Sunday, March 24, 2019
PERSONAL: RELATIONSHIP IS A MIRROR
Relationship is a mirror. Every moment the other reveals you, exposes you. The closer the relationship, the clearer is the mirror.Many people seek this in external objects or people. I’m sure you’ve heard people proclaim: “I’ll be happy if he did this or she said that” or “If I only got that job, new house, baby.” If a person seeks a partner to complete them, conflicts arise.
It is not your partner’s job to make you happy. It is your job to make you happy. It is your partner’s job to make themselves happy.
Understand that it is up to you to make yourself happy, it is NOT the job of your spouse. I am not saying you shouldn’t do nice things for each other, or that your partner can’t make you happy sometimes. I am just saying don’t lay expectations on your partner to “make you happy.” It is not their responsibility. Figure out as individuals what makes you happy as an individual, be happy yourself, then you each bring that to the relationship
A lot is made about “sacrifices” in a relationship. You are supposed to keep the relationship happy by consistently sacrificing yourself for your partner and their wants and needs.There is some truth to that. Every relationship requires each person to consciously choose to give something up at times.
Shitty, codependent relationships have an inherent stability because you’re both locked in an implicit bargain to tolerate the other person’s bad behavior because they’re tolerating yours, and neither of you wants to be alone. On the surface, it seems like “compromising in relationships because that’s what people do,” but the reality is that resentments build up, and both parties become the other person’s emotional hostage against having to face and deal with their own bullshit
A healthy and happy relationship requires two healthy and happy individuals. Keyword here: “individuals.” That means two people with their own identities, their own interests and perspectives, and things they do by themselves, on their own time. Don’t try to change them. This is the person you chose. They were good enough to marry so don’t expect them to change now.Don’t ever give up who you are for the person you’re with. It will only backfire and make you both miserable. Have the courage to be who you are, and most importantly, let your partner be who they are. Those are the two people who fell in love with each other in the first place
There is no 50/50 in housecleaning, child rearing, vacation planning, dishwasher emptying, gift buying, dinner making, money making, etc. The sooner everyone accepts that, the happier everyone is. We all have things we like to do and hate to do; we all have things we are good at and not so good at. TALK to your partner about those things when it comes to dividing and conquering all the crap that has to get done in life.
Everyone has an image in their mind of how a relationship should work. Both people share responsibilities. Both people manage to finely balance their time together with the time for themselves. Both pursue engaging and invigorating interests on their own and then share the benefits together. Both take turns cleaning the toilet and blowing each other and cooking gourmet lasagna for the extended family at Thanksgiving
Then there’s how relationships actually work.
Messy. Stressful. Miscommunication flying everywhere so that both of you feel as though you’re in a perpetual state of talking to a wall.
The fact is relationships are imperfect, messy affairs. And it’s for the simple reason that they’re comprised of imperfect, messy people — people who want different things at different times in different ways and oh, they forgot to tell you? Well, maybe if you had been listening, ***.
PERSONAL: WHAT MAKE RELATIONSHIP REALLY WORK
Love is a funny thing. In ancient times, people genuinely considered love a sickness. Parents warned their children against it, and adults quickly arranged marriages before their children were old enough to do something dumb in the name of their emotions.
That’s because love, while making us feel all giddy and high as if we had just snorted a shoebox full of cocaine, makes us highly irrational. That is what chemistry does for us.. It’s nature’s way of tricking us into doing insane and irrational things to procreate with another person — probably because if we stopped to think about the repercussions of having kids, and being with the same person forever and ever, no one would ever do it. As Robin Williams used to joke, “God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time.”
Romantic love is a trap designed to get two people to overlook each other’s faults long enough to get some babymaking done. It generally only lasts for a few months at most. That dizzying high you get staring into your lover’s eyes as if they are the stars that make up the heavens — yeah, that mostly goes away. It does for everybody. So, once it’s gone, you need to know that you’ve buckled yourself down with a human being you genuinely respect and enjoy being with, otherwise things are going to get rocky.
True love — that is, deep, abiding love that is impervious to emotional whims or fancy — is a choice. It’s a constant commitment to a person regardless of the present circumstances. It’s a commitment to a person who you understand isn’t going to always make you happy — nor should they! — and a person who will need to rely on you at times, just as you will rely on them.
That form of love is much harder. Primarily because it often doesn’t feel very good. It’s unglamorous. It’s lots of early morning doctor’s visits. It’s cleaning up bodily fluids you’d rather not be cleaning up. It’s dealing with another person’s insecurities and fears and ideas, even when you don’t want to.
But this form of love is also far more satisfying and meaningful. And, at the end of the day, it brings true happiness, not just another series of highs.Happily Ever After doesn’t exist. Every day you wake up and decide to love your partner and your life – the good, the bad and the ugly. Some days it’s a struggle and some days you feel like the luckiest person in the world Many people never learn how to breach this deep, unconditional love. Many people are instead addicted to the ups and downs of romantic love. They are in it for the feels, so to speak. And when the feels run out, so do they.
When you commit to someone, you don’t actually know who you’re committing to. You know who they are today, but you have no idea who this person is going to be in five years, ten years, and so on. You have to be prepared for the unexpected, and truly ask yourself if you admire this person regardless of the superficial (or not-so-superficial) details, because I promise almost all of them at some point are going to either change or go away.
It’s important to always realize you have a choice. The love you seek is obtainable only if you are patient enough to wait for it and courageous enough to move on. Remember the first time you rode your bike? You fell off didn’t you? And I bet you got right back on and eventually you just kept going. It’s okay to get hurt, the bruises will only remind you of how far you’ve come.
I began finding comfort in being alone. I no longer had a desire to “have” someone in my life to keep me occupied, to love me, or to bring me happiness. I was going places whenever I wanted to, doing things however I wanted to and creating memories in the process. In essence, I was creating my own happiness without someone else. In doing so, I’ve been able to identify what i want in a woman and have made certain that I’ll never settle for anything less than what I truly deserve and desire. Mind you, there might not be a single person in this world who wants a family more than I do. I’m just not willing to settle in order to have that. I believe that God and patience will bring me everything I’ve dreamed of and more.
I have a totally different perspective on relationships today than I did even few years ago. See, I think of relationships with the same lens as I do my career. If I am going to invest my time into something, it’s because I know I am getting the same investment back in return. Why would you put time and effort into something that doesn’t put the same time and effort into you? And then be naive enough to believe it will bring you happiness? Men and women wake up everyday and go to work to be successful. Most have this obsession with making more and more money. Imagine they felt the same way about your feelings and happiness? Giving more and more effort each day because it’ll bring them closer to that next step. Why shouldn’t they? Money doesn’t bring happiness, hell I would rather be broke and in love than rich and miserable.
Being older, I am very selective with whom I choose to offer my time and heart to. People always ask me why I’m single; I’ve chosen to be. I don’t look for perfection, and definitely don’t need just a pretty face. I’m an extremely confident man and I’ve never needed a pretty woman on my arm to feel secure, instead I’m attracted to the qualities of a woman; her vision for her future and the kindness of her soul. That’s what I look forward to falling in love with and that’s what I build my future for. I’ll be patient until the day I find it …. and when I do, I’ll show her a love she’s never experienced before; a love that will never hurt and never quit.
I am not a serial dater. So many woman I have talked to have gone on so many dates and never find someone they want to be with....even if that guy is a nice guy....there will always be a but......something wrong.....something missing. You will have something I lack and I will have something you lack. I usually will meet someone who I feel want me to be with them. Someone who want me in their life. If you don't show interest in me, I won't show interest in you. I don't believe in chemistry. I believe love takes time to grow.
How do I know if I want to meet you? By your action...but also by talking to you. Yes talking to you. I want to be able to talk to my parnter about anything. If something bothers you in the relationship, you must be willing to say it. Saying it builds trust and trust builds intimacy. It may hurt, but you still need to do it. No one else can fix your relationship for you. Nor should anyone else. Just as causing pain to your muscles allows them to grow back stronger, often introducing some pain into your relationship through vulnerability is the only way to make the relationship stronger.
Behind respect, trust was the most commonly mentioned trait for a healthy relationship. Most people mentioned it in the context of jealousy and fidelity — trust your partner to go off on their own, don’t get insecure or angry if you see them talking with someone else, etc.
But trust goes much deeper than that. Because when you’re really talking about the long-haul, you start to get into some serious life-or-death ***. If you ended up with cancer tomorrow, would you trust your partner to stick with you and take care of you? Would you trust your partner to care for your child for a week by themselves? Do you trust them to handle your money or make sound decisions under pressure? Do you trust them to not turn on you or blame you when you make mistakes?
