and my father went to see my uncle who is ill.  My mom and I stayed because of lost power.

Election day ---I voted Republican straight across...but OBAMA won.

POETRY: SPEECHLESS

If I could but taste
Your kisses ever so sweet
As you gently and tenderly
Place them upon my cheek

If I could but gaze into your eyes
That outshine a starry night
Oh how happy I would be
To live a dream that has taken flight

If I could but touch
The very essence of your soul
To feel your warmth
Your heart's radiating glow

If I could but hear
Your lips part to speak
To say you love me and need me
Not just today but forever, each week

If I could but stop time
And live one moment forever
It would be when we two embrace
Souls united and not parting; ever

If I could but take your hand in mine
And from your side never part
To love you for all eternity
With my entire heart
Oh, how happy I would be

2

my darling you

my love for you is true

this i know because i feel blue without you

 and if this heart dies before yours

         i promise

my darling i will be waiting for you

 for i will be blue

'cause i will be missing you
3
How much love can one person have
To love until it hurts?
Some are not blessed with this lasting love
They only love in spurts.
To love someone so much that your mind
Loses all control
When someone holds all your heart,
And encompasses all your soul.
This love loves in spite of
Hurtful words and sad deeds,
One love knows the other
And what the other love needs.
This love gives hope and trust 
Treasured memories and tenderness
Changes lives, fulfills wishes
This love knows forgiveness.
Two lives merge in this love
Two hearts come together
No one breaks the ties that bind
This love lasts forever.
This love is so cherished
A heart cries when this love cries,
A heart hurts when this love hurts,
A heart dies when this love dies.
4

Sometimes at night you close your eyes and?
You dream of places far away.
You dream of goals unachieved.

Sometimes at night you close your eyes and...
You imagine things yet to be discovered.
You imagine flying through outer space.

Sometimes at night you close your eyes and...
You see yourself as a child again.
You see the time you?ve let pass you by.

Sometimes at night you close your eyes and...
You wish you could be on top of the world.
You wish you could sleep.

Sometimes at night I close my eyes and...
I dream of being wrapped up in your arms.
I imagine feeling your lips against mine.
I see you looking at me from across the room.
I wish you were lying here with me.

Sometimes at night I close my eyes and see only you.
    

5

I had a dream and you were standing there
The sky lit up by the moon
The air sat still as in a cocoon
Stars reflected in your eyes so clear and blue
The moment was perfect; untouched and true

In love I fell, too suddenly to comprehend
My heart would pound in a perpetually fast rhythm
You made me realize, I never wanted it to end

I had a dream and you were standing there
The wild look your eyes held
The way your thrashed, morning hair felt
I knew at that moment what I sensed, was real
I wondered if this is what you, could feel

In love I fell, too suddenly to comprehend
Sweat would drip from my nervous hands
My heart would only find comfort, when you could understand

I had a dream and you were standing there
Like honey, your sweet words stuck
Soft lips I longed to touch
Your strong embrace I could not leave
I grasped to the moment; 
took a deep breath and did not breathe...
6
Never distant is my love for you
always & forever it will remain true.
I don't care how far away you live
because to me your love you give.
You could live 10,000 miles away
to see you I'd travel from day to day.

If only you could hold me every night
that would make me feel, oh, so right.
I wish you lived close by
because whenever thinking about you I cry.
So many people tell me not to trust you,
I know people tell you the same thing too.

I wish you lived right next door
So we could see each other more.
I think everyone should know
and I'm gonna tell it everywhere I go...
Never distant is my love for you
Always forever it will remain true.
7
A burning heart full of fire,
 Moving along with no firm desire,
 Trying to find his life apart,
 Hoping to get some water
 For his burning heart.

 A burning heart crying aloud,
 Looking for love but there is no one around;
 Moving along with pain in his eyes,
 But there is no one who listens to his cries.

 A burning heart praying tight,
 Pleading for the strength to strongly fight
 The memories of the person it loved the most,
 And for a good life after the lover it lost.

 A burning heart full of fire, 
 Moving along with no firm desire, 
 Trying to find his life apart, 
 Hoping to get some water 
 For his burning heart.
8
To you, my wife, I promise this?
I live each day? for your kiss.
For you, I?d walk a million miles?
If only to see your beautiful smile.

