Everybody's got something they had to LEAVE behind
One REGRET from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
There's no use LOOKING back or wondering
How it could be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find WAYS to let you know
Even though I PRETEND that I've MOVED on
You'll ALWAYS be my BABY
I never found the WORDS to say
You're the one I THINK about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A PART of me will always be with you
Somewhere in my MEMORY
I've LOST all my FEELINGS
And so my road can never be cos yesterday is all that fills my mind
You'll always be the dream that fills my HEAD
Oh baby, you'll always be the one I know I'll never FORGET
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try I just can't say GOODBYE
On Sunday night, I suddenly woke up from my sleep due the stress in me. I couldn't breathe properly and started sweat profusely.Alot of things went through my mind at that point of time. I still have so many things on hand that are going to due for deadlines! I am like oh so dead.The whole thing is draining me emotionally. Do you know hard it is to see you for just a few days and then have you ripped away when I am most happy? Do you realize how difficult the following weeks are for me after you leave, trying to get back to some normal semblance of my life, As much as I want to see you and be with you, it's killing me this way. I can't just have you around a little here and there. I need something consistent....do you understand my hungry for you?
I can't deal with a compromise. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Do you know how that feels, to wake up and long for the touch of somebody you know won't be there? To want to race home after work and share my day only to find an empty room and nobody to share it with? I miss our phone calls at night. I can't do it. I thought I'd be stronger but I'm not. Not when it comes to you.
Now we do what we always said we would do – move on. Slowly wean ourselves off each other. Which i don't want. You told me I am strong and that I will get over you....you are so mistaken.It's so weird it is ending like this. Every woman I have dated, every woman I ever called my girlfriend, ended because she wasn't kind or a liar or too much of something I didn't like. There's none of that with you. That's why it's so…hard. I wish you put me in at ease, even now, when it's all falling apart like I did for you when you were falling apart,...but you don't care. You don't want to see the pain and destruction you left behind....maybe that is why you dump on the phone rather than person. It was easier for you to do that.I had seen a different and unknown side of her. The only thing i dream about is you holding me and finally telling me you love me. Ii think of telling her, but i know if i tell you how bad my heart hurts just thinking about life without you, youll just get weirded out and stop talking to me....which you did. i would never live down baring my soul for you if you rejected me. i hate this
I am just going through the motions. My life has become very passionless, this is so disheartening. If anything sparks something in me though, I'm going to run with it. I just feel like I'm pushing through, running in water. All of my dreams are stressful and are direct mainfestations of how unfulfilled and unstimulated I am feeling lately. It has become physically impossible for me to get a decent night's sleep because of these stressful dreams. I wake up hourly. This is just very bizarre for me. I have honestly never felt like this, at least so consistently. My days are completely void of any sort of joy of any degree. I never really knew that anyone could continuously live like this, but it seems that I am.
I mainly just feel nothing - not apathy, because apathy to some extent is a mode of being, not necessarily outright sad because it's not a sharp sadness - I just mainly feel shut down, numb. On some level I am aware of this, and part of me feels terrified and frantically trying to figure out how to change this, while another part of me has seemingly accepted that this is what it is - just my new way of living. this is completely twilight zone times for me.
The only real emotion or feeling that occasionally breaks through the emptiness is the most intense longing for another person that I've ever experienced. Ok, so it happens more than I'd like to acknowledge. When it hits, it can be a staggering blow. Realizing just how intensely in love with someone you are after they've left and are living a whole new life without you, and you're trying to convince yourself that they are undoubtedly moving on, you will never be an integral part in their life again, and they will grow beyond you to the point where you are just some sad relic is definitely enough to make a person close up emotional shop for a while. I think sometimes if I could just get out of here, if I could just meet new people, if I could just do something new... I know that I can't deny how much of it is because of the lack of my best friend, amazing lover, ultimate accessory, fellow conoisseur of the good life, and comforting and
fulfilling companionship. I think Maria presence intensified the good, and could negate the ill for me.
I hope that sometime soon I get my foothold and can pick back up with being my normal self again. My coping mechanisms aren't honed so well now. I feel weak and uncertain and this is not how I know myself, and not how I would like to see myself. I guess the only thing I can do is
keep pushing through, keep going through the motions, and sometime I suppose I'll start feeling alive again.Regret. The word that i'm afraid of the most. It is worse than being haunted by ghost. It is an emotion that won't let u off and rational thinking can't solve.
Everything's been said and done and I'm still here
I'm here dazed and confused with what's going on in this world...
you can't see the dreams I've made for you,
Oh and I can't imagine a life without you..
Are you still there my love?
I can no longer see you, could no longer grasp you..
Is there a way to get to you?
coz I can't imagine life when you're gone...
I can't imagine life without you...
Hold your soul open for my welcoming.
Let the quiet of your spirit bathe me
With its clear and rippled coolness,
That, loose-limbed and weary, I find rest,
Outstretched upon your peace, as on a bed of ivory.
Let the flickering flame of your soul play all about me,
That into my limbs may come the keenness of fire,
The life and joy of tongues of flame,
And, going out from you, tightly strung and in tune,
I may rouse the blear-eyed world,
And pour into it the beauty which you have begotten
heart:
Once loved, Once broken,
Once torn, Once taken, Once trusted,
Once exposed, Once opened, Never closed....
Some days are worse than others.
Sometimes I can't catch my breathe,
I can't hold back the tears any longer,
I can't stop the pain in my heart from missing you,
I can't stop my mind from thinking about you.
Even now after everything, I can't imagine life without you in it.
I can't picture myself waking up next to anyone else but you.
I miss holding you every morning and waking you up with my kisses.
I miss the sound of your voice in the dark as you tell me you love me
every night.
Everyday I still pray to God that you are safe,
That you will find your way and be successful in everything you do,
That you will find your true love and happiness,
And that I will stop loving you as much as I still do.
Romance is dead, yet i'm trying to live its dream. Oh why do I live in death?Moving on with life without you being in front of my eyes has just become the harshest ever punishment. Happiness hurts. The enormity of which i need not tell you. Just feels like asking for more pain.... just pain.. you're a piece of puzzle in my life . without you, everything is impossible. Here i am again. after a being deprived of what at one time was my sole comfort when i needed to just talk about the simplest and the most complex things that could possibly occur inside my small little head.
How you void me of inspiration. How you heal me and then un-heal me. how the days go by slowly. And my life seems stationary. I don't belong here. And I don't belong to you anymore. But I still feel you pulling at my heart. You left me when I was at my worst. And someone cursed me. And all I can feel is this breeze and I pretend to be fine when people look at me trying to search for a sign of weakness. But days go by and here I am.
