JOURNAL/LOVE: WHY DO I KEEP ATTRACTING THE SAME TYPE OF PEOPLE AND WHAT I AM GOING TO DO ABOUT IT

I keep attracting the same type of people. Woman who tell me they are

-ready for serious relationship
-love sex
-live a simply life
-and know how to love
-submissive ..let the man be the man in the relationship

What i get is the total opposite...there got to be  reason. My ex was like this, my last girlfriend, the woman who respond to my profile.

Step 1:

You cannot dodge responsibility for how and why your life is the way it is. If you don't like your job, you are accountable. If you are overweight, you are accountable. If you are not happy, you are accountable. if you attract the same type of woman...you are accountable. I am creating the situations I am in and the emotions that flow from those situations.

I can't  play the role of victim, or use past events to build excuses. It guarantees me no progress, no healing, and no victory. You will never fix a problem by blaming someone else. Whether the cards you've been dealt are good or bad, you're in charge of yourself now.

Every choice you make " including the thoughts you think " has consequences. When you choose the behavior or thought, you choose the consequences. If you choose to stay with a destructive partner, then you choose the consequences of pain and suffering. If you choose thoughts contaminated with anger and bitterness, then you will create an experience of alienation and hostility. When you start choosing the right behavior and thoughts " which will take a lot of discipline " you'll get the right consequences.


Step 2:

Even the most destructive behaviors have a payoff. If you did not perceive the behavior in question to generate some value to you, you would not do it. If you want to stop behaving in a certain way, you've got to stop "paying yourself off" for doing it.

Find and control the payoffs, because you can't stop a behavior until you recognize what you are gaining from it. Payoffs can be as simple as money gained by going to work to psychological payoffs of acceptance, approval, praise, love or companionship. It is possible that you are feeding off unhealthy, addictive and imprisoning payoffs, such as self-punishment or distorted self-importance.

What payoff am I getting out of these woman:

-Being accepted and not rejected.Be alert to the possibility that your behavior is controlled by fear of rejection. It's easier not to change
-Not being alone
-Sex

But is it worth the suffering that I go through. The lack of control in the relationship. The feeling that I have to give in so they don't leave...or that they will still love me? Am I that love hungry?

Is my need for immediate gratification creates an appetite for a small payoff now rather than a large payoff later.


Step 3:

You cannot change what you do not acknowledge.

I have to get real with myrself about life and everybody in it. I am going to be more truthful about what isn't working in my life and stop making excuses and start making results.

If you're unwilling or unable to identify and consciously acknowledge your negative behaviors, characteristics or life patterns, then you will not change them. (In fact, they will only grow worse and become more entrenched in your life.) You've got to face it to replace it.

Acknowledgment means slapping yourself in the face with the brutal reality, admitting that you are getting payoffs for what you are doing, and giving yourself a no-kidding, bottom-line truthful confrontation. You cannot afford the luxury of lies, denial or defensiveness.

I AM NOT GOING TO GET INVOLVE WITH WOMAN WHO I KNOW FROM THE BEGINNING ARE TELLING THEMSELVES LIES AND TELLING ME LIES.



Step 4:

Life rewards action.
Learn that the world couldn't care less about thoughts without actions. Talk is cheap. It's what you do that determines the script of your life. Translate your insights, understandings and awareness into purposeful, meaningful, constructive actions. They are of no value until then. Measure yourself and others based on results " not intentions or words.

I am going to use my pain  to propel me out of the situation I am in and to get to where I want to be. The same pain that burdens me now could be turned to my advantage. It may be the very motivation that I  need to change my life.


Step 5:

There is no reality, only perception.
Strategy: Identify the filters through which you view the world. Acknowledge your history without being controlled by it.

I experience this world only through the perceptions that I create. I have the ability to choose how I perceive any event in my life, and I exercise this power of choice in every circumstance, every day of my life. No matter what the situation, I choose my reaction, assigning meaning and value to an event.

 If you continue to view the world through a filter created by past events, then you are allowing your past to control and dictate both your present and your future. Filters are made up of fixed beliefs, negative ideas that have become entrenched in your thinking. They are dangerous because if you treat them as fact, you will not seek, receive or process new information, which undermines your plans for change. If you "shake up" your belief system by challenging these views and testing their validity, the freshness of your perspective can be startling.


Step 6:

Life is managed; it is not cured.

You are a life manager, and your objective is to actively manage your life in a way that generates high-quality results. You are your own most important resource for making your life work. Success is a moving target that must be tracked and continually pursued.

Effective life management means you need to require more of yourself in your grooming, self-control, emotional management, interaction with others, work performance, dealing with fear, and in every other category you can think of. You must approach this task with the most intense commitment, direction and urgency you can muster.

The key to managing your life is to have a strategy. If you have a clear-cut plan, and the courage, commitment and energy to execute that strategy, you can flourish. If you don't have a plan, you'll be a stepping stone for those who do. You can also help yourself as a life manager if you manage your expectations. If you don't require much of yourself, your life will be of poor quality. If you have unrealistic standards, then you are adding to your difficulties.

I AM A GREAT CATCH. AND I NEED A WOMAN WHO SEE THAT IN ME.
-Healthy
-Smart
-Attractive
-Close Family
-Doctor
-Great Job
-Have a House
-Have some money in the bank
-Kind
-Caring
-Spiritual
-Giving
-I don't drink, smoke or drink
-I don't cheat at all



I can hold out. I will exercise more...mediate more..masturbate more, become more spiritual.


Step 7:

We teach people how to treat us.
Rather than complain about, how people treat me...i am going to learn to renegotiate my relationships to have what I want.

You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.

If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling " and then get their way " you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior.

NO MORE WILL I ACCEPT
-Someone who loves sex....but really doesn't. They won't want to do it all the time...experiment....ect...

-Someone who isn't honest with me...(excuse are now unacceptable.... ..like  selective amnesia - amnesia about particular events that is very convenient for the person who cannot remember;"why do politicians always develop selective amnesia when questioned about their transgressions?")

