THOUGHTS: IF IT'S THE LAST GOOD BYE (MARCH 12, 2006) **MARIA BREAKUP***

In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round
I stand there for a minute starin’ straight into the ground
Lookin’ to the left slightly, then lookin’ back down
World feels like it’s caved in – proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she’s lookin’ straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she’s lookin’ down at her feet

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

So then I move my hand up from down by my side
It's shakin’, my life is crashin’ before my eyes
Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh
‘Cause I can’t imagine my life without you and me
There’s things I can’t imagine doin’, things I can’t imagine seein’
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, I beg you please
She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested
She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she’s blessed with
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
By pushin’ my hand away to my chest, from hers

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

And I’m just standin’ there, I can’t say a word
‘Cause everythin’s just gone
I’ve got nothin’
Absolutely nothin’

Tryin’ to pull her close out of bare desperation
Put my arms around her tryin’ to change what she’s sayin’
Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in
Look into her eyes to make her listen again
I’m not gonna , just ’ leave it all now
‘Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow
And you’re gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You’re well out of order now, this is well out of town
She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight
Turns around so she’s now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

I know in the past I’ve found it hard to say
Tellin’ you things, but not tellin’ straight
But the more I pull on your hand and say
The more you pull away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now.


PART II

Life without you is like living without oxygen,
Devoid of pleasure, comfort and smile;
Hence, here is a tribute to all that you've given,
Because of you, my life had been worthwhile.

Love is the quality that keeps our passions burning,
Nature is the gift of beauty from the one above;
Seared in memory is the tender soul of a being,
So warm and radiant, like roses and sweet love.

There is a place in this world we all know of,
A place to bury ourselves in timelessness;
In you I felt some kind of bliss that's soft,
Like the feathers of the birds oh so harmonious.

Sunny and clear or cold and bitter,
You seldom expressed your exhaustion from burden;
But it doesn't matter now even that you're not here,
For as long as you're cherished you will never be forgotten


I have always been the one to cry during movies or at weddings. Crying and open displays of vulnerability. After a lot of introspection and years of intensive self therapy, I have realised a lot of it has to do with my upbringing and having been raised in a family where I was my own source of solace and comfort. My parents raised me as best they could and to the best of their knowledge. There were no child-rearing handbooks at that time and some of the techniques of discipline which they dispensed would nowadays be looked upon with disdain. I love my parents deeply, but the emotional scars still run deep and it is a journey on my part to rid myself of the damage and pain that still resides in me. I am working towards that goal, and part of the journey is realising that I still associate feeling and emotional availability to vulnerability and to a difficult past. Over the years and over time, you build up a protective wall, and unchecked, that wall becomes menacing and prevents you from getting inside yourself. I have also realised that the pain and sorrow that we keep in ourselves become insidious and malignant, seeping into different aspects of your life without you even realising it. Like a cancer, it overtakes you and soon you lose site of the good and beautiful things that exist around you. And those walls were broken down my Joanne, Melissa, and Maria.

Yesterday after Maria called me the night before I suddenly became acutely aware of my surroundings and where I was in my life. My personal history, my childhood, my job, my relationship and my future all loomed over me and it was overwhelming and I experienced a panic attack. I became dizzy and nauseous. My heart was racing and my breathing was laboured and I began to feel waves of emotions that I had never felt before.I called my sister up and she took hold of me and helping me breathe and telling me to relax and to let things go. She responded with such kindness and compassion, and suddenly the floodgates opened and I began to feel things that I had never allowed myself to feel before. I began to cry.

But it was no ordinary cry, for it was no ordinary moment.

The years of untouched emotional sediment began to come undone and the emotional sludge began to loosen. So much pain. So much hurt. So much unacknowledged emotional baggage began to release itself. The pain coursed through my body and I responded viscerally. My Soul began to weep and sob and I remember sobbing and screaming that it "hurts so much", and Maria had someone how touch a core in me. My sister telling me to "Let it Go". I released with such ferocity that my body convulsed and every ounce of energy that I had put into keeping that wall up, was let go.

Twenty or thirty minutes later the sobbing stopped and quiet fell in my exhaustion. I could barely move and the weight of my body pulled me into a deep sleep. Realising that a large part of that emotional barrier had been removed, was profoundly intimate and calming. I went to sleep early last night. When I woke the following morning, I felt different. There was a new sense of understanding in the knowledge that I HAD acknowledged my past and present and that there was a future for me. For many years I was always aware of myself, but rarely did I ever Acknowledge myself.