I want to sing you're a lazy lullaby and see you fall asleep on you bed. I want to strum on a guitar and see your body move gently while you breathe. I wish I could kiss you while you sleep and walk with you in your dreams. And days go by and I used to think that I could never not think about you. And I'm thinking about you now. You make every word sound like a whisper and make every sentence seem like a word. You make music my food. I know I tremble under your finger tips. Your kisses once pulled at my skin. And you bring out the worst in me. Someone must have cursed me. Days go by and I never thought I would feel this cold in this bitterness. And I'm frozen.
I feel like this must end. Days would go by and I thought I could never live my life without you. But here I am. Living without you. And someone inside me wants to stop breathing
Sunday, March 12, 2006
THOUGHTS: IF IT'S THE LAST GOOD BYE (MARCH 12, 2006) **MARIA BREAKUP***
In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round
I stand there for a minute starin’ straight into the ground
Lookin’ to the left slightly, then lookin’ back down
World feels like it’s caved in – proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she’s lookin’ straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she’s lookin’ down at her feet
Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over
So then I move my hand up from down by my side
It's shakin’, my life is crashin’ before my eyes
Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh
‘Cause I can’t imagine my life without you and me
There’s things I can’t imagine doin’, things I can’t imagine seein’
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, I beg you please
She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested
She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she’s blessed with
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
By pushin’ my hand away to my chest, from hers
Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over
And I’m just standin’ there, I can’t say a word
‘Cause everythin’s just gone
I’ve got nothin’
Absolutely nothin’
Tryin’ to pull her close out of bare desperation
Put my arms around her tryin’ to change what she’s sayin’
Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in
Look into her eyes to make her listen again
I’m not gonna , just ’ leave it all now
‘Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow
And you’re gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You’re well out of order now, this is well out of town
She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight
Turns around so she’s now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away
Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over
I know in the past I’ve found it hard to say
Tellin’ you things, but not tellin’ straight
But the more I pull on your hand and say
The more you pull away
Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now.
PART II
Life without you is like living without oxygen,
Devoid of pleasure, comfort and smile;
Hence, here is a tribute to all that you've given,
Because of you, my life had been worthwhile.
Love is the quality that keeps our passions burning,
Nature is the gift of beauty from the one above;
Seared in memory is the tender soul of a being,
So warm and radiant, like roses and sweet love.
There is a place in this world we all know of,
A place to bury ourselves in timelessness;
In you I felt some kind of bliss that's soft,
Like the feathers of the birds oh so harmonious.
Sunny and clear or cold and bitter,
You seldom expressed your exhaustion from burden;
But it doesn't matter now even that you're not here,
For as long as you're cherished you will never be forgotten
I have always been the one to cry during movies or at weddings. Crying and open displays of vulnerability. After a lot of introspection and years of intensive self therapy, I have realised a lot of it has to do with my upbringing and having been raised in a family where I was my own source of solace and comfort. My parents raised me as best they could and to the best of their knowledge. There were no child-rearing handbooks at that time and some of the techniques of discipline which they dispensed would nowadays be looked upon with disdain. I love my parents deeply, but the emotional scars still run deep and it is a journey on my part to rid myself of the damage and pain that still resides in me. I am working towards that goal, and part of the journey is realising that I still associate feeling and emotional availability to vulnerability and to a difficult past. Over the years and over time, you build up a protective wall, and unchecked, that wall becomes menacing and prevents you from getting inside yourself. I have also realised that the pain and sorrow that we keep in ourselves become insidious and malignant, seeping into different aspects of your life without you even realising it. Like a cancer, it overtakes you and soon you lose site of the good and beautiful things that exist around you. And those walls were broken down my Joanne, Melissa, and Maria.
Yesterday after Maria called me the night before I suddenly became acutely aware of my surroundings and where I was in my life. My personal history, my childhood, my job, my relationship and my future all loomed over me and it was overwhelming and I experienced a panic attack. I became dizzy and nauseous. My heart was racing and my breathing was laboured and I began to feel waves of emotions that I had never felt before.I called my sister up and she took hold of me and helping me breathe and telling me to relax and to let things go. She responded with such kindness and compassion, and suddenly the floodgates opened and I began to feel things that I had never allowed myself to feel before. I began to cry.
But it was no ordinary cry, for it was no ordinary moment.
The years of untouched emotional sediment began to come undone and the emotional sludge began to loosen. So much pain. So much hurt. So much unacknowledged emotional baggage began to release itself. The pain coursed through my body and I responded viscerally. My Soul began to weep and sob and I remember sobbing and screaming that it "hurts so much", and Maria had someone how touch a core in me. My sister telling me to "Let it Go". I released with such ferocity that my body convulsed and every ounce of energy that I had put into keeping that wall up, was let go.
Twenty or thirty minutes later the sobbing stopped and quiet fell in my exhaustion. I could barely move and the weight of my body pulled me into a deep sleep. Realising that a large part of that emotional barrier had been removed, was profoundly intimate and calming. I went to sleep early last night. When I woke the following morning, I felt different. There was a new sense of understanding in the knowledge that I HAD acknowledged my past and present and that there was a future for me. For many years I was always aware of myself, but rarely did I ever Acknowledge myself.
Without sounding like a new-age nut, I feel different. Things are even brighter than they were and the sensation and touch of my new found spirit is exciting. I can't describe it intelligibly, but I suppose it can be likened to an archaelogical expedition, where you are in search of a long lost treasure. I have found that well of emotion that I have hidden for so long and am now beginning to make peace with it.
Though there times when i can actually post an entry and share whatever goes on my mind, but i preffered not to. I write about relationship and love and sex...and not really write about me...my writing is raw and scary. I am emotionally, physically and academically stressed. I feel danger, angst, paranoia, rejection and loneliness. But now i am ready. Ready to let the whole world know what i want them to know and what i want them to see. I am alone.
Now i know what my fear is. I fear losing people. I fear rejection. I fear being lonely. I am selfish, i know. I was never contented with my disposition in life...maybe that is why when I felt Maria wasn't into me enough...I felt like I had to talk her into spending more time with me..... like a saleperson...trying to sell myself...I went back to online dating. I felt one day she would leave me and she did. She didn't want to get married in one year but in two. She really didn't want to live in Long Island. She had driving issues with coming to see me. She had issues about being with her and her family. She had issues about me. She didn't want me at the end.She had family issues that effected her. She couldn't commit to me. When someone loves you...they want to be with you all the time. Yes..we did talk on the phone everyday, but I needed more. I felt so rejected.
Call me stupid for not being able to understand things. Call me immature for not taking your decisions in a matured way, i just can't. Call me selfish for not being able to let you go in my hands. Call me pathetic for not moving on life without you. Call me anything you want, but please never call me your "ex-friend".
I want to hate you, but i couldn't. I want you not to leave me, but i couldn't. I want to put things on where they used to be placed, but i couldn't. I want to pretend that i'm ok without you, but i couldn't.
I don't want you to see me in a pitiful state but if this is the only way for us not to drift away, then i will.
Please, don't say goodbye.