I?ll be with you, through the good and bad.
Whatever the mood... whether happy or sad.
May I never hurt you... or make you mad.
Instead, your thoughts of me, always glad.

I?ll walk beside you till our lives here end.
And God, to heaven, our souls will send.
To you, everything, I vow to give.
May you never regret the life we live.

?I love you? is what I wish to say.
If only I could... a thousand times each day.

When the sun goes down and out of sight...
A thousand candles, for you, I?ll light.
No matter what, I promise to hold you tight.
And love you, always, with all my might.

?I love you? is what I wish to say. 
 A thousand times, to you, each day.
9
I take a breath as she comes up to me.
Speechless...
She speaks and steals my breath away. 
Words from her lips are like music to my ears.
Oh, to taste her smile.

Eyes so brown, lost in the sea of tranquility.
How can I walk when I'm blinded with such beauty? 
How can I speak?
She looks at me waiting for me to respond.
Oh, those eyes, her voice.
Already I miss her voice, the music that played softly to my ears.

So I take a breath and try to speak.
To sing to her like the woman in front of me.
Speechless...
I can't for beauty breathes in her
As her words flow with grace.

So I stand and dream.
I take in the air she breathes.
Listening to her voice.
Staring in those eyes, so blue.
Have you ever seen true blue?
Have you ever seen blue so beautiful?

Oh, those eyes, her voice.
Already I miss her voice, music to my ears.
Soothing to the soul.
I'll listen and remain...
Speechless.
10
So let it be that our lives
are but specks in the 
vastness of eternity.

Yet, it cannot be said 
that I have lived in vain. 

For the love I bear for thee
is greater than any force of nature.
11
The texture of her body, so unique
Extravagant, the color of her radiance
Lost in deep thought, decrepit I am

Perfection is indescribable
Beauty is so sweet
An aura so unimaginable, turns me so meek

The yearning of her fatal touch
Her passionate feel and contingency, I await

Petal by splendid petal, her radiance exposed
Foreseen glamour, her precious taste, I know

Miraculous endearment, so gentle, I adore
The love she unleashes, her mind, I explore

Eternally, so capable, beauty so frail
Perfection is indescribable, 
The bloom, will never fail
12
Love, defined by Webster as: 
An intense affection for another person
based on personal ties.?

I define it a bit different.
I define love by the look on your face as I stare into you eyes,
By the way that you smile 
just because we are in the same room together,
By the way that you laugh when I say something silly,
By the way we hold each other after making love.

Love is also that feeling we get when we miss each other so much, 
That feeling we get when we want to touch each other- but we cannot,
That feeling where our hearts are not complete, 
because we are far away.

They say that we are lucky if we experience true love 
just once in our life, 
We are, therefore, VERY lucky people, 
since we have something many people will never get to understand.

Yes indeed, Love has many definitions, 
but without you, I define Love as... nothingness.
13
Moments, never meant to be...
unlimited possiblities.
Taken in the blink of an eye,
who are we to deny?

Moments, so precious and few,
divine time spent with you.
Never meant for you and I,
stolen hours on the sly.

Moments, we shall never trade,
always treasured come what may.
Showing how much we both care,
stealing time... when we dare.

so rare... 
so true...
so precious few...

Stolen moments in time.......
14
The light swiftly chased
          the darkness away,
   and the cranny became illuminated.
          The hidden passion
        was suddenly revealed
  from the streams of truncated glory.

     Through the scent sprayed air
        your presence was felt
  as you gently stepped into the room.
      Desire rose amidst the aura,
     and my thoughts were twisted
     with every second of the hour.

       Looking through your eyes
          I saw reflections
       of past wayward thoughts,
      And my once ripped memories
     suddenly returned to the scene.
 Fearing the moments would prematurely die
          I gripped you tight
          while imagery of you
        browsed through my mind.

        Then I sit next to you.
     as you fed me with love,
      all the sweet-nothing sank
          deep in my brain.
       The passion never died
       as the night rolled by,
       but your magical words
   chased my mundane thoughts away.