-Someone who doesn't give me a straight answer.  Why do politicians never give a straight answer? They always avoid the issue by changing the point of the question. They are banned from using the words "yes" or "no" and unless they are able to see a prepared question they will suffer with brain-loss. They are all educated in "window dressing" in order to become "honourable" and at the same time "deceitful". They are strangers to the truth. In never answering the question, politicians can garner support from two sides: where normally it would be polemical. When a politician is forced to give an answer, say on the pro-life issues, he might lose support from one side or the other. Why a politician will not give a straight answer is because they never know the answer they have given will come back and haunt them!
What's so funny is the expect honesty from you but can't give you a straight answer.

-Someone who bully me into doing something I don't want to do.. I will do something because I want to. If she want to go out to dinner or movie, or anything else. I will tell her to plan it ....arrange travel and pay for it. If she can't then she should keep her mouth shut. I will share what I like with her and she will share what she like with me.

-Someone who isn't giving. If I see she is not giving with cards, letters, MP3, making breakfast in bed.,,books...just bring something small or big.. I am not the only one who will keep doing this....I will do it in the beginning,,,,,but if i see I am the only one doing it...i will stop
With my last relationship....I sent her ebooks, MP3, love letters, text her ..call her. take her to places and ate her pussy all the time and made her cum. It can't be one side giving. Yes she cook for me twice..and wrote me before ...but if the giving isn't constant.....it just unfair.


Step 8:

There is power in forgiveness.

Hate, anger and resentment are destructive, eating away at the heart and soul of the person who carries them. They are absolutely incompatible with your own peace, joy and relaxation. Ugly emotions change who you are and contaminate every relationship you have. They can also take a physical toll on your body, including sleep disturbance, headaches, back spasms, and even heart attacks.

Forgiveness sets you free from the bonds of hatred, anger and resentment. The only way to rise above the negatives of a relationship in which you were hurt is to take the moral high ground, and forgive the person who hurt you.

Forgiveness is not about another person who has transgressed against you; it is about you. Forgiveness is about doing whatever it takes to preserve the power to create your own emotional state. It is a gift to yourself and it frees you. You don't have to have the other person's cooperation, and they do not have to be sorry or admit the error of their ways. Do it for yourself.

I FORGIVE MY EX WIFE AND ALL MY EX GIRLFRIEND. TODAY...I WILL HOLD NO MORE ANGRY FOR THEM LYING TO ME...WASTING MY TIME.....PLAYING WITH MY HEART.

I am searching for my future wife/soulmate. Please stop by again.

JOURNAL/LOVE: MOST WOMAN LIE AND BULLSHIT

In the best selling book The Four Agreements don Miguel Ruiz gives four principles to practice in order to create love and happiness in your life. The number one rule is

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity.

Stephen Covey is credited with making the term "Emotional Bank Account" or EBA popular. Here is something Covey says about trust and EBA's

If you have lost someone's trust....

Examine your Emotional Bank Account with this person; it’s most likely strained because of withdrawals. Make a commitment to start making deposits that matter most to that person, and do it. Little by little, even with small deposits, you will find that the account will grow. It may take time. But over time you will find the cumulative effect of the deposits.

Covey also says "When you make consistent deposits, out of your integrity and out of your empathy.." then, "little by little you can restore trust."

When you are kind, honest, caring and friendly to another person, you make deposits on an Emotional Bank Account. However, if you are unkind, disrespectful, uncaring and mean, you draw from this account.

It is easy to take another person, a spouse or friend, a relative or anyone we deal with, for granted. Yet, the level of good will that exists in the relationship determines the well-being and ease we feel. It provides the foundation we can build on.

We don’t need money to make a deposit on the Emotional Bank Account of any relationship, and won’t feel richer if we withdraw from it. Nevertheless, it is so easy to waste and erode the level of trust by being thoughtless and critical.

Imagine, a kind word, a compliment, a smile, all add up; while putting down or blaming someone takes away.

When we have a comfortable wealth on our emotional bank account, the relationship is stable so that we can afford to have disagreements or arguments, without immediately seeing red and/or throwing the baby out with the bath-water. Conflicts can be resolved. But when our account is low or even overdrawn, the relationship is in danger. We can’t afford any more withdrawals and need to be mindful to make deposits again, so it can be salvaged and survive.


COMMON LIES WOMAN SAY TO ME:

1-I am submissive: What does submissive mean?

From the Latin word submittō, meaning to yield, submissive is an adjective that describes one who submits; one who is meekly obedient to others

Submission means to voluntarily place oneself under the authority of another.

Colossians 3:18-19 reads, "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them." Ephesians 5:22-29 (excerpts) says, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church...(25), Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her... husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies..." (I encourage you to read the whole passage).

Being submissive, to me, means you trust the other person enough to let him take the lead (at least in some situations).

I think it is required at a level that will show enough trust to your partner, but I don't think a 100% submission would be a good thing. If you never have a say, if you don't have an opinion or you don't have a clue, then what's the whole point of you being submissive? To me, there is value in being submissive when you deliberately choose to trust your partner for the decision he is making. It means that if you see some big red flags, you'll let him know and you'll still use your free will to make decision, though it doesn't mean you'll be submissive only when you agree with him. It's a balance between a lot of things, but basically, I'd say it would be important to show this trust in situations when you wouldn't make the same decision as he does, but you still decide to trust him and follow him.

Submission is a willingness to let the husband take the lead in the home. Taking the lead means being personally responsible and accountable for the home, not being the absolute power and authority in the home like men would like it to mean. That is surrender and domination not submission. You can’t force a woman to be submissive, it is something she does willingly.

A happy wife who is loved so much by her husband will not hesitate to do anything for him and will submit to him without being constantly reminded or told.

Submissiveness on the part of women does not mean that their voice and opinion cannot be heard in the family unlike as many people assume. She has every right to make her opinion on issues know to the husband, but submission lets her support/accept her husband's decision even if it did not include her opinion most times. I for one love to listen would to my partner's view on issues before taking my stand on most issues, even if i may not completely buy into it. You never can tell, her opinion could turn out to be the best solution to the problem.