Without sounding like a new-age nut, I feel different. Things are even brighter than they were and the sensation and touch of my new found spirit is exciting. I can't describe it intelligibly, but I suppose it can be likened to an archaelogical expedition, where you are in search of a long lost treasure. I have found that well of emotion that I have hidden for so long and am now beginning to make peace with it.

Though there times when i can actually post an entry and share whatever goes on my mind, but i preffered not to. I write about relationship and love and sex...and not really write about me...my writing is raw and scary. I am emotionally, physically and academically stressed. I feel danger, angst, paranoia, rejection and loneliness. But now i am ready. Ready to let the whole world know what i want them to know and what i want them to see. I am alone.


Now i know what my fear is. I fear losing people. I fear rejection. I fear being lonely. I am selfish, i know. I was never contented with my disposition in life...maybe that is why when I felt Maria wasn't into me enough...I felt like I had to talk her into spending more time with me..... like a saleperson...trying to sell myself...I went back to online dating. I felt one day she would leave me and she did. She didn't want to get married in one year but in two. She really didn't want to live in Long Island. She had driving issues with coming to see me. She had issues about being with her and her family. She had issues about me. She didn't want me at the end.She had family issues that effected her. She couldn't commit to me. When someone loves you...they want to be with you all the time. Yes..we did talk on the phone everyday, but I needed more. I felt so rejected. 

Call me stupid for not being able to understand things. Call me immature for not taking your decisions in a matured way, i just can't. Call me selfish for not being able to let you go in my hands. Call me pathetic for not moving on life without you. Call me anything you want, but please never call me your "ex-friend".

I want to hate you, but i couldn't. I want you not to leave me, but i couldn't. I want to put things on where they used to be placed, but i couldn't. I want to pretend that i'm ok without you, but i couldn't.

I don't want you to see me in a pitiful state but if this is the only way for us not to drift away, then i will.

Please, don't say goodbye.

You've said your goodbyes, your farewells. But i never say mine, 'cause i don't want to drift away. Away from you, away from our bond and away from our love

Where is me? Isn't it unfair on my part making a desicion like this without me how and why this love will end. I knew your own reasons, but have heard mine? You never did. I understand.

Don't call yourselves "unworthy" for the love, you were. Don't call yourselves "not good enough", 'cause you were. 

We are all selfish, admit it. That's why this "drifting" doesn't give much "ok-ness" on us.

You are selfish 'cause you wanted to search for your identity. You were selfish for having the decision without thinking (i'm not actually saying "without", but partially, i think) the consequences after the decision-making. I was hurt. I am hurt. She is hurt, i know. And you, i don't know if you were hurt or what, 'cause it's your decision, right?

You, you are selfish. I know you. You pretend that you are ok and things are ok. You pretend that you can leave alone thinking and thinking. But admit it that your "thinking" makes you realize how lonely you were. Loneliness, i know you hate it but you resist the idea, right? I am selfish for not moving on life without you. Selfish for making me feel that i'm not enough. I am selfish 'cause i don't want to suffer this feeling.

We are all selfish. But one should go down to fix things up.

Maria told me I should start a new life without her cos "you want me to be happy"...I try to be logical and tell myselft that it won't be forever, but that's not much comfort when I really need to touch you and kiss you and love you...Sometimes I close my eyes and hold a picture of you in my mind and imagine all the things I'd say if I had you here....but no matter how beautiful the picture is, it will never compare to the real thing, to looking into your eyes and whispering your name and kissing your lips...I miss her so much and I can't wait for the day when I can stop holding on to a daydream and start holding her in my arms again...forever but it won't happen

I wish I could go back in time...back to those unspoiled moments in our relationship....because if I could go back and start from those moments once more, I would hold you longer, never miss a chance to tell you how much you mean to me...and I would never, ever let you down...But I know we can't go back to those days. I know I can't wake up and find that it was just a dream (of losing you). I can't go back there again...I can't take away the pains....and I can't go back to the fearful days we both had...I can't go back and make it better for us.

Sometimes I find myself talking to you thoughout the day - imagining conversations we might be having...Sometimes I walk into a room, Barnes and Nobles ,Banana Repulic, and hope you will magically be there...and run to me and ease the emptiness I feel without you...Sometimes, no all the time, I miss you more than words can express...But more than that, always


Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you

I heard the words come out
I thought that I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you

Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken

I'd give anything now
to kill those words for you

Each time I say something I regret I cry I don't want to lose you.
But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah.

'Cause you were made for me
Somehow I'll make you see
How happy you make me

I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive

So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry..

And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you

(c) Evanescence - Forgive Me


You know, when it rains, it pours