PERSONAL/JOURNAL/ LOVE/ DATING: THIS SEARCH FOR LOVE

I have been on this journey in search of love for as long as I can remember.  The great love.  The Notebook, Nicholas Sparks happy ending love.The love that gets you out of the bed in the middle of the night to drive ten hours.  The love that has us on the living room floor thankful in laughter. Foolish boy as I was, I thought across the decades I had found it. So many long term relationships, was married once before. Each time, more hopeful and when it turned out not to be it, not to be the love of a lifetime, I felt like less of myself. It’s that going back and forth.  It’s the watching of others coupling and doing all of the things you want to do. I think you reach a point when you wonder when is it my turn?.  And it’s not just that, it’s that your friends wonder when it will be your turn too.  They gently prod and ask. They worry about the dating decisions you’re making. When I tell you I have done some crazy shit in the name of love? There isn’t anything you can tell me you’ve done that I haven’t done or came close to doing.  There isn’t much I haven’t considered doing. You see, the way I’m wired – I will do anything for love.  I will do whatever I need to do to make sure the one I love knows they’re loved.  Call me a fool, but I would rather be a fool with the love of my life in my bed than the smartest person in the room who has no one to go home to.I  have always search for someone to appreciate me in a way I hadn’t seen before. I’ve given multiple chances when there shouldn’t have been any. I’ve dealt with ridiculous rules, dates, orders and mandates – all in the hopes the woman I loved would love me. I’ve laughed a lot. I’ve cried – a lot. I can honestly admit I’ve been flipped inside out.

The reality is my love story is still unfolding. It’s just those of us who manage to have our hopes high and our love quotient even higher are always willing to think, to believe that it’s a miracle I mean, for me – love is all consuming.  Like a Phoenix who catches fire.  I forego everything for someone else when I’m in love.  I’m servant by nature. But I want someone who wants to serve me the same way. For so many of us, love has either become all we think about and all we focus on or we’ve abandoned the idea of it completely.  What if we’re supposed to live fully without it?  Could you deal and handle that idea?  I can't

We are always searching for the intimate and close love. A love transcending time, circumstance and even death.  The wife who validates you, who sees you intimately.  Who loves you in a way no other person can.  Although she hasn’t found me yet – or maybe she has – and hasn’t told me, I will honestly tell you I look for it every day – still.  Around every corner.  In the eyes of those I love.  I look for it.  I can’t help it.  I think it’s part of my path. But the things I’ve learned along the way in search of the perfect love, have ultimately taught me I was loved.  I am loved in ways I hadn’t thought possible.  It’s taught me about love, about myself and about the things we most yearn for in the quiet hours of our lives.