But what do I get....reisistance. Most woman say they are submissive, but are NOT. There can be only captain in a ship. If you have two captain...there will be fight for power.  A man needs to be a man.


2-I love sex

I love sex...and I love doing it all the time. When you love something....you want to be good at it. ....you want to do it all the time. But then you look at their action. It is the total opposite. You want to have sex and they don't. They barely give you a blow job....that doesn't sound like someone who loves sex. And to me...sex is the way two people become one. So don't bullshit me if you say you love sex...but don't give me access to your pussy and mouth

It suck when you are in a marriage or relationship where you get very very little sex. And maybe this is why I want to marry a bad slutty girl...because bad girls loves sex...they love having it all the time....they understand  how important it is to have it all the time...to make your man happy. They have no problem wear a short dress and no underwear and never say NO to you..OH yes..they love DICK..they love it in their mouth or pussy...and you don't have to earn it...you don't have to constantly taking them out or doing things to get that pussy or mouth



3-I live a simple life

Simple living encompasses
-reducing one's possessions or increasing self-sufficiency, for example. Simple living may be characterized by individuals being satisfied with what they need rather than want
-refraining from luxury and indulgence,

Simple living is distinct from those living in forced poverty, as it is a voluntary lifestyle choice.

What is “voluntary simplicity”? My definition is quite short: the lifelong process of choosing to live a simple life. The next part would be to define “simple”. I personally believe we all have to define that for ourselves. My choices may not match anyone else’s lifestyle choices, and that’s ok. You have to look at your values and base your choices in life on what’s right for you.

A “simple” life is not necessarily an easier life, but should be working toward a less stressful life. It’s a lifelong journey of consciously choosing the way in which you live including how you react to and interact with others, consume products, participate in relationships or end relationships, activities you participate in, and how you determine what brings you joy.

To me, simple living is to live without stress. It doesn’t mean living without any effort or labor. But to live a life devoid of the kind of complications that rob you of peace and enjoyment is to live a simple life. It is a mindset, really. A complicated life is filled with fretful thoughts and anxious activities as one tries to keep up a frantic pace, so much so that there is no time to enjoy the act of living. Sadly, many people have become so accustomed to their manic lifestyles that they don’t know the true peace and fulfillment that they are missing. They are addicted to stress like they are addicted to their morning caffeine fix, text messaging

A simple life is rich with satisfaction and rife with contentment and appreciation. Regardless of the balance in your bank account or the type of car in your garage. Or your professional or social status.

Beyond that, you define what is simple. For some of you, living without a car creates more complications and stress while for others, not having a car eliminates the costs, both financial and environmental, that weigh heavily on their conscience

To me...a simple life means being happy wherever you are. You can be at home, or in the park...or whatever. There is no need to do anything....you just need to be. There is no need to go out to dinner, go to the park, or even to the movies. You are just happy with what you have and where you are.



4- I know how to love.

So many woman tell me they love me but never showed it.  It all words to them

Number one rule of love...is they never leave you. If you love someone....you can't stand being away from them. You don't need a break or time out  They will rather die than leave you a break your heart.

Relationships are an investment. The more you put in, the more you can get back. Just like in Eddie Murphy movie-A Thousand Words.....Show them—don't just tell them—how much they mean to you.

The quality of the relationship is a function of the extent to which it is built on a solid underlying friendship and meets the needs of the two people involved. Are you meeting your partner's needs? Are your needs being met? What are they? After you know partner's needs, if you find yourselves still frustrated, realize that it's not that you can't meet your partner's needs, it's that you won't. Think about why you haven't yet.

I listen to my partner's need. One of my partner said that I didn't take her out...since I was a home body....yet every two weeks or so...i took her for lunch, movies, park....yet it still wasn't enough for her and  I was still planing more stuff for us but everything I did wasn't enough.. Every time she got in the car, she wanted to go somewhere. When I wanted to cook for her..she still wanted to go out.

One weekend..she actually did what I wanted and we stay in and had sex all weekend...minus the oral sex..which SUCKED BIG TIME.

And you know what happens when your partner thinks that you no longer willing to give them what they need.....they  try to coerce you into caring through criticism, intimidation, shame, withdrawal, crying, anger—whatever works. This power struggle may continue for years, but it can end because of the love you have for each other.The emotional bond created by romantic love evolves into a powerful organic bond through the process of resolving conflict, One has to give in to the other but when no one wants to give it....it just continue with conflict.

It shouldn't matter why your partner needs what he or she needs.  If one of your kids got up in the middle of the night and said, "I'm thirsty," would you just turn around and say, "Well, I'm not, so go back to bed"? The key is to appreciate your partner's individuality. Don't expect your partner to react exactly as you would; your partner isn't you!

I remember one partner where I said,  "You only sucked my dick twice" (I felt rejected) she turned around and tell me.."what!!! are you counting? and...You don't even like it when I suck your dick" Ouch!!!!!!!.,,,,I will never ask anything sexual from you again. It always the same....they never listen to me....and then woman wonder why men cheat....because they don't listen..they don't care....Is that love.....NO!!!!!!!!!  To be married or in a relationship with someone who doesn't give a shit about your need...is horrible and to think you have to spend the rest of life...blowjobless is a nighmare.

Think about the message you're sending your partner when you don't acknowledge his or her wants. How does this make your partner feel? How would it make you feel? When I realized how little she thought of my needs...i wanted to do less.

As much as I like to be in control and looking for someone submissive..I always comprise. I give in and the relationship become 70- 80% percent her and 20% me....maybe that is why I need someone submissive. Because I am tired of giving in....I loved them and gave in to me....but except for like two people in my life. Everyone else want to take ..take ..take.

Listen...if a girl want to go to the movies, dinner or go out ..then why not you do all the work. Decide where to go, take me there and pay for the movie. Stop telling me what to do. I hate when someone tell me what to do....but woman are smart..they don't tell you..they make suggestion...in a question form. If that whats makes you happy..going out to dinner...then share that experience with me and you take care of all the detail.

That is what I do. I share what I like to do..but planning and paying for the whole things. That is comprise. We do what you want...and we do what i want.....not always what you want.