These are hard things to do. And they’re even harder to think about early on in a relationship. Trust at the beginning of a relationship is easy. It’s like, “Oh, I forgot my phone at her apartment, I trust her not to sell it and buy crack with the money… I think.”But the deeper the commitment, the more intertwined your lives become, and the more you will have to trust your partner to act in your interest in your absence.
The key to fostering and maintaining trust in the relationship is for both partners to be completely transparent and vulnerable:Make promises and then stick to them. The only way to truly rebuild trust after it’s been broken is through a proven track record over time. You cannot build that track record until you own up to previous mistakes and set about correcting them.Trust is like a china plate. If you drop it and it breaks, you can put it back together with a lot of work and care. If you drop it and break it a second time, it will split into twice as many pieces and it will require far more time and care to put back together again. But drop and break it enough times, and it will shatter into so many pieces that you will never be able to put it back together again, no matter what you
I was married before....and I got divorced. This is what i learned from that experience: You are absolutely not going to be absolutely gaga over each other every single day for the rest of your lives, and all this ‘happily ever after’ bullshit is just setting people up for failure. They go into relationships with these unrealistic expectations. Then, the instant they realize they aren’t ‘gaga’ anymore, they think the relationship is broken and over, and they need to get out. No! There will be days, or weeks, or maybe even longer, when you aren’t all mushy-gushy in-love. You’re even going to wake up some morning and think, “Ugh, you’re still here….” That’s normal! And more importantly, sticking it out is totally worth it, because that, too, will change. In a day, or a week, or maybe even longer, you’ll look at that person and a giant wave of love will inundate you, and you’ll love them so much you think your heart can’t possibly hold it all and is going to burst. Because a love that’s alive is also constantly evolving. It expands and contracts and mellows and deepens. It’s not going to be the way it used to be, or the way it will be, and it shouldn’t be. I think if more couples understood that, they’d be less inclined to panic and rush to break up or divorce
I think the most important thing that I have learned in those years is that the love you feel for each other is constantly changing. Sometimes you feel a deep love and satisfaction, other times you want nothing to do with your spouse; sometimes you laugh together, sometimes you’re screaming at each other. It’s like a roller-coaster ride, ups and downs all the time, but as you stay together long enough the downs become less severe and the ups are more loving and contented. So even if you feel like you could never love your partner any more, that can change, if you give it a chance. I think people give up too soon. You need to be the kind of person that you want your spouse to be. When you do that it makes a world of difference
Relationships exist as waves, people need to learn how to ride them. like the ocean, there are constant waves of emotion going on within a relationship, ups and downs — some waves last for hours, some last for months or even years. The key is understanding that few of those waves have anything to do with the quality of the relationship — people lose jobs, family members die, couples relocate, switch careers, make a lot of money, lose a lot of money. Your job as a committed partner is to simply ride the waves with the person you love, regardless of where they go. Because ultimately, none of these waves last. And you simply end up with each other.
You can work through anything as long as you are not destroying yourself or each other. That means emotionally, physically, financially or spiritually. Make nothing off limits to discuss. Never shame or mock each other for the things you do that make you happy. Write down why you fell in love and read it every year on your anniversary (or more often). Write love letters to each other often. Make each other first. When kids arrive, it will be easy to fall into a frenzy of making them the only focus of your life…do not forget the love that produced them. You must keep that love alive and strong to feed them love. Spouse comes first. Each of you will continue to grow. Bring the other one with you. Be the one that welcomes that growth. Don’t think that the other one will hold the relationship together. Both of you should assume it’s up to you so that you are both working on it. Be passionate about cleaning house, preparing meals and taking care of your home. This is required of everyone daily, make it fun and happy and do it together. Do not complain about your partner to anyone. Love them for who they are. Make love even when you are not in the mood. Trust each other. Give each other the benefit of the doubt always. Be transparent. Have nothing to hide. Be proud of each other. Have a life outside of each other, but share it through conversation. Pamper and adore each other. Go to counselling now before you need it so that you are both open to working on the relationship together. Disagree with respect to each other’s feelings. Be open to change and accepting of differences
That’s because love, while making us feel all giddy and high as if we had just snorted a shoebox full of cocaine, makes us highly irrational. That is what chemistry does for us.. It’s nature’s way of tricking us into doing insane and irrational things to procreate with another person — probably because if we stopped to think about the repercussions of having kids, and being with the same person forever and ever, no one would ever do it. As Robin Williams used to joke, “God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time.”
Romantic love is a trap designed to get two people to overlook each other’s faults long enough to get some babymaking done. It generally only lasts for a few months at most. That dizzying high you get staring into your lover’s eyes as if they are the stars that make up the heavens — yeah, that mostly goes away. It does for everybody. So, once it’s gone, you need to know that you’ve buckled yourself down with a human being you genuinely respect and enjoy being with, otherwise things are going to get rocky.
True love — that is, deep, abiding love that is impervious to emotional whims or fancy — is a choice. It’s a constant commitment to a person regardless of the present circumstances. It’s a commitment to a person who you understand isn’t going to always make you happy — nor should they! — and a person who will need to rely on you at times, just as you will rely on them.
That form of love is much harder. Primarily because it often doesn’t feel very good. It’s unglamorous. It’s lots of early morning doctor’s visits. It’s cleaning up bodily fluids you’d rather not be cleaning up. It’s dealing with another person’s insecurities and fears and ideas, even when you don’t want to.
But this form of love is also far more satisfying and meaningful. And, at the end of the day, it brings true happiness, not just another series of highs.Happily Ever After doesn’t exist. Every day you wake up and decide to love your partner and your life – the good, the bad and the ugly. Some days it’s a struggle and some days you feel like the luckiest person in the world Many people never learn how to breach this deep, unconditional love. Many people are instead addicted to the ups and downs of romantic love. They are in it for the feels, so to speak. And when the feels run out, so do they.
When you commit to someone, you don’t actually know who you’re committing to. You know who they are today, but you have no idea who this person is going to be in five years, ten years, and so on. You have to be prepared for the unexpected, and truly ask yourself if you admire this person regardless of the superficial (or not-so-superficial) details, because I promise almost all of them at some point are going to either change or go away.
It’s important to always realize you have a choice. The love you seek is obtainable only if you are patient enough to wait for it and courageous enough to move on. Remember the first time you rode your bike? You fell off didn’t you? And I bet you got right back on and eventually you just kept going. It’s okay to get hurt, the bruises will only remind you of how far you’ve come.
I began finding comfort in being alone. I no longer had a desire to “have” someone in my life to keep me occupied, to love me, or to bring me happiness. I was going places whenever I wanted to, doing things however I wanted to and creating memories in the process. In essence, I was creating my own happiness without someone else. In doing so, I’ve been able to identify what i want in a woman and have made certain that I’ll never settle for anything less than what I truly deserve and desire. Mind you, there might not be a single person in this world who wants a family more than I do. I’m just not willing to settle in order to have that. I believe that God and patience will bring me everything I’ve dreamed of and more.
I have a totally different perspective on relationships today than I did even few years ago. See, I think of relationships with the same lens as I do my career. If I am going to invest my time into something, it’s because I know I am getting the same investment back in return. Why would you put time and effort into something that doesn’t put the same time and effort into you? And then be naive enough to believe it will bring you happiness? Men and women wake up everyday and go to work to be successful. Most have this obsession with making more and more money. Imagine they felt the same way about your feelings and happiness? Giving more and more effort each day because it’ll bring them closer to that next step. Why shouldn’t they? Money doesn’t bring happiness, hell I would rather be broke and in love than rich and miserable.
Being older, I am very selective with whom I choose to offer my time and heart to. People always ask me why I’m single; I’ve chosen to be. I don’t look for perfection, and definitely don’t need just a pretty face. I’m an extremely confident man and I’ve never needed a pretty woman on my arm to feel secure, instead I’m attracted to the qualities of a woman; her vision for her future and the kindness of her soul. That’s what I look forward to falling in love with and that’s what I build my future for. I’ll be patient until the day I find it …. and when I do, I’ll show her a love she’s never experienced before; a love that will never hurt and never quit.
I am not a serial dater. So many woman I have talked to have gone on so many dates and never find someone they want to be with....even if that guy is a nice guy....there will always be a but......something wrong.....something missing. You will have something I lack and I will have something you lack. I usually will meet someone who I feel want me to be with them. Someone who want me in their life. If you don't show interest in me, I won't show interest in you. I don't believe in chemistry. I believe love takes time to grow.
How do I know if I want to meet you? By your action...but also by talking to you. Yes talking to you. I want to be able to talk to my parnter about anything. If something bothers you in the relationship, you must be willing to say it. Saying it builds trust and trust builds intimacy. It may hurt, but you still need to do it. No one else can fix your relationship for you. Nor should anyone else. Just as causing pain to your muscles allows them to grow back stronger, often introducing some pain into your relationship through vulnerability is the only way to make the relationship stronger.