You've said your goodbyes, your farewells. But i never say mine, 'cause i don't want to drift away. Away from you, away from our bond and away from our love
Where is me? Isn't it unfair on my part making a desicion like this without me how and why this love will end. I knew your own reasons, but have heard mine? You never did. I understand.
Don't call yourselves "unworthy" for the love, you were. Don't call yourselves "not good enough", 'cause you were.
We are all selfish, admit it. That's why this "drifting" doesn't give much "ok-ness" on us.
You are selfish 'cause you wanted to search for your identity. You were selfish for having the decision without thinking (i'm not actually saying "without", but partially, i think) the consequences after the decision-making. I was hurt. I am hurt. She is hurt, i know. And you, i don't know if you were hurt or what, 'cause it's your decision, right?
You, you are selfish. I know you. You pretend that you are ok and things are ok. You pretend that you can leave alone thinking and thinking. But admit it that your "thinking" makes you realize how lonely you were. Loneliness, i know you hate it but you resist the idea, right? I am selfish for not moving on life without you. Selfish for making me feel that i'm not enough. I am selfish 'cause i don't want to suffer this feeling.
We are all selfish. But one should go down to fix things up.
Maria told me I should start a new life without her cos "you want me to be happy"...I try to be logical and tell myselft that it won't be forever, but that's not much comfort when I really need to touch you and kiss you and love you...Sometimes I close my eyes and hold a picture of you in my mind and imagine all the things I'd say if I had you here....but no matter how beautiful the picture is, it will never compare to the real thing, to looking into your eyes and whispering your name and kissing your lips...I miss her so much and I can't wait for the day when I can stop holding on to a daydream and start holding her in my arms again...forever but it won't happen
I wish I could go back in time...back to those unspoiled moments in our relationship....because if I could go back and start from those moments once more, I would hold you longer, never miss a chance to tell you how much you mean to me...and I would never, ever let you down...But I know we can't go back to those days. I know I can't wake up and find that it was just a dream (of losing you). I can't go back there again...I can't take away the pains....and I can't go back to the fearful days we both had...I can't go back and make it better for us.
Sometimes I find myself talking to you thoughout the day - imagining conversations we might be having...Sometimes I walk into a room, Barnes and Nobles ,Banana Repulic, and hope you will magically be there...and run to me and ease the emptiness I feel without you...Sometimes, no all the time, I miss you more than words can express...But more than that, always
Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you
I heard the words come out
I thought that I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you
Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken
I'd give anything now
to kill those words for you
Each time I say something I regret I cry I don't want to lose you.
But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah.
'Cause you were made for me
Somehow I'll make you see
How happy you make me
I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive
So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry..
And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you
(c) Evanescence - Forgive Me
You know, when it rains, it pours
I stand there for a minute starin’ straight into the ground
Lookin’ to the left slightly, then lookin’ back down
World feels like it’s caved in – proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she’s lookin’ straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she’s lookin’ down at her feet
Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over
So then I move my hand up from down by my side
It's shakin’, my life is crashin’ before my eyes
Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh
‘Cause I can’t imagine my life without you and me
There’s things I can’t imagine doin’, things I can’t imagine seein’
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, I beg you please
She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested
She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she’s blessed with
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
By pushin’ my hand away to my chest, from hers
Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over
And I’m just standin’ there, I can’t say a word
‘Cause everythin’s just gone
I’ve got nothin’
Absolutely nothin’
Tryin’ to pull her close out of bare desperation
Put my arms around her tryin’ to change what she’s sayin’
Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in
Look into her eyes to make her listen again
I’m not gonna , just ’ leave it all now
‘Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow
And you’re gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You’re well out of order now, this is well out of town
She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight
Turns around so she’s now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away
Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over
I know in the past I’ve found it hard to say
Tellin’ you things, but not tellin’ straight
But the more I pull on your hand and say
The more you pull away
Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now.
PART II
Life without you is like living without oxygen,
Devoid of pleasure, comfort and smile;
Hence, here is a tribute to all that you've given,
Because of you, my life had been worthwhile.
Love is the quality that keeps our passions burning,
Nature is the gift of beauty from the one above;
Seared in memory is the tender soul of a being,
So warm and radiant, like roses and sweet love.
There is a place in this world we all know of,
A place to bury ourselves in timelessness;
In you I felt some kind of bliss that's soft,
Like the feathers of the birds oh so harmonious.
Sunny and clear or cold and bitter,
You seldom expressed your exhaustion from burden;
But it doesn't matter now even that you're not here,
For as long as you're cherished you will never be forgotten
I have always been the one to cry during movies or at weddings. Crying and open displays of vulnerability. After a lot of introspection and years of intensive self therapy, I have realised a lot of it has to do with my upbringing and having been raised in a family where I was my own source of solace and comfort. My parents raised me as best they could and to the best of their knowledge. There were no child-rearing handbooks at that time and some of the techniques of discipline which they dispensed would nowadays be looked upon with disdain. I love my parents deeply, but the emotional scars still run deep and it is a journey on my part to rid myself of the damage and pain that still resides in me. I am working towards that goal, and part of the journey is realising that I still associate feeling and emotional availability to vulnerability and to a difficult past. Over the years and over time, you build up a protective wall, and unchecked, that wall becomes menacing and prevents you from getting inside yourself. I have also realised that the pain and sorrow that we keep in ourselves become insidious and malignant, seeping into different aspects of your life without you even realising it. Like a cancer, it overtakes you and soon you lose site of the good and beautiful things that exist around you. And those walls were broken down my Joanne, Melissa, and Maria.
Yesterday after Maria called me the night before I suddenly became acutely aware of my surroundings and where I was in my life. My personal history, my childhood, my job, my relationship and my future all loomed over me and it was overwhelming and I experienced a panic attack. I became dizzy and nauseous. My heart was racing and my breathing was laboured and I began to feel waves of emotions that I had never felt before.I called my sister up and she took hold of me and helping me breathe and telling me to relax and to let things go. She responded with such kindness and compassion, and suddenly the floodgates opened and I began to feel things that I had never allowed myself to feel before. I began to cry.
But it was no ordinary cry, for it was no ordinary moment.
The years of untouched emotional sediment began to come undone and the emotional sludge began to loosen. So much pain. So much hurt. So much unacknowledged emotional baggage began to release itself. The pain coursed through my body and I responded viscerally. My Soul began to weep and sob and I remember sobbing and screaming that it "hurts so much", and Maria had someone how touch a core in me. My sister telling me to "Let it Go". I released with such ferocity that my body convulsed and every ounce of energy that I had put into keeping that wall up, was let go.
Twenty or thirty minutes later the sobbing stopped and quiet fell in my exhaustion. I could barely move and the weight of my body pulled me into a deep sleep. Realising that a large part of that emotional barrier had been removed, was profoundly intimate and calming. I went to sleep early last night. When I woke the following morning, I felt different. There was a new sense of understanding in the knowledge that I HAD acknowledged my past and present and that there was a future for me. For many years I was always aware of myself, but rarely did I ever Acknowledge myself.