Know that you can fulfill your partner's wants. But by prioritizing your needs alone, you're making the conscious decision to not to fulfil his or her wants. Try talking about both of your needs and wants. Find the middle ground.

It's important to connect emotionally with your partner and communicate your needs and wants in the bedroom. Bring your emotions, desires, fantasies and inhibitions to each other, allowing you to listen to your partner's thoughts and sharing your own too. Lose the sexual and nonsexual distractions, and get down to the bare, honest truth about how pleasure is factoring into your relationships,

I remember watching the Oprah show one time and they said....you can predict how an evening with your partner will be based on the first four minutes of your time together, so make those minutes count! Bring flowers. Greet each other with a compliment. Ask questions about your partner's day. Smile; it'll make a difference.

Research shows that you must be nice to your partner to have a happy marriage. "The little things matter,...you have to do nice things often. But it's harder to be nice when the heat is on, when you're really angry or when something has happened for the 15th time. Nevertheless, the balance must be heavily, heavily stacked in the positive to have a happy marriage

You know...only one person ..ever made me breakfast in bed,
only one person ever gave me a morning blowjob
only one person got me cards on a regular basis
only one person got me gave me phone sex on a regular basis
only one person got me books

all of those things....didn't take alot of money or no money at all. This is what I am saying.

I wrote this in my other post:

There are really only two type of love. There will be some people you love because of what you get from them: what they give you, the way they make you feel. This is perhaps the majority of love the 99%—which is also what makes much of love so unstable. A person’s capacity to give is inconstant and changing. Your response to what you are given is also inconstant and changing. So if you’re chasing a feeling, you’ll always be chasing. No feeling is ever constant. If love is dependent on this, it too becomes inconstant and changing. And just like everything in this world, the more you chase it, the more it will run away from you.This is they type of relationship I had most of my life.

But, once in a while, people enter your life that you love—not for what they give you—but for what they are. The beauty you see in them is a reflection of the God, so you love them. It is easy for you to love someone. Now suddenly it isn’t about what you’re getting, but rather what you can give. This is unselfish love. This second type of love is the most rare. And if it is based in, and not competing with, the love of God, it will also bring about the most joy. To love in any other way is to need, to be dependent, to have expectations—all the ingredients for misery and disappointment.Only 1% of woman rest here.


Dr. Phil  wrote in his book...Relationship Recuse about talking with and listening to your partner, including insisting on emotional integrity and the importance of being a two-way, not a one-way, communicator. "Mean what you say and say what you mean," he says.

QUOTE: “You must put motion into your emotion. Every day, at every step along the way in your relationship, you must ask yourself, ‘Is what I’m doing and what I’m saying bringing us closer together, or pushing us further apart?’ Every day, at every step along the way, you must ask of yourself, ‘Is what I’m doing helping us thrive in new ways as a couple, or am I keeping us stuck in our old patterns?’”

I am searching for my future wife/soulmate. Please stop by again.

LOVE: DR. PHIL WAY OF SAVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Introduction:

• the following is my analysis of Dr McGraw's book, I am pretty sure he won't mind me promoting his book as although there following is a reasonable summary, you really need to read his book to fully understand what he is getting at, and if you haven't read it, and this makes sense to you & you overcome any misconceptions of the good doctor, then I'm sure you will want to check it out.
• there is only one thing worse than a relationship in trouble, and that is a relationship in trouble and you are in denial.
• if you are to successfully rescue your relationship & reconnect with your partner, you have to get real about you, that means 100%, drop-dead, no-kidding real - no defensiveness, no denial - total honesty with yourself.
• the vehicle to achieving rescue of your relationship is you, not you and your partner, you.
• reconnecting with your partner will not happen if you do not reconnect with yourself first.
• you can change your partner from daylight to dark, you can dump your partner and trade up to a better one, but it wont make a damn difference unless and until you decide to clean house inside yourself first.
• this journey does not begin with you and your partner, it begins with you.
• you have to take your power back and become the kind of person who commands quality, inspires respect, and settles for nothing less than an active and abiding love.
• that change begins from the inside out as you get back in touch with who you are & as you decide what to do with your love, your life, your vision. Your clarity and your purpose must become crystal clear. The fix, the rescue depends on you. To proceed with any other mindset is to guarantee failure, miserable failure.
• if your relationship is in trouble, you have lost touch with your own personal power, your own dignity, your own standards, and self-esteem. You've allowed yourself to accommodate pain & disappointment and self-destructive attitudes. You have rationalised away many of your hopes & dreams and settled for so many things you didn't want. You've allowed apathy to set in, and along the way you've probably allowed your partner to mistreat you over the years. But most important, you have mistreated yourself. You've blamed your partner or other circumstances for your place in life rather than making the effort to find the true answers within you. You've lost touch with the core of your consciousness - that place where you are absolutely defined, the place within you where your greatest strengths, instincts, values, talents & wisdom are centred.
• you must reclaim your own power & strength - not the kind of power to make you more domineering over your partner, it will not give you more control over your partner, nor will it let you win more arguments. It is the power to give & to uplift those around you. The power to inspire, create and to experience life and your relationship at a totally different level. It is the quiet, calm power of dignity and worth.
• we are never taught how to manage our relationships, the following attempts to show you how to, even though you feel lost in a maze and confused, this will help you find a route back to who you are and how to fix your relationship rather than just cosmetically conceal the deep destructive roots that are threatening it.
• there are no victims here, the relationship is in trouble because you set it up that way. It is not possible to have a seriously defective long term relationship unless you have generated and adopted a lifestyle to sustain it. If you have a dysfunctional relationship with another person, it's because you have a dysfunctional relationship with yourself. You can't control your partner, you can't tell them what to do, but you can inspire them. You can give your partner a whole new set of behaviours and new set of stimuli to respond to. If you drop out of the destructive mind-set & vicious circle of mutually frustrating interactions that are causing your relationship to implode, if you drop out of the fight & start living a new way, it's going to be real difficult for your partner to continue spewing & seeking venom. It's time to stop sabotaging yourself & your relationship. What have you got to lose? What you are doing now isn't working! It's time to become the best of who you are and to stop hurting & start changing your life. When you choose a behaviour, you choose the consequences. Choose wisely.
• It is all up to you to make the effort to fix yourself first, then your relationship.