Behind respect, trust was the most commonly mentioned trait for a healthy relationship. Most people mentioned it in the context of jealousy and fidelity — trust your partner to go off on their own, don’t get insecure or angry if you see them talking with someone else, etc.
But trust goes much deeper than that. Because when you’re really talking about the long-haul, you start to get into some serious life-or-death ***. If you ended up with cancer tomorrow, would you trust your partner to stick with you and take care of you? Would you trust your partner to care for your child for a week by themselves? Do you trust them to handle your money or make sound decisions under pressure? Do you trust them to not turn on you or blame you when you make mistakes?
These are hard things to do. And they’re even harder to think about early on in a relationship. Trust at the beginning of a relationship is easy. It’s like, “Oh, I forgot my phone at her apartment, I trust her not to sell it and buy crack with the money… I think.”But the deeper the commitment, the more intertwined your lives become, and the more you will have to trust your partner to act in your interest in your absence.
The key to fostering and maintaining trust in the relationship is for both partners to be completely transparent and vulnerable:Make promises and then stick to them. The only way to truly rebuild trust after it’s been broken is through a proven track record over time. You cannot build that track record until you own up to previous mistakes and set about correcting them.Trust is like a china plate. If you drop it and it breaks, you can put it back together with a lot of work and care. If you drop it and break it a second time, it will split into twice as many pieces and it will require far more time and care to put back together again. But drop and break it enough times, and it will shatter into so many pieces that you will never be able to put it back together again, no matter what you
I was married before....and I got divorced. This is what i learned from that experience: You are absolutely not going to be absolutely gaga over each other every single day for the rest of your lives, and all this ‘happily ever after’ bullshit is just setting people up for failure. They go into relationships with these unrealistic expectations. Then, the instant they realize they aren’t ‘gaga’ anymore, they think the relationship is broken and over, and they need to get out. No! There will be days, or weeks, or maybe even longer, when you aren’t all mushy-gushy in-love. You’re even going to wake up some morning and think, “Ugh, you’re still here….” That’s normal! And more importantly, sticking it out is totally worth it, because that, too, will change. In a day, or a week, or maybe even longer, you’ll look at that person and a giant wave of love will inundate you, and you’ll love them so much you think your heart can’t possibly hold it all and is going to burst. Because a love that’s alive is also constantly evolving. It expands and contracts and mellows and deepens. It’s not going to be the way it used to be, or the way it will be, and it shouldn’t be. I think if more couples understood that, they’d be less inclined to panic and rush to break up or divorce
I think the most important thing that I have learned in those years is that the love you feel for each other is constantly changing. Sometimes you feel a deep love and satisfaction, other times you want nothing to do with your spouse; sometimes you laugh together, sometimes you’re screaming at each other. It’s like a roller-coaster ride, ups and downs all the time, but as you stay together long enough the downs become less severe and the ups are more loving and contented. So even if you feel like you could never love your partner any more, that can change, if you give it a chance. I think people give up too soon. You need to be the kind of person that you want your spouse to be. When you do that it makes a world of difference
Relationships exist as waves, people need to learn how to ride them. like the ocean, there are constant waves of emotion going on within a relationship, ups and downs — some waves last for hours, some last for months or even years. The key is understanding that few of those waves have anything to do with the quality of the relationship — people lose jobs, family members die, couples relocate, switch careers, make a lot of money, lose a lot of money. Your job as a committed partner is to simply ride the waves with the person you love, regardless of where they go. Because ultimately, none of these waves last. And you simply end up with each other.
You can work through anything as long as you are not destroying yourself or each other. That means emotionally, physically, financially or spiritually. Make nothing off limits to discuss. Never shame or mock each other for the things you do that make you happy. Write down why you fell in love and read it every year on your anniversary (or more often). Write love letters to each other often. Make each other first. When kids arrive, it will be easy to fall into a frenzy of making them the only focus of your life…do not forget the love that produced them. You must keep that love alive and strong to feed them love. Spouse comes first. Each of you will continue to grow. Bring the other one with you. Be the one that welcomes that growth. Don’t think that the other one will hold the relationship together. Both of you should assume it’s up to you so that you are both working on it. Be passionate about cleaning house, preparing meals and taking care of your home. This is required of everyone daily, make it fun and happy and do it together. Do not complain about your partner to anyone. Love them for who they are. Make love even when you are not in the mood. Trust each other. Give each other the benefit of the doubt always. Be transparent. Have nothing to hide. Be proud of each other. Have a life outside of each other, but share it through conversation. Pamper and adore each other. Go to counselling now before you need it so that you are both open to working on the relationship together. Disagree with respect to each other’s feelings. Be open to change and accepting of differences
Sunday, March 17, 2019
ARTICLE: Before the World Wide Web — which turned 30 this week — we wasted (and enjoyed) time in so many other ways By Mary Schmich
Have a seat, little children, and let me tell you about a time long ago when life was very strange and hard but also oddly beautiful.
I’m talking about 1989.
No, that’s not when dinosaurs roamed the Earth.
It was in that distant time, 30 years ago this week, kids, that a man invented the World Wide Web and changed, well, everything.
Imagine. No Google, no Facebook, no Amazon. No email, no tweeting, no streaming. No Skyping, no Snapchat, no Airbnb. No online trolls.
Imagine a world in which it was possible to travel and know little about what was going on back home. In which it was possible to go many hours without hearing directly from the president. In which you didn’t feel pressure to broadcast your life to the world if only because you had no way to do it.
Such was life before the World Wide Web.
How did we communicate back then? How did we fill our time? Sometimes it’s hard to remember.
We stayed in touch through letters. We wrote them by hand or typed them on typewriters. We put the letters in the mailbox and we waited — days or weeks or months — for a reply.
In the world before the web, we spent a lot of time waiting.
In that slow pre-web world, phones were made for talking and we talked on the phone for hours. We bought long phone cords so we could move around with the part of the phone called a receiver.
We read books, meaning something with paper pages that was obtained at a bookstore or the library.
We ordered nothing online because there was no online. Almost nothing was delivered to our doors, except the phone book and the printed newspaper.
In the evenings in that web-free age, we relied on network TV news shows to learn, in brief, what had happened in the world that day. Then we watched whatever show the networks decided we’d watch, at precisely the time they decided we’d watch it.
Would we have watched that much “Falcon Crest” if there had been a Netflix? Such are the existential questions we ponder, children, when we think of life before the web.
We made reservations for hotels and flights over the phone.
We kept appointments on paper calendars.
We took our photos to a shop to be developed. As I said, we spent a lot of time waiting.
And maps. We learned how to read them, how to fold them. We kept them in the car. We set off on trips knowing we might get lost.
We kept track of people in our address books. We lost track of many. Letters came back marked “No longer at this address.” Distant relations, high school boyfriends, co-workers faded into memory, to be resurrected only decades later by Facebook.
Without Pandora and Spotify and iTunes we listened to music on the radio or the stereo.
In 1989, if we wanted to watch a movie at home, we could — but only if we went to one of those new places called Blockbuster, rented one of those VHS tapes and brought it home to play in the VCR.
We got our celebrity gossip the old-fashioned way, from magazines at the grocery store checkout.
And when we had a weird rash or an ache that wouldn’t quit? We fretted about it, guessed about it, consulted a friend who knew next to nothing. There was no Dr. Google to help us self-diagnose.
I could go on, children, but the web has shortened our attention spans. So let me conclude with this:
We use our time differently than we did 30 years ago. The web has saved us time and sucked it from us.
We spend less time now booking a flight and balancing our checking accounts. We spend far more posting on Facebook, answering emails and arguing on comment boards. We are more engaged with the world and more overwhelmed by it.
Were we less anxious before the web arrived to connect us to everyone and everything all the time? Maybe. Or maybe just differently anxious.
The truth is, we’re still trying to figure out how these 30 years have shaped and reshaped us.
But this much is for sure: Thirty years from now, you’ll think back on this era and try to explain to a new crop of kids that even though 2019 seems primitive to them, it wasn’t so bad.
I’m talking about 1989.
No, that’s not when dinosaurs roamed the Earth.
It was in that distant time, 30 years ago this week, kids, that a man invented the World Wide Web and changed, well, everything.
Imagine. No Google, no Facebook, no Amazon. No email, no tweeting, no streaming. No Skyping, no Snapchat, no Airbnb. No online trolls.
Imagine a world in which it was possible to travel and know little about what was going on back home. In which it was possible to go many hours without hearing directly from the president. In which you didn’t feel pressure to broadcast your life to the world if only because you had no way to do it.
Such was life before the World Wide Web.
How did we communicate back then? How did we fill our time? Sometimes it’s hard to remember.
We stayed in touch through letters. We wrote them by hand or typed them on typewriters. We put the letters in the mailbox and we waited — days or weeks or months — for a reply.
