I trust Maria and care about her and everything. Part of me argues that if she didn't want something with me, why'd she put all that effort in ya know? The effort to meet my whole family and get along with them so well. An effort to win their trust and affection. The effort to try and see me when she lived over 40 minutes away if you drive the speed limit. I believe she has good intentions but perhaps I bring the worst out in people. What if I take this awesome, almost perfect, wonderful woman and make her into a monster. What if she stops being so caring and loving and understandin and sweet? Wouldn't that then be my fault? She's a good girl so if she becomes bad, that'd have to be because of me. She understands when I get angry or frustrated or upset. Makes me laugh and smile when I get that way. She makes me happy. She's a total package: great to me, great to my family, She motivates me and makes me feel like I can do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. I don't think I'll ever get married. How many people have said they could see themselves spendin the rest of their lives with me? Now take that number and see how many stuck around. Not one. Not one meant it. Who'd want to marry me? I think I'd be a great husband seein as how I'm a pretty good boyfriend. But whatever.How can a person tell you that they love you and want to marry you and a few weeks later....doesn't want anything to do with you.
You know how sometimes you feel like...the world is just about to fall apart? Like...everything is going to crash and burn...tonight will last forever but not because I want it to. I just hate the way I am.....I keep losing everyone that comes into my life.....I must be a bad person....I must be. What else would someone leave me. Maybe I am the one who afraid to commit....I talk about commmitment all the time. My heart is killing me. I AM A FUCKEN LOSER. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME...I JUST KNOW IT. Maybe that is the lesson I am suppose to learn ...from Maria breaking up with me. I don't know if i can even write in the blog anymore. This whole site was for her........all of my poem....my stories was based on my love for her. My eyes are swollen. I can't handle these emotions....they are killing me. No one can love me enough to be with me forever...with all my mistakes and fuck ups. I wrote the following on Feb 7:
I am so scared.
I am scared of how much i love you, i am scared because right now i am feeling so many things that i am about to explode. I am terrified that maybe you are lying to me. I am so scared that you don't mean when you say you love me. I am shit scared that you'll leave me for someone else. I am going ou of my mind because, what if you still love her? What if you never loved me?? What if i have become addicted to you and now i just cant let go? And to tell you the truth i dont know what i'm writing because all of this is flowing so fast and violently out of me that i can't make out the words being typed, i am staring at the scree. i've been waiting for you all day. WHERE ARE YOU!??!?!?
I am scared of how much i love you, i am scared of the power you hold over me. I am scared that if you were to leave, i'd die. I'd die. I'm past the point of being able to live without you, but i can't tell you this because i don't want you to feel balckmailed or chained to me. I shit scared that just the thought of you leaving makes me want to cry. I don't think i could survive, and i could stop hating my own heart, i could do it.... for you. Just understand that this is all about my fears it has to do WITH ME, not you. You are perfect.
And all of this is getting so redundant and i don't know why i am writing this when there is a huge posibility that you might come across it. What if i am not good enough for you? What if you sudenly realize that i am not who you want? That i was always nothing? Not even your nothing, but plain nothing? What if you don't want nothing anymore? What if you need something for a change? What if you need someone better, someone more handsome, someone who isn't this pervet like me? SOmeone who isn't slim? Someone who won't love you as desperately as I love you?!? I could stop wanting to kill myself. And why the fuck are tears running down my face as i write this?!?!? It's not as if this is a goodbye its just me expressing my fears because i think you will leave me because i am nothing and you deserve everything, for you are the most amazing human being on this planet. You are art. You... you are my everything, as cliché as it may sound. You are nothing's everything. I am so scared that i can't let you go without dying. I can stop lying, I can stop punching my own face, I can stop hating my own heart, I can do it... Because of you, I can stop wanting to kill myself, I can stop wanting your perfect heart, I can do it... Because of you. I can start listening, I can say Hi, I can feel something good....And none of this makes any fucking sense and all i can do is think about you and everytime i think of you i shiver and I am scared that the only thing i want to do is bleed for you, hurt for you, laugh for you... live for you. I am terrified of how much you mean to me and how everything comes down to you... I love you to much for my own good and i am terrified of how utterly in love i am with you, how i'd do anything you asked me to do.
Iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouilovey
Please...
I am so fucking scared.
Someone out there: ANYONE LISTENING TO THIS STUPID BLOG OF MINE. I didn't want to hurt you...Maria. Oh please don't. Please don't. Not now. Don't. Don't let my world fall apart. I don't have anyone else to turn to right now. Don't leave me. Please just don't leave me. Please don't. Now that you are gone...and the thought of facing everything alone scares me. I'm afraid. Don't leave me. I don't want to lose you. I want to tell you that I think you're being fucking selfish. I want to say FUCK U. But I can't. Because I fucking feel for you, you know. But it doesn't matter does it? It won't fucking matter because after this, my world will be no more. I don't want to freaking live forever...not if it's gonna be like this. I feel that this is goodbye. So this is it? I can't believe it. I don't want to believe it but I've already lost you.
I want to truly be able to believe in love. To know that there is a person out there who is deserving of all of what I have to give. Who won't only dish out parts of themselves and hold back with others. I want to be realistic and not blinded by love, but also believe in being swept off of my feet. I want to be laughing on the inside while I laugh on the outside, and not berating myself for being a faker.
I want to feel whole, and not like a stacking puppet who seems solid and handsome on the outside, but as you open it at the cracks you find different faces and finally on the inside on tiny, insignificant empty little thing that you wouldn't even notice if you lost. And the thing is that I do things that make me happy.
God puts people in your life for a reason and I was trying to figure out the reason for God putting him in my life. I am still trying to figure that one out because right now, it feels like a horrible joke. I am sure one day the reason will be made clear to me or, it may not. I am just trying to make sense out of what has happened and I can't seem to wrap my brain around it. I am tired and heartbroken.
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