Are you ready for change?

• can you forget what you know about managing relationships?
• can you decide to measure the quality of your relationship based on results instead of intentions or promises?
• can you decide that you would rather be happy than right?
• can you stop playing the blame game & recognise that it is a new day?
• can you be willing to move your position on how you approach & engage your partner?
• can you be willing to get real & be honest with yourself, about yourself, no matter how painful it is?
• can you stop the denial & be completely, totally honest about the state of your current relationship?
• it's not too late
• you are not alone

The Seven Steps of Relationship Rescue:

1. define & diagnose where your relationship is now - you can't change what you don't acknowledge.
2. get rid of wrong thinking - forget the "myths"
3. discover the negative attitudes and behaviours & the specific ways to do irreparable harm to your own relationship with yourself
4. internalise a set of "Personal Relationship Values" that will become the new foundation for your relationship life
5. learn the formula for a successful relationship - but this can only be achieved after the 1st 4 are done.
6. begin the reconnection process
7. learn how to manage your relationship once you have reconnected with your partner.

Defining the problem:

• you need to find out what you personally have done, both positively & negatively, to put your relationship in the position its now in.
• how have you contributed to it, how have you contaminated it?
• you cannot make the correct plan for your change unless you are correct in acknowledging the problems
• if you are married but living in "emotional divorce", admit it.
• if the relationship is killing you and your self-worth & value, admit it.
• is the problem that one of you dumps on the other for frustrations about life that have nothing to do with the relationship?
• have the two of you been parents for so long that you've forgotten what it means to be friends and lovers?
• have you forgotten how to pay attention to one another?
• do you no longer have sex?
• what's happened to intimacy?
• are you cold & distant with your partner because of something that happened 10 yrs ago?
• are you a double-income family with no time for each other?
• is there tension because of a past affair on the part of one partner?
• check the book for detailed self-questionnaires to create a relationship and personal profile.
• 5 tough questions:
  • considering that at least one definition of love is that the security & well-being of your partner is as significant to you as your own security and well-being, then, what would you say that based on the results, you behave in a way that reflects that you are in love with your partner? why?
  • using the same definition, is your partner in love with you? why?
  • knowing what you do now about your relationship, would you still get involved with the same person if you had to do it all over again? why?
  • when comparing yourself to other people in relationships, do you feel that you have been cheated or have settled too cheap? why?
  • if you could break off your relationship or get a divorce right now without any inconvenience, legal costs, or embarassment, and without any undue hardship on your children, would you do it? why?

Blow up the myths:

• "a great relationship depends on a great meeting of the minds":
  • total empathy is rubbish, you are never going to see things through your partner's eyes because you are genetically, physiologically, psychologically & historically different.
  • men are going to be men, and women are going to be women, and no therapist can change that. Being different is OK!
• "a great relationship demands a great romance":
  • your life should have plenty of romance but to expect unrealistic Hollywood romance is irrelevant to being in love.
  • being in love is not the same as falling in love, and it is folly to expect the emotions of falling in love to last
• "a great relationship requires great problem solving":
  •  most conflicts or problems in a relationship cannot be solved, but are resolved by both parties agreeing to disagree.
  •  you don't need to learn special problem solving skills or learn "conflict resolution"
  • to have a relationship is to have conflict and confrontation but this does not mean one has to give in to the other, many problems are too complex to solve and generations have failed to solve them such as the differences between husband and wife on the nuances of raising children. There is no point wasting energy thinking you can solve such problems, but better to agree to disagree.
• "a great relationship requires common interests that bond you together forever":
  • it is not so much the compatibilities that are important, but how each deals with the incompatibilities.
  • it's not what you do, it's how you do it.
  • playing tennis together is not such a good idea if it creates frustration.
• "a great relationship is a peaceful one":
  • arguing in a relationship is neither good nor bad. If arguing is done with some very simple rules of engagement , it can actually help the quality of a relationship. It can allow a certain peace & trust that one can release their thoughts & feelings without being anandoned or rejected or humiliated. Suppression of conflict and denial is far worse.
  • how often you argue is not the issue, but how you deal with the argument:
    • even if the problem is not solved you must get emotional closure - get your heart & mind in balance again, as well as your partners.
    • if you abandon the argument to attack the person, this is destructive
    • if you get into arguments because they are more stimulating than the day-to-day life of being together, then this is destructive
    • if you never achieve emotional closure at the end of the argument & bottle them up only to come out later by cumulative reaction, then this is destructive
    • you must learn how to let your partner off the hook rather than brow-beating them into submission
    • you must learn how to escape with your own ego & feelings intact if you are the one that is wrong, or are the object of dogmatic brow-beating by your partner
• "a great relationship lets you vent all your feelings":
  • totally uncensored venting of your feelings usually causes harm
  • there are many reasons why not all feelings should be vented including - we may not really know what it is we are feeling or why at that time and if vented, later we are likely to realise the damage a little venting of rage at our partner can do, even if it was not meant or was misinterpreted.
• "a great relationship has nothing to do with sex":
  • don't believe it for a minute!
  • sex provides an important time-out from stresses & adds to the quality of closeness that is extremely important.
  • sex is a needed exercise in vulnerability wherein you allow your partner to get close.
  • for many, it is the one thing that distinguishes their relationship as different from their other relationships
  • if you have a good sexual relationship, sex only registers about 10% on the "importance scale", but if you don't, then it registers as 90%
• "a great relationship cannot survive a flawed partner":
  • there is a wide range of what is "normal", and even people who are a little bit crazy can be great partners.
  • in addition to avoiding rigidity about your own thoughts, feelings or behaviours, do not be rigid & judgmental about your partner's thoughts, feelings & behaviours.
• "your relationship can only become great when you get your partner straightened out":
  • many still believe the childlike notion that you don't have to take too much responsibility for finding your own happiness. They still believe fairy tale that falling in love means finding someone who is going to make them live happily ever after. When that fairy tale turns out to be untrue, they want to point the finger, to blame, to believe that all the unpleasant experiences are the fault of their partner.
  • the most important person for you to influence is you. You are the most important person in the relationship.
  • you cannot reconnect with your partner if you are not reconnectable.
  • you are responsible for your happiness and are jointly responsible for your relationship.