In the world before the web, we spent a lot of time waiting.
In that slow pre-web world, phones were made for talking and we talked on the phone for hours. We bought long phone cords so we could move around with the part of the phone called a receiver.
We read books, meaning something with paper pages that was obtained at a bookstore or the library.
We ordered nothing online because there was no online. Almost nothing was delivered to our doors, except the phone book and the printed newspaper.
In the evenings in that web-free age, we relied on network TV news shows to learn, in brief, what had happened in the world that day. Then we watched whatever show the networks decided we’d watch, at precisely the time they decided we’d watch it.
Would we have watched that much “Falcon Crest” if there had been a Netflix? Such are the existential questions we ponder, children, when we think of life before the web.
We made reservations for hotels and flights over the phone.
We kept appointments on paper calendars.
We took our photos to a shop to be developed. As I said, we spent a lot of time waiting.
And maps. We learned how to read them, how to fold them. We kept them in the car. We set off on trips knowing we might get lost.
We kept track of people in our address books. We lost track of many. Letters came back marked “No longer at this address.” Distant relations, high school boyfriends, co-workers faded into memory, to be resurrected only decades later by Facebook.
Without Pandora and Spotify and iTunes we listened to music on the radio or the stereo.
In 1989, if we wanted to watch a movie at home, we could — but only if we went to one of those new places called Blockbuster, rented one of those VHS tapes and brought it home to play in the VCR.
We got our celebrity gossip the old-fashioned way, from magazines at the grocery store checkout.
And when we had a weird rash or an ache that wouldn’t quit? We fretted about it, guessed about it, consulted a friend who knew next to nothing. There was no Dr. Google to help us self-diagnose.
I could go on, children, but the web has shortened our attention spans. So let me conclude with this:
We use our time differently than we did 30 years ago. The web has saved us time and sucked it from us.
We spend less time now booking a flight and balancing our checking accounts. We spend far more posting on Facebook, answering emails and arguing on comment boards. We are more engaged with the world and more overwhelmed by it.
Were we less anxious before the web arrived to connect us to everyone and everything all the time? Maybe. Or maybe just differently anxious.
The truth is, we’re still trying to figure out how these 30 years have shaped and reshaped us.
But this much is for sure: Thirty years from now, you’ll think back on this era and try to explain to a new crop of kids that even though 2019 seems primitive to them, it wasn’t so bad.
Sunday, February 17, 2019
DATING: IF YOUR INTEREST LEVEL IS LOW FROM THE GET GO
-If your interest level is low from the get go, this won't go anywhere. I am not here to chase anyone. “The chase” is a game. Here’s some truth: If a woman wants you, you will know.If a woman wants you, she won’t play games. If a woman wants you, you won’t have to chase her. A woman wants to be pursued, she wants to be courted. What she doesn’t want is
If a woman wants you, she won’t play hard to get…but she won’t be too easy either. She won’t play by bullshit societal dating rules of waiting for you to call, or never sending two texts in a row. If she wants you, you’ll know where you stand. If she’s thinking of you, she’ll call, and if she wants to hang out, she’ll ask. If she wants to kiss you first, she will. Her intentions will show through her actions, and she won’t be afraid to express her feelings or show you she cares.
What happened to the old-fashioned notion that it should be quite simple if two people like one another? The simplicity of elementary notes asking “do you like me, check yes or no,” is long gone. We’ve made things so complex that modern dating just messes with our heads. Unsure if we should call first because we don’t want to seem needy, refusing to use labels, overthinking text messages, and always trying to play it cool? What have we come to?
When someone wants you, man or woman, they will show interest. They will pursue you. I like to be pursued and I PROMISE I WOULD PURSE YOU AS WELL.
So ask yourself before you even sent a message....am i what you want? If i am then show me...give me attention and make things easy and I will do the same. I am not here to play games.
-One of the way to show me that you are serious is actually give me your number. I am not there to go back and forth. I want to actually talk to you and get to know you before we meet.
-Finally, if we do meet. Be ready to commit to a relationship from day one. I am not here to go on hundred dates. I was thinking that I have tried traditional way before and it didn’t work out and I was thinking: ‘Why not have that commitment to actually making a relationship work from the very start?’ I’m not interested in just going on dates looking for things I don’t like about that person. I’m committing to making this relationship absolutely work – like they did in the old days. “It’s traditional, older generations might have only met their partner once or twice before getting relationship.
You think you know people, but it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been with someone for, they can surprise you and not in a good way I was with my ex wife for five years and she turned out to not be capable of treating me right. You just don’t know.
ARTICLE : Warren Buffett, Melinda Gates and Sheryl Sandberg agree: This is the most important decision you'll ever make Kathleen Elkins
the HBO documentary, "Becoming Warren Buffett," the Oracle of Omaha says that there were "two turning points" in his life: "One when I came out of the womb and one when I met Susie."
"What happened with me would not have happened without her," Buffett said of his first wife, who died in 2004.
In fact, the billionaire says, the biggest decision of your life will be who you choose to marry.
"You want to associate with people who are the kind of person you'd like to be. You'll move in that direction," Buffett said in a conversation with Bill Gates at Columbia University in 2017. "And the most important person by far in that respect is your spouse. I can't overemphasize how important that is."
Melinda Gates, who runs the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation with her husband, agrees.
"If you choose to have a partner in life, whoever you choose is probably the most important decision you make," she said during a conversationwith her husband Bill and hundreds of high school students in New York City on Tuesday. It's "even more important than what career you have, where you go to college, where you go to high school."
That said, if you don't make the right choice initially, don't panic. "You can have a do-over. People do have a do-over with partners in life, but it's easier to have a do-over in your job and to change careers a lot than it is to change partners," she said. "So I say, try to pick very carefully and wisely."
Facebook COO and author Sheryl Sandberg, whose late husband, Dave Goldberg, was the CEO of SurveyMonkey, has a similar perspective. "I truly believe that the single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is," she writes in her best-seller "Lean In."
"I don't know of one woman in a leadership position whose life partner is not fully — and I mean fully — supportive of her career."
These claims are backed by research. One study, by Brittany C. Solomon and Joshua J. Jackson of Washington University in St. Louis, shows that having a conscientious spouse can boost your salary significantly.
"With every one-standard-deviation increase in a spouse's conscientiousness, an individual is likely to earn approximately $4,000 more per year," the Harvard Business Review reports.
Additionally, "employees with extremely conscientious spouses (two standard deviations above the mean) are 50 percent more likely to get promoted than those with extremely unconscientious spouses (two standard deviations below the mean)."
Conscientious spouses tend to handle a lot of household tasks, which allows their partner to focus more on their career. And people tend to benefit from mirroring their conscientious spouses' diligent habits, the research team finds.
As Gates put it in NYC on Tuesday: "You will affect a partner greatly in life and they will affect you."
"What happened with me would not have happened without her," Buffett said of his first wife, who died in 2004.
In fact, the billionaire says, the biggest decision of your life will be who you choose to marry.
"You want to associate with people who are the kind of person you'd like to be. You'll move in that direction," Buffett said in a conversation with Bill Gates at Columbia University in 2017. "And the most important person by far in that respect is your spouse. I can't overemphasize how important that is."
Melinda Gates, who runs the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation with her husband, agrees.
"If you choose to have a partner in life, whoever you choose is probably the most important decision you make," she said during a conversationwith her husband Bill and hundreds of high school students in New York City on Tuesday. It's "even more important than what career you have, where you go to college, where you go to high school."
That said, if you don't make the right choice initially, don't panic. "You can have a do-over. People do have a do-over with partners in life, but it's easier to have a do-over in your job and to change careers a lot than it is to change partners," she said. "So I say, try to pick very carefully and wisely."
Facebook COO and author Sheryl Sandberg, whose late husband, Dave Goldberg, was the CEO of SurveyMonkey, has a similar perspective. "I truly believe that the single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is," she writes in her best-seller "Lean In."
"I don't know of one woman in a leadership position whose life partner is not fully — and I mean fully — supportive of her career."
These claims are backed by research. One study, by Brittany C. Solomon and Joshua J. Jackson of Washington University in St. Louis, shows that having a conscientious spouse can boost your salary significantly.
"With every one-standard-deviation increase in a spouse's conscientiousness, an individual is likely to earn approximately $4,000 more per year," the Harvard Business Review reports.
Additionally, "employees with extremely conscientious spouses (two standard deviations above the mean) are 50 percent more likely to get promoted than those with extremely unconscientious spouses (two standard deviations below the mean)."
Conscientious spouses tend to handle a lot of household tasks, which allows their partner to focus more on their career. And people tend to benefit from mirroring their conscientious spouses' diligent habits, the research team finds.