Without sounding like a new-age nut, I feel different. Things are even brighter than they were and the sensation and touch of my new found spirit is exciting. I can't describe it intelligibly, but I suppose it can be likened to an archaelogical expedition, where you are in search of a long lost treasure. I have found that well of emotion that I have hidden for so long and am now beginning to make peace with it.
Though there times when i can actually post an entry and share whatever goes on my mind, but i preffered not to. I write about relationship and love and sex...and not really write about me...my writing is raw and scary. I am emotionally, physically and academically stressed. I feel danger, angst, paranoia, rejection and loneliness. But now i am ready. Ready to let the whole world know what i want them to know and what i want them to see. I am alone.
Now i know what my fear is. I fear losing people. I fear rejection. I fear being lonely. I am selfish, i know. I was never contented with my disposition in life...maybe that is why when I felt Maria wasn't into me enough...I felt like I had to talk her into spending more time with me..... like a saleperson...trying to sell myself...I went back to online dating. I felt one day she would leave me and she did. She didn't want to get married in one year but in two. She really didn't want to live in Long Island. She had driving issues with coming to see me. She had issues about being with her and her family. She had issues about me. She didn't want me at the end.She had family issues that effected her. She couldn't commit to me. When someone loves you...they want to be with you all the time. Yes..we did talk on the phone everyday, but I needed more. I felt so rejected.
Call me stupid for not being able to understand things. Call me immature for not taking your decisions in a matured way, i just can't. Call me selfish for not being able to let you go in my hands. Call me pathetic for not moving on life without you. Call me anything you want, but please never call me your "ex-friend".
I want to hate you, but i couldn't. I want you not to leave me, but i couldn't. I want to put things on where they used to be placed, but i couldn't. I want to pretend that i'm ok without you, but i couldn't.
I don't want you to see me in a pitiful state but if this is the only way for us not to drift away, then i will.
Please, don't say goodbye.
You've said your goodbyes, your farewells. But i never say mine, 'cause i don't want to drift away. Away from you, away from our bond and away from our love
Where is me? Isn't it unfair on my part making a desicion like this without me how and why this love will end. I knew your own reasons, but have heard mine? You never did. I understand.
Don't call yourselves "unworthy" for the love, you were. Don't call yourselves "not good enough", 'cause you were.
We are all selfish, admit it. That's why this "drifting" doesn't give much "ok-ness" on us.
You are selfish 'cause you wanted to search for your identity. You were selfish for having the decision without thinking (i'm not actually saying "without", but partially, i think) the consequences after the decision-making. I was hurt. I am hurt. She is hurt, i know. And you, i don't know if you were hurt or what, 'cause it's your decision, right?
You, you are selfish. I know you. You pretend that you are ok and things are ok. You pretend that you can leave alone thinking and thinking. But admit it that your "thinking" makes you realize how lonely you were. Loneliness, i know you hate it but you resist the idea, right? I am selfish for not moving on life without you. Selfish for making me feel that i'm not enough. I am selfish 'cause i don't want to suffer this feeling.
We are all selfish. But one should go down to fix things up.
Maria told me I should start a new life without her cos "you want me to be happy"...I try to be logical and tell myselft that it won't be forever, but that's not much comfort when I really need to touch you and kiss you and love you...Sometimes I close my eyes and hold a picture of you in my mind and imagine all the things I'd say if I had you here....but no matter how beautiful the picture is, it will never compare to the real thing, to looking into your eyes and whispering your name and kissing your lips...I miss her so much and I can't wait for the day when I can stop holding on to a daydream and start holding her in my arms again...forever but it won't happen
I wish I could go back in time...back to those unspoiled moments in our relationship....because if I could go back and start from those moments once more, I would hold you longer, never miss a chance to tell you how much you mean to me...and I would never, ever let you down...But I know we can't go back to those days. I know I can't wake up and find that it was just a dream (of losing you). I can't go back there again...I can't take away the pains....and I can't go back to the fearful days we both had...I can't go back and make it better for us.
Sometimes I find myself talking to you thoughout the day - imagining conversations we might be having...Sometimes I walk into a room, Barnes and Nobles ,Banana Repulic, and hope you will magically be there...and run to me and ease the emptiness I feel without you...Sometimes, no all the time, I miss you more than words can express...But more than that, always
Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you
I heard the words come out
I thought that I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you
Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken
I'd give anything now
to kill those words for you
Each time I say something I regret I cry I don't want to lose you.
But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah.
'Cause you were made for me
Somehow I'll make you see
How happy you make me
I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive
So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry..
And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you
(c) Evanescence - Forgive Me
You know, when it rains, it pours
JOURNAL: MARIA BREAK UP
Everybody's got something they had to LEAVE behind
One REGRET from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
There's no use LOOKING back or wondering
How it could be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find WAYS to let you know
Even though I PRETEND that I've MOVED on
You'll ALWAYS be my BABY
I never found the WORDS to say
You're the one I THINK about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A PART of me will always be with you
Somewhere in my MEMORY
I've LOST all my FEELINGS
And so my road can never be cos yesterday is all that fills my mind
You'll always be the dream that fills my HEAD
Oh baby, you'll always be the one I know I'll never FORGET
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try I just can't say GOODBYE
On Sunday night, I suddenly woke up from my sleep due the stress in me. I couldn't breathe properly and started sweat profusely.Alot of things went through my mind at that point of time. I still have so many things on hand that are going to due for deadlines! I am like oh so dead.The whole thing is draining me emotionally. Do you know hard it is to see you for just a few days and then have you ripped away when I am most happy? Do you realize how difficult the following weeks are for me after you leave, trying to get back to some normal semblance of my life, As much as I want to see you and be with you, it's killing me this way. I can't just have you around a little here and there. I need something consistent....do you understand my hungry for you?
I can't deal with a compromise. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Do you know how that feels, to wake up and long for the touch of somebody you know won't be there? To want to race home after work and share my day only to find an empty room and nobody to share it with? I miss our phone calls at night. I can't do it. I thought I'd be stronger but I'm not. Not when it comes to you.
Now we do what we always said we would do – move on. Slowly wean ourselves off each other. Which i don't want. You told me I am strong and that I will get over you....you are so mistaken.It's so weird it is ending like this. Every woman I have dated, every woman I ever called my girlfriend, ended because she wasn't kind or a liar or too much of something I didn't like. There's none of that with you. That's why it's so…hard. I wish you put me in at ease, even now, when it's all falling apart like I did for you when you were falling apart,...but you don't care. You don't want to see the pain and destruction you left behind....maybe that is why you dump on the phone rather than person. It was easier for you to do that.I had seen a different and unknown side of her. The only thing i dream about is you holding me and finally telling me you love me. Ii think of telling her, but i know if i tell you how bad my heart hurts just thinking about life without you, youll just get weirded out and stop talking to me....which you did. i would never live down baring my soul for you if you rejected me. i hate this
I am just going through the motions. My life has become very passionless, this is so disheartening. If anything sparks something in me though, I'm going to run with it. I just feel like I'm pushing through, running in water. All of my dreams are stressful and are direct mainfestations of how unfulfilled and unstimulated I am feeling lately. It has become physically impossible for me to get a decent night's sleep because of these stressful dreams. I wake up hourly. This is just very bizarre for me. I have honestly never felt like this, at least so consistently. My days are completely void of any sort of joy of any degree. I never really knew that anyone could continuously live like this, but it seems that I am.