Eliminate your bad spirit:

• believing in myths is not the only way to poison your relationship, there is an even more insidious technique you use to harm the very thing that's most important to you. That's when you approach your relationship with your "bad spirit".
• everyone of us has as an irrational and destructive emotional side to our personalities. There is a part of us that is immature, selfish, controlling & power seeking which will sabotage your attempts at intimacy and peace.
• these characteristics you may find so distasteful that you cannot face them & thus use a stockpile of denials to justify & explain away your terrible behaviour. You like to think you act mature, giving, flexible & democratic, but your bad spirit is always there, always lurking, and when things get tough and you get frustrated, threatened or hurt, you give in to your dark side. If you allow this ugly side to take control, this can cause your relationship to fail, not just some of the time, but all of the time.
• regardless of what else is right with the relationship, your bad spirit, if left unattended, will poison every fiber of your relationship & seal its fate.
• sure, you can reassure yourself that you are not one of those crazy, yelling abusers, but less dramatic manifestations of bad spirit can be just as destructive.
• no one can change what happened to you as a child that may have influenced the development of your behaviour patterns as an adult, but it' important to realise you are not a child any more, and you have the chance to choose what you think, feel and do. The only thing worse than having terrible things happen to you in one phase of your life, is mentally & emotionally carrying those terrible events and feelings into the next phase of your life. If you hide behind these events as an excuse to justify your dark side, you'll just keep the suffering alive by transplanting into your current life.
• you must be willing to meet your bad spirit face-to-face, recognise how it manifests itself in your behaviour, and then quickly get yourself out of that mind-set before it does even greater damage.
• you will never analyse your bad spirit away, you need to be ready to knock it back before it starts to consume you. Don't let yourself be ambushed by this stalking bad spirit, learn to know it intimately and then you give yourself power to change your life, relationship and your happiness.
• examples of bad spirits:
  • you're a score keeper:
    • competition in a relationship can be fun but true intimacy and caring is not a game.
    • if you allow your life with your partner to be guided by a tit-for-tat trading of favours and duties, an "I'll do it for you if you'll do it for me" score keeping, you are in danger of turning what should be a mutually cooperative & supportive relationship into a fight for leverage & the upper hand.
    • takers keep score to justify the taking and their own selfishness. Such competition means that you must have an adversary, an enemy. That is not love. Doing duties to build up brownie points is not an act of kindness.
    • it never occurs to either person that with genuine caring and giving, their partner would probably volunteer more than could ever be demanded of them.
  • you're a fault finder:
    • there is nothing wrong with legitimate criticism or input in a relationship, as long as it is designed to improve the relationship.
    • constructive criticism too often gives way to constant fault finding - obsessing about the flaws and imperfections rather than finding value in your partner.
    • to do this is taking some type of sick pleasure in studying someone else's negative inventory, you get used to making criticisms, and once you start it's hard to stop.
    • if your partner had 10 things to do, and he did 8 to perfection. You would spend 90% of your time talking about the 2 things that did not get done.
    • instead of commenting on how nice your partner looks today, you comment on a minor imperfection.
    • you are obsessively interested in getting your partner to admit wrong-doing rather than listen to what your partner has to say.
    • you counter-attack with criticism whenever you're being criticised yourself, instead of hearing the message.
    • you blame your partner for not getting what you deserve in life.
    • you use "always" and "never" in your criticisms which are judgemental and argumentative. Such absolutes are not justified.
    • you expect your partner to read your mind.."you should have known"
    • you seldom let an infraction slide by regardless of how trivial.
    • living with you is like trying to fill a bottomless pit & your partner will become sick to death of you.
    • you must get rid of this anal-retentive behaviour.
  • you think it's your way or the highway:
    • self-righteous, and unyieldingly rigid behaviour indicates you are obsessed with control
    • everything has to be your idea, done your way. You must always have the last word.
    • you refuse to recognise or acknowledge contributions by your partner & feel justified in everything you do.
    • your objective is not just to dominate, to manage your partner with condescension and intimidation, but to stake out the moral high ground.
    • you artificially inflate your ego so that you can delude yourself & your partner into believing you are superior to everyone else.
    • you cannot serve 2 masters - you cannot act with self-righteousness & overbearing control, and at the same time believe you are pursuing what is best for the relationship. The relationship will suffer and you will fail to take ownership of problems.
    • you will let the relationship go down in flames rather than be honest about your own shortcomings.
  • you turn into an attack dog:
    • in discussing an issue you are triggered into a personal attack rather than addressing the issue.
    • in a blink of an eye, you can become vicious, and the interaction becomes open warfare, with even the issue at hand forgotten.
    • the message is clear, "I want to hurt you"
    • sometimes the viciousness is blatant and easily recognisable, but sometimes  it comes out in more subtle ways by knowing what buttons to push, which accusations will cut the deepest, even without raising your voice, or even without that "killer stare"
    • the scars from these interchanges will remain for the rest of your partner's life whether you realise it or not!
  • you are a passive warmonger:
    • passive aggression is just as destructive
    • you work long and hard to obstruct those things you do not desire, yet do so in such an indirect way as to escape accountability if confronted, always having an excuse or justification. It's so hard to prove this behaviour.
    • you conveniently forget to do what you promised, or you purposefully screw up what you want your partner to think you are earnestly attempting to do.
    • rather than outwardly reject what's been offered, you just don't comply, you complain about it in subtle, whiny ways.
    • you don't want resolution with certain issues, and you seem to thrive on playing the role of the victim, valuing that role far more than the peace and harmony that your partner might be seeking to generate.
  • you resort to smoke and mirrors:
    • relationships ruled by dishonesty are contaminated by hiding the real agenda & instead substitute superficial but safe topics to talk or ague about.
    • you criticise your partner about one thing when you're really upset about another.
    • you become defensive if your partner asks if anything is bothering you or if a real topic is brought up.
    • the result is emotional confusion.
  • you will not forgive:
    • when you choose to bear anger at your partner, you build a wall around yourself.
    • you become trapped in an emotional complex of such pain & agony that negative energy begins to dominate your life.
    • your resentment can become so pervasive as to crowd out every other feeling out of your heart.
    • worse, these feelings do not remain specific to to root of your anger but change everything about you and how you react to the world and everyone else.
    • in the end it is only you and your relationships which suffers and not necessarily the person you will not forgive, who often are totally unaware or don't care that you don't forgive them.
  • you are a bottomless pit:
    • most of us are insecure, but out of control, this makes you too needy, for you there is never enough of anything, you are never satisfied, you can never be loved enough, you can never be attended to or appreciated enough.
    • your partner becomes frustrated in never being able to feel able to "fill you up".
    • your relationship can never be fully functioning and peaceful and you end up sabotaging it, often with fatalistic ideas such as "this must be the calm before the storm", "this can't last, it's too good"
    • these people often think they are being meek & accommodating, that they are doing there best to fit in and not rock the boat, but by having an insatiable appetite for reassurance and stroking, you can never give your partner any rest & you may be consumed by a deadly jealousy over your partner and you will demand of your partner that he/she renounce any other people in favor of you.
    • sometimes you'll subconsciously drive your partner away just to get another dose of reassurance when one more time your partner proves their desire to hang in there.
    • manipulative & demanding behaviour to keep your partner dancing forever, trying to find a way for you to be at peace.
    • whilst it's perfectly healthy to want reassurance from our partners, there is a point when it becomes toxic, when you constantly hunger for that fix of reassurance.
  • you're too comfortable:
    • you become so passive that you get nestled in your "comfort zone", playing it safe, not challenging yourself, not striving for excellence, you become inert, boring and before you know it, your relationship is over.
    • you have been just skimming the surface of your relationship, a life of half-communication or non-sexuality with your partner.
    • you never talk about where your relationship is going, what your deepest desires are, what you dream about, what gives you passion. 
    • you get into a rut, watching too much TV instead of living. 
    • you lose your will-power to do things, your first reaction to any of your partner's suggestions is "no"
  • you've given up:
    • learned helplessness
    • a state of mind in which you believe that you are in a intractably permanent condition
    • it's what happens when too many bad spirits have crowded into your life that you cannot imagine there being  any possible way out.
    • you become forlorn and lonely, so emotionally isolated & disconnected, so negative & cynical, so far from your core of consciousness, that you completely shut down that part of your brain that tells you there is any hope whatsoever.
    • you have basically decided you have no core of consciousness whatsoever.