As Gates put it in NYC on Tuesday: "You will affect a partner greatly in life and they will affect you."
Monday, February 11, 2019
PERSONAL: I HATE DATING APPS
I, like many online daters, have been swiping for years. Whenever I find myself in need of a thumb-twiddling activity, I fire up dating apps and aimlessly trawl through a bottomless pit of faces. I fling messages at a few of the matches I fancy, but things usually fizzle out after an initial flirtation. I stockpile matches like they're going out of fashion, but when it comes to actual meaningful engagement, there's very little going on.
It has become more of a game right now than a tool for looking for a relationship. When I get a match, I tend to message the woman but often they don't reply or if they do, the conversation is usually boring or very one sided, so I stop messaging.You match with someone that you think you could really like and the conversation never takes off because it's easier to not reply to a message or not open an app than it would be to ignore someone if you met in real life or traditional way
So, if swiping's not working, why not just delete the apps? I've had this conversation with a lot of my friends and we all have expressed a dislike for dating apps, but continue to use them because it seems to be the way it works now. For those looking for meaningful connections, the gamification of dating apps can be demoralising... "utterly soul-destroying" due to the lack of interaction. I keep going back in the hope that maybe something might come of it
Someone figure out that it takes 7,500 profiles before connecting with someone 'meaningfully
Feeling an initial spark with someone is thrilling and a sought after experience for many woman. If they don’t have that initial spark with someone, most woman feel as they are settling. If you’re repeatedly dating the same type of partner without success, you may be feeling an initial spark with partners that aren’t a good match.When you’re very attracted to someone, you are more likely to overlook red flags and signs that you’re incompatible with them.
So why am I single?
Do I tell her it’s because “I'm so busy,” knowing damn well I spent all of last Sunday fully in my bed?
Do I say I’ve been “focusing on me,” as if I don’t have six dating apps clogging up storage on my phone?
Or do I tell her that nearly every spark I’ve felt with a woman in the past three years has either led to ghosting or getting the “I’m not looking for anything serious right now” convo?
When I talk to a woman the first question I ask is "So, can you tell me what’s wrong with you now so I don’t have to waste my time here?” without sugarcoating it. Because that’s ultimately what the person wants to know, right? Like, Oh, can I handle that you have an obvious fear of commitment given the explanation you just told me? Probably not. And just like that...
It has become more of a game right now than a tool for looking for a relationship. When I get a match, I tend to message the woman but often they don't reply or if they do, the conversation is usually boring or very one sided, so I stop messaging.You match with someone that you think you could really like and the conversation never takes off because it's easier to not reply to a message or not open an app than it would be to ignore someone if you met in real life or traditional way
So, if swiping's not working, why not just delete the apps? I've had this conversation with a lot of my friends and we all have expressed a dislike for dating apps, but continue to use them because it seems to be the way it works now. For those looking for meaningful connections, the gamification of dating apps can be demoralising... "utterly soul-destroying" due to the lack of interaction. I keep going back in the hope that maybe something might come of it
Someone figure out that it takes 7,500 profiles before connecting with someone 'meaningfully
Feeling an initial spark with someone is thrilling and a sought after experience for many woman. If they don’t have that initial spark with someone, most woman feel as they are settling. If you’re repeatedly dating the same type of partner without success, you may be feeling an initial spark with partners that aren’t a good match.When you’re very attracted to someone, you are more likely to overlook red flags and signs that you’re incompatible with them.
So why am I single?
Do I tell her it’s because “I'm so busy,” knowing damn well I spent all of last Sunday fully in my bed?
Do I say I’ve been “focusing on me,” as if I don’t have six dating apps clogging up storage on my phone?
Or do I tell her that nearly every spark I’ve felt with a woman in the past three years has either led to ghosting or getting the “I’m not looking for anything serious right now” convo?
When I talk to a woman the first question I ask is "So, can you tell me what’s wrong with you now so I don’t have to waste my time here?” without sugarcoating it. Because that’s ultimately what the person wants to know, right? Like, Oh, can I handle that you have an obvious fear of commitment given the explanation you just told me? Probably not. And just like that...
Tuesday, January 15, 2019
PERSONAL: I WANT TO SKIP THE WHOLE DATING PART
I want to be in a relationship but I want to skip the whole dating part In the old days, majority of woman actually wanted to settle down and have kids. Now it all about career and traveling the world and having a dog. Did I miss something? Most woman have this chemistry fix, if you don't have chemistry on the first date....it's bye bye. There is a guy (Germanlifter) who put a fake tinder profile up with a picture of a model. Every single girl he swipe yes to has been an instant match. His profile was horrible, and his responds were XXX rated and yet they all wanted to sleep with him. Chemistry my ass!!!!
Okcupid did a survey in which women were given pictures of random guys; they rated more than 80% of the guys as less than average. Any long term relationship that come out of online dating is the exception rather than the rule. The only guys that are going to have any luck on online dating, are the types of guys that are highly unlikely to be there for a relationship; they’re there to get laid by lots of women. I don’t understand how women think and I never will, but I refuse to believe all the women on online dating sites ‘looking for a relationship’ are dumb enough to believe that great looking guys that messaged her is there for ONE woman, so I’ll assume the women are only there to get laid also.
I have lost all hope in woman to be honest. I have seen the same face over and over again on these dating apps. These woman go on dates after dates and still haven't found someone? The problem isn't the guy. The problem is the themselves. No one is good enough for them. If you find something wrong with everyone, you’ll end up past your prime with fewer prospects and fewer men to choose from.
Where have all the good guys gone? Look around lady. They’re everywhere. The problem is, you’re not even looking. You’re selecting. There’s a difference.Looking isn’t you sorting through all the guys you know and saying “Nope, too ugly. Nope, too short. Nope, too poor.” And I have no problem with women having standards. That’s fair. That doesn’t mean good men have gone extinct. It just means you can’t find a man that fits your standards. So, all this boils down to is you checking if there’s a reasonable ratio between how high your standards are and how much you really have to offer as a woman.
So many of them would rather be alone, than to be with normal and real guy .They rather have no kids and be with their dog, they rather hang out with friends rather than forming a family of their own. Unless they meet the perfect person, they will forever be on dating sites. They don't want to really be in a relationship. I had talks with woman who were in 7,8,9 years with relationship and had nothing to show for it. NOTHING!!! Just remember this. Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn’t want to get married or doesn’t believe in marriage, or has “issues” with marriage, will, rest assured, someday be married. It just will never be with you. Because he’s not really saying he doesn’t want to get married. He’s saying he doesn’t want to get married to you.
Fact is, anyone who wants a specific thing must make some compromises to get it—be it a Manhattan apartment or a spouse. If you want marriage, and to be married, you can have that, provided you’re willing to do away with the impossible standards and pages-long deal breaker list for Mr. Perfect.In other words, if what you want above all is marriage, you must be willing to commit first and love second
So many woman say they want a relationship but they ghost you.A woman who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the man she loves. Calling or texting when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If she can't lay this one stupid brick down,you ain't never gonna have a house.The reality is when you like someone AND YOU HAVE THEIR NUMBER, you find any excuse to talk to them.
We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don't mean. We make promises we don't keep. "I'll call you." "Let's get together." We know we won't. On the Human Interaction Stock Exchange, our words have lost almost all their value. And the spiral continues, as we now don't even expect people to keep their word; in fact we might even be embarrassed to point out to the dirty liar that they never did what they said they'd do
.Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted.
We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go into hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited about is in the process of turning into a creep. We try to come up with some explanation for why they’re behaving that way, any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, than the one explanation that’s the truth:
Chemistry isn't something that last and is not a great indicator for success in any relationship. You want to know what is? Values...Kindness...Honesty, I have slept with beautiful woman who were horrible in bed, but no guy will tell you this...because bad pizza is better than no pizza.
We are both on this site to meet someone great, and instead of wasting both our time, there is a couple of items I want to get out of the way. If any of part of the list is a issue with you, just unmatch me.
1-I am looking for marriage with great fucking sex, a good laugh, partner in crime, epic conversations, a friendship, honesty, and unquestionable loyalty. I would love to have kids as well. Don't have any. If a relationship doesn't add value, why go there? If your presence can’t ADD value to my Life, your absence will make NO difference.
2-Please be kind, a giver, have a real job and take care of yourself physically (slim to athletic)
3-I work and live in long island, so if you can't come to see me sometimes, unmatch me.
4-Please be willing to share your number. I actually want to talk to you and hear your voice...call me old fashion if you wish.
5-If you are going to text me and just disappear (ghost me) unmatch me. You are not giving us a chance,...any relationship takes time, but please don't waste my time. See, I think of relationships with the same lens as I do my career. If I am going to invest my time into something, it’s because I know I am getting the same investment back in return. Why would you put time and effort into something that doesn’t put the same time and effort into you?