I mainly just feel nothing - not apathy, because apathy to some extent is a mode of being, not necessarily outright sad because it's not a sharp sadness - I just mainly feel shut down, numb. On some level I am aware of this, and part of me feels terrified and frantically trying to figure out how to change this, while another part of me has seemingly accepted that this is what it is - just my new way of living. this is completely twilight zone times for me.
The only real emotion or feeling that occasionally breaks through the emptiness is the most intense longing for another person that I've ever experienced. Ok, so it happens more than I'd like to acknowledge. When it hits, it can be a staggering blow. Realizing just how intensely in love with someone you are after they've left and are living a whole new life without you, and you're trying to convince yourself that they are undoubtedly moving on, you will never be an integral part in their life again, and they will grow beyond you to the point where you are just some sad relic is definitely enough to make a person close up emotional shop for a while. I think sometimes if I could just get out of here, if I could just meet new people, if I could just do something new... I know that I can't deny how much of it is because of the lack of my best friend, amazing lover, ultimate accessory, fellow conoisseur of the good life, and comforting and
fulfilling companionship. I think Maria presence intensified the good, and could negate the ill for me.
I hope that sometime soon I get my foothold and can pick back up with being my normal self again. My coping mechanisms aren't honed so well now. I feel weak and uncertain and this is not how I know myself, and not how I would like to see myself. I guess the only thing I can do is
keep pushing through, keep going through the motions, and sometime I suppose I'll start feeling alive again.Regret. The word that i'm afraid of the most. It is worse than being haunted by ghost. It is an emotion that won't let u off and rational thinking can't solve.
Everything's been said and done and I'm still here
I'm here dazed and confused with what's going on in this world...
you can't see the dreams I've made for you,
Oh and I can't imagine a life without you..
Are you still there my love?
I can no longer see you, could no longer grasp you..
Is there a way to get to you?
coz I can't imagine life when you're gone...
I can't imagine life without you...
Hold your soul open for my welcoming.
Let the quiet of your spirit bathe me
With its clear and rippled coolness,
That, loose-limbed and weary, I find rest,
Outstretched upon your peace, as on a bed of ivory.
Let the flickering flame of your soul play all about me,
That into my limbs may come the keenness of fire,
The life and joy of tongues of flame,
And, going out from you, tightly strung and in tune,
I may rouse the blear-eyed world,
And pour into it the beauty which you have begotten
heart:
Once loved, Once broken,
Once torn, Once taken, Once trusted,
Once exposed, Once opened, Never closed....
Some days are worse than others.
Sometimes I can't catch my breathe,
I can't hold back the tears any longer,
I can't stop the pain in my heart from missing you,
I can't stop my mind from thinking about you.
Even now after everything, I can't imagine life without you in it.
I can't picture myself waking up next to anyone else but you.
I miss holding you every morning and waking you up with my kisses.
I miss the sound of your voice in the dark as you tell me you love me
every night.
Everyday I still pray to God that you are safe,
That you will find your way and be successful in everything you do,
That you will find your true love and happiness,
And that I will stop loving you as much as I still do.
Romance is dead, yet i'm trying to live its dream. Oh why do I live in death?Moving on with life without you being in front of my eyes has just become the harshest ever punishment. Happiness hurts. The enormity of which i need not tell you. Just feels like asking for more pain.... just pain.. you're a piece of puzzle in my life . without you, everything is impossible. Here i am again. after a being deprived of what at one time was my sole comfort when i needed to just talk about the simplest and the most complex things that could possibly occur inside my small little head.
How you void me of inspiration. How you heal me and then un-heal me. how the days go by slowly. And my life seems stationary. I don't belong here. And I don't belong to you anymore. But I still feel you pulling at my heart. You left me when I was at my worst. And someone cursed me. And all I can feel is this breeze and I pretend to be fine when people look at me trying to search for a sign of weakness. But days go by and here I am.
I want to sing you're a lazy lullaby and see you fall asleep on you bed. I want to strum on a guitar and see your body move gently while you breathe. I wish I could kiss you while you sleep and walk with you in your dreams. And days go by and I used to think that I could never not think about you. And I'm thinking about you now. You make every word sound like a whisper and make every sentence seem like a word. You make music my food. I know I tremble under your finger tips. Your kisses once pulled at my skin. And you bring out the worst in me. Someone must have cursed me. Days go by and I never thought I would feel this cold in this bitterness. And I'm frozen.
I feel like this must end. Days would go by and I thought I could never live my life without you. But here I am. Living without you. And someone inside me wants to stop breathing
One REGRET from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
There's no use LOOKING back or wondering
How it could be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find WAYS to let you know
Even though I PRETEND that I've MOVED on
You'll ALWAYS be my BABY
I never found the WORDS to say
You're the one I THINK about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A PART of me will always be with you
Somewhere in my MEMORY
I've LOST all my FEELINGS
And so my road can never be cos yesterday is all that fills my mind
You'll always be the dream that fills my HEAD
Oh baby, you'll always be the one I know I'll never FORGET
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try I just can't say GOODBYE
On Sunday night, I suddenly woke up from my sleep due the stress in me. I couldn't breathe properly and started sweat profusely.Alot of things went through my mind at that point of time. I still have so many things on hand that are going to due for deadlines! I am like oh so dead.The whole thing is draining me emotionally. Do you know hard it is to see you for just a few days and then have you ripped away when I am most happy? Do you realize how difficult the following weeks are for me after you leave, trying to get back to some normal semblance of my life, As much as I want to see you and be with you, it's killing me this way. I can't just have you around a little here and there. I need something consistent....do you understand my hungry for you?
I can't deal with a compromise. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Do you know how that feels, to wake up and long for the touch of somebody you know won't be there? To want to race home after work and share my day only to find an empty room and nobody to share it with? I miss our phone calls at night. I can't do it. I thought I'd be stronger but I'm not. Not when it comes to you.
Now we do what we always said we would do – move on. Slowly wean ourselves off each other. Which i don't want. You told me I am strong and that I will get over you....you are so mistaken.It's so weird it is ending like this. Every woman I have dated, every woman I ever called my girlfriend, ended because she wasn't kind or a liar or too much of something I didn't like. There's none of that with you. That's why it's so…hard. I wish you put me in at ease, even now, when it's all falling apart like I did for you when you were falling apart,...but you don't care. You don't want to see the pain and destruction you left behind....maybe that is why you dump on the phone rather than person. It was easier for you to do that.I had seen a different and unknown side of her. The only thing i dream about is you holding me and finally telling me you love me. Ii think of telling her, but i know if i tell you how bad my heart hurts just thinking about life without you, youll just get weirded out and stop talking to me....which you did. i would never live down baring my soul for you if you rejected me. i hate this
I am just going through the motions. My life has become very passionless, this is so disheartening. If anything sparks something in me though, I'm going to run with it. I just feel like I'm pushing through, running in water. All of my dreams are stressful and are direct mainfestations of how unfulfilled and unstimulated I am feeling lately. It has become physically impossible for me to get a decent night's sleep because of these stressful dreams. I wake up hourly. This is just very bizarre for me. I have honestly never felt like this, at least so consistently. My days are completely void of any sort of joy of any degree. I never really knew that anyone could continuously live like this, but it seems that I am.
I mainly just feel nothing - not apathy, because apathy to some extent is a mode of being, not necessarily outright sad because it's not a sharp sadness - I just mainly feel shut down, numb. On some level I am aware of this, and part of me feels terrified and frantically trying to figure out how to change this, while another part of me has seemingly accepted that this is what it is - just my new way of living. this is completely twilight zone times for me.
The only real emotion or feeling that occasionally breaks through the emptiness is the most intense longing for another person that I've ever experienced. Ok, so it happens more than I'd like to acknowledge. When it hits, it can be a staggering blow. Realizing just how intensely in love with someone you are after they've left and are living a whole new life without you, and you're trying to convince yourself that they are undoubtedly moving on, you will never be an integral part in their life again, and they will grow beyond you to the point where you are just some sad relic is definitely enough to make a person close up emotional shop for a while. I think sometimes if I could just get out of here, if I could just meet new people, if I could just do something new... I know that I can't deny how much of it is because of the lack of my best friend, amazing lover, ultimate accessory, fellow conoisseur of the good life, and comforting and
fulfilling companionship. I think Maria presence intensified the good, and could negate the ill for me.
I hope that sometime soon I get my foothold and can pick back up with being my normal self again. My coping mechanisms aren't honed so well now. I feel weak and uncertain and this is not how I know myself, and not how I would like to see myself. I guess the only thing I can do is
keep pushing through, keep going through the motions, and sometime I suppose I'll start feeling alive again.Regret. The word that i'm afraid of the most. It is worse than being haunted by ghost. It is an emotion that won't let u off and rational thinking can't solve.
Everything's been said and done and I'm still here
I'm here dazed and confused with what's going on in this world...
you can't see the dreams I've made for you,
Oh and I can't imagine a life without you..
Are you still there my love?
I can no longer see you, could no longer grasp you..
Is there a way to get to you?
coz I can't imagine life when you're gone...
I can't imagine life without you...
Hold your soul open for my welcoming.
Let the quiet of your spirit bathe me
With its clear and rippled coolness,
That, loose-limbed and weary, I find rest,
Outstretched upon your peace, as on a bed of ivory.
Let the flickering flame of your soul play all about me,
That into my limbs may come the keenness of fire,
The life and joy of tongues of flame,
And, going out from you, tightly strung and in tune,
I may rouse the blear-eyed world,
And pour into it the beauty which you have begotten
heart:
Once loved, Once broken,
Once torn, Once taken, Once trusted,
Once exposed, Once opened, Never closed....
Some days are worse than others.
Sometimes I can't catch my breathe,
I can't hold back the tears any longer,
I can't stop the pain in my heart from missing you,
I can't stop my mind from thinking about you.
Even now after everything, I can't imagine life without you in it.
I can't picture myself waking up next to anyone else but you.
I miss holding you every morning and waking you up with my kisses.
I miss the sound of your voice in the dark as you tell me you love me
every night.
Everyday I still pray to God that you are safe,
That you will find your way and be successful in everything you do,
That you will find your true love and happiness,
And that I will stop loving you as much as I still do.
Romance is dead, yet i'm trying to live its dream. Oh why do I live in death?Moving on with life without you being in front of my eyes has just become the harshest ever punishment. Happiness hurts. The enormity of which i need not tell you. Just feels like asking for more pain.... just pain.. you're a piece of puzzle in my life . without you, everything is impossible. Here i am again. after a being deprived of what at one time was my sole comfort when i needed to just talk about the simplest and the most complex things that could possibly occur inside my small little head.
How you void me of inspiration. How you heal me and then un-heal me. how the days go by slowly. And my life seems stationary. I don't belong here. And I don't belong to you anymore. But I still feel you pulling at my heart. You left me when I was at my worst. And someone cursed me. And all I can feel is this breeze and I pretend to be fine when people look at me trying to search for a sign of weakness. But days go by and here I am.
I want to sing you're a lazy lullaby and see you fall asleep on you bed. I want to strum on a guitar and see your body move gently while you breathe. I wish I could kiss you while you sleep and walk with you in your dreams. And days go by and I used to think that I could never not think about you. And I'm thinking about you now. You make every word sound like a whisper and make every sentence seem like a word. You make music my food. I know I tremble under your finger tips. Your kisses once pulled at my skin. And you bring out the worst in me. Someone must have cursed me. Days go by and I never thought I would feel this cold in this bitterness. And I'm frozen.
I feel like this must end. Days would go by and I thought I could never live my life without you. But here I am. Living without you. And someone inside me wants to stop breathing
Saturday, March 11, 2006
JOURNAL: LONELINESS ENGULFS ME WITH MEMORIES OF MARIA
I feel somewhat.. neurotic. restless, unable to concentrate on anything for long, tired. I feel so sad...great sorrow. I can't stop crying....I feel like a failure. Once again I am lost in the abyss. I am at the apartment and memories of Maria and our time together is hitting me It is killing me. When you're engulfed with loneliness and sadness, you just want to curl up next to someone and hold on to them tightly forever. But i can't, because i don't know the meaning of forever. I despise myself for being needy and dependent, for needing that reassurance all the time. I wish there was someone who is willing to love me and stay with me despite my gazillion bad faults. But no one want to risk their whole life with me. Not Joanne, not Melissa, not Maria. It beautiful outside...and all I want to do is close my eyes and not open them and not feel this pain.
I trust Maria and care about her and everything. Part of me argues that if she didn't want something with me, why'd she put all that effort in ya know? The effort to meet my whole family and get along with them so well. An effort to win their trust and affection. The effort to try and see me when she lived over 40 minutes away if you drive the speed limit. I believe she has good intentions but perhaps I bring the worst out in people. What if I take this awesome, almost perfect, wonderful woman and make her into a monster. What if she stops being so caring and loving and understandin and sweet? Wouldn't that then be my fault? She's a good girl so if she becomes bad, that'd have to be because of me. She understands when I get angry or frustrated or upset. Makes me laugh and smile when I get that way. She makes me happy. She's a total package: great to me, great to my family, She motivates me and makes me feel like I can do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. I don't think I'll ever get married. How many people have said they could see themselves spendin the rest of their lives with me? Now take that number and see how many stuck around. Not one. Not one meant it. Who'd want to marry me? I think I'd be a great husband seein as how I'm a pretty good boyfriend. But whatever.How can a person tell you that they love you and want to marry you and a few weeks later....doesn't want anything to do with you.
You know how sometimes you feel like...the world is just about to fall apart? Like...everything is going to crash and burn...tonight will last forever but not because I want it to. I just hate the way I am.....I keep losing everyone that comes into my life.....I must be a bad person....I must be. What else would someone leave me. Maybe I am the one who afraid to commit....I talk about commmitment all the time. My heart is killing me. I AM A FUCKEN LOSER. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME...I JUST KNOW IT. Maybe that is the lesson I am suppose to learn ...from Maria breaking up with me. I don't know if i can even write in the blog anymore. This whole site was for her........all of my poem....my stories was based on my love for her. My eyes are swollen. I can't handle these emotions....they are killing me. No one can love me enough to be with me forever...with all my mistakes and fuck ups. I wrote the following on Feb 7:
I am so scared.
I am scared of how much i love you, i am scared because right now i am feeling so many things that i am about to explode. I am terrified that maybe you are lying to me. I am so scared that you don't mean when you say you love me. I am shit scared that you'll leave me for someone else. I am going ou of my mind because, what if you still love her? What if you never loved me?? What if i have become addicted to you and now i just cant let go? And to tell you the truth i dont know what i'm writing because all of this is flowing so fast and violently out of me that i can't make out the words being typed, i am staring at the scree. i've been waiting for you all day. WHERE ARE YOU!??!?!?
I am scared of how much i love you, i am scared of the power you hold over me. I am scared that if you were to leave, i'd die. I'd die. I'm past the point of being able to live without you, but i can't tell you this because i don't want you to feel balckmailed or chained to me. I shit scared that just the thought of you leaving makes me want to cry. I don't think i could survive, and i could stop hating my own heart, i could do it.... for you. Just understand that this is all about my fears it has to do WITH ME, not you. You are perfect.
And all of this is getting so redundant and i don't know why i am writing this when there is a huge posibility that you might come across it. What if i am not good enough for you? What if you sudenly realize that i am not who you want? That i was always nothing? Not even your nothing, but plain nothing? What if you don't want nothing anymore? What if you need something for a change? What if you need someone better, someone more handsome, someone who isn't this pervet like me? SOmeone who isn't slim? Someone who won't love you as desperately as I love you?!? I could stop wanting to kill myself. And why the fuck are tears running down my face as i write this?!?!? It's not as if this is a goodbye its just me expressing my fears because i think you will leave me because i am nothing and you deserve everything, for you are the most amazing human being on this planet. You are art. You... you are my everything, as cliché as it may sound. You are nothing's everything. I am so scared that i can't let you go without dying. I can stop lying, I can stop punching my own face, I can stop hating my own heart, I can do it... Because of you, I can stop wanting to kill myself, I can stop wanting your perfect heart, I can do it... Because of you. I can start listening, I can say Hi, I can feel something good....And none of this makes any fucking sense and all i can do is think about you and everytime i think of you i shiver and I am scared that the only thing i want to do is bleed for you, hurt for you, laugh for you... live for you. I am terrified of how much you mean to me and how everything comes down to you... I love you to much for my own good and i am terrified of how utterly in love i am with you, how i'd do anything you asked me to do.
Iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouilovey
Please...
I am so fucking scared.
Someone out there: ANYONE LISTENING TO THIS STUPID BLOG OF MINE. I didn't want to hurt you...Maria. Oh please don't. Please don't. Not now. Don't. Don't let my world fall apart. I don't have anyone else to turn to right now. Don't leave me. Please just don't leave me. Please don't. Now that you are gone...and the thought of facing everything alone scares me. I'm afraid. Don't leave me. I don't want to lose you. I want to tell you that I think you're being fucking selfish. I want to say FUCK U. But I can't. Because I fucking feel for you, you know. But it doesn't matter does it? It won't fucking matter because after this, my world will be no more. I don't want to freaking live forever...not if it's gonna be like this. I feel that this is goodbye. So this is it? I can't believe it. I don't want to believe it but I've already lost you.
I want to truly be able to believe in love. To know that there is a person out there who is deserving of all of what I have to give. Who won't only dish out parts of themselves and hold back with others. I want to be realistic and not blinded by love, but also believe in being swept off of my feet. I want to be laughing on the inside while I laugh on the outside, and not berating myself for being a faker.
I want to feel whole, and not like a stacking puppet who seems solid and handsome on the outside, but as you open it at the cracks you find different faces and finally on the inside on tiny, insignificant empty little thing that you wouldn't even notice if you lost. And the thing is that I do things that make me happy.
God puts people in your life for a reason and I was trying to figure out the reason for God putting him in my life. I am still trying to figure that one out because right now, it feels like a horrible joke. I am sure one day the reason will be made clear to me or, it may not. I am just trying to make sense out of what has happened and I can't seem to wrap my brain around it. I am tired and heartbroken.
I trust Maria and care about her and everything. Part of me argues that if she didn't want something with me, why'd she put all that effort in ya know? The effort to meet my whole family and get along with them so well. An effort to win their trust and affection. The effort to try and see me when she lived over 40 minutes away if you drive the speed limit. I believe she has good intentions but perhaps I bring the worst out in people. What if I take this awesome, almost perfect, wonderful woman and make her into a monster. What if she stops being so caring and loving and understandin and sweet? Wouldn't that then be my fault? She's a good girl so if she becomes bad, that'd have to be because of me. She understands when I get angry or frustrated or upset. Makes me laugh and smile when I get that way. She makes me happy. She's a total package: great to me, great to my family, She motivates me and makes me feel like I can do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. I don't think I'll ever get married. How many people have said they could see themselves spendin the rest of their lives with me? Now take that number and see how many stuck around. Not one. Not one meant it. Who'd want to marry me? I think I'd be a great husband seein as how I'm a pretty good boyfriend. But whatever.How can a person tell you that they love you and want to marry you and a few weeks later....doesn't want anything to do with you.
You know how sometimes you feel like...the world is just about to fall apart? Like...everything is going to crash and burn...tonight will last forever but not because I want it to. I just hate the way I am.....I keep losing everyone that comes into my life.....I must be a bad person....I must be. What else would someone leave me. Maybe I am the one who afraid to commit....I talk about commmitment all the time. My heart is killing me. I AM A FUCKEN LOSER. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME...I JUST KNOW IT. Maybe that is the lesson I am suppose to learn ...from Maria breaking up with me. I don't know if i can even write in the blog anymore. This whole site was for her........all of my poem....my stories was based on my love for her. My eyes are swollen. I can't handle these emotions....they are killing me. No one can love me enough to be with me forever...with all my mistakes and fuck ups. I wrote the following on Feb 7:
I am so scared.
