THOUGHTS: IF IT'S THE LAST GOOD BYE **MARIA BREAKUP***

Everybody's got something they had to LEAVE behind
One REGRET from yesterday that just seems to grow with time
There's no use LOOKING back or wondering
How it could be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find WAYS to let you know

Even though I PRETEND that I've MOVED on
You'll ALWAYS be my BABY
I never found the WORDS to say
You're the one I THINK about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A PART of me will always be with you

Somewhere in my MEMORY
I've LOST all my FEELINGS
And so my road can never be cos yesterday is all that fills my mind
You'll always be the dream that fills my HEAD
Oh baby, you'll always be the one I know I'll never FORGET
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try I just can't say GOODBYE



On Sunday night, I suddenly woke up from my sleep due the stress in me. I couldn't breathe properly and started sweat profusely.Alot of things went through my mind at that point of time. I still have so many things on hand that are going to due for deadlines! I am like oh so dead.The whole thing is draining me emotionally. Do you know hard it is to see you for just a few days and then have you ripped away when I am most happy? Do you realize how difficult the following weeks are for me after you leave, trying to get back to some normal semblance of my life, As much as I want to see you and be with you, it's killing me this way. I can't just have you around a little here and there. I need something consistent....do you understand my hungry for you?

I can't deal with a compromise. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Do you know how that feels, to wake up and long for the touch of somebody you know won't be there? To want to race home after work and share my day only to find an empty room and nobody to share it with? I miss our phone calls at night. I can't do it. I thought I'd be stronger but I'm not. Not when it comes to you.

Now we do what we always said we would do – move on. Slowly wean ourselves off each other. Which i don't want. You told me I am strong and that I will get over you....you are so mistaken.It's so weird it is ending like this. Every woman I have dated, every woman I ever called my girlfriend, ended because she wasn't kind or a liar or too much of something I didn't like. There's none of that with you. That's why it's so…hard. I wish you put me in at ease, even now, when it's all falling apart like I did for you when you were falling apart,...but you don't care. You don't want to see the pain and destruction you left behind....maybe that is why you dump on the phone rather than person. It was easier for you to do that.I had seen a different and unknown side of her. The only thing i dream about is you holding me and finally telling me you love me. Ii think of telling her, but i know if i tell you how bad my heart hurts just thinking about life without you, youll just get weirded out and stop talking to me....which you did. i would never live down baring my soul for you if you rejected me. i hate this

I am just going through the motions. My life has become very passionless, this is so disheartening. If anything sparks something in me though, I'm going to run with it. I just feel like I'm pushing through, running in water. All of my dreams are stressful and are direct mainfestations of how unfulfilled and unstimulated I am feeling lately. It has become physically impossible for me to get a decent night's sleep because of these stressful dreams. I wake up hourly. This is just very bizarre for me. I have honestly never felt like this, at least so consistently. My days are completely void of any sort of joy of any degree. I never really knew that anyone could continuously live like this, but it seems that I am.

I mainly just feel nothing - not apathy, because apathy to some extent is a mode of being, not necessarily outright sad because it's not a sharp sadness - I just mainly feel shut down, numb. On some level I am aware of this, and part of me feels terrified and frantically trying to figure out how to change this, while another part of me has seemingly accepted that this is what it is - just my new way of living. this is completely twilight zone times for me.

The only real emotion or feeling that occasionally breaks through the emptiness is the most intense longing for another person that I've ever experienced. Ok, so it happens more than I'd like to acknowledge. When it hits, it can be a staggering blow. Realizing just how intensely in love with someone you are after they've left and are living a whole new life without you, and you're trying to convince yourself that they are undoubtedly moving on, you will never be an integral part in their life again, and they will grow beyond you to the point where you are just some sad relic is definitely enough to make a person close up emotional shop for a while. I think sometimes if I could just get out of here, if I could just meet new people, if I could just do something new... I know that I can't deny how much of it is because of the lack of my best friend, amazing lover, ultimate accessory, fellow conoisseur of the good life, and comforting and
fulfilling companionship. I think Maria presence intensified the good, and could negate the ill for me.

I hope that sometime soon I get my foothold and can pick back up with being my normal self again. My coping mechanisms aren't honed so well now. I feel weak and uncertain and this is not how I know myself, and not how I would like to see myself. I guess the only thing I can do is
keep pushing through, keep going through the motions, and sometime I suppose I'll start feeling alive again.Regret. The word that i'm afraid of the most. It is worse than being haunted by ghost. It is an emotion that won't let u off and rational thinking can't solve.


Everything's been said and done and I'm still here
I'm here dazed and confused with what's going on in this world...

you can't see the dreams I've made for you,
Oh and I can't imagine a life without you..

Are you still there my love?
I can no longer see you, could no longer grasp you..

Is there a way to get to you?
coz I can't imagine life when you're gone...

I can't imagine life without you...

Hold your soul open for my welcoming.
Let the quiet of your spirit bathe me
With its clear and rippled coolness,
That, loose-limbed and weary, I find rest,
Outstretched upon your peace, as on a bed of ivory.

Let the flickering flame of your soul play all about me,
That into my limbs may come the keenness of fire,
The life and joy of tongues of flame,
And, going out from you, tightly strung and in tune,
I may rouse the blear-eyed world,
And pour into it the beauty which you have begotten




heart:

Once loved, Once broken,

Once torn, Once taken, Once trusted,

Once exposed, Once opened, Never closed....




Some days are worse than others.

Sometimes I can't catch my breathe,
I can't hold back the tears any longer,
I can't stop the pain in my heart from missing you,
I can't stop my mind from thinking about you.

Even now after everything, I can't imagine life without you in it.
I can't picture myself waking up next to anyone else but you.
I miss holding you every morning and waking you up with my kisses.
I miss the sound of your voice in the dark as you tell me you love me
every night.

Everyday I still pray to God that you are safe,
That you will find your way and be successful in everything you do,
That you will find your true love and happiness,
And that I will stop loving you as much as I still do.



Romance is dead, yet i'm trying to live its dream. Oh why do I live in death?Moving on with life without you being in front of my eyes has just become the harshest ever punishment. Happiness hurts. The enormity of which i need not tell you. Just feels like asking for more pain.... just pain.. you're a piece of puzzle in my life . without you, everything is impossible. Here i am again. after a being deprived of what at one time was my sole comfort when i needed to just talk about the simplest and the most complex things that could possibly occur inside my small little head.


How you void me of inspiration. How you heal me and then un-heal me. how the days go by slowly. And my life seems stationary. I don't belong here. And I don't belong to you anymore. But I still feel you pulling at my heart. You left me when I was at my worst. And someone cursed me. And all I can feel is this breeze and I pretend to be fine when people look at me trying to search for a sign of weakness. But days go by and here I am.

I want to sing you're a lazy lullaby and see you fall asleep on you bed. I want to strum on a guitar and see your body move gently while you breathe. I wish I could kiss you while you sleep and walk with you in your dreams. And days go by and I used to think that I could never not think about you. And I'm thinking about you now. You make every word sound like a whisper and make every sentence seem like a word. You make music my food. I know I tremble under your finger tips. Your kisses once pulled at my skin. And you bring out the worst in me. Someone must have cursed me. Days go by and I never thought I would feel this cold in this bitterness. And I'm frozen.

I feel like this must end. Days would go by and I thought I could never live my life without you. But here I am. Living without you. And someone inside me wants to stop breathing