6-If you are looking for your next chemistry "fix", unmatch me. You are not looking for love, you are looking "i don't know". You are still a child. Character is more important to me than chemistry.
7-Be emotionally available. I am not going to spend my time trying to drag things out of you
8-Have time for a relationship. If you can't make time to see me, text me, or even call.....you don't have time for anything
9-Stop asking me what type of doctor I am (YES I am a real doctor)....it like the first thing most woman ask? Are you looking for money or love? Why not ask something about my character...my passion....learn more about me. My family is in the medical field and we never talk about work.
10-I will not share anymore picture, and NO i am not hiding anything...and NO>>>I AM NOT MARRIED. I value my privacy.
11-Finally, If you still haven't found what you are looking for after going on so many dates, you are either too picky or no one is ever good enough,there is no point in continuing me with me as well. It shouldn't take forever to find someone to be in a relationship with. You rather be alone if you can't find exactly what you want...you go right ahead.
If any of these things are an issue, I just want to say, thank you for taking the time and effort to contact me and it is obvious you are a nice person. I don't want to stand in your way of finding someone more compatible with you...so all the best with your search.
Okcupid did a survey in which women were given pictures of random guys; they rated more than 80% of the guys as less than average. Any long term relationship that come out of online dating is the exception rather than the rule. The only guys that are going to have any luck on online dating, are the types of guys that are highly unlikely to be there for a relationship; they’re there to get laid by lots of women. I don’t understand how women think and I never will, but I refuse to believe all the women on online dating sites ‘looking for a relationship’ are dumb enough to believe that great looking guys that messaged her is there for ONE woman, so I’ll assume the women are only there to get laid also.
I have lost all hope in woman to be honest. I have seen the same face over and over again on these dating apps. These woman go on dates after dates and still haven't found someone? The problem isn't the guy. The problem is the themselves. No one is good enough for them. If you find something wrong with everyone, you’ll end up past your prime with fewer prospects and fewer men to choose from.
Where have all the good guys gone? Look around lady. They’re everywhere. The problem is, you’re not even looking. You’re selecting. There’s a difference.Looking isn’t you sorting through all the guys you know and saying “Nope, too ugly. Nope, too short. Nope, too poor.” And I have no problem with women having standards. That’s fair. That doesn’t mean good men have gone extinct. It just means you can’t find a man that fits your standards. So, all this boils down to is you checking if there’s a reasonable ratio between how high your standards are and how much you really have to offer as a woman.
So many of them would rather be alone, than to be with normal and real guy .They rather have no kids and be with their dog, they rather hang out with friends rather than forming a family of their own. Unless they meet the perfect person, they will forever be on dating sites. They don't want to really be in a relationship. I had talks with woman who were in 7,8,9 years with relationship and had nothing to show for it. NOTHING!!! Just remember this. Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn’t want to get married or doesn’t believe in marriage, or has “issues” with marriage, will, rest assured, someday be married. It just will never be with you. Because he’s not really saying he doesn’t want to get married. He’s saying he doesn’t want to get married to you.
Fact is, anyone who wants a specific thing must make some compromises to get it—be it a Manhattan apartment or a spouse. If you want marriage, and to be married, you can have that, provided you’re willing to do away with the impossible standards and pages-long deal breaker list for Mr. Perfect.In other words, if what you want above all is marriage, you must be willing to commit first and love second
So many woman say they want a relationship but they ghost you.A woman who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the man she loves. Calling or texting when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If she can't lay this one stupid brick down,you ain't never gonna have a house.The reality is when you like someone AND YOU HAVE THEIR NUMBER, you find any excuse to talk to them.
We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don't mean. We make promises we don't keep. "I'll call you." "Let's get together." We know we won't. On the Human Interaction Stock Exchange, our words have lost almost all their value. And the spiral continues, as we now don't even expect people to keep their word; in fact we might even be embarrassed to point out to the dirty liar that they never did what they said they'd do
.Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted.
We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go into hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited about is in the process of turning into a creep. We try to come up with some explanation for why they’re behaving that way, any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, than the one explanation that’s the truth:
Chemistry isn't something that last and is not a great indicator for success in any relationship. You want to know what is? Values...Kindness...Honesty, I have slept with beautiful woman who were horrible in bed, but no guy will tell you this...because bad pizza is better than no pizza.
We are both on this site to meet someone great, and instead of wasting both our time, there is a couple of items I want to get out of the way. If any of part of the list is a issue with you, just unmatch me.
1-I am looking for marriage with great fucking sex, a good laugh, partner in crime, epic conversations, a friendship, honesty, and unquestionable loyalty. I would love to have kids as well. Don't have any. If a relationship doesn't add value, why go there? If your presence can’t ADD value to my Life, your absence will make NO difference.
2-Please be kind, a giver, have a real job and take care of yourself physically (slim to athletic)
3-I work and live in long island, so if you can't come to see me sometimes, unmatch me.
4-Please be willing to share your number. I actually want to talk to you and hear your voice...call me old fashion if you wish.
5-If you are going to text me and just disappear (ghost me) unmatch me. You are not giving us a chance,...any relationship takes time, but please don't waste my time. See, I think of relationships with the same lens as I do my career. If I am going to invest my time into something, it’s because I know I am getting the same investment back in return. Why would you put time and effort into something that doesn’t put the same time and effort into you?
6-If you are looking for your next chemistry "fix", unmatch me. You are not looking for love, you are looking "i don't know". You are still a child. Character is more important to me than chemistry.
7-Be emotionally available. I am not going to spend my time trying to drag things out of you
8-Have time for a relationship. If you can't make time to see me, text me, or even call.....you don't have time for anything
9-Stop asking me what type of doctor I am (YES I am a real doctor)....it like the first thing most woman ask? Are you looking for money or love? Why not ask something about my character...my passion....learn more about me. My family is in the medical field and we never talk about work.
10-I will not share anymore picture, and NO i am not hiding anything...and NO>>>I AM NOT MARRIED. I value my privacy.
11-Finally, If you still haven't found what you are looking for after going on so many dates, you are either too picky or no one is ever good enough,there is no point in continuing me with me as well. It shouldn't take forever to find someone to be in a relationship with. You rather be alone if you can't find exactly what you want...you go right ahead.
If any of these things are an issue, I just want to say, thank you for taking the time and effort to contact me and it is obvious you are a nice person. I don't want to stand in your way of finding someone more compatible with you...so all the best with your search.
Sunday, December 23, 2018
PERSONAL ; DON'T MARRY A LOSER
Want to be happy? Don’t marry a loser.
It’s amazing how smart, ambitious, driven people let intelligence and wisdom go right out the window when it comes to the choice of who they’ll spend their life with. I know what some of you are thinking: “But you can’t apply the rules of logic to matters of the heart!”
That’s pure crap. The laws of the universe don’t care about your heart. The bills have to be paid, the kids have to go to school, and life isn’t magically roses just because you’re in love.
If you marry some moron who is lazy and un-disciplined and selfish and stupid, life is going to be a living hell for you. I can trot out statistics all day long to prove to you that almost nothing you choose in your life has as much impact as the person you marry, but it won’t make any difference for the people that it really needs to make a difference for. To those people, all I can say is: 1) Ask the advice of a few people older than 40 who know you both and who have strong marriages, and 2) think about whether you’d advise a sibling or a close friend to marry this person.
I think often we fall into this trap of thinking that since we’ve found your soulmate and there could NEVER be anyone else for us, we have to just take the good with the bad. Well, that’s true, but only once you’re married. Until you get married, you don’t have to take everything. Some things are just deal breakers. Anyone a little older who has seen some life and has half a brain will tell you that nothing will hold you back like a bad spouse. And nothing will push you forward like a good one.
You want to crawl into bed next to them every night and think about how you’re the luckier one in the relationship. You want someone who makes you want to work harder and do more and be more because they deserve that (and more). You want someone that you know will have your back in a tight spot, and someone that will encourage you and challenge you to reach new heights.
You want someone that helps you win, and helps you want to win. So don’t marry a loser. Chances are you’ll end up one as well.
It’s amazing how smart, ambitious, driven people let intelligence and wisdom go right out the window when it comes to the choice of who they’ll spend their life with. I know what some of you are thinking: “But you can’t apply the rules of logic to matters of the heart!”
That’s pure crap. The laws of the universe don’t care about your heart. The bills have to be paid, the kids have to go to school, and life isn’t magically roses just because you’re in love.
If you marry some moron who is lazy and un-disciplined and selfish and stupid, life is going to be a living hell for you. I can trot out statistics all day long to prove to you that almost nothing you choose in your life has as much impact as the person you marry, but it won’t make any difference for the people that it really needs to make a difference for. To those people, all I can say is: 1) Ask the advice of a few people older than 40 who know you both and who have strong marriages, and 2) think about whether you’d advise a sibling or a close friend to marry this person.