I am scared of how much i love you, i am scared because right now i am feeling so many things that i am about to explode. I am terrified that maybe you are lying to me. I am so scared that you don't mean when you say you love me. I am shit scared that you'll leave me for someone else. I am going ou of my mind because, what if you still love her? What if you never loved me?? What if i have become addicted to you and now i just cant let go? And to tell you the truth i dont know what i'm writing because all of this is flowing so fast and violently out of me that i can't make out the words being typed, i am staring at the scree. i've been waiting for you all day. WHERE ARE YOU!??!?!?
I am scared of how much i love you, i am scared of the power you hold over me. I am scared that if you were to leave, i'd die. I'd die. I'm past the point of being able to live without you, but i can't tell you this because i don't want you to feel balckmailed or chained to me. I shit scared that just the thought of you leaving makes me want to cry. I don't think i could survive, and i could stop hating my own heart, i could do it.... for you. Just understand that this is all about my fears it has to do WITH ME, not you. You are perfect.
And all of this is getting so redundant and i don't know why i am writing this when there is a huge posibility that you might come across it. What if i am not good enough for you? What if you sudenly realize that i am not who you want? That i was always nothing? Not even your nothing, but plain nothing? What if you don't want nothing anymore? What if you need something for a change? What if you need someone better, someone more handsome, someone who isn't this pervet like me? SOmeone who isn't slim? Someone who won't love you as desperately as I love you?!? I could stop wanting to kill myself. And why the fuck are tears running down my face as i write this?!?!? It's not as if this is a goodbye its just me expressing my fears because i think you will leave me because i am nothing and you deserve everything, for you are the most amazing human being on this planet. You are art. You... you are my everything, as cliché as it may sound. You are nothing's everything. I am so scared that i can't let you go without dying. I can stop lying, I can stop punching my own face, I can stop hating my own heart, I can do it... Because of you, I can stop wanting to kill myself, I can stop wanting your perfect heart, I can do it... Because of you. I can start listening, I can say Hi, I can feel something good....And none of this makes any fucking sense and all i can do is think about you and everytime i think of you i shiver and I am scared that the only thing i want to do is bleed for you, hurt for you, laugh for you... live for you. I am terrified of how much you mean to me and how everything comes down to you... I love you to much for my own good and i am terrified of how utterly in love i am with you, how i'd do anything you asked me to do.
Iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouilovey
Please...
I am so fucking scared.
Someone out there: ANYONE LISTENING TO THIS STUPID BLOG OF MINE. I didn't want to hurt you...Maria. Oh please don't. Please don't. Not now. Don't. Don't let my world fall apart. I don't have anyone else to turn to right now. Don't leave me. Please just don't leave me. Please don't. Now that you are gone...and the thought of facing everything alone scares me. I'm afraid. Don't leave me. I don't want to lose you. I want to tell you that I think you're being fucking selfish. I want to say FUCK U. But I can't. Because I fucking feel for you, you know. But it doesn't matter does it? It won't fucking matter because after this, my world will be no more. I don't want to freaking live forever...not if it's gonna be like this. I feel that this is goodbye. So this is it? I can't believe it. I don't want to believe it but I've already lost you.
I want to truly be able to believe in love. To know that there is a person out there who is deserving of all of what I have to give. Who won't only dish out parts of themselves and hold back with others. I want to be realistic and not blinded by love, but also believe in being swept off of my feet. I want to be laughing on the inside while I laugh on the outside, and not berating myself for being a faker.
I want to feel whole, and not like a stacking puppet who seems solid and handsome on the outside, but as you open it at the cracks you find different faces and finally on the inside on tiny, insignificant empty little thing that you wouldn't even notice if you lost. And the thing is that I do things that make me happy.
God puts people in your life for a reason and I was trying to figure out the reason for God putting him in my life. I am still trying to figure that one out because right now, it feels like a horrible joke. I am sure one day the reason will be made clear to me or, it may not. I am just trying to make sense out of what has happened and I can't seem to wrap my brain around it. I am tired and heartbroken.
Thursday, March 9, 2006
JOURNAL: I AM SOMETIMES LOSING ALL MY HOPE
Long ago I once believed my soulmate would glance at me and that would be it. I made the mistake like many others before me for settling, and my heart paid the price. I do know what it is to have loved and lost, but never let it make me bitter rather it made me consciously want to keep my innocent heart and naive trust for the one person I meet who does see me for who I am, the one that will grow into the powerhouse of a companion for life, one that would never abandon or abuse the woman that looks at me longingly after so many years of companionship. Living in NY is difficult, many people are accustomed to having their guard up constantly, they seem to believe that if by certain number of dates they don't "chemisty" its headed south...Last time I checked, love wasn't a game, nor would I ever want to have it if it was, to me as I mature, its become something deeper than that as you yourself have come to discover. Its more of a rite of passage that one alone will never be able to travel, but truly love is the union of two souls that grow interwined together to become one, they fuse each other.
Today I feel so sad... felt that emptyness, but also there is something that was possibly missed, Many are the days I wonder if I'll ever meet the individual that will walk with me deep n thought and know that perhaps we are thinking the same thing. Often in life we pass by the beauty of things because we covet what is not ours only to realize it down the road after time has passed we unfortunately cannot appreciate it enough. I would hope its not the case, but I myself do it too. Remember not everything is picture perfect. Behind those couples who display their closeness and affection at times are the shadows that they hide from each other, when those shadows grow large enough to reveal themselves, the relationship dies. Movies tend to glorify the message as well, and they to end, happy endings are not always long term and love is a work in progress, the ultimate love is not when it is in the height of bliss, but rather in its perseverence through life's most difficult circumstances.
Love is not a dance on roses, it is hard work, but work you should enjoy. Love is like a flower, if you take care and nourish it, the flower will grow strong and beautiful. But if you forget to water the flower it will slowly start to loose leaf by leaf until it is completely dried out and impossible to bring back to life.
It is frightening to give yourself completely to someone and previous experiences do affect the way we act in new relationships. I am extremely emotional and yes I am scared to get my heart broken, but I rather take the chance than not to experience love. I am not perfect,I may not have all the traits you are looking for, and you might not have all the things I am looking for, but if you love someone you need to accept that persons faults and start loving them instead. I believe most problems and arguments is caused due to lack of communication. Being open and a hundred procent honest with one another is everything in a relationship. We might not agree on everything, but we need to listen, respect and try to understand eachother without judging or trying to change the views of another. However, by having a calm conversation we might open each others eyes and mind to grow in the way we think and see the issue from another point of view that was not obvious before.
I am ready to meet you and see if you are my soulmate.....
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