Reclaim your core:

• adopt these personal relationship values:
  • own your relationship
  • accept the risk of vulnerability
  • accept your partner
  • focus on the friendship
  • promote your partner's self-esteem
  • aim your frustrations in the right direction
  • be up-front and forthright - tell your partner your most meaningful and honest feelings
  • make yourself happy rather than right
  • allow your relationship to transcend turmoil
  • put motion into your emotion

The formula for success:

• make your needs known
• work to discover the needs of your partner

Reconnecting with your partner:

• be patient, humble, accountable, strong, specific, totally open and use "I" starements
• don't:  push too hard, come across as a know-it-all, be judgmental, take the bait if provoked, be mysterious, hide anything, use your partner as a bad example
• open the reconnection dialogue
• describe your work
• describe working back to your core
• talk about the 10 myths
• explain bad spirit
• introduce personal relationship values
• share the formula for success
• share partner profile
• clarify partner needs
• share personal profile

14 days of loving with honesty:

• you can't rely on fickle willpower, you must create a program to change yourself and your relationship
• see the book for an example of daily agendas

PERSIONAL/LOVE LETTER: DEAR SINGLE WOMAN

Dear  Single Women,

Hi. How are you? Good, I hope. Of course, that could be nothing but well-wishing this weekend. Many of you might be at home, fretting the fact that you’re single (again). That may not be your fault. Maybe you’re newly single because your now ex-boyfriend decided to dump you this weekend. You have my sympathies. Some of you are ignored by men altogether. You have even more of my sympathies. There could be a host of reasons for your being single. Trust me, I know the feeling. I know it all too well.


A lot of you, though, are single because, well, it is your fault. Maybe you were too clingy or desperate. Or you didn’t give guys like me a chance.

Some of you could’ve had a boyfriend/husband, but you didn’t give a guy a chance. Maybe he was quirky, eccentric, and/or (gasp!) nerdy/geeky. Maybe he has as many video games as you have shoes. Perhaps he thinks Monty Python and the Holy Grail is the funniest movie ever, but you sit there and scratch your head watching it. There could be a host of idiosyncrasies about him. But what does it matter if he cares about you? Who cares if he thinks “being normal” is boring if he’s a good man? Focus on his virtues, not his weirdness. Those are what count.

You want security, as most women do. Unfortunately, many of you see money as security. If a man doesn’t make enough money, or isn’t making it soon enough, yet he’s more romantic than you could ever imagine, you send him packing. Do you honestly believe, as the band House of Heroes sang, that “love is for the middle class”? Yes, a man worth his salt should be ambitious and able to provide for you and a family. But what if right now all he could give you was love? What if in the future something happened (like losing a job), and love was all he could give you? Would it be enough? The Bob Cratchit and Scrooge’s nephew, Fred, in Charles Dickens’ classic A Christmas Carol didn’t have fat wallets, but they had plenty of love to spare, and their wives and families loved them for it. True love doesn’t have a price tag. If it did, it wouldn’t be love.

Maybe you did have a boyfriend who was an upstanding man of character, who cared about you deeply. But you weren’t on the same page, so you broke up with him. You had what many people spend lifetimes searching for, pining for—true love. And you threw it away. If you had only been patient and given love a chance to bloom, then something beautiful could’ve blossomed. Instead, you’re alone, hoping another “great guy” will come along, one who you’ll “feel love” toward stronger and sooner. If I may ask, how’s that going? Not well, I take it. Infatuation happens fast, but true loves comes slowly, so please be patient.Real love isn’t a feeling. As dc Talk sang, “Love is a verb.” It is an act of the will, independent of emotions. Don’t throw away the real thing when you have it.

No man is perfect. There will be times when he will disappoint you. Please forgive him, and love him still. “Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8)” So please do not expect a man to reach some form of “perfection” before giving him a chance to win your heart. So long as his life is characterized more by virtue than vice, he is a good catch.

The great freedom of our culture’s courtship rituals is that we can choose our mates and marry for love. But as Uncle Ben told Peter Parker (aka Spider-Man), “With great power comes great responsibility.” Compatibility is important. Not every man out there can be a good match for you, not you for any man (however there is probably more than one—enough with this silly “soul mate” stuff). 


Sincerely,
A  Single Man (and possibly your future husband)

I am searching for my future wife/soulmate. Please stop by again.

PERSONAL/LOVE: WHY YOU ARE NOT MARRIED.

The weekly magazines are full of stories and articles about how women are supposed to find a husband.When I’m bored and in need of a good giggle, I read this useless propaganda and laugh at just how clueless all these female columnists are. Let me take a few minutes to set the record straight.First, if you are struggling to find a husband…there is something wrong with you. Now, your propaganda magazines have been telling you that men are commitment phobic, they are liars and useless; but lets be honest here, which is more likely…that there is something wrong with 150 million men or there is something wrong with one woman, you?Your newspaper or magazine cant tell you this because it has a commercial interest in not pissing you off. However the truth is when a product isn't doing terribly well in the market, the sales team doesn't blame the consumers for being ignorant, stupid or whatever; they either blame the product or the sales & marketing strategy.So, dear lady…how have you been selling yourself? What is your marketing strategy? Do you think you are going to be picked off the shelf and placed in the basket of matrimony if you are always hanging out with that coven of witches you call your friends? The ones who intimidate any man who even approaches your table?YOU want YOU to get married. He isn't going to walk the whole lot of you down the aisle. Finding a husband isn't a team sport, its down to you and just you. Trust me, even if she is your twin sister and loves you like crazy; if another woman decides that the perfect man for you is also the perfect man for her, she will either snatch him up faster than you can say Jerry Springer or make sure it bombs so that you remain as miserable as her. Drinking yourself into a stupor every Friday and Saturday night doesn't exactly make you look like marriage material.It seem like every woman has a picture of a drink on their hand. Neither will any product (you) do well in the market if the sales team (you) reeks of desperation. Nagging and whining only tells a man that he is watching a mere preview of what life will be like if he walks down the aisle with you.You want a man? Invest in a good wardrobe, dress well.  Get out of your comfort zone and your routine.  And when a man comes over to you smile and be polite. Even if he doesn't fit your mental image of ‘your man’.

That's another thing. Women come to the table with so many preconceptions. By the time a woman is 18 she already has an image of her perfect man that includes height, body type, voice etc. When a man is 18 the only thing on his list is that she would be a woman. As time goes by the woman adds more and more things to her list such that by the time she is dating for marriage not a single man alive can meet her exacting standards.

Getting a husband is like buying a house. Sure, you want to buy the 5 bedroom townhouse, but realistically you can only afford a three bedroom . And that's with a 25 year mortgage. Similarly, a woman must learn that if she wants to get married in this crazy country, she is going to have to be realistic.

Look at your list. You have specifications on height, tribe, income, occupation, what he drives, where he lives, where he schooled, his looks, social circle. Really, how much of that actually matters? Look at how men do it; we marry anywhere from a housemaid to a professor. A guy can have a taste for Cindy Crawford but marries Alek Wek. We don't come to the table with a list set in stone; if the deal is right we dump our criteria (and sometimes an incumbent wife-elect) and marry someone so unexpected even our closest friends are left stunned.

Stop coming to a relationship with a chip on your shoulder. If you believe ‘all men are bad, ‘men are dogs’ then it will become a self-fulfilling prophesy. No man is perfect; if you want to find a perfect man, you will have to do a Genesis chapter one and make him out of clay and breathe life into him. And even then, chances are he will still disappoint. Just ask the Big Guy.

You say you cant date an accountant coz they are ‘stingy with money’; but what if the perfect man for you is someone who can inject some much needed financial discipline into your ‘champagne lifestyle on a beer budget’ existence? You say you cant marry a blue-collar guy like a mechanic or a carpenter. Now, if a carpenter was good enough for Mary the mother of our Lord, why isnt one good enough for you?

Okay, so the guy is a little short, a little shy. He doesn't drive Big Deal. Don't be so focused on where he is now, look and see where he has the potential to be. Don't focus on some petty physical features that aren't up to your Mexican-soap-opera standards. Will he be faithful? Will he be a good father? Will he cherish and respect you?

What is the point of being beaten to a pulp every night by some rich, good looking, womanizing jerk? Why did you not marry that nice accountant in payroll who thought you were the moon and stars? Oh, I remember, coz you wanted your friends to see you on the arm of the successful plastic surgeon, who now beats and cheats on you so much that you are a laughing stock.

Do you want a future where you are sitting in traffic, in your BMW X5, Gucci sunglasses covering your black eye, and you look out of the window and you see accountant guy and his wife holding hands, laughing and giggling like newlyweds even after 12 years of marriage?

New York is full of good men. You just are so caught up daydreaming about your fantasy man that they are passing unnoticed before your very eyes. Don't be cynical, fussy and uptight. Improve the product and how it is marketed and demand for it will go through the roof.

And remember you are competing in a modern . If you cant cook, learn. Get over any hangups you have about cleaning. And for pete’s sake don't get yourself pregnant or fake a pregnancy.

Your perfect man is out there. He may not look like what you expected but if you give him a chance; the two of you will find joy, companionship and completion like you never thought possible.

I am searching for my future wife/soulmate. Please stop by again.