I think often we fall into this trap of thinking that since we’ve found your soulmate and there could NEVER be anyone else for us, we have to just take the good with the bad. Well, that’s true, but only once you’re married. Until you get married, you don’t have to take everything. Some things are just deal breakers. Anyone a little older who has seen some life and has half a brain will tell you that nothing will hold you back like a bad spouse. And nothing will push you forward like a good one.
You want to crawl into bed next to them every night and think about how you’re the luckier one in the relationship. You want someone who makes you want to work harder and do more and be more because they deserve that (and more). You want someone that you know will have your back in a tight spot, and someone that will encourage you and challenge you to reach new heights.
You want someone that helps you win, and helps you want to win. So don’t marry a loser. Chances are you’ll end up one as well.
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
PERSONAL: TO THE WOMAN I WANT TO BULID MY LIFE WITH
To the woman I am destiny to build a life with:
Everyone I've met thus far in my life has played a part in my story. And while some have taken up chapters, most just scribbled notes in the margins.You are the one I want to grace all of the pages I have yet to write.
You expect your late 30s to be a time for starting your life as an adult. You start a career, settle down with the one you love, and look to build a beautiful family together. I wanted that ,I got married and few years later got divorced.
As I began to open the doors to another potential relationship, I forced myself to be extremely selective. Settling for mediocre love isn't something I am willing to do. Not in this life anyway. Needless to say, what I'm looking for today is a lot different than ever before.
I get lonely at times (a lot of times, actually). But you have to reserve that spot for someone special. If you give it away freely, it loses meaning, and you'll never fully appreciate the right person when they do come along. I spend alot of time with my mom and my sister since my dad past away.
Time is so damn important. It's precious and should never be wasted on someone who doesn't really care about you. So I'm hesitant in giving it just to anyone. I love a woman's companionship, but I'm not desperate for attention. While most men find value in making themselves available to any woman that gives them the time of day, I've made myself unavailable to most. Unorthodox, yes... but I value quality over quantity. I am not here to hurt anyone.
What did I learn from all my dating:
-If your interest level is low from the get go, this won't go anywhere. I am not here to chase anyone. “The chase” is a game. Here’s some truth: If a woman wants you, you will know.If a woman wants you, she won’t play games. If a woman wants you, you won’t have to chase her. A woman wants to be pursued, she wants to be courted. What she doesn’t want is
If a woman wants you, she won’t play hard to get…but she won’t be too easy either. She won’t play by bullshit societal dating rules of waiting for you to call, or never sending two texts in a row. If she wants you, you’ll know where you stand. If she’s thinking of you, she’ll call, and if she wants to hang out, she’ll ask. If she wants to kiss you first, she will. Her intentions will show through her actions, and she won’t be afraid to express her feelings or show you she cares.
What happened to the old-fashioned notion that it should be quite simple if two people like one another? The simplicity of elementary notes asking “do you like me, check yes or no,” is long gone. We’ve made things so complex that modern dating just messes with our heads. Unsure if we should call first because we don’t want to seem needy, refusing to use labels, overthinking text messages, and always trying to play it cool? What have we come to?
When someone wants you, man or woman, they will show interest. They will pursue you. I like to be pursued and I PROMISE I WOULD PURSE YOU AS WELL.
So ask yourself before you even sent a message....am i what you want? If i am then show me...give me attention and make things easy and I will do the same. I am not here to play games.
-One of the way to show me that you are serious is actually give me your number. I am not there to go back and forth. I want to actually talk to you and get to know you before we meet.
-Finally, if we do meet. Be ready to commit to a relationship from day one. I am not here to go on hundred dates. I was thinking that I have tried traditional way before and it didn’t work out and I was thinking: ‘Why not have that commitment to actually making a relationship work from the very start?’ I’m not interested in just going on dates looking for things I don’t like about that person. I’m committing to making this relationship absolutely work – like they did in the old days. “It’s traditional, older generations might have only met their partner once or twice before getting relationship.
You think you know people, but it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been with someone for, they can surprise you and not in a good way I was with my ex wife for five years and she turned out to not be capable of treating me right. You just don’t know.
As for the ones who have gotten my time? Some have been kind, others not so much -- yet none have ever made my heart beat the way it once did. I guess I expect to look at someone and just want every piece of them in my life. Their mind, body and soul... their hopes, dreams and fears. I've thought at times, "Maybe it's me. Maybe I just don't have the emotional capacity to feel that strongly for someone again." You start to believe that pain sort of scars you and that everything you're looking for is unrealistic, especially when you're part of a generation whose dating habits consist of swiping on a screen.
Do I find that disappointing? For sure.I have slept with alot of woman, models, average.... black, white, asian, america, french....but none of the last. Each time I hope would be my last.
As the years have passed, I've focused on bettering myself, building a strong career, staying healthy, making more money...all that will serve as the foundation for the life I wish to give my family, And I've lived, hoping one day, someday, something magnificent would happen; something that would make sense of everything I've been through.Time has passed, but I've never lost faith.
It only took one person. One person who read my word and responded to me. I have this dream of meeting you for the first time. You were draped in this beautiful outfit that contoured your body like a glove. And your hair, it fell so elegantly on your shoulders. Everything around you was black and white, and you shined in color.It was magical. In an instant, you changed my life. That feeling I prayed about just sort of happened. It's that feeling we all get once in our life -- if we're lucky. And on that day, I guess luck was on my side.You were this different kind of beautiful, unlike anything I had ever seen. When you smiled and looked my way -- I can't even explain what that did to me.You made my heart beat in a crazy way, like never before.You were beautiful, skinny, and kind. It was like my eyes locked onto a soul that I waited years to find.
I felt something so deep within me, and I immediately knew that this broken road filled with pain and uncertainty led me to you. And while I didn't know how or even why at that point, I knew I had to clear space in my mind for you to stay. In whichever capacity destiny had planned.
I drove home that evening with this overwhelming desire to learn everything about you. I wasn't sure if or when I'd see you again, but I was determined to find a way.
Somehow I knew that it would take time and patience; both of which I already knew you were worth. And both of which I was prepared to give. So I waited. I spent months uncovering bits and pieces of you, in an ever-so-subtle way. Naturally, you've shared. And slowly but surely, two people, strangers in the not-so-distant past, became connected in this crazy world. You've occupied my thoughts, been inspiration behind my words, and have given me hope to believe that, one day, I'll love again -- deeper than I have ever loved before.
I think so highly of you. I admire your drive, your passion and your dedication to everything that you love. I adore your innocence and commend the respect you have for yourself. But what captures my attention more than anything else is your simplicity. You're such a beautiful person. You were kind to me. Behind everything the eye can see, behind all the glitz and the glamour, is a woman with worries and fears. Someone who loves and desires to be loved in return.
So carefully I've listened to everything you've shared with me. And believe me, I've remembered it all. And I believe so deeply in those dreams of yours. So much, in fact, that I dream even bigger for you. You're something real. And I'm grateful that you've trusted me enough to give me even the smallest glimpse inside your world. I'm attracted to everything you've exposed me to. Those big, beautiful eyes; so captivating. Your laugh; innocent enough to bring a smile to the angriest of people. That walk; striking and canny. Your voice; how it giggles when we speak. Your intelligence; and how you try to impress me with all you know. But what I adore the most, what draws me in more than anything else, is that incredible smile. My God, you take my breath away.
I talk about you to everyone. Like you're poetry to a world still learning the alphabet. And if I had one wish, I'd allow you to see how beautiful you are through my eyes. Hearing your name or seeing it pop up on my phone brings this excitement. A feeling I deliberately waited for; and at times, feared I would never feel again. So I savor every moment of this feeling because I've learned in my life how quickly things can change.
Sure, I'm certain you're aware of my interest, I've made it rather obvious. But what I actually feel for you I've kept a deep secret -- until now, of course. Why did I decide to put this out there? Because I wanted the entire world to know how amazing I think you are. Sure, there are countless men who I'm certain appreciate your obvious outer beauty. But I cannot imagine there being another man in this world who sees your inner beauty the way I do. It pains me to see you be treated any less than amazing.
Truthfully speaking, I don't have a world to promise you. Just my company to explore it with. What I can give you, though, is a piece of your soul that you never knew was missing and every reason to never stop smiling. I've allowed my actions to speak louder than any word could. All in hopes that it becomes clear to you there's a man out there who just wants one thing: to make you happy. Believe me, there's no time too long that will keep me from showing you what you truly deserve... even if that's my only purpose in your life. If you find interest in me, I'd be honored. And if you don't, that's OK, too.
I believe in energy. And I believe that we're gravitated toward those whose energies we're meant to share. Clearly, I feel yours. And I don't think I met you just to meet you. That's always been reason enough for me to entertain the idea of there one day being a "you and me."
Maybe this story has more chapters -- or maybe this is the end. Either way, there's something you should know. You've changed my life. In an instant, you unknowingly touched my heart, grabbed a piece of my soul, directed it at you, and gave me every reason to never look back. In perfect harmony, I've released the deepest of my emotions in the smallest of doses. But this... this is me opening up in ways I never have before. I wish I could explain how it all happened, but I can't. It just happened, exactly the way they describe in books and movies. The only difference is that this is real. Just you and me. And a beautiful story that's waiting to be written. I wasn't looking for you; you kind of just appeared.
And I don't know if it makes me believe in coincidence, fate or sheer blind luck, but it definitely makes me believe in something. You've made me feel what pain and heartache once threatened to take away. So for that, I'm thankful. And that has always been reason enough to pursue you in ways I have never pursued a woman: with deliberate care and a subtle persistence. And while I may have the attention of people from all over the world, it's only yours that I want.
So for now, I'll watch you from a distance and continue to be your biggest fan. But trust me, I'll come for you, when the time is right, to uncover everything. Your hopes, your dreams, your biggest fears. What makes you laugh and what makes you cry.And I'll leave more than flowers on your doorstep or kisses on your forehead. I'll leave my fingerprints on your soul and pull you close enough to touch your heart. All so I can wipe away your tears and wash away the insecurities that have been left by those who have failed to love you correctly. Because like a crisp, blue summer sky, you're the beautiful sight I want to get lost in day after day after day.
PERSONAL: BUT WILL I BE ATTRACTED TO HER?
If you tell me that you know a woman who is perfect for me, the first thing I’m going to think is, “But will I be attracted to her?” Now wait. Before you roll your eyes and sigh because I sound just like that stereotypical looks-are-the-only-thing-that-matter kind of guy, hear me out.
Attraction isn’t purely physical; it’s much more than that. Attraction is physical, emotional, relational, intellectual, and maybe even spiritual for some. Sure, a man wants to be with someone he finds physically attractive, but I think we all do. The problem comes when we feel that someone values our looks more than our personality or intellect or any other more substantial characteristic.
Now I will concede that the first level of attraction that most guys recognize is physical beauty. And this makes sense. Not only are men typically more visually stimulated, but this is also the normal order of things. When I meet someone new, they make a visual impression (this includes what they wear, how they carry themselves, their facial expressions) before I get the chance to talk to them at length, let alone form a friendship with them.
It can be easy for both men and women to get hung up on looks, especially in a culture that constantly highlights the “perfect body” types and focuses on looks with apps like Tinder. When it comes to what I am really looking for in a woman let me tell you that not all men are shallow. There is almost always more to beauty and attraction.
There’s nothing more attractive than a personality that meshes with your own, The first thing I notice is how she holds herself, how she behaves around others, did she smile when she saw me, how she expresses emotion. Personality is such a funny thing,I think conversation is one of the most underrated skills today. Eventually we all get old, but hopefully my wife and I will always be able to talk to each and enjoy each other’s conversation. That kind of friendship will be the bedrock of any relationship together and definitely won’t be based on looks.
Kinding is what I look for. When I first met my ex wife, the first thing I noticed was how she immediately gravitated toward the quietest or most unsure person in the room, introduced herself, and helped to bring them into the conversation I was blown away by how she treated others, not just her family and friends, but people she had just met. I saw that and said, ‘Wow, I want to marry a girl like that!’ And I did; I married her!
There are hundreds of thousands of people using online dating sites. Of that vast number, only a fraction will be remotely compatible with you, and a bare modicum will live in your general area.
Attraction isn’t purely physical; it’s much more than that. Attraction is physical, emotional, relational, intellectual, and maybe even spiritual for some. Sure, a man wants to be with someone he finds physically attractive, but I think we all do. The problem comes when we feel that someone values our looks more than our personality or intellect or any other more substantial characteristic.
Now I will concede that the first level of attraction that most guys recognize is physical beauty. And this makes sense. Not only are men typically more visually stimulated, but this is also the normal order of things. When I meet someone new, they make a visual impression (this includes what they wear, how they carry themselves, their facial expressions) before I get the chance to talk to them at length, let alone form a friendship with them.
It can be easy for both men and women to get hung up on looks, especially in a culture that constantly highlights the “perfect body” types and focuses on looks with apps like Tinder. When it comes to what I am really looking for in a woman let me tell you that not all men are shallow. There is almost always more to beauty and attraction.
There’s nothing more attractive than a personality that meshes with your own, The first thing I notice is how she holds herself, how she behaves around others, did she smile when she saw me, how she expresses emotion. Personality is such a funny thing,I think conversation is one of the most underrated skills today. Eventually we all get old, but hopefully my wife and I will always be able to talk to each and enjoy each other’s conversation. That kind of friendship will be the bedrock of any relationship together and definitely won’t be based on looks.
Kinding is what I look for. When I first met my ex wife, the first thing I noticed was how she immediately gravitated toward the quietest or most unsure person in the room, introduced herself, and helped to bring them into the conversation I was blown away by how she treated others, not just her family and friends, but people she had just met. I saw that and said, ‘Wow, I want to marry a girl like that!’ And I did; I married her!
There are hundreds of thousands of people using online dating sites. Of that vast number, only a fraction will be remotely compatible with you, and a bare modicum will live in your general area.
DATING: QUESTION TO ASK THE PERSON YOU ARE DATING
1. Are looks important in a relationship?
2. Are relationships ever worth it?
3. Are you a virgin?
4. Are you in a relationship?
5. Are you in love?
6. Are you single this year?
7. Can you commit to one person?
8. Describe your crush
9. Describe your perfect mate
10. Do you believe in love at first sight?
11. Do you ever want to get married?
12. Do you forgive betrayal?
13. Do you get jealous easily?
14. Do you have a crush on anyone?
15. Do you have any piercings?
16. Do you have any tattoos?
17. Do you like kissing in public?
20. Do you shower every day?
21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?
22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?
26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?
28. Have you ever been cheated on?
29. Have you ever cheated on someone?
30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?
31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?
32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?
33. Have you ever had sex with a man?
34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?
35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?
37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?
41. Have you had sex so far this year?
42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?
43. How long was your longest relationship?
44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?
45. How many people did you kiss in 2012?
46. How many times did you have sex last year?
47. How old are you?
48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?
50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?
52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?
53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
54. Is there someone you will never forget?
55. Share a relationship story.
56. State 8 facts about your body
57. Things you want to say to an ex
58. What are five ways to win your heart?
59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)
60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?
61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?
62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?
63. What is your definition of “having sex”?
64. What is your definition of cheating?
65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?
66. What is your favourite roleplay?
67. What is your idea of the perfect date?
68. What is your sexual orientation?
69. What turns you off?
70. What turns you on?
71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?
72. What words do you like to hear during sex?
73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?
74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?
75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?
76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?
77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?
78. What’s your dirtiest secret?
79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?
80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
81. Who are five people you find attractive?
82. Who is the last person you hugged?
83. Who was your first kiss with?
84. Why did your last relationship fail?
85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?
2. Are relationships ever worth it?
3. Are you a virgin?
4. Are you in a relationship?
5. Are you in love?
6. Are you single this year?
7. Can you commit to one person?
8. Describe your crush
9. Describe your perfect mate
10. Do you believe in love at first sight?
11. Do you ever want to get married?
12. Do you forgive betrayal?
13. Do you get jealous easily?
14. Do you have a crush on anyone?
15. Do you have any piercings?
16. Do you have any tattoos?
17. Do you like kissing in public?
20. Do you shower every day?
21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?
22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?
26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?
28. Have you ever been cheated on?
29. Have you ever cheated on someone?
30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?
31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?
32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?
33. Have you ever had sex with a man?
34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?
35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?
37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?
41. Have you had sex so far this year?
42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?
43. How long was your longest relationship?
44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?
45. How many people did you kiss in 2012?
46. How many times did you have sex last year?
47. How old are you?
48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?
50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?
52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?
53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
54. Is there someone you will never forget?
55. Share a relationship story.
56. State 8 facts about your body
57. Things you want to say to an ex
58. What are five ways to win your heart?
59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)
60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?
61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?
62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?
63. What is your definition of “having sex”?
64. What is your definition of cheating?
65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?
66. What is your favourite roleplay?
67. What is your idea of the perfect date?
68. What is your sexual orientation?
69. What turns you off?
70. What turns you on?
71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?
72. What words do you like to hear during sex?
73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?
74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?
75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?
76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?
77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?
78. What’s your dirtiest secret?
79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?
80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
81. Who are five people you find attractive?
82. Who is the last person you hugged?
83. Who was your first kiss with?
84. Why did your last relationship fail?